Thailand Remotely Funny

SHE SPEAKS IN A MADE-UP LANGUAGE

Oh, hello! Welcome to Remotely Funny.

THEME MUSIC

# Ohhhh, yeah! #

Hi, everyone, my name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK.

I'm coming in wirelessly,

hijacking your home, and then offering you prizes, simple as that.

You can play if you are in your PJs, you can play if you're grounded,

you can really play until your big sister discovers

you've got her laptop.

Today, I'm in Thailand.

CAMERA CLICKS

If I'm in gorgeous Thailand, with a slice of paradise,

where are my Remotely Funny contestants today? Let's meet them.

-First up, it's Harry. Hello, Harry.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Harry is 12 years old and from Glasgow.

He loves making short films, playing the drums and doing the Worm.

Harry totally hates cheese but likes to eat uncooked pasta

-dipped in chocolate.

-What?

-Harry, who are you with?

-This is my dad.

Ah, wonderful, wonderful.

Harry, you're a little film-maker, aren't you?

Tell me about that.

Well, in the past, I've made a few movies, different types.

We've made things like The Incredible Hugh,

where, basically, Hugh, who is a boy in my street,

he dresses up and goes crazy,

-rummaging towns and destroying villages.

-Oh, interesting.

So what exactly does Incredible Hugh do? What's his superpower?

He can do different types of moves,

-he's got a martial art called The Madness.

-Interesting.

So if you turned me into a superhero, what power would I have?

The power to wield out a sword and shield and...

destroy injustice.

Oh, I like that. So, who's your first rival today?

Thea.

Harry and crew, say hello to Thea and her mum.

-Hi.

-Hey, guys.

-Hi, Thea.

13-year-old Thea is from Northampton.

She loves knitting,

being creative with make-up and riding rollercoasters.

Thea laughs in her sleep and is absolutely terrified of Shrek.

I hear you like to video call your mates while baking. Why is that?

Because when I'm waiting for it to go in the oven

and when I'm cleaning up, I've got someone to talk to.

And find out stuff while doing it, instead of wasting time after.

So if you were on Junior Bake Off, what would be your winning cake?

-Probably something like a cheesecake or something.

-I love cheesecakes.

I love cheesecakes. That's actually probably

my favourite type of cake, to be honest.

Well, finally, we are connecting to Eve. Hello, Eve.

-Everyone say hello to Eve and her entire family.

-Hello!

-Hi, Eve.

Eve is 12 years old and from Huddersfield.

Eve loves rock climbing, drawing and barbecue sauce on cheese paninis

and her favourite subject at school is lunch.

Eve, who are you with today?

This is my mum, that's my sister, Grace,

this is my brother, Henry, and my brother Fraser.

Wonderful, very nice to meet you.

So, Eve, what training have you done to be on the show?

Are you in any sports teams?

Yeah, I'm in netball, athletics and rounders teams, so really...

So, how do you think your sporty side might help you to win today?

I'm very competitive, like, not like a little competitive,

-like massive competitive.

-Awesome. So you're ready to play, then?

-Yes.

Wonderful. Before we begin, I've got a little challenge for the parents,

brothers and sisters, OK?

Walk out of the room and don't come back!

-Get out. Out, out, out.

-Go.

-Are we alone?

-Yes.

OK, players, let me tell you about this superb prize

that could be yours.

As well as taking the crown of Remotely Funny champion,

you'll be the owner of the highly desirable Remotely Funny hoodie.

Look at it. It's a sight to behold.

One size fits all and the size says "winner" on the label.

And you can order yours today by winning this game.

All right, players, I want to see your worst game faces.

One, two, three.

THEY ALL GROWL

Whoa, that's why we play this game indoors. Let's play.

This is Bedroom Bonanza. The rules are simple.

I name something, you have to collect it.

The first one back with the item wins three of my sizzling samojis.

Right, item number one.

Go get me something you would use to scare your friends. Go. Go.

Go, go, go. Go get something you would use to scare your...

Harry? Interesting. You didn't even have to get up.

Eve, you're back and so is Thea. Thea, what did you get me?

A knitting needle.

I don't think I even need to ask why would you use that to scare

your friends.

-What about you, Eve, what do you have?

-I have a fart gun

to scare them with.

Do you think that would scare them or just disgust them,

-or think you're weird?

-A bit of both.

-What about you, Harry?

-What do you have?

-Laser guns.

Well, Harry, you were back first, so that means you get three samojis.

-Yes!

-Moving on to item number two.

I want you to get something you would take to a football match. Go.

Who's going to be back first? Come on, come on, Eve.

Harry, what are you getting me? Thea, Thea.

-Eve is back first.

-Oh, no!

Come on, Harry. Oh, he's back.

-OK. Thea, what do you have for me?

-A jumper.

-OK, why would you take a jumper to a football match?

-Might be cold.

Definitely. We are in the UK, after all. Eve, what about you?

I brought sun cream because it's summer and, like,

-you might need it in a football match.

-But we're in the UK.

I'm joking. You need sunscreen anyway, good to keep it in mind.

Eve, you're smart.

-Harry, what do you have?

-Football boots.

-Wonderful, wonderful.

But Eve was back first. Eve, you get three samojis. Congratulations.

Item number three. Get me something that has your name on it.

-Oh, no.

-Now, now... Oh!

Thea, you were quick with that. I like that.

You are in your room, after all, so that would make sense.

And Harry is back. Eve, where's Eve? There we go. What do you have there?

-It's a sporting certificate.

-Interesting - for what?

-It was an athletics competition.

-What did you win?

-I won the 200m.

-So, Thea, what do you have?

-A pillow.

-Oh, wonderful.

-Wait, the pillow has your name on it?

-Yeah.

-Harry, what do you have there?

-A football certificate.

-Oh, so you must be good at that too.

-Yeah.

Well, everyone's items were lovely, but, Thea, you were back first,

so you get three samojis for that.

-Yay.

-Yes.

Thea, psst, come here, come closer to me.

-Do you want a chance to win an extra samoji?

-Yeah.

-Great.

Earlier, I asked your mum to tell me which of her clothing

embarrasses you the most.

If you can tell me what she said, then it is winner, winner,

chicken dinner. Or at least a samoji. What did she say?

-Onesie.

-Yes.

The correct answer is her onesie.

She threatens to go into town wearing it.

Which is kind of embarrassing, if you ask me.

-Thea, you get an extra samoji for that.

-Yay.

-OK, samoji score time.

Harry and Eve both have three.

But taking an early lead is Thea, with four.

Woohoo!

Congratulations, Thea, you're on a roll.

It's time to go to the kitchen.

Come on, come on, to the kitchen we go.

Back in Finland, where I'm from, we of course have many,

many culinary masterpieces.

So for this game, I'm going to show you a Food Flash picture of

one of my favourite Finnish dishes and, in Finland,

we like our food fast, so you have 45 seconds to recreate the dish.

Samojis for the player who makes their dish

look as close to the picture as possible.

My favourite thing about Finland is ruskeakastike.

Show me you've got the bottle. Hold it up, stand up straight,

shoulders back, salute the gravy

and shout, "I love ruskeakastike!"

-ALL:

-I love ruskeakastike!

-Wonderful.

Today's dish is called He Who Shelled It Dealt It.

And here it is.

Today, our players will be taking a croissant and turning it into

a gourmet crab,

starting with two plump mini marshmallows on toothpicks

while six carrot batons scurry into place either side

to masterfully form claws.

Topping it off with Finnish gravy.

BEEPS COUNT DOWN

-Start cooking.

-Right, I need a croissant.

Shout orders at your mum, dad, brother, sister.

And the dog. And the cat. Anyone.

THEY ALL TALK

You're going to need all the help you can get.

-I need the marshmallows, please.

-Why is no-one's gravy bottles moving?

Come on, there we go, Harry.

Come on, in with the gravy. In with the gravy.

Get it on the plate. Quick, get it on the plate.

Stop cooking. Time is up. Put everything down.

Let's take a look at your finished dishes.

Harry, bring your plate close to the camera.

Perfect. Looks beautiful.

Harry, your dad makes a cracking carbonara.

Talk to me about comparisons between this dish and that one.

I would say that one's definitely better.

I'm sure you know that's not what I want to hear.

Now, Eve, bring your dish to me. It looks wonderful.

You like sushi, because it's a "mixture".

-But what do you make of this?

-Um... Interesting.

It is interesting.

A good interesting. Thea, what about you, can I see your dish?

It has the gravy, I think it has everything. Great job, Thea.

All right, I'm giving three samojis to Thea for making her

dish look the most like the picture and one for Harry because

he loves it so much, he puts it on his dad too.

Yes.

-Now, parents, are you feeling peckish?

-Oh, yes.

-No!

I want to see you have a taste of this dish.

Bonus samojis for parents tasting it.

-Harry's dad, what do you think?

-Oh, that gravy, oh, man.

-I know, it's delicious, right? Thea's mum, how's the gravy?

-Nice.

Eve's family has eaten the whole thing, almost. Good job.

Well, everyone gets bonus samojis for trying it out. Thank you.

I can see from the look on your faces you liked it.

Which is good, because you'll be tasting it all week.

And it's likely you'll be seeing it again.

Now, Eve, come closer.

If you can tell me what your mum's all-time favourite dinner is,

I'll dish you up with another samoji.

Hmm...

WHISPERING, THEY LAUGH

You are cheating! Eve's mum, that is not allowed.

-That means, Eve, you just lost your extra samoji.

-Mum!

Come close, I have your samoji scores.

Eve is on four, Harry is on five,

and extending her lead is Thea, with eight.

Yay!

Right, you don't have to hold your excitement in much longer

as we head to the bathroom for Toilet Takedown.

Everyone to the bathroom.

There's only two more chances to grab some life-changing samojis.

This is a guesstimating round.

The closest to the actual answer gets the samojis.

And I want you to write your answers on the loo roll.

How many years of their life

does the average person spend on the toilet?

Write your answers on the loo roll.

I'll give you a clue, the time per week spent on the toilet is

estimated at an hour and 20 minutes to an hour and 45 minutes.

Right, now, come to the screen and hold your answers up.

-I want to see what you guys wrote down. Thea, what does yours say?

-40.

-Wonderful. Harry?

-Five.

-And, Eve, what do you have?

-30.

Thea, do you really think you spend half of your life on the toilet?

-Yeah.

-Well, maybe you do, I don't judge.

Well, the correct answer is one-and-a-half years, so, Harry,

you get three samojis.

Yes. Boys!

Here comes LooTube. Another chance to win an extra samoji.

I'm going to ask you a question about the video,

and the first one to flush the loo gets to answer.

Now, watch carefully.

Nice to see the old cat-and-dog rivalry isn't dead.

For one samoji, what colour of toy was the puppy playing with?

-Harry, you were first. What do you think it was?

-Purple.

No, that is not the correct answer.

-Eve, what do you think?

-Pink.

Well done, Eve. Yes, the answer was, of course, pink.

You get one samoji.

Toilet Takedown is over.

Finish your business and let's see where we are in the samoji stakes.

Eve is on five,

but Thea and Harry are tied for first on eight samojis.

You can close the curtains, you can lock the front door,

but you can't stop the nation seeing what your parents are about to do.

Let's play Remotely Funny Families.

Everyone to the living room. Take me to the living room, everyone.

Come on, come on, come on. I don't have all day.

Harry, Thea and Eve, get ready to put your feet up.

Your parents will be singing for your samojis.

Contenders, find something your parents can use as a microphone.

Come on, Harry. What can your dad use as a microphone?

-Thea, what do we have there?

-A nutcracker.

That is definitely original,

we haven't had one of those on Remotely Funny before.

-Harry, what do you have?

-A baby toy.

-Wonderful, Harry, wonderful. Eve?

-Hairbrush.

-Original.

Parents, I want to put your vocal skills to the test.

I'm looking for the performance of your lives. Right, repeat after me.

SHE SINGS ASCENDING SCALE

THEY ALL REPEAT

Ooh, harmonies.

Remember, when the music stops, finish the lyrics.

Harry's dad, you're going first. Play the song.

-GEORGE EZRA:

-# We found ourselves some treasure

# And threw it all away, oh

# What you waiting for?

# What you waiting for?

# What you waiting for?

# No, what you waiting for?

-# When I... #

-HOOTER

HE SINGS JIBBERISH

What language is that?

SINGS MORE JIBBERISH

Well, you know, at least the accent is accurate.

Harry, your dad's got a bit of work to do if he wants a pop career.

Here's what he should have sounded like.

# What you waiting for? No, what you waiting... #

Eve's mum, your turn. Hit the music!

-OLLY MURS:

-# Don't ever stop

# Controlling me

# I kind of like it when you bring me to my knees... #

One, two, three, four. HOOTER

# You've got me wrapped up Around your fingers

# You got me da-da-da-da-da to the ground

# You've got me wrapped up... #

MUMBLES

You're really living it.

# ..come down

# Oh, yeah, Olly Murs

# I love you, ooh... #

Look at you go!

# I'm into this Woo! #

She just doesn't want to stop, does she?

Lovely. MUSIC: "Wrapped Up" by Olly Murs

Eve, your mum's got the moves and the voice,

but not necessarily in the right order. Here's the real deal.

-JESSIE J:

-# And when you touch it, the feeling lingers

# It takes me up so high, I can't... #

Well, and finally - no pressure, Thea's mum -

go, track!

# You been waiting for that...

# Step on up, swing your bat

# See, anybody could be bad to you

# You need a good girl to blow your mind... #

Here we go. One, two. HOOTER

# Bang, bang

# Bang, bang

# Bang... #

I think those are just the background vocals!

I see you're enjoying it, though.

Thea, how do you find this experience?

Embarrassing and she needs to learn songs.

Thea, your mum's performance will have Jessie J shaking in her boots.

Not.

Let's hear that song sung properly.

MUSIC: "Bang Bang" by Jessie J

Parents, that was more embarrassing than a mum dancing in a onesie.

Now, let's see it again. Loop it.

SINGS JIBBERISH

-# Da-da-da-da-da to the ground...

-# Bang bang...

SINGS JIBBERISH

-# You've got me wrapped up...

-# Bang bang...

-SINGS JIBBERISH

-# You've got me wrapped up...

# Bang, bang. #

Well, their singing might not be in the top 40,

but their style is coming in at number one.

Harry's dad, you get one samoji for style.

Thea's mum, you get one samoji for cringe.

And Eve's mum, you get three samojis for best overall performance.

CHEERING

Harry, Harry, Harry.

For an extra samoji,

can you tell me what your dad said he does to embarrass you the most?

-Oh, no. Um...

-No cheating, Harry's dad, like Eve's mum did.

-Dances.

-BUZZER

No, that is not the correct answer.

-Harry's dad, what is the correct answer?

-Breaks wind.

-Oh, no.

Wonderful. Let's check in with the samoji scoreboard.

Eve is on eight.

And still sharing the top spot with nine are Thea and Harry.

Parents, out.

There's a few bedrooms that need a tidy,

the bathrooms are low on loo roll and the kitchen is a wreck.

Knock yourselves out.

Competitors, listen up. This game is called Say-What-You-See-Mojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they are meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins the samojis.

Now go and get me a buzzer.

Get a hold of anything that makes a mammoth noise. I've got mine.

DING!

WHISTLE That's amazing.

SOFT HORN Wonderful.

JANGLING

So, first say-what-you-see-moji is...

WHISTLE Thea, what do you think it is?

-Cheesecake.

-Yes!

You get three samojis for that. Great job.

Yay!

So, next one is...

HORN

Eve, what is it?

-Flower bed.

-Yes!

Three samojis for you. Great job.

And, finally, our last one is a classic animated movie.

JANGLING Harry!

Race To The Moon. No.

No! I'm sorry, that's not the correct answer.

WHISTLE Thea, go for it!

Toy Story.

Yes!

You get another three samojis. Great work.

Everyone be still. I can reveal today's Remotely Funny winner is...

HEARTBEAT

..Thea!

Yay!

Thea, I'll be sending you one of my beloved Remotely Funny hoodies,

congratulations. Eve and Harry, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you a humdinger of a prize.

The Remotely Funny souvenir.

-Call for your families, have them back in.

-Come on, guys.

Big, big thanks to you, Eve, Harry and Thea and your families for

letting Remotely Funny leave its mark all over the house.

You've been immense. It's been remote.

And we've all been pretty funny. Play the music. Laa gawn!

THEME MUSIC

# Ooohhhh, yeah! #