Episode 3 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

we explore any subject you desire,

and deliver top-quality curious facts.

On hand, our dedicated team - Lovett,

Teaparty, Frazernagle on the calls,

Wannamaker in the walls.

And, of course, Captain Length-Width.

That's Miss Bracegirdle.

She's been sent by head office

to investigate our work and compile a report.

If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the Ministry down.

Let's not dillydally, there's lots to do!

Welcome to Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Good morning, everybody.

Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines today?

Well, Mr Reeves, a blue whale's heart is the size of an elephant.

No!

-There are about 7,000 languages in the world.

-No!

And your mother rang for you -

you've left your Flower Princess lunchbox behind

and she'll pop in with it later.

Mr Reeves, if you don't get down to some work soon

it'll be going in the report, and the Megaboss will not be happy...

What on earth?

Where did that come from?!

Well, I'm surprised we didn't notice that before!

This is a complete disregard for Ministry property

and will not be tolerated!

I demand an investigation forthwith, Mr Reeves!

Calm down, Miss Bracegirdle.

It's only a little bit of graffiti. It's not true, is it?

It's a bucket of lies.

I'll have you know I emit a variety of different aromas,

some good as well as bad, and some unidentified.

Ha!

I demand the culprit is found.

In the meantime, I suggest you all get on with some work!

-Very well, very well.

-BELL DINGS

Mr Frazernagle, you don't know anything

-about this graffiti, do you?

-Not a Scooby, Sir! Nice work, though.

Yeah, it's not bad actually, is it?

Any callers on the line, Mr Frazernagle?

There's a fantastic call coming through on line 4.

I'll put you through now.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of usage to your point at issue?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Ella.

Can you tell me some curious stuff about love?

What a marvellous question. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Ella wants to know some curious facts about love.

-Length-Width, how do you know when you're in love?

-Oh, you just know.

You just know. I mean, you just know.

-You just know.

-You just know.

You get that special feeling in your tummy

and that feeling gets so big that all you can do

is go and sit on the toilet.

That's right... That's not when you know you're in love,

-that's when you know you want to poo!

-Is it?

-Yes.

Well, I love having a poo. Speaking of which, see you in a minute.

Right.

Right, OK, team. Let's have some curious facts about love.

OK. What do we know about love?

Well, Mr Reeves,

it was reported that, unfortunately for one Chinese lady,

being in love was bad for her hearing,

and just one kiss made her deaf!

Really?

Back in a minute.

Hello, Vic. Where are you off to?

-None of your business.

-Whatever.

HOOTS HORN

APPLAUSE

Well, it didn't happen quite like that, Mr Reeves.

The kiss created pressure in her head so severe

that her left eardrum burst, leaving her deaf in one ear.

Yes, all this is correct. A Chinese newspaper reported,

while kissing is normally very safe,

doctors advise people to proceed with caution.

Right. Now then.

What she should have done is what I do to avoid such dangers.

If I'm going to take out a pretty lady,

and I might be expecting a little kiss, I wear ear defenders.

And I make sure that she does, as well.

Let me demonstrate on Captain Length-Width.

This is how to romance.

I'd like to kiss you.

What?

I said I really like you, and I want to kiss you.

You miss me? Yes, yes. I miss you, too.

It's all right. I have a mountain bike.

-You can get on the back of that.

-No, no, I haven't got an Uncle Mike.

-It's parked round by the bins.

-Yes, I've just been for a poo.

-And I love you, too.

-Ooh!

Romance doesn't get smoother than that.

Mr Reeves, can we keep on track?

We need to find some facts about love.

Right. What about monkeys in love?

Because you know bonobo apes often lock lips and French kiss?

Ooh-ho-ho-ho!

Apes are smooching right above me in C12.

Ah, so romantic. It remains me of when I was a young ape in love.

The two young bonobo apes kiss in a show of affection

similar to that of human beings.

What in the name of Total Wipeout?

-Hello, young man.

-Yes, um...

David Battenberg, BBC wildlife presenter.

-What are you doing creeping up on me in my Ministry?

-Oh, no!

It's him! Battenberg's followed us again.

Can't you leave us alone for one second?

-Sorry, I'm just doing my job!

-What, camping out in our back garden?

-Following us to the supermarket?

-Filming me on the bog?!

That's doing your job, is it, you weirdo?

Sounds like you should leave them alone, give them a bit of peace.

Yes. I'm sorry if I got on your nerves.

I just like following big, hairy things around and talking about them.

-I know how you feel.

-I won't bother you again.

There you are. All sorted. Drama over.

Thank you, Mr Reeves.

Anything I can do to help a young pair of bonobo apes in love.

The savage creature picks up a pen.

Has this dumb, Neanderthal beast

finally learned to write his own name?

The creature has spotted me. It doesn't look happy.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

Perhaps I, Sir David Battenberg, should leg it!

-Boo!

-APE-LIKE SCREAMS

That was a little over the top.

OK, Ministry, any final facts on how we know when we are in love?

Well, Mr Reeves, when you're in love,

-a natural chemical called dopamine stimulates the brain.

-Really?

And how does that work, I wonder?

The release of the chemical creates the feeling of wanting something...

GASPS

I want you, baby!

-..elation...

-Hooray!

-..motivation...

-Come on!

-..giddiness...

-Oh! I feel quite...

..and cravings.

I'm hungry!

Thank you very much, Teaparty.

We're getting married and moving to Ipswich.

-You do know that's an ape?

-Oh, forget it.

They're perfectly suited, if you ask me. Ha ha ha!

No?

Let's extract the facts.

Dear Ella.

I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about love.

We discovered that a kiss once created so much pressure

in a lady's head that her eardrum burst.

Bonobo apes often lock lips and kiss.

When people are in love, a natural chemical called dopamine

stimulates the brain and makes them act in certain ways.

So, that's curious stuff about love. What's next?

-You know, whoever did this has got great talent.

-Yes.

-Great use of colour.

-Oh, come on!

Admit it. You did this graffiti.

-Whoa!

-Whoa!

-Whoa, steady on, toots.

You're living in a fairy tale.

Come on. Let's get on with some work.

Oooh.

Right, Frazernagle, any callers on the switchboard, please?

I have a splendid call coming through on line 3.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-How might I be of expedition to your topic?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name's Oscar, and I'd like to know

some curious stuff about sleepwalking.

Thank you, Oscar. Very good question. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Oscar wants to know any curious facts we might have on sleepwalking.

Let's see what we can find out.

Length-Width! Length-Width, wake up.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I go sleepwalking, you know. It's a bit embarrassing.

-Oh, come on, it's fine.

-It's embarrassing.

-Really?

Yeah. I drink milk.

There's nothing embarrassing about drinking milk.

-Straight from the cow.

-Oh, that's not so good. No, no.

Mr Reeves, when you've quite finished mucking about

with your pork-pie-faced stooge,

this graffiti needs sorting out, and if you don't do it, I will.

-The culprit must be found!

-All right!

I am Chief Detective Inspector Fowler

of the Leeds, Lowestoft, and Los Angeles NYPD.

I hear there's been a dirty crime committed here.

Let me see the offence in question.

Ah. This appears to be the work of the sleep-doodler.

What a rotter! I don't know how they sleep at night.

Well, actually, it says here,

Lee Hadwin from North Wales is a nurse by day

but at night he's a sleepwalking artist.

He's been drawing in his sleep since the age of four

with no recollection of it the next morning.

So, Mr Reeves...

-Call me Mr Inspector Fowler.

-Yes, Mr Inspector Fowler,

if you can't remember it, then surely the sleep-doodler could be anyone.

Yes. That's right.

And, due to my investigations,

I can confirm that the sleep-doodler is in fact....

..somebody in this room.

ALL GASP, THUNDER CRACKS

Hey! Would you turn that off?

-What is that, anyway?

-Now That's What I Call Weather 2007.

OK. Now, to catch a sleep-doodler

you've got to think like a sleep-doodler.

You've got to get inside his mind and roll about a little bit.

OK, what have we got?

According to a US study,

sleepwalking affects 29% of people at least once in their lives,

and boys are more likely to sleepwalk than girls are.

Yes. It's also more likely to occur

in children than teenagers and adults.

Well, there's only one child in here

and he's wearing the silly sailor's cap.

Objection in court!

That chick's really getting my goat. She's trying to stitch me up.

Is she, Length-Width? Is she? Are you quite sure about that?

I'm quite sure I don't know what you're insinuating, Inspector Fowler.

Then allow me to present exhibit A.

ALL GASP

Paint!

Of the same shade of colour as the cheeky graffiti.

Well, there are hundreds of ways

I could have got that paint on my face, Inspector Fowler.

I could have wrestled with a painter,

-or I could have simply walked through a rainbow.

-That is true.

Which brings me to exhibit B.

-More paint!

-Or is it?

Further investigation revealed that this is not brown paint, but gravy.

-Gravy?

-Yes.

In a shocking twist,

I can reveal that the sleep-doodler

is also a sleepy chef.

Someone who cooks in the night?!

Yes! Mr Ree... Mr Inspector Fowler is right.

It says here there are people who cook in their sleep,

and that Robert Wood is a sleepwalking chef from Fife.

He cooks all my favourites - stir-fry, omelette,

and spaghetti Bolognese, all in his sleep.

I'm not a midnight chef. You've got no proof.

Oh, yeah? How about this, taken last night?

SNORING

AMERICAN ACCENT: OK, you got me!

I'll come clean, I'm the midnight chef.

I cook when I'm asleep.

Breakfast, lunch, steak dinner - you name it, I've cooked it.

And I'd do it all again, too, in a heartbeat if I had to!

Why are you American?

Well, it just seemed appropriate...

A-ha! I knew it! I told you it was him!

And you were absolutely right.

Apart from one thing.

-ALL:

-What?

You are absolutely and completely wrong.

ALL GASP

What do you mean?!

The gravy in this footprint is one of the most delicious things

I've ever tasted, and Length-Width here can't cook for toffee.

He's right, you know.

So, you're telling me Fishbrain is innocent?

Of the graffiti, yes.

But crimes against cookery is a different kettle of pork.

Well, what kind of idiot does something as dangerous

as climb a great height whilst asleep?

People have climbed to dangerous heights in their sleep before.

A girl of 15 once climbed a 130-foot crane in her sleep.

Yes, it would probably be somebody you would least expect

to do a dangerous stunt.

And, in this case,

somebody who harbours a bottled-up frustration against Bracegirdle.

Sound familiar, Miss Teaparty?

ALL GASP

Honestly, I've got no idea what you're talking about.

Well, maybe this will refresh your memory.

You have to believe me! Honestly! I had no idea!

I knew it!

As soon as I knew we were looking for a daredevil sleep-doodler

I straightaway thought Teaparty.

She's always resented me for my sparkling charm and good looks.

I demand she be fired immediately.

And so she should.

Apart from one small thing.

ALL: What?

She didn't do it.

But the evidence all points to her! How could it not be her?

Because, even in her sleep,

Teaparty's just too nice.

Oh! Shucks! What can I say?

I guess I am pretty nice.

Who did it, then?

Somebody who's been under our nose this whole time.

ALL: Who?

-You!

-GASPS

Oh, right. OK.

SHE SCREAMS

What makes you think I would climb a ladder and write

-offensive graffiti about myself in my sleep?

-Well, this.

The tape is fake!

Camera trickery! Special effects!

The paintbrush is still in your hand.

GASPS

So, Miss Bracegirdle,

what have you got to say for yourself?

-I...

-Good.

Let's keep it that way.

What a drama!

# The things you do When you're asleep

# Like cooking fish And shearing sheep

# Taming lions and eating sweets

# Juggling water in your knees

# Sleep, sleepwalker

# Sleep, sleepwalker

# Sleep, sleep. #

Wakey-wakey, Mr Reeves. Rise and shine!

Time to stop all this messing about and extract the facts.

Dear Oscar, I'm delighted

to enclose some curious stuff about sleepwalking.

29% of people sleepwalk at least once in their life.

Children are more likely to sleepwalk than teenagers or adults,

and boys more than girls.

People have also been known to do strange things in their sleep,

like artwork, cooking, and even sleepwalking at great heights.

So, that's curious sleepwalking. What's next?

Ah, Monsieur Le Frazernagle,

have we got any callers on the switchboard, please?

I have a splendid call on line 3.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-How might I be of usage to your probing question?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name's Ezra, and I'd like to know some curious stuff about faces.

Ta very much, Ezra. Bye.

Ezra wants to know some curious facts about faces.

That's faces.

-Length-Width.

-Mmm?

Has anyone ever told you that you have the face of an angel?

Beautiful, yet rugged, noble, yet beatific.

It is, in essence, the face of a Greek God.

-Really?

-No!

LAUGHS

Ha ha ha! If I had a face like yours I'd bury it!

-Ha ha ha!

-Really!

Right, come on. Any curious facts on faces, please?

Delighted you finally asked, Mr Reeves. I have one.

The human face can create thousands of different expressions.

People can interpret even the tiniest detail.

Yes, and Length-Width and I will attempt to show you

each and every one of those facial expressions.

Number one. Happy.

Number two. Sad.

Number three. Fear.

Number four. Angry.

Number 152. Shock,

with an element of fear, and sadness.

Number 153.

Anger, with a bit of surprise, a touch of excitement,

a hint of revulsion, a dollop of guilt

and the tiniest portion of confusion.

Facial expression 3,877.

The smell of this banana has overpowered my lunchbox.

Facial expression 3,878.

I'm considering whether to take this caravan holiday.

SUCKING THUMP

Oh! Oh, dear. I think my face has got stuck.

Don't worry. I'll go and get the doctor.

Ministry Doctor arriving in C1, Mr Reeves.

I came as soon as I felt like it.

Let me take a look at you.

Hmm, yes.

I'd say from his face he's considering whether or not

to take a caravan holiday.

He's strained his expression gland.

He'll be stuck like that for a while.

Is there nothing you can do, Doctor?

Well, there might be one thing.

There!

There, there!

Did the ickle doctor make it all better?

Nope. Didn't work. Sorry.

-Do you know, I'm not happy about this.

-Really?

Cos you look like you're deciding

whether to go on a caravan holiday or not.

Right, any more cuties facts on faces, please?

Yes, Mr Reeves. Smiling reduces stress and can even make us

appear younger and more attractive.

It releases endorphins, which are chemicals in the body

which make us feel good and signal that all is well.

Hear that, Bracegirdle? Why don't you try smiling once in a while?

Smiling is not an activity for the workplace, Mr Reeves.

I keep my joy locked tightly inside.

Yeah, I bet you've never smiled once, you miserable-flavoured lemon.

I'll have you know that it has been said that my smile

will make gentlemen's knees buckle and birds sing.

-And ships sink.

-Fine.

You want to see a killer smile?

Get ready for a bit of Bracegirdle perfection.

CREAKING

GROANING

CREAKING

STRAINING

Enough! Enough!

Enough!

Now I know what evil looks like.

Miss Teaparty.

Miss Teaparty! Another curious face fact, please, quick!

Sorry.

Well, when a clown joins Clown International,

the oldest established club for clowns,

they register their clown face by painting it on an egg!

Yes! And I have designed my own clown face, as well.

And it's a beauty!

I intend to get it registered at the clown club.

In fact, I'll go and do that right now. You can't stop me.

Ah, Mr Reeves. Nice to see you again.

ELECTRICITY SIZZLES

Sorry! Clown humour. What can I do for you?

Well, I've come up with a clown face design,

and I'd like to have it registered, please.

HE SIGHS: Vic, Vic, Vic.

You've got to stop doing this to yourself! Face facts!

-You're never going to be a professional clown.

-I can learn, sir.

You don't learn it. It's either in you or it's not.

And it's not in you.

Your slipping on a banana skin is substandard,

and your horn honking...

HONKS

..is plainly amateurish. I'm sorry.

It's never going to happen.

Could you at least just have a look at it?

All right, give it here.

Isn't that the funniest face you've ever seen?

-I don't think so.

-Why not?

I have my reasons.

Ah, I see you've already got a clown face like it.

What? No, I don't think we do.

Yeah. There's a picture of a lad wearing it on your desk there.

That's my wife!

I didn't know your wife was a clown!

She isn't!

Give my regards to your wife.

She's got a name, you know!

Bonzo.

Well, that was a right waste of time. Come on.

-Any more curious face facts, people?

-Mr Reeves, I have one.

In German folklore, doppelganger means double-walker,

another self that exists elsewhere in the world

-and looks just like you. Like a lookalike.

-Doppelganger?

I find that very hard to believe.

DOORBELL RINGS

A guest has just arrived at the ministry, Mr Reeves.

-What? We're not expecting anyone, who is it?

-That's the thing.

-It's Captain Length-Width coming through C1.

-What?!

My very own doppelganger! I don't believe it.

So you're the other me, are you? Look, will you just decide

whether or not you're going on this caravan holiday?

I don't want to go on a caravan holiday.

Well, it certainly looks like you're considering it!

Well, I'm not!

All right, all right. No need to get funny about it.

I'm just saying, if you want to go on a caravanning holiday,

then just go.

I will, then!

Look at this dump.

What a miserable place.

Looks like I turned up just in time.

Excuse me, what do you mean?

I am taking over the Ministry of Curious Stuff!

I haven't even got a caravan!

Oh!

Well done, Length-Width, that was a close one.

-Face is back to normal.

-Yeah. Funny thing was,

it wasn't even stuck. I'd just forgotten to move it.

It can happen.

Oh, another heap of confusing nonsense.

Let's do our best to extract the facts.

Dear Ezra, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about faces.

The human face can create thousands of different expressions,

and we can interpret even the tiniest detail.

Smiling reduces stress and can make us

appear younger and more attractive.

Clowns register their clown face by painting it on an egg.

And in German folklore,

a doppelganger refers to someone who looks just like you!

So, that's curious stuff about faces.

And that is what you call fact extraction.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

Oh, no, no, thank you, Mr Reeves, for as usual

there's been a lot of pointless horsing around

which has gone straight in my little report.

Makes for very interesting reading.

But, I must admit, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts.

Yes, we have, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts.

Well done, team. But I'm afraid now it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you, Miss Teaparty.

-And what are your plans for tonight?

Tonight, I thought I might write a poem about a lily pond.

I mean, I mean, I'm... I'm going to ride a puma around Liverpool!

-Goodbye, everybody!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd