Episode 13 Officially Amazing


Episode 13

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# Officially, Officially Officially Amazing. #

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HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Much of the time on Officially Amazing,

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we travel the globe to meet people who metaphorically

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jump through hoops in the hope of breaking a world record.

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Today...

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JET ENGINE RUMBLES

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..things are bit more literal.

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'Coming up...'

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more high drama in Officially Competitive,

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as things start to fall apart for Sizzling Steve,

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and what's this glorious goo-fest?

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I can't wait to find out.

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First, let's aim for hoop and glory in...

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Huh! Huh!

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Ah!

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Huh.

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Ah!

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Ha-ha! Oh-ho-ho.

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Oh, no.

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-HE THUDS AND GLASS SMASHES

-Ah!

-Ow!

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Meet...

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..AKA Team Kinetix.

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They're a group of experts in free-running and acrobatics,

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and they're here today to attempt the world record for...

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What does that involve, then, Brad?

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The technique for going through the hoop is quite tricky.

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We have to dive, dive, dive, dive, dive,

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until you're fairly certain that you're clear of the hoop.

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You then quickly spin, do the rotation and land on your feet.

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If you spin early, you're likely to clip it with your heels

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as you go through, and if you spin too late,

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you're likely to land on your bum, and get in the way of the person

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running up from the other direction, so the timing needs to be on point.

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'Well, that all sounded quite complicated.

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'Luckily, there's a professional on site to give a demo.'

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Oh! 'Textbook.'

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Here are the rules.

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The hoop must be no more than 110cm in diameter.

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If any part of the body touches the hoop during a somersault,

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it will not be counted,

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and the target for this new world record

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is 40 somersaults in one minute,

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'and, for such an austere occasion, I will be employing

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'my world-renowned hula hoop co-holding skills.

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'Team Kinetix are trained acrobats, attempting a very dangerous record,

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'which means...'

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ALARM BEEPS

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Three, two, one,

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-go.

-HORN HONKS

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'Wow.

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'Look how Matt is already jumping while Alfie's still in the air.

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'This will save valuable seconds in the race for the record.

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'A soaring somersault from Wes, as the boys change direction.

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'They're in perfect rhythm, now, but, oh, no!

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-'Alfie crashes out after just nine seconds.'

-Oh!

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'He flew so fast, I barely had time to let go of the hoop.

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'Thankfully, we're on padded safety mats,

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'so Alfie's OK, and the boys line up,

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-'ready for a second attempt.'

-Three, two, one,

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-go!

-HORN HONKS

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'Faultless flipping from Brad, and from James, but, oh!

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'Alfie catches his foot again, and is sent hurtling to the floor.'

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-Are you OK?

-Are you all right, Alfie?

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-It's my heel. My heel hit the top.

-OK.

-It's too low.

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'Because Alfie's feet are catching the hoop,

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'the boys raise it by 15cm for the final attempt,

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'but now everyone will have to adjust THEIR jumps. It's a gamble.

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'Will it pay off?'

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-Go.

-HORN HONKS

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'And Alfie's safely through.

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'It's going well so far.

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'The power, technique and stamina needed for this record are immense.'

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30 seconds.

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Come on, guys.

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'This could be world-record pace if they can keep it up.

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'They need at least 40 flips.' You're doing great, guys.

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15 seconds left.

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Make it count.

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'The Kinetix boys are tiring and their pace is dropping

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'but they can't afford to stop.'

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Five, four, three,

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-two, one, time!

-Oh! HORN HONKS

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The only question now is - did they reach that 40-somersault target?

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Over to official adjudicator Mark.

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I can tell you that, in the minute, you achieved...

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43, so that is a brand-new

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-Guinness world record title!

-CHEERING

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'Fantastic perseverance from team Kinetix.

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'Now, over to Al and Haruka for more athletic amazingness.'

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-SLIME SQUELCHES

-Ugh!

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-HARUKA:

-Now, please listen carefully.

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We have a serious announcement -

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what you are about to see is very, very stupid.

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-AL:

-These people are not experts.

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They're idiots in safety gear,

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who are about to get hurt attempting the record for...

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This 12-metre pole is covered in weird blue grease.

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Anyone who reaches the flag in under 4.96 seconds gets the record.

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Let's go.

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Ha-ha-ha! He's gone flying.

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Ha-ha-ha-ha! He's gone too.

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Ooh, nice sideways action.

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Mmm, interesting technique.

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It didn't work, though.

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-Ooh, that looked painful.

-SQUELCH! BOING!

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Oh, that was pathetic.

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She only managed one step.

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It's still better than this guy.

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Oh, hang on, nah, sorry, mate, just remembered -

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I'm scared of heights, me...

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and grease...

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and poles.

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Lots of people failed

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-but some proved it was possible.

-HIS FEET SQUEAK

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But all of these attempts, though ingenious,

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were outside that 4.96 seconds target.

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Up next we have Antonino Papa.

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Is he blue-greased lightning?

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COMMENTATORS YELL IN ITALIAN

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-Fenomeno! Il fenomeno!

-Antonino...

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Il fenomeno, indeed, but what was his time?

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3.09 seconds! He smashed the record.

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Way to go, Antonino Papa...

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or perhaps we should be calling you Grease-Proof Papa?

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WIND BLOWS AND BELL CHIMES

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DOG BARKS

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Let's just go quickly to Officially Competitive.

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Eee!

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Hmm...

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-Ha-ha!

-Eh?

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Huh...

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-Ah!

-Ah!

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Mmm.

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A trio of record-breaking virtuosos,

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fearlessly fighting to claim world records that you could try at home,

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starring...

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..onesie-wearing wonder US Ray...

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MUSIC: Theme from Star Trek: The Next Generation

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..my mesmerising marvel,

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-Mr Cherry...

-EAGLE SHRIEKS

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..and slightly subdued superman Sizzling Steve.

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This is...

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'Last time, Steve courageously ate a doughnut really slowly

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'to steal the win...'

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-Steve-o! Steve-o! Steve-o!

-Steve-o! Steve-o! Steve-o!

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..putting him joint with Cherry at the top of the table...

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..but, right now, Ben has a question for you.

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What is this? FIREWORKS EXPLODE

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Is it...?

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A functional solution to your loose paper problem?

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A terrible birthday present?

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Or an instrument with which to become the undisputed

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heavyweight champion of the world...

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of paperclip chains?

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Yes, today's record challenge is...

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Steve once held this record,

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but was beaten by Italian Silvio Sabba

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and then by five more people. MUSIC: Dam Busters theme

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-Do you want stationery vengeance today?

-I would love some.

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Would you ever have novelty paperclips or those

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-paperclips that have that weird sort of...?

-Oh, no, no, no.

-No.

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Just a typical shape.

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-Absolutely. I'm going to back away from this, Steve.

-Hi!

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I can see that you're passionate about stationary.

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That doesn't surprise me but it does impress me.

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Only one man impresses me

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-and that's US Ray, baby.

-MUSIC: Beverly Hills Cop theme

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-Are you ready to do this?

-I'm ready to rock and roll.

-That's confidence.

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I'm just good with my hands.

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Yes, and you know what else is special about those hands?

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They are the smallest of the three competitors.

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-Do you think this is an advantage?

-I know it's an advantage.

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Because he's US Ray - he jumps, he flips, he links paperclips.

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US Ray, all day.

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Whatever. Don't forget this guy.

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Paperclips can be very sharp.

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Did you get any injuries

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during your training?

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-HE SPEAKS JAPANESE TRANSLATION:

-No injuries, no.

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I simply realised I'm useless with my fingers

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so I abandoned my training altogether.

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Steve's the one to beat here.

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-Steve.

-GONG CRASHES

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Well, Mr Cherry, good luck anyway.

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-IN ENGLISH:

-I don't like paperclips. No.

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-TRANSLATION IN NORTHERN ACCENT:

-I don't like paperclips. No.

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Mr Cherry is already surrendering to the might of Siz-biz,

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but before we get to the formality of Steve winning,

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let's take a look at the rules.

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The paperclips must be no more than 4cm long.

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They must be linked in one continuous chain.

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Any paperclips that detach

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from the chain will not count,

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and the record to beat is 58 paperclips in 30 seconds.

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'This might seem to be a simple task but, such is the inherent danger,

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'Mr Cherry is wearing precautionary kneepads.

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'Safety first.'

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Mr Cherry, are you ready?

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OK!

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Three, two, one,

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-go!

-HORN HONKS

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-HARUKA:

-'Cherry has laid out his paperclips with precision planning.'

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'Just look at how he subtly bends each clip into position

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'before slipping it efficiently onto the chain.

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'It's a joy to watch.'

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'Ben, you're right - flawless linking -

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'and this, from a man who says he doesn't like paperclips.'

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Five, four, three, two, one,

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-stop!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-HORN HONKS

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-HARUKA:

-'A magnificent example of paperclip engineering from Cherry.

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'But how did a paperclip end up in his armpit hair?

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'Perhaps he keeps one there for emergencies?

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'Time, now, for US Ray to perform in the theatre of paperclip dreams.'

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Three, two, one,

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-go!

-HORN HONKS

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'Ray is linking those clips together as fast as he can.

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'Unfortunately, Ray's fastest is really, really slow.

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'Look at the slow-mo footage. Ray's hardly moving at all.

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'Well, I'm still confident in the tiny hands of my big clipper.'

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Come on, Ray!

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-Stop!

-Oh.

-Yeah! Whoo!

-Hold it up. Hold it up.

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Ray is delighted.

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I have no idea why. Small hands - small chain.

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Time for a paperclip chain-making giant.

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I thought Steve was anti jaunty paperclips.

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Not only that, he's opened them up for easier linking. Is that allowed?

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This tactical genius is legal but risky.

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They'll link quickly but are in danger of falling apart.

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The Sizzler, 30 seconds,

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and literally tens of colourful paperclips.

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Could there be a more perfect union? Nay.

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-Steve, is this record going to be yours again?

-Hopefully.

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Excellent, stirring words. Shantha, over to you.

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-Three, two, one, go!

-HORN HONKS

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Come on, Sizzly, let's do it.

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Oh, it's poetry in motion.

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-HARUKA:

-Wow, this is incredible.

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Steve's linking at the speed of light,

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powered by patriotic socks.

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Observe Steve's meticulous technique -

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smooth and rhythmic and yet with intense velocity,

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Steve was born for records

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-involving office supplies.

-Five, four,

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-three, two, one...

-What a man, what a champion.

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-HORN HONKS

-Stop!

-What has happened to

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all the paperclips?

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Well, Ben, traditionally, chains have just one weak link.

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-Oh, no.

-What Steve's done is to create a whole chain of weak links.

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'It just goes to prove, if you live by the slightly open paperclip...'

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..You die by the slightly open paperclip.

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High drama over a low table, but do we have a world-record?

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-HARUKA:

-58 to beat.

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-No.

-Oh...

-Oh... GROANING

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Not to worry, there's still the all-important competitive point.

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Shantha, how did the results go?

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In third place, with a total of 12 paperclips...

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is Ray...

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'Ray, losing to a man whose chain fell apart three times.'

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..and, in first place, with a total of 28 paperclips...

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HARUKA MOUTHS

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..is Mr Cherry.

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CHEERING

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-HARUKA:

-'Steve applauds graciously.'

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HE SQUEAKS, FARTS, THUMPS AND YELLS

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Poignant scenes.

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HE YELLS

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That unexpected win from Cherry

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puts him back on top,

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with only two events left.

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Steve linked 48 paperclips but 30 ended up on the floor.

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I shall be returning those lucky socks

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under the Trade Descriptions Act.

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Can Cherry find the one victory he needs

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-to win the title?

-LION ROARS

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Find out next time when we return with more dynamic drama like this.

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# Well, the Kinetix guys flew As they somersaulted through

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# That hoop being held by Ben

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# Alfie caught his feet But he wouldn't be beat

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# So all five were record-breaking men

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# Cherry won again

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# With the longest paperclip chain

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# Sizzler's cunning plans

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# Fell apart in his own hands

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# And Antonino was greased lightning on a big pole

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# But here come the rubbish bits

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# The outtakes. #

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TRUMPETS HONK

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Today...

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LAUGHTER

0:14:360:14:39

Today, things are a bit more literal. Ah!

0:14:390:14:42

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