Episode 13 Ministry Of Curious Stuff

PHONE RINGS

Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff we explore any subject

you desire and deliver top-quality curious facts.

In hand, our dedicated team - Lovett, Teaparty,

Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls

and, of course, Captain Length-Width.

That's Miss Bracegirdle.

She has been sent by Head Office to investigate our work

and compile a report.

If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the ministry down.

Let's not dillydally, there is lots to do.

Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

Previously on The Ministry Of Curious Stuff...

'Bracegirdle spent her last day finishing her report

'for the Megaboss.

'After several failed attempts to destroy it...

'..Mr Reeves managed to swap the report.'

-Here.

-Thank you.

'Bracegirdle has gone to the Megaboss armed only with the canteen menu.'

We did it! Yes!

'Is it enough to save the ministry?'

-Good morning, Mr Reeves.

-Morning, Mr Reeves.

Would you like to hear the headlines, Mr Reeves?

Mr Reeves, what ever is the matter?

Well, today is the day I have to go and face the Megaboss

and if Bracegirdle has her way, then we are all fired

and the ministry is shut down.

Yes, but she won't be quite so dangerous without her report.

Ah, yes.

PHONE RINGS

That will be the Megaboss.

-Hello, sir.

-'Mr Reeves, is that you?'

-Is that you, Length-Width?

-Yes, it's me.

-What are you doing on the line?

Well, I know you're expecting a very important call from the Megaboss

so I thought I would just check the phone line was working.

Yes, well, get off the line, thank you.

OK, thank you, bye-bye, see you soon. Bye.

PHONE RINGS

Will you get off the line, you turnip!

Er, hello, sir.

Yes, I'll be there right away. Yes, thank you.

-Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

It has been a great honour to have worked for you, Mr Reeves.

Thanks a lot, Lovett. Come on.

Glad to see you and your pet have decided to turn up at long last.

You will be pleased to hear that I have got my report here.

Yes, well, I'm sure the Megaboss will be very interested to see that.

Oh, he will.

-DEEP MENACING VOICE:

-When you've quite finished.

I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, Victor Reeves.

Isn't that the boy from the space bedroom?

The smallest NASA specialist in the world.

Ken Millet, you are the Megaboss?!

-DEEP MENACING VOICE:

-The world's smallest...

-LITTLE BOY'S VOICE:

-..Megaboss.

-I don't believe it.

-Well, it's true.

Now, Victor Reeves, it is time for me to hear this report.

If I find out you haven't been doing your job,

-I will have no choice but to close the ministry down.

-Yes!

-Sorry, what did he say? I wasn't listening.

-Let's get this over with.

Shall I begin?

For starters, prawn cocktail.

Soup of the day, carrot and coriander...

-No!

-Is this a joke?

Where is my precious report?

It looks like someone hasn't done their homework.

This isn't the report I slaved over. This is the ministry canteen menu.

Oh, Miss Bracegirdle, I'm shocked.

Right. Well, seeing as we have got nothing to talk about,

I'm sure the Megaboss has got much better things to be...

Sit down, Victor!

Bracegirdle, I'm sure we can do without the report.

Start talking...and put me down for soup of the day.

Yes, Mr Megaboss.

Where shall I begin?

We were researching smells and had just discovered that ambergris,

or whale vomit, was used in perfumes and aftershaves.

Are you telling me that there is whale sick in my Growl For Men?

I need to investigate this further. Back in a jiffy.

-He just ran off, Mr Megaboss.

-I was going to find out about ambergris.

As I said, Mr Megaboss, he disappeared from the workplace.

-It was research!

-Really? Or shopping?

Oh, hello, sir, my name is Grace.

Vic Reeves, Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

Oh, yeah, you'd have to speak to my supervisor, Vince. Vince!

-How may I be of assistance today, madam?

-Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

-Ah.

-Is it true you have been using whale sick in your perfumes

and aftershaves?

Indeed it is, sir, but ambergris, or whale vomit,

has been used in perfumes for years.

-It makes the scent of the perfume last longer.

-Do you use it?

Don't be daft, I'm a whale. It's whale sick, it's disgusting.

-It makes me want to vomit!

-Interesting. It gives me an idea.

-Thanks for your time, sir.

-And we know what that idea was, don't we?

-A gift for you, Miss Bracegirdle.

-Are you floating?

-Yeah, it's mad, isn't it?

-Thanks, Mr Reeves, you shouldn't have.

-No, you shouldn't have.

-It's ambergris, it's the latest pong.

Oh, let's have a smell.

-It's actually rather nice.

-Yes, it's whale sick.

-What? Whale sick?

He said it's WELL sick. You know, like the young people say?

-It's well good, you know.

-I don't take bribes, now float off.

Don't think I've forgotten that and there is more. Have a look at this.

That chair was thought to be used by men guarding 10 Downing Street

in the 19th century.

They had hot coals under the seat to keep them warm.

These two decided to make their own chairs and waste ministry time.

Captain Length-Width, what are your first impressions of the chair?

I've got to say I'm liking it, Mr Reeves.

It's warm, it's comfortable and it is a real conversation piece.

What about you?

The thing I like about it the most is that you can do this.

HORN HONKS

Get out.

Yeah, I know what you mean, that's my favourite bit too.

HORN BLARES

Get out, yourself.

HORN HONKS

HORN BLARES

HORN HONKS

HORN BLARES

Yes, all right, we get the idea.

You've both got big loud horns. Very good. Well done.

-Shall we get on with some work?

-Yes, of course, carry on.

Right. So, let me tell you, did you know that Downing Street...?

HORNS DROWN OUT MISS BRACEGIRDLE

Did you know...?

Right, that's it!

LAUGHTER

-Playtime is over.

-Spoilsport.

-See what I mean, Mr Megaboss?

Total clowns. Honestly, I don't know how they manage to

-tie their shoelaces in the morning.

-I find slip-ons easiest.

-I actually just go without laces.

-Nice.

Seriously though, let's get on with it.

Oh, I've got plenty more, Mr Megaboss.

Mr Reeves is always taking risks.

That's the Koh-i-Noor Diamond that sits in the Queen's crown

and was said to hold a curse for any man who wears it.

-I say, I really, really want it.

-Yeah, well, you can't have it.

-But I want it.

-Can't have it!

Come on, let's get out of here

-before we both do something we regret.

-Yes, yes.

Don't look at it.

Well, that was lovely, wasn't it?

Whoa! What's that doing on your head?

-Well, I made it quite clear that I wanted it.

-What about the curse?

Oh, don't be...

-What curse?

-We're going to have to get rid of that diamond.

They should have taken it back, Mr Megaboss,

but they tried to palm it off on some man called Trevor.

BOTH: Hoi-hoi, Trevor.

-All right, lads, how you doing?

-Trevor, you are a market tradesman,

-would swap a kestrel for that massive diamond?

-Are you joking?

A kestrel for a diamond, mate? Not a chance.

# Diamonds aren't for Trevor

# He finds them unappealing

# Boring, not worth stealing

# He says they are just gravel

# With no right to dazzle the ladies

# Diamonds aren't for Trevor

# He says they are jumped-up little pebbles

# Trevor prefers kestrels

# And this is why... #

-Hey, isn't that you, Bracegirdle?

-Don't be ridiculous.

# ..Trevor, the grocer from Leicester

# Has never and never will wed. #

And that's not all.

I think you're going to want to see this, Mr Megaboss.

-They think they are so clever but nothing gets past me.

-A party?

Wheesht, lad!

-HE WHISPERS:

-Don't tell Bracegirdle that we're having a party

-in the ministry or we will all be in big trouble.

-Got it.

-Good.

-Mr Reeves, what are you whispering about?

-We are having a party later.

-Oh, are we having a party?

-Wheesht, lass!

-HE WHISPERS:

-We're having a party later but don't let Bracegirdle know

or we will all be in big trouble.

-SHE WHISPERS:

-Oh, right. Hurray.

-SHE WHISPERS:

-Mr Reeves?

-HE WHISPERS:

-Yes, mistress?

-SHE WHISPERS:

-I can hear you.

-Pardon?

-I said I can hear you.

And you mark my words, if you throw a party on ministry property,

there will be big trouble.

-But, of course, you went ahead and had a party.

-It wasn't a party.

-HE WHISPERS:

-It IS a party.

Oh, but, Mr Reeves, we learned quite a lot at that party.

Yeah, you are right, Length-Width,

we learned that burping after eating in the Far East is polite.

THEY BURP

And in the 16th century,

the Church told people to use their natural fork - the hand.

Right. Well, I'll leave him to it then.

He's from the 16th century.

And that it is good manners in China

to refuse a second helping several times before accepting it.

Leave this one to me. Mr Confucius, would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

-Would you like some more meatballs?

-No.

Right, that's it, party's over, I think we've all had enough

meatballs and it has ruined the atmosphere.

They also ruined things

for this next visitor to the ministry, Mr Megaboss.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Head teacher, arriving in X1.

When a craze for saying a certain word swept through a school

in Massachusetts, this head teacher banned pupils from using it.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-It just got out of hand.

They were saying this irritating word every minute of every day

but I said it's my school and my rules, so I banned it.

Just in time, believe me,

because after a while, these kids just saying this word again

and again and again and again and again and again,

it had started to drive some of the teachers round the bend. But not me.

MANIC LAUGHTER

-So what was the word?

-The word was...

-The word was meep.

-Meep.

-Meep?

-Yes.

-And what does meep mean?

-I don't think meep...

-Meep.

..m-m-meeps anything, I mean, means anything.

-Meep.

-Why say meep?

-Meep.

-Meep.

Could you ask your staff not to use that word, please?

Yes, of course I could. Could everybody stop saying meep, please?

Nobody say meep any more. Although it is rather fun saying it.

Meep, meep. It is a lot of fun actually.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

I find it very irritating.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

-Meep.

Stop it!

Stop saying that silly word!

OK, right, this is not looking impressive

but have you seen our curiously clever kids?

Hello, everyone!

We found out that world-famous composer Mozart

started writing music when he was five.

-All right, mini-Mozart, what are you up to?

-Just knocking up a new song!

-Lovely!

-Do you want me to write you a song?

-Me? Really?

-Sure, give me a subject.

-Uh...cupcakes.

# Cupcakes, cupcakes We love the taste of cupcakes! #

Absolute genius!

And there was the child who performed his first surgery

-aged seven.

-Tropical juice.

Now that's impressive, eh?

No, have a look at this.

It wasn't very impressive when you left the Ministry

and took over the phone line run by the world's youngest agony aunt!

Go bowling and have a hot mug of milk. Thanks for calling!

-Hi, I'm Vic Reeves and I wondered if...

-I will call you back.

Go on then, shoot, what is the problem?

-Great, you see, there is this woman where I work...

-Uh-huh, yeah.

She has got it in for me. She treats me like an idiot.

Uh...huh.

I just wondered if you knew what to do to get her off my case.

-Go bowling and have a hot mug of milk.

-How is that going to help?

Ooh, is that the time? Do us a favour, fill in for us,

-could you? Cheers.

-I'm not qualified!

Just tell them to go bowling and have a hot mug of milk,

that usually does the trick.

-Thanks, bye!

-But...

What does all this lot do then?

RINGING

Hello, Elena Hotline, how can I help you?

Hello, yes, I have just eaten my boss's secret biscuit collection.

How can I reverse time so it never actually happened?

-Um...go bowling and have a hot cup of milk?

-Thank you.

RINGING

Hello, Elena Hotline, how can I help you?

Yes, I'm worried that the people I work with have started to notice

that I don't actually have a real moustache. What can I do?

Well, the best thing to do is probably go bowling

and have a hot mug of milk.

OK, thank you.

RINGING

Hello, Elena Hotline, how can I help you?

-I have a very serious problem.

-And what is that?

If you don't get back here sooner than immediately

it is going in the report!

And what did he do when he got back to work, Mr Megaboss?

# The children are the future

# We'll have massive hats and pointed shoes

# Kids from time to come have magnetic hands, let me introduce

# A child from tomorrow, yeah

# Look at them run

# A child of the future Played flutes made from sausages

# Wear clothes made from pottery And ride around on ostriches

# A child from tomorrow, yeah

# The children are the future, yeah

# There's nothing that we can do

# It's the future of me and you

# They've got massive hats

# And pointed shoes!

# Children are the future, yeah! #

And the chaos doesn't end there. Just look at this.

We get a visit from the Queen and this is how it is handled.

-Jam sandwiches.

-Over there, Mr Reeves.

-Excellent. Red carpet?

Check. I have just finished painting the blue one red.

How exciting, I can't believe that we are actually going to meet

the Queen. This is the most exciting day of my life.

Actually, the second most exciting day of my life.

There was this one time making the marvellous pie...

TRUMPET FANFARE

Right, she is here, everybody stay calm.

'This is Her Majesty's inaugural visit to the Ministry.

'Let's hope this goes well.

'She has been greeted by the Minister Of Curious Stuff, Mr Reeves.

'Renowned for being peculiar, as you can see.

'Oh dear, moving her handbag there to signal that she is ready to move on.

'Ah, there is the very stylish Miss Teaparty.

'The handbag arm switch again. Showing Her Majesty has had enough.

'Next is Mr Lovett,

'a senior researcher at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.

'And if I am not much mistaken, yes,

'that is the handbag code for "feed me jam."

'I am not sure who this next person is,

'but he does seem very enthusiastic.

'Oh dear, wafting the handbag, looking at my codebook,

'it signals the smell of onions. Yes, the Minister is confirming it there.

'And just at the end there, Captain Norman Length-Width,

'I am not sure what he is captain of exactly.

'Oh, it is the handbag windmill. This is a disaster.

'A footman clearly angry there.

'Yes, that is the Queen very quickly whisked away.'

-What's all that about?

-I don't know, Mr Reeves, what does that mean?

I don't know, I will look in the

Queen's secret handbag codebook to find out.

It says here, "I am offended by that man's trousers."

Whose trousers?

It couldn't be my trouser, cos I don't know if any of you have noticed

-but I am not wearing any trousers.

-I know, shocking!

And I think you will be

particularly interested in this piece of evidence.

Offending Royalty is one thing,

but spreading rumours about my bodily aromas was quite another.

This graffiti needs sorting out and if you don't do it, I will.

-The culprit must be found.

-All right!

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-I am Chief Detective Fowler

of the Leeds, Lowestoft and Los Angeles NYPD.

I hear there has been a dirty crime committed here.

Let me see the offence in question.

Ah, this appears to be the work of Sleep Doodler.

Due to my investigations,

I can confirm that the Sleep Doodler is in fact...

..somebody in this room.

-Paint!

-Or is it?

Further investigation reveals that this is not paint, but gravy.

Gravy?

Yes, in a shocking twist, I can reveal that the Sleep Doodler

is also a sleepy chef.

Someone who cooks in the night!

I am not a midnight chef, you have no proof.

Oh, yeah? How about this, taken last night?

AMERICAN ACCENT: OK, you've got me!

I'll come clean. I'm the Midnight Chef!

I cook when I am asleep.

Breakfast, lunch, a steak dinner - you name it, I've cooked it.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to!

Why are you American?

It just seemed appropriate because of...

A-ha! I knew it! I told you it was him! Case closed, Mr Megaboss.

Don't stop there, Bracegirdle. There is more. Look!

You are absolutely right.

Apart for one thing.

ALL: What?

You are absolutely and completely wrong.

-Who did it then?

-Somebody who has been under our nose this whole time.

ALL: Who?

-You!

-Ha-ha-ha! All, right, OK!

SHE SCREAMS

And what makes you think I would climb a ladder

-and write offensive graffiti about myself in my sleep?

-Well, this!

That's a fake! Camera trickery, special effects!

The paintbrush is still in your hand!

-All lies!

-It is true, Mr Megaboss!

-Really! Mr Reeves!

-Look!

-Do you think we have bored him to death?

-Miss Bracegirdle probably has.

-He's having his nap, you fools!

-Did I nod off?

-It is listening to you lot yakking on.

-She started it.

-I most certainly did not.

-It was him then.

-Now you look here!

Here they go again.

# Now you look here!

# Now you look here!

# I've been suffering your shenanigans for years!

-# Now you look here!

-Now you look here!

# My salary is a decade in arrears!

# Now you look here!

# Now you look here!

# You're a proper stinker I do declare!

-# Now you look here

-Now you look here!

# Why do you have to be so cavalier?

-# Now you look here

-Now you look here!

# I couldn't find a better friend elsewhere!

-# Now you look here

-Now you look here!

# Let's dance away the days like Fred Astaire! #

Where's he gone?

Playtime.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Right, you horrible lot! I've got a deal with the Spanish Ambassador,

a financial crisis to sort out

and then I've got dinner with the Prime Minister,

so let's get this all over with!

Don't worry, Mr Megaboss, this won't take too much longer!

Where do you get off being so mean?

Where do you get off being so bad at your job?

Now you look here! He may be average at his job, but bad he is not!

-No, I disagree.

-What do you mean "average"?

-Well, you are.

-Average?

-You are average!

Enough!

I've had it up to here with all of you!

You come in here, start bickering like school kids,

you've given me a right headache

and that is gonna ruin the dinner with the Prime Minister!

ALL: Sorry, Mr Megaboss.

It's too late for sorries, I've had enough!

I'm going to have to close the Ministry down!

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Now, look,

we may horse around, and we may mess about,

and I'll be the first to admit that I'm a total waste of money.

-We aren't paying him, are we?

-No, no, no.

But amongst all the joking, the jesting and the japing about,

we do actually discover some wonderfully curious stuff.

Take a look at this.

Did you know that King Charles XIII of France had a toilet built

under his throne, to receive visitors while he was using it?

And at 115 decibels, a baby's cry is louder than a car horn!

A bear's sense of smell is 2,000 times better than a human's

and in the Middle Ages in Germany,

people believed kissing a donkey relieved toothache!

Did you know that Prince Charles is a member of the Magic Circle?

The tooth-mouse collects children's teeth in parts of Europe,

and if there was a tunnel through the centre of the Earth,

it would take 42 minutes to travel from one end to the other?

The biggest diamond in the universe is 4,000 kilometres wide!

It's a white dwarf star called Lucy.

Some people climb dangerous heights in their sleep.

Ancient Romans had their armpits plucked,

and Great Barrier pearl fish can live in a sea cucumber's bottom!

Thanks to Mr Reeves, we now know

the Japanese used to have trumping competitions,

the speed of a sneeze is faster than a cheetah,

and the footprints on the moon are still there after 40 years

and they could be there for a million more!

And that's all thanks to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff!

Wow! That sure is a lot of curious stuff!

I'm impressed, Captain Length-Width!

Mr Reeves, you are a genius when it comes to the strange and peculiar.

Bracegirdle, you should stick with these two!

You could learn a lot, kid!

I'm pleased to announce that the Ministry will remain open.

Congratulations!

CHEERING

You're gonna love this!

# Onwards and up we go Riding on a golden glow together

# We'll find a way From Easter Island to Bombay... #

THEY SHOUT

What?

# ..Upwards and on and on By the grace of the sun

# Do remember

# It's one for all and all for one! #

Hello, I'm Ian Badminton!

What on earth are you both wearing?

Get back to work, you flamin' galahs!

LAUGHTER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd