Joe Swash Remote Control Star

Have you ever wanted to control a celebrity?

Make your wish their command?

This is the show where three mates take charge of a star for the day,

controlling them through funny situations like these.

Kick the bench down by accident.

You've got to accidentally spill cereal all over the place.

Oh, dear.

Start dancing.

# I'm the king of the jungle. Yes, I am. #

-Now be a duck.

-Quack, quack.

All the action takes place in our celebrity house.

It's rigged from top to bottom with hidden cameras and microphones.

And our remote controllers will be based here,

in this hi-tech control room,

giving their star instructions via a secret earpiece.

It's time to remote control another star.

Let's meet today's remote controllers.

My name's Euan and I'd be amazing at remote control star

because I can think of great ideas.

I'm Priya. I maybe the youngest, but I'm definitely the brainiest.

I'm Alex and I know we're going to be great at this

because we can work brilliantly as a team.

We all like playing pranks on each other.

One time I made trick cakes and they tasted really disgusting

and Euan and Alex ate them.

She put Marmite and stuff like that in it and it tasted horrid.

So, let's get on with the show.

-Haven't you forgotten something?

-Have I not done me make-up?

No, your face looks fine.

There's two of us, three remote controllers -

what's the secret ingredient?

Ah, our star!

Today's star used to be Mickey Miller in EastEnders

and he was also King of the Jungle.

-Are we ready?

-Yes.

Look who it is, Joe Swash!

You got it right.

Hello. Nice to see you. Nice to see.

How are we? Excited.

-Yes.

-I'm a little bit nervous.

Remember, Joe, these are top remote controllers as well,

and they're going to give you some orders.

-And you have to obey, no matter how awful.

-Yeah.

I do promise to obey your orders, but on a scale of one to ten,

how silly are you going to make me look today?

-Ten.

-Well, I've got my work cut out for me. Thanks a lot, guys.

What I've got here, Joe, is a hidden earpiece. You pop that in.

-OK.

-Are you ready for your first task?

Yes, I'm ready.

-I'm ready and I'm nervous.

-Go on. You go that way. You go that way.

-Look after me!

-Are you ready, then?

-Yes.

Come on, let's go to it. Come on.

Joe's in position in the sitting room.

Four cameras are covering his every move.

It's time for the first of his three challenges.

Hi, Joe, it's JK. Can you hear me?

-I can hear you.

-The story is that you're going abroad

for three weeks and you need a professional dog minder

to look after your precious dog,

called Bertie, while you're away. OK?

-Lovely, lovely.

-Now, of course, you being a star, you're very precious

about who looks after your dog and who you leave your dog with.

I am precious about that stuff.

We have called in a professional dog nanny and

you've got to make sure this person is the right person for your dog.

-Yes.

-And what you've got to do is get the dog nanny

to pretend to be a dog within ten minutes.

Oh.

He's got just ten minutes to get the dog nanny to be a dog

when she thinks she's come for a normal meeting.

Tasks will pop up on this screen.

Will the remote controllers be able to get Joe to do them?

Joe, the remote controllers are going to tell you

what to do and what to say.

All you've got to do is use your wit, your charm

and your top acting skills. Are you ready for this?

-You forgot about my good looks.

-Sorry!

Remote controllers, are you ready?

Yes. Right, listen out for the doorbell.

What am I going to say to her?

BELL RINGS

-Hello.

-Hello.

-You must be Lucy.

-I am. Sorry I'm so late.

-Lucy, come in out of the cold.

I'm Joe. How are you?

Fine, thank you. So no dog to greet me?

No, no, the dog's at my mum's for a couple of days

just before we go away.

-She's getting some doggy time in, you know?

-Oh, right. OK.

Cameras are rigged up, Joe's in place, the dog trainer has arrived.

It's now over to the remote controllers.

Can they get Joe to keep the dog nanny occupied for ten whole minutes?

Here we go. Yikes!

-He went to the vet because he had this little...

-Your vet?

-We go to Dave's Vets.

-..for three consecutive days...

You know, sorry, I've just remembered my vet.

Dave's Vets. Dave's Village Vets.

-I've never heard of him.

-Never heard of him?

-Never heard of him.

He's had the runs. He's had a bit of diarrhoea.

So something is floating around his body.

Say, "What are you going on about?"

So what are you going on about?

STIFLED LAUGHTER

How will they cope with this?

Get the dog nanny to treat you like a dog.

She must train, groom and feed you.

And, also, I think he might have a touch of the fleas.

I don't know where he's got them from.

What you need to do is to put a regular anti-flea treatment on him.

-Yeah.

-Whereabouts shall I put them, on his tummy?

So, say I was a dog, where would you put it on me.

Just behind the neck?

-Yeah.

-Why is it always on the neck that they put it?

I don't know, but you shouldn't put it on

when you've just washed the coat.

OK. And I think my dog might be going a little bit senile.

What he does is he goes round, and he'll go in a circle like that.

And then he'll put his leg up.

Ask her how she would train them.

If I was going round and then weeing up you

and then going around and weeing up you...

I would teach you that the word, "Uh-uh"...

Say I was a dog, what would you do to stop me?

-Show me what you'd have to do.

-Will you show me what you'll have to do?

So I if I was dog now and I was going round in a circle,

-spinning, weeing, spinning...

-Ah! Ah!

See, and the noise would distract him.

That was actually quite scary.

Hopefully, it'll work with him.

Cool, she's a great dog trainer and now a Joe Swash trainer, too.

Joe, you must be hungry after all that doggy behaviour.

But yet you've got food down on the floor.

Yes. Yes.

Eat some.

I know it sounds funny, but I like to have a little taste of it

to see the salt content.

I know that's a little bit crazy, but...

Thankfully, it's only beef stew, not dog food, but she doesn't know that.

-Would you like to...?

-No, no, definitely not.

It smells disgusting, it looks disgusting. I wouldn't touch that.

No, we just kind of...

It just tastes... See, it's disgusting. We'll take this out for you.

Yeah, it's making me feel ill looking at it.

-You're sure you don't want to taste?

-No. No.

-Sure?

-No, no.

Getting Joe Swash to eat pretend dog dinner was classic.

Good work, remote controllers.

Only four minutes left. What's next?

I can't wait to see them deal with this one. Ruff, ruff!

You must now get the trainer to be a dog.

Will you be my dog for one second, just so I show you?

-You could just show it on the floor.

-OK. So if I went, "No!"

No, I wouldn't touch him. I wouldn't touch him.

There's no need to touch him.

Unless he's completely deaf,

he'll hear the noise. So there's no need to...

Will you pretend to be a dog so I can have a go on the floor?

-Yeah, I can be on the floor.

-So, right.

I haven't done this before, but yeah.

So spin around, pretend you're having a wee.

-Spin.

-Do you know, I've never seen a dog spin round to have a wee.

I've seen Spaniels spin around a lot when they have a poo.

He does like to spin. He spins.

Go on, if you spin round.

Spin. Spin. And I go, "No!"

LAUGHTER

Don't hit him on the head. Don't...

-Just the floor?

-Just the floor. It's just the noise.

-So it's "Ah-ah-ah!"

-Ah-ah-ah.

Joe deserves a Crufts rosette for that dog nanny training.

Two minutes left.

Joe's been amazing under Priya, Euan and Alex's control,

but time's nearly up and she needs to howl three times.

You must both howl three times each.

I don't know. How would you feel about always...

Cos when I shouted at him last time, he turned into a little wolf.

He was going "Awoo! Awoo! Awoo!"

-You do it.

-Can you do...?

Are you good at doing doggy noises cos you spend time with them?

-You're doing a good job. Don't worry.

-Not long left.

Nice howling, Joe, but you've got to persuade her to join in. Hurry up!

-He goes...

-Then he is quite content, very relaxed.

-Running out of time. Clock's ticking.

-Running out of time.

-Yeah, well, can you do a couple of examples of...?

-Five seconds.

I think you're doing fine.

I don't need to get down on my back on the floor.

Time's up. Great job from the remote controllers and the star.

-Let's reveal the joke.

-You see the box there?

-Yeah.

-You see the box there?

-Yeah.

-You see the box there? You see the box there?

-Yeah.

-You're on telly.

-Oh, my god. Oh, really?

-You were absolutely fantastic.

-You was amazing. You were brilliant.

Thank you so much.

-You were fantastic.

-So I haven't really got your dog to look after?

-No, you haven't.

-That isn't even my dog.

The best moment for me was when

he was running around doing an example of how

a dog went to the toilet, running in circles and then cocking up her leg.

We all feel relieved that it all worked out well.

So, remote controllers,

are you ready to control your star, Joe Swash,

who is sitting right there, through his next batch of trouble?

-Yes!

-And are we going to get him into lots of trouble?

-Yes!

Joe, are you up for that?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? Good. We're taking you out of the celebrity mansion

and you're going out on the streets.

And let me tell you, it's going to be a close shave beating this one.

-Is that a clue?

-Well, it might be. Do you want to find out?

-Yes.

Come on, let's go.

Joe's out on the streets ready for the challenge.

He's got 15 minutes to really test out

his powers of celebrity persuasion

by casting and shooting an advert for his fake shaving foam.

I told you this would be a close shave.

The remote controllers will be bossing Joe

through his sneaky earpiece from inside this van.

Joe, it's Joel, can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you, mate.

-This is Swashbuckling shaving foam.

-It sounds good.

You've got to get as many people as you can off the street to join in

-your advert for your shaving foam.

-My advert?

-Your advert.

-OK.

Next, you need to get those volunteers

to put on big foamy beards.

And finally, you're going to have to get you and the volunteers

to sing a shaving song, which is made up by our remote controllers.

Have you got all that information?

There's a lot there, but I think it's all gone in.

Most of the cameras are hidden,

but the public can see Joe's got an advert crew who are filming him.

First off, he's got five minutes to round up as many people as possible

to be in his ad. Are you up for it?

-I'm ready.

-Let's do this.

-Come on, then. Come on, remote controllers.

Here we go. Hello, mate.

-Darling...

-Get someone who has a beard.

Come on. I need someone with a beard.

Do you want to be in my advert for shaving foam?

-No, thank you.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Oh, what a shame.

Such a great beard as well.

He would have been perfect.

I think that's a no. Right, let's get some more people.

Here we go. Hello mate, how are you?

Do you want to be in my advert?

Say, "Can I try your hat?"

Say, "Can I try your hat?"

Can I true your hat on? Am I allowed or is it stuck on?

Oh, you look lovely.

Now he's got someone, can he get them to wear a beard?

Just try a little bit on, try a little bit on. Ready?

-Just put a bit on round...

-Wow, Joe's got an officer of the law

-obeying the remote controllers' soapy commands.

-That's enough.

LAUGHTER

Stay there. Don't move, I'm going to get some more people.

Joe, you've got four minutes left. Hurry up.

Let's try down here.

Mister, boss, what's happening?

-Nice hat, I love it.

-Will you do me a favour?

-Yeah.

-I like your hat.

That's a blinding hat. Will you come and be in my advert?

I'm doing an advert for shaving foam.

All you've got to do is come here,

just going to put a bit of this on, just like a little beard.

-Uh-huh.

-There we go. Lovely.

-You look good in it. It looks good.

-Put some on his nose.

It's all right now.

Lovely, all right.

Two down, he's cleaning up at this challenge. But Joe needs to hurry up

and find a few more volunteers.

Come here.

I need to stick that on there. And then wait there with these guys.

Try not to get it all over.

One more person, I need another person.

Quick! Do you want to be in my advert?

Boss, do you want to be in my advert? Come on, mate.

Come on, be in my advert.

-It's for shaving foam.

-Ten, nine, eight...

There we go. Watch you don't get none on your top.

A little bit on the nose. Right.

Right, OK, Joe, Joe, that's it.

Time's up.

Priya, Alex and Euan have helped Joe to gather his cast

to star in the advert, but can Joe convince them to actually sing?

The remote controllers have five minutes

to come up with a Swash song,

but their actors might walk off if they're too slow.

Right, we're going to have to perform a song. Right?

Whenever you need a wash, use Swash foam.

Do you want to have a solo?

And then go home.

-Euan's going to tell you the song.

-Right, are you ready, guys?

I'm going to sing it first and then you can all follow me afterwards.

-OK.

-Ready?

-After you wash.

-After you wash.

-Use my Swash foam.

After you wash, use my Swash foam.

And then go home.

And then go home - we're rapping.

And then you say, "And I'm in the zone."

And I'm in the zone. Ready?

Are we ready, guys?

Can Joe get them to actually sing the Swash song?

Ready? One, two, a-one, two, three.

# After you wash, use some Swash foam

# Then you go home and get in the zone. #

CHEERING

Get the guy on the far left to get more involved.

Ready, one more time. We're going to put a bit of effort into this one.

One, two, a-one, two, three.

# After you wash, use the Swash foam

# Then you go home and get in the zone. # Yeah!

-Yeah.

-Right, Joe's done it! Brilliant.

Tell them what's been going on.

I've got an earpiece, and there's three guys in the van

and they've been telling me what to do.

-This has been brilliant.

-You were all fantastic sports.

The public, I don't think they had any idea that it was all a big prank.

It was really exciting when all the people were doing the dance.

I didn't think they'd do it.

-And get in the zone!

-I think it went, overall, really well, yeah.

-Guys, you want to have a little bit?

-No, no!

-No!

Come on! Come one!

I'm not having any of that!

-Rock, paper, scissors!

-I'm a cowboy!

HE GROWLS

It's great that all these stars have agreed to be remote controlled.

But to make it fair,

JK and I have agreed to take a taste of our own medicine.

This is JK and Joel, Remote Controlled.

Remote Control.

This is the part of the show where we have to do what we're told

by remote control text message.

We never know what's coming, but we have promised to obey every order,

no matter how awful.

Now, here's a text.

"Wear the speaker of shame under your jacket."

-OK. So you've got to stick that on?

-Big chunky necklace time.

-And what does it actually do?

-'I am the speaker of shame.

'I shout embarrassing things when you least expect.'

Right. OK. Like what?

'I have dirty pants on.'

THEY LAUGH

-We're laughing now.

-'You must wear me for ten minutes

'on the busy high street and suffer as I shame you.'

-OK.

-Zip up and, you're first.

Thank you.

Time to be embarrassed.

Do you know where the car park is, where the lifts are?

-Right at the end there.

-'I've got dirty pants on.'

-Yep.

-It's somewhere up there.

-Just down there.

SHE LAUGHS

Excuse me, love, can you show us where I am on this map?

'Can someone help me get out of this man's coat?

'I'm stuck inside. Help.'

Excuse me, you don't know a decent curry house, do you?

Yeah, go down the high street.

'Don't believe him, he's a liar.'

All men are!

Is there a bus station around here?

I don't know about a station.

'I'm a grown man,

'but my mummy still likes to tuck me up in bed at night.'

What's that? What's that?

What was making that noise?

-What noise?

-When I walked past, something made...

'I've got dirty pants on.'

-Where? What?

-I don't know what it is.

'I've got dirty pants on. They're making a terrible noise.'

FARTING

I do apologise. I think it's the radio in here.

'That speaker was super shameful.

'It can't be worse next time, can it?'

We're back at the celebrity house with our remote controllers

Priya, Alex and Euan. And in the kitchen,

it looks like someone's forgotten to do the washing up.

Could the messy culprit be our star, Joe Swash?

Or is all part of another prank? Joe, it's JK, can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you. How are you?

Here's your next challenge. As a famous celebrity,

you don't like getting your hands dirty,

-so you don't like washing up or cooking.

-Pretty spot on.

So we've fixed it for you to have a large food delivery

-and it's going to come very soon.

-OK.

-There is some bad news.

-I knew there'd be some bad news.

You have to get the delivery person, whoever that may be,

-to go beyond the call of duty.

-You've got 15 minutes

from when he arrives to get him to do all your washing up.

Honestly?

What do I say to him when he comes in?

"Oh, look, do my dishes. I'm going to sit down for a minute"?

I have good news. Our remote controllers will guide you

through and give you orders.

And you think that's good news, do you? All right.

-Good luck, Joe.

-Thank you.

So the main challenge is to persuade the food delivery guy

to finish a mountain of washing up within 15 minutes.

As always, tricky tasks will be popping up on the screen

to make our remote controllers' job even harder.

-Are you all ready for this?

-Yeah.

Right, just wait for the guy now.

I wouldn't want to come in someone's house and do their dishes, no way.

-He's pulling up outside.

-Is he pulling up outside?

DOOR BELL

-He's here.

-All right, here we go. Keep your fingers crossed, guys.

-Hi there.

-Hello, mate. Thank you very much. Come in.

-Do you want me to take some of that for you?

-Fantastic.

Lovely. So what have we got here?

Nice hair.

-I like your hair.

-Huh?

-You've got cool hair.

A very rock style.

Yeah, we've worked out he's got cool hair.

Now here's a task.

Get him to unpack and taste all the take-away.

Will you do us a favour, will you help me unpack these?

If that's all right.

Say he really needs...

No, do a taste test. "I really think it'll be poisonous."

Do a taste test. "I really think it'll be poisonous."

It isn't going to make me sick, is it?

-Course it's not.

-Will you do a taste test with me?

-A taste test?

-Yeah.

No, say, "I'm scared it might be spicy. Can you take the first taste?"

I'm a bit worried it might be too spicy.

-Is it spicy this food?

-Not at all.

They've tried their hardest, but he's not just tasting the grub.

Perhaps he's already had his tea.

-Next challenge.

-Time for the next task.

You've got five minutes left to beg the delivery person to wash up.

What have we got here?

You know what, I've got to do this house before,

before everyone arrives.

I had me...

-You've got to what?

-I've got some friends coming round later.

Listen, will you do me a favour? I know it sounds a little bit cheeky.

The thing is that my girlfriend hasn't tidied up

and the place is an absolute tip.

I've got people coming round for the take-away

and it's quite an important dinner. Will you help me?

-Yeah...

-Will you do the dishes for me and then I'll lay the table out.

-OK.

-Will that be a problem?

-Have you got the time to do that?

-Yeah, sure.

I mean, is that all right?

I'm just going to tidy this stuff up.

That was cool to get him to agree to help so quick.

Next time I'm tidying my room, I'm going to call him.

THEY GIGGLE

So what time's your party?

They're coming over in about 45 minutes.

-Are they?

-Are you from Ireland?

Are you from Ireland?

-Where's your accent from?

-Edinburgh.

Edinburgh? I was in Edinburgh. I've been twice this year to Edinburgh.

-Is that in Wales?

-Edinburgh's... Is Edinburgh in Wales?

Ha-ha! You're having a laugh. No, Scotland.

Of course, it's in bonny Scotland. I don't know what I was thinking.

Maybe it wasn't Edinburgh that I went to.

The pile of washing up's going down and Joe hasn't lifted a finger.

Nice work.

Explain you have celebrity hands and you can't do any manual work.

I'd love to get in there and help you, but I've got celebrity hands

and celebrity hands are notorious for being very delicate

when it comes to washing up or manual labour.

I'm going to have to leave it with you,

because I've got to look after these.

Feel them, feel how soft they are.

Feel my hands. It is like a cloud, isn't it?

They're soft enough.

I'll put some of these over there.

Joe did amazingly there.

It is sounded like he really meant it about the celebrity hands.

Shout out, "I'm the king of the jungle."

I'm the king of the jungle!

And again.

I'm the king of the jungle!

Do a celebration dance.

When I won the jungle, I had like a little dance that I done.

So my celebration dance, it goes - # I'm the king of the jungle

# Yes, I am I'm the king. #

Can you have a go?

Do you reckon you could do that?

HE LAUGHS

The remote controllers are on fire. What will they make Joe do next?

Pretend to slip over.

Oh!

I think that floor was a little bit wet.

-It's all that dancing.

-I think that floor was a bit wet.

That's all right, don't worry about me. I'll be all right.

Slip over again.

Tell him to help you up.

Give us a hand. I've just done it again.

I don't know what's the matter.

It's not the...

Watch it, it's really, really slippery around there.

It's not the floor.

With those kind of stunts, Joe should be in Hollywood.

Finally, the delivery guy's back at the sink.

Come on, focus on the last few dishes.

There's only two minutes left to get him to finish all the washing up.

Let's get some cups out, shall we?

If you want to carry on with them dishes.

Say, "Just give them a good scrub."

"Just give them a good scrub. Don't be lazy."

Make sure they're clean as well. I don't want no slacking.

Listen, I'm trying my best not to.

Go over it really quickly. That's it.

Yes! Joe got the delivery man to clear the whole sink.

Great work, remote controllers. Time to reveal the joke.

Tell him he's completed it.

You've completed it. Reveal it.

I'm going to have to tell you the truth,

you've been on a hidden camera show.

THEY LAUGH

Thank you so much for being a good sport.

Billy, you are the nicest man I think we've possibly ever met.

-Billy would have done it all.

-He would have!

Billy, can I ask you something? Did you not find it a bit strange?

Normally, do you go up to somebody's door and go,

"Thanks very much," and take the 20 quid?

Everybody's different. But no-one's ever fallen over before.

I think that went really well.

We got him to do everything and more.

The delivery man did absolutely everything

and even got really well in with the dishes.

Funniest part had to be when Joe kept slipping over. Several times.

I think Joe's performance was really good

and the delivery man definitely believed him.

Hey!

Do you know what, it's been a really tough day today.

Joe, how have you felt? Has it been good?

Towards the end, it was quite enjoyable.

I was a bit scared in the beginning,

but you guys were brilliant, so well done.

-What was the best bit of the day?

-My favourite part of the day was

when he started putting shaving foam all over those people's faces.

Euan, what was your favourite part of the day?

My favourite part of the day was when you said that Edinburgh is in Wales.

Is Edinburgh in Wales?

No, Scotland.

I actually really did think it was in Wales, but we won't say anything.

We have something for you.

Caps and jackets and all sorts over there.

-Excuse me?

-No, you can't have one.

Remote controllers, you've been brilliant.

Joe is not going to forget you in a hurry.

That's it, until the next time when we put a star

with our remote controllers, here on...

ALL: Remote Control Star!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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