Saira Khan Remote Control Star

Have you ever wanted to control a celebrity?

Make your wish their command?

This is the show where three mates take charge of a star for the day,

controlling them through funny situations, like these.

Kick the bench down by accident.

You've got to accidentally spill cereal all over the place.

Oh, dear.

Start dancing.

# I'm the king of the jungle, yes, I am. #

Now be a duck.

All the action takes place in our celebrity house.

It's rigged from top to bottom with hidden cameras and microphones.

And our remote controllers will be based here...

..in this hi tech control room, giving their star instructions

via a secret earpiece.

It's time to remote-control another star.

CHEERING

Let's meet today's remote controllers.

Hi, I'm Bethie, I'm the prankster of the group,

and once I put itching powder into someone's pants.

My name's Amelia and I'm the organised one of the group.

And I like bossing these two around.

Hi, I'm Matthew and no-one... no-one bosses me around.

I think Bethie is going to bring good luck.

Because she's like the prankster,

she's probably going to make everything, like, really funny.

Matthew's really funny so he'll bring lots of laughter.

Amelia's quite organised and she won't let us muck about.

So we've got our remote controllers. All we need now is today's star.

-Have you got one?

-Yep, sorted.

-Brilliant.

In fact, I've got a clue for you.

I'm playing this computer game but I can't get to the next level.

I just can't beat the boss.

Today's star is a business genius and TV presenter of Beat The Boss.

-Are you ready, remote controllers?

-Yes.

It's Saira Khan.

Aah! Hello!

-Lovely to meet you.

-Hello.

What have you got in store today?

We're going to make it fun but it is going to be humiliating.

And embarrassing and funny.

-So humiliating, fun, embarrassing.

-Yes.

-Sounds all right, doesn't it?

I like the fun bit but I'm not sure about the rest.

Do you promise to obey all orders from our remote controllers,

-no matter how awful?

-Yes, I promise.

-Yeah!

-Brilliant! This is your hidden earpiece.

-OK.

You need to wear that.

-Ready for your first challenge?

-I am.

Good luck. You go that way. Remote controllers, ready?

Whoop, whoop, kerching, oh, yeah!

-I think that was a "yes".

-Yes!

-Come on, let's go.

Saira's in the sitting room.

Four cameras cover her every move.

It's time for the first of her three challenges.

Saira, it's JK, can you hear me?

-I can.

-Here's the good news.

-OK?

-'Being a successful business woman celebrity...'

you're going to be having a relaxing massage

-to unwind from all the stress.

-That's nice.

-I know, we're those kind of guys.

-Yeah, I like that.

It's Joel here, with some bad news.

-Oh.

-'You have to spend the entire session...'

boasting to your masseur about a new book that you're writing.

OK.

The book you're writing is The Seven Secrets Of Saira's Success...

which, by the way, is going to be totally rubbish.

It's OK, the remote controllers will tell you exactly what to say and do.

All right.

She's got ten minutes to boast about her book to the masseur

who thinks he's come for a normal massage session.

Tasks will pop up on this screen.

Will the remote controllers be able to get Saira to do them?

And remember, when the masseur gets here,

he knows nothing about the hidden cameras.

-WHISPERS:

-Listen out for the doorbell. Get ready.

Gosh.

Oh, no, I'm getting really nervous.

Oh, that' the bell.

-WHISPERS:

-He's coming. He's coming, he's definitely coming now.

-Hi. How are you?

-I'm really good.

Are you all right? Nice to meet you.

The camera's ready, Saira's ready. Masseur's in the house.

Over to the remote controllers.

Can they get Saira to make this massage strange for ten minutes?

Here we go, can't wait for this.

When was the last time you had a massage?

Oh...well, the last time I had a massage... Oh, God, can't remember.

12 years ago.

About 12 years ago. Yeah!

No, actually, no.

Apart from the one I had last week.

Actually...do you know what?

Do you know what? I think I had one about last week.

Really? OK, well obviously your mind is so full of other things going on.

And I'm so busy.

It's just being a celebrity and stuff.

Just, you know, being on telly and being a celebrity

-and all the celebrity things I do...

-Everyone wants you.

Everybody wants me, everybody wants me,

you know, here, there, everywhere.

-Do you like my painting?

-Do you like my painting that I did?

-You did this?

-I did that, do you like that?

-My daughter did it.

Um, actually I have to tell you,

I didn't do it. It was my daughter that did it.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah.

Set up the table.

-Shall we set the table up?

-Sure.

-That'd be great.

Actually, I do recognise your face.

-Do you?

-Yes, yes.

I was in Coronation Street.

Actually I was in Coronation Street.

-Coronation Street?

-Yeah.

-They sent me something

to say that you were in The Apprentice.

Yeah, yeah, no, no. It was...

You know... People get confused.

-Yeah.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah.

-And EastEnders.

-Oh, and I did a bit of EastEnders as well.

-'And Emmerdale.'

And Emmerdale. Do you watch any of these programmes?

I used to, but not any more.

Great remote controlling. They've got Saira talking in circles.

She'll say she was in Holby City next,

but she is starting to look like a bit like a CASUALTY.

She can't help giggling, she's really got to hold it in.

Saira's got to pretend that this

is one of her favourite secrets for success.

"Shout 'show me the money' as loud as you can. Keep shouting it."

Sorry.

Show me the money!

Show me the money!

Show me the money! Show me the money!

-Show me the money!

-But why?

It's just business.

How weird does he think Saira is now?

Here's another one of Saira's secrets for success.

"Demonstrate how to breathe for success -

"like, sounding like a pig or a horse."

Well the thing is I'm writing a book

and it's called Saira's...Seven...Secrets...

Saira's Seven Secrets Of Success.

The Seven Secrets Of Saira's Success.

-Seven Secrets...

-One of them...

-Seven Secrets Of Saira's Success.

What do you think about that? Do you think that's good?

Yeah, it's got a ring to it.

One of the main secrets, OK, is all about breathing.

And you...this, can I just demonstrate the breathing

that I have to do before I do anything?

I have to breathe like this.

SHE SNORTS AND EXHALES

Do it with me.

Can you do it with me? Can you...

I bet...Listen, if you do it with me, I promise you, it works.

-I will get a sore throat.

-Try it with me.

Please, please, just do this.

SHE SNORTS AND EXHALES

HE EXHALES

But don't you think the snorting bit clears your nasal passages?

-Why don't you try?

-Show me the money.

-Show me the money!

-Show me the money!

That's what you must be saying - show me the money!

Apart from the giggling,

Saira's been great, following these orders.

Can she keep it up, though?

With under one minute left,

here's another of Saira's top tips for how to go up in the world.

"Jump as high as you can to show your success."

The other is the higher you jump, the more money you get.

So if you can jump like this...

Can she get him to jump?

Can you jump higher than me? Go on, then, go on. Go on.

Well done, Saira. Time to reveal the joke.

Smile...

..because you've been...

on a TV programme with hidden cameras!

Wahey!

-You were very good.

-I did say...

I thought something was up.

I'm sorry. You were brilliant. I'm really very, very sorry.

That was just evil.

What did you think about all of that?

Well, I did do some of the stuff. I thought, "This is kind of weird.

"This is a bit weird."

-It was so funny.

-Did you have fun?

-I really enjoyed it and I'm very sorry.

-Round of applause. Well done, you.

-Yay!

-Well done.

-Do you want me to...? Well, you get down.

Oi, get off!

I've seen them do this as well.

Argh!

There you go, that's fine.

My favourite bit was when she was yelling, "Show me the money".

Show me the money! Show me the money!

-That was really funny.

-When she was snorting was really funny.

I think she did really well but she could have held back the giggles.

SHE GIGGLES Actually...do you know what?

Sorry.

Remote controllers, you've done fantastically well.

Time to guide Saira through the next challenge.

Are you going to make it easier or slightly harder?

-A lot harder.

-Loads harder.

Brilliant. We'll take you out of the mansion

and we'll put you on the street.

-With you guys in my ear?

-Yeah!

Saira. One word. Out!

Go on, prepare yourself.

-Be kind, be kind.

-Remote controllers, are you ready?

Whoop, whoop, kerching! Oh, yeah.

Out that way, go.

Saira's out on the streets for a challenge.

She's got 15 minutes to really test her powers of celebrity persuasion

by borrowing a passer-by's mobile phone

while the remote controllers make things tricky for her.

They'll be inside the van, watching and giving Saira orders

through her sneaky earpiece.

Touch your head if you can hear me.

Brilliant.

OK. We're going to have some fun on the streets now.

You need to borrow a random person's mobile phone

for 15 minutes while we have some fun.

I'll hand you over to the remote controllers.

Approach someone now.

Excuse me, I'm really sorry, could I borrow your mobile phone, please?

-I don't understand you.

-Sorry, do you have a mobile phone?

-No.

-You don't have one.

-No.

-OK, thank you.

-She doesn't have a mobile phone.

-Go for someone else, then.

Could I borrow your mobile phone?

I've got no credit, it's just texting.

Oh, right. OK, thank you.

-Not doing well.

-Oh, no-one's got a mobile phone.

She's having trouble getting a handset.

-You've got three minutes to get one.

-OK.

Go to him. Go the man.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-I'm really sorry

but I've locked myself out of my home and I've got to phone my husband,

-could I borrow your mobile phone, please?

-Of course.

-Thank you.

At last, somebody's agreed, what's a gent!

-What's the number?

-Um...

-He's even going to dial the number.

800...

571....

-0800 800...

-571.

Don't bother ringing that, it's not a real number.

-271.

-2,001.

551.

-55...

-Hang on, 571, 624.

-555.

-And 2.

Where are you phoning?

I'm phoning Rolf Harris.

Nice play, Bethie. What a wind-up with that huge phone number.

It's Rolf Harris' phone number.

You know, the painter, Rolf Harris. He's doing a portrait of me.

-He's got this funny number so that nobody can...

-You look like him.

You know, you look a bit like Rolf Harris.

-Go on.

-OK, thank you. Thanks, darling.

-Hello, Rolf, hi.

-Answer the other phone.

Rolf, Rolf, can you hold the line a minute?

What will that kind man think of cheeky Saira

when he realises she has her own phone?

Hello.

Hi, it's your husband.

Oh, Steve! Listen, I'm just on the line to Rolf Harris,

can you just hold on two seconds?

What do you mean you are on the line to Rolf Harris?

He's doing my portrait tonight.

Hold on, hold on, OK.

Rolf, Rolf, I'm really sorry, can you hold on two seconds? Hello, Steve.

-Of course I still love you.

-Of course I still love you.

-Of course I do.

-Can I have the phone?

-Hold on two secs.

-OK, reveal it, reveal it.

-Reveal it.

Just so that you know, you have been part of a hidden camera show.

And you are part of the joke, all right?

All done.

Ahhh!

Congratulations.

Congratulations, for Saira.

It was really good and it was really funny with some people.

One of my favourite instructions was giving her the phone number.

-2001. 800.

-571.

-Yeah?

-571.

Where are you phoning?

She was really good. Because she wasn't like laughing at all.

I'm a cowboy!

Rarr! Rarr!

These stars agreed to be remote controlled

in tricky situations on our show.

To make it fair, we promised to taste our own medicine,

on JK & Joel Remote Controlled.

-And what would you know, a roundabout.

-Yep.

-And what now?

-I don't know.

-Oh, text, here we go.

That'll be it, then.

"Spin the roundabout to learn your fate."

OK.

Fairy.

Duck.

Baby.

Dog.

-Dog.

-Baby.

-And?

-I don't know.

-Oh!

-"You must wear your outfits for 10 minutes on the high street"

-Really?

-Good luck.

-Good luck.

I'm not doing this, I'm a baby.

-Don't be so childish.

-Childish?

-What about you, how do you feel?

-"Ruff".

Oh! Text message.

"You must each wear your outfit for ten minutes on the high street

"and get as strangers to feed you."

Feed us what?

Hahaha.

-What is that?

-Is that baby food?

I presume so. What are they?

-Sausages.

-Good luck.

-Good luck.

Woof, woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof.

Hi, darling, can I borrow you for a second? Can I be your baby?

-Yeah, all right then.

-Just a little spoon.

Mm...

Actually, wipe the corners off for me.

Ah, that's good. Thank you very much, darling, give me a kiss.

I've got a bit on you now. I'm sorry. There you go.

Oh, quick, you've got to help me, please.

just hold it, hold the sausage.

Feed it to me, that's all you have to do. Feed me.

Rarr. Woof, woof, woof. Thank you very much. Do you want one?

Are you sure? Thank you very much.

Ah, Mr Box!

Could you do me a favour, will you just feed me one spoon of that?

-Sure, no problem, don't spill it.

-I won't.

-Mm.

-All right?

-You're a good man. Enjoy your box.

Because I'm a dog, woof, woof, can you feed me some sausage?

Do I have to touch it? I'm vegetarian.

-Are you really?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Well, just take... you can have a wash after.

Go on, quick, feed it to me.

Arrr! Can you scratch my tummy as well?

Oh!

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-Have a lovely day.

-Can I wipe my fingers on...

-Of course.

Can I just stop you for one second?

-You may.

-Aw.

Where's your nappy?

I haven't got a nappy. Would you feed me one spoon?

Oh, yeah. Mm.

-That's your lot. I'm not feeding you any more.

-Thanks, on your way.

-OK, ready? Ruff!

-Oh, my God.

-Thank you. Do you want one?

-No, I don't.

Ready? Pretend I'm a dog.

Woof, woof, woof, woof. Arr!

Mm. Nice.

Mm! Thanks.

No, I'm full now. Thanks.

And the winner of the embarrassing outfit contest...

Joel!

We're back at the celebrity house with our remote controllers,

Bethie, Amelia and Matthew.

Saira's in the kitchen,

with what looks suspiciously like the props for another challenge.

-Ooh!

-Saira, it's JK, do you want to know what you are doing?

-Yes, please.

-I thought you might. Can you see those hats?

I can see a few hats, yes.

They're one of the best new innovations there's ever been

and it's a business idea which will make you millions of pounds.

-OK...

-That is, if you can only get your product out on the market.

-OK.

-Saira, it's Joel.

-Yes?

-We've got a hairdresser coming for you.

A true expert in heads and hair.

She thinks she's giving you a celebrity haircut

but you won't let her loose on your hair.

'Your task is simple.'

Those hats in the corner, you have to make her sell them in her shop.

No. Haha! They're terrible. Hahaha!

-But they're not ordinary headgear.

-They've got lights on them.

'I think you'll find they're special extra features.'

-OK.

-But the remote controllers will guide you through your task.

-All right.

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready, I think.

Remote controllers, listen for the doorbell.

-The hairdresser knows nothing about the cameras.

-Let's get prepared.

So the main challenge is to persuade the hairdresser

these silly hats are the best business idea ever.

As always, tricky tasks will be popping up on the screen

to make our remote controllers' job even harder.

It's going to be tough.

Look at how rubbish those hats are!

Let's hope Saira can hold in her giggles this time.

Straight into the kitchen. Go straight on in.

-Hi, this is Stefanie.

-Hi, Stefanie, how are you?

You all right? Yeah, you can just leave it there.

She is thinks she's here to cut hair

but the remote controllers have other plans.

So what are we doing today?

-Introduce her to the hats.

-Introduce her to the hats.

Have you done hats? Do you know anything about hats?

Generally, I need to usually see the hat so I can work around the hat.

Do you know what, you know that I'm on the Apprentice,

I've always got business ideas and while you're here,

and you're a hairdresser, I'm going to ask your honest opinion.

Nice work! They got the hairdresser straight on to the subject of hats.

"Reveal the hat contains a safety light."

So I've come up with an idea, OK, about hats and lights.

-OK.

-So, if you sit down here...

-Yeah.

I'm just going to basically tell you about the hats.

But before I do, let me tell you where this idea comes from.

Basically I thought, you know what, if it's night, why not wear a hat?

-And look.

-That's really cool.

-Don't you think that's a good idea?

Yeah. It's really crazy-looking.

Ah, good one.

That safety light looks rubbish.

-I've got £2 million on it.

-I mean it's unbelievable but somebody said,

"Look, patent it and we'll give you £2 million."

-Unbelievable, isn't it?

-Uh-huh.

Let me show you the other hat. There's lots of different looks...

so, I'm thinking...

hip-hop. Check it out!

"I'm cool. I'm on the street."

This is... Any young chick would want to wear that.

Do I look like Cheryl Cole?

Don't you think I look a bit like Cheryl Cole? Don't you think?

-You do, I'm not so sure about the hat.

-Do a dance.

I can imagine Cheryl Cole going,

# Fight, fight, fight, fight for this love.... #

She only came here to cut Saira's hair.

Now she's getting a free concert, too.

Make the woman wear it.

Do you mind, let me see what it looks like on you? Let me have a look.

Do you know what, I have to say I think you look absolutely...

-WHISPERS:

-You look rubbish.

-..rubbish in that hat!

-I think you look pants.

-'Nice work, Amelia.'

-It doesn't suit you.

Let's try another one.

You know what, I think that... Look, do you remember that Madonna one?

-Where are you from?

-Where are you from?

-America.

-Oh, you're from America?

-Yeah.

-Texas.

This is a bit Texas, isn't it? "Howdy! Howdy!"

It's dark, you're riding a horse and look, you've got your hat on.

Shout, "yee-ha, cowboy".

Yee-ha, I'm a cowboy.

What a carry-on! Saira deserves a medal for that performance.

Good work, remote controllers.

It's just common sense, isn't it? You know...

Only four minutes left and time for the final task.

What next?

Now, the thing is, because you're a hairdresser

you meet clients all the time.

Do you think you could introduce these to some of your clients

and perhaps sell them on my behalf?

THEY BOTH GIGGLE

-I'll give you 5%.

-And I will give you 5% of everything...

Every hat that you sell?

Well, I don't think my clients would wear...

THESE hats.

-Yeah, but Stefanie...

-She's still not sure about the hats.

Can the remote controllers get Saira to change her mind?

"Make up statistics about how safe the hat is to wear."

The facts are, one in eight people end up in an emergency room

as they've bumped into someone at night.

You're laughing. What are you laughing for?

-This is, look...

-Take me seriously.

-You've got to take this seriously.

-I won't lie.

-You really have.

And 54% of your field of vision increases when you wear these hats.

Saira's made-up hat facts are great.

She could sell snow to penguins.

-What do you think?

-I'm not going to lie...

-There's a better hat.

-I have actually got a better hat...

But no-one else has seen it.

..and nobody else has seen it.

David Beckham loves it.

Oops.

David Beckham absolutely loves this hat cos we've sent him a prototype.

-Close your eyes.

-Can you close your eyes?

I want you to... Why are you laughing?

-I came to do your hair, I'm a little...

-I know, but I want...

-I'll pay you.

-I will pay you for all your time.

This is really important to me.

-Are they still closed?

-Keep them closed.

-They're closed.

-Hold on, no peeking.

-No looking, now.

I know what you Americans are like.

I know what you Americans are like. Hold on.

Saira's doing great, obeying the remote controllers.

Even with the giggling, Saira's not setting off any alarm bells.

-ALARM RINGING

-'Or has she?'

-Now, this hat...

-Keep closed.

-Keep your eyes closed.

-Don't panic.

-Don't panic, it's fine.

Don't panic, it's just a hat.

-Go, "Dada!"

-Dada!

Uh huh...

Stefanie, what's wrong?

-It's loud.

-Let me just take that....

Stefanie, you know what, I think...

Listen, hold on a minute, these are prototypes.

-They're good for doctors.

-They're really good...

Why do you think I created this? Because doctors...

Come on, Saira, time's nearly up. There's only one minute left.

Concentrate, you know you can do it.

-There are lots of people at weddings...

-Get her to put it on.

And when there's a big crowd, when they, when they... Yeah.

This is for doctors at weddings.

Time to reveal the joke before the hairdresser gets alarmed.

Stefanie, you look absolutely stunning.

And you look great on a hidden camera show.

Just to let you know, you're part of a hidden-camera show for CBBC.

Oh...my God.

Stefanie. Honestly, you...

this is brilliant. Come on.

-You look...

-Hi.

-How heavy is that hat?

-It's heavy, yeah.

Stefanie, you have been on a hidden camera show.

I was ready to walk out the door. I was, "Like what's going on?"

What about when you heard the sound of that last hat?

I was actually shaking. I was a little scared.

And finally, Stefanie, you did come here to do hair.

Do you want to straighten mine?

-Have you got your straighteners with you?

-I have.

-Take a seat.

-She would as well. Round of applause. Brilliant.

Yay!

My favourite was the Cheryl Cole hat.

# Fight, fight, fight, fight for this love... #

The hairdresser found it really funny.

My favourite part was when she put it on her as well.

-I think you look absolutely...

-You look rubbish.

..rubbish in that hat.

My favourite part of the challenge was when...

she went, "I know what you Americans are like."

Keep them closed.

I know what you Americans are like.

Well done, guys. That was an amazing day, thank you so much.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's our job.

-Oh, sorry.

-How many shows do you want to be on? This is our show.

-Will you stop it?

-I fancy a bit of Beat the Boss.

-Me too.

-Remote controllers, have you had a great day?

-Yeah.

In fact, you got a better response!

-What's been your best bit of the day?

-Embarrassing Saira

-and humiliating her and having fun.

-Matt?

When she was with the masseur and she was saying about the picture.

-It was your 19-year-old daughter's.

-That's right.

-And finally, Amelia.

-I liked when she was trying on the hats.

Oh, yeah, that was fun.

-Has she been a great star?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

-Have you enjoyed it?

It's been one of the best days.

I've really enjoyed myself, thank you.

-We've got a little something for you, remote controllers.

-We have.

We've got these exclusive Remote Control Star baseball hats.

We know you like hats...

-More hats?

-..without any lights. And also these cool hoodies, as well.

Enjoy those.

And, everyone, I think, a big round of applause. Yay!

Sadly, that's all we have time for, until next time,

when we put a star together with remote controllers, here on...

Remote Control Star!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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