Episode 10 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

TYPEWRITER TAPS

'Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff, we explore any subject

'you desire and deliver top-quality curious facts.

'On hand, our dedicated team, Lovett,

'Teaparty, Frazernagle on the calls,

'Wannamaker in the walls.

'And of course, Captain Length-Width.

'That's Miss Bracegirdle.

'She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

'and compile a report.

'If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the Ministry down.

'Let's not dilly-dally, there's lots to do.

'Welcome to the Ministry of Curious Stuff.'

Good morning, everybody.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Good morning, Miss Teaparty. What are the headlines?

Well, Mr Reeves,

-there are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange.

-But...

Painting was once an event at the Olympics.

And I have been voted Nicely Magazine's

Nicest Nice Person Of The Year for the fifth year running.

How lovely and nice, Miss Teaparty.

Ah, Captain Length-Width, are you looking forward to tonight's

-concert where we support Rihanna at the Scout Hut?

-Oh, Mr Reeves!

I can't wait for the gig tonight.

And have you got the instruments in the back of the van?

-Ah, well, about the instruments.

-Oh! You haven't eaten them again?

No, no, I haven't eaten them, don't be ridiculous.

I took the instruments home last night to give them a clean up

-in anticipation of the gig tonight with Rihanna.

-Yes.

And, well, I put them in the washing machine,

obviously, to clean them, but I think I may have turned up

the heat just a little too high because this happened.

-You put them on a hot wash, didn't you?

-Yes.

-You put them on a hot wash and you shrunk them!

-Yes, I did.

-Ooh, really!

-What are we going to do?

-Let me think for a minute.

Ah. Now then, right, they're shrunk,

we get in the washing machine on the hot wash, we shrink.

We put the Scout Hut in there, we shrink that.

We put Rihanna in, shrink that, everyone's shrunk, job done.

Once again, Mr Reeves saves the day.

Oh, Mr Reeves!

-Tick, tick, tick.

-Ooh...

-Good morning, Mr Frazernagle.

-Oh, morning, Mr Reeves.

Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

I've got a great call on line two,

I'll put you through at the speed of light.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you.

Good day, hello, Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-How might I be of backing to your exploration?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name's Natalia and I like to know

some curious stuff about 10 Downing Street.

Thank you very much, Natalia.

Thank you so much, goodbye. Yes, good day.

Natalia would like to know some curious facts about

10 Downing Street where the Prime Minister lives.

Right, curious fact about 10 Downing Street, what have we got?

Well, Mr Reeves, the door at 10 Downing Street is bombproof

with a high-quality gloss paint finish.

There are two identical doors that get swapped over when one needs

a new coat, but its paint is a state secret.

Secret paint, eh? What's so secret about this paint?

I think I might need to find out. And I'll have to use

all of my brilliant super-spy skills to do so.

I won't be long.

Psst!

-I hear you've been asking questions.

-Are you the secret paint?

-I might be, depends. What's the codeword?

-What do you mean codeword?

THE codeword so I know you are who you say you are.

I don't know anything about a codeword.

I'm not talking to you until you say the codeword.

Well, can I come up with a new codeword and say that?

Anything to get this over and done with, OK? So...

The new codeword is

'Swiss cheese.'

Right, erm... Shall I go out and then come back in and sit down...?

-I don't care.

-Stay there.

-Are you the secret paint?

-You know I'm the secret...

Just say the codeword.

OK, the codeword is...

Oh, erm...

What was it again?

Charming.

Well, that tin of paint was a pro. Certainly knew how to keep a secret.

Right, more facts on 10 Downing Street, please.

-I have something, Mr Reeves.

-Yes.

There have been complaints about Larry, the 10 Downing Street cat

who has the job of Chief Mouser to the Cabinet office.

It appears he's been spending more time in the company

of a female cat than he has hunting for mice.

CHUCKLES

-TANNOY:

-'Feline arriving at the Ministry in X5, Mr Reeves.'

Hoy-hoy, Larry the Downing Street cat! Welcome to the Ministry.

-Stop right there!

-Who are you, then?

-Hello, hi.

I'm Ronnie Star, Larry's agent.

Now, my client won't be discussing his love life,

his relationship with the Prime Minister,

or rumours he's going to be the next Doctor Who.

-He's going to be the next Doctor Who, is he?

-Whoa!

OK, we have problem here. Larry doesn't like your face.

In fact, he hates it.

So what I'm going to have to ask you to do in order for this to work

is for you to turn around and face the other way, OK?

-I've never been...

-Just turn... That's it.

-Really!

-Larry. Larry the Downing Street cat. Welcome.

-Oh, no.

-Hi, me again.

Hello, Ronnie. We've still got a problem here you see

because even though you've turned away,

-Larry still knows your face is there, lurking.

-Lurking?!

OK, so what I'm going to have to ask you to do in order for this to

-work is just get rid of the face, OK?

-What you mean, hide?

-Whatever you got to do, honey, just do it.

-All right, I'll hide.

-Get rid of the face.

-Very well, OK.

-MOBILE PHONE NOTIFICATION

-Larry, the Downing Street cat...

Larry! It's that Hollywood producer.

He's offering 50 million for the movie rights for your life story

but we've got to go and sign the contract right now. Come on, kiddo!

Sorry, before you go, good luck, Larry, with Doctor Who.

Once again, I'm so sorry about his horrible lurking face.

OK, thank you, bye-bye.

..I know I'm not really supposed ask you this, but perhaps you

could tell me, what's it really like living with the Prime Minister?

-Um, excuse me, Mr Reeves.

-Mr Lovett, I'm talking to the cat.

Where's he gone?

-When did they leave?

-A few moments ago.

Don't worry, Mr Reeves, it could've happened to anyone.

-I blame you for this.

-Yes, so do I, yes.

-Right.

OK, more curious fact about 10 Downing Street, please.

Well, Mr Reeves, in the early 19th century, 10 Downing Street was

guarded by two men who sat outside the building on leather chairs.

In each chair, there was a little drawer that had hot coals in it

-to keep the men warm.

-What a wonderful idea.

Actually, Length-Width and I have chairs that are powered by coal.

Captain Length-Width, what are your first impressions of the chair?

Got to say I'm liking it, Mr Reeves.

It's warm, it's comfortable, and it's a real conversation piece.

What about you?

The thing I like about it the most is that you can do this.

HO-ONK!

-Get out.

-Yeah, I know what you mean, that's my favourite bit, too.

HONK!

Get out yourself.

HO-ONK!

HONK!

HO-ONK!

HONK!

Yes, all right, we get the idea,

you've both got big loud horns, very good, well done.

-Shall we get on with some work?

-Yes, of course, carry on.

Right, so, let me tell you, did you know that Downing Street...

HONK!

THEY CHUCKLE

HO-ONK!

Did you know ...?

HONK!

Right! That's it!

HO-ONK!

MR REEVES LAUGHS

CAPTAIN LENGTH-WIDTH LAUGHS

Play time is over.

SHE LAUGHS

Spoilsport.

Right, moving on,

what else do we know about 10 Downing Street?

Well, the last private resident of 10 Downing Street was a man

called Mr Chicken and very little is known about this mysterious

resident except for the fact he moved out in the early 1730s.

A mysterious Mr Chicken?

Wouldn't it be fantastic

if we could be the first people ever to interview him?

-TANNOY:

-'Mr Chicken arriving in Z32.'

-Ah, Mr chicken.

-Cluck-cluck-cluck.

So, Mr Chicken, tell me, what was Downing Street like back then?

Cluck-cluck-cluck-CLUCK!

-Really?

-Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck.

-Bears?

-Cluck-cluck-cluck cluck-cluck-cluck.

-Why did they learn to drive?

-Cluck-CLUCK cluck-CLUCK. CLUCK!

Yeah, well, I'm not surprised that you left, then!

Cluck-cluck-cluck.

Thanks, goodbye. See you, Mr Chicken.

-Well, what an amazing character. He could write a book.

-Mr Reeves.

Mr Chicken wasn't an actual chicken.

Well, it's a bit late for that, isn't it?

Right, any more curious fact about 10 Downing Street?

Well, Mr Reeves, for security reasons,

the front door at 10 Downing Street cannot be opened from the outside.

-It has no handle.

-Well, I know that feeling.

-"Oh, where's my doorknob? Who's nicked me door knob?"

-I did.

I just wanted to see you do that, really.

-REPORTERS:

-Prime Minister!

-Prime Minister!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa - where do you think you're going, mate?

-In there.

-Can you get somebody to let me in?

-You think I'm stupid or something?

-But I'm the Prime Minister. I live here.

-Oh, right, mate.

If I had a quid for every time I heard that one.

I only popped out to get a pint of milk. I passed you on the way out.

Look, I'm the Prime Minister,

-and I order YOU to get somebody to let me in.

-All right, mate.

Well, if you live here, how come you don't have a key?

I don't have a key, nobody does. You have to be let in from the inside.

Oh, very convenient.

Have I got 'mug' written on my face or something?

-Hey, I said no photographs.

-All right, Larry, mate? Nice to see you.

Welcome back. It's all right, it's Larry, you can let him in.

-It's the Prime Minister's cat. All right, Ronnie?

-Yeah.

No, not you.

Apparently, there's a rumour he's going to be the next Doctor Who.

Oh.

-Can I...?

-No.

Oh, I love Doctor Who. I wonder if I'll ever be the Doctor.

-And I wonder if I'll ever be a dentist.

-Optician.

This is part of your problem, Mr Reeves.

You live in a complete fantasy world.

It's time to come back to reality. It's time to extract the facts.

Dear Natalia, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff

about 10 Downing Street.

We discovered that for security reasons,

the door can only be opened from the inside.

A secret recipe is used to make the door paint glossy.

The last private resident of 10 Downing Street

was called Mr Chicken. And, finally, Larry, the Downing Street,

has the job of Chief mouser of the Cabinet.

Right, what's next?

OK, Mr Frazernagle, any calls on the switchboard?

Oh, I've got a fantastic call on line three.

You know what to do.

Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-How might I be of resistance to your pursuit?

-Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name's Thomas and I'd like to know some curious stuff about bees.

Thanks a lot. OK, bye, Tom. Bye.

Thomas would like to know some curious facts about bees.

Bees, Length-Width. The smallest of the British birds.

-No, I don't think they're birds, Mr Reeves.

-Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I think they're tiny flying pin cushions,

-I think.

-Maybe you're right, yeah.

-Insects!

-That's it. They're insects.

The most cuddly and colourful of the British insects.

They've won awards for their colourful cuddliness,

-haven't they?

-They have, yes. They've definitely earned their stripes.

THEY LAUGH

Miss Teaparty, curious facts about bees.

Well, Mr Reeves, the average worker bee produces

-approximately 1/12 of teaspoon of honey in her life time.

-Really?

1/12 of teaspoon? I can't begin to imagine what that looks like.

-Well, I've got it right here for you.

-Have you?

-Mh-hm.

-Let me see.

-That is the whole lifetime's work of one bee.

-A whole lifetime's work.

Mmm.

Got any more?

Length-Width, you're a disgrace.

Thank you very much.

Did you hear how much work went into getting that?

And, you know, a hive of bees will fly 90,000 miles - that's the

same as three times around the Earth -

just to collect 1 kg of honey.

90,000 miles for 1 kg of honey. That's quite a distance.

Yeah, they should just pop to the shop round the corner from me.

They sell honey. It would be a lot quicker.

Oh, Miss Teaparty, more bee facts, please.

Well, Mr Reeves, the bee's brain is oval in shape

and about the size of a sesame seed.

So, pretty much about the same size as Length-Width's brain.

Yes.

Come on, more busy bee facts.

Honeybees communicate with each other by dancing

and this is known as the waggle dance and is used to

point out the location of nearby food sources to each other.

Well, nothing new there.

I very often give directions to tourists via the medium of dance.

Ja, hallo?

Entschuldigung. Hallo.

Ja, bitte, mein Frau?

Could you please tell me the way to the jelly festival?

Yes. You go...

MAMBO MUSIC PLAYS

So, we take the second left...

No.

You go...

MAMBO MUSIC PLAYS

Ah, so we go back the way we came.

No. You go...

MAMBO MUSIC PLAYS

I'm just not getting it at all.

It's just there. You can see it.

Oh, ja! Thank you.

Right, more curious facts on bees, please.

Well, Mr Reeves, there is a law in Kirkland Illinois

that forbids bees from flying over the town.

NEWS JINGLE PLAYS

And joining me via satellite,

it's Doug Benson who is heading this campaign to have the law overturned.

-Hi, Vic.

-Hi, Doug. So, you're trying to get this law overturned, right?

Yeah, it's political correctness gone mad. It's a travesty, man.

And it goes against our basic bee rights.

BEES: Yeah! Yeah!

So, how are you going to get them to try and scrap this law?

We're going to sting everyone. BEES: Yeah!

No, we're not stinging anyone.

This is a peaceful protest.

-Can't we just sting, like, two people?

-BEES: Yeah!

No. No stinging. We are civilised bee. Besides, we are honeybees.

-If we do sting someone then we might die.

-What?

-Rubbish, you're just making that up.

-No, I'm not. Everyone knows that.

-Nobody told me.

-Nobody told me either.

Wait a second. My buddy Neil stung loads of people and he is fine.

Yeah, but Neil's a wasp.

Oh, yeah.

OK, OK, what will you do if you can't get the law scrapped

and it remains illegal for you to fly over Kirkland?

Probably what we have been doing.

And what is that?

Just get the bus into town.

OK. Thank you, Doug.

Let's hope there is no sting at end of this tale.

# I saw a bee flying way up high

# I saw a bee flying high up in the sky

# We were on board

# We were on board

# We were on board that magic bee

# Through my binoculars I saw that magic bee

# I tried to see if upon its back was ye

# But upon his back ye I did not see

# Cos riding on that bee was me. #

Mr Reeves, I can't believe you are wasting time

riding around on the back of a bumblebee.

If you don't get down to some hard work,

this ministry will be shut down.

Now, please, bee-hive.

Good one.

It was awful.

Look, I know that and you know that but she doesn't know that.

Keep her sweet.

Let's extract the facts.

We found out that...

In fact...

And...

That's bees. So what's next?

Mr Frazernagle,

surely there must be another caller on the switchboard, duck.

Ooh, I've got a cracking call on line two. I'll put you through now.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How might it be furtherance to your topic?

Hello, Mr Reeves.

My name is Nolwen and I'd like to know some curious stuff about hair.

Thank you, Nolwen. How very kind of you to enquire. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Nolwen wants some curious facts on hair.

Right, curious facts on hair.

Research suggests there is an average of 100,000 hairs

on the human head and babies' hair does grow at the same rate

but, as we age, each hair grows and sheds at different times

and if they didn't we would go through stages of baldness.

Really? Hey, Bracegirdle,

why do you hide that lovely bald head of yours underneath that wig?

How dare you? I'll have you know

I'm one of the hairiest women you'll ever meet.

Quickly moving on.

Well, Mr Reeves, there is something called werewolf syndrome.

If you would care to take a look.

11-year-old Supatra from Thailand is delighted to be officially

recognised as the world's hairiest girl

and it has made her very popular at school.

Yes, I'm very aware of werewolf syndrome.

In fact, when I first met Captain Length-Width,

he was absolutely covered in hair,

lurking in the bushes outside my caravan.

Then I took him in, gave him a wash, gave him shave.

This is what he used to look like, actually.

Mr Reeves, that is just a dog.

No, I think you'll find that's Captain...

Ah, yes, you're quite right. That is.

That's the story of the time that I shaved that dog.

Come on then, more curious hair facts.

Well, Mr Reeves, in one book on ancient Rome, it says there were

people who specialised in armpit plucking with tweezers.

Research suggests that around 1AD, fashionable Romans used

to remove all their body hair.

Bite down on that for me, sweetheart.

Where are you going on your holiday this year?

-Aargh! BOTH:

-Ssh!

Well, I really, really can't decide. But I was thinking about Pompeii.

-Aaargh! BOTH:

-Ssh!

I wouldn't. Muggins here went there last year.

Mount Vesuvius only erupted.

OMG. What are the chances?

-Aaargh! BOTH:

-Ssh!

I know. It's a total frightener, right? Lava everywhere.

Ruined my flip-flops.

-Aargh! BOTH:

-Ssh!

Here, what are you doing after lunch?

I've got a really hairy one coming in at three.

I think it might be a two-man job.

-Aaargh! BOTH:

-Shut up!

Right, more curious hair facts, please.

Well, Mr Reeves, experts found that just 1cm of hair can tell you

a lot about your behaviour in the past month.

Things you have eaten, things you drank, where you've been.

Well, I've got a very keen nose.

Teaparty, brace yourself, I'm going to have a sniff.

Ah. You have been eating sponge cake.

Drinking milk.

Visiting the zoo.

A particular cage at the zoo.

A lot.

Teaparty, you know you have been banned from that zoo.

I'm very disappointed.

Right, quickly moving on.

Well, Mr Reeves, Mary Antoinette was famous for using her

decorative wigs to reflect her mood or to mark an event

occurring in public life at the time,

such as wearing a ship in her wig to celebrate a battle won at sea.

Ah, well, now then, we should meet my good close friend

fashion designer Klaus Kloff,

who is bringing back the decorative wig.

And he is here with his new range.

Famous fashion designer entering through C1, Mr Reeves.

-Vicky, baby.

-Kloffy-kins!

Kloffy-kins, the whole world wants to know,

why bring back the decorative wig?

Well, Vicky-babe, it's just the right time.

There's a whole buzz going on. You getting me?

I'm getting you, I'm getting you.

Let's bring the wig back. Make it cool, make it current.

Make it hip. You getting me?

I'm still getting you, I'm still getting you.

Now, come on, talk us through your new range.

OK, first up, do you like sausages?

Do you like potatoes?

And do you like hair?

Well, come to mention it, yes, I do.

Then you're going to love this.

It's a top-of-the-range bangers and mash wig.

Complete with gravy sausage toboggan.

You can turn heads at this year's sausage jamboree.

-Klaus, you have excelled yourself. It is your finest work yet.

-Oh.

Next up, Vic, do you ever find yourself walking around

wanting nothing but toast? And you say to yourself,

"I want toast. I want it now." Does that ever happen to you?

-More and more each day.

-Well then, you are in luck.

Take a look at this. It's what I like to call my toast toupee.

Life doesn't get much better

when you are wig-wearing, toast-making machine.

Mmm, tsss! Oh, it's hot, baby.

Klaus, you have excelled yourself. It's your finest work yet.

You're terrible.

Finally, Vic, do you ever look in the mirror and say to yourself,

"I hate my life, it stinks. The only thing that would make it better is

"if I had a giant ice cream on top of my head?"

-You know I do.

-Well, hallelujah, praise my fingers.

Take a look at this. It is my hairy dairy ice-cream spectacular.

You can be the most popular guy at parties as all of your friends

fight to get a taste of your ice cream wig.

And I wouldn't be surprised if a rich and famous Texan billionaire

came through here now and bought your entire range.

Howdy, I'm a rich and famous Texan billionaire

and I would like to purchase your fantastical wig collection

in exchange for this here wheelbarrow full of cash.

It's a deal!

Now, if I can just take my wigs, I'll be on my way.

Ah!

I'm so sorry. I meant to leave some for everybody else but I'm starving.

Well, that is a darn shame. I guess you won't be getting all this money.

I'm too stupidly rich to be bothered taking it back to the bank.

I'm just going to go tip it in the river. Yee-ha!

Your best gibbon just ate my finest work and lost me

a wheelbarrow full of cash. See you in court.

You'll never take me alive.

Mr Reeves, if your fashion show is quite finished,

it is time to extract some facts.

We found out that...

And...

That's curious stuff about hair.

And that is what you call fact extraction.

Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, thank you, Mr Reeves,

for you've been very busy today, horsing around

and it has, of course, gone in my report for the Megaboss.

Today's crimes -

operating smoking chimneys on Ministry property,

buzzing around on the back of a bee

and snacking on designer headgear.

I'm sure the Megaboss will be very interested to read that.

But, I must admit, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts.

Yes, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts

but, I'm afraid, now it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, Mr Reeves.

-Of course, thank you.

-And what are your plans tonight?

Tonight, I thought I would do some flower pressing with Kim.

I mean, I'm going to do some bench presses at the gym. Yes.

-Goodbye, everybody.

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd