Episode 6 Ministry Of Curious Stuff



Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 6. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

PHONE RINGS

0:00:020:00:03

'Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

0:00:050:00:08

'we explore any subject you desire

0:00:080:00:10

'and deliver top-quality curious facts.'

0:00:100:00:14

'On hand, our dedicated team - Lovett, Teaparty,

0:00:170:00:21

'Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls,

0:00:210:00:24

'and, of course, Captain Length-Width.'

0:00:240:00:28

'That's Miss Bracegirdle.

0:00:330:00:36

'She's been sent by Head Office to investigate our work

0:00:360:00:39

'and compile a report.

0:00:390:00:40

'If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the ministry down.'

0:00:400:00:44

'Let's not dillydally, there's lots to do.

0:00:470:00:50

'Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.'

0:00:500:00:54

Morning, everybody.

0:00:540:00:56

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

0:00:560:00:59

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

0:00:590:01:01

Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines?

0:01:010:01:03

-The first animal in space was a fruit fly...

-Really?

0:01:030:01:07

-..Japan has an annual belly button festival...

-Yes.

0:01:070:01:10

..and Captain Length-Width

0:01:100:01:11

has got his fingers stuck up his nose, again.

0:01:110:01:13

-Not again. Length-Width!

-Mm-hm?

0:01:130:01:17

-Oh, thank you, Mr Reeves. Oh, what a relief.

-And what's all this here?

0:01:170:01:21

Step away from there, sir, please. That is a crime scene.

0:01:210:01:24

What we know so far is that at five o'clock yesterday afternoon,

0:01:240:01:28

a pencil was sat on that table and that pencil has now disappeared.

0:01:280:01:33

And do you have any suspects in mind?

0:01:330:01:36

We wouldn't like to comment on any suspects

0:01:360:01:39

until we have ascertained more facts.

0:01:390:01:43

And is that the pencil over there?

0:01:430:01:45

-Yes, it is. Yes.

-Yes, it is, isn't it?

0:01:450:01:47

-I went a bit over the top with this.

-You probably did, didn't you?

-OK.

0:01:470:01:51

It's your time you're wasting, Mr Reeves.

0:01:510:01:53

The longer you take messing about, the longer we all stay tonight,

0:01:530:01:57

remember? It all goes in the report.

0:01:570:02:00

HE HUFFS

0:02:000:02:02

Good morning, Mr Frazernagle!

0:02:070:02:09

Oh! Morning, Mr Reeves.

0:02:090:02:10

Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

0:02:100:02:13

Call coming from line one, Mr Reeves.

0:02:130:02:15

I'll connect you straightaway.

0:02:150:02:17

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

0:02:170:02:20

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

0:02:200:02:24

How might I be of service to you on your investigation?

0:02:240:02:28

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Serafina

0:02:280:02:30

and I want to know some stuff on curious schools.

0:02:300:02:33

Thank you, Serafina.

0:02:330:02:35

How lovely of you to call. Thank you. Good day.

0:02:350:02:38

Serafina wants to know some facts about curious schools.

0:02:380:02:43

Right, boys and girls, what curious school facts have we got?

0:02:480:02:52

Well, Mr Reeves, Ely Community College in Cambridgeshire

0:02:520:02:55

hit the headlines in 2011 after handing out

0:02:550:02:58

a whopping 230 detentions in one day.

0:02:580:03:01

They were given for all sorts of things -

0:03:010:03:04

chewing gum, wearing scarves inside...

0:03:040:03:06

-Even something as silly as wearing odd socks.

-Mmm.

0:03:060:03:10

-Can you sign this please, Mr Reeves?

-What's this, boy?

0:03:100:03:14

Not another detention report? How many's that this week?

0:03:140:03:18

Let's have a look. 30 this week!

0:03:180:03:20

"Blinking aggressively."

0:03:210:03:23

"Looking at the moon."

0:03:230:03:25

"Thinking about washing machines." Now, I've told you about that.

0:03:250:03:30

And last but not least, what's this?

0:03:300:03:32

"Being sarcastic to dust."

0:03:320:03:35

How do you keep getting all these?

0:03:350:03:37

It is not my fault, Mr Reeves. It's my teacher.

0:03:370:03:40

I swear he's got it in for me.

0:03:400:03:42

This teacher of yours sounds like a right nincompoop. A proper fool.

0:03:420:03:47

I'm going to ring him and give him a piece of my mind. What's his name?

0:03:470:03:50

-What are you talking about? It's you, isn't it? I'm home-schooled.

-Mmm.

0:03:500:03:55

Well, this home school is not working out, is it?

0:03:570:04:00

We need to use this research to find you a new school

0:04:000:04:04

where you can graduate like a real boy.

0:04:040:04:06

Give me more curious school facts, pronto.

0:04:060:04:09

The world's biggest school is City Montessori School in India

0:04:090:04:13

and it has almost 40,000 pupils.

0:04:130:04:16

-Mmm. No?

-I'm not going there.

-No, I don't like the sound of that.

0:04:160:04:20

Sounds like it would take forever to do the register. Anything else?

0:04:200:04:23

Yes, Mr Reeves. How about this?

0:04:230:04:25

Summerhill School in Suffolk, England,

0:04:250:04:27

prides itself on being a place where kids have freedom to be themselves.

0:04:270:04:31

The children are encouraged to develop at their own pace

0:04:310:04:34

and follow their interests.

0:04:340:04:36

That's right, and all the lessons are optional.

0:04:360:04:39

Pupils are free to make their own decisions,

0:04:390:04:41

choose their own timetable

0:04:410:04:42

and do as little or as much schoolwork as they like.

0:04:420:04:45

Oh, yes. Can I go to that school? That sounds like a top-notch school.

0:04:450:04:49

I can learn chemistry and Russian.

0:04:490:04:51

So, you can do whatever you want,

0:04:510:04:52

but you want to do chemistry and Russian? I don't think so.

0:04:520:04:56

HE GROANS

0:04:560:04:57

That school's no good for Length-Width. What he needs

0:05:010:05:04

-is rules and plenty of them.

-I agree.

0:05:040:05:08

And if it's rules you want, Mr Reeves, in 2009,

0:05:080:05:11

when a craze for saying a certain word

0:05:110:05:14

swept through a school in Massachusetts,

0:05:140:05:16

the head teacher thought it was disrupting classes

0:05:160:05:19

and banned the word from being said on school premises.

0:05:190:05:22

Really? I wonder what this mysterious word was?

0:05:220:05:25

-TANNOY JINGLE

-Head teacher arriving in X1.

0:05:250:05:28

Ah, so you must be the head teacher who banned the word?

0:05:300:05:33

-Yes, that's right. Hello.

-Hello.

-It just got out of hand.

0:05:330:05:37

They were saying this irritating word every minute of every day.

0:05:370:05:40

But I said, "My school, my rules," and so I banned it,

0:05:400:05:44

and just in time, believe me,

0:05:440:05:46

because after a while, these kids just saying this word again

0:05:460:05:49

and again and again and again and again

0:05:490:05:51

and again, it started to drive some of the teachers round the bend.

0:05:510:05:57

-But not me.

-THEY LAUGH

0:05:570:05:58

So, what was the word?

0:05:580:06:01

The word was, the word was meep.

0:06:010:06:04

-Meep.

-Meep?

-Yes.

-And what does "meep" mean?

0:06:040:06:07

-I don't think meep...

-Meep.

0:06:070:06:09

-..meeps anything, I mean means anything.

-Meep.

0:06:090:06:12

Ah-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Meep!

0:06:120:06:15

-Then why say it? Why say "meep"?

-Meep.

-Meep.

0:06:150:06:19

Could you ask your staff...

0:06:190:06:20

-Meep.

-..not to use that word, please?

-Yes, of course I can.

0:06:200:06:24

-Thank you.

-Could everybody stop saying "meep" please?

0:06:240:06:28

Nobody say "meep" any more, OK?

0:06:280:06:31

Although it is fun saying it, isn't it?

0:06:310:06:33

Meep, meep. It's a lot of fun actually!

0:06:330:06:36

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

0:06:360:06:38

-I find it very irritating.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

0:06:380:06:41

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Stop it!

0:06:410:06:45

Stop saying that silly word!

0:06:450:06:47

Thank you.

0:06:520:06:54

Meep.

0:06:540:06:56

-You, girl. How dare you!

-Sorry, I...

-Silence!

0:06:560:07:00

It's a detention for you.

0:07:000:07:02

Oh, I like her.

0:07:020:07:04

-I've never had a detention in my entire life.

-Meep.

0:07:040:07:08

-Detention for you.

-Yes!

0:07:080:07:10

I will see you and you after school. Goodbye.

0:07:100:07:16

Oh! You two!

0:07:160:07:19

Well, what a lovely lady and I'm sure a very, very good head teacher,

0:07:190:07:23

but I don't think it's the sort of school for you, Length-Width.

0:07:230:07:27

-Do you?

-No.

-No. Any other curious school facts?

0:07:270:07:31

Well, if you don't like the sound of that school,

0:07:310:07:34

-you might consider having Length-Width taught by an ant.

-Huh?

0:07:340:07:38

Research suggests that ants teach other ants to find food.

0:07:380:07:42

Now, this is called tandem running,

0:07:420:07:44

thought to be one of the first cases of teaching

0:07:440:07:47

-in the animal kingdom.

-An ant school!

0:07:470:07:50

How does that sound, boy?

0:07:500:07:52

-Would you like to be taught by ants?

-Why not?

0:07:520:07:55

Well, follow me and we'll go and take a look.

0:07:550:07:58

I mean, I'm an idiot, I'll try anything.

0:07:590:08:02

Come on, boy.

0:08:020:08:04

Hello, Vic.

0:08:040:08:06

-Ken.

-Hi, Captain Length-Width.

-Ken.

0:08:060:08:09

OWL HOOTS

0:08:170:08:19

SCREAMING

0:08:270:08:29

Excellent, up and down in tandem. That's right. Good.

0:08:290:08:33

-This is nice, isn't it?

-Yes, I know.

0:08:350:08:37

Ah, Mr Know, Deputy Head. How may I help?

0:08:370:08:39

Yes, I'm looking for this boy to join your school.

0:08:390:08:42

I know he's not an ant,

0:08:420:08:43

but we've looked at so many other schools and nothing works.

0:08:430:08:46

Don't worry. We take literally anyone.

0:08:460:08:49

-Now, what's your lad's name?

-Length-Width.

-Length-Width.

0:08:490:08:52

-Hello! Don't be shy. He'll be fine.

-Good luck.

0:08:520:08:58

Right. First of all, we'll keep it simple -

0:08:580:09:00

walking in a straight line, or as we ants call it, tandem running.

0:09:000:09:05

Don't worry, just follow my moves and copy, OK?

0:09:050:09:09

-Meep.

-What was that?

0:09:090:09:12

-Meep.

-Now, we'll have none of that in this school.

0:09:120:09:15

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Who just meeped?

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep...

0:09:150:09:19

-Stop it!

-Meep.

-Meep...

-Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

0:09:190:09:23

-Meep...

-Stop it! Stop it!

-Meep...

-STOP IT!

0:09:230:09:27

-STOP IT!!

-Meep.

-Meep...

0:09:270:09:29

-HE SCREAMS Meep.

-Meep...

0:09:290:09:32

Sorry, Mr Reeves. Didn't like that school.

0:09:340:09:38

I don't think ants are for me.

0:09:380:09:40

-Did you just leave that school?

-Yes, kind of.

0:09:400:09:44

I don't know.

0:09:440:09:46

I get you into a decent school and you just mess it up!

0:09:460:09:50

-You do my head in sometimes!

-You both do my head in.

0:09:500:09:54

I think it's time to extract the facts.

0:09:540:09:57

"Dear Serafina,

0:09:570:09:58

"I'm delighted to enclose some stuff about curious schools.

0:09:580:10:02

"We found out that City Montessori School in India

0:10:020:10:05

"has a whopping 40,000 pupils.

0:10:050:10:07

"Pupils at Summerhill School in Suffolk

0:10:070:10:10

"are allowed to as do as little

0:10:100:10:11

"or as much work as they like.

0:10:110:10:13

"And in 2009, a head teacher in Massachusetts

0:10:130:10:16

"banned all pupils from saying the word meep."

0:10:160:10:19

-Meep.

-So that's stuff about curious schools. What's next?

0:10:190:10:23

Mr Frazernagle, any calls on the switchboard?

0:10:230:10:26

Oh, I've got a fantastic call coming from line three.

0:10:260:10:30

You know what to do.

0:10:300:10:32

-Thanks, Nagles.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

0:10:320:10:35

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

0:10:350:10:38

-How might I be of encouragement to your mission?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

0:10:380:10:42

My name is Nana and I'd like to know some curious stuff about bogies.

0:10:420:10:46

Ooh! Really?

0:10:460:10:48

Thank you, Nana. Thank you for your enquiry. Goodbye, yes. Goodbye.

0:10:480:10:53

Nana wants to know some curious facts about, wait for it, bogies.

0:10:530:10:58

HE LAUGHS

0:10:580:10:59

-Oh, no.

-Yes, bogies,

0:10:590:11:02

or mucus as it's more formally known.

0:11:020:11:04

OK, let's see what we can find out.

0:11:040:11:06

HE YAWNS

0:11:200:11:22

I knew it! I knew it! How dare you!

0:11:500:11:54

-Now, look here...

-Now, you look here...

0:11:540:11:56

-You look here...

-You look here...

-THEY BLOW RASPBERRIES

0:11:560:12:00

Mr Reeves, when you and your pet poodle are quite finished,

0:12:000:12:03

-get back to work.

-OK, so what do we know about snot? Teaparty?

0:12:030:12:08

Well, incredibly, Mr Reeves, humans produce almost a litre of snot

0:12:080:12:12

and mucus a day and most of it is swallowed.

0:12:120:12:15

Urgh! That sounds like a lot. More snotty facts.

0:12:150:12:19

Well, Mr Reeves, snails share their mucus.

0:12:190:12:22

-Length-Width and I share our mucus.

-That's right.

0:12:220:12:25

I have him from Mondays to Fridays,

0:12:250:12:27

then Mr Reeves has him at the weekends.

0:12:270:12:29

They don't share like that, Mr Reeves.

0:12:290:12:31

Snails reuse mucus trails left by other snails,

0:12:330:12:36

because making them takes a lot of energy.

0:12:360:12:38

Excuse me.

0:12:380:12:40

-You're not going past the town hall, are you?

-Indeed I am.

0:12:400:12:43

You don't mind if I save energy and use your trail?

0:12:430:12:48

Jump into the slime and slide away.

0:12:480:12:51

One sensible pair of snails. I wish them all the best with the future.

0:12:570:13:02

-More snot facts, please.

-Well, Mr Reeves,

0:13:020:13:05

the speed of a sneeze can be up to 100 miles an hour.

0:13:050:13:09

-That's faster than a cheetah can run.

-Really?

0:13:090:13:12

I wonder how fast my snot can travel.

0:13:120:13:15

GLASS BREAKING 45 miles an hour.

0:13:150:13:17

Not bad. More snotty facts.

0:13:170:13:20

Did you know you can buy celebrities' bogies?

0:13:200:13:23

Scarlett Johansson's used hanky was sold online.

0:13:230:13:26

-It raised 5,300 for charity.

-I know.

0:13:260:13:31

Famous bogies is big business and that's why I've pumped

0:13:310:13:34

my entire life savings into a museum of bogies of the rich and famous.

0:13:340:13:40

-Oh, I would love to see that.

-Follow me.

0:13:400:13:42

-Bogies.

-Yes.

0:13:530:13:54

Ah, ah! Goss Peanuts, the curator of the museum.

0:13:550:13:59

Mr Reeves, it is so nice to see you.

0:13:590:14:02

-Perhaps you might like to give us a guided tour?

-I would love to.

0:14:020:14:06

This antique is a bogey

0:14:060:14:08

once owned by the artist formerly known as Cheryl Cole.

0:14:080:14:13

-She's just called Cheryl now.

-I know.

0:14:130:14:15

If you look very closely at the detail, you'll be able to see

0:14:150:14:19

that Cheryl is a fan of the role it, flick it technique.

0:14:190:14:24

Hey, I think we're all partial to a bit of roll it, flick it

0:14:240:14:27

-now and then, eh?

-Yes, indeed.

0:14:270:14:29

-Now, this item is very, very special indeed.

-Oh!

0:14:290:14:34

-What a beauty!

-It's a monster.

0:14:340:14:36

This big green masterpiece comes from the honk of the pop queen,

0:14:360:14:42

Lady Gaga. But up until now, no one had ever seen one.

0:14:420:14:47

-They're very rare.

-Why's that?

0:14:470:14:50

-Well, she usually eats them.

-Ah.

-Good, good, good.

0:14:500:14:53

Actually, do you know what? All this talk has made me a little hungry.

0:14:530:14:57

Perhaps you'd like to join me in the museum cafe for lunch?

0:14:570:15:01

The chef does a wonderful home-made phlegm.

0:15:010:15:04

-Sounds delicious. You try and stop us.

-Some of that.

0:15:040:15:07

Yes, you're right, it really is a splendid museum.

0:15:100:15:14

Thank you very much. Now all that talk of bogies has really

0:15:140:15:18

put me in the mood for a little bit of bogey boogie woogie.

0:15:180:15:21

MUSIC STARTS

0:15:210:15:23

# Bogies, bogies, we love bogies

0:15:230:15:26

# Here at headquarters We're supporters of bogies

0:15:260:15:30

# Sweet sweet bogies

0:15:300:15:33

# Bogies, pick them, hold it and flick and then boogie

0:15:340:15:39

# Flip flop-a boogie woogie!

0:15:390:15:41

# Oh, yes!

0:15:410:15:43

# Bogies, bogies, we love bogies

0:15:460:15:48

# Here at the ministry there's always possibility of bogies

0:15:480:15:52

# Sweet sweet bogies

0:15:520:15:55

# Holding and picking

0:15:570:15:58

# Rolling and flicking the bogies

0:15:580:16:01

# Flip flop-a boogie woogie! Yes!

0:16:010:16:04

# Flip flop-a boogie woogie boogie!

0:16:040:16:06

-# I'm rolling!

-# Flip flop-a boogie woogie! Boogie!

0:16:060:16:09

-# We're flicking!

-# Flip flop-a boogie woogie! Boogie!

0:16:090:16:12

# Flip flop-a boogie woogie! Boogie!

0:16:120:16:14

# Bogies and snot balls bigger than footballs

0:16:140:16:17

# We'll get them cooked up by Heston Blumenthal

0:16:170:16:20

ALL: # Bogies! #

0:16:220:16:24

Inappropriate picking and flicking.

0:16:240:16:28

-HE SNIFFS

-It's all going in the report.

0:16:280:16:31

Honestly, Mr Reeves, anyone would think you don't care

0:16:310:16:34

if the Megaboss shuts this place down or not.

0:16:340:16:36

Shall we extract the facts?

0:16:360:16:38

"Dear Nana,

0:16:380:16:40

"I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about bogies.

0:16:400:16:44

"We found out that the actress Scarlett Johansson

0:16:440:16:47

"sold her used hanky for charity.

0:16:470:16:49

"The speed of a sneeze can be up to 100 miles an hour,

0:16:490:16:53

"faster than a cheetah runs,

0:16:530:16:54

"and snails save energy by sharing each other's mucus trails."

0:16:540:16:59

Bogies extracted. So, what's next?

0:16:590:17:03

Right, I think we've got time for more curious stuff.

0:17:030:17:07

Frazernagle, anybody on the lines?

0:17:070:17:09

There's a fantastic call coming from line four.

0:17:090:17:12

I'll put you through now.

0:17:120:17:13

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

0:17:130:17:16

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

0:17:160:17:19

-How might I be of support to your study?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

0:17:190:17:23

My name is Theo and I'd like to know some curious stuff about tunnels.

0:17:230:17:28

Thank you, Theo. Thank you, goodbye.

0:17:280:17:31

Theo wants to know some curious stuff about tunnels.

0:17:310:17:35

Curious facts about tunnels. What have we got?

0:17:390:17:42

-Well, I have something here, Mr Reeves.

-Yes.

0:17:420:17:44

Scientists predict that if there was a tunnel

0:17:440:17:46

that went all the way through the middle of the Earth

0:17:460:17:49

and through to Australia, and if you fell down it,

0:17:490:17:52

that it would take you 42 minutes to come out the other end.

0:17:520:17:56

42 minutes, you say?

0:17:560:17:58

Right. OK, now where is it?

0:17:580:18:01

HE MUTTERS

0:18:030:18:04

-What on earth are you looking for, Mr Reeves?

-Ah, this.

0:18:040:18:08

My can of Instant Hole.

0:18:080:18:11

One spray of this and we'll have a tunnel that goes all the way

0:18:110:18:15

through the Earth and out the other side and then, and only then,

0:18:150:18:18

will we know if it takes 42 minutes.

0:18:180:18:20

RUMBLING

0:18:260:18:28

Right. That seems to have done the trick.

0:18:340:18:38

Now all I need is a willing volunteer.

0:18:380:18:40

Length-Width! Ah, Length-Width, there you are.

0:18:400:18:45

I wonder if you'd be so kind as to help me with an experiment?

0:18:450:18:48

-Mr Reeves, I'd love to.

-OK, I'd like you to take this, please.

0:18:480:18:52

OK. Now, waaaaa....!

0:18:520:18:55

HE SCREAMS

0:18:550:18:56

And don't forget to take a note of how long it takes.

0:18:580:19:01

HE SCREAMS

0:19:010:19:03

DIDGERIDOO MUSIC

0:19:120:19:14

42 minutes. Extraordinary.

0:19:140:19:17

What the didgery-dunce is going on here?

0:19:170:19:19

Wait a minute. Captain Length-Width? I thought you were on holiday.

0:19:190:19:23

-Mr Reeves, is that you?

-No, Mick Cleeves, mate.

0:19:230:19:26

Head of the Ministry of Curious Stuff, Australian branch.

0:19:260:19:30

You're not our Captain Length-Width,

0:19:300:19:32

I can tell by the peculiar Dutch accent you've got.

0:19:320:19:34

Wait a minute, let me guess,

0:19:340:19:36

you're a Length-Width from another branch

0:19:360:19:38

and you fell through a hole in the centre of Earth?

0:19:380:19:41

-How did you know?

-It happens more than you'd think, mate.

0:19:410:19:44

Let me introduce you to the rest of the team.

0:19:440:19:46

-Here we've got Beachparty.

-G'day, mate.

0:19:460:19:50

-Hello.

-You've got Likeitt there.

-All right?

0:19:500:19:53

This lovely creature over here is Dingo Sniffer.

0:19:530:19:56

Get back to work, you flaming galahs.

0:19:560:19:58

That's my wife.

0:19:580:20:00

Our Captain Length-Width's away on holiday at Space Camp.

0:20:000:20:03

It's a shame you couldn't meet him the resemblance is uncanny.

0:20:030:20:06

But whilst you're here, why don't you stick around and help out?

0:20:060:20:09

You know, I'd love to but Mr Reeves will be in one of his dirty moods

0:20:090:20:14

and when I get back there, he'll give me the silent treatment, you know.

0:20:140:20:18

It's a shame cos we're looking

0:20:180:20:19

at some really interesting and curious stuff today.

0:20:190:20:23

We're checking out sitting around eating cupcakes

0:20:230:20:26

and stroking some kittens.

0:20:260:20:28

-Well, maybe I could stick around for a little while longer.

-Yeah?

0:20:280:20:31

-ALL:

-The other Length-Width!

0:20:310:20:34

The other Length-Width!

0:20:340:20:37

Don't go mad.

0:20:370:20:38

Length-Width! Length-Width! I've got ham and jam for you!

0:20:380:20:44

Length-Width!

0:20:450:20:47

Oh! Where is he? He can't usually resist me ham and jam.

0:20:470:20:49

Maybe he's being intimidated by an earthworm.

0:20:490:20:52

Maybe I should go down there after him.

0:20:520:20:54

I wouldn't want Head Office to find out

0:20:540:20:55

that you'd been frolicking about in a massive hole.

0:20:550:20:58

That's it. If Length-Width wants to skive off, that's up to him.

0:20:580:21:02

That dude is history.

0:21:020:21:04

Come on, give me some curious tunnel facts.

0:21:040:21:07

Well, Mr Reeves, a tunnel-boring machine, also known as a mole,

0:21:070:21:11

is a machine used to dig tunnels.

0:21:110:21:12

They're pretty darn tough and they can bore through hard rock and sand.

0:21:120:21:17

Right. I think I should talk to one of these tunnel-boring machines.

0:21:170:21:20

One tunnel-boring machine arriving in G1, Mr Reeves.

0:21:200:21:24

Ah, tunnel-boring machine,

0:21:240:21:26

how many miles of tunnel do you think you've personally bored?

0:21:260:21:30

I haven't bored any tunnels,

0:21:300:21:34

I'm just a boring machine.

0:21:340:21:37

Allegedly, I am very, very,

0:21:370:21:43

very, very, very, very...

0:21:430:21:48

OK, goodbye.

0:21:480:21:50

Right. Has anyone got anything curious to say,

0:21:500:21:53

preferably about tunnels?

0:21:530:21:54

Well, this might be interesting, Mr Reeves.

0:21:540:21:57

-What do you know about dark rides?

-Not a lot.

0:21:570:22:00

Well, dark rides are some of the oldest amusement park rides.

0:22:000:22:04

They're often called Tunnel of Love rides.

0:22:040:22:06

-The Tunnel of Love! Sounds exotic.

-I'm pleased you're so enthused.

0:22:060:22:10

I've arranged you a tutorial with dark rides expert Frankie Gibbons

0:22:100:22:15

so you can learn all the facts.

0:22:150:22:17

Yes, well, you see... I'm a very busy man,

0:22:170:22:20

I don't want to go on some boring ride with some bearded know-it-all.

0:22:200:22:26

Look, when he gets here, tell him I'm too busy.

0:22:260:22:29

-TANNOY JINGLE

-Frankie Gibbons loading in X5.

0:22:290:22:32

Hi. I'm Frankie Gibbons.

0:22:370:22:39

I'm here for Mr Reeves.

0:22:390:22:42

I'm gonna take him on a dark ride tour!

0:22:420:22:45

I'm so sorry, Miss Gibbons, change of plan.

0:22:450:22:47

-Mr Reeves was just saying that...

-Whoa! Whoa!

0:22:470:22:50

Whoa! Whoa! Miss Gibbons!

0:22:500:22:53

-But, Mr Reeves, you said...

-Shut it!

0:22:530:22:56

Hello. Vic Reeves. Gemini. Single.

0:22:560:23:00

Likes walks in the park and boil-in-the-bag dinners.

0:23:000:23:03

SHE GIGGLES

0:23:030:23:04

Oh, my! Such a gentleman!

0:23:040:23:08

Let's continue this conversation in the Tunnel of Love.

0:23:080:23:12

THEY GIGGLE

0:23:120:23:14

Tell me more about this lovely, lovely Tunnel of Love.

0:23:160:23:20

Well, dark rides were essentially

0:23:200:23:22

just a boat ride for two through a dark tunnel.

0:23:220:23:25

The rides were either romantic,

0:23:250:23:27

like this Tunnel of Love, or spooky horror rides.

0:23:270:23:32

Ohh! HE LAUGHS

0:23:320:23:34

Well, let's forget about the spooky and concentrate on the romance.

0:23:340:23:40

OK, Mr Reeves.

0:23:400:23:41

Do you like finding out about curious stuff?

0:23:410:23:45

Yes, actually, Miss Gibbons, I do.

0:23:450:23:48

-How much curious stuff do you know?

-A lot.

0:23:480:23:52

-Tell me something.

-Did you know

0:23:520:23:54

that you spend three years of your life on the toilet?

0:23:540:23:58

-More!

-An elephant eats its mother's poo.

0:23:580:24:02

-Oh, Mr Reeves!

-I know, I'm fascinating, aren't I?

0:24:020:24:05

OK. Mmm!

0:24:050:24:08

Surprise!

0:24:120:24:14

Nooooo!

0:24:140:24:16

This cannot be happening to me again!

0:24:160:24:20

Don't ask me how it went, I don't want to talk about it.

0:24:240:24:28

Now give me another tunnel fact, please.

0:24:280:24:30

Well, here's one, Mr Reeves.

0:24:300:24:32

In 2010, a woman in the Netherlands escaped from prison

0:24:320:24:35

and she dug a secret escape tunnel using only a spoon.

0:24:350:24:38

-I know. And she's here today!

-HE LAUGHS

0:24:380:24:43

No! It's happened again!

0:24:450:24:47

Why didn't anyone hide the cutlery?

0:24:470:24:50

Who am I kidding? I'm not bothered about some stupid tunnel.

0:24:500:24:53

It's Length-Width that I miss.

0:24:530:24:55

The ministry is just not the same without him.

0:24:550:24:58

MAMBO MUSIC

0:24:580:25:00

That's enough fun for now, people.

0:25:050:25:07

Big round of applause for the other Captain Length-Width.

0:25:070:25:11

-Hip hop!

-Hooray!

0:25:110:25:12

Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome.

0:25:120:25:16

I wish I could stay here for ever!

0:25:160:25:18

We'd love to have you, mate.

0:25:180:25:19

Wait. Sounds like our Captain Length-Width is back from vacation.

0:25:190:25:23

-Oh!

-You're not gonna believe it, mate, you're like a pair of twins.

0:25:230:25:26

Right, well, show him in.

0:25:260:25:28

Captain Length-Width meet Captain Length-Width.

0:25:280:25:31

-FAIRGROUND MUSIC

-Like looking in a flaming mirror!

0:25:310:25:35

It looks nothing like me! It's a pig!

0:25:350:25:37

-PIG SNORTS

-How dare you!

0:25:370:25:39

It's a pig in a hat!

0:25:390:25:40

Beg your pardon! Captain Length-Width, don't listen to him!

0:25:400:25:45

How could you?!

0:25:450:25:47

-Ministry, boo him!

-ALL BOO

0:25:470:25:52

There's no place like home! There's no place like home!

0:25:520:25:56

There's no place like home!

0:25:560:25:58

There's no place like home! There's no place like home!

0:25:580:26:01

Ha! I'm home!

0:26:010:26:04

Mr Reeves! Is it you?

0:26:040:26:07

Is it really, really you?

0:26:070:26:09

Length-Width! Length-Width! How I've missed you!

0:26:090:26:14

I've missed you and your stupid face!

0:26:140:26:16

Your stupid jowly, wobbly face!

0:26:160:26:19

And I've missed your silly mushy-wushy podgy little face!

0:26:190:26:23

BOTH SOB

0:26:230:26:25

Oh, how touching(!)

0:26:250:26:27

When you've quite finished fiddling with each other's faces.

0:26:270:26:30

It's time for the Final Fact Extraction.

0:26:300:26:33

"Dear Theo, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about tunnels.

0:26:330:26:37

"We found out - "

0:26:370:26:40

And...

0:26:490:26:50

That's curious stuff about tunnels.

0:26:550:26:58

And that is how one extracts the facts!

0:26:580:27:02

-Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

-No, thank you, Mr Reeves.

0:27:020:27:05

My report has been filling up today.

0:27:050:27:08

I can't wait to show the Megaboss this little lot.

0:27:080:27:12

But, I must admit, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts.

0:27:120:27:18

Yes, we have, Miss Bracegirdle.

0:27:180:27:20

And well done to everybody but, I'm afraid, now it's time to go.

0:27:200:27:24

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

0:27:240:27:26

-Thank you, Miss Teaparty.

-And what are you up to tonight?

0:27:260:27:29

Well, tonight, I thought I'd go and have a make-over with the girls.

0:27:290:27:32

I mean, I-I-I'm going to take over another world!

0:27:320:27:37

Yes. Bye.

0:27:370:27:40

ALL: Goodnight, Mr Reeves.

0:27:400:27:42

-Goodbye, everybody!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves!

0:27:450:27:47

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:550:27:58

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS