Episode 7 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

RINGING

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

we explore any subject you desire

and deliver top quality curious facts.

CHATTER

On hand, our dedicated team - Lovett, Teaparty,

Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls

and of course, Captain Length-Width.

That's Miss Bracegirdle.

She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

and compile a report.

If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the Ministry down.

Let's not dilly-dally. There's lots to do.

Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-Good morning, everybody.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines?

-Er, well, the world's best-known word is "okay".

-Okay.

Only 12 people have walked on the moon.

And your doctor has sent you this

and says it should clear up your secret rash right away.

Thank you, Miss Teaparty!

Particularly for keeping my highly secret rash a secret.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

-Ooh! Er, Length-Width.

-Yes?

-What are these two eggs doing here?

-They're my eggs.

-What, did you lay them?

-Yes, I laid them last night.

-What?

-Yes, I laid them last night.

So are there two little Length-Widths in there?

Yes, there'll be two Length-Widths hatching at about six this evening.

So we'll have two little Length-Widths running around?

Yeah, I came up with a scheme to make the Ministry some money.

-Yeah?

-I need two little Length-Widths

for my dolls' house removal firm

and they're going to drive my truck.

-Young Businessman of the Year!

-Thank you.

-I'm like a little Alan Sugar.

-Aren't you?

-Yes.

Oh! "You're fired!" No, you're not.

Mr Reeves! Do you realise the working day has begun

and we are all waiting for you?

-Shall we get on with it?

-Yes, Miss Bracegirdle.

BELL TINGS

-Mr Frazernagle, good morning!

-PHONE RINGING

Oh, morning, Mr Reeves.

Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

There's one very pungent caller coming through on line four.

-PHONE RINGING

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of support in your monumental quest?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Monet.

I want to know some curious stuff about the sense of smell.

Thank you very much, Monet.

Monet would like to know some stuff about the sense of smell.

Come on, let's get to it.

Okay, what curious facts have we got about the sense of smell?

Well, Mr Reeves, scientists have found you don't smell with your nose

but you smell with your brain.

Mm, and everyone has their very own unique smell.

Really? Well, let's put that to the test.

HE SNIFFS

-Ooh! Gone-off yoghurt!

-Correct!

Right, come on. THEY SNIFF

Bracegirdle, what's that scent?

-Of sadness?

-Scaffold pipe?

Oh, yes, I think I'm getting that.

I think it's the scent of get back to work!

-Length-Width?

-Yes.

-Have you smelt anything good recently?

Oh, don't talk to me about smelling stuff.

I am sick of it. My nose doesn't get a minute's rest, you know?

It's always, "Smell this, smell that.

"Last one to smell that's an idiot."

Do you what would be good? If there was a kind of robot stroke machine

that did all your smelling for you.

Yes, that's what I've been campaigning for, Reeves,

-but it won't happen in my lifetime.

-It's never going to happen.

Well, actually, NASA have created ENose,

which is short for Electronic Nose Device.

-Really?

-Yes, ENose is very sensitive.

It can pick up the tiniest of whiffs

and is used to detect life-threatening odours

long before they reach the astronauts' nostrils.

I'd like to see this amazingly curious machine in operation.

-Wouldn't you?

-Yes.

-Miss Wannamaker!

-NASA specialist in E11.

Hello. NASA specialist Ken Millet.

World's smallest NASA specialist.

That's right. Now, Ken, do you mind if I have a go

on your high-tech NASA communication device?

I need to get in touch with the Space Station.

-Be my guest.

-Thank you.

Here we go. Ah, now, Ken, you know everything about space, right?

Yep, that's why I'm a NASA specialist.

There's a question I've always wanted to know the answer to.

How many stars are there in the universe?

Stars. Erm...

Seven.

Seven stars? I thought there were more than that.

Nope, there's definitely seven. They just move around a lot.

Lucky I spoke to you or I'd have made a proper idiot of myself.

Yeah!

-A-ha!

-ELECTRONIC WHINING

Hello! Am I through to hot-shot astronaut

on board the International Space Station?

Hello, Vic Reeves from the television.

Hearing you loud and clear up here in outer space.

-And is that ENose next to you?

-That's right.

ENose is a fantastic piece of NASA technology

that has no doubt saved many astronauts' lives.

Its amazing sense of smell can detect the faintest traces

of dangerous gas.

Talking of dangerous gases, he keeps letting one go.

Silent but deadly.

Poo! What a stink. VIC LAUGHS

-It wasn't me.

-I want to crack open a window in here.

It smells like a boiled egg.

Ow.

Well, thank you, ENose,

a lovely robot with a brilliant sense of smell.

-What do you think, Ken?

-Not bad.

-See you.

-Laters.

Oh, nice of you to join us.

Did you know, similar to ENose's powers,

bears are thought to have the best sense of smell

of any animal on earth?

It's been suggested it could be up to 2,000 times better

than any human's.

Well, very impressive but what I want to know is who's the best,

a bear or a robot?

It's time for Smell That Star.

CHEESY THEME TUNE

AUDIENCE CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to Smell That Star,

the show where we invite you to guess the name of the celebrity

hidden within the box, simply by using the gift of the sniff.

And let's meet tonight's contestants.

Here, all the way from outer space, it's ENose...

-APPLAUSE

-..the odour-detecting NASA robot.

-How do you do?

-Good evening.

-Good.

And over here it's Warren Peters, a bear from the woods...

-ROARING

-..who works part-time in the biscuit factory

on the ring road just outside Northampton.

-Hello, Warren.

-HE GROWLS

Do you know what? I think he's got a point.

OK, if you'd like to now approach the sniffing area

you have 30 seconds to... sniff that star!

-TENSE MUSIC

-Okay, sniff away.

Some good sniffing going on already. A great start, there.

I'm getting almonds and a faint whiff of liquorice.

-Is it Amanda Holden?

-Is it Amanda Holden?

-WRONG ANSWER NOISE

-I'm sorry, it's not Amanda Holden.

-Warren, have you got any ideas?

-HE GROWLS

Warren thinks it might be Justin Bieber. Is Bieber in the box?

-WRONG ANSWER NOISE

-It's not Bieber.

You haven't got much time left.

Wait. Chopped onions and vinegar.

Furniture polish. Is it Lady Gaga?

Is it Lady Gaga? Let's find out.

-FANFARE

-Yes! You're quite right.

ENose, well done, it is Lady Gaga and to prove it...

-there she is.

-APPLAUSE

Lady Gaga!

-Er, Mr Reeves?

-Yes?

I think you'll find that that's not actually

quality factual information,

thus it will be going in the report.

Come on, then. Miss Teaparty, any more curiously stinky facts?

Er, well, ambergris or whale vomit is a key ingredient

found in some perfumes and aftershaves.

No! Are you telling me that there's whale sick

in my Growl For Men?

I need to investigate this further. Back in a jiffy.

-Hello, Vic.

-Ken.

TRUMPETING

Oh, hello, sir. My name is Grace.

Vic Reeves, Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Oh, you'll have to speak to my supervisor, Vince.

Vince!

How may I be of assistance today, madam?

-Ministry of Curious Stuff.

-Ah.

Is it true you've been using whale sick

-in your perfumes and aftershaves?

-Indeed it is, sir.

Ambergris or whale vomit has been used in perfumes for years.

It makes the scent of the perfume last longer.

-Would you use it?

-Don't be daft! I'm a whale!

It's whale sick! It's disgusting. Makes me want to vomit.

Interesting.

Gives me an idea.

Thanks for your time, sir.

A gift for you, Miss Bracegirdle.

-Are you floating?

-Yeah, it's mad, isn't it?

Thank you, Mr Reeves. You shouldn't have.

No, you shouldn't have!

It's amber...

-It's the latest pong.

-Oh! Well, let's have a smell.

Ooh! It's actually rather nice.

-Yes, it's whale sick.

-What? Whale sick?

He said it's well sick, you know, like the young people say.

-It's well good, you know.

-SHE SIMPERS

Well, thank you, Mr Reeves.

But be warned, I don't take bribes.

Now float off.

OK.

While I extract the facts.

Dear Monet, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff

about the sense of smell.

We learnt that...

And...

So that's the sense of smell. What's next?

Master Frazernagle, have we got anyone on the lines?

Oh, Mr Reeves, I've got a great call on line two.

I'll put you through at the speed of light.

-PHONE RINGING

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of hindrance to your probing question?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Ed

and I want to know some curious stuff about cats.

Thanks, Ed. I'll do my best. Cheers. Bye.

Ed wants to know some curious facts about cats.

Cats? I'll tell you something about cats.

The very word makes me break out in hives!

-Must we?

-Of course we must. This is the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

We must explore all avenues.

DARTH VADER BREATHING

As you wish.

I've got a cat at home, a big cat, one of the biggest of the big cats.

-Lion!

-No, I'm telling the truth.

Oh, all right. What does it look like, this cat?

Oh, well, it's big, grey, big ears, long nose,

a fez and a kind of castle on its back.

-What does it eat?

-A skip full of peanuts a day.

Now, listen, listen, listen to me. Listen.

I'm no Einstein but it sounds like you've bought an elephant.

You're not the first person to have said that.

And I won't be the last.

Right, come on, then - cats. Let's have some facts.

OK, what have we found out

-about c...

-Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.

-Length-Width...

-Here, puss, puss...

What in the name of Michael Buble are you doing?

Well, all this feline talk has reminded me

-it's time to feed the Ministry cat.

-Ah! Right.

-Hang on, we haven't got a cat.

-Yes, we have.

-Adele, the Ministry cat.

-Adele, the Ministry cat?

Has anyone else heard of Adele the Ministry cat?

Here, puss, puss, puss, puss. MIAOWING

Ah, there you are. Now listen, puss.

Unfortunately we've run out of cappuccino,

so it's going to have to be a saucer of milk this time.

I hope that's all right. What's that?

You'd like to borrow £20 to top up your mobile phone?

Of course you can.

Here you go. I've got it in my purse for you.

Stay in touch!

Miss Teaparty, is it me or is there something really suspicious

about Adele?

-Mm...

-Can we just get on with it, Mr Reeves?

It's making my eyes water.

Well, there is this fact here about a cat called Sergeant Podge.

He has his own chauffeur.

The cat wanders off every night and sits on the kerb two miles away

and waits for his owner to come and pick him up.

Yes, she picks him up on the way home from the school run

and when she's on holiday, her neighbour does the cat run for her.

Mm. I'd like to meet this cat.

The owner must be a proper soft touch.

-Imagine being bossed about by a cat!

-DOORBELL CHIMES

Sergeant Podge coming from X5, Mr Reeves!

HE CHUCKLES

Here, Sergeant Podge. Come on, General Lala.

Time for din-dins,

Major I-Need-A-Lift- Cos-I-Can't-Be-Bothered-To-Walk.

HE CHORTLES

How dare you address me in such a manner, Reeves!

I will not stand for such insubordination.

The name is Sergeant Podge! Do you understand?

-Er, yes.

-Yes what??!

Yes, sir, Sergeant, sir.

-That's better. Now get down and give me 20!

-Yes, sir!

Hut! Hut! Hut!

Look at the state of you!

You are out of shape, you miserable flapjack.

-What are you, Reeves?

-A miserable...

What? I can't hear you!

I'm a great quivering pilchard, sir.

Darn right you are and don't you forget it!

Now, if you don't mind, my troops and I have to invade a fishmonger's

and liberate some sardines! Ha, ha!

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut...

LENGTH-WIDTH LAUGHS You must feel silly, Mr Reeves,

being bossed about by cat.

Hello, Adele, listen,

I've washed and ironed your clothes how you like them.

Now I'm going to go and clean your car, okay?

Hmm. Right, let's have some more cat facts, please.

Well, Mr Reeves, with Sergeant Podge being chauffeured around

he could probably enter the Most Pampered Cat Competition.

Mm, fascinating. But how would he get there?

Well, Mr Reeves, why not go by Pet Airways?

Pet Airways. Or even better, C-C-C-Cats Airways.

PUNKY MUSIC

# C-C-C-Cats Airways C-C-C-Cats Airways

# No time to delay It's C-Cats Airways

# C-C-C-Cats Airways C-C-C-Cats Airways

# No time to delay It's the Cats Airways

# The cats are boarding And sipping on hot milk

# And dining on grouse meat And flamingo juice

# The physics of this flight Are ever so feline

# Muffs and string balls And duty-free scratch polls

# Cats Airways C-C-C-Cats Airways

# No time to delay It's C-Cats Airways

# The flight leaves at dusk The cats are seated

# The hostess is human But the pilots are tabby

# Cats Airways C-C-C-Cats Airways

# Cats Airways! #

Where's he off to now? This is no time for a holiday, Mr Reeves.

The Megaboss isn't going to like this, not one little bit.

HORSE WHINNIES

Oh, hello, sir. How may I help you?

Vic Reeves, Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Could you tell me about Pet Airways?

Well, Pet Airways is an American company

that specialises exclusively in the air transportation of pets.

-And do you get many cats flying with you?

-Yes, we do.

In fact, we've got a very famous cat flying with us today,

Creampuff, from Texas,

the oldest recorded cat at 38 years and three days.

-YOWLING

-Arrgh!

Careful with her. She's a grizzly old thing. She'll go for you.

-So, sir, where will you be staying?

-I don't know.

Well, might I recommend the cat motel in Hertfordshire?

It offers guests a wrought-iron bed, themed decoration

and jazz music played on a £5,000 stereo system.

-Ooh!

-How about that?

-Well, do cats like jazz?

Well, that one certainly does.

COOL TUNE

-Groovy.

-Out of my way!

-Look out, this is one seriously spoilt cat.

What do you call this?

I'm sorry, is there a problem here?

Hello, hi, hi, hi. I'm Annie Stock, Willow's agent.

We just bought this in one of your airport restaurants

but Willow will only drink water that's at room temperature.

This - too warm,

so if both of you could chill it, that would be great.

-Willow would really appreciate that.

-I want my fish.

I had a fish. I want it.

You, stupid-looking bald cat, bring me that fish to my face now!

-Get it yourself!

-Mr Reeves! EVERYONE GASPS

Big, pampered twerp! I can't believe they chucked me out.

Well, Mr Reeves, cats are very manipulative.

Research suggests they can alter the frequency of their purr

to a tone similar to that of a baby crying.

Right, well, talking of manipulation...

-CAT PURRING

-Get me a hot dog! I want a hot dog.

Length-Width, get away from that cat.

Ah, now, Adele said you'd try this.

He said you'd be jealous of us

just because we're supercool BFFs.

Right, well, I'll show you who your BFF really is.

Huh! What are you doing to my cat?

Your BFF is in fact Bob Pod...

EVERYONE GASPS

..who recently escaped from a prison for evil puppeteers.

Stop him before he gets into the air ducts.

I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Mr Reeves. I feel so foolish.

Oh, no need to apologise, Length-Width.

I'm docking you a year's wages, that should cover it.

Fair enough.

I wasn't aware he was being paid.

I think we'd better extract the facts.

Dear Ed, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about cats.

We found:

Ooh!

Curious cat facts extracted, so what's next?

Oh, Mr Frazernagle, any calls on the switchboard?

I have a splendid call coming through on line three.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of furtherance in your enquiry?

Hello, Mr Reeves, my name is Maia

and I'd like to know some curious stuff about memory.

Thank you very much, Maia. Thank you for your enquiry. Goodbye.

Maia wants to know any curious stuff about memory.

Come on, let's get to it.

-Er, Length-Width?

-Mm?

-How far back can you remember?

-Oh, about two and a half feet.

-Mm...

How far back can you remember, Reeves?

Actually, a lot further than that. About three or four foot.

-Mm.

-How far can you remember into the future?

HE TUTS

-You don't remember into the future.

-I think you'll find that you do.

-Really?

-Yes. Let me think about one of my favourite future memories.

Mm... Ah, yes, I remember the time

-when I walked up to you, Length-Width...

-Yes?

..and gave you an absolutely phenomenal nose twirdle.

CREAKING

POP!

Don't be ridiculous. That's not remembering something,

that's just doing it.

Right, come on, any curious stuff about memory?

I have some information here about a male chimp called Ayumu.

His memory is so good he can remember the location and order

of a set of numbers in less time than it takes a human to blink.

Why, with that kind of talent, he could drive a taxi!

You know, you're lucky you got me today, mate.

I know this area like the back of my hand.

You know that baker's just by the bus stop?

That used to be a chemist. HE GIBBERS

You know that shoe shop? That used to be a butcher's.

And you know that post office?

That used to be a similar-sized post office.

Oh, you've just missed my stop.

Can I get out, please?

Ooh, bit of a problem there, mate. I'm a chimpanzee.

I've only got short legs, I can't reach the brakes.

To be honest, I'm very surprised they gave me a driving licence at all.

HE SCREECHES

Right, I think that's clear

that chimps are probably not the best taxi drivers.

Any more curious facts on memory?

Well, Mr Reeves, have you heard

that fish only have three-second memories?

Yeah. Who doesn't know that?

Yeah, fish having only three-second memories is so last year, man.

-Yeah, come on, that's yesterday's news.

-Really?

Well, you're both wrong!

Researchers in Australia have proved that this is actually a myth.

Fish have pretty good memories.

They can remember such things as predators and prey types

for several months.

Well, if that's the case, then I'm afraid I owe fishkind an apology.

Could you arrange a meeting for me with Ian Badminton,

the senior spokesman of the Fish Party?

-DOORBELL

-Ian Badminton, spokesperson for fish,

arriving through X5, Mr Reeves.

Ah! Ian Badminton, may I apologise on behalf of all of the human race

for spreading rumours that fish only have three-second memories.

No need to apologise at all.

Water under the bridge.

We're just glad it finally got cleared up.

Hopefully now people will start inviting us to quiz nights!

Must be a very important day for fish, though.

-Why's that?

-Because, you know, the rumours have been proven wrong.

-What rumours?

-That you've got a three-second memory.

-I've got a three-second memory?

-No, you haven't.

-Haven't what?

Got a three-second memory!

Hello, nice to meet you. My name is...

Oh, actually, I haven't got a clue.

-It's Ian Badminton.

-Where?

Oh! Thank you, Ian Badminton, senior spokesman for fish.

What's a fish?

-What a mess.

-Well, I've learnt something today.

Fish don't have three-second memories, apart from Ian Badminton.

Give me some curious facts on memory, please.

Er, well, Mr Reeves, the saying "an elephant never forgets"

might be true.

Because when Jenny and Shirley were introduced

at an elephant sanctuary in Tennessee,

they both became animated and bellowed their trunks.

Er, yes, it turned out they performed in a circus together

23 years ago.

Ah! What a wonderful story

-and here to tell us more about it...

-DOORBELL

TRUMPETING

Lady elephants loading in the Ministry, Mr Reeves.

Get out of my face!

Get out of my face!

-Come over here and say that!

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Giving it all that, that's what you are, mate, yeah.

-Still the same, Jenny. I never liked you.

-I never liked you!

Well, you just knew, didn't you, that I liked Jeremy Salmon at school

but you had to ask him out first.

He didn't like you cos of your big ears.

Big ears? You can talk, Big Nose!

-Say that again!

-Big Nose!

Right, car park, five minutes!

Oh, make it three.

-Make it one, darling.

-Fine by me.

Big Nose!

Well, I'm sure they've got a lot to catch up on.

And so do we, Mr Reeves,

so do we.

It's time to extract the facts.

-Hello, I'm Ian Badminton.

-Arrgh!

Dear Maia, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about Memory.

We found:

..actually.

And that's curious stuff about memory.

And that is what you call fact extraction.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you, Mr Reeves,

for there has been a lot more pointless horsing around

to put in my little reporty today.

But I must admit, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts.

Yes, we have. Well done, everybody, well done indeed.

But now, I'm afraid, it's time to go.

Er, don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

-Of course, Miss Teaparty.

-What will you be up to tonight?

Well, Miss Teaparty, tonight I'm going to make some fairy cakes.

I mean, hairy cakes! I'm going to make some hairy cakes.

Hairy, man cakes, men cakes.

Cakes for men to eat!

Quite right.

-Goodbye, everybody.

-Bye, Mr Reeves.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd