Episode 6 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

'Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

'we explore any subject you desire

'and deliver top-quality curious facts.'

'On hand, our dedicated team - Lovett, Teaparty,

'Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls,

'and, of course, Captain Length-Width.'

'That's Miss Bracegirdle.

'She's been sent by Head Office to investigate our work

'and compile a report.

'If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the ministry down.'

'Let's not dillydally, there's lots to do.

'Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.'

Morning, everybody.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines?

-The first animal in space was a fruit fly...

-Really?

-..Japan has an annual belly button festival...

-Yes.

..and Captain Length-Width

has got his fingers stuck up his nose, again.

-Not again. Length-Width!

-Mm-hm?

-Oh, thank you, Mr Reeves. Oh, what a relief.

-And what's all this here?

Step away from there, sir, please. That is a crime scene.

What we know so far is that at five o'clock yesterday afternoon,

a pencil was sat on that table and that pencil has now disappeared.

And do you have any suspects in mind?

We wouldn't like to comment on any suspects

until we have ascertained more facts.

And is that the pencil over there?

-Yes, it is. Yes.

-Yes, it is, isn't it?

-I went a bit over the top with this.

-You probably did, didn't you?

-OK.

It's your time you're wasting, Mr Reeves.

The longer you take messing about, the longer we all stay tonight,

remember? It all goes in the report.

HE HUFFS

Good morning, Mr Frazernagle!

Oh! Morning, Mr Reeves.

Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

Call coming from line one, Mr Reeves.

I'll connect you straightaway.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of service to you on your investigation?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Serafina

and I want to know some stuff on curious schools.

Thank you, Serafina.

How lovely of you to call. Thank you. Good day.

Serafina wants to know some facts about curious schools.

Right, boys and girls, what curious school facts have we got?

Well, Mr Reeves, Ely Community College in Cambridgeshire

hit the headlines in 2011 after handing out

a whopping 230 detentions in one day.

They were given for all sorts of things -

chewing gum, wearing scarves inside...

-Even something as silly as wearing odd socks.

-Mmm.

-Can you sign this please, Mr Reeves?

-What's this, boy?

Not another detention report? How many's that this week?

Let's have a look. 30 this week!

"Blinking aggressively."

"Looking at the moon."

"Thinking about washing machines." Now, I've told you about that.

And last but not least, what's this?

"Being sarcastic to dust."

How do you keep getting all these?

It is not my fault, Mr Reeves. It's my teacher.

I swear he's got it in for me.

This teacher of yours sounds like a right nincompoop. A proper fool.

I'm going to ring him and give him a piece of my mind. What's his name?

-What are you talking about? It's you, isn't it? I'm home-schooled.

-Mmm.

Well, this home school is not working out, is it?

We need to use this research to find you a new school

where you can graduate like a real boy.

Give me more curious school facts, pronto.

The world's biggest school is City Montessori School in India

and it has almost 40,000 pupils.

-Mmm. No?

-I'm not going there.

-No, I don't like the sound of that.

Sounds like it would take forever to do the register. Anything else?

Yes, Mr Reeves. How about this?

Summerhill School in Suffolk, England,

prides itself on being a place where kids have freedom to be themselves.

The children are encouraged to develop at their own pace

and follow their interests.

That's right, and all the lessons are optional.

Pupils are free to make their own decisions,

choose their own timetable

and do as little or as much schoolwork as they like.

Oh, yes. Can I go to that school? That sounds like a top-notch school.

I can learn chemistry and Russian.

So, you can do whatever you want,

but you want to do chemistry and Russian? I don't think so.

HE GROANS

That school's no good for Length-Width. What he needs

-is rules and plenty of them.

-I agree.

And if it's rules you want, Mr Reeves, in 2009,

when a craze for saying a certain word

swept through a school in Massachusetts,

the head teacher thought it was disrupting classes

and banned the word from being said on school premises.

Really? I wonder what this mysterious word was?

-TANNOY JINGLE

-Head teacher arriving in X1.

Ah, so you must be the head teacher who banned the word?

-Yes, that's right. Hello.

-Hello.

-It just got out of hand.

They were saying this irritating word every minute of every day.

But I said, "My school, my rules," and so I banned it,

and just in time, believe me,

because after a while, these kids just saying this word again

and again and again and again and again

and again, it started to drive some of the teachers round the bend.

-But not me.

-THEY LAUGH

So, what was the word?

The word was, the word was meep.

-Meep.

-Meep?

-Yes.

-And what does "meep" mean?

-I don't think meep...

-Meep.

-..meeps anything, I mean means anything.

-Meep.

Ah-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Meep!

-Then why say it? Why say "meep"?

-Meep.

-Meep.

Could you ask your staff...

-Meep.

-..not to use that word, please?

-Yes, of course I can.

-Thank you.

-Could everybody stop saying "meep" please?

Nobody say "meep" any more, OK?

Although it is fun saying it, isn't it?

Meep, meep. It's a lot of fun actually!

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-I find it very irritating.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Stop it!

Stop saying that silly word!

Thank you.

Meep.

-You, girl. How dare you!

-Sorry, I...

-Silence!

It's a detention for you.

Oh, I like her.

-I've never had a detention in my entire life.

-Meep.

-Detention for you.

-Yes!

I will see you and you after school. Goodbye.

Oh! You two!

Well, what a lovely lady and I'm sure a very, very good head teacher,

but I don't think it's the sort of school for you, Length-Width.

-Do you?

-No.

-No. Any other curious school facts?

Well, if you don't like the sound of that school,

-you might consider having Length-Width taught by an ant.

-Huh?

Research suggests that ants teach other ants to find food.

Now, this is called tandem running,

thought to be one of the first cases of teaching

-in the animal kingdom.

-An ant school!

How does that sound, boy?

-Would you like to be taught by ants?

-Why not?

Well, follow me and we'll go and take a look.

I mean, I'm an idiot, I'll try anything.

Come on, boy.

Hello, Vic.

-Ken.

-Hi, Captain Length-Width.

-Ken.

OWL HOOTS

SCREAMING

Excellent, up and down in tandem. That's right. Good.

-This is nice, isn't it?

-Yes, I know.

Ah, Mr Know, Deputy Head. How may I help?

Yes, I'm looking for this boy to join your school.

I know he's not an ant,

but we've looked at so many other schools and nothing works.

Don't worry. We take literally anyone.

-Now, what's your lad's name?

-Length-Width.

-Length-Width.

-Hello! Don't be shy. He'll be fine.

-Good luck.

Right. First of all, we'll keep it simple -

walking in a straight line, or as we ants call it, tandem running.

Don't worry, just follow my moves and copy, OK?

-Meep.

-What was that?

-Meep.

-Now, we'll have none of that in this school.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Who just meeped?

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep...

-Stop it!

-Meep.

-Meep...

-Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

-Meep...

-Stop it! Stop it!

-Meep...

-STOP IT!

-STOP IT!!

-Meep.

-Meep...

-HE SCREAMS Meep.

-Meep...

Sorry, Mr Reeves. Didn't like that school.

I don't think ants are for me.

-Did you just leave that school?

-Yes, kind of.

I don't know.

I get you into a decent school and you just mess it up!

-You do my head in sometimes!

-You both do my head in.

I think it's time to extract the facts.

"Dear Serafina,

"I'm delighted to enclose some stuff about curious schools.

"We found out that City Montessori School in India

"has a whopping 40,000 pupils.

"Pupils at Summerhill School in Suffolk

"are allowed to as do as little

"or as much work as they like.

"And in 2009, a head teacher in Massachusetts

"banned all pupils from saying the word meep."

-Meep.

-So that's stuff about curious schools. What's next?

Mr Frazernagle, any calls on the switchboard?

Oh, I've got a fantastic call coming from line three.

You know what to do.

-Thanks, Nagles.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-How might I be of encouragement to your mission?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name is Nana and I'd like to know some curious stuff about bogies.

Ooh! Really?

Thank you, Nana. Thank you for your enquiry. Goodbye, yes. Goodbye.

Nana wants to know some curious facts about, wait for it, bogies.

HE LAUGHS

-Oh, no.

-Yes, bogies,

or mucus as it's more formally known.

OK, let's see what we can find out.

HE YAWNS

I knew it! I knew it! How dare you!

-Now, look here...

-Now, you look here...

-You look here...

-You look here...

-THEY BLOW RASPBERRIES

Mr Reeves, when you and your pet poodle are quite finished,

-get back to work.

-OK, so what do we know about snot? Teaparty?

Well, incredibly, Mr Reeves, humans produce almost a litre of snot

and mucus a day and most of it is swallowed.

Urgh! That sounds like a lot. More snotty facts.

Well, Mr Reeves, snails share their mucus.

-Length-Width and I share our mucus.

-That's right.

I have him from Mondays to Fridays,

then Mr Reeves has him at the weekends.

They don't share like that, Mr Reeves.

Snails reuse mucus trails left by other snails,

because making them takes a lot of energy.

Excuse me.

-You're not going past the town hall, are you?

-Indeed I am.

You don't mind if I save energy and use your trail?

Jump into the slime and slide away.

One sensible pair of snails. I wish them all the best with the future.

-More snot facts, please.

-Well, Mr Reeves,

the speed of a sneeze can be up to 100 miles an hour.

-That's faster than a cheetah can run.

-Really?

I wonder how fast my snot can travel.

GLASS BREAKING 45 miles an hour.

Not bad. More snotty facts.

Did you know you can buy celebrities' bogies?

Scarlett Johansson's used hanky was sold online.

-It raised 5,300 for charity.

-I know.

Famous bogies is big business and that's why I've pumped

my entire life savings into a museum of bogies of the rich and famous.

-Oh, I would love to see that.

-Follow me.

-Bogies.

-Yes.

Ah, ah! Goss Peanuts, the curator of the museum.

Mr Reeves, it is so nice to see you.

-Perhaps you might like to give us a guided tour?

-I would love to.

This antique is a bogey

once owned by the artist formerly known as Cheryl Cole.

-She's just called Cheryl now.

-I know.

If you look very closely at the detail, you'll be able to see

that Cheryl is a fan of the role it, flick it technique.

Hey, I think we're all partial to a bit of roll it, flick it

-now and then, eh?

-Yes, indeed.

-Now, this item is very, very special indeed.

-Oh!

-What a beauty!

-It's a monster.

This big green masterpiece comes from the honk of the pop queen,

Lady Gaga. But up until now, no one had ever seen one.

-They're very rare.

-Why's that?

-Well, she usually eats them.

-Ah.

-Good, good, good.

Actually, do you know what? All this talk has made me a little hungry.

Perhaps you'd like to join me in the museum cafe for lunch?

The chef does a wonderful home-made phlegm.

-Sounds delicious. You try and stop us.

-Some of that.

Yes, you're right, it really is a splendid museum.

Thank you very much. Now all that talk of bogies has really

put me in the mood for a little bit of bogey boogie woogie.

MUSIC STARTS

# Bogies, bogies, we love bogies

# Here at headquarters We're supporters of bogies

# Sweet sweet bogies

# Bogies, pick them, hold it and flick and then boogie

# Flip flop-a boogie woogie!

# Oh, yes!

# Bogies, bogies, we love bogies

# Here at the ministry there's always possibility of bogies

# Sweet sweet bogies

# Holding and picking

# Rolling and flicking the bogies

# Flip flop-a boogie woogie! Yes!

# Flip flop-a boogie woogie boogie!

-# I'm rolling!

-# Flip flop-a boogie woogie! Boogie!

-# We're flicking!

-# Flip flop-a boogie woogie! Boogie!

# Flip flop-a boogie woogie! Boogie!

# Bogies and snot balls bigger than footballs

# We'll get them cooked up by Heston Blumenthal

ALL: # Bogies! #

Inappropriate picking and flicking.

-HE SNIFFS

-It's all going in the report.

Honestly, Mr Reeves, anyone would think you don't care

if the Megaboss shuts this place down or not.

Shall we extract the facts?

"Dear Nana,

"I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about bogies.

"We found out that the actress Scarlett Johansson

"sold her used hanky for charity.

"The speed of a sneeze can be up to 100 miles an hour,

"faster than a cheetah runs,

"and snails save energy by sharing each other's mucus trails."

Bogies extracted. So, what's next?

Right, I think we've got time for more curious stuff.

Frazernagle, anybody on the lines?

There's a fantastic call coming from line four.

I'll put you through now.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-How might I be of support to your study?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name is Theo and I'd like to know some curious stuff about tunnels.

Thank you, Theo. Thank you, goodbye.

Theo wants to know some curious stuff about tunnels.

Curious facts about tunnels. What have we got?

-Well, I have something here, Mr Reeves.

-Yes.

Scientists predict that if there was a tunnel

that went all the way through the middle of the Earth

and through to Australia, and if you fell down it,

that it would take you 42 minutes to come out the other end.

42 minutes, you say?

Right. OK, now where is it?

HE MUTTERS

-What on earth are you looking for, Mr Reeves?

-Ah, this.

My can of Instant Hole.

One spray of this and we'll have a tunnel that goes all the way

through the Earth and out the other side and then, and only then,

will we know if it takes 42 minutes.

RUMBLING

Right. That seems to have done the trick.

Now all I need is a willing volunteer.

Length-Width! Ah, Length-Width, there you are.

I wonder if you'd be so kind as to help me with an experiment?

-Mr Reeves, I'd love to.

-OK, I'd like you to take this, please.

OK. Now, waaaaa....!

HE SCREAMS

And don't forget to take a note of how long it takes.

HE SCREAMS

DIDGERIDOO MUSIC

42 minutes. Extraordinary.

What the didgery-dunce is going on here?

Wait a minute. Captain Length-Width? I thought you were on holiday.

-Mr Reeves, is that you?

-No, Mick Cleeves, mate.

Head of the Ministry of Curious Stuff, Australian branch.

You're not our Captain Length-Width,

I can tell by the peculiar Dutch accent you've got.

Wait a minute, let me guess,

you're a Length-Width from another branch

and you fell through a hole in the centre of Earth?

-How did you know?

-It happens more than you'd think, mate.

Let me introduce you to the rest of the team.

-Here we've got Beachparty.

-G'day, mate.

-Hello.

-You've got Likeitt there.

-All right?

This lovely creature over here is Dingo Sniffer.

Get back to work, you flaming galahs.

That's my wife.

Our Captain Length-Width's away on holiday at Space Camp.

It's a shame you couldn't meet him the resemblance is uncanny.

But whilst you're here, why don't you stick around and help out?

You know, I'd love to but Mr Reeves will be in one of his dirty moods

and when I get back there, he'll give me the silent treatment, you know.

It's a shame cos we're looking

at some really interesting and curious stuff today.

We're checking out sitting around eating cupcakes

and stroking some kittens.

-Well, maybe I could stick around for a little while longer.

-Yeah?

-ALL:

-The other Length-Width!

The other Length-Width!

Don't go mad.

Length-Width! Length-Width! I've got ham and jam for you!

Length-Width!

Oh! Where is he? He can't usually resist me ham and jam.

Maybe he's being intimidated by an earthworm.

Maybe I should go down there after him.

I wouldn't want Head Office to find out

that you'd been frolicking about in a massive hole.

That's it. If Length-Width wants to skive off, that's up to him.

That dude is history.

Come on, give me some curious tunnel facts.

Well, Mr Reeves, a tunnel-boring machine, also known as a mole,

is a machine used to dig tunnels.

They're pretty darn tough and they can bore through hard rock and sand.

Right. I think I should talk to one of these tunnel-boring machines.

One tunnel-boring machine arriving in G1, Mr Reeves.

Ah, tunnel-boring machine,

how many miles of tunnel do you think you've personally bored?

I haven't bored any tunnels,

I'm just a boring machine.

Allegedly, I am very, very,

very, very, very, very...

OK, goodbye.

Right. Has anyone got anything curious to say,

preferably about tunnels?

Well, this might be interesting, Mr Reeves.

-What do you know about dark rides?

-Not a lot.

Well, dark rides are some of the oldest amusement park rides.

They're often called Tunnel of Love rides.

-The Tunnel of Love! Sounds exotic.

-I'm pleased you're so enthused.

I've arranged you a tutorial with dark rides expert Frankie Gibbons

so you can learn all the facts.

Yes, well, you see... I'm a very busy man,

I don't want to go on some boring ride with some bearded know-it-all.

Look, when he gets here, tell him I'm too busy.

-TANNOY JINGLE

-Frankie Gibbons loading in X5.

Hi. I'm Frankie Gibbons.

I'm here for Mr Reeves.

I'm gonna take him on a dark ride tour!

I'm so sorry, Miss Gibbons, change of plan.

-Mr Reeves was just saying that...

-Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Miss Gibbons!

-But, Mr Reeves, you said...

-Shut it!

Hello. Vic Reeves. Gemini. Single.

Likes walks in the park and boil-in-the-bag dinners.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, my! Such a gentleman!

Let's continue this conversation in the Tunnel of Love.

THEY GIGGLE

Tell me more about this lovely, lovely Tunnel of Love.

Well, dark rides were essentially

just a boat ride for two through a dark tunnel.

The rides were either romantic,

like this Tunnel of Love, or spooky horror rides.

Ohh! HE LAUGHS

Well, let's forget about the spooky and concentrate on the romance.

OK, Mr Reeves.

Do you like finding out about curious stuff?

Yes, actually, Miss Gibbons, I do.

-How much curious stuff do you know?

-A lot.

-Tell me something.

-Did you know

that you spend three years of your life on the toilet?

-More!

-An elephant eats its mother's poo.

-Oh, Mr Reeves!

-I know, I'm fascinating, aren't I?

OK. Mmm!

Surprise!

Nooooo!

This cannot be happening to me again!

Don't ask me how it went, I don't want to talk about it.

Now give me another tunnel fact, please.

Well, here's one, Mr Reeves.

In 2010, a woman in the Netherlands escaped from prison

and she dug a secret escape tunnel using only a spoon.

-I know. And she's here today!

-HE LAUGHS

No! It's happened again!

Why didn't anyone hide the cutlery?

Who am I kidding? I'm not bothered about some stupid tunnel.

It's Length-Width that I miss.

The ministry is just not the same without him.

MAMBO MUSIC

That's enough fun for now, people.

Big round of applause for the other Captain Length-Width.

-Hip hop!

-Hooray!

Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome.

I wish I could stay here for ever!

We'd love to have you, mate.

Wait. Sounds like our Captain Length-Width is back from vacation.

-Oh!

-You're not gonna believe it, mate, you're like a pair of twins.

Right, well, show him in.

Captain Length-Width meet Captain Length-Width.

-FAIRGROUND MUSIC

-Like looking in a flaming mirror!

It looks nothing like me! It's a pig!

-PIG SNORTS

-How dare you!

It's a pig in a hat!

Beg your pardon! Captain Length-Width, don't listen to him!

How could you?!

-Ministry, boo him!

-ALL BOO

There's no place like home! There's no place like home!

There's no place like home!

There's no place like home! There's no place like home!

Ha! I'm home!

Mr Reeves! Is it you?

Is it really, really you?

Length-Width! Length-Width! How I've missed you!

I've missed you and your stupid face!

Your stupid jowly, wobbly face!

And I've missed your silly mushy-wushy podgy little face!

BOTH SOB

Oh, how touching(!)

When you've quite finished fiddling with each other's faces.

It's time for the Final Fact Extraction.

"Dear Theo, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about tunnels.

"We found out - "

And...

That's curious stuff about tunnels.

And that is how one extracts the facts!

-Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

-No, thank you, Mr Reeves.

My report has been filling up today.

I can't wait to show the Megaboss this little lot.

But, I must admit, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts.

Yes, we have, Miss Bracegirdle.

And well done to everybody but, I'm afraid, now it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you, Miss Teaparty.

-And what are you up to tonight?

Well, tonight, I thought I'd go and have a make-over with the girls.

I mean, I-I-I'm going to take over another world!

Yes. Bye.

ALL: Goodnight, Mr Reeves.

-Goodbye, everybody!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd