Episode 4 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff, we explore any subject

you desire and deliver top quality curious facts.

On hand, our dedicated team - Lovett, Teaparty,

Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls,

and of course, Captain Length-Width.

That's Miss Bracegirdle.

She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

and compile a report.

If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the ministry down.

Let's not dillydally, there's lots to do.

Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

Good morning, everybody!

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

What are the headlines today, Miss Teaparty?

Well, starfish haven't got brains,

there are more mobile phones in Britain than there are people,

and I've hidden a tin of sweetcorn underneath my hat.

Miss Teaparty, really!

-Oh! Ah! Ah! Hey, Length-Width!

-What is it?

My man, give me five!

-No problem.

-Give me £5.

-All right, there you are.

-Thank you.

Very well, very well.

TUBA BLARES

Clear off!

Mr Reeves, when you're quite finished larking with your clown,

the working day has begun.

And also, could I draw your attention to the paperwork

-I asked you to sign?

-What about it?

-You haven't signed it.

-It's very important you do it as soon as possible.

-I'll do it later.

BELL DINGS

-Good morning, Mr Frazernagle!

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

I have a splendid call coming through on line three.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of convenience to your investigation?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Divine

and I'd like to know some curious stuff about bravery.

Ah! Very good, Divine. Thank you for your enquiry.

Divine wants to know some curious facts about bravery.

Let's get to it.

OK, any curious facts on bravery yet?

Well, Mr Reeves, a very brave person from history was Joan of Arc.

Whilst just a teenager, she led the French army

to numerous victories in the Hundred Years' War,

which paved the way for the coronation of Charles VII of France.

What a very brave teenager! Do you know what?

I'd like to meet this Joan of Arc.

And I think I will.

SNOW CRUNCHES

DOORBELL RINGS

TELEVISION: ..around 50,000 at the height of the season...

-Ah, hello. Are you Mr Of Arc?

-I'm Joan's father, yes.

I was wondering if I might have a word with her, please.

Oh, no, no, no, she's grounded. She's not allowed visitors.

-Oh! Please, come on, please?

-All right, all right, five minutes.

-JOAN?

-What?

-There's some strange goblin here to see you.

You get down here this minute, young lady.

You can't speak to me like that. I'm a saint!

They wouldn't have made you a saint if they had to live with you.

VIC CHUCKLES

What?

I wondered if I could talk to you about your bravery.

Don't think so, mate. I don't talk to losers. I'm off out.

You're going nowhere, young lady. You're grounded.

But it's the Hundred Years' War, all my mates are going.

I don't care. Sit down!

All right, granddad, you can arks me your questions,

but don't take too long cos Hollyoaks is on in a minute.

All right, OK.

So what's life like being the bravest teenager in history?

Yeah, pretty sweet.

When I'm not fighting with my crew and ting, I'm just chillaxing.

Or listening to One Direction every hour of the day and night.

I don't listen to One Direction. Those boys are girls, I'm a warrior.

So what do warriors listen to, then?

Dizzee Rascal, Tinie Tempah, that kind of a ting.

Oh, yes, I know exactly that kind of...ting.

-I'm very switched on to that sort of groove.

-Specifically what?

-Busy Biscuit? Dizzee Rascal, is that what you mean?

-Yes.

You're such a liar, right?

-Making out you like my music in order to impress me. Liar!

-Yeah?

You're the liar because you really, really, really, really,

really like One Direction.

Nah! What are you talking about? They're losers!

You won't mind if I do this then. Oh, look.

-It's just a poster, who cares?

-Sorry about that, Leicester.

That's fine, I don't even care. His name isn't Leicester.

I've just scratched out Algernon. Oh, no! What's happened to him?

Yeah, that's absolutely fine.

-Oh, and who is that?

-NO! Harry!

Mr Reeves, sorry to interrupt your research.

Can I remind you about the very urgent paperwork

-I need you to sign immediately.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do it later.

Right, come on then, more curious facts on bravery, please.

Ooh! Here's something, Mr Reeves.

Only the bravest people order fugu or pufferfish in Japan.

The wrong preparation can cause death

so only specially qualified chefs are allowed to prepare it.

Actually, eating fugu is easy. You want to see brave? Watch this.

Mm?

Aren't they just fishfingers, Mr Reeves?

Yeah, but it was brave for two reasons.

One - I really, really hate fishfingers.

And two - if my mam caught me stuffing my face before dinner,

she'd go ballistic.

And if you'd met my mam, you'd know how brave that was.

I have, and I do.

OK, give us another bravery fact.

Dorobo hunters in Kenya steal food from the Lions.

They approach them

and take the fresh kill from right underneath their noses.

Their confident approach, though, scares the lions away

and they walk off with the food, unharmed.

Right, well I think we should talk to a couple of these Dorobo hunters.

Dorobo hunters loading in B7, Mr Reeves.

Oh, er, sorry, you just missed them.

-LION BURPS

-Just missed them?

-Yeah, I haven't eaten them or anything.

-I didn't say you had.

Good because I haven't.

-Can you pass a message on to them for me?

-Probably not.

Hmm.

-Well thanks for your help anyway.

-No worries.

-Cheers, see you.

See you.

< I'll tell you what, Sean, I shouldn't have eaten two of them.

-< I'm stuffed!

-Whoa!

-Ah. They can still hear me out there, can't they?

-That's awkward.

-Yeah.

Ho-ho-ho! Those hunters may be brave, but, boy, are they unlucky.

Mr Reeves, this paperwork really does need signing immediately.

Don't make me come down there.

-Right, let's have another curious fact on bravery, please.

-Right!

Well, there's an American woman with a very rare genetic disease

which has caused the part of her brain which processes fear

to waste away so nothing frightens her.

Fearless woman approaching in X5, Mr Reeves.

Mr Reeves, I really need you to sign this paperwork immediately.

I am really, really busy!

All right. Mr Reeves, I have told you, I need to...

Hang on. Ah, the fearless American woman...

-Mr Reeves!

-Not now.

-Mr Reeves!

-Not now.

-Mr Reeves!

-Not now, not now, not...

MR REEVES!

SHE SCREAMS

Sign here.

Did I frighten you, Mr Reeves?

No, but you frightened

the unfrightenable American woman who fears nothing, Miss Bracegirdle.

And you just signed your whole team up

for a course in stationary management optimisation.

-Oh, that sounds like a good one.

-It isn't.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, stop your grumbling! You're doing it. Let's extract the facts.

Dear Davine, I'm delighted to enclose

some curious stuff about bravery.

We found out that...

Except, perhaps, Miss Bracegirdle.

So, that's curious stuff about bravery.

Mr Frazernagle, any calls on the switchboard, please?

Oh, I've got a stunning call from coming through on line three.

-I'll connect you now.

-Thank you, Nagles.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this Vic Reeves, here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How may I be of insistence to your dubious enquiry?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Georgia,

and I would like to know some curious stuff about toilets.

Ah, Georgia, I'm sure the ministry will be very excited. Thank you.

Georgia wants to know about toilets.

THEY CHEER

Our prayers have been answered!

# The smallest room

# The place of easement

# A place of concealment

# The lavatory

# Dunny, bog or restroom

# John, can, and khazi

# It's the finale

# Of yesterday's sausage

# Then it's a flush, flush farewell My friends

# Going off around the bends

# Round the bends and away My friends

# Straight to the bowels of the earth. #

Farewell, my friends. Stay in touch.

Congratulations, Mr Reeves. You've officially driven me round the bend.

And it's all going in the report.

Much more of this and I don't think the mega boss will hesitate

to close this ministry down.

Right, without any further ado, give me some curious toilet facts.

Please, come on, let's see what we can find.

-Length-Width.

-Hm?

-How's your toilet doing?

-It's fine thank you, yeah.

-Yeah...

-It's blocked, isn't it?

-No, no, no, no.

-It's blocked, isn't it?

-Yes.

Yes. I'm not surprised, all the stuff that you put down it.

-Face wipes.

-Paper towels.

-Sweet wrappers.

-Egg boxes.

You wash your trousers in there, they're in there.

-Cuddly toys, leg of lamb.

-We'll talk about that later.

-Right, do you want it unblocked?

-Yes, would you mind?

Thank you.

Somebody's got to do this!

Yes!

-BUCKET CLANGS AND WATER GURGLES

-Oh! Argh!

Oh, dear, it's happened again, hasn't it?

Yes. Would you do the honours?

Yes, of course.

-Get purchase.

-Purchase!

-Pull.

-I'm pulling.

PLUNGER SQUEAKS

Thank you.

Mr Reeves!

You are making mistakes quicker than I can write them down.

Kindly stop clowning around with your BF and get on with it!

Right, give us some toilet facts, please.

Well, Mr Reeves, there's the loo with a view -

the public toilet that for nearly 100 years

was used by visitors to Scarborough beach

and then one couple bought it for £15,000

and turned into their new home.

I saw that on one of those property programs.

I just love what you've done with the place.

It's classy, it's understated and it just screams out family home.

Oh, thank you. No, we're ever so lucky, aren't we, Martin?

We're thinking of installing something extra, something classy -

a Jacuzzi.

We might knock through a wall. We might knock through... No!

Excuse me, no!

There's a public lavatory half a mile down the road,

so if you could just...

Just ignore him.

So, knocking through to build a new extension.

Ooh, an extension. What for?

Well, we're thinking a downstairs toilet.

TOILET FLUSHES

That's my bedroom!

Oh, really! OK, Miss Teaparty, any other toilet treasures?

Well, Mr Reeves, French King Louis XIII, 1601-1643,

had a toilet built under his throne

and was known to receive visitors whilst sitting on it.

TOILET FLUSHES

Magnifique!

Pop off and get me some loo roll, will you?

Right, give us some more curious toilet facts.

Well, it's been suggested the first toilet cubicle in a row

is the least used and consequently, the cleanest.

So, they're never used?

Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go to the first cubicle and show them that I care.

-Bravo, Mr Reeves.

-Yes!

Hello, my name's Vic and I just wanted to say, you're not alone.

I think you're a wonderful toilet

and if you ever want to talk to anyone, then I'm here for you.

Do you know what? It would be nice to talk to somebody.

I've just got so much I want to say about my feelings and stuff.

Oh, is that the time? I really must, erm... Erm...

I suppose the loneliness started when I was five years old.

Back then I was just a little potty and do you know what...

Blimey, that toilet can't half talk.

Boring!

And you're boring me with all this nonsense, Mr Reeves.

It's time to extract the facts.

Dear Georgia, I'm delighted to enclose

some curious stuff about toilets.

Toilet facts extracted, so what's next?

Please tell me there's a call on the switchboard, Mr Frazernagle.

Never fear, Frazernagle's here. Of course there is.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of support in your monumental quest?

Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name is Spike and I want to know some curious stuff

about human superpowers.

Thank you very much, Spike. Goodbye.

Spike wants to know about human superpowers.

Come on, let's see what we can find.

Of course, Length-Width,

you and I are experts in superheroes, aren't we?

-That's right. Specialist subject - the cape.

-The cape!

And of course, in the early days they didn't wear capes, did they?

They used to wear quilted coats.

That's right, a duffle coat or an afghan coat.

Afghan coat, yes, anoraks.

They thought with all this running around and bashing people

and saving the world, they thought,

"Blimey, it's getting really hot wearing this."

-Stifling!

-"We need something else."

Something a bit cooler. So, what did they come up with?

Well, they all got together, had a conference.

We know who we're talking about.

-And they decided, "Instead of a coat, we'll use a cape."

-A cape.

However, the further south you get...

The Mediterranean superhero.

..where you'll find...

..him.

Now, of course, he had a very different idea.

Because it's very hot down there, he simply said,

"Tops and tights and that'll do."

"No cape for me. Boots and gloves, that's fine."

Enough of your super nonsense! Get on with it.

Right, OK. Come on, let's have some curious stuff on human superpowers.

Well, Mr Reeves, there's a man named Aurelien Hayman

who's a student at Durham University.

Claims he can remember almost every day of his life since he was 11.

Apparently, if you give him a specific date,

he can remember what he did,

what he was wearing, what he ate, what the weather was like

and he can even recall what was on the television

and the conversations that he had.

Super Memory Man in Z32, Mr Reeves.

Huzzah! Here I am, the Memory Man.

Ah! So, you remember everything, do you?

For certain I can, for I'm the Memory Man.

All right, what did I have for dinner last Thursday?

I really couldn't say, for it doesn't work that way.

Ignore him, he's a walnut!

The Memory Man remembers only his own past.

A lifetime of memories, for ever to last.

Right, let's test this amazing memory.

-Ask him what he had for dinner last Thursday.

-Too easy!

What did you have for dinner on 13th June, 1991.

Good one!

The Memory Man remembers...

pasta and cheese.

Ah, good.

OK, what did you have for dinner on 8th May, 1997?

DRUMROLL

The Memory Man remembers...

pasta and cheese.

-Coincidence?

-It's a classic tea-time dish.

OK, moving away from food,

what did you do on 13th September, 2000?

DRUMROLL

The Memory Man remembers...

shopping for pasta and cheese.

Can we keep him, Mr Reeves? Please, can we? Can we, please?

It'd wear thin after a while, trust me.

June 5th?

Pasta and cheese.

March 1st?

Pasta and cheese.

-Crumbs, you're right. He's boring!

-Isn't he?

-Memory Man?

-Yes?

-Remember this...

THEY BLOW A RASPBERRY

And don't come back!

Here's an interesting one, Mr Reeves.

-There are super heat generating Tibetan monks.

-Yes?

Tibetan monks use deep meditation to raise their body temperatures.

Yes, Mr Reeves, and raising your body temperature is a very good power

to have if you live somewhere like Tibet - it's freezing!

Yes, and to demonstrate this,

they have been known to dry sheets on their body in just one hour.

Also, a monk is very useful should one require a boiled egg.

What?

Hot monk in X1, Mr Reeves.

GONG SOUNDS

Your superpower has boiled my egg.

Super.

Mmm!

So, any more facts on superpowers?

Well, there's a woman from Russia called Natasha Demkina.

She says she has X-ray vision.

X-ray vision? Well, that'd come in useful if you wanted to find out

what was inside your Christmas presents in advance

or if you wanted to know what the filling was

in a mysterious pie that you found beneath a bush.

Length-Width, it's a problem worldwide.

So, have they found out if this woman really has X-ray vision?

No, they haven't.

This Natasha says she has a special vision that allows her to

look inside human bodies and see organs and tissue.

She claims she can make medical diagnoses.

I'd like to meet this X-ray lady.

Strange woman in C1, Mr Reeves.

Is it you? It is you, isn't it? It's you!

Yeah, it's me!

I've always wanted to meet a woman with X-ray vision.

I've always wanted to meet you, too.

Well, now you're here, you can help prove something.

-You see this big sweaty lad, here?

-Yeah.

-Well, earlier on...

..this hot monk, here, was holding a delicious boiled egg.

It's my belief that this chump, here,

stole that egg and ate it.

How dare you, sir!

-How dare you! Now, you look here.

-You look here!

-You look here!

-You look here.

-Are you looking here?

-No, you're looking there.

-I'm looking here now. You look here.

-Yes.

I may be a lot of things, but a hot monk egg thief I am not!

You look here, we'll soon find out!

I want you to use your X-ray vision to look within his stomach

and tell me whether it harbours a hot monk egg.

All right. Hold on, here we go.

-No monk egg.

-Ah-ha! You see?

But he's four months pregnant.

Yes, you see? It's not an egg, I'm just four months pregnant...

What?

-You're not really Natasha, are you?

-No.

-So, why did you say all that stuff, then?

-I didn't. You did.

-You haven't got X-ray vision, have you?

-No.

-So, he's not pregnant?

-Don't know, probably not.

We can see right through you, missy! Now, off you pop.

Keep popping! Pop away!

Right, more super facts about superpowers, please.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hark!

Hello, Captain Length-Width here. What? OK, I'll tell them. Thanks.

Hey, guys, guys, listen up! Terrible news! Terrible news!

-ALL:

-What?

A book's fallen off the shelf at the local library.

THEY GASP And the book's hit Grandpa Brown.

THEY GASP

Now the old man's trapped under the book.

THEY GASP

Don't tell me - sweet Grandpa Brown

is trapped beneath a book at the library?

That's exactly what I'm telling you.

THEY GASP

Right, I've just got to, erm, go off and do something.

THEY GASP

Help! Help!

Sounds like Grandpa Brown needs my help.

You see, the truth is, by day I am the curious Vic Reeves

but after 5:45, I become the superhero...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

..Bath Boy!

DRAMATIC VOICE: Bath Boy!

Able to run a nice, hot bath with one single turn of the tap.

And now to save Grandpa Brown.

Right, Grandpa Brown, let's get that heavy book off you

and you into a nice, piping hot bath.

Stand back!

This is a job for Captain Ham -

able to locate the cheapest harm with in a three-mile radius.

Now, out of my way!

Don't worry, I'll set you free

and then I'll get you down to the corner shop on Essex Road.

59p for 12 slices of wafer-thin honey glazed ham.

Hey! I was here first!

Now, you look here. This man, here, doesn't need harm.

What he needs is a nice, piping hot bath.

Never fear...

THEY GASP

..Garment Boy is here - able to tell where you got your garments from.

Oh, nice trousers! Sunday market down the High Street, am I right?

-Now, look, we were here first.

-Get out of here!

Oh, what on earth are you both wearing?

This is a job for...

-THEY GASP

-Doctor Sausage Pockets -

the man with infinite pockets of sausages. Want one?

It's all right, I've got loads.

ALL: We don't want your sausages!

Wait!

Look, he's gone!

-But how did he get free?

-How did he get free?

From Scoop And Shovel Hands Woman, that's how!

Thanks, Scoop And Shovel Hands Woman,

you saved my life. How can I ever repay you?

You could tie my shoelaces for me.

I don't stand a chance with these bad boys.

THEY LAUGH

Well, I'm exhausted after that.

Well, takes a lot of energy to be that ridiculous.

I suggest we do our best to extract the facts.

Dear Spike, I'm delighted to enclose

some curious stuff about human superpowers.

So, that's curious human superpowers.

And that's what you call fact extraction.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, thank YOU, Mr Reeves.

What a busy day it has been.

There's been some non-work-related shenanigans

that have obviously gone in the little reporty.

But, I must admit, we have dug up some wonderfully curious facts.

Yes, we certainly have. Well done, team. But now, it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

I certainly won't. Thank you.

What are you up to tonight, sir?

Tonight, I'm going to be drawing some bunnies.

I mean, I'm going to draw some money out of the bank. A lot of money.

£20 or something.

-Goodbye, everybody!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd