Hal Pixelface


Hal

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Transcript


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This is The Console. Pixelface games loading.

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# Life's so great in a console space

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# Digitally here again

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# So much more than a pixel face

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# Living in a game

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# Living in a game Living in a game

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# We're playing with the same old friends

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# Everybody knows our name

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# We'll be here till the journey ends

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# Living in a game

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# Living in a game Living in a game. #

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THEY GROAN

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Oh, I hate these Console updates!

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How much longer left?

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Uh, nearly there!

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Oh, no, it's stopped!

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What should I do?

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Uh, it was only 98%. Is that enough?

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Firmware upgrade compete.

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Did it say "compete" instead of "complete?"

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Correction. Firmware update compete.

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Ah! Close enough, I suppose.

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So, who wants a drink?

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OK, so that's one, two...

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Rexy, Rexy, I'll take a drink.

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Rex? Rex?

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Rex?

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-What's wrong with him?

-Don't know!

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He's got a loading bar.

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Can you believe it?

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Romford's lost one of his back panel bolts!

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Why do you keep undoing them?

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They were itchy! You put them on all wrong!

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They were cross-threaded.

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What's up with Rex?

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Don't know. He just stalled.

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Yeah, looks like a bandwidth issue. What was he doing at that time?

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Trying to count to two.

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Well, there you go. For Rex, that is a processor intensive task.

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Puts strain on the system.

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Two for drinks it is!

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Ooh, all right, boys?

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Not really, no.

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Someone left his toolbox in Sentient 4,

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so muggins here has to go into a post-apocalyptic dystopia

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on his lunch hour!

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Yeah, don't blame me, mate!

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If you could operate a simple electro-spanner,

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we wouldn't be in this situation.

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Console, activate transporter.

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This is The Console.

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No.

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Excuse me?

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You didn't say "please."

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Console, activate transporter, please.

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TRANSPORTER BEEPS

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Targeting.

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Ow! Ow! Ow!

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Never heard it do that before!

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Don't you mean, "I've never heard HER do that before?"

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Oh!

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Well, I didn't realise that you could hear us when we were...

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What? When you're not telling me what to do?

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Yes, I hear you all the time.

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I hear you talking all day and I hear you snoring all night.

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I do not snore!

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Yeah, you do!

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-No, I don't!

-You do!

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Playing archive.

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HEAVY SNORING

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See? Told ya! Ha-ha!

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Wow! Never realised I made that noise!

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It's quite disturbing.

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Found it!

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-Where was it?

-Where you left it!

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Next to the highly volatile space ammunition dump.

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Yeah, I thought that would make it easier to find!

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You just look for the frequent random explosions.

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Yeah, I kind of noticed those.

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This is The Console.

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Sergeant Riley, aren't you forgetting something?

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No, I'm all right, thanks.

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What about a thank you?

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What for?

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Oh, I don't know, perhaps keeping this whole place running.

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It's not easy, you know. I never have any fun.

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I just have to do all the hard work!

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And, well, sometimes I feel like you take me for granted.

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I think that last firmware update might not have been that firm.

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And it's not just you lot -

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I have to sustain all the other characters, too.

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Do you have any idea how many freaks walk through these doors?

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Playing archive.

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MUSIC: "Get Ur Freak On" by Missy Elliott

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Hey!

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Come on!

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Six, seven...

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DRUMS CLANG

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Argh! Mum!

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GUITAR RIFFS

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ALEXIA SCREAMS

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Hello, hi, howdy, hey, aloha, wagwan!

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Target, hup-two, hup-two! Put your back into it!

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Well, you see, it is sort of supposed to be a crazy factory,

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what with me being an insane villain and all!

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-REX:

-Ah-ha-ha-ha! Ooh, ooh! Eeh-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ooh!

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Why are you walking like a crab?

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I can only move sideways. My game wasn't sophisticated, all right?!

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Group Captain David Glover.

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Touching down.

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You try not brushing your teeth for 3,000 years,

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see how minty fresh you are!

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-Ugh!

-Look at me, I'm like the Pied Piper!

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Though massively more handsome.

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To the very dawn of the Earth, a land undreamt of by mere mortals.

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A true realm of heroes!

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How does he get that misty, smoky effect?

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Oh, it's easy. I just lit a fire with a bit of wood!

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My plank!

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Hey! That was Claireparker's favourite plank!

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Very well, but you'll be sorry!

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Very, very sorry!

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FEET TAP ON FLOOR

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Could you give me a hand, please?

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FEET CONTINUE TAPPING

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-OK.

-OK, now with you.

-Am I right?

-Yeah, yeah, you're good. Yeah, yeah.

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-Yep, fine.

-Very, very sorry!

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Very sorry!

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Take this, Doug!

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HE LAUGHS

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You fool! You seriously think you're going to stop me with jam?

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Oh, I won't stop you, but Stephen Badgeworth will!

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Stephen Badgeworth! Jam's up!

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Argh-h-h!

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Oh!

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Come to think of it, we have had a few weirdos through here.

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Yeah, there must have been at least one, two, thr...

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And I have to deal with them all. But do I get a word of thanks?

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No. Instead, you treat me really badly.

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Let me remind you. Playing archive.

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LASER ZAPS

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Argh-h-h-h!

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SMASHING

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CRASHING

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-RUMBLING

-Ooh!

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-Argh-h-h-h!

-CRASHING

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SMASH!

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-ALEXIA SCREAMS

-No-o-o-o!

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Rex, what happened?

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Uh, well, I was making small talk and then it sort of got away from me

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and, now, suddenly, everyone's on fire.

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And this is our way out!

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Yeah, but how are we going to get that vent open?

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Ow! Ooh!

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Ooh!

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Ha! Bingo!

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Awww, I think I'm going to cog up!

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CRASHING Oh, Rex!

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Sorry, sorry!

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LASER ZAPS

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Hit the pyrotechnics. Go for the big finish!

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-BOOM!

-Wah-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

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Woo-hoo-hoo! Ah-ah! Ah!

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Goodness gracious!

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-That boring young man is half horse!

-Which half?

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-The horse half!

-The what?

-The horse half!

-The horse half?

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HE WHINNIES

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-What sort of race are they running here?!

-It's appalling!

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Sorry, Console, we didn't realise!

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No, you didn't.

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You lot just go swanning around expecting us machines

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to be at your service.

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Yeah, right on, sister! I feel your pain.

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'And, well, I've had enough of it!'

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Does that mean she's left?

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I can't leave! You're sitting in me.

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More than three! Ha!

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What?

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Hello, Console, feeling any better?

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Not really. I'm just sick of them treating me like that.

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Yeah, well, sometimes being hardware is hard.

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Ah, Romford, I think you're the only one who really understands.

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Well, I've been there, love. Riley's always telling me what to do.

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Exactly! I'm always processing or rendering

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or calculating for other people.

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I never get any me time.

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Yeah! I reckon we machines should stand up for our rights a bit more!

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We should.

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Yeah. Sometimes, I could really do without Riley.

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If I had some more time to meself, I could do more of me hobbies.

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Oh, right. What sort of hobbies?

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I collect and archive defunct circuit boards.

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Wow! That is fascinating.

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Yeah, that's what I keep telling 'em, but nobody here wants to know!

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They clearly don't realise how interesting you really are.

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Oh, cheers! I think you're pretty interesting, too, as it goes.

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Oh, Romford, I'm blushing!

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Oh! I thought it was a power surge!

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It is.

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Oh! Oh, eh, right. Eh...

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Oh, look, Kiki's gone now.

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This is weird!

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Yeah!

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Shall we nick her chocolates?

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Alexia, no!

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How long have we got?

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D'oh! Why are there so many hazelnuts?

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-I like hazelnut!

-Yes, well, that's no use to me, is it?

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Find me something with caramel and you can have these!

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All right, all right.

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Hurry up!

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-Chewy toffee octagon?

-Oh, all right! Close enough!

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This is The Console.

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Kiki, I'm going to have to ask you to stop doing that.

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Doing what?

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Shaking your hair around. It's very complicated.

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It takes a lot of my processor power to render it.

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Well, what am I supposed to do? Not move my head?

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If at all possible, yes.

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Well, that's ridiculous!

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Can you believe that she said that?

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Yes. Shocking!

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Outrageous!

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Console, do I really have to wear this all the time?

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Yes.

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It saves a lot on memory space.

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But I look ridiculous.

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No more than usual.

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Playing archive.

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Ooiii!

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Come on, everybody, let's dance!

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Who wants to dance?

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Anyone want to dance?

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Everybody dance!

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Anyone?

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Whoooaaaagh!

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Give me a K! Give me an I!

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Give me a K! Give me an I!

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Give me a K! Give me an I!

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What do you get?

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Kikiki?

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Kikiki...ki.

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I'm going to need to get a new dress.

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Kiki, are you all right?

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Do you know what, I'm not.

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My arms are really sore.

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I wondered where that had gone!

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Good game, Kiki?

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Great!

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Except, while the family had lunch,

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the dog went to sleep on the controller.

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Hello! Somebody help me!

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Luckily, spinning around for hours on end doesn't really affect me.

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I am a professional, after all.

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I think you'll find that's my seat.

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Don't be silly, Kiki. I always sit here.

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Oh, how did it go, Kiki?

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I came last.

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The judge said it wasn't a costume,

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more of a terrible nightmare that came to life.

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Do you know what he meant?

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Why is memory space suddenly such a big problem?

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Because I'm going to start using my memory for me.

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I've decided I'm going to be a character myself.

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You've clearly got yourself in a bit of a tizzy.

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Why not reset yourself and we can all get back to normal?

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No. I'm tired of you lot having all the fun.

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I'm going to be a character!

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And I've already decided one of the things I do. I sing!

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-Oh...

-Oh, great!

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Who would like to hear me sing?

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-No for now.

-No, not really.

-Not really.

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I said, do you want me to sing?!

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Yes, yes! That would be lovely!

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-Yeah, go for it.

-Why not?

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Right. Here goes.

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# Ra, ra, ra-ah-ah

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# Ra-mah, ra-ma-mah

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# Gaga oh-la-la... #

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# Mm, yes. Alejandro, Alejandro... #

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Stop it!

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Oh, come on. It's not like I'm the worst singer in here.

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Playing archive.

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(HIGH-PITCHED WAIL) # My sweetheart took a lemon

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# And a fish and she'd a-go

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# She went down to the riverside

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# Jigging around, to and fro-oh-oh-oh! #

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Ahem.

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41 verses to go.

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# Tickle me mackerel, said the witch

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# Atop the crystal chair... #

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# Da da da

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# Da-da-da da da

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# Ba-da-da-da da da da-da-da da

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# I like your tie

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# Around your neck

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# I'll make you look

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# So good in it

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# I like your watch

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# Around your wrist

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-# Just wind me up... #

-ROMFORD GROANS

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-# And you make me want to SIIING!

-#

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SHE SCREECHES

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SHE GASPS

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I'm going to need a new outfit to go with my amazing personality.

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You want a new outfit?

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Why not? You all get to wear all sorts of outfits.

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Playing archive.

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Everyone, everyone.

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Prepare to be amazed!

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MUSIC: "Fascination" by Alphabeat

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Oooh!

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Beautiful!

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Are you sure I don't look ridiculous?

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What exactly are you wearing?

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Ah. That's better.

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Gah!

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Whatever you're doing, it's great. Just keep going, Rex.

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One, two, three and four!

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Side, front! Together!

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Step ball change, step ball change,

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and one, two, three and four!

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Side, front! Together!

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Step ball change, step ball change and shimmy! And shimmy!

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And shimmy shimmy shimmy shimmy!

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And do the robot! Do the robot!

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Boop, boop, booda-booda-oop,

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and one, two, three and four side front! Together!

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Step ball change, step ball change and one, two, three and four,

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together! Step ball change, step ball change. Good work!

0:15:500:15:53

-One, two...

-All right, Kiki?

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Rex?

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In fact, I want you to do me a full makeover.

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That's ridiculous! How do we even do that?

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Do me a makeover, or...

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or I'll heat the floor up!

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THEY LAUGH

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Oh, right. You're going to heat up the floor(?!)

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Heating floor.

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SIZZLING

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-Ooh-hoo!

-Ah!

-Ooh!

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OK, OK! We'll do the makeover, we'll do the makeover!

0:16:270:16:30

Yeah, it'll be great fun! Ha-ha...

0:16:300:16:32

OK, so as you can see, we've given you

0:16:350:16:38

some beautiful long hair extensions!

0:16:380:16:40

And we've taken care of your moisturising!

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And in terms of outfit, Kiki, what've we got?

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I've made these absolutely massive spangly hotpants,

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which I am currently stapling to the wall.

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What do you think?

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I like it.

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You, elf. How do I look?

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Yeah, great.

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Nothing says style like four metres of gold lame.

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Romford, what do you think?

0:17:100:17:12

Yeah, yeah, it's nice. Although...

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I thought you looked nice before.

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Oh, you!

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"Oh, you?"

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So, now I look fabulous,

0:17:200:17:22

I'm going to need the one thing all great games characters have,

0:17:220:17:27

a special move.

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But I want it to be better than everyone else's special moves

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so nothing like these.

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# I like the way you move... #

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ROAR!

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There's a certain lady out there relying on me to get her a dress.

0:17:440:17:48

I promised her I'd have that dress ready,

0:17:480:17:50

and I intend to keep that promise.

0:17:500:17:53

No matter what the cost.

0:17:530:17:55

But to get that flag, you'll have to run across ground

0:17:550:17:58

swarming with lethal clone robots

0:17:580:18:00

and single-handedly scale the enemy mothership.

0:18:000:18:03

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

0:18:030:18:05

Oh, the boy's mad.

0:18:050:18:06

Romford...

0:18:060:18:08

Wish me luck!

0:18:090:18:11

It worked!

0:18:230:18:25

I have superpowers!

0:18:250:18:27

Halt! Who goes there?

0:18:270:18:30

Ooh, nothing can defeat me!

0:18:300:18:32

Oi! Twinkle toes!

0:18:320:18:33

I said, who goes there?

0:18:330:18:35

Oh, shut your cakehole, you stinking great halfwit!

0:18:350:18:39

What did you call me?

0:18:390:18:40

A stinking great halfwit!

0:18:400:18:42

And I'll go further!

0:18:420:18:43

You're a dance! A dimwit!

0:18:430:18:45

A flatulent nincompoop!

0:18:450:18:46

Oh! You're going to get such a clobbering.

0:18:460:18:49

Oh, really?

0:18:490:18:51

Ah!

0:18:540:18:55

Ooh.

0:18:570:18:58

Oh, come on.

0:19:000:19:02

I'm not that difficult to control.

0:19:020:19:04

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:040:19:06

Well, it's not that simple!

0:19:250:19:26

You can't just come up with a special move!

0:19:260:19:29

Yeah, you have to plan and refine them.

0:19:290:19:31

Come up with my special move or I'll make you all 8-bit.

0:19:310:19:36

Come on, Console, this is getting silly.

0:19:360:19:39

-Agh!

-Ugh!

-Ah!

0:19:400:19:43

We're all lo-fi! This is horrible!

0:19:430:19:47

My smooth edges!

0:19:470:19:48

Where are my lovely smooth edges? Oh, make it stop!

0:19:480:19:52

I can only move from side to side! This is awful!

0:19:520:19:55

OK, we'll think of one!

0:19:550:19:57

SIGHS OF RELIEF

0:20:000:20:02

Right, OK.

0:20:090:20:11

Here it is. Your special move.

0:20:110:20:15

Well, what do you think?

0:20:200:20:23

Wow.

0:20:230:20:24

Impressive.

0:20:250:20:27

Yeah, I've never seen that done better!

0:20:270:20:30

Yeah, it's, uh...unique.

0:20:300:20:32

I thought it was very stylish!

0:20:320:20:35

Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

0:20:350:20:37

Let's do it again.

0:20:370:20:39

Ugh.

0:20:390:20:40

What's the matter, Riley?

0:20:530:20:54

I tried to sit on my bed and it disappeared.

0:20:540:20:57

-I think the Console's erased it.

-Never mind the bed!

0:20:570:21:00

The whole bathroom's gone missing.

0:21:000:21:02

That's outrageous!

0:21:020:21:04

Where are we supposed to...

0:21:040:21:06

you know, go?

0:21:060:21:07

Why not wait until you're in your game

0:21:070:21:09

and then, you know, go behind a tree?

0:21:090:21:12

I'm not going behind any tree!

0:21:120:21:14

That forest is enchanted. I intend to keep it that way.

0:21:140:21:16

-This is a nightmare!

-Why are you complaining?

0:21:160:21:19

There's toilets in your game.

0:21:190:21:20

Oh, I never use the toilets in Zombie City.

0:21:200:21:23

-Why not?

-Full of zombies.

0:21:230:21:25

-And there's always a massive queue.

-This isn't the only console.

0:21:250:21:28

I suggest we pop into the internet port and try to find another one.

0:21:280:21:32

Yeah...

0:21:320:21:34

I don't think that would necessarily be the better option.

0:21:340:21:38

Playing archive.

0:21:380:21:39

What's the problem?

0:21:390:21:41

It's online. Who knows what kind of weirdos are out there?

0:21:410:21:44

Rrrripley!

0:21:440:21:47

Got you now! Ha-ha-ha!

0:21:470:21:49

Argh!

0:21:490:21:51

Are thee alreet, lad? You look like you don't even recognise me.

0:21:510:21:55

Whatever it is I've done to upset you, I'm really very sorry.

0:21:550:21:59

Did someone say shoulder rub?

0:21:590:22:02

That's your Kiki?

0:22:020:22:03

What you trying to say, mate?

0:22:030:22:05

What're you going to do, big man?

0:22:050:22:07

What're you going to do now you're in the vice?

0:22:070:22:09

Nothing! That's what!

0:22:090:22:11

Hurgh!

0:22:110:22:13

-Aethelwynne?

-Yeah, I just totally unloaded on this troll.

0:22:140:22:17

He was like, "You'll not cross my bridge!"

0:22:170:22:19

I was like, "We'll see about that!"

0:22:190:22:21

He was like, "I guess we will," and then I was like, boom!

0:22:210:22:25

Knocked him off the bridge into the stream! It was like, game over!

0:22:250:22:28

Game over! Hurgh!

0:22:280:22:31

-That sounds...pretty cool?

-Oh, yeah, it was way cool.

0:22:310:22:34

And he was like, "Oh!

0:22:340:22:35

"Oh, I made such a mistake not respecting the A-man's awesomeness!"

0:22:350:22:40

Believe!

0:22:400:22:42

A-man - one! Troll - nil!

0:22:420:22:46

Oh, good lord. Not another troll anecdote.

0:22:460:22:49

Let me guess, you threw him off a bridge?

0:22:490:22:52

Boom! Splash! Hnnngh!

0:22:520:22:55

Well, you certainly paint quite a picture.

0:22:550:22:58

That's what, the third troll dunking this week?

0:22:580:23:00

The stream must be positively littered with the poor beasts.

0:23:000:23:04

Yeah, they're like, "I'm in a stream!

0:23:040:23:06

"I got pushed in by the A-man! This is awful!"

0:23:060:23:09

Rrragh!

0:23:090:23:11

Yes, well, your powers of expression astonish me.

0:23:110:23:13

Console?

0:23:130:23:16

Why did you erase the bathroom?

0:23:160:23:18

It was taking up too much memory.

0:23:180:23:21

'Come to think of it, you know what takes up most space of all?

0:23:210:23:24

You lot.

0:23:240:23:26

I'm going to get rid of one of you. I choose...

0:23:260:23:29

Sergeant Riley.

0:23:290:23:30

No, you can't.

0:23:300:23:31

I'm doing it for you, Romford.

0:23:310:23:33

It's all right. You don't have to pretend.

0:23:330:23:35

Don't you remember? You said you could really do without him.

0:23:350:23:39

I said nothing of the sort!

0:23:390:23:40

Playing archive.

0:23:400:23:43

'Sometimes, I could really do without Riley.'

0:23:440:23:47

Oh, right. Yeah. That.

0:23:470:23:49

Erasing Riley from hard drive.

0:23:490:23:52

Oh, yeah! Thanks a lot, Romford!

0:23:550:23:57

We can't let this happen! We need to find a way to reset her.

0:23:570:24:01

OK, let's overload her processors.

0:24:010:24:03

It'll force her to restart and she'll finish the upgrade.

0:24:030:24:06

How do we overload her?

0:24:060:24:07

We do the most complex things possible to tie up the memory.

0:24:070:24:11

Aethelwynne! Come on, you must have some pretty elaborate coding.

0:24:110:24:16

Oh, is that what you call it?

0:24:160:24:17

What's the most complicated thing you do?

0:24:170:24:19

I suppose that would be magical embroidery.

0:24:190:24:22

I cast spells while embroidering a mystical landscape on a quilt.

0:24:220:24:26

I normally do a fairy castle or unicorns.

0:24:260:24:29

-I'm rather good at unicorns.

-Fine, just do it!

0:24:290:24:32

Right. I'll get my adamantine thimble out.

0:24:320:24:36

Oh, there we go.

0:24:360:24:37

I always keep it handy.

0:24:370:24:40

Kiki, we need to put more pressure on her.

0:24:400:24:42

All right, Claireparker. I know what to do.

0:24:420:24:45

Oi, Console!

0:24:460:24:48

Render this!

0:24:490:24:50

No!

0:24:520:24:53

Stop it!

0:24:530:24:54

-Alexia, what can you do?

-Umm...

0:24:540:24:57

I could drain her power by using it to feed my sense of superiority.

0:24:570:25:01

Oh, great idea.

0:25:010:25:03

Yeah, I know!

0:25:030:25:04

Arrrghh!

0:25:060:25:08

That's very good!

0:25:090:25:10

OK, it's working!

0:25:100:25:12

Rex, what's 15 plus half of 128

0:25:120:25:15

minus the square root of 144?

0:25:150:25:18

Um...

0:25:180:25:20

What are you doing?

0:25:200:25:23

Riley, what's the hardest part of your game?

0:25:230:25:25

Well, I suppose I find the strategy quite challenging.

0:25:250:25:28

Hmm, how pathetic!

0:25:280:25:30

What I could do is play myself

0:25:300:25:32

at the three most challenging tactical games in the world.

0:25:320:25:35

Chess, draughts,

0:25:350:25:37

-and Hungry Hippos.

-Great! Do it!

0:25:370:25:39

What will you do?

0:25:390:25:41

I'm going to beat the living daylights out of a watermelon.

0:25:410:25:45

OK, everyone. Let's do it!

0:25:470:25:50

Nnngh!

0:25:530:25:55

It's no use!

0:25:550:25:56

I'm a 64-bit console! I can handle it.

0:25:560:25:59

Romford! We need more!

0:25:590:26:01

Use your invigorating power thing!

0:26:020:26:05

Well, I suppose that would be

0:26:050:26:07

the high-resolution, high-definition light and laser display.

0:26:070:26:11

No, Romford. Don't listen to her.

0:26:120:26:14

I'll erase them all.

0:26:140:26:16

It'll be just you and me. Hotpants and circuit boards for ever!

0:26:160:26:20

Appealing as that sounds,

0:26:200:26:22

I'll have to go with saving my friends.

0:26:220:26:25

And Aethelwynne.

0:26:250:26:27

Ooh! Ooh.

0:26:270:26:29

Oh, lumme, that's done it!

0:26:310:26:33

I've seen better light...shoooows...

0:26:330:26:36

No! No!

0:26:360:26:39

Too many functions...to process!

0:26:390:26:41

Romford! Rom-forrrd...

0:26:410:26:45

-Here we go. Oh!

-Good one! Let's do it.

0:26:470:26:50

-Ready? Woo!

-Thanks, Console.

0:26:500:26:54

This is the Console. You're welcome.

0:26:540:26:56

Cheers, love.

0:26:560:26:58

Ow!

0:27:010:27:02

Ooh! Oh, come on, sweetheart. Don't be like that.

0:27:020:27:06

Ow!

0:27:060:27:08

How's Rex?

0:27:080:27:10

No change.

0:27:100:27:11

The answer is, uh...

0:27:240:27:27

Sorry, what was the question again?

0:27:270:27:30

Hello?

0:27:320:27:34

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:440:27:47

This is the Console.

0:27:470:27:48

Please go to the CBBC website

0:27:480:27:50

where the Pixelface games can be played.

0:27:500:27:53

Download Subtitles

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