Lost Remotely Funny

Yes, so that's 34. No, they has to be 34 of them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the small ones. Asap. Yeah. Great, thanks.

All right, great. Bye-bye.

Oh, hi. On today's Remotely Funny...

Oh, my goodness!

..it's a tower.

-I'm looking for a tower. ALL:

-Oh!

-Delivery for Saara.

-Oh.

CHIRPING

Perfect. Welcome to Remotely Funny.

Hey, everyone, my name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the game show the allows me

to swoop into your home via the mythical powers of the internet.

Nobody knows how the internet was created.

It's a total mystery,

like Stonehenge or how they get jam into doughnuts.

After travelling the world in search of the perfect cuppa,

I've decided that the UK is the place for me and today I'm lost.

Oh, no, wait. Today I am in Lost in Aberdeenshire.

It's beautiful, much better than Found,

which isn't even a real place.

Anyway, if I'm in Lost, then where are my Remotely Funny players?

Who's up first? It's Ayana.

-Welcome, Ayana. ALL:

-Hello!

Hi, I'm Ayana from Leicester and I love playing football

and I'd like to introduce you to my team.

This is my mum, she invents words that don't even exist

which I think is really weird.

This is my dad, he's a big Liverpool Football Club fan

and he's amazing at cooking.

And this is one of my best friends called Maya,

she's amazing at singing...

-# Laa! #

-..and we just click!

-Hello, team bonkers.

Let's see who you're up against. It's Zeph!

-Welcome, Zeph! ALL:

-Hi.

Hi, I'm Zeph from Plymouth and I play the violin.

This is my friend Will who wears a lot of hair gel.

This is my friend Finley. This is Finley's mum. This is my mum.

-This is Will's mum and altogether we're the Unbeatables.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Ayana, say hello to Zeph's team.

-Hi!

-Hi, Zeph's team!

And finally, it's Olivia.

Everyone say hello to Olivia's team.

-Hey, Olivia. ALL:

-Hi!

Hey, guys, it's me, Olivia from North London and I love dancing.

Let me introduce you to my team.

My mum, she's my best friend,

my dad, he makes me laugh every day with his silly jokes,

my sister, and she's the best at handstands,

and my best friend Tia,

who teaches me all the coolest and amazing gymnastic tricks.

Wah-hey!

Well, you guys are gunning for a little something

I like to call the Remotely Funny hoodie!

Think how swank you will look wearing this piece of polyester.

You will look remotely fantastic, my friend.

Make yourself a local hero by winning today.

Well, it's time to play Remotely Funny families.

You all look so happy and content, but unfortunately it's time

to face the music because you're going down, down to Cringe Town,

that is. Today's game is a family favourite in Finland.

It's aptly named Finish The Lyrics. My grandma's excellent at it.

-Ayana, who's going to play for you?

-My mum.

-OK. Why?

Because she's really funny and when she sings, I know she's going

to make a fool of herself, so I want to have faith in her.

-Zeph, who have you picked to play?

-Finley's mum.

-Do you know anything about her skills?

-No, not at all.

-So it's going to be a total surprise.

-Hi.

-Nice, nice.

Olivia, who's going to be playing Finish The Lyrics in your team?

-My mum.

-Oh, why's that?

It's because I know she's amazing at songs

as we always listen to the radio.

Oh, so she also has a knowledge in today's music?

Yes.

Now, contenders,

I want you to find something the grown-ups can use as a microphone.

-Can you do that?

-Get that.

-No, no, no, this is better.

-Ayana, what do you have?

-Maraca. I've got a maraca.

Why did you go for a maraca?

Because it makes a lot of noise and she loves making noise.

It drowns out her voice.

Yeah, it drowns out her voice as well.

Well, Zeph, what do you have?

-A spoon.

-Oh, a spoon, nice, I don't think we've had too many of those.

-Why a spoon?

-Because it was the only thing we could find.

-OK, well, Olivia, what do you have?

-I have a remote control.

Oh, a remote, that's super original, Olivia. Nice one.

Now, Ayana's mum, you're going first. Play the song.

# She played a fiddle in an Irish band

# But she fell in love with an Englishman

# Kissed her on the neck and then I took her by the hand

# Said, baby, I just want to dance... #

My pretty little... Sing!

# The pretty little girl was in the festival

# And she was chillin'

# She was having lots of fun and she was so happy

-# She was so happy... #

-Oh, my goodness!

What was that? I love that, love that. Beautiful.

Well, here's how it should have sounded.

# My pretty little Galway girl

# My, my, my, my, my, my, my Galway girl... #

Much more simple.

It was, of course, Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran.

-Ayana, how did that make you feel?

-Embarrassed.

-I don't even want to see that again.

-That's my job.

It wasn't that bad, trust me. Hmm!

I trust you, yeah.

-Now, Fin's mum. It's your turn. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Hit the music.

# And you can tell me if I'm off

# But I see it on your face

# When you say that he's the one that you want

# And you're spending all your time

# In this wrong situation

# And any time you want it to stop... #

Sing!

# I want you and you want me

# And we want to win cos we're the Unbeatables, yeah

# And I can't sing but I'm doing my best

# Because we are the Unbeatables... #

Whoo!

That was amazing. Thank you so much.

And that was of course Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes.

But now here's how Mr Mendes actually sings it.

# Treat you better than he can

# And any girl like you deserves a gentleman... #

-Nice. Zeph and Fin, how did you guys feel about that?

-Amazing.

-Not too bad, not too bad.

-Your mum will like you a lot after this show.

Now, finally, no pressure, Olivia's mum, you're last. Go track.

# Guess I should say thank you

# For the hate yous and the tattoos

# Oh, baby, I'm cool by the way

# Ain't sure I loved you anyway

# Go 'head, babe, I'mma live my life, my life... #

Sing!

# Shout out to my ex

# La-la-la-la-la

# You make my heart break

# La-la! Shout out to my ex

# Shout out to my ex

# Yeah, let me go

# Shout out to my ex. #

Wow! Nice. Here's how it actually should have sounded, though.

# Shout out to my ex, you're really quite the man

# You made my heart break and that made me who I am

# Here's to my ex, hey, look at me now

# Well, I, I'm all the way up

# I swear you'll never bring me down... #

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Yes, it was of course Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix.

-Olivia, how did you like your mum's performance?

-She smashed it.

I agree. I'm going to give three Samojis to Olivia's mum.

Congratulations.

And I will also give one Samoji for originality Fin's mum.

Congratulations, FC. Congratulations.

And of course not forgetting one Samoji for cringe to Ayana's mum.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Putting the assault on my ears to one side for the moment,

today's bonus Samoji offerings come in the form of flipping your lid.

Nominate a team member to successfully complete

the water bottle challenge and you get an extra something.

Olivia, you're first, who are you picking?

-Definitely my sister.

-Are you good at flipping bottles?

-Yeah.

Really, you are? OK. Well, take it away, Amelia.

You've got three goes at this.

Samoji if they successfully complete a full rotation

and the bottle is upright.

Go ahead, Amelia, I'm rooting for you.

Oh!

Come on, you got this, you got this.

-ALL:

-Oh!

Come on, last go. No pressure.

-Oh!

-Oh, that was so close. So close.

No bonus Samoji for you.

You need to spend some more time in the playground. Now, let's tally up.

-Ayana and Zeph both have one Samoji. ALL:

-Yeah!

And Olivia takes an early lead with three Samojis. Congratulations.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Bathroom time. I need to inspect your loos and admire your bathtubs.

Come on, get moving. It's toilet takedown time.

# I love toilets!

# I love toilets... #

That's good to know, Zeph. Good to know.

TOILET FLUSHES

Ah, here we are.

And I love what your parents have done with the place,

it looks really nice. The tiles, the taps, the toilet.

It's just so unpretentious.

So I'm going to ask you a question.

And I want you to write your answer on the loo roll.

You'll have 10 seconds to answer the question.

Pick up your loo rolls. This is the first question.

Dancing lady in the red dress, hard eyes, the poo -

we all love emojis.

But how many billion are sent every day worldwide?

Write down your answers. How many emojis are sent every day?

Quick fact.

Did you know that Canada is the country that uses

the poo emoji the most?

Jokers.

Wonderful. I think we're ready.

Now, everybody, I want you to come to the screen

and hold up your answers.

-Now, what do you have, Ayana?

-I've got 5 billion.

-Zeph, what have you got?

-It's meant to be 10 billion.

-5 billion, 10 billion. Olivia, what did you write down?

-7 billion.

7 billion. So we have five, seven and 10.

Well, the correct answer is...

..6 billion.

Ayana and Olivia are both just 1 billion away,

so they both get three Samojis.

CHEERING

The answer is 6 billion emojis.

It's time for the race of the century in Wind-up Warriors.

It's Fastest Farthing in this stirring contest.

There's nothing gentlemanly about the way these chaps compete.

It's first old boy past the circular finishing line that wins.

But which penny farthing will end up in a museum for years to come?

And who will be left for scrap?

Rider A, B, or C? You decide.

Toodle-pip and secure your top hat for Fastest Farthing.

So, you have to pick A, B or C.

And, Olivia, you are in first place for now.

Which toy are you going to choose? And why?

I think I'm going to pick toy A

because it's the first letter of the alphabet

and to me it's just lucky.

And you think it will do the best?

-Probably.

-OK, well, we'll see about that.

Ayana, you're in second place.

Who have you gone for and why?

I have gone for B because B is for the best.

OK, I can work with that. Zeph, this means you are getting C.

How do you feel about that?

It's good because C stands for champion.

Nice. Well, here we go. Let's get some teams spirit going.

Get your teams back to cheer your toys.

OK, everyone sit tight. Time to see who winds up the winner.

What's it going to be? Come on, come on, come on.

Three...

..two...

..one...

..go!

Let's watch that again.

It was B!

CHEERING

B!

That means three Samojis to Ayana's team

for winning Wind-up Warriors.

Congratulations.

Well, it's bonus time.

And I'm ready for another water bottle challenge.

Zeph, who is going to be taking on the plastic nemesis in your team?

-William.

-Me!

-Wonderful.

So, one Samoji if they successfully complete a full rotation

and the bottle is upright. You want to give it three goes?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

You have youth on your side.

Oh! You have two left.

Oh! You have one more, Will, come on.

Oh! Sorry, Will. That means no bonus Samoji for you.

Maybe next time. Let's tally up.

Zeph is still on one Samoji.

CHEERING

But the top spot has changed.

Olivia is on six.

Yay!

And Ayana is our new leader with seven.

Yeah!

OK, we're heading to the kitchen. Take me there.

I want you to give yourself a dressing room pep talk.

I'll just say that I'm amazing at stuff and I'm going to win this.

-We can do it, come on.

-We've got this.

-Yeah, we're going to win!

We're going to win.

Clear eyes, full bellies, can't lose.

Today's show is sponsored by Ruskeakastike,

the gravy that makes you go, ooh, aah, and...

aaaaaarghh!

It's time for Kitchen Lolympics.

Welcome to Kitchen Lolympics. It's PE but with spatulas and crisps.

What more could you want, actually?

And today's sport, it's Stacky Families.

Played in Finland on ice-cold August evenings, everyone's at it.

We even have a National League.

The aim of the game is to stack as many onion rings

as you can on a chopping board.

But there's a twist.

Someone will have to balance it on their head.

So, team captains, who's up for the chop?

OK, my dad because he's got a big head.

Who have you gone for, Zeph, and why?

I've chosen my mum because she has a really flat head.

Mum, what do you have to say to that?

Pancake head, what can I say?

Wow, so you admit to it? Nice, OK.

Olivia, who's got the best-shaped head in your team for this game?

-My daddy.

-Nice.

OK, well, get your heads in check and get into position.

The team with most left standing at the end of the time wins.

And time starts...

..now!

Which way?

Gets stacking!

It's a tower. I'm looking for a tower.

And I see that Olivia's team is already doing very well.

Much like myself.

Great stacking. How is everyone doing?

Ayana? Did you ever think you would be representing your country

at onion ring balancing?

No, but it's actually quite fun.

OK, good, keep doing it

because we don't have all the time in the world.

I see that Zeph is doing quite well, actually.

-Yeah!

-Good job, Zeph, keep it going.

Nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one...

Time up. Stop stacking. Stop stacking.

Olivia, can you please count how many onion rings

you've managed to stack on top of your dad's head.

-Six.

-Six. Lovely. How about Zeph?

-Five.

-And Ayana?

-Five.

Well, that means, Olivia,

you win three Samojis for stacking the most onion rings.

Wonderful.

You guys are absolutely stacktastic!

You did me proud.

Ayana, I smell a bonus Samoji.

Come closer. It's time to flip another lid.

Who will be flipping?

-My best friend Maya.

-Hello, Maya.

How excited are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

10 being the best, I think 10.

Wonderful. Well, remember, you've got three chances to earn

the respect of seven-and-a-half billion people worldwide.

No pressure.

Good luck, Maya. Go ahead.

Oh!

Second attempt.

Oh! You have one attempt left, Maya.

Let's see if you get that bonus Samoji.

Oh! Condolences, Maya.

No bonus Samoji for you.

Let's see who's ahead of the game.

Zeph is saving it all for the final game.

He's on one Samoji.

Ayana stays on seven Samojis.

And Olivia has retaken the top spot

with nine Samojis.

Up until now, it's been something of a house party.

Well, put your red cups away and turn the music down.

They're heading to their bedrooms for The Decider.

This game is called Say What You See -mojis

Look at my Samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two Samojis.

Get your buzzers.

-OK.

-Zeph, what did you bring?

-I have a pot, I put some stuff in and it makes a sound.

-Wonderful.

Ayana?

-I brought my recorder.

-Lovely.

Olivia, what about you?

-I've got a harmonica.

-Everyone seems to be ready. Start the clock.

First one.

-It's a CBBC show. Zeph?

-Um, MODD, that kickabout show.

Yes. Match Of The Day Kickabout.

Next one.

It's a song by Little Mix.

-Olivia.

-Black Magic.

-Yes. Next one.

-Zeph.

-Heart frost.

-Not correct.

It's when you meet someone new.

-Ayana.

-Heartbreak.

No, not that either.

-Olivia, what is it?

-Cold heart.

No, it's break the ice.

Next one.

It's an animated musical starring a talking teapot.

-Ayana.

-Beauty And The Beast.

Yes. Next one.

You might be described as this if you're a bit melodramatic. Zeph.

Happy Queen.

No, that was so close, but not.

-Time up, it was drama queen.

-Oh!

-That's it.

Get your teams back in the room.

All right. Everyone sit comfortably.

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Olivia! Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congratulations, Olivia.

Well played, everyone.

Olivia, I'll be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

Ayana and Zeph, you don't go home empty handed.

We will be sending you a money can't buy

Remotely Funny cap,

from our sponsor, of course.

Put them on.

Yeah, you love Ruskeakastike, just like me.

Today's show was sponsored by Ruskeakastike,

the gravy that makes you go, ooh, aah and...

..aaaaaargghhhh!

Big sing to you, Ayana, Zeph and Olivia

and your teams for letting me disturb the peace.

I hope Grandad hasn't woken up.

You've been immense, it's been remote

and we've all been pretty funny.

-Take it away, Olivia.

-Let's play the music.

Whoo!

THEY SING