Episode 5 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

TELEPHONE RINGS

'Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

'we explore any subject you desire.

'And deliver top-quality curious facts.'

ALL SHOUT OUT

'On hand, our dedicated team, Lovett, Teaparty,

'Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls.

'And of course, Captain Length-Width.'

'That's Miss Bracegirdle.

'She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

'and compile a report.

'If we fail to impress, the Mega Boss will shut the ministry down.'

'Let's not dilly dally! There's lots to do.

'Welcome to The Ministry of Curious Stuff.'

Good morning, everybody!

-Good morning, Mr Reeves!

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

What are the headlines today?

Well, a rhinoceros's horn is made of compacted hair.

-Carrots used to be purple.

-Really?

-And your middle finger nail grows the fastest.

-Really?

I'm not sure I can believe that. That sounds a bit far-fetched to me.

-Length-Width!

-Aaaah!

WHISPERS

-A party?!

-Whist, lad!

Don't tell Bracegirdle that we're having a party in the Ministry,

-or we'll all be in big trouble.

-Got it!

-Good.

Mr Reeves, what are you whispering about?

We're having a party later!

Oh!

-Oh, are we having a party?!

-Shush! Whisht, lass!

We're having a party later on.

But don't let Bracegirdle know or we'll all be in big trouble.

-Oh, right! Hooray!

-Hooray!

Mr Reeves...

Yes, Mistress?

I can hear you.

-Pardon?

-I said, I can hear you.

And you mark my words, if you throw a party on Ministry property,

there'll be big trouble!

Now, if you don't get to work immediately,

it's going in the report!

And the Mega Boss will not be happy.

Bofff! RINGS BELL

-Mr Frazernagle!

-Oh, morning, Mr Reeves.

Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

Oh, there's a call on line one. Putting you through, Mr Reeves.

Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here, at The Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of usage to your point at issue?

Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name is Jeanay. And I want to know some stuff about curious homes.

Very good, Jeanay. Thank you very much for your enquiry.

I shall do my utmost. Thank you. Good day.

Jeanay wants to know some curious stuff about curious homes.

Let's see what we can do.

So, what have we got?

Well, Mr Reeves,

a man spent nearly 18 years living in an airport in Paris.

He was caught up in a legal battle which meant

-that he couldn't leave the airport.

-I could live in an airport.

I mean, all the chocolates in the duty-free shop!

Yeah, and drink all the aeroplane milk,

-freshly squeezed from the plane that morning.

-Yes!

Hang on. What do you mean, aeroplane milk?

Oh, come on, Mr Reeves.

Don't tell me you've never milked an aeroplane?

-Length-Width, you can't milk an aeroplane.

-Yes, you can.

You just grab it by the udders and squeeze.

-An aeroplane doesn't have udders. It's an aeroplane!

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

Then what have I been drinking?

I really, really, don't ever, ever want to know.

Right, come on, what other facts have we got about curious homes?

Well, Mr Reeves, in Japan in 2008,

a woman was found living inside a tiny cupboard in a man's house.

She had lived there undetected for almost a year!

What kind of sherbet-based idiot wouldn't know

if there was someone living in a cupboard in their house?!

Must be a proper Ninny Norman!

THEY LAUGH

-A Harry Halfwit!

-Yeah!

-An Alan Fool!

-Edwin Gravy Boat!

-Gregory Ploppy Bott!

-Terry Twaddle!

Dr Dozyo!

-Jonathan Just-Doesn't-Get-It!

-Bill McNoodles!

-Mitchell McDollop.

-Bert Brown-Log!

Ah! That was a bit of fun, wasn't it?

Great fun. Oh, dear, dear.

Unbelievable.

-Thank you, Master.

-Thank you.

Right, come on. Any other curious fact about curious homes?

Oh, listen to this.

A doctor once examined a nine-year-old boy

who was experiencing faint popping sounds in his ear.

The doctor discovered he had two spiders living in there,

walking around on his eardrum.

Now, that is a curious place to live.

Hang on a minute, Length-Width,

haven't you got a couple of spiders living in your ear hole?

-Do you mean Tom and Carol?

-Yes.

-Yes, well, they've just come back, actually.

-Really?

-Yes, they've come home.

-Could I take a look?

Oh please, be my guest.

So, what is it you are after?

Well, we're thinking about knocking through and building an extension.

Maybe a games room for when the lads come around.

Well, we'll see about that!

And over there, we'd like a kitchen, with a breakfast bar.

Do you think you could do that?

Yeah, of course I can. There's tons of room in here.

I mean, look at that view there, as well. You can see right through.

And listen to the echo. Echo!

Echo! Echo! >

Oh, lovely.

Well, they seem like a lovely couple.

Trust me, they're a nightmare. They're always late paying the rent.

OK, any more curious facts about curious homes?

Well, Mr Reeves, there have been reports of the Great Barrier

pearl fish living in a sea cucumber's bottom.

SHE GASPS

Oooh, Miss E!

SNIGGERS

Cucumber in H6, Mr Reeves.

Let's have a look, see what we've got.

-Well, I can't really see anything.

-What are you doing?

Erm, I beg your pardon?

I said, what do you think you're doing?

Erm, having a look in your bottom.

My bottom? Why?

I wanted to see if there was a fish in there.

And in what part of your tiny mind did you think it was OK

to do that, before talking to me first?

Sorry, it was a kind of a spur of the moment thing.

I just heard that some sea cucumbers have fish living in their behinds.

Listen to me, I am not a sea cucumber! I am just a cucumber!

I don't live in the sea. I don't like the sea.

-I don't even own a pair of trunks.

-I'm sorry! I'm really sorry.

-It will never happen again. Sorry!

-By the way, that's not my face.

Sorry.

Oh, Miss Teaparty! That sea cucumber was very intimidating.

Have you got any more curious facts on curious homes?

Well, here's something, Mr Reeves.

Hermit crabs are able to choose their favourite shell,

set up home in it, and move it as they grow.

I'm going to have to have a word with my friend, Steve, about this.

-Right, Ken, science book, is it?

-Shush! I'm trying to read!

SHRIEKS AND CHATTERS

-Steve!

-As I live and breathe! Vic Reeves! Long-time, no see!

What can I do for you?

I've heard that hermit crabs change home as they grow, right?

That's right. We can pick any old shell and move in.

It doesn't even have to be a shell.

Us hermit crabs will live in anything. We're not fussy!

See, there's Gordon. He's just set up home inside a tuba.

All right, Gordon?

PARPS

All right, Gordon?

Oh, and there's my mate, Claire.

She's completely refurbished her home.

-Hello!

-Love what you've done with the place, Claire.

Anyway, Steve, I couldn't help but notice, but you're homeless.

You're spot on there, Vic. I'm looking for a place at the moment.

-So if you hear of anything, let us know.

-Mmm. Right, Steve.

Follow me, I'm sure we've got something for you at the Ministry.

OK!

Right, Steve, come on. Let's have a butcher's hook.

There's got to be something for you to live in round here.

Have a look in the drawers. Oh, hello! A yak's horn.

How about living in that?

-No?

-No.

-Not interested? Right, ah!

Luxury and quite formal.

-What about that? Any good? Not good enough?

-No.

Well, I'm afraid that's all I've got in my drawers.

Wait a minute, Length-Width, let me just have a look over here

-and see what he's got.

-Hang on a sec! This is perfect!

-Open it!

-No!

-I've got a potential sale here!

-No! No! He's not living in here!

This is just the ticket! Oh, is that a hot tub? Can I?

I don't know, can you? Steve?

Steve! Steve, where are you? Steve!

KNOCKING

Oh!

Vic! I love it! I'll take it.

Another satisfied customer!

Mr Reeves - I'd like to remind you renting out Ministry furniture

as living space is against company rules.

This is a place of work!

It's time to extract the facts.

"Dear Jeanay - I'm delighted to enclose some stuff

"about curious homes.

"We found a man who spent nearly 18 years

"in an airport in Paris..."

"Curious Homes - facts extracted!"

-Welcome to the Ministry canteen.

-Good morning, Mrs Dollop.

It's "Do-lope!"

-What can I get for you, sweetheart?

-I'd like some soup.

Tony - so-oup!

-TONY GROWLS

-No, that's a tin of corned beef.

TONY SNAPS

-PLATE RATTLES ON FLOOR

-No, that's a pork chop.

-TONY GRUNTS

-Do I have to do everything?

Second shelf, packet, says "soup" on it!!

TONY YELPS

Did you know that every time you lick a stamp,

you're consuming 5.9 calories!

-Ah!

-I know! Special stamps are 14.5!

TONY GRUNTS

That...is soap, Tony.

-TONY GRUNTS

-She asked for soup!

-You hairy apeth!

-TONY YELPS

I'm sorry - kitchen's closed for training.

BELL RINGS

Tony!!!

TONY YELPS

Psss!

Psss! Psss! Psss!

Psss! Psss! Pssst! Pss-ssst!

-Length-Width, Length-Width, over here!

-What?

-Pssst!

-What?!

Have you seen this?

-Wowee!

-Yeah...

-Mr Reeves, that's an impressive cake.

-Did you make it?

-Well, obviously not,

-but I'm going to tell everyone I did.

-Obviously!

-It's for the party.

-Ooh, the party, of course!

-Sshhh!

I've got some very important people coming.

-I know people all around the world.

-Do you?

-Yes, I do.

-Really?

-And when they see this ca...

-Where's the cake gone?

-It's gone, Mr Reeves.

-Where's the cake gone?

-What are you going to do? It's gone.

-I don't know. Ah -

there's the emergency sausag... Where's the emergency sausages gone?

-Now we're in a pickle.

-I love pickle!

Mr Reeves, can I suggest you get on with some work

before I put your party planning in my report?

-Ministry rules clearly state...

-Miss Bracegirdle! Will you stop

going on about parties? Always going on about parties!

Some of us round here have got some work to do.

-Thank you very much. Mr Frazernagle...

-PHONE RINGS

please tell me there's a caller on the line.

I've got a call coming through on line four.

You know what to do, Mr Reeves!

PHONE RINGS

Hello-o-o. This is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff -

how might I be of facilitation in this matter?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Luke, and I want to know some stuff

about the curious food we will eat in the future.

Thank you very much, Luke. Thanks.

All the best. Cheers. Ba-aye!

Luke wants to know what kind of food we might eat in the future.

Let's see what we can find.

-The future!

-Future!

-Can you see into the future?

-I can see into YOUR future.

-You can?

-Yes, all I have to do

is look into my crystal ball here, located under my pants.

-Mystic!

-Yes!

-Now - in the future, you will go on a very short journey.

-Yes?

-A life-changing journey.

-Yes?

-And after this journey is over, you will feel great relief!

-Yes?

You will let go of things you've been holding onto for a long time!

-Where...where does this journey take me?

-It takes you

through this door, down the corridor,

-and then second on the right.

-That's the toilet!

-Yes.

-Now, you look here!

-You look here!

-Now, you look here!

-You look here!

-You look here!

-THEY BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES

-Right - curious facts about future food...!

Well, Mr Reeves - in 1932, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill

predicted we'd be growing cuts of meat in 50 years' time.

Well, in 2012,

Dutch scientists managed to grow a strip of meat in the lab.

They hope to grow a full hamburger later this year.

Well, I say, if you're going to grow burgers,

you do it the old-fashioned way.

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-Here I've got a lovely burger bush.

Now, that would liven up any garden!

There's a wonderful, bountiful crop on here.

There's one there, just starting to sprout its buns.

Now, Captain Length-Width, how are those sausage trees coming along?

I've just, er, just planted the seeds now, Mr Reeves.

And, er, give it a little sprinkle 'ere.

-That's gravy, right?

-That's right. Not too much at this stage.

And then we should start to see this sausage

in about two to three months, in the spring -

bootiful.

The tree'll start to sausage in the spring, then, will it?

That's right, it'll start to sausage in the spring.

-It'll be bootiful.

-OK. Any more facts about future foods?

Er, well, Mr Reeves - in 2001,

a Japanese farmer grew square water melons.

The fruit stacked up very neatly on market shelves.

However, the price, not so juicy, as they cost about £50 each.

Uugh! Square water melons, you say?

They'd go down very well at my party.

Perhaps we should get this farmer fella in.

DOORBELL RINGS Square water melon farmer - inset 32.

-AMERICAN ACCENTS:

-Good day, sir!

Can I have half a dozen square water melons?

-Sure. Er, that will be £300.

-£300 for six water melons?

Yeah! What do you expect? They were £50 each!

-You do the math!

-Have you got anything cheaper?

Er, sure. I've got a...

-triangular banana.

-No, thanks.

Er, OK, sure. What about a hexagonal lemon?

-No way!

-No? Fine, suit yourself.

OK, these are going to blow your mind. Round oranges.

Not really... Wait a minute!

Oranges are already round!

What? Oh, my gosh - where are you from?!

Next thing you'll telling me apples grow on trees!

Apples grow on trees!

Really? Right, any more facts on how people might eat in the future?

Oh, well, sticking with farmers, Mr Reeves -

the future of growing foods is vertical farming.

Scientists believe that greenhouses

will be stacked on top of one another to grow crops.

-It will save a tonne of space.

-Vertical farming, hey?

More facts, please!

Er, yes, a very peculiar one here, Mr Reeves - I found a scientist

who has predicted that by the year 2025,

we might be able to create a smart yoghurt

-that we could have conversations with.

-How could you talk to yoghurt?

Well, apparently, it's thought that the bacteria in the yoghurt

could be modified to carry electronic signals

-and then behave like a brain.

-Imagine that!

Food that you can talk to!

Imagine the amazing conversations that you could have with it!

MUSIC STARTS

# I'm just talking to my yoghurt

# I gossip with my custard

# Having a parley with my pudding

# I'm just gassing with my mustard

# And when it all comes down to it

# Better than talking to my friends

# I like chatting with my dinner

# Don't you get upset Please don't get excited

# I'm so sorry, but you were not invited

# Cos it's my dinner date Just a one-on-one

# I'm getting to know much better now

# My beef Wellington!

# And when it all comes down to it

# Better than talking to my friends

# I like chatting with my dinner

# Chatting with my dinner. #

Stop all that mucking about with processed food, Mr Reeves!

Remember, my job is to log any inappropriate behaviour

and report back to the Mega Boss. If he doesn't like what he reads,

this Ministry will be shut down.

So, get on with it!!

Talking yoghurt - what wisdom do you have to share with us?

I'm not being funny, right, but being a yoghurt is, like amazing.

It's such a laugh. Me and my friend Anthony, who's also a yoghurt, too,

we've had this brilliant idea? We're going to do a TV show

where people follow us around with cameras and we just talk and stuff?

-Shush!

-They can call it The Only Way Is Yoghurt...

Ah! Ooh! Ah! What are you do...?

-Mmm!

-Ugh...!

It was the only way I could think of to make her be quiet!

-Peace and quiet.

-Aren't stomachs amazing?

That's where all the food goes, and they call it the stomach?

-Amazing...

-Shut up! Shut up! Be quiet! Be still!

I know how to deal with this.

# Shake, shake, shake, senora

# Shake your body line

# Shake, shake, shake, senora

# Shake it all the time... #

Ah! Peace and quiet!

Mr Reeves! Shall we get on and extract the facts?!

"Dear Luke - I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff

"about future foods..."

Future food facts extracted - so, what's next?

Er, Mr Frazernagle,

any calls coming through on the lines?

I've got a fantastic call coming through on line 2.

I'll connect you straight away.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you!

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here, of the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of encouragement to your goal?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name's Grace,

and I'd like to know some stuff about curious manners.

Thank you, Grace, thank you.

Very kind, thank you. Goodbye.

Grace wants to know some curious facts about manners.

So let's see what we can find.

Lengthwidth, you've got impeccable manners, haven't you?

You're too kind, but you too have absolutely impeccable manners.

-Thank you very much.

-My pleasure.

-The pleasure's mine.

-No, it's certainly mine.

-No, it's mine.

-It's mine!

-Mine!

-Mine!

-Now, look here!

-YOU look here!

-MY pleasure!

-MY pleasure!

-All right, it's YOUR pleasure.

-Thank you!

-Thank YOU!

-No, thank YOU!

-Thank YOU!

-No, thank YOU!

-No, thank YOU!

-Now, look here!

-No, look here!

NO! Thank YOU!

It would be a pleasure if you'd get back to work.

Right. Our guests should be here any second now.

What, for the party? Can I still come?

Of course you can. You're the waiter.

Thanks a bunch.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Mr Reeves?

We'd really like to come to the party,

but we've got too much work to do

finding curious facts about good manners.

Fear ye not,

Tea Party,

we shall combine the two.

My international friends will furnish us

with a myriad of fantastical facts.

DOORBELL RINGS

Party guests arriving at X5, Mr Reeves.

It's not a party!

(It is a party!)

Right, Ministry, my guests are here.

Prepare to see entertainment at its best.

Here they are. Introducing Confucius,

teacher, philosopher

and all-round know-it-all.

A 16th-century pope.

And, all the way from Mexico, my good friend,

Carlos!

MEXICAN MUSIC

CARLOS!

-This is awkward.

-Mr Reeves,

I think I know what might have happened.

You see, in Mexico, it's a polite custom to turn up half an hour late.

OK, I'll give him a ring.

Hi, Carlos.

Are you doing the old turn-up-half-an-hour-late politeness thing?

Bye.

Right, well, who needs Carlos anyway?

Looks like Mexican's off the menu.

-Well, thank you for coming to my party.

-Mr Reeves...

It's not a party!

(It is a party.)

It's work!

Ah, here we are.

Allow me to introduce to you

the starter.

It's cold custard with a sprinkling

of tragedy,

and this comes all the way from...

the kitchen.

Enjoy!

HE BELCHES

Ohhh!

It's all right, Mr Reeves,

in China and much of the Far East, belching is considered a compliment

and a sign that you've enjoyed your meal.

Ah, right.

Well, allow me to show MY appreciation.

HE BELCHES

HE BELCHES

HE BELCHES

PHRRT!

Ohhhh!

Please ignore my butler. He can be rather inappropriate at times.

Still a good party, though, innit?

Mr Reeves, did I just hear you say you're having a party?

It's not a party.

(It is a party.)

Ladies and gentlemen,

the moment you've all been waiting for.

This is the main course, and this is another speciality of mine.

This one is spaghetti

and stuff.

I made it myself

straight out of a tin.

Enjoy yourselves.

Spaghetti with stuff - my favourite!

HE SLURPS LOUDLY

What's he doing?!

It's OK, Mr Reeves. Even though the custom of using forks began in Italy

around the 16th century, the Church originally claimed it was an insult

not to use the natural fork -

the hand.

Right, well, I'll leave him to it then.

He's from the 16th century.

Well, here's a curious custom for you, Mr Reeves.

In China, it is considered good manners to refuse a helping of food

several times before accepting it.

So this means a good host has to ask, well, at least three times

if the guest wants another serving!

Leave this one to me.

Mr Confucius, would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

Right, party's over. I think we've all had enough meatballs

and it's ruined the atmosphere.

So come on, chop chop, get out!

Off you go!

HE BELCHES

Don't' try and sweet-talk me, Confucius!

-Ciao, bello!

-Yes, goodbye.

-Thank you.

-Thanks very much.

-Lovely party. Very civilised.

-A pleasure, thank you.

-We'll have to have you over to our place next time.

-I'll be there.

Thank you very much. Now, goodbye!

Thank you.

Who was that last two and how did they get in?

I dunno!

Right, well, let's not let these nuts go to waste.

I know someone who'd like these.

Hello!

-How did your little shindig go?

-Not bad.

I saved you some nuts.

Great!

Oh, no! Right in the peeper!

MR REEVES CHUCKLES

Well, I think we can all agree, my party was a huge success.

Well,

we'll have to see what head office have to say

when they read my report about your illegal party.

Oh, and what party would that be, Miss Bracegirdle?

Because I think you'll find Mr Reeves was merely conducting

some top-grade research into good and bad manners. So you can take your report

and you can feed it to the cucumber!

High-five, sister!

Way to go, girlfriend!

Well.. I mean, technically speaking, it were...

Well done, Mr Reeves.

You seem to have got away with it.

This time.

Extract the Facts!

Dear Grace, I'm delighted to enclose some stuff about curious manners.

So that was curious stuff about manners.

And that is what you call Facty Extracty.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

No, no, no, thank YOU, Mr Reeves,

for my report is full of crimes today.

But I must admit

we have dug up some wonderfully curious facts.

Yes, we have, team.

Well done all round. But I'm afraid now it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you, Miss Tea-Party.

-What will you be up to tonight, sir?

Well, Miss Tea-Party,

tonight I thought I might highlight my hair.

I mean, er...

fight a bear.

Fight SEVERAL bears, in a dark wood.

-Goodbye, everybody.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd