Behind Closed Doors Newsround

Arguments. They can happen in any home, in any family -

maybe even yours.

It's normal for grown-ups in the family to argue sometimes.

But what happens when the bickering doesn't stop,

when things become really nasty?

Even violent?

It's known as domestic abuse or domestic violence,

and more often than not, it happens behind closed doors.

My parents argued all the time when I was a kid

and it made me feel upset and unsettled, but it's something

that happens in all families.

Grown-ups get tired, stressed about work and a bit grumpy.

Although it can be a bit upsetting, it's just a part of family life.

Adults know it's not nice to argue, and usually know when to stop.

Domestic abuse is different.

That's when an adult deliberately hurts or bullies

a grown-up in the family, or someone they went out with.

I know this happens between adults but that doesn't mean

that children aren't affected by it.

We know that hundreds of thousands of children witness grown-ups

in their lives hurting each other with words or violence every year.

It can happen to anyone.

Today, Alesha Dixon is a pop star and top judge

on TV talent shows, but when she was little,

she witnessed domestic violence first hand.

I remember walking in the house and my mum had a black eye,

and I remember saying to my mum,

and I don't know why I asked the question because I knew the answer,

but I still said, "How did you get that black eye?"

My mum said that she banged her head on the side of a cupboard.

I knew that she was lying, she didn't know what else to say.

She was obviously embarrassed.

I remember as a child being annoyed with the fact that she lied

when my brother and I could blatantly see what was going on.

My experience of domestic violence

started when I was about seven or eight years old

and went on for about two or three years.

It was my mum who experienced the violence and my brother and I

were aware that it was going on, and on occasion,

we also saw some of the violence too.

Me and my brother definitely were scared.

I think not knowing what could happen from one day to the next,

you're constantly living on edge. It just affects everything.

It affects your schoolwork, your mood, how you feel.

You're constantly worried - CONSTANTLY worried - for your mum.

You feel a mixture of feelings.

You feel angry, you feel frustrated, you feel scared, you feel hurt.

You feel all sorts of things.

It's a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders as a young child, you know?

I remember coming home one day and my mum's ex-partner had left the house.

He'd gone.

I'm thankful that my mum was strong enough to put an end to it.

There's a lot of people that keep this closed.

A lot of people don't say anything.

I would encourage people to talk, to say things.

Tell a friend, tell a teacher. Even if you've got the courage,

pick up the phone and call the police.

The more people that know, the more chance you have of ending it.

Honestly, hand on heart, I don't know another way for a violent situation

to end unless somebody has the courage to say something.

It definitely took me a long, long time to heal

and deal with the things I saw.

I remember being, teenage years becoming an adult

and still being haunted by that vision of my mum being attacked,

and I've definitely worked through it.

I'm definitely at a point now where I can hopefully help other people

that are in that situation,

people that have been through that situation,

and say, look, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You can live a great life. You can have a fantastic life.

You can have healthy relationships, but it takes time,

nothing happens overnight.

Because domestic abuse happens behind closed doors at home,

people often find it difficult to tell people about it.

Even for someone as famous as Alesha,

it's still not easy to talk about.

For kids going through this kind of thing though,

there are people who can help.

Holly and Dean's mum was beaten up by her ex-boyfriend for years,

and when things got really bad, the children would call the police.

We've changed their names and disguised their voices

for their safety.

He was nice at first, everything was fine,

but then when we had another child together, that's when he changed.

The violence started then. Just overnight it happened.

I never expected it.

He used to attack my mum, strangle her, hitting her.

There was screaming all the time.

It went on for about six or seven years, constantly.

I hated my mum's ex-boyfriend because he would hurt my mum

and jump on her, throw her about and everything.

He'd do it in front of us.

As they got older and the years went by,

he didn't care if he did it in front of the children.

Mainly it was in the house, behind closed doors.

Police emergency.

My mum's boyfriend's being aggressive.

I was in my bedroom and it was the early hours of the morning.

I heard all the shouting so I'd woken up.

He's completely trashed the place.

He used to hit me. He'd lock the doors so I couldn't get out.

He'd take my phone off me so I wasn't able to phone no-one.

He'd just try and keep me cornered until he decided that he'd finished.

I knew to call them because mum was shouting.

"Stop it, get off me!" and "You're hurting me!"

The police are on the way already.

There's a couple of police officers on the way, all right?

They were telling me to calm down

and stay on the phone and just tell them what's happening.

All right, you're doing really, really well there.

I'll stay with you until they actually arrive.

When the police came, it would make the children feel safer

for a bit, but Holly and Dean knew

if things were really going to get better,

their mum had to put an end to her violent relationship for good.

I wanted her to leave him because of how vicious he was,

but I knew she didn't because she loved him and he got into her head.

I said, "If you don't end it with him, I'm going.

"I can't stay here with this any more,"

and that's when she finally left him.

Now I'm out of it and I look back,

I think, "Why the hell did I do that?"

"Why have I put up with it for so many years?"

But you do, and I don't know. I can't really say why.

Now Mum's ex has left, it's a happier place.

I do feel safer. I'm not as jumpy, but I still worry.

We are really close now, do more family things together

because he never wanted to do anything.

We go walking every Sunday somewhere nice.

There's loads of nice places round here to go walking,

in the hills and in the mud.

There's just loads of things to look forward to now.

It's like a new start.

There's nothing stopping us from being a family again.

Holly and her family are slowly getting their lives back together.

The police often get involved in cases of domestic violence

so I wanted to find out what actually happens

when a 999 call comes through.

It's Friday night and I'm spending some time

with the Metropolitan Police here in London to see just how many

homes they are called to to deal with domestic incidents.

In fact, one of the most common reasons people dial 999

is because they are being threatened or attacked by a member of their family.

I don't have to wait long before we're on the move.

It's estimated that across the country,

someone calls the police about domestic violence every minute.

The neighbours have heard

screaming and shouting coming from the flat.

That's about all we know at the moment.

The police officers hadn't been on duty for even a minute

before they got the first call of domestic violence.

We're just waiting for them

to come out and tell us what happened.

It's just an argument,

so there's nothing for anyone to be arrested for.

There's no children in the flat, they were just by themselves.

Quite often, there are children in the homes police are called to.

I guess, understandably, if children are witnessing

domestic violence, it would be difficult

to pick up the phone and call the police.

Calling police is the right thing to do

and their parents don't need to know it was them calling.

When we arrive, we can say it was a neighbour,

somebody that heard screaming and shouting.

Another call to the police has come in.

-Andy, where are we heading now?

-To another domestic.

Male and female, both drunk, as far as we know.

There really is no messing about.

If there's any call that comes through of domestic violence

the sirens are on and they're there.

First on scene and we'll go out and find out what's going on.

It's kind of strange standing here, wondering what's going on in there,

because you get a real sense of what the police have got to do.

They're in a house at the moment, they're in a flat,

dealing with this domestic incident, yet there are so many other windows

and so many things happening behind them,

that we're just not aware of until you get that call on the radio.

It's an eye-opener how big the problem of domestic violence is

in just one part of one city.

This call-out is more serious than the last

and the police have called for back-up.

OK, what we've had here is a male and female within a relationship.

They've had an argument and he's picked up a picture and an ornament

and thrown it around the flat so he's been arrested.

This is the kind of thing that you see on a regular basis?

Oh, yeah. This is very typical of a domestic violence call that we get.

It's crazy, isn't it?

When you are part of a family where fighting takes place,

it can seem like the grown-ups are never going to change.

Sometimes, they do.

Connor's dad realised that his behaviour was wrong

and was so ashamed of himself, he decided to do something about it.

We've hidden their identities to protect the family

as they start their new life.

It could happen anywhere, anytime.

The smallest of things could set me off.

Even just being asked a question, I would be too busy

doing what I was doing and I would go into a rage and mouth off.

The arguing was, like, really high pitched.

Lots and lots of shouting.

You always used to be lonely.

We did get locked in our room with a little bit of string round the door.

We always used to try and get out

because before my mum said that we used to...

walk out in the living room and play around

and then Dad didn't like it so he put a piece of string round the door.

They had no lives whatsoever

so everybody in the household was walking on eggshells.

I was like a ticking time bomb, really waiting to go off.

I never knew what was going on.

I didn't know what was going to happen next or anything.

I would just be sat on my bed or something just playing on DS,

ignoring it.

The argument at home made me behave bad like my dad.

I was always bullying other children, shouting at them.

Being angry with a woman or a child

would be a way of pulling them down to my level.

It's almost a punishment.

This is how I felt. This is how you should feel.

I thought it was my fault sometimes.

I always got shouted at and stuff.

It wasn't my fault.

Everybody got smacked and screamed and shouted at

and I thought it was all normal.

My dad told me that "I got far worse than that."

I thought it was acceptable, and it's not acceptable. Not at all.

Connor's dad knew what he was doing was wrong and that it had to stop,

so he found the right people to help him change his behaviour.

He said he was going to change

and I didn't believe him at the time

but then he actually did.

I could see a pattern.

I lost my wife, I thought I don't want to lose my partner

and I didn't want to lose my children.

That's why I wanted the help.

I feel ashamed of what I've done

and it makes you feel sick to your stomach to think of the way I was.

He's really, really much better.

I want to move on and just keep doing well.

Nothing's perfect but it's 1,000 times better than what it was.

My dad is the most important part of my family.

I'm pleased that he's changed and I'm just happy.

It's really tough to talk about domestic violence.

It's something most adults just don't want to discuss,

but the stories of Holly and Dean, Connor and his dad, and Alesha,

show us there are ways to get through it.

If domestic violence is happening in your family,

there are people who can help.

Don't be afraid to ask an adult you trust for help.

More information is on the Newsround website.

And remember, all families argue sometimes,

but domestic violence is different.

I would encourage people to talk, to say things.

Tell a friend, tell a teacher, because the more people that know,

the more chance you have of ending it.

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