Episode 2 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff, we explore any subject

you desire and deliver top-quality curious facts.

On hand, our dedicated team,

Lovett, Teaparty, Frazernagle on the calls,

Wannamaker in the walls.

And, of course, Captain Length-Width.

That's Miss Bracegirdle.

She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

and compile a report.

If we fail to impress, the Mega Boss will shut the Ministry down!

Let's not dilly-dally. There's lots to do.

Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

Good morning, everybody.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines today?

Well, Mr Reeves, we have learnt the Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Our bones are stronger than concrete.

And, when tickled, rats laugh.

-Rats laugh when they are tickled?

-Yes.

Oh no, I think you'll find that's not quite correct.

My rat never laughs when it's tickled. Look.

That's because that's not a rat, Mr Reeves, it's a pear.

Hmm.

My mother will have a surprise when she opens up her lunchbox.

THEY LAUGH

Mr Reeves, when you and your sidekick are quite ready,

the working day has begun.

Very well. Thank you.

OK.

-Good morning, Mr Frazernagle.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

Any calls coming on the switchboard?

There's a great caller on line two. Putting you through, Mr Reeves.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you. Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of convenience to you?

Hello, Mr Reeves, my name is Jasmine

-and I want to know some curious stuff about lies.

-About lies?

Thank you very much, Jasmine. How very delightful to talk to you.

Thank you. Goodbye. Jasmine wants to know about lies.

What do we know, Ministry?

Length-Width, do you reckon you could spot a liar?

-Yeah, I can spot a liar a mile off.

-Yeah? You got the skills?

I got the skills to pay the bills.

My bros down at the bus shelter call me "The Lie Detector"

because you've got to get up pretty early to get one past the captain.

-Really?

-About 5am.

-OK, then. I'm going to offer you three sentences

and you tell me which one is a lie.

One, I think you're an incredibly handsome man.

Two, I think you're a man of incredible intellect.

Number three, I absolutely adore your trousers.

-OK.

-Which was the lie?

-I certainly see something.

-Which was the lie?

-Ha ha!

Nice try, Mr Reeves, but they are all, in fact, true!

Ha ha ha! Brup!

Boing! No, wrong, they were all lies!

-What?!

-Yes.

-You're a puffed up, chutney-faced pelican boy.

-Yes, that's a given.

But what, you don't like my trousers?

I've been faking my trouser love for years. Truth hurts, don't it, kid?

Like a dagger to my heart.

Well, that was a bit of fun, wasn't it? Let's move on.

What's the truth about lies?

Mr Reeves, you were sort of right just then because the average

person usually lies three times during a 10-minute conversation.

-I knew that.

-Did you?

-No. There you are. Four lies in 10 minutes.

-But then again, I'm not your average person.

-I am.

-Are you?

No, I'm lying!

THEY LAUGH

I think you're both perfectly average morons.

Woman! So what else do we know about lies, then, people?

It says here that some of the symptoms of lying include

sweating, a sudden change of pitch,

and avoiding the use of contracted words, so you might say,

"I have not" instead of "I haven't."

Sweating and contracted words.

That might come in useful later. OK, any other facts on lies?

Studies show animals also lie like Koko, the gorilla.

Koko's handlers confronted her after she tore a steel sink off the wall.

She then pointed and signed blaming her keeper, Kate.

The ability to lie appears to be a sign of intelligence.

A fibbing gorilla, now that's intriguing.

Right, excuse me, I may be some time. Don't wait up for me.

Give my dinner to the dog

and the dog's dinner to Captain Length-Width.

-What shall I do with Length-Width's dinner?

-Release it into the wild.

-All right, Ken?

-Hi.

-Off to NASA?

Yeah, packing my books.

Astrophysics, yeah!

OWL HOOTS

APPLAUSE

VIC MAKES GORILLA NOISES

Hello.

Ah, um...

Vic Reeves - Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

Koko, the gorilla. A gorilla. What can I do you for?

-Have you ever told a lie?

-Never!

Was it you who caused a fuss and ripped that steel sink off the wall?

-No, I didn't.

-Right, unbeknownst to you, I just filmed you saying that.

Now, if we look back at the footage in super-mega slow motion...

-SLOW MOTION SPEECH:

-No, I did not.

Sweating, one of the signs of lying.

Change of pitch and non-contracted words, also signs of lying.

-Got you, you great big liar.

-No, I am not. I'm not having it.

I want a second opinion.

Welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show. I'm Jeremy Kyle.

On today's show, another lie detector special.

Koko the gorilla has taken a lie detector test to prove

once and for all that she did not trash that sink. Koko is on the show.

APPLAUSE

THEY BOO

Koko, what have you got to say to the two pathetic nobodies over there?

I would just like to draw a line under the whole sorry business

so I can move on with my life and make people like them

over there just shut up!

-You shut up!

-Shut up!

-Shut up!

Do you want to know what they said to my researchers before the show?

They said that you're a silly smelly pants.

Do you want to know what I think? You're a brave, wonderful gorilla

and you're looking very lovely today. I'm Jeremy Kyle.

What have you two little boys got to say for yourself?

-At the end of the day, right...

-Do you want to know what I think?

Shut up!

Let's have a look at these all-important lie detector results.

We asked Koko the gorilla did she trash that sink?

-The lie detector results...

-Excuse me, Mr Kyle.

-Oh, shut up!

-Sorry, I just wanted to...

-Shut up!

-You do not interrupt the Jeremy Kyle show.

-All I was trying to say...

-Oh, shut up!

-You know what, you can shut up yourself, Kyle!

AUDIENCE GASPS

-It's been proven that lie detector tests don't actually work.

-What?

Jeremy Kyle Show?

Lie detectors only measure a variety of symptoms associated with

telling lies. It's the operator who decides if it's a lie or not.

Well... That's all that ruined then.

Just rip up that. All my dreams.

-You OK, Jeremy Kyle Show?

-Not really.

Without my lie detector test, there's no Jeremy Kyle Show.

-It's all a bit pointless, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Come on, boys.

You take care, Jeremy Kyle Show.

Do you think Mr Jeremy Kyle Show will be all right?

-You know what, kid, I think he's going to be just fine.

-Great.

Jeremy Kyle may well be fine, but you two are going in the report.

I suggest we extract the facts.

So that's curious stuff about lies. What's next?

Hey, Nagles, any calls on the switchboard?

There's a caller with a question coming through on line three.

Gotcha!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-How may I be of f-f-facilitation to your pursuit?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name is Nik.

I'd like to know stuff about curiously clever children.

Curiously clever children. I'll do what I can.

Thank you so much for your enquiries. Good day.

Right, curiously clever children.

-Of course, you know I used to be a child prodigy.

-Really?

-Yes, yes.

-I was a genius at maths.

-Were you?

-Yes, I was.

All right then, let's see if you've still got it.

-What's 55?

-55?

-That's a number.

-Oh, still there.

-Thank you.

-Egg.

-That's a word.

-Good!

-Genius, you see.

-Still there.

-What about you?

-Well, aged two, I was climbing Everest.

-Really?

-No. Aged two? I was too busy flying the space shuttle.

-That's true.

Come on, people. Tell me some curious stuff about clever children.

Well, Mr Reeves, there is Akrit Jaswal, the child surgeon.

Akrit developed a passion for science and anatomy

at a very early age.

Doctors at local hospitals allowed him to observe surgeries aged six,

-performing his first surgery at seven.

-Intriguing.

Sharp pointy thing.

Tropical juice.

-My mum.

-What?

-CRIES:

-I want my mum! I cut myself on the sharp pointy thing!

OK, give me more curious facts on clever children.

Well, Mr Reeves, there was William James Sidis.

Now, he was very clever.

He could read the newspaper before he was two.

He could read eight languages

-and had written numerous books by the time he was just seven.

-I know.

I've got a few of his books here.

I Dun A Poo

and I Dun A Poo 2 - The Return Of The Poo.

Mr Reeves, please behave. We both know he didn't write those books.

That's right, he didn't. I did.

And my latest novel will be released next week.

It's called I Dun A Poo, Part 3 - Poo In Space!

Let me guess. Someone does a poo in it?

No, they don't. That's the twist.

Believe me, brother, it will blow your mind.

Moving quickly on. Any more facts about clever kids?

The most famous brainy kid is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

He learned to play the piano at three

and composed his first pieces at five.

What did he do at six o'clock, have his tea?

HE LAUGHS

Right, let's hear this genius.

Mini Mozart loaded in X1 for you, Mr Reeves.

-Hello, everyone!

-Hello, Mini Mozart.

Hello, Mr Reeves.

-All right, Mini Mozart. What are you up to?

-Just knocking up a new song.

-Lovely.

-Do you want me to write you a song?

-Me? Well, really?

-Sure, give me a subject.

-Um, cupcakes.

# Cupcakes, cupcakes, we like the taste of cupcakes. #

Absolute genius. Thank you, Mini Mozart.

-Mind if I keep cracking on?

-I would, yeah, thanks.

Cheers, Mini Mozart. He was so good.

-Extraordinary.

-What a genius. What a talent.

Right, any more facts on curiously clever children?

Well, Mr Reeves, Gregory Smith has been nominated

twice for the Nobel Peace Prize.

And the Nobel Peace Prize is the highest award given to those

who promote peace and harmony in our world.

Barack Obama and the Dalai Lama have one each.

And, along with helping children in East Timor, Brazil

and Rwanda, Gregory has worked to build shelters for children in

war zones all over the world.

Can you believe his first nomination came when he was just 12?

Impressive. We could learn a lot from this young man,

nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize twice.

And that's why I've invited him here today to talk to us.

Peace prize nominee loaded for you in G1, Mr Reeves.

FANFARE PLAYS

Hello, yes, it's me. Hello.

Er, you are Gregory Smith, two times Nobel Peace Prize nominee?

No, I'm Geoffrey Smith, two times frozen peas prize-winner.

-Frozen pea prize-winner, not Nobel Peace Prize?

-No, no, no.

I was awarded a prize for most likeable frozen pea

in the northern counties.

Um, I think there's been a bit of a mix-up.

-Really sorry about this.

-No, it's all right.

I mean, I'm a bit disappointed if I'm honest but I'm here now,

so if anybody's got any questions that they'd like to ask me,

you know, well, shoot.

Right, um...

Yes.

Did...

Anything at all, anyone?

WIND BLOWS

CLOCK TICKS

Yeah, I... Um...

Nothing? Nothing at all?

I'm a frozen pea. I'm a giant talking frozen pea.

And you've got nothing. It took me three buses to get here. Three.

You know what, he was only nominated, your bloke, nominated. He didn't win.

I was voted frozen pea most likely to succeed. Good day!

Well, that's not going to work.

I shall leave the way I came in.

With grace, dignity and style.

Goodbye. Good day. Good day to you.

-That was awkward.

-Yes, it was. He left a damp patch on the seat.

-I think he's starting to defrost.

-I think so, yeah. Very awkward.

OK, any more curiously clever kids facts?

Well, Mr Reeves,

there's a seven-year-old agony aunt called Elena.

She was snapped up by her local radio station in Liverpool

after she rang a phone-in and told a caller to go bowling with friends

and drink a mug of milk to solve their problem.

She sounds like she knows what she is talking about. Back in a tick.

Thanks for calling.

PHONES RING

Elena Hotline?

Go bowling and have a hot mug of milk. Thanks for calling.

Hi, I'm Vic Reeves. I was wondering...

I'll call you back.

Go on then, shoot, what's the problem?

-Right, well, there's this woman where I work.

-Yeah, yeah.

-She's got it in for me. Treats me like an idiot.

-Ah-hah.

I just wondered if you knew what I could do to get her off my case?

-Go bowling and have a hot mug of milk.

-How's that going to help?

Oh, is that the time? Do us a favour, fill in for us, could you? Cheers.

But I'm not qualified.

Just tell them to go bowling and have a hot mug of milk.

That usually does the trick. Thanks, bye!

What does all this lot do then?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Elena Hotline. How can I help you?

Hello, yes, I've just eaten my boss' secret biscuit collection.

How can I reverse time so it never actually happened?

-Go bowling and have a hot cup of milk?

-Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Elena Hotline, how can I help you?

Yes, I'm worried that the people I work with have started to

notice that I don't actually have a real moustache. Whatever can I do?

Well, the best thing to do is probably go bowling

-and have a hot mug of milk.

-OK, thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Elena Hotline, how can I help you?

-'I have a very serious problem.'

-Yes, and what's that?

-SHOUTS:

-If you don't get back here sooner than immediately

it's going in the report!

DIALLING TONE

You two look rather relaxed.

Mr Reeves, we've had the times of our lives.

We went bowling with friends.

Yes, and now we're just enjoying a nice hot mug of milk.

That Elena really is a genius, eh, Mr Reeves?

Well, you know, all our very clever children are all amazing.

Yes, I believe the children are our future.

Teach them well and let them lead the way.

# The children of the future will have massive heads

# And pointed shoes

# Kids from time to come have magnetic hands, let me introduce

# The child from tomorrow, yeah

# Look at them run

# The child of the future plays flutes made from sausages

# Wear clothes made from pottery and ride around on ostriches

# The child from tomorrow, yeah

# The children of the future, yeah

# There's nothing that we can do

# It's the future of me and you

# They've got massive heads and pointed shoes

# Children of the future, yeah. #

Ha ha ha, what a racket!

The Ministry will have no future if you lot carry on like this.

It's all going in the report.

For now. Let's extract the facts.

That's curiously clever children, so what's next?

Master Frazernagle, any calls on the switchboard, please?

There's a call on line one, Mr Reeves. I'll connect you presently.

Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How can I be of benefit to you in your forthcoming matter?

Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name is Lauren and I'd like to know some curious stuff about water.

Thank you very much, Lauren, I shall try my utmost. Thank you. Goodbye.

Lauren wants to know some curious facts about water.

-Length-Width.

-Yes.

-Have you ever had any interest in water?

-Have you paddled in the sea?

-No, don't be so disgusting!

I've never paddled in the sea in all my life!

-I've piddled in the sea but that's a different matter.

-You're outrageous!

Yes, I am.

Miss Teaparty, any interesting facts on water that you can divulge?

Well, Mr Reeves, some rather shocking news here.

Donkeys are not waterproof.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

NO! NO! Tell me it's not true!

Is this some kind of sick joke?

Something's got to be done about this.

Put on this public information film I recorded seven seconds ago

-and make it snappy.

-Yes, boss.

'Hey, you. Yes, you. Are you a donkey?

'Did you know you're not waterproof?

'Well, you're not, so get used to it.'

Well, if that doesn't stop a donkey from getting soaked

I really don't know what else will.

Miss Teaparty, any more interesting and curious facts on water?

Well, about two thirds of the human body is water

-and some parts have more water in them than others.

-Really?

For example, between 60-70% of the human brain is water.

The brain, you say? We can put that to the test. Length-Width!

-What?

-Stand here before me. Take off your hat and let's examine your nut.

Yes, sire.

CAR KEY BLEEPS

DOOR CREAKS

And there it is.

Very modest indeed. Thanks, kid.

DOOR CREAKS SHUT

CAR KEY BLEEPS

So, how do you feel now, son?

TALKS GIBBERISH

Oh, he's gone back to factory settings.

I suppose I should call the helpline,

but let's have another watery fact first.

You know how when your hands go all wrinkly in the bath?

Who told you about my fingers going wrinkly in the bath?

It's a personal matter. Are you spying on me?

Mr Reeves, everybody's fingers go wrinkly in the bath, not just you.

Yes, Mr Reeves,

research suggests our hands go wrinkly in the bath

because our skin cells only hold a certain amount of water

before they buckle so our fingers aren't shrivelled

just filled with excess water.

Oh.

And this doesn't happen to the rest of our body

because it's covered by a wax-like layer called keratin.

Keratin is worn away on our hands

and feet allowing the water into the cells.

I know all about keratin and it's a shame you can't wear the keratin

from the rest of your body. I should know, I've tried.

Why would you want to do something as ridiculous as that?

Because I love wrinkles. I find them, A, cool.

And, B, they make you look wise which is why I developed this.

-And what's that?

-Vic Reeves' Pro-Wrinkle.

You need never have smooth skin again. Allow me to demonstrate.

Volunteer appearing in X5, Mr Reeves.

And here's my beautiful model to demonstrate.

Apply liberally like there's no tomorrow.

Cover with a warm towel and, before you know it, instant results!

SHE SCREAMS

I don't know what her problem is.

You love using this stuff, don't you?

THEY LAUGH

I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Mr Reeves. Let's extract the facts.

That's curious stuff about water.

And that is what you call fact extraction.

-Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

-No, no, no, no, no, thank YOU, Mr Reeves.

What a busy day it has been.

There's been some non-work-related shenanigans that have

obviously gone in the little report here.

But we have also found some curiously wonderful facts.

We have discovered some curiously wonderful facts

but now it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers.

-I won't, Miss Teaparty.

-What are you up to tonight, sir?

I'm off home to play dress ups. I mean, do some press ups.

I'm going to do some press ups. I'm going home to do my press ups.

Good night, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, everybody.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd