Rex on the Bench Pixelface

This is the console. Pixelface games loading.

# Life's so great in the console space

# Digitally here again

# So much more than a Pixelface

# Living in a game, a game, a game

# We're playing with the same old friends

# Everybody knows our name

# We'll be here till the journey ends

# Living in the game The game, the game, the game! #

You were right. This is much easier when we work together!

Yes, that's it. Come on, team, don't slow down. Feel the burn!

What, pray tell, is your contribution to this team,

you overgrown fridge magnet?

I'm a coach, obviously. Now, come on, treacle, chop chop!

Those buns won't slice themselves. Put your hat on.

I told you, your hair is unhygienic. There, that's better.

Making lunch is my favourite of all the chores.

It's even better than that time we used my tail to unblock the toilet!

Ah, memories!

Eh, Rex...who are you actually passing those plates to?

-Kiki.

-I'm here!

-Riley, then.

Oh.

ALL: Rex!

Sorry! It was an accident!

Why is it, when anything breaks in here, the furry fool is involved?

-I don't think that's true!

-Rex, hold this.

-OK.

-And whatever you do, don't break it.

-Of course I won't!

-CUP SHATTERS.

-Ahh! Right on my toe!

-What are we supposed to do without any plates?

Eat off the floor, like animals or servants?

Don't worry, this plate isn't broken.

Look!

You all thought I was going to break it, didn't you?

Well I'm not that... Oh!

-Rex!

-Oh, Rex!

-You're always letting the side down.

-Sorry.

-Rex, your problem is, you just can't concentrate.

-I can!

You're always getting distracted. You never pay attention...

BEEPING Rex!

-Sorry, what?

-Ohhh! Let's just get this cleared up.

Everybody stop what they are doing! This is an emergency!

Someone has drunk my goblin-berry cordial!

Is that what that was? It smelt terrible.

Terrible? I'll have you know this is the finest drink in the Elf kingdom!

I crushed those berries with my own two feet,

-and filtered them through my silken undergarments.

-Wow.

What beverage isn't improved by feet and pants(?)

-Uh, yeah, that might have been me. Sorry.

-You drank my cordial?

-Not exactly. I used it to polish Romford.

-What?!

I thought it was cleaning fluid! You must admit,

-it made his screen nice and shiny.

-Not one of you noticed! Typical!

That is it! No longer will I permit my possessions

to be swiped from beneath my nose! From now,

-no-one is to borrow anything that has my name on it.

-Ohh.

He said he was sorry!

We all have to share sometimes, you know.

Look, you could be the bigger man here,

or you could be a petty, spoilt little elf.

That includes my mug!

-Spoilt, petty little elf it is.

-Thank you!

-Hey!

-Maybe that'll teach you not to take what's not yours in the future!

Game loading...

-Guys, if we're all in here, what game is the boy playing?

-I don't know!

Maybe it's a game that's been rented, or borrowed, or...

Oh, no... What date is it?

It couldn't be!

MUSIC: "Grandstand" Theme Tune

-It is!

-What?

-Oh, no!

-Quick, let's get all the valuables, so they can't be broken!

-Good idea!

No!

You grab the trophies for pony-trekking and marksmanship.

I'll grab the ones for needlework and pouting.

-What's going on?

-'This is the console.

'Premiership soccer session complete.

-'All players released.'

-THEY CHEER

It's football season!

ALL CHATTER AT ONCE

ALL: Good game! Good game.

Our boy only plays this game at the beginning of the season,

and then gets bored, which means we're stuck with them for two weeks.

What's wrong with that? I love football!

You won't be saying that after a couple of days.

Please! Shoes off the sofa!

And no isotonic drinks on the upholstery.

This is brilliant, isn't it?

I can't wait for them to teach us some tricks.

I completely agree, Rex.

If by "brilliant", you mean "totally awful".

And if by, "teach us some tricks", you mean "leave".

AIR HISSES

PLAYERS GROAN

And the ball is passed to Rex Dynamite.

He runs down the wing,

around Rio Ferdinand, past Ashley Cole, only David James to beat.

What can Rex do? Arrghhh!

CRASH

Not a lot, Rex. Dirty laundry can be a tricky opponent.

Unbelievable! Those brainless hulks have only been here a few hours

and already the place stinks of armpit and ostentatious jewellery!

I'm off for a cleansing shower.

Hey, hey, hey! What do you think you're doing with that?

-Well, taking the shampoo.

-Read the label.

Come on, I always borrow this!

Well, maybe you'll think twice about borrowing what's not yours in future.

Don't be so ridiculous!

This military-strength shampoo is the only thing

that stops my hair from frizzing!

-Ah, well, in that case... No!

-Ohh!

You will pay for this, Sergeant! Mark my words.

Rex, do we need to have that "how you wear clothes" chat again?

Go on, shoo! Shoo, go! Shoo, shoo!

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I don't know what Rex and Riley see in them.

-So, have you ever played with the digital Wayne Rooney?

-Yeah, sure.

-What's he like?

-He's quite badly animated, actually.

His mouth doesn't move when he speaks. It's quite creepy.

-Wow.

-Just like the real thing!

So, how do you become a famous footballer, like yourself?

-It's just luck, really. Anyone can do it.

-Anyone? Really?!

Yes, if they're phenomenally talented,

-extremely fit and incredibly hard working.

-Oh.

We're always on the lookout for new players.

In fact, we've got at spare space in our squad

for the next cup tournament.

Oh, wow! Do you think you could give us a trial?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Rex, Rex...

-I think he's talking to me.

-Cos I've been practising. Watch this.

BOTH: Oh, Rex!

Sorry. Sorry!

OK, OK!

Listen...

I tell you what, both of you come back this afternoon

-and I'll see what I can do.

-That's brilliant!

Looking forward to it!

-Rex, Rex, Rex...

-Yeah?

Maybe you taking the trial isn't such a good idea.

-What? Why not?

-Well, you know, football is a team sport, yeah?

Being a team player has never been your strength, has it?

But hey, hey, you know, you're good at other stuff. Like...

-Yeah?

-Like...

Like... Like...

-Like a mint?

-No.

No, thank you, I won't.

Oooh!

"And stop stealing my mints, Aethelwynne."

This is amazing, isn't it? One of our gang could be in a football team!

Oh, football is so boring!

Oiks running round a field, kicking a ball about,

and they don't even allow heavily armed killer tigers on the team.

-I mean, hello! Where's the excitement?

-You're weird.

SHE MOUTHS

-Not a word. Thank you.

-OK. Each trial is to last one minute.

Sergeant Riley to go first.

-That was amazing.

-OK. Good effort, Riley. Now Rex Dynamo.

You have one minute to impress us.

Right, then.

This is it.

Rex, whatever you do, don't break my trophies.

Don't break the trophies.

Don't break the trophies.

SHE SHRIEKS

No!

How did I do?

-No!

-Oh, Alexia, I'm so, so sorry.

I'll win you some more.

I did once come third in that smelliest guff competition.

Just leave us all alone, Rex. Go hibernate until next summer,

or preferably, several summers after that.

I think maybe it's best you stay out of everyone's way for a while.

And don't touch anything that has my name on it.

Sorry, everyone.

Tried to warn you, Rex. I tried to warn you.

Ow! What in Jupiter?

"If you want somewhere to throw your toenail clippings,

"then I suggest you purchase your own bin, Aethelwynne."

Oh... Eurgh!

Ohh!

Oh, good. You're both here.

Well done on your trials this afternoon, fellas.

I'm pleased to say that we have decided to offer one of you

-a place in our squad.

-Yes, get in!

Rex, if you'd like to report to training in 30 minutes' time,

-we'll go through the details then.

-You won't regret this, Captain.

I'll give you 200%, eight days a week, 532 days a year.

Never mind, Rex. Not really your thing.

I'll just grab... What did you say?

Congratulations, Rex.

The guys are proud to have you on the team.

-Really?!

-Of course. See you later.

Hang on...hang on... Captain... Excuse me, mate.

There's been a mistake.

Everyone, I've got some news.

Now, you might have worked it out from how I'm dressed,

-but I've got a new job.

-You've become a fireman?

Lifeguard? Air hostess?

Not seriously considering joining that team of Neanderthals?

Of course. You all said you didn't want me around any more.

Don't worry. From now on, I've got a new gang to hang out with.

Come on! Do you really want to be a member of Durbrains United?

-What's wrong with that?

-Over here.

-PLAYERS:

-Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

-Oh...

-See? Not exactly the sharpest forks in the drawer.

My friends are not stupid, thank you very much.

Oh, Rex.

'This is the console. Premiership soccer now loading.

-'Would all members of the squad please enter the game?'

-Let's go.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have got a match.

It's the first round of the cup. I need to make a good impression

on my professional footballing debut.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

You've got the boots on the wrong feet.

Actually, no, I haven't.

I find it more comfortable this way.

BOOTS SQUEAK

Style it out, Rex. Style it out.

-We can actually hear you.

-Oh.

Out...out...out...out.

Wow. Great graphics.

Come on, boys.

We're sticking with the same formation as last match.

Gibbo, you're up front. Wicksy, you're in the middle. OK?

Sounds good. Where do you want me?

I can be tearing down the wing, a rock in front of the back four,

somewhere in the fronty... middly bit?

-You're on the bench, Rex.

-Oh, OK. I suppose it is my first match.

I'll start warming up, and you can bring me on when you need me.

Bring you on?

-Why would we bring the mascot on during the match?

-Mascot?

I thought you wanted me on the pitch.

Why would you think that?

Rex, you are the single worst player I've ever seen.

I've known sticks of celery with more ball control.

Wh...wh... So I'm never going to play?

Look, we needed a new, weird-looking mascot at short notice

to clown around, give the crowd something to laugh at.

You seemed perfect.

Why not run up and down the touchline,

fall on your bum a few times, do something amusing with custard,

-and leave the football playing to the big boys?

-No, no, look.

I'll practise loads and... Hang on. I've got 'em.

That's it.

That IS it, Rex.

No, hang on, hang on.

Lawnmower, lawnmower.

Lawnmower, lawnmower.

Lawnmower, lawnmower.

Bum pop.

-Oh, no. Was the lawnmower after the bum pop?

-'This is the console.

'Premiership soccer session complete.

-'Players released.'

-Oh, no!

-Good game.

-Good game.

-Oi.

Watch it.

Oh, hi, Rex. How was the game?

Hi, Kiki. It was brilliant. We won 3-0.

-I was really good - passing, crossing, tackling. Amazing fun.

Wow. When did you get your foot stuck in the cooler?

Oh. I was reaching for the last choc ice and overbalanced.

Anyway, I'd better join the post-match celebrations.

Say hi to the others for me. Or don't - up to you.

He seems really happy.

Yeah, maybe it was for the best after all.

Kiki, are you all right?

Do you know what, I'm not.

My arms are really sore.

I wondered where that had gone.

SAD MUSIC PLAYS

Anyone else feel guilty about Rex?

Yeah, a bit.

Do you think it was right that we pushed him away?

Oh, please, he's a one-rodent disaster area.

Just tell him not to break anything, and boom!

Maybe we are better off without him.

He did do something very annoying last week.

I was in the middle of hanging out the washing,

and while I was out of the room...

Sorry!

-Was the washing line red?

-Yeah - why?

I think I know why he took it.

I'd just been called into my game, but the lace in my shoe had snapped.

It would've been a disaster,

but Rex said he knew where to get me a replacement.

So he wasn't being thoughtless after all?

Yeah, but he did use all the hot water without telling anyone.

Yes, that was terribly irritating.

I think I can tell you why he did that.

Me and Riley had spent the whole morning

on a level set in the garbage disposal system of a space station.

We were a bit whiffy, and Rex volunteered to help us out.

Wow. That was really nice of him.

But I lent him my best metal polish, and I still haven't got it back.

Oh, wait. Did this can have a round metal lid?

Yeah, that's the one. Why?

I'd broken my mirror, you see, and he offered to make a replacement.

-Oh, so he wasn't being selfish at all?

-No.

-Hang on!

What about the time he ate all the biscuits without asking?

Nice try, Aethelwynne. We know that was you.

Curses.

Maybe we should talk to Rex, ask him to come back?

I think it might be too late. He seems really happy now.

'This is the console. Premiership soccer now loading.

'Would all players please enter the game?'

PLAYERS SHOUT

Nice one!

What have we done?

I think we've just got to accept it, he's not one of the gang any more.

Oh, my guilt circuits have overloaded.

Rex, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be getting the crowd laughing.

Why not tie your shoelaces and fall flat on your face? That's hilarious.

-That was an accident!

-Well, you'd better think of something.

If you don't pull your weight, you'll be on boot-cleaning duty again.

Here, put the hat on.

I'm not a clown, you know?

I do have some dignity. Ahh!

'Isn't he hilarious?! Let's hear it for the team mascot, Rex Dynamo.'

Right, boys. Lovely. Hit us now, yeah?

CLATTER

-Right, that's it, you're off!

-Oh, ref!

And you, you're off, too.

In fact...

you're all off!

Come on!

-Wow, nice one, Kiki.

-Thank you.

Oh, hi, Rex.

Oh, hi, everyone.

-How's life in the football world?

-Oh, great, yeah.

I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really,

really, really, really happy. So happy I could cry.

And, er, you all coping without me?

Yeah. We're doing great.

'This is the console. Premiership Soccer now loading.

'Would all players please enter the game for the cup final?'

Well, I'd better go.

-See you, everyone.

-Bye, Rex.

< SHOUTING

You, sir, have crossed the line.

Something wrong, Sergeant?

HE CHUCKLES

You are both unbelievable!

You'd better start acting like responsible adults,

unless you want me to give you both a wedgie? Hmm?

Things would never be so bad between you both if...

If only Rex was still here.

I suppose we do get on better when Rex is around.

Can't we apologise? There must be something we can do.

Oh, no, you don't understand.

Being a footballer was his dream. He'll never give that up. Look!

Why is he dancing like that?

No, he's not dancing, he's probably warming up.

Why is he wearing that hat?

And he's sticking his head in that bucket of custard

-because he's hungry, right(?)

-Right. ..Oh, no...

They've made him their mascot.

Terrible. Come on.

-Come on, we've got to go.

-Go where?

Where do you think?

Rex needs us.

What happened to him?

-Bad tackle. We're going to need to bring a sub on, fast.

-Ahem.

-Ahem! Aahh-hem!

-That's getting very annoying. Do you want a tissue?

I was thinking, there is one player you could bring on...

We don't have any... No. No, no, no.

We don't have any choice, boss.

How much more damage can he do?

OK, fine.

Rex, you're on.

Yes! You won't regret it.

'Penalty shootout!'

All right, lads, it's sudden-death time.

Good look, mate.

ALL: Yes!

So, what happens now, eh?

The boy playing the game chooses the player.

That player then takes the first penalty. First team to score wins.

-Any more questions?

-Yeah, just one.

-What does this flashing arrow above my head mean?

-Oh, no!

It means that you're taking the first penalty.

Rex... I can't look.

Sorry.

What am I doing?

I can't take a penalty.

I can't even kick a ball without breaking something.

This is all the fault of my stupid daydreaming. I'm no footballer.

-Come on, Rex.

->

-Come on, Rex!

-Come on, Rex, you can do it! Just don't break the goal!

Don't break the goal.

Yes!

You broke the goal!

-Rex, that was amazing!

-Listen, forget the mascot stuff.

-You are going to be in the starting line-up next match.

-Ooh!

Actually, I don't think there's going to be a next match for me.

-What do you mean?

-I mean, this has been fun, and everything,

but I've already got my own team, thanks.

ALL: Aw...

-Here, Rex. Congratulations.

-Brilliant! Hurray!

Agh! Went on my toe!

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