Episode 9 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff, we explore any subject you

desire and deliver top-quality curious facts.

On hand our dedicated team, Lovett, Teaparty,

Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls

and of course Captain Length-Width.

That's Miss Bracegirdle.

She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

and compile a report.

If we fail to impress, the Megaboss

will shut the Ministry down.

Let's not dilly-dally. There's lots to do.

Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-Good morning, everybody.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines please?

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.

Turtles can breathe through their bottoms.

And you appear to have stepped in something.

I've got something on my shoe. I know. Have you been there all night?

-Yes, I am exhausted.

-Well, get off.

-OK.

-Get in your position.

-All right,

-I'm going.

-You've been there all night.

I knew I had something on my shoe.

Captain Length-Width, while you are there could you guide me in, please?

Yes, of course.

Are you receiving me, over?

Receiving loud and clear, over and out.

This is Length-Width at control tower.

The weather is slightly squally showers

with a slight crosswind.

-Get on with it.

-Make your final descent.

Bank right, bank right, bank right, right, right, right,

hard right, hard right.

Steady, straighten up, steady as she goes, descend, descend

bank right, bank right now, steady, move to your left a bit.

Crab across. That's it. Right sit down.

Mr Reeves, welcome to the Ministry.

Thank you for flying Length-Width Airs.

We hope you enjoyed your journey.

If you are travelling onwards, please have a very lovely time.

-Thank you very much.

-Pleasure.

Mr Reeves, when you

and your gibbon are quite finished larking around, there is work to do.

-Calls to answer.

-Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

-Good morning, Mr Frazernagle.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

I have got a call coming through on line two.

I will connect you at the speed of light.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of service to your proposed Q&A?

Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name is Tatiana and I'd like to know some curious stuff about magic.

Thank you, Tatiana. Thanks a lot. Bye.

Tatiana would like to know some curious facts about magic.

Let's see what we can find.

So, Lovett, is magic real?

Well, Mr Reeves, this is fantastic.

Scientists from Imperial College London

are working on a device called an event cloak.

Basically, it slows down light so much

that the viewer can't see anything.

It's an invisibility cloak.

Ah, an invisibility cloak. I'd like to see one of those.

-'Look no further, Mr Reeves.'

-Length-Width. Where are you?

'Right in front of you.

'Don't believe me? Think I'm talking baloney?

'Look at the pen.'

I don't believe my eyes.

'Yes. Let's put the pen back down again.'

'Wait a couple of seconds and then pick it up again.'

Wow! Length-Width, have you seen this?

You are invisible.

Wait a minute.

Length-Width, how could you make a mockery out of invisibility?

I'm sorry, Mr Reeves. I just wanted you to think I was cool.

-Now, you look here.

-No, you look here.

Mr Reeves, for goodness' sake,

remember I am compiling a report for the Megaboss.

All this messing around doesn't do you or your pet monkey any favours.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

Miss Teaparty, spellbind me with more magic facts.

Two Italian magicians, Walter and Piero,

set the record for the most rabbits pulled out of a hat.

300 in 30 minutes.

Why didn't they save time and just pull out one great big rabbit?

DOORBELL

Large bunny in Z32.

-Hi, how can I help?

-You're a good-sized rabbit, like.

-Thanks, I have been working out.

-Good on you.

I bet you've worked with a few musicians in your time.

Any magician you can think of - they call me.

They've got me on speed-dial. I'm the best in the business.

You know what I mean?

Can you tell me

how does the old pulling the rabbit out of the hat work?

I don't know that. Why do you think I'd know that?

You must have been pulled out of plenty of top hats in your time.

I have never been pulled out of a top hat in my life.

I am quite offended by that.

-But you've worked with loads of magicians.

-Yes, I have.

So what trick do you do with them?

-Oh no, I'm not in the act.

-What do you do?

I'm an accountant. I look after the money. Do you know what I mean?

-An accountant?

-Yes.

-A rabbit accountant?

-Yes. How many times?

That's ridiculous.

Everybody knows if you're going to use an animal accountant,

-you use an owl.

-Naturally.

Mr Reeves, there is an organisation for magicians called

the Magic Circle. Do you know who the most famous member is?

I don't know. Your mum?

Well yes, actually my mother is a member of the Magic Circle,

but she doesn't like to talk about it.

Anyway, perhaps the most famous member of the Magic Circle is

none other than Prince Charles.

HE HUMS

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

-I need a volunteer. Please.

-HE MIMICS APPLAUSE

-What's your name?

-Mummy.

-And we have never met before, have we, Mummy?

What are you talking about? Of course we've met.

Please go along with it.

All right then. No, Charles, Prince of Magic,

-I have never met you before. Ever, ever.

-Good.

So if you would like to step into this box, I shall perform

a dangerous sawing-someone-in-half-trick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on. Time out.

This isn't part of some plan of yours to "accidentally" saw me in half

so you finally become King, is it?

Why would you...? Really, Mummy, why would you even

think such a thing? Hmm? Oh!

Miss Teaparty, any more interesting

and curious facts about magic, please?

Well, Mr Reeves, if you'd care to take a look,

world famous magician David Copperfield made

the Statue of Liberty disappear in front of a live audience in 1983.

Look, guys, I hate to burst your bubbles and everything.

Magic is trendy and cool et cetera,

but it is all just jiggery-pokery and cheeky shenanigans.

-True proper magic isn't real at all.

-Not so fast!

I have kept this secret for many years, but now it is time to

reveal the truth.

For I can prove that magic, spells and sorcery really exist,

as I, Vic Reeves, am a real live wizard.

But it is wizards' law that I may reveal my magical skills to

mere mortals but once in a lifetime.

Tonight you shall witness mine.

Look, everybody, there is a squirrel having a fight with

a pigeon over there by the bins. WHACKING

Behold my magical powers!

WHACKING

-That's good!

-That's amazing.

Wonderful.

I love it.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

-That is...

-I love it, I really do.

It really is something else. That really is the best thing ever.

There, what do you think of that, then?

That was the most exhilarating thing I have seen in years.

Really accomplished work.

I'd watch it all over again if I could. It was wonderful.

Of course I knew the squirrel was going to win

because it's the upper body strength, isn't it?

Plus he had a cricket bat, which rather stacks the odds.

That's a nice hat.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother.

Yes, well, unfortunately for you, I've just finished writing a very

detailed and scathing report

about this morning's ridiculous shenanigans.

Shall we at least see if we can extract some facts?

"Dear Tatiana, I'm delighted to enclose

"some curious stuff about magic.

"We learned that scientists at

"Imperial College London

"are working on a real-life invisibility cloak.

"The record for the most rabbits pulled out of a hat is 300

"in 30 minutes.

"Prince Charles is a member of the Magic Circle.

"In 1983, David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty

"disappear in front of a live audience."

So that's curious stuff about magic. What's next?

-Welcome to the ministry canteen.

-Hello, Mrs Dollop.

-It's "Do-LOPE".

-What can I get for you, sweetheart?

-Can I have the roast, please?

Tony! Roast!

Roast!

GRUNTING

No, that's my passport.

GRUNTING

I can't do everything for you, you careless cucumber!

Did you know that King Charles II's favourite dish

was a whale's vomit and eggs?

Mm. Lovely.

What on planet Earth is that?

That is not a roast, Tony.

That is a bucket of gravy with peanuts floating in it.

What weirdo is going to want to eat that?

TONY GRUNTS

-Oh, it ain't half bad.

-Can I try?

Oi! Get your own peanut surprise, you pea!

Kitchen is closed for training. Get out!

OK, Mr Frazernagle, any calls on the switchboard?

Call coming through on line one. Putting you through.

PHONE RINGS

Yes.

Hello, hello, this is Vic Reeves here

at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of convenience to your concern?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Zac and I would like to know

some curious stuff about brains.

Thank you very much. Thanks a lot.

Goodbye.

Zac wants to know some curious stuff about brains.

-Length-Width?

-Hm?

-You've got a brain, haven't you?

No, no, I haven't got a brain but my next door neighbour, June,

she lives with a brain.

Bit weird, isn't it?

That's a BRIAN. A Brian.

-Brian.

-Brian. Not brain, Brian. You don't half talk a load of rubbish.

-Yes, I know. I know.

-Come on. Any Curious stuff about brains, please?

Well, Mr Reeves, there are 400 miles of blood vessels in the brain.

-400 miles?

-Imagine this. 400 miles of sausages laid end to end.

-Oh, my goodness.

-Yes.

-My goodness.

-Yes.

-Oh, my goodness. My goodness.

Do you remember when we did that?

-Oh, yes, I do.

-That was a waste of time, wasn't it?

Three days we'll never get back.

THEY LAUGH

KNOCKING

-What was that?

-It seems to be coming from next door.

-Next door?

Yes. It's a sea squirt in Z32.

Do you mind?

-Not at all.

-Could you please keep the noise down?

-If you don't like it, move.

-Yes, move.

I would love to, believe me, but I've only gone and eaten

a part of my brain that controls movement, haven't I?

-That's unlucky.

-Yes it is, isn't it?

-I think I can help you there.

A sea squirt is a creature that lives on the ocean floor.

Once they have found a place to settle they no longer need to

move and so they digest the part of their brain

that controls movement.

-We'll try our very best to keep the noise down stop.

-Please do.

She's quite the hostile, isn't she?

I don't blame her with all the racket you lot are making.

(OK, any more curious stuff about brains?)

-Do you know which animal has the smallest brain?

-Length-Width?

Yes. I second that, definitely. He's a pelican and between you and me

I think I know that he is the one that's been eating all your sherbet.

No, actually. According to scientists, it's the fruit fly.

DOORBELL

Fruit fly buzzing in X5, Mr Reeves.

BUZZING

Right, you allegedly have the smallest brain

in the animal kingdom.

Do other animals look down on you, treat you differently,

call you names?

If so, how does it affect you?

FLY BLOWS LENGTHY RASPBERRY

Right, thank you, I think that answers my questions.

Thank you and goodbye.

BUZZING

I could get on with him.

Come on. Any more curious stuff about brains, please?

Yes, Mr Reeves, the human brain processes six basic emotions.

Happiness, surprise, fear, sadness, disgust, and anger.

-Which, interestingly, is also the names of the seven dwarfs.

-What?

No, they are not.

-It is.

-They're not.

-Is too.

-They're not.

-Is too.

-They're not.

-Is too.

-They're not.

-Is too.

Look, I'll prove it. Snow White!

-What?

-What are the names of your seven dwarfs?

Happiness, Fear, Surprise, Sadness, Anger and Disgust.

-See?

-That's only six.

Yes, I know. I'm not stupid. I can count.

-What's the seventh one called?

-Terry.

And you expect me to believe that?

I don't care if you don't believe it. It don't bother me.

I'm Snow White. I'm marrying a prince.

Hands up anyone else around here who is marrying a prince.

No-one. Exactly. He's well fit, he's loaded, and he's got a car.

CLATTER

Terry, get down off that shelf! You know you're not allowed up there.

I put the biscuits up there for a reason.

He's got a nut allergy. Terry!

Moving on, what else do we know about brains?

Research at the University of California has estimated

that on average most individuals have over 70,000 thoughts per day

and that the majority of these thoughts are the same thoughts

they had the previous day.

Yes, I have heard about this,

and to test it out, for the last 24 hours

I have had Captain Length-Width wired up

to a beautiful state-of-the-art hi-tech thought recorder.

I simply press play here and we should hear all of his thoughts.

CHIRPING

'I wish I was half robot, half penguin.'

Whoa! That's freaky, because so do I.

MUSIC PLAYS

# 70,000 thoughts today The same thoughts I had yesterday

# The day before and last Tuesday The same old thing

# Very little to think about Just 70,000 thoughts of nowt

# Just sitting staring at the clouds Same old thing

# Thinking about the things I thought

# Most of it adds up to nought

# 70,000 thoughts about nothing

# Zero, zilch, not a thing

# Gosh, these undies don't half cling

# Oh, I just thought about something. #

Oi! I'm going to complain to the council about this.

Mr Reeves, stop all that warbling and prancing about.

You've already got the Megaboss breathing down your neck

and now you've got a complaint going to the council.

It's not looking good for you, is it? Extract the facts.

"Dear Zac, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about brains.

"We have found that there are 400 miles of blood vessel in the brain.

"Once a sea squirt has found a place to settle they digest

"the part of the brain that controls movement.

"And fruit flies have the smallest brain in the animal kingdom."

That's curious stuff about brains. What next?

Frazernagle, any calls on the line yet?

There is a call on line one, Mr Reeves.

-I will connect you presently.

-Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of convenience to you?

Hello, Mr Reeves, my name is India

and I would like to know some curious stuff about noise.

Oh! Thank you very much, India. A very good question.

Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye.

India would like to know some curious facts about NOISE.

WHOOPING

Are you joking? Noise.

(How are we going to explore noise if we can't make any?)

-Poor Mr Reeves.

-Let's see what we can find, then.

What curious stuff have we discovered about noise?

It seems that our sea squirt isn't the only one who has

a problem with noise.

It says here that some people have a form of sound intolerance

called misophonia and that means they are highly sensitive or even

annoyed by ordinary sounds such as eating,

breathing, leg tapping or typing.

Do not fear - I have the answer here. It's the Noiseaway 3000.

All I need is a willing volunteer.

Debbie Quiet loaded in G1 for you, Mr Reeves. Shh.

HELLO, DEBBIE! Was that too loud?

-It was a little bit loud, yes.

-I'm sorry.

It had to be done.

You see, I'm a scientist and before we fit the Noiseaway 3000

-I want to conduct a few little experiments.

-OK.

-OK.

Let's start small.

An apple.

CRUNCH

-How was that, then?

-I love apples, yes.

-How about this?

Peter Piper picked a jar of pickled eggs

off the shelf and ate them.

How was that? Did you feel annoyed by that?

-I love Peter Piper. It was fine.

-All right. How about this?

GONG

-Gongs! I like them!

-Did that get your goat?

-I love gongs.

-Ooh!

PARPING

-How about that, then?

-I've heard worse. I love the tuba.

Do you know what? You do my head in. Have you got misophonia or what?

What is misophonia?

I'm sorry. I think there must have been a mix-up.

I've got no sense of smell.

-Perhaps I should just leave.

-I think you should, yes.

I think you should leave right now.

Oh, dear, Mr Reeves.

What a terrible waste of Ministry time that turned out to be.

I know! I'll put it in the report, shall I?

What am I going to do with all these Noiseaway 3000s?

-That was a bit of a waste, wasn't it?

-Hang on, Mr Reeves.

It's just an idea.

Do you not think the sea squirt might benefit

from the Noiseaway 3000?

I've got an idea.

Does anyone think that maybe the sea squirt might

benefit from the Noiseaway 3000?

-That's a good idea. Bravo.

-Thank you. Mrs Sea Squirt?

-What?

I've got something for you.

How's that?

Another satisfied customer.

Who else has got some curious facts about noise?

Depending on air temperature, did you know the speed of sound

is around 767 mph?

Is it? We'll see about that.

Length-Width, be a dear and run at 767 miles an hour for us, would you?

-How could I ever say no to that face?

-Good. Right.

On your marks, get set...

BOOM

-What's that noise?

-When an object goes faster than

the speed of sound, it makes a noise called a sonic boom.

That was it.

Length-Width has broken the sound barrier.

Yes! You can stop now.

SCREECH

CRASH

CLATTER

HORNS BEEP

ROARING

'I'm OK. It's all right.'

What other curious stuff have we got on noise?

When travelling through water, sound

moves approximately four times faster than travelling through air.

So that's how that octopus spread those rumours about me

so quickly. I know it was you who told Tracey about my verruca.

Don't think I don't know.

I'll make sure you never work in this ocean again.

I hate... I hate that octopus.

And yet I admire his confidence immensely.

Right, what other curious facts about noise have we got?

According to scientists, the noise you hear

when you crack your knuckles isn't in fact your bones cracking,

but it is actually the sound of gas bubbles bursting in your joints.

Do you mean like when I do this?

CRACK

Or this?

CRUNCH

Or this?

CRUNCH

That's a good one. How about when I do this?

CRUNCH

That's pretty good, but check this one out if you dare.

CRUNCH

Oh, I felt that! How about if I do this?

CRUNCH

You've always got to go a step too far, haven't you?

I know, but if it means the win...

THEY LAUGH

Any more facts about noise, please?

At 115 decibels, a baby's cry is louder than a car horn.

Louder than a car horn? I'd like to put that to the test.

DOORBELL

Man-Baby Simon in X1.

Ah, Man-Baby Simon, long time no see. Perhaps you can help us.

Is a baby's cry louder than a car horn?

How on earth should I know, you ridiculous little man?

I'm just a baby. Babies can't drive.

Pretty lady, I'm completely distracted by the bright

lovely colours.

If only we could make him cry.

I've got an idea. Length-Width, I've got a surprise for you.

-Is it my long-lost Uncle Boris?

-No, it's not, sadly.

-Do you remember Man-Baby Simon?

-Yes.

Look, I'm not a fan of Man-Baby Simon. I think he's weird.

-Frankly, he's annoying.

-Why don't you like me? My mummy says I'm adorable.

I've had a good idea.

I shall stick my sticky fingers up your nose.

Oh, my nose!

SQUEAKING

Yes. Miss Bracegirdle, have you met Man-Baby Simon?

An ickle baby.

Goo-goo-goo! Goo-goo-goo!

Who's a lovely baby? Come to Bracegirdle.

I'm definitely about to cry.

Agh!

HORN BLARES

Is it louder than a car horn?

Mr Reeves, can we get rid of him now, please?

HORN BLARES

Good. I'm pleased we got that cleared up.

He must been teething because babies normally adore me.

Enough of this childish nonsense.

Let's extract the facts.

"Dear India,

"I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff about noise.

"We have discovered that misophonia

"is the term given to people who are highly sensitive to sound.

"The speed of sound is approximately 767 mph.

"The noise you hear

"when you crack your knuckles is gas bubbles bursting.

"And a baby's cry is louder than a car horn."

That's curious stuff about noise.

And that is what you call fact extraction.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

No, no, no. Thank you, Mr Reeves.

As usual, there has been a lot of pointless horsing around,

which has gone straight in my little report.

It makes for very interesting reading.

But I must admit, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts.

Yes, we have. We have extracted some wonderful curious facts.

Well done, team.

I'm afraid now it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers.

I will, Miss Teaparty.

What are you up to tonight, sir?

Tonight I'm going to take the stabilisers off my mountain bike.

I mean... I'm going to put some fertiliser on my marrows.

-Goodbye, everybody.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

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