Episode 8 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff we explore any subject you

desire and deliver top-quality curious finds.

THEY CHATTER

On hand, our dedicated team. Lovett. Teaparty.

Frazernagle on the calls. Wannamaker in the walls.

And of course, Captain Length-Width.

That's Miss Bracegirdle.

She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

and compile a report.

If we fail to impress, they will shut the Ministry down.

Let's not dilly dally, there's lots to do.

Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Good morning, everybody.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Morning, Mr Reeves.

Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Good morning, Miss Teaparty, and what are the headlines?

Well, Mr Reeves, the average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Zips were named after the sound that they make and it's really,

-really hard to lick your elbow.

-Really?

Well I'd like to put that to the test.

Length-Width...

-So, what does it taste of?

-Marmalade.

-And?

-Tweed.

-And?

-Strawberry.

-And?

-Cotton.

-And?

-And something I can't quite put my finger on.

-Well go on then.

-Oh.

-Yes.

Tick tock, tick tock, Mr Reeves.

Time is ticking and if you don't get to work soon it will be

going in the report.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle. OK.

Good morning, Mr Frazernagle.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

There's a great caller on line two. Putting you through, Mr Reeves.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of helpfulness in this debate?

Hello, Mr Reeves, my name is Sarah.

-And I'd like to know some curious stuff about trees.

-Oh, hello, Sarah.

I shall do my utmost. Thank you. Goodbye.

Sarah would like to know some curious facts about trees.

OK, so tell me what curious stuff we found out about trees.

The average tree can provide enough wood

for approximately 9,360 pencils.

That's a lot of pencils.

-But where would you keep them?

-Well, they're around here somewhere.

And I'm sure I saw then the other day.

I can't remember exactly where I saw them.

-There they are.

-Tiddly tut tut tut. Another tree fact, please.

Willow trees, when they are eaten and infested with caterpillars

and fungi, they emit a chemical signal which alerts

nearby willow trees to the danger.

Mmm. Extraordinary. Ah, now then.

Length-Width here emits a kind of strange noise to warn

-others of danger. Don't you?

-That's correct.

-What does it sound like?

-Well, allow me to demonstrate.

-I wish you would.

-I will.

TRUMPETING SOUND

-All right, guys, false alarm, stand down. Just a drill.

-Yeah...

You'll know when it's for real.

Yeah, we use it to warn each other, you know,

about traffic jams, weather warnings,

or simply to inform each other about really good

deals down at the supermarket.

I can see why that's so important.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't want to miss out, would you?

Of course you wouldn't. Right, any more tree facts then, please?

Well, Mr Reeves,

there is the mesquite tree known as a tree of life which has

survived 400 years in the middle of the Bahrain desert without any

source of water, how it survives, it's a complete mystery to me.

That tree sounds like a kind of rock-hard hard as nails type

tree and I want to meet him.

Won't be too long.

Hello, Vic!

-Ken! You're so mysterious!

-Yeah, I know.

DONKEY BRAYS

Hello, Tree Of Life.

If you don't mind, I now go by the name of Super Hard Action Tree.

Ooh, all right then. Super Hard Action Tree.

-So you've been stood out here for 400 years?

-Well, what can I say?

I'm as hard as nails. I get tougher just by breathing. Watch...

See?

I'm a little bit harder!

THEY GROWL

So, you've been out here for all that time without a drop of water?

That's right. I've lasted so long without water I can't even remember

-what it tastes like. I haven't...

-Sorry about the wait.

That's an extra-large iced mocha-choca-chino with cinnamon.

Ah, yes, you literally couldn't have come at a worse time.

An iced choca-mocha-chino with cinnamon?

Yeah, I work at the coffee shop round the corner.

Super Hard Action Tree's one of our best customers.

You've got no right to call yourself a Super Hard Action Tree.

Well, I'd like to see you try it. I don't even like coffee.

-I hate the taste.

-Right, well I'll take that, thank you.

Oh, no, don't go yet. Please. It gets lonely out here.

-Quick to take a break, Mr Reeves.

-I am doing research.

Oh, drinking an iced choca-mocha-chino?

I'm not drinking anything at all.

I'm watching you, Mr Reeves.

-More tree facts please, Miss Teaparty.

-Yes, Mr Reeves.

Did you know there were people who made clothing out of bark

and it was thought to have originated in southern China.

Yes, Teaparty's right, Mr Reeves.

Research suggests it was seen as fashionable.

-Those that wore it were viewed as wealthy.

-Ah-ha.

Whaddaya think of these, eh?

Check out the grain!

WOODPECKER TAPS

Oh, oh!

Everything all right, Mr Reeves?

-I think there's a woodpecker in my trousers.

-Don't worry.

-I'll sort this out. I'll just get my axe.

-No, no, what else have you got?

-I've got a giant crab and a giant toad.

-The crab, get the crab.

-Put the crab in.

-All right.

-Argh! It pecks!

Come on, Carlton.

-Quickly.

-It nips...and pecks!

What else have you got? The crab's not chasing the woodpecker.

-Hang on, I'll get the giant toad.

-OK. Be quick!

-Be quick, my darling.

-Come on, Kevin.

-Put the toad in.

-Argh, oh-ho! It licks!

-But is it getting the woodpecker?

-No! It's not!

Right, that's it. I'm going in.

You can't. I won't let you. You may never come back.

If I don't come back then you tell my mother I was a hero.

I'm going in those trousers to combat the crab and the toad

and the woodpecker.

-If you're going in there, I'm going in there with you.

-OK, so be it.

Mr Reeves, why don't you just take the trousers off?

-That could work as well.

-Mmmm.

Right, that's going in my report.

What Ministry rule did we break then?

None, it's just downright weird.

Now I think it's best if we try and extract some facts.

Dear Sarah,

I'm delighted to enclosed some curious stuff about trees.

We found out that...

So that's curious trees, what's next?

Mr Frazernagle, any calls on the switchboard, please?

-Call coming through on line one. Putting you through.

-Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of profit in your pursuit?

Hello, Mr Reeves, my name is Joshua

and I'd like to know some curious stuff about shoes.

Thank you very much, Joshua, good day.

Joshua wants to know all about shoes.

What curious facts have we got about shoes?

-Length-Width, do you have shoes?

-Shoes, shoes, yes.

-How many pairs?

-Two and a half pairs of shoes.

How can you have two and a half pairs of shoes?

Well, I have one pair for the week, one pair for the weekend and then

I have a spare shoe just in case my leg blows off in a high wind.

-You're a shrewd and clever man.

-Thank you.

What curious facts have we got about shoes?

Ah, well, Mr Reeves, there's a company that creates grass shoes

-for those who like to walk on grass all day.

-Hmmm.

I don't like walking on grass. In fact, I hate it.

It makes me want to puke. But do you know what I do like walking on?

Bacon. I love walking on bacon.

So I'm going to design a bacon shoe.

Right now...bacon.

Now you're jealous.

Ah-ha. Bacony shoes.

I'm going to be the envy of everybody at the kite flying club.

Ah, oh, that's so good. Oh, that's nice.

Oh, oh, I'm just going to take a stroll and break these babies in.

Mmmm, bacon.

Hoo-hoo. Ooh? Urgh.

DOGS GROWL AND BARK

-Mr Reeves, what on earth happened to your shoes?

-A dog ate them.

My mum is going to kill me, they were my best pair.

Well, Mr Reeves,

here's some footwear that could stand up to a bit of chewing.

For centuries, Amazonian Indians made boots from latex

they collected from rubber trees.

They'd stand in the liquid latex and then let it dry.

Yeah, you can see the rubber.

And funnily enough, Captain Length-Width has had his feet

in a couple of buckets of latex.

Come on. Let's have a look at your Amazonian gumboots.

What's all this then?

Yes, I think I may have left them in there for a tad too long.

-Yeah, how long have you had them in there?

-About three weeks.

Yeah, I think a couple of hours would have sufficed.

Yes, yes, I think that's where I've gone wrong.

-Do you mind giving me a hand to get them off?

-Can do. Let's have a look.

Ah, yes. I think I can see the problem.

-Just lift them up there.

-Have you got some purchase?

-Yeah, I've got purchase.

-Right, pull.

-That's it. I'm pulling.

Heave ho.

Ah! And there we are. Not a lot of difference really, is there?

-Not really, No. But thanks for trying.

-It's a pleasure.

-Ta-ta.

Right, more facts on shoes please.

The Palau islanders of the Pacific squeeze sea cucumbers

to get out the rubbery threads the creatures usually use to

defend themselves.

However the islanders use these rubbery strings to

protect their feet when they're walking on the reefs.

A sea cucumber, I've got one of those around here somewhere.

Now where is it? Ah. There we are. OK.

So I just squeeze it and it expels its rubbery string?

-Oh, it's a tough one this.

-What are you doing?

-Pardon?

-I said, what are you doing?

-I'm squeezing you.

Well don't, it hurts.

But I want to see all the stuff that comes out of a sea cucumber

-when you squeeze it.

-Well, that's your main problem.

I'm not a sea cucumber. I'm just a cucumber. I don't live in the sea.

I live in salads.

I'm sorry. There.

That was a bit awkward.

Moving on, Mr Reeves.

OK, what else do we know about shoes?

Well, Mr Reeves, we know this.

When the great ballerina Marie Taglioni made her final appearance

in 1842, a group of her admirers bought a pair of her shoes

and it says here that they cooked them and ate them

with a special sauce.

-Mmmm.

-Mr Reeves, what are you doing?

-What does it look like?

I'm eating shoes. All that talk's made me starving.

You cannot eat shoes, it is very, very bad for you.

It's all right. These are from the Lady Gaga ready meal range.

Lady Gaga in Z32, Mr Reeves.

-Hello Victor.

-Hi, Lady Gaga.

-How are you?

-I'm good.

-Do you want to see the new Lady Gaga ready meal range?

-I sure do.

First up stiletto and Stilton.

-For all you disco kings and queens out there.

-Second of all.

-Southern fried flipflop for all you beach bums out there.

-Makes sense.

And last but by no means least, clog and coriander.

-Not just for the Dutch.

-That's got to smart in the morning.

-Lady Gaga?

-Hey, little monster.

-Hello, sweet pea.

-Listen, what about this one?

-That's a shoe from lost property, honey.

And yet, do you know,

-it's probably one of the best things I've ever tasted in all my life.

-OK.

That gives me a curious idea.

# I'm just cooking up shoes

# Just cooking up shoes

# Sandals and slingbacks Just cooking up shoes

# Add a little salt and a little bit of pepper

# A little bit of parsley will make them taste better

# Cooking up shoes

# Cooking up shoes Just cooking up a shoes

# Boil and bake them nice and fragrant

# Add a little bacon this leather is patent

# Just cooking up shoes Just cooking up shoes

# Cooking up shoes. #

Cooking.

Mr Reeves!

Not only have you wasted ministry time

by having a tuneless warble during working hours,

but you have ruined my shoes!

Ha-ha! Will you be putting that in your report?

THEY LAUGH

Ha-ha(!) Might I remind you, Mr Reeves -

I am here to help the Megaboss decide whether this ministry

should stay open or be closed down!

I suggest you get on with some work. Now!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, blah, blah.

Give us another shoe fact.

Well, the footprints left by the Apollo astronauts

are still visible on the moon after 40 years.

Yes, the tracks are still there because there's no wind on the moon.

However, in the future, the tracks might be disturbed

by meteor showers or something, but failing that,

scientists think they should be there for at least another million years.

I'm going to take a look at that on the ministry telescope.

Ah, yes.

And there she is - the moon, in all her glory.

And there's the footprint. Yes, and...

Hang on - what's this?

A gorilla dancing with an astronaut?

-Who's leading?

-I don't know.

The gorilla, I think.

BOTH: Naturally.

Length-Width, would you care to...?

Mr Reeves, I'd love to.

Then let us.

MUSIC PLAYS

-MUSIC STOPS

-Right, that's enough of that.

If you want to dance, do it on your own time.

What do you think this is, Strictly Come Dancing?

-THEY START TO SPEAK

-No.

It's time to extract the facts.

Dear Joshua, I'm delighted to enclose

some curious stuff about shoes. We found out that...

Shoe facts extracted, so what's next?

Mr Frazernagle, calls on the switchboard I hope?

I've got a great call on line two.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of resource in this forthcoming matter?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Zach

and I'd like to know some curious stuff about teenagers.

Oh-ho-ho, thank you, Zach.

Goodbye.

Zach wants to know about teenagers.

Teenagers. Give me strength.

We were all teenagers once.

-Speak for yourself.

-Were you a good teenager, Mr Reeves?

-I was a very bad boy, actually.

-What sort of things did you do?

-Pulling ponytails.

-Did you enjoy it?

I enjoyed it, but the ponies didn't.

THEY LAUGH

Get on with it!

Right, curious facts on teenagers, please.

I've got one here, Mr Reeves, about a certain Alexander the Great.

Now, he was a teenager with immense responsibility.

His father left him to rule the whole of Macedonia.

Oh, yes. During this time, rebels within his empire attacked.

Alexander and his army defeated them

and he renamed the conquered city after himself -

Alexandroupolis - and all this by the time he was just 16.

Well, he sounds like a very determined young man.

-I'd like to meet him.

-Alexander the Great arriving in X5.

Ha-ha! Hello. Would you and your little friend care for some squash?

A choccy biccy?

Don't talk to me like we's a pair of Cbeebies.

Alex the Great will not tolerate this kind of disrespect, you get me?

And she ain't my little friend.

She's Laquesha, my second in command.

Ain't that right, Laquesha?

Straight up. L to the A to the Quesha.

I wanted to talk to you about how you became

the head of the Macedonian army aged 16.

You must have been such a brave and clever little lad.

You know what, Granddad?

-Playtime is over. Boom!

-Boom!

Ah, right. OK then.

Well, boom - I just conquered the street where you live.

You can't conquer the houses on the street where we live

-with our mums and dads and that.

-Yeah? You want to bet?

You are within the confines of the Ministry of Curious Stuff

and I can find out anything. Miss Teaparty?

Thank you.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! You are not even called Laquesha!

Your name is Glenda Parsnip.

Consider yourselves well and truly conquered.

-Ba-boom!

-Shame.

You can't conquer me. I'm Xander the Great.

I'll conquer your... I'll conquer something, yeah?

-Bruv, bruv, bruv. Come, come, come.

-All right, geez.

THEY WHISPER

Tight. Touch, touch, touch, touch.

Listen, bruv - I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, there.

I didn't realise that you was tight with my boy here.

Bygones, yeah?

HONK

Is it?

-See you at nature club.

-Yeah, big time, innit?

-Bye, Laquesha.

-Bye.

-Let's roll.

-Yeah.

Pull your trousers up.

-Nature club?

-Yeah, I've got my secrets, innit?

You don't own me, fool.

I knew this day would come sooner or later. Our kid's growing up.

In fact, it's Captain Length-Width's 13th birthday today,

so we should see him turning into a teenager any second...

QUACK

I'm not sure whether that was it or not.

Give me some curious facts about teenagers.

Well, Mr Reeves, according to a study from 2008,

98% of teenagers lie to their parents.

-Do you lie?

-No.

-Was that a lie?

-No.

-What's your name?

-Justin Bieber.

-THE Justin Bieber?

-Yes.

What's that?

It's an octopus.

Yeah, I just can't tell. We'll have to put that down as a "don't know".

Give me another interesting fact about teenagers.

One study found that the real reason for a moody eye-rolling

is because the part of the brain that deals with reason

hasn't fully developed yet in teenagers.

In the two minutes since Captain Length-Width became a teenager,

his eyes haven't stopped rolling at everything I've said.

Don't think I can't see you rolling your eyes!

-What happened to you, Length-Width?

-This is not fair!

Why is it always my fault?!

SNORES

Length-Width? Length-Width? Length-Width? Length-Width?

Length-Width? Do know what?

Since he's turned into a teenager, I don't understand him any more.

Well, Mr Reeves, teenagers will have odd sleeping patterns.

This is because of the hormone, melatonin, which makes us sleepy.

Now, in adults, melatonin is released in the early evening.

But in teenagers it's released closer to around 1am,

so they're more likely to sleep late into the day.

Do you know what?

I've always wondered what Captain Length-Width dreams about.

Hang on a minute, where's that dream receiver I got in the catalogue?

There it is, there. Right...

Let's see what he dreams about, shall we?

I think you'll find that horses are better than kettles.

Not if you want a cup of tea!

Well, you can't ride a kettle to market, can you?

-You can't boil a horse.

-And horses have faces.

-All you've got is a spout.

-I could paint a face.

-Never!

What a really strange dream.

Hang on a minute, that actually happened to me at the weekend.

Which reminds me, I must call that cupcake.

I don't wish to hear about your personal life, Mr Reeves.

Let's get back to business.

Listen to this curious teenage fact, Mr Reeves.

Justin Bieber is the richest teen in show business,

having made an astounding 53 million in 2012 alone.

Justin, reportedly, spends 1,400 a month on haircuts.

Ooh! Do you know what would be my biggest dream come true,

-if I could only meet Justin Bieber?

-DOORBELL RINGS

Apparently Justin Bieber has just arrived in G1!

HE SCREAMS

Well, send him in then.

SCREAMING

All right don't do it, OK? Are you hearing me?

Do it or don't do it, because frankly, I couldn't care less.

Oh, hey - you're not Justin Bieber.

Hello, hello how you? I'm Ronnie Starr, Justin Bieber's agent. OK?

First things first, before you meet Justin,

here are the ground rules, OK? One, you don't look at Justin.

OK? Two, you don't talk to Justin.

-Three, you don't call Justin, "Justin", OK?

-Yeah.

Break any of those rules and the interview is over. OK?

-I suppose so.

-OK. Justin, we're ready - out you come!

SCREAMING

# Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Baby, baby, baby - wooh! #

That's not Justin Bieber, that's Captain Length-Width!

What did I say to you a moment ago, huh? What did I say?

I said, "Don't look at him." I said, "Don't talk to him", didn't I?

Didn't I say that? This interview is over!

Is anyone eating this octopus?

Come on, Justin.

SCREAMING

Yes! I was right, it is you, Length-Width, isn't it?

Well, at least I had a go!

I can't keep up with today's nonsense.

Perhaps it's time for a reality check. Let's extract the facts.

Dear Zach, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about teenagers.

We found out that...

That's curious stuff about teenagers.

And that is how you extracto the factos.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

Oh, no, no, no, no, thank you, Mr Reeves.

What a busy boy you've been today.

It's all gone in my little reportee.

"Number one, mucking about in tree trunk trousers.

"Number two, impersonating a teenage heartthrob.

"And three" - oh, let's not forget this one -

"you made soup of my beautiful shoes."

But, I must admit,

we have had found some stupendously curious facts.

Yes, we have. We have indeed.

Well done everybody. But I'm afraid now it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

-Of course. Thank you.

-What are you up to tonight?

Tonight I am going home to watch my favourite film,

Princess Fairy Adventure. I mean, um...Cops In Action!

Tough Cops In Action, something like that.

Goodbye.

-Goodbye, everybody!

-Bye, Mr Reeves!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd