Episode 12 Officially Amazing


Episode 12

Ben, Al and Haruka witness record attempts from around the world. The Officially Competitive warriors engage in a delicious doughnut-eating contest.


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Transcript


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Welcome to Officially Amazing,

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the show that guarantees to bring you

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the most talented, the most courageous and, dare I say,

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the most handsome record-breakers from across the planet.

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But sometimes, when they're not available,

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we have to do the best with what we have.

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In this case, we've managed to get award-winning comic and actor

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-Lee Mack.

-I feel very welcomed, Ben.

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Yes, it's my pleasure, Lee.

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So, tell us, what record will you be attempting today?

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Is it the world's loudest laugh? The world's best joke?

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The world's greatest actor to appear in a sitcom called Not Going Out?

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No, Ben, today I will be going for the world record for the most

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amount of number twos in a minute.

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Both intriguing and disconcerting.

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Here's what's coming up on today's show.

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You won't belly-ieve what this man's going to do.

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And it's feeding time in the secret bunker,

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but first, it's back to the Mack.

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We kick off today's show with the most number twos in one minute.

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PARP!

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Not that! We mean darts,

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and the man attempting this possibly deliberately misleading record

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is award-winning comedian and actor Lee Mack!

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-So this is an exciting thing.

-I'm genuinely excited.

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I'm a massive darts fan and I played for Comic Relief.

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-You won that competition.

-Whatever?! I didn't want to bring it up.

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-Oh, I did, didn't I?

-How's the training been going?

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I've got a dartboard at home, which annoys my kids.

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They go to bed at night and they're trying to get to sleep

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and all they hear is thud-thud-thud

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and an occasional thud-thud... "GRRR!"

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Number twos isn't the only record you're going for today?

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No, it's not. I'm going for the most bull's-eyes or outer bulls.

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-I have

-practised. Good.

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Bearing in mind it took me about 17-and-a-half days to do it once.

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-I'm looking forward to seeing it.

-I'm genuinely nervous and excited.

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Here are the rules for the number twos record attempt.

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Only darts hitting these areas that score two point will be valid.

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That means the red double and triple zones will not count.

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Lee must throw from the standard distance of 2.37 metres

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from the dartboard

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and the target for this brand-new world record

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is 14 number twos in one minute.

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Right, Lee, it's time for the record attempt.

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Are you sure you don't want to go for a number one?

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I'm quite nervous but I think I'll be OK.

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Three...two...one...go.

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KLAXON SOUNDS

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'Yes... No!

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'But that's two quick number twos already.

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'That's more than I usually manage in a whole day.

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'Lee can only use three darts for this attempt.'

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He's lost a flight. That's going to add time on.

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'Fallen darts or dislodged flights will cost precious seconds.'

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-Come on.

-He's having a word with himself. Come on, Lee.

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Three...two...one....time.

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KLAXON SOUNDS

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'Ooh, time's up. Did Lee hit enough number twos to claim the record?'

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In order to get the record,

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you needed 14 number twos in one minute.

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You achieved...

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-13.

-Recount! Recount! I want a recount!

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I mean, never mind, these things happen.

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'Attempt number two.

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'Just relax, Lee, and the number twos will come naturally.'

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A strong start. It's a Mack attack. Come on.

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'That's five valid darts so far. Oh, six!'

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Going great guns at the moment. Come on, Lee.

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'To take this record,

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'Lee needs to land a successful dart roughly every four seconds.

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'That's nine out of nine.

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'The watching Mini Macks will be loving this.

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'He's so close.

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'It's a real balancing act of speed against precision.

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'If he rushes too much, his accuracy could suffer.'

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Five...four...three...two...one.

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KLAXON SOUNDS

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Ooh, right on the timer!

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'Incredible accuracy delivered at great speed,

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'but did he reach the target of 14?'

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That attempt you achieved...

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..18, which is a brand-new Guinness World Record!

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'Take a breather, Lee.

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'A far tougher challenge awaits you after Al and Haruka and...'

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This is Wang Zhanjun, a master of the martial art of t'ai chi, which,

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as you can see, focuses on internal power.

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And that should help in his attempt to set a record for

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the farthest distance flipping

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a 2kg weight...with the stomach?!

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They've even built a miniature long jump pit for him to flip it into.

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Impressive scenes. The target for this new world record is 65cms.

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First, like all athletes, Wang must warm up.

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Whoa! what is going on here?

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Is something trying to escape?

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Amazing! And slightly disconcerting.

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Remember, that thing weighed the same as two bags of sugar.

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That is what I call stomach-churning.

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How on earth did he do that?

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No idea, but Wang's beguiling belly flipped that weight

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a record-breaking distance of 98cms.

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He really gave it some welly with his belly.

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Now the return of the Mack.

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Earlier, Lee Mack proved he's the world's number one at number twos,

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but this comedian now faces a challenge that would daunt

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even a professional darts player.

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This time, Lee must only land his darts in the inner and outer

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bull's-eyes and the record to beat is 11 bulls-eyes in one minute.

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Let's get darted.

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Three...two...one...go!

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Lee has played darts for years.

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He's good,

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but now he's aiming at a circle not much larger than a 50 pence piece.

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This will not be easy.

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Let's see how his first attempt went.

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-That was just six.

-So over halfway.

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Just six?!

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'He's back out for another go

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'but he's having a few problems with those flights.'

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-Seven.

-Right, heading in the right direction.

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'The longer he plays, the more accurate he's becoming.

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'Will all those hours of late-night practice in his bedroom pay off?'

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Nine bull's-eyes.

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-Ooh! Getting better, Lee.

-Getting close.

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-You feel it's coming on?

-I feel...

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Give me another 16 days. All I ask.

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'We don't have that long, Lee, but you were just two short.

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'You're so close.

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'Crack! Whack! Thwack!

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'He's not slack. He's got the knack.

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'He won't crack and his name's not Jack.

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'It's the Lee Mack darts attack.

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'Ooh, that looked like a strong attempt. How did he do?'

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11. You equalled the world record.

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'Incredibly, he's equalled the record.

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'Can he go just one bull's-eye further and break it?'

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Go.

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'Two out of three. A solid start.'

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Come on. This is pace.

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'His eye's in. His arm's in. Come on, Lee, get those darts in.'

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'A perfect set. That's five bulls in six throws.'

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-Yes.

-15 seconds.

-Come on, Lee. Come on.

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'Time is running out. Can he hold his nerve?'

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Time.

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'We've seen him equal this record.

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'Has he now done the unthinkable and broken it?'

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On that attempt, you achieved...

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..12, which is a brand-new Guinness World Record!

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Come on! Come on!

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-Congratulations.

-I'm genuinely delighted. Thank you so much.

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'Two records in one day and the Mini Macks are delighted.

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'Now another record that requires skill, speed and real hunger.'

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Once again, three superheroes with no superpowers clash in a bid

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to find out who's best at breaking records you can try at home.

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They are America's finest, US Ray.

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Japan's finest, Mr Cherry.

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-And Britain's finest...

-Wait, really?!

-Of course!

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Sizzling Steve!

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This is Officially Competitive 3-D.

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Brought to you in glorious 2-D.

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Last time out, Mr Cherry sharpened his way

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to the top of the leaderboard.

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Cherry!

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And with four events left, anyone can still win.

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Today is my kind of record.

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Yeah, I'm afraid it's not as deliciously simple as it sounds, Al.

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They're not allowed to use their hands.

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Hands schmands, man!

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'Oh, sorry you had to see this. It's both unhealthy and unseemly.

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'Let's get to the team talks.'

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How many have you eaten in preparation for this record attempt?

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Er, one.

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Why haven't you practised for this?

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Cos I'm no good at it, Ben.

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Well, at least Steve's training won't affect his waistline.

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But how has Cherry-san fared?

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Do you have any particular technique

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that you're going to use today?

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-TRANSLATION:

-No, I'll start by surveying the doughnut, then...

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HE SNORTS

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HE GULPS

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..I will consume it quickly

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like a famished little piggy.

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A piggy that loves doughnuts.

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Well, good luck, Mr Cherry

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and DOUGHNUT fail!

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Well, that's one approach. How's Ray going to DOUGH it?

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How do you fit doughnuts into your muscle-bound lifestyle?

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-I just eat them faster.

-Faster?

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Yeah. More power, more energy.

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That's the way you keep the weight off just eat faster?

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-Go faster. Burns more calories.

-I've never read or heard that.

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Yep, that's because Ray's talking nonsense.

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Keep the doughnut diet up, Ray, and your flipping days are numbered.

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Here are the rules.

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Doughnuts must be covered in sugar and have jam in the middle.

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The doughnut may not be touched with any body part except the mouth

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and lips must not be licked.

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And, to break the record,

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our heroes must have eaten a full doughnut in less than 11.41 seconds.

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I guess we can say a little dough-Ray-me.

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Hey!

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Urgh, I wish you hadn't!

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Three...two...one...go.

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Come on, Ray. Get in there, get in there.

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Ray almost seems to be trying to

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inhale the entire doughnut in one go.

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Yes, no finesse, no style, just sheer jaw strength.

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That's all right, Ray. You do whatever you want to do.

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No matter how disgusting.

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Ray is doing his best to chomp that dough,

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but it does not seem to be working.

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He seems to be hoarding the doughnut in his cheeks like some

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kind of giant American hamster.

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-Do you want to start chewing?

-Mmm.

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-If you're done, you're done. I think this is over.

-Mmm.

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All right.

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So Ray's tactic of putting the whole thing in his mouth at once

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backfires and he can't eat it.

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Don't try that at home.

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Come on Cherry-san. Go.

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Unlike Ray, Cherry is tearing off manageable chunks,

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much like a lion feasting on the rump

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of a large sugar-coated wildebeest.

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But, just like Ray, he's struggling to swallow...

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..and won't get close to that target of 11.41 seconds.

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Wait, did I see a little lick there?

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Let's see that again. Oh, yes, look at that.

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A definite lip smack.

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But did official adjudicator Shantha spot it?

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I don't think he even knew he did it.

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That's the devious nature of this record.

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The doughnut is gone

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but did that tempestuous tongue end his attempt?

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So, with Ray out the running

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and Mr Cherry facing possible disqualification,

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what does the Sizzler do now?

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Does he, A, make an heroic attempt to annihilate the existing record?

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Or B, just go for the points and eat very carefully and boringly

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and hope that Shantha penalises Mr Cherry's tongue?

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Sadly, it's option B.

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That's a little against the spirit of Officially Competitive.

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Sorry, but that's the advantage of going last.

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Shantha must closely inspect there's not even a teeny bit of tongue.

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That cannot be pleasant.

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We'll save you the pain of watching

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the rest of Steve's laborious attempt and get to the results.

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All right, guys, we didn't break a record,

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but who got the all-important Officially Competitive point?

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Two of the attempts were disqualified.

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So Shantha did spot Cherry's lip-licking

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and that Ray was rubbish.

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So the winner, with the only valid attempt

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and a time of three minutes and 14 seconds

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is Steve.

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Yes! Come on!

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Winning by default is surely the best way.

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Default! Default! Default! Default!

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So Steve's healthy one-doughnut training paid off.

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Just be happy we didn't make you watch his whole attempt.

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I'm still having nightmares!

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That puts Steve joint top with Mr Cherry.

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Join us next time for more genuine amazingness like this.

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# Well, with his dart-throwing chops

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# Lee Mack was double tops

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# His aim was good and true

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# Even he was surprised at the most bull's-eyes

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# And he also took the most number twos

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# The doughnut challenge was tricky

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# Cherry lost cos he got licky

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# And Ray couldn't get his down meaning Sizzler took the crown

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# And Wang wowed us with his wobbly belly powers

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# But here come the rubbish bits - the outtakes! #

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Go.

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Hang on, sorry, I forgot to press start on the stopwatch.

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LAUGHTER

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Ben Shires, Haruka Kuroda and Al Jackson introduce more official record breaking amazingness. The Officially Competitive warriors engage in a delicious doughnut-eating contest. There's a belly-bouncing marvel from China, and award-winning comedian Lee Mack attempts a record involving number twos - he's playing darts!


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