Episode 6 Nowhere Boys

If we don't exist, we don't have to follow any boring rules.

We can do anything we want.

Whoa. Lucky we don't exist.

I'll be here all day.

There was a break and enter at Bremin High last weekend.

-You know anything about that?

-No.

That cop. He's my dad.

Our non-existence has changed this world.

In the old world, your mother was single and your father was a loser.

So, by being born, I ruined both my parents' lives, yeah?

Hey!

You were with the guy from the bus. He saved my life.

This is very special. It can protect against elemental attacks.

There's a swarm of killer alien bees right outside that door.

The Divinity of the Elements, I invoke Thee.

Tonight, cher Gary, I offer you des haricots baked.

-How's your mum?

-She's fine.

Anyone else, you know, on the scene?

How're you going to cook when they cut your gas off?

Mate, the thing you gotta learn is every obstacle is an opportunity.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Mum.

Come in.

I am working ten-hour shifts just to cover the rent.

And his feet are growing so fast,

I've got to buy him runners every four months.

You want to stay for tea?

Gary, I know there's a yeast content in beer,

but I wouldn't exactly call it food.

Come on. It's all very a la carte here.

I can offer you baked beans with salt or baked beans without.

I just need you to pay your share, OK?

Jake, come on.

Yeah, well I've got a couple of irons in the fire.

Well, you'd better take 'em out before the house burns down.

-See ya, Dad.

-Yeah, see you, mate.

You want to get some takeaway on the way home?

POLICE RADIO CHATTER

Get down. It's the cops.

You were right.

By being born, I wrecked my parents' lives.

I didn't put it like that exactly,

and anyway, change isn't necessarily better.

-Really?

-Well...

Cops have notorious cholesterol and hypertension issues.

And in a survey I read,

real estate agents rated below telemarketers in trustworthiness.

OK, all clear.

I can't believe it's come to this. Other people's rubbish?

You've been a great help, Sam. Really, don't put yourself out.

Dude, if you want a whole heap of useless junk, that's your business.

This isn't junk. Did you know that in this country,

we throw out more than 5 billion worth of stuff every year?

Better to re-use what we've already got.

It's a philosophy called Freeganism.

Freegan, huh? That's pretty cool.

Oh, you just made that word up.

-What are you eating?

-Nothing.

I don't know if the gas is going to work, but here's hoping.

-Turn it, doofus.

-Oh.

Who's up for a home cooked meal? I do a pretty mean BLT.

Small problem - we don't have food.

-Well, we'll go shopping.

-With what?

-Your money should get us some basics.

-What money?

The money you earned from skate busking.

Ah... Low blood sugar - needed chocolate.

-You spent it, didn't you?

-It was only a couple of bucks.

Selfish fool.

Well, I guess we're Freegans, then. So who's coming shopping? Not you.

I'll come. Although Freegans don't actually shop.

-Look, you coming or not?

-Yeah.

Great.

-I was going to share. I was just so hun...

-We're all hungry, Sam.

You know there's not a lot of edible material in hard rubbish?

We're not going back there.

We're not? But Freegans don't have a lot of choice about where they shop.

We don't have a lot of choice because a loser,

otherwise known as Sam, ate our only chance of a decent meal.

Yeah... Bad form.

And to think that in the old world, you two were good friends.

Yeah, well, in the old world I had a mum, a dad,

a comfortable bed, access to a fridge full of food...

Things change.

The definition of Freeganism is taking the discarded,

not stealing before it gets discarded.

Fine, then. Jump back in the dumpster.

Well, I guess we shouldn't get too hung up with technicalities.

Get back to work.

Sergeant Riles.

Taking free samples is technically within the philosophy of Freeganism.

Hi.

Hi?

That side doesn't have a security camera.

Interesting fact. Not sure why you think that would be relevant to me.

-You're new in town.

-Am I?

-Hmm, mysterious.

-Yes, I am.

Well, I'm Ellen.

Andy! When I say run, we've gotta run, OK?

OK.

Been nice chatting to you but I've got to...

Run!

Hey, you! Get back here!

Cop chase. Cool.

Stop! Police!

Stop!

Stop! Police!

-Jake, this way!

-You go. I got this.

What's your name?

-Jake.

-Jake who?

Just Jake.

Well, Just Jake, you're coming with me. Let's go, come on.

"Air, Fire, Earth, Water.

"One alone can no change make.

-"But if the Elements all awake..."

-Lovely afternoon.

Why are you following me? You know how creepy that is?

I see you survived the attack of the killer bees.

Yeah, thanks.

-Did you use magic?

-Well, we did have insect spray.

You said you were the real thing, Felix.

You're not going to disappoint me, are you?

Yeah, I think I'm the real deal. I mean, I could be. Theoretically.

-So how's my talisman going?

-Good. Except it doesn't work.

-Sure about that?

-Yeah.

-Oh, well, it was worth a try.

-That's cool. I'll keep it.

-Not much point, if it doesn't work.

-I can keep trying.

I've got my eye on you.

Turn left.

Right, let's go. Get on with it.

Address?

Phone number?

Parents' names?

I can sit here all day if I have to,

so you might as well cut to the chase and tell me

who your parents are.

-They're probably worried sick.

-You think so?

So how's this sound for a deal?

You tell me who your parents are

and we'll drop these shoplifting charges.

-I don't know who they are.

-You really expect me to believe that?

I don't care what you believe! I don't know who they are

and I couldn't contact them even if I wanted to.

Well, unless you remember who they are,

I'm not going to be able to release you,

so we'll be staying here for as long as it takes.

Well, fine, I'll stay here with you.

'We're all hungry, Sam.'

So, Jake, know anything about a break-in at Bremin High School?

No.

Gotcha.

CROWS CAW

Hey, fellas.

Very unnerving, but nothing to panic about.

RUN!

This is the kid you were with, isn't it?

I'm going to give you a bit of advice, mate.

If you don't tell me who you are and who this other kid is,

then there's going to be dire consequences.

Whoa, now you're scaring me.

It's not going to be funny in ten years' time,

when you're in no hope, with no money, no job.

Yeah, my mum used to say the same thing about my dad.

How did he end up?

A loser. Well, he was a loser.

He's doing much better now, by the looks of things.

CROWS CAW

I think they got Jake.

-The crows?

-No, the cops.

Divinity of the Elements, I summon Thee.

-Is a poem the right response?

-We have to get him back.

He's probably loving it - bed for the night, free food.

How bad could it be?

We have to rescue him.

The talisman won't work if we're not all together.

Oh, here we go. Dark Arts 101...

-The security camera.

-What?

At the school, when we broke in. I saw it.

-Yeah, me too. Me too.

-It's got footage of us trashing the gym.

Oh...

The cops will have the footage, for sure.

Jake's been arrested, it won't take them long to find the rest of us.

So what do we do?

We have to learn to think outside the box, Sam.

Did you always want to be a cop?

Enough with the questions. You don't answer mine, I don't answer yours.

Yeah, coming up zero here.

Can you give them a call?

Yeah, I know, mate, but I've got no other options.

So even when you were a kid, you knew that's what you wanted to do?

I don't know about that, mate, but definitely once I finished school.

-And then something got in your way.

-Nothing got in my way.

I had a dream and I made it happen.

Yeah, see ya, mate.

Right.

You ever considered a career in the Force?

-No.

-Don't discount it. It could turn your life around.

As a kid, I had a few issues on the home front too.

But you know what? Out of every obstacle, comes opportunity.

What the Force gives you is purpose.

They're not just your work, they're your family as well.

-So you're not married?

-"Married to the job", as they say.

With the hours I work, it's the best I can do to look after a dog.

Zeus. He comes to every game.

Come on, The Bandies.

CROWS CAW OUTSIDE

This is a very powerful magnet.

Exposing the security footage to an alternative magnetic field

will remove all data.

That's pretty anti-establishment of you, Andy.

We'll make a Goth of you yet.

Yeah, that's great but how are we going to get into the police station

so we can erase all the footage?

-Maybe I can help.

-Creepy...

What are you doing here?

You need an adult to help get you into the police station.

We still have to get past the crows.

-Dude, we found a stove, not a microwave.

-It's not for us.

One, two, three.

Now!

-What do you run a hundred in?

-I've done a hundred in 12.3.

That's pretty good, mate. I struggle to do below 13.

Really? You outran me before.

You had bacon down your pants. It's a pretty severe handicap.

-You hungry?

-Yeah, starving.

-I've got another can out the back.

-Make it two?

-Sergeant Gary Riles.

-Janet Hawker. Child Protection Services.

I'll just get the beans.

What you need to understand, Jake, is that this here is a safe space.

Do you understand that?

So, why don't you start at the beginning and tell me the truth.

-You want the truth?

-I do.

-The whole truth?

-Absolutely.

OK, then.

There was this school excursion into the forest.

-So why is Creepy Lady helping us?

-I don't know.

-Maybe she likes us?

-Well, I am pretty irresistible.

-Get a move on, airhead.

-I think she's resisting you.

So, Phoebe, what's the plan? How are you going to get us inside?

The plan is, I talk, you say nothing. Want to practise?

-What exactly are you going to say?

-I talk, you say nothing.

-How hard is that?

-But I can...

I talk. You say nothing.

-She really is weird.

-I heard that!

Look. The crows are back.

CROWS CAW

So what we have here is a classic case of delusional disorder.

It often stems from an inability to accept a difficult home life.

Which is why he won't say who his parents are?

In cases like this, it's very common

to replace reality with a fantastical alternative.

Mind you, I'm not sure I've ever heard one this fantastical.

So if you could keep trying to contact his family,

and I will get him settled into a supported care facility.

Are you sure that's necessary?

Sergeant Riles, this boy needs to be monitored by professionals.

Yes, of course.

CROWS CAW

Get in!

-What is it with these creepy crows?

-Another attack?

Obviously.

-Haven't worked it out yet?

-No.

BANG What was that?

Kamikaze crows!

What will happen if we can't get to Jake in time?

-He'll be fostered out, probably.

-We can't let that happen.

-He's our friend.

-Oh, I feel touched.

-By nausea.

-Will you just hurry up?

Listen, mate, I'm sorry, but you gave me no choice.

You may have been a no-hoper,

but one thing my dad would never do is betray me.

What's that about?

Phoebe.

And three boys, one of whom's already contravened the law

and another, who looks familiar.

I thought I told you to unstack the dishwasher.

-Huh?

-You know each other?

-Oh, yeah, she's my...

-Auntie.

Oh, yep, right.

They're all cousins.

Well, he's a... Step-cousin.

All right, boys, let's go. Who's on dinner duty?

Yeah, nice try, Phoebe, but they're not going anywhere. Inside. Now.

CROWS CAW

-Whoa...

-Move it.

Righto, I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know

that the mystery of the school... CROWS CAW OUTSIDE

..break-in has finally been solved.

Divinity of the Elements, I summon Thee.

Earth, Water, Air, Fire, I invoke Thee.

Must be an electrical fault.

You saw it. It was him.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-On the tape.

-I showed it to you. Tell them.

-Maybe it was a delusion.

Oh, don't worry. Janet says it's a perfectly treatable disorder.

Hey! You can't just take them like that.

Why not, Sergeant? You've got nothing to charge them with.

Yeah, well, maybe not for the school break-in,

but there are other charges related to shoplifting.

Mm-hmm.

Charge away.

Never mind.

Where the hell is Sam?

You saved me, so the least I could do is save you.

Thanks, Andy.

Interesting, isn't it?

I thought security footage would all be digital these days,

so a magnet like that wouldn't have any effect.

Well, my nephews, how about you come have dinner at my place?

That's cool, but Jake's cooking so...

It's not happening, OK?

Hang on, are we missing someone?

Hey, you! That's confiscated!

Here's to Andy, for saving our butts.

And to Felix for knocking back our first home-cooked meal.

Did some more skate busking.

THEY CHEER

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Man, this is the best BLT I've ever eaten.

Even without the B. Or the L.

Or the T.

Zeus!

Here, boy! Come on!

Zeus!

Come on!

Zeus!

Come on, boy!

Zeus!

I still don't get why we have to go to school.

You want the police off your backs, you go to school.

-These boys are new to the area...

-And we're here for an exchange.

Different universe, same Sam.

They're not looking at you, man.

You saved that girl from the bus!

Nice shot, mate. This guy's a natural.

You and Sammy, you're sort of similar.

STUDENTS CHANT: Fight! Fight! Fight!

-Brothers, torn apart by a savage war.

-Brother?

Do you want to help after school? Putting up flyers?

I never realised being popular was so stressful.

Being unpopular sucks, too.

GROWLING

Whatever you do, don't look him in the eye.

Oh, my God!

SCREAMING

It's no use, it's locked!