Episode 11 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

'Here at the Ministry of Curious Stuff,

'we explore any subject you desire

'and deliver top-quality curious facts.'

'On hand, our dedicated team,

'Lovett, Teaparty,

'Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls.

'And, of course, Captain Length-Width.'

'That's Miss Bracegirdle.

'She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

'and compile a report.

'If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the ministry down.'

'Let's not dilly-dally, there's lots to do!

'Welcome to The Ministry Of Curious Stuff.'

Good morning, everybody!

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines?

Well, Mr Reeves, there's

a type of frog that croaks with a Norfolk accent.

Croak, croak.

-The dots on a dice are called pips.

-Pip, pip.

And what's that you've got on your hand?

I have nothing on my hand, as you can see.

There's nothing on my...

Oh! Hey! Oh! Hoo!

-Ah, Length-Width.

-Yes?

-Length-Width.

-Yes.

-What have you been doing?

Well, last night, I went and had my French lesson.

-Really?

-Yes.

-I've been doing them French lessons as well.

Have you? I've been learning for five years,

so I'm pretty much fluent...

Well, I've been doing them for about six years,

so I'm probably more fluent than you.

Really? You'll understand this, then.

THEY SPEAK IN FRENCH:

Mr Reeves!

SHE SPEAKS IN FRENCH:

-What is that she's speaking?

-I don't know.

You are already testing my patience.

Remember, it all goes in the report.

Shall we get to work?

BELL DINGS

Mr Frazernagle! Hi, Frazers.

Oh, morning, Mr Reeves!

Any calls coming through on the switchboard?

Ooh, I have a splendid call coming through on line three.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of assistance to your forthcoming enquiry?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Sophia

and I'd like to know some curious stuff about the Queen.

Thank you, Sophia. Thank you very much. Goodbye!

Goodbye.

Sophia wants to know some curious facts about the Queen.

A right royal subject!

Let's see what we can find out.

Right, people. Curious stuff about the Queen.

Well, I've got something here, sir.

It's Her Majesty the Queen's custom to send her citizens

a congratulatory message when they reach the ripe old age of 100.

INTERCOM DINGS

Royal messenger in H48, Mr Reeves.

TRUMPETS TRUMPET

By order of Her Majesty the Queen, I have a special

telegram for a Miss Bracegirdle!

SHE GASPS

Ha! Well, I wouldn't have put you a day over 75.

Well, it does explain a lot, doesn't it?

Many happy returns, dear.

Oh! Phew.

False alarm.

I'm not 100.

It's just a telegram from the Queen saying she'll be

visiting the ministry later today.

Ah.

THEY GASP

Oh! Oh!

Calm down! Calm down! Calm down, everybody!

Calm down, calm down!

We must prepare for the royal visit, but first,

we need some curious Queen facts.

Here's something, Mr Reeves.

All members of the Royal family

have to have a British passport,

including Prince Charles

and Prince William,

but, as a British passport is issued

in the name of Her Majesty, the Queen doesn't need one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Behind the line.

-Passport.

-Well, look at the face.

One doesn't need one.

One's face is one's passport.

No passport, no entry.

But I'm the Queen, the head honcho, the big cheese!

Never heard of you.

Look! I'm on the money.

You don't get on the money unless you're a Charlie big potatoes.

Well, that looks like a lady.

I do look like the Queen.

Don't I?

Barry! I can't believe we just met the Queen!

OK, lads and lasses. Any more curious stuff on the Queen?

Well, Mr Reeves, the Queen has received many unusual gifts.

She was once given two tortoises in the Seychelles,

she's also been given an elephant called Jumbo and once,

on a royal visit to Canada, she was gifted with two black beavers.

Blimey, imagine being given an animal every time you go on holiday.

What does she do with them all?

If I were her, I'd re-gift them as Christmas presents.

No-one would ever know.

-QUEEN:

-Happy birthday, son.

I absolutely, 100% did not forget

it was your birthday and this

is in no way the first thing that I grabbed out of the cupboard.

Thank you, Mummy!

I do hope it's an MP3 player!

Any more curious stuff on the Queen?

Well, Mr Reeves, the Queen has a very curious alarm clock.

The Queen is woken every morning by the Royal Piper.

Now, the Piper is a member of the household,

whose principal duty is to play beneath the Queen's bedroom window

every weekday at 9am for about 15 minutes.

OK, more curious Queen facts.

Well, Mr Reeves, you might find this quite useful.

In 2012, a Buckingham Palace chef

revealed the Queen's favourite foods.

According to him, she's especially fond of jam sandwiches,

but she always has the crusts cut off.

Right, come on! More curious Queen facts.

We need to know as much as possible prior to this royal visit.

Well, Mr Reeves, there's a lot of speculation

about what the Queen keeps in her handbag.

In 2007, it was reported Her Majesty uses it to carry family photos,

breath mints and doggy treats.

Teaparty, where are you getting this from?

I'm really struggling to verify this.

Length-Width, what do you keep in your handbag?

Oh, you know, usual stuff.

Chewing gum,

purse, spare purse,

pencil,

scampi in a basket and a couple of hedgehogs.

How about you?

Chewing gum, lippy,

microscope, massive quill,

purse,

jar of gravel,

herring.

Oh, I forgot to pack the herring!

Oh, that's a shame.

Would have come in handy later.

Oh, there's more!

It's rumoured the Queen has a secret handbag code,

and apparently if she switches arms,

her servants know she's ready to leave

and if she sets the bag on the floor,

she finds the conversation boring.

Oooh! Well, actually, I know all about that

and Her Majesty's got loads more codes.

In fact, this is Her Majesty's secret handbag code book,

which contains literally thousands upon thousands

of secret handbag signals.

Oh, Mr Reeves.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Length-Width, are you ready?

Handbag on head means,

"Feed me jam."

The handbag lasso means,

"I want to fight a film star."

This one, here, means,

"Quick, hide, Prince Charles is coming."

And, finally, the handbag waft means,

"I can smell onions."

In fact, I can smell onions, can you?

Is that you, Bracegirdle?

THEY LAUGH

Very funny, I don't think!

Shall we press on?

It's time to extract these royal facts.

'Dear Sophia, I'm delighted to enclose

'some curious stuff about the Queen.

'We found out that...'

'And apparently,

'the Queen has a secret handbag code,

'but it's only a rumour.

'So, that's curious stuff about the Queen. What's next?'

The Queen won't be here for a few hours yet,

so we've still got some more time

for some more curious stuff.

Any callers on the switchboard, please, Mr Frazernagle.

There's a fantastic call coming through on line four.

I'll put you through now.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves 'ere at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of service to your investigation?

Hello, Mr Reeves. My name is Dahria

and I'd like to know some curious stuff about chocolate.

Ooh, how interesting, Dahria.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Dahria would like to know some curious stuff about chocolate.

Oh, chocolate!

Captain Length-Width, you like a chocolate, don't you?

I love chocolate, Mr Reeves.

And I've got to come clean and tell you

that I've had a couple of your chocolate buttons.

Where did you get them from?

Out of your sewing kit.

Yeah. They were real buttons.

You know, I thought they were a little bit hard. I cracked a tooth.

Actually, what about my liquorice bootlaces?

-Yes, I have had a couple of those.

-Where did you find them?

-In your shoebox.

-Anything else you'd like to admit to?

-I had one of your chocolate logs.

-Where did you find that?

In the woodshed.

Hmm, right. OK, let's move on.

Curious stuff about chocolate, please!

Well, Mr Reeves, Valentine's Day in Japan is all about

giving chocolate to men.

Women give chocolates not only to their valentine,

but also as a gift of friendship

to male bosses, colleagues and friends.

VIC COUGHS

Right, ladies.

If you would care to give

some chocolates to your wonderful boss,

I'll just leave this box here

and you can just pop them in there, OK?

No pressure. No pressure, ladies.

No pressure whatsoever.

There's the box, no pressure.

OK, any curious facts about chocolate?

Yes, Mr Reeves.

This is very curious. Chocolate can come in some very weird flavours.

These include bacon, mushroom and peanut butter

and sweet Indian curry powder with coconut.

I've been experimenting with chocolate flavourings.

Perhaps you'd like to be the first to try my range.

Nothing would give me greater pleasure, Mr Reeves!

Well, here they are.

-Why don't you try, for instance, this one?

-Right, yes.

-How's that?

-What is it?

Hair.

HE SPITS OUT THE CHOCOLATE

Freshly shaved from a dog this morning.

Not like it?

-Try this one.

-All right.

What's that?

Again, hair.

Not like that one, either?

Not keen on that? All right, that one.

All right, as long as it's not hair.

Hmm. What's that?

Hair.

You cheeky, rotten liar!

You said they were all different, but they're all the same.

That's where you're wrong! Ha, ha, ha!

For this one is blonde,

this one is brunette

and this one is ginger.

All different and yet

with the same subtle, furry, hairy goodness.

MUFFLED RESPONSE

Your tongue feels funny?

That did happen to someone else I tried out the chocolates on.

You'll be needing this.

Oh, and I'd use an anti-dandruff shampoo.

OK, more chocolate facts, please.

In 600 AD, Mayans used cocoa beans as money.

Ten beans would buy you a rabbit.

Oh, I'd like to meet one of these Mayan fellas.

INTERCOM DINGS

Mayan loading in X5, Mr Reeves.

Ah, Mayan bloke!

Hiya! Nice to see you!

So, Mayan bloke, is it true that you used cocoa beans as currency?

Maybe. Depends who's asking.

Here, you look like a sophisticated fella!

-Oh...

-Want to buy a fish?

Ah...

I tell you what, I've got kipper, mullet, snapper, trout.

Actually, do you know what,

I came out this morning without my herring!

So, do you have a herring?

Might have. That'll be 20 cocoa beans.

You don't take biscuits, do you?

What, have I got "Mug" written on my forehead, or what?

It's chocolate.

Nice try, geezer.

All right then, how about an after-dinner mint?

That will do nicely.

-I thought so.

-Pop it in the old thingy.

-There you go.

-Pop your number in there, I ain't looking.

Neither am I.

Right, lovely.

Here you go, treacle.

-It's red.

-Course it is.

Matches your eyes. Nice doing business with ya!

I've done him up like a kipper.

-Nice one, son.

-Hmmm.

More curious chocolate facts, please.

Christopher Columbus is said to have brought the first cocoa beans

back to Europe from his visit to the Americas between 1502 and 1504.

Between 1502 and 1504?

He could've said it was just after three o'clock!

VIC AND LENGTH-WIDTH LAUGH

Thank you.

Mr Reeves, honestly.

Here's another fact for you.

According to research, the Aztecs called it xocolatl,

meaning warm or bitter liquid.

A warm, bitter liquid?

It sounds like what we get when it's Lovett's turn to make a cup of tea!

VIC AND LENGTH-WIDTH LAUGH

Thank you.

I love chocolate.

You know, Mr Reeves, one of the reasons we all love

chocolate so much might be because it contains phenylethylamine.

Same to you, duck.

Right. It's a chemical which mimics

the brain chemistry of someone in love.

It's true. The mere mention of chocolate sends ladies

absolutely madly in love with me,

which is why I suspect

that this box here

is filled to the brim

with delicious, sweet...

VIC KICKS BOX

Ooh! Really! Right, any more chocolate facts, please?

The most expensive sweet treat that we have found to date is

a chocolate dessert costing a whopping £22,000.

£22,000 for a chocolate?

What's it got in it, a diamond?

Well, yes, actually.

It comes with a two-carat diamond and is coated with edible gold.

I'd love to try a super-expensive dessert.

INTERCOM DINGS

Lovely choccy dessert waiting for you in B7, Mr Reeves.

Would you take a look at that!

# Today, today Today is my birthday

# And I'm going out for an ice cream sundae

# Yumma, yumma, yumma, yumma Yumma, yum, yumma

# Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Et cetera

# Chunky, crumbly ice cream sundae

# Better watch out, cos I am hungry

# Yumma, yumma, yumma, yumma Yumma, yummy

# Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-lee

# Et ceter-ee

# Here comes a waiter with a cheque

# Oi, oi, oi

# I'm going to be sick

# Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck Yucka, yucka, yuck, yucka

# Hoy, hoy, hoy

# And puff, puff, puff. #

£22,000 for chocolate pudding!

You're having a laugh, ain't ya?!

Well, that's one for the photo album... I mean, report.

You may be having fun now, but mark my words,

the party will be over when the Megaboss reads this report!

Now, let's extract the facts.

'Dear Dahria,

'I'm to enclose some curious stuff about chocolate.

'We learnt...'

'So, that's curious stuff about chocolate. What's next?'

My dear Length-Width, how are the preparations

coming along for the Queen's visit?

Well, Mr Reeves, the jam sandwiches are finished,

so all I need to do now is put on my best clothes and I'll be ready.

Good man.

What are these here?

These are the jam sandwiches.

Where's the middle bit gone?

Mr Reeves, if you were listening earlier,

you will have heard Lovett say the Queen enjoys her jam sandwiches

with the crusts cut off, so voila!

She doesn't eat the crust.

She eats the middle bit with the bread and the jam.

-And where are they?

-I'm not surprised she eats that bit,

because those bits are delicious

and I polished them off about 15 minutes ago,

so I'd say they're probably about there now,

or, with a clear run, maybe down there.

You know what, sometimes I despair of you! Really, I do!

Now, get back to your station...

HIS NOSE POPS

..and make some more sandwiches!

Frazernagle, any callers on the line, please?

I've got a wonderful call on line two.

-PHONE RINGS

-Thank you.

Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

How might I be of expedition to your venture?

Hello, Mr Reeves! My name is Rachaan

and I'd like to know some curious stuff about the colour red.

Thank you, Rachaan. Goodbye.

Rachaan would like to know some curious facts

about the colour red.

Length-Width. Colour red.

Now, doesn't that make you really angry?

Yes, you know it does, Mr Reeves. Yes.

Better be careful with this subject.

Ooh! What's this here?

A delicious red jellybean?

Now, you look here, sir!

-I will not have it!

-You...

A white one.

Oh, chill out about it, man.

You know, nothing really matters at the end of the day.

Oh, pink.

Oh, I'm not sure what I think. Hmm.

Green?

Oh, I'm so envious, because I want that jellybean!

-Blue.

-But I'm so sad

because I'll never have it!

Such confusion in one so young.

Come on, curious facts about the colour red.

-I believe I can handle this one, Mr Reeves.

-Really?

Strawberries, the best of the berries - red.

Postboxes, the best way to send a parcel,

letter or little cake - red.

Red cars - you guessed it, yeah, they're red.

The best things are red, because red is the best colour.

It's got it all!

Red is passion, red is excitement, red is danger,

red is your brother, red is your best friend,

red is a little old lady that you help across the road!

In short, red is the best thing in the universe!

-Yes!

-Bravo! Bravo, old chap!

-BRACEGIRDLE:

-Mr Reeves!

Do we really have to listen to any more of this?

Captain Length-Width, thank you so much for an invigorating

and most impassioned speech.

Oh, actually, I've got something red,

this red herring that I bought earlier.

Well done, Mr Reeves. I told you that

would come in handy a little later on.

Actually, Mr Reeves, according to Cambridge dictionaries,

the definition of a red herring is a fact, idea or subject that

takes people's attention away from the central point being considered.

Hmm. And what's the subject we're considering?

The colour red.

Exactly. So, let's not get distracted by this fish.

Right, any other facts on the colour red?

There's an intriguing one here about a hippopotamus.

When they perspire, their sweat turns red and acts as sunscreen.

Ha! You think that's weird, you should meet my mate Adrian.

He squirts ink.

Isn't your mate Adrian a giant squid?

Now, look here! He's not a giant squid.

He's a medium-size squid who chooses to wear baggy clothes.

-My mistake.

-Oh, oh, Mr Reeves, Mr Reeves!

Have you ever heard of the planet Mars?

Of course, I'm not a complete turnip!

What's he talking about?

-Mars.

-Yeah.

-It's a planet.

-Right.

Anyway, did you also know Mars is also called the Red Planet?

Why's that?

Well, if you care to take a look

you'll see that the planet has turned red and this is

because there's a lot of iron in the soil

and the atmosphere on Mars then causes this iron to rust,

thus making the planet red.

This is exactly how a nail might go rusty on Earth.

Oh, yes, but don't be fooled by the red colour.

It is not a hot planet.

In winter, it is -100 degrees

and it's what is known as a hostile environment.

Really? A hostile environment?

What's that mean?

Well, in outer space terms,

a hostile environment is somewhere

that cannot support living organisms,

for example, somewhere with extreme temperatures,

no air to breathe, where there's dust storms, lots of radiation...

-OK. Any other stuff on the colour red?

-Yes, Mr Reeves.

Red is the first colour you lose sight of at twilight.

Oh, Twilight!

Twilight, one of the best films and books

and everything ever!

-Mr Reeves...

-Miss Teaparty, have you seen the Twilight films?

Yes, of course, Mr Reeves. They're, like, mega!

-Yeah, how many times have you seen them?

-Like, 14 times.

Yeah, well, I've seen them a million, billion, squillion times.

Robert Pattinson, R-Patz,

he is so dreamy!

-Oh, you can say that again.

-BRACEGIRDLE:

-Mr Reeves!

You know that that terrible juvenile vampire drivel is not to be

discussed during ministry hours!

I thought she would have been into it.

She's one of the undead.

LENGTH-WIDTH LAUGHS

What was that, Mr Reeves?

I said, "Do we know anything else about the colour red?"

Well, Mr Reeves, recent research has revealed that a person or team

wearing the colour red is more likely to win a physical contest

than a person or team wearing another colour.

Yes, Mr Reeves.

It suggests that wearing red makes you feel more powerful

and that you're seen as more threatening by others.

Yes, red has an important but subtle influence

on the way we think.

That is quite threatening. Perhaps we should talk to an athlete.

INTERCOM DINGS

Top swimmer, Michael Flipper, waiting for you in H28, Mr Reeves.

Ah, hello. Mr Flipper.

Now then, you're top a swimmer.

What do you think gives you the advantage?

If I'm going to take gold, I need every advantage I can get.

Red makes you go faster, baby!

Why don't you just wear a pair of red swimming trunks?

Oh, man!

Mr Reeves, here's an interesting fact about the colour red.

Traditionally, dignitaries and royals walk on red carpets.

-It dates back as far as ancient Greek times.

-She's right, Mr Reeves.

The red carpet was first mentioned in 485 BC in the Greek play, Agamemnon.

It was said to be fit for only the feet of the gods.

Nowadays, we use red carpets for VIPs, and the Queen!

Ah, yes. Red carpet, we mustn't forget about that. The Queen.

We need to get ready for the Queen. She'll be here any minute.

Come on, chop chop.

Better go and put on my best party outfit!

Right! Come on, everybody! It's totally exciting. Are we all set?

-Jam sandwiches?

-Over there, Mr Reeves.

-Excellent.

-Red carpet?

-Check!

I've just finished painting the blue one red.

How exciting!

I can't believe that in a couple of seconds,

we're actually going to meet the Queen.

This is the most exciting day of my life!

Actually, the second most exciting day of my life.

There was this one time I ate a marvellous pie!

TRUMPET FANFARE

Right, she's here. Everybody, stay calm.

-VOICEOVER:

-This is her Majesty's inaugural visit to the Ministry.

Let's hope this goes well.

She's being greeted by the Minister of Curious Stuff, Mr Reeves.

Renowned for being peculiar, as you can see.

Oh dear, moving her handbag there, to signal she's ready to move on.

Cheers!

Ah, there's the very stylish Miss Teaparty.

The handbag arm switch again, showing her Majesty's had enough.

Next is Mr Lovett.

A senior researcher at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.

And if I'm not much mistaken, yes,

that seems to be the handbag code for, "feed me jam".

I'm not sure who this next person is,

but he does seem very enthusiastic.

Oh dear, wafting the handbag.

Looking at my code book, it signals the smell of onions.

Yes, that's the Minister confirming it there.

And just at the end there, Captain Norman Length-Width.

I'm not sure what he's Captain of, exactly.

Oh, it's the handbag windmill. This is a disaster!

Her footman clearly angry, there.

Yes, that's the Queen very quickly whisked away.

-What's all that about?!

-I don't know, Mr Reeves.

What does THAT mean?

I don't know, I'm going to have a look in the Queen's secret

handbag codebook and find out, though.

It says here, "I'm offended by that man's trousers"!

Well, whose trousers?

Well, it couldn't have been my trousers, I don't know

whether any of you have noticed, but I'm not wearing any trousers!

THEY GASP

How could you?!

Mr Reeves, will you calm down and have a sandwich?!

-I'll give you a san.... Now, you look here!

-You look here!

-No, you look here!

-Look here!

-Mr Reeves!

I'm thrilled that your little friend is so unpatriotic,

but don't you think he'd better put his trousers back on!

It's time to extract the facts.

Dear Rachaan, I'm delighted to enclose some curious stuff

about the colour red.

We found out that:

That's curious stuff about the colour red.

And there you have it!

Fact extraction at its finest.

-Thank you, Miss Bracegirdle.

-No, no, no.

Thank you, Mr Reeves. For my report gets stronger by the day.

I can't wait to show the Megaboss this little lot.

But, I must admit, we have extracted some wonderfully curious facts!

Yes, well done, team. Some very, very good facts today.

But now, it's time to go.

Don't forget to post our findings to our callers, please, Mr Reeves.

-Thank you, Miss Teaparty.

-And what are your plans tonight, sir?

Well, do you know, tonight I'm just going to go home

and get into my fairy pyjamas.

I mean, I'm going to go home and feed my scary piranhas.

Oooh!

-Goodbye, everybody!

-Goodbye, Mr Reeves.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd