Episode 12 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

'Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff,

'we explore any subject you desire

'and deliver top-quality curious facts.

'On hand, our dedicated team,

'Lovett, Teaparty, Frazernagle on the calls,

'Wannamaker in the walls,

'and, of course, Captain Length-Width.

'That's Miss Bracegirdle.

'She's been sent by head office to investigate our work

'and compile the report.

'If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the Ministry down.

'Let's not dillydally, there's lots to do.

'Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.'

-Good morning, everybody!

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines?

A flamingo eats with its head upside down, the tips of shoelaces

are called aglets, and someone needs to tell Lovett to have a shave.

Yes. Lovett, have a shave, man!

-Length-Width.

-What?

-Are you ready for Britain's Got Talent?

-Absolutely.

-What are we doing?

-Were going to do a spot of contortionism.

What's contortionism?

It means you have to get into a small enclosed area,

a little box, like this one here.

-Think you can get inside that?

-No problem at all.

-Will it be enough to impress the judges?

-I think it will.

-Have you ever done anything like this before?

-On average, never.

In you get.

Squeeze it on down.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

JAZZY TRUMPET MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

MUSIC CONTINUES

-Miss Bracegirdle?

-Yes?

-Shall we not get on with our work, then?

There's very little point. You'll be gone by the morning.

THEY GASP

I'm just finishing off my report for the Megaboss tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?

-Tomorrow.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-We are in big trouble.

-You don't say.

-Yeah, I just said it then.

I know, I heard you.

Right, what we've got to do is get that report and destroy it.

Leave it with me, Mr Reeves.

All I need is this, and so she doesn't suspect I'm gone,

-you'll be needing this.

-Right.

-Ah!

-Aha!

-Yes!

-The penny drops.

-Good. Very good.

-Right, we'll need my spare hat. OK?

-Yeah.

Trust me, Mr Reeves, she won't suspect a thing.

'I don't know what those two are up to,

'but all they've been doing for weeks

'is wasting time messing around.'

Mr Reeves, welcome to the Ministry.

TUBA BLARES

BURPING

BREAKING WIND

-Now, you look here!

-You look here!

-You look here!

-I'll make sure you never work in this ocean again!

-PHRRT!

I feel quite...

I've just been for a poo.

And I love you, too.

BREAKING WIND

THEY LAUGH

'What's he doing down there?'

Mr Reeves, at this rate I'm going to run out of pages in my book.

I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just here having a quiet

game of chess with my good friend, Captain Length-Width.

Oh, are you?

Except, there's something wrong with this picture, isn't there?

I don't know what you mean.

This is my good friend, Captain Length-Width, and not a tuba.

-You don't even know how to play chess!

-Yes, I do!

Well, what are the pieces called, then?

Well, erm, this one is Rachel, and this one is Clive,

and this one is LaShunda!

TUBA PARPS

# Now you look here. #

TUBA PARPS A MELODY

It is impossible to do my job in this ridiculous place.

'The report book is almost full.

'There have been so many misdemeanours.

'Mr Megaboss, I take great pleasure in enclosing this final

'chapter of my report, Mr Reeves' top ten wrongdoings.

'At number ten, we were researching bravery,

'and we'd just found out that Joan of Arc had led the French army

'to many victories while still in her teens.

'Mr Reeves decided to interview the young warrior, a good idea indeed -

'had he not handled it so badly.'

-Ah, hello. Are you Mr Of Arc?

-I'm Joan's father, yes.

Could I have a word with her, please?

Oh, no, no, no. She's grounded. She's not allowed visitors.

-Oh, please, come on, please!

-All right, five minutes.

-ROCK MUSIC FROM BEDROOM Joan!

-What?

There's some strange goblin here to see you.

You get down here this minute, young lady!

You can't speak to me like that! I'm a saint!

They wouldn't have made you a saint if they had to live with you.

-What?

-I wondered if I could talk to you about your bravery.

Don't think so, mate. I don't talk to losers. I'm off out.

You're going nowhere. You are grounded.

But it's the Hundred Years' War, all my mates are going.

I don't care. Sit down.

All right, Grandad. You can "aks" me your questions,

but don't take too long, because Hollyoaks is on in a minute.

OK. So, what's life like being the bravest teenager in history?

Pretty sweet. When I'm not fighting with my crew and tings,

I'm just chillaxing.

Or listening to One Direction every hour of the day and night.

I don't listen to One Direction. Those boys are girls. I'm a warrior.

So, what do warriors listen to?

Dizzee Rascal, Tinie Tempah, that kind of a ting.

I know exactly that kind of...ting.

I'm very switched on to that sort of groove.

-Specifically what?

-Busy Biscuit.

-Dizzee Rascal, you mean?

-Yes.

You are such a liar,

making out that you like my music in order to impress me.

-Liar!

-Yeah?

You're the liar, cos you really, really, really,

really like One Direction.

Nah! I... What are you talking about? They are losers!

You won't mind if I do this, then!

-Ooh, look!

-It's just a poster, who cares?

-Sorry about that!

-Don't even care.

-Look what's happened to him!

-That's fine.

No! Harry!

'So, that's number ten, winding up Joan of Arc.'

Er, Miss Bracegirdle?

Yes?

You know when you're not writing in that report book,

-where do you keep it?

-Why do you ask?

Just wanted to know about your interests and that, you know.

Well, writing a report that may get you fired does happen to be one of

my favourite ever hobbies,

and when I'm not writing it, I keep it...

Right here beside me.

That's interesting. Maybe we can talk about...

your emotions.

-What do you mean?

-Your feelings and that, you know?

-I don't get it.

-What makes you happy, what makes you sad.

Trying to steal the report book - that's going in the report book.

'Of course, this is not first time Captain Length-Width

'has tried to take something of mine.

'We'd discovered that fans of a famous ballerina had cooked

'her ballet shoes with a special sauce and eaten them.

'The fact inspired Mr Reeves... unfortunately.'

# I'm just cooking up shoes

# Just cooking up shoes

# Sandals and slingbacks

# Just cooking up shoes

# Add a little salt and a little bit of pepper

# A little bit of parsley will make them taste better

# Cooking up shoes

# I'm cooking up shoes

# Just cooking up shoes

# Boil and bake them

# Nice and fragrant add a little bacon

# This leather is patent

# Just cooking up shoes

# Just cooking up shoes

# Cooking shoes

# Cooking. #

'They were my best shoes!

'When researching curious competitions,

'we found an ugly dog contest.

'All Mr Reeves could focus on was the prize money.'

Well, allow me to introduce you to the revolting face which is

going to win ME that 1,000.

The soon-to-be winner, my hideous dog, Simon Davenport.

Look, there he is there. Makes you want to heave, doesn't it?

-That's not a dog.

-That is a dog.

It's the ugliest dog in the universe.

-It's a pig in a wig.

-It's not, it's a dog!

-It's just a pig.

-Pig with a wig on.

Now you look here, Mr Reeves, I like as much fun as the next man,

but trying to pass off that pig in a wig as the ugliest

dog in the world is going to far. I don't know how you sleep at night.

-You look here.

-You look here.

-You look here!

-That is a pig!

-It is a doggy-woggy!

-Piggy-wiggy!

-This is a dog!

He's right, you know. That's a pig in a wig.

Ha ha! From a dog!

'A prime example of the chaos caused by Mr Reeves.

'More confusion. We were looking into clever children.

'Mr Reeves should have invited Gregory Smith,

'the Nobel Peace Prize nominee to the Ministry,

'but Geoffrey Smith, Frozen Pea Prize-winner arrived instead.'

I'm here now, you know,

so if anybody has got any questions that they'd like to ask me...

I'm a giant, talking frozen pea, and you've got nothing!

It took me three buses to get here! Three!

And... You know what?

He was only nominated, your bloke. He didn't win.

I was voted frozen pea most likely to succeed!

Good day!

That's not going to work.

I shall leave the way I came in.

With grace, dignity and style. Goodbye.

Good day. Good day to you.

-That was awkward.

-Yes, it was. He left a damp patch on the seat.

-I think he's starting to defrost.

-I think so. Very awkward.

'So that was number seven, another badly executed idea,

'much like the plan to steal my report book with a fishing rod.'

I'm sorry, Mr Reeves, I was convinced that was going to work.

-No, she's good.

-She's one of the best.

-I know.

-Were going to have to think of something cleverer.

-Good idea.

Right, come on.

Miss Teaparty, have you got anything,

ANYTHING on how to steal report books?

No, I'm so sorry.

Lovett, any ideas?

I'm sorry, Mr Reeves, I just can't find anything.

Length-Width, what have you got in your handbag?

Just some old house candles. What have you got in your handbag?

Same thing, just old house candles.

Reeves! That's not house candles, that's... BOOM!

-Where did you get that from?

-From the shop by the quarry.

Right, here's what we do.

THEY WHISPER

-BOOM!

-Got it?

Good idea. Good idea.

-No, no!

-Ah!

THEY SNIGGER

Er, Miss Bracegirdle, seeing as we're parting company,

we have clubbed together

and bought you a lovely pack of scented candles for your booth.

I shall have them sent up immediately.

-THEY WHISPER:

-She fell for it.

-Brilliant!

-Right, now swap the candles.

-Swap them.

-Right, OK.

-You take them up there.

-I'll take them up there.

-Go, go.

-I'll get rid of the real candles.

-Good idea.

EXPLOSION!

-Any other ideas?

-No.

'Continuing my countdown of Ministry wrongdoings...

'When researching chocolate,

'we discovered the most expensive chocolate dessert costs £22,000.'

DOORBELL RINGS

Lovely choccy dessert waiting for you in B7, Mr Reeves.

Would you take a look at that?

'Mr Reeves bought one and pranced around with the pudding,

'wasting time and money.'

# Today, today, today is my birthday

# And I'm going out for an ice cream sundae

# Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yumma

# Tra-la-la-la-la-la, et cetera

# Chunky, crumbley ice cream sundae

# Better watch out cos I am hungry

# Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yumma

# Tra-la-la-la-la-lee, et ceteree

# Here comes a waiter with the cheque

# Oi, oi, oi, I'm gonna be sick!

# Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya

# Ahoy hoy hoy hoy and a pom pom pom. #

£22,000 for chocolate pudding?!

You're 'aving a laff, int'ya?

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

'Fact number five,

'when researching cat facts,

'Mr Reeves caused kitty chaos at the airport.'

Oh, hello, sir, how may I help you?

Vic Reeves, Ministry of Curious Stuff.

Could you tell me about Pet Airways?

Well, Pet Airways is an American company that specialises

exclusively in the air transportation of pets.

-And do you get many cats flying with you?

-Yes, we do.

In fact, we've got a very famous cat flying with us today.

Cream Puff from Texas.

The oldest recorded cat at 38 years and 3 days.

CAT SCREECHES

Careful there, she is a grisly old thing. She will go for you.

-Out of my way!

-Look out, this is one seriously spoiled cat.

-What do you call that?!

-I'm sorry, is there a problem?

-Hello, hi, hi.

I am Willow's agent. We just found this in your airport restaurant.

Willow will only drink water that is at room temperature.

This, too warm. If both of you could chill it, that would be great.

-Willow would appreciate that.

-I want my fish. I had a fish. I want it.

-You, stupid looking bald cat! Bring it to my face now.

-Get it yourself!

-GASPS

-Mr Reeves!

'Only four spots left in the top ten wrongdoings for my report.

'Thanks to those two, I am spoiled for choice.'

-OVER LOUDSPEAKER:

-'Lunch will now be served in the Ministry canteen.'

-Welcome to the Ministry canteen.

-Hello, hi. Hi, Mrs Dollop.

SHOUTING: It's Do-lope!

SWEETLY: What can I get you sweetheart?

-I'll just have a sandwich.

-Lovely.

SHOUTING: Tony! Sandwich!

-Oo, oo...

-Sandwich!

Did you know, the sandwich was invented

so that John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, could continue

playing cards whilst having a snack?

I kid you not.

Oo! Oo!

Are you winding me up, Tony?! That is not a sandwich.

No, it's a mobile phone.

Oo-oo-oo-oo!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Gordon Ramsay?

SHE MOUTHS

I knew you would call. Once you realised how much you needed me.

I... I...

OOORGH!

I'm sorry, the kitchen is closed for training.

SCREAMS: Tony!

Oo, oo, oo!

-Length-Width, we need to get that report.

-I know.

-Why don't you do that thing you do with your arm?

-OK.

What thing?

You know the thing you do when you are trying to reach for an owl?

-I will give it a go.

-Do it.

HE STRAINS

-Are you there yet?

-No!

Not yet, not yet.

I know. I said to him... Hang on a moment.

Grab it. Aaargh!

-What was that?

-She hit me.

-Blimey, she's got some strength.

-I felt that myself.

-No, you didn't!

'At number four, we were about to begin researching toilets

'but Mr Reeves burst into his tasteless toilet tribute song.'

# The smallest room

# The place of easement

# A place of concealment

# The lavatory

# Dunny, bog or restroom

# John, can and khazi

# It's the finale

# Of yesterday's sausage

# Then it's a flush, flush, farewell, my friends

# You're going off around the bends

# Round the bends and away, my friends

# Straight to the bowels of the earth. #

Farewell, my friends. Stay in touch.

'And at number three, the time Mr Reeves hurled an employee

'down a hole he had created in the middle of the Ministry.'

Length-Wiiiiiidth! Length-Width, there you are.

I wonder if you would be so kind as to help me conduct an experiment.

Mr Reeves, I would love to.

-OK, I would like you to take this, please.

-OK.

Now, whaaargh...!

And don't forget to take a note of how long it takes!

..aaargh...!

42 minutes. Extraordinary.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-What the didgeree dunk's going on here?

Wait a minute. Captain Length-Width?

-I thought you were on holiday.

-Mr Reeves, is that you?

No, Mick Cleeves, mate.

Head of the Ministry of Curious Stuff, Australian branch.

And you're not our Captain Length-Width.

I can tell by the peculiar Dutch accent you've got there.

Wait a minute, let me guess,

you're a Captain Length-Width from another branch

-and you fell through the centre of the Earth.

-How did you know that?

It happens more than you think, mate.

Let me introduce you to the rest of the team.

-Over here, we've got Beach Patty.

-G'day, mate.

-Hello.

-Lockhead there.

-All right.

This lovely creature over here is Dingo Sniffer.

-Get back to work, you flaming galahs.

-That's my wife.

-Is she?

Length-Width! Length-Width! Length-Width!

'And Mr Reeves wasted much of the working day

'shouting into a massive hole.'

What are we going to do? We need to get that report book.

Mr Reeves, I am at a loss. Although, no, it's too...

No, what were you going to say?

-Well, there's...

-What?

-There's the experimental military bagpipes.

-No!

-I know it's a long shot.

-But they're still in testing.

I know they're not developed, Mr Reeves.

-What other choice have we got?

-Desperate times. Desperate measures.

Bring the experimental bagpipes.

HE WHISTLES

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Bagpipes, come!

BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Bagpipes, come!

-Bagpipes, come!

-Come, bagpipes, come!

-Come!

Bagpipes, sit!

Bagpipes, sit!

Sit down!

-Sit, bagpipes, sit!

-Sit!

BAGPIPE MUSIC STOPS

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Now, listen, Kenny.

-What does Kenny stand for?

Nothing, that's just his name.

Listen, Kenny, we need you to fly up into that booth,

fly up there and get the report book.

BOTH: Bagpipes, fly!

BAGPIPES PLAY BOTH: Bagpipes, fly.

It's working! It's working! Millions of dollars of research.

Right, issue the command.

Bagpipes, retrieve the report book!

-It doesn't understand the command.

-We have overloaded the circuit.

-He's going to blow.

-He's going to blow!

EXPLOSION!

Oh-ho-ho! Nice try, Mr Reeves. You've really done it this time.

'They just tried the experimental military bagpipes.

'It didn't work.

'At number two, it's bogeys.

'I found a most interesting fact about Scarlett Johansson auctioning

'her snotty hankie for charity and what did Mr Reeves do?

'He spent all afternoon showing off his revolting bogey museum

'and he brought it all back to the Ministry.'

# Bogeys, bogeys, we love bogeys

# Here at headquarters, we're supporters of bogeys

# Sweet, sweet bogeys

# Poke it and pick it, roll it and flick it, them bogeys

# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey

# Oh, yeah!

# Bogeys, bogeys, we love bogeys

# Here at the Ministry, there's always possibility of bogeys

# Sweet, sweet bogeys

# Poke it and pick it, roll it and flick it, them bogeys

# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey, yeah

-# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey-bogey

-Ah, roll it!

-# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey-bogey

-We'll flick it!

# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey-bogey

# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey-bogey

# Bogeys and snot balls, bigger than footballs

# We'll get them cooked up by Heston Blumenthal

# Bogeys! #

'And on the top spot, when researching superpowers,

'we found a super heat-generating monk

'and a man with a super memory

'but Mr Reeves unleashed his very own special power,

'super ridiculousness.'

Help, help.

Sounds like Grandpa Brown needs my help.

You see, the truth is, by day I am the curious Vic Reeves

but after 5:45, I become the superhero...

-..Bath Boy!

-DRAMATIC VOICEOVER:

-Bath Boy!

Able to run a nice hot bath with one single turn of the tap.

And now to save Grandpa Brown.

Right, Grandpa Brown, let's get that heavy book off you

-and you into a nice piping hot bath.

-Stand back!

This is a job for Captain Ham.

Able to locate the cheapest ham within a three-mile radius.

Now, out of my way!

Don't worry, I'll set you free

and then I'll get you down to the corner shop on Essex Road.

59p for 12 slices of wafer thin honey-glazed ham.

Hey, I was here first!

Now, you look here, this man here doesn't need ham.

What he needs is a nice piping hot bath.

-Never fear!

-BATH BOY AND CAPTAIN HAM GASP

Garment Boy is here, able to tell where you got your garments from.

Ooh, nice trousers. Sunday market down the High Street, am I right?

-Now, look, we were here first.

-Oh, what on earth are you both wearing?

-This is a job for...

-THEY ALL GASP

..Doctor Sausage Pocket,

the man with infinite pockets of sausages.

Want one? It's all right, I've got loads.

ALL: We don't want your sausages! CAPTAIN HAM: We've already...

Wait! Look!

He's gone!

But how did he get free?

How did he get free?

From Shovel Hands Woman. That's how.

Thanks, Shovel Hands Woman. You saved my life.

-How can I ever repay you?

-You can tie my shoelaces for me.

I don't stand a chance with these bad boys!

THEY ALL LAUGH

'And those are the top ten wrongdoings for your consideration.'

-What are we going to do?

-What you talking about?

Well, this canteen menu, I mean, there's nothing to eat in here.

-I am absolutely starving.

-Well, it's not bad, really.

Look, for instance, here, a pompidoodle-cost.

-What's a pompidoodle-cost?

-£2.50!

THEY LAUGH

-Or look here. A dumpy-do.

-What's a dumpy-do?

It sits on the plate, looks at you till you eat it.

THEY LAUGH

But, seriously, we have to get that report book

before she goes to see the Megaboss and gets us all fired.

-Mr Reeves!

-I've not finished.

-Mr Reeves!

-Not now!

-Oh, Mr Reeves!

-Not now!

-She's gone!

THEY GASP

I finished my report early. I thought I'd take it to the Megaboss now.

I wouldn't want anything to happen to it before it gets delivered.

No, you wouldn't want anything to happen to that, would you? Oh!

-I do apologise. So sorry. Here.

-Thank you.

I'll take this to the Megaboss right away.

I have to say, this has been a pleasure.

Not! Ha-ha-ha!

-I'll see you two tomorrow. Ha-ha!

-Good night.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-We did it! Yes!

-We did it!

-Wooh-hooh!

-Yes!

-Hee-hee-hee!

-The only problem now is,

I've got no idea what to have for dinner.

-How about a pompidoodle-cost?

-What's a pompidoodle-cost?

-About £2.50.

-THEY LAUGH

Thanks, everybody. Excellent work.

We might just have a job to come back to in the morning.

Miss Bracegirdle is going to look pretty silly turning up

at the Megaboss's office with a canteen menu and not a report book.

She sure will, kid. She sure will.

Next time on the Ministry of Curious Stuff, Mr Reeves

and Captain Length-Width come face-to-face with the Megaboss.

You're the Megaboss?

How will Bracegirdle present her report

armed only with the canteen menu?

For starters,

prawn cocktail!

Will Mr Reeves and Captain Length-Width save the Ministry?

Probably not.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd