Lost Remotely Funny


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Yes, so that's 34. No, they has to be 34 of them.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, the small ones. Asap. Yeah. Great, thanks.

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All right, great. Bye-bye.

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Oh, hi. On today's Remotely Funny...

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Oh, my goodness!

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..it's a tower.

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-I'm looking for a tower. ALL:

-Oh!

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-Delivery for Saara.

-Oh.

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CHIRPING

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Perfect. Welcome to Remotely Funny.

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Hey, everyone, my name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

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the game show the allows me

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to swoop into your home via the mythical powers of the internet.

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Nobody knows how the internet was created.

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It's a total mystery,

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like Stonehenge or how they get jam into doughnuts.

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After travelling the world in search of the perfect cuppa,

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I've decided that the UK is the place for me and today I'm lost.

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Oh, no, wait. Today I am in Lost in Aberdeenshire.

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It's beautiful, much better than Found,

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which isn't even a real place.

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Anyway, if I'm in Lost, then where are my Remotely Funny players?

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Who's up first? It's Ayana.

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-Welcome, Ayana. ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Ayana from Leicester and I love playing football

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and I'd like to introduce you to my team.

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This is my mum, she invents words that don't even exist

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which I think is really weird.

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This is my dad, he's a big Liverpool Football Club fan

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and he's amazing at cooking.

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And this is one of my best friends called Maya,

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she's amazing at singing...

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-# Laa! #

-..and we just click!

-Hello, team bonkers.

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Let's see who you're up against. It's Zeph!

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-Welcome, Zeph! ALL:

-Hi.

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Hi, I'm Zeph from Plymouth and I play the violin.

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This is my friend Will who wears a lot of hair gel.

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This is my friend Finley. This is Finley's mum. This is my mum.

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-This is Will's mum and altogether we're the Unbeatables.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

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Ayana, say hello to Zeph's team.

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-Hi!

-Hi, Zeph's team!

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And finally, it's Olivia.

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Everyone say hello to Olivia's team.

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-Hey, Olivia. ALL:

-Hi!

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Hey, guys, it's me, Olivia from North London and I love dancing.

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Let me introduce you to my team.

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My mum, she's my best friend,

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my dad, he makes me laugh every day with his silly jokes,

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my sister, and she's the best at handstands,

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and my best friend Tia,

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who teaches me all the coolest and amazing gymnastic tricks.

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Wah-hey!

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Well, you guys are gunning for a little something

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I like to call the Remotely Funny hoodie!

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Think how swank you will look wearing this piece of polyester.

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You will look remotely fantastic, my friend.

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Make yourself a local hero by winning today.

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Well, it's time to play Remotely Funny families.

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You all look so happy and content, but unfortunately it's time

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to face the music because you're going down, down to Cringe Town,

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that is. Today's game is a family favourite in Finland.

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It's aptly named Finish The Lyrics. My grandma's excellent at it.

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-Ayana, who's going to play for you?

-My mum.

-OK. Why?

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Because she's really funny and when she sings, I know she's going

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to make a fool of herself, so I want to have faith in her.

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-Zeph, who have you picked to play?

-Finley's mum.

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-Do you know anything about her skills?

-No, not at all.

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-So it's going to be a total surprise.

-Hi.

-Nice, nice.

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Olivia, who's going to be playing Finish The Lyrics in your team?

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-My mum.

-Oh, why's that?

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It's because I know she's amazing at songs

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as we always listen to the radio.

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Oh, so she also has a knowledge in today's music?

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Yes.

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Now, contenders,

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I want you to find something the grown-ups can use as a microphone.

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-Can you do that?

-Get that.

-No, no, no, this is better.

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-Ayana, what do you have?

-Maraca. I've got a maraca.

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Why did you go for a maraca?

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Because it makes a lot of noise and she loves making noise.

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It drowns out her voice.

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Yeah, it drowns out her voice as well.

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Well, Zeph, what do you have?

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-A spoon.

-Oh, a spoon, nice, I don't think we've had too many of those.

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-Why a spoon?

-Because it was the only thing we could find.

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-OK, well, Olivia, what do you have?

-I have a remote control.

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Oh, a remote, that's super original, Olivia. Nice one.

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Now, Ayana's mum, you're going first. Play the song.

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# She played a fiddle in an Irish band

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# But she fell in love with an Englishman

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# Kissed her on the neck and then I took her by the hand

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# Said, baby, I just want to dance... #

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My pretty little... Sing!

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# The pretty little girl was in the festival

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# And she was chillin'

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# She was having lots of fun and she was so happy

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-# She was so happy... #

-Oh, my goodness!

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What was that? I love that, love that. Beautiful.

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Well, here's how it should have sounded.

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# My pretty little Galway girl

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# My, my, my, my, my, my, my Galway girl... #

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Much more simple.

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It was, of course, Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran.

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-Ayana, how did that make you feel?

-Embarrassed.

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-I don't even want to see that again.

-That's my job.

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It wasn't that bad, trust me. Hmm!

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I trust you, yeah.

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-Now, Fin's mum. It's your turn. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Hit the music.

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# And you can tell me if I'm off

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# But I see it on your face

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# When you say that he's the one that you want

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# And you're spending all your time

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# In this wrong situation

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# And any time you want it to stop... #

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Sing!

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# I want you and you want me

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# And we want to win cos we're the Unbeatables, yeah

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# And I can't sing but I'm doing my best

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# Because we are the Unbeatables... #

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Whoo!

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That was amazing. Thank you so much.

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And that was of course Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes.

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But now here's how Mr Mendes actually sings it.

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# Treat you better than he can

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# And any girl like you deserves a gentleman... #

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-Nice. Zeph and Fin, how did you guys feel about that?

-Amazing.

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-Not too bad, not too bad.

-Your mum will like you a lot after this show.

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Now, finally, no pressure, Olivia's mum, you're last. Go track.

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# Guess I should say thank you

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# For the hate yous and the tattoos

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# Oh, baby, I'm cool by the way

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# Ain't sure I loved you anyway

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# Go 'head, babe, I'mma live my life, my life... #

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Sing!

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# Shout out to my ex

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# La-la-la-la-la

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# You make my heart break

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# La-la! Shout out to my ex

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# Shout out to my ex

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# Yeah, let me go

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# Shout out to my ex. #

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Wow! Nice. Here's how it actually should have sounded, though.

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# Shout out to my ex, you're really quite the man

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# You made my heart break and that made me who I am

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# Here's to my ex, hey, look at me now

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# Well, I, I'm all the way up

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# I swear you'll never bring me down... #

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Beautiful. Beautiful.

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Yes, it was of course Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix.

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-Olivia, how did you like your mum's performance?

-She smashed it.

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I agree. I'm going to give three Samojis to Olivia's mum.

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Congratulations.

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And I will also give one Samoji for originality Fin's mum.

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Congratulations, FC. Congratulations.

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And of course not forgetting one Samoji for cringe to Ayana's mum.

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-ALL:

-Yeah!

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Putting the assault on my ears to one side for the moment,

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today's bonus Samoji offerings come in the form of flipping your lid.

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Nominate a team member to successfully complete

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the water bottle challenge and you get an extra something.

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Olivia, you're first, who are you picking?

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-Definitely my sister.

-Are you good at flipping bottles?

-Yeah.

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Really, you are? OK. Well, take it away, Amelia.

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You've got three goes at this.

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Samoji if they successfully complete a full rotation

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and the bottle is upright.

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Go ahead, Amelia, I'm rooting for you.

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Oh!

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Come on, you got this, you got this.

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-ALL:

-Oh!

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Come on, last go. No pressure.

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-Oh!

-Oh, that was so close. So close.

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No bonus Samoji for you.

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You need to spend some more time in the playground. Now, let's tally up.

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-Ayana and Zeph both have one Samoji. ALL:

-Yeah!

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And Olivia takes an early lead with three Samojis. Congratulations.

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-ALL:

-Yeah!

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Bathroom time. I need to inspect your loos and admire your bathtubs.

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Come on, get moving. It's toilet takedown time.

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# I love toilets!

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# I love toilets... #

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That's good to know, Zeph. Good to know.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Ah, here we are.

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And I love what your parents have done with the place,

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it looks really nice. The tiles, the taps, the toilet.

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It's just so unpretentious.

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So I'm going to ask you a question.

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And I want you to write your answer on the loo roll.

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You'll have 10 seconds to answer the question.

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Pick up your loo rolls. This is the first question.

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Dancing lady in the red dress, hard eyes, the poo -

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we all love emojis.

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But how many billion are sent every day worldwide?

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Write down your answers. How many emojis are sent every day?

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Quick fact.

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Did you know that Canada is the country that uses

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the poo emoji the most?

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Jokers.

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Wonderful. I think we're ready.

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Now, everybody, I want you to come to the screen

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and hold up your answers.

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-Now, what do you have, Ayana?

-I've got 5 billion.

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-Zeph, what have you got?

-It's meant to be 10 billion.

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-5 billion, 10 billion. Olivia, what did you write down?

-7 billion.

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7 billion. So we have five, seven and 10.

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Well, the correct answer is...

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..6 billion.

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Ayana and Olivia are both just 1 billion away,

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so they both get three Samojis.

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CHEERING

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The answer is 6 billion emojis.

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It's time for the race of the century in Wind-up Warriors.

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It's Fastest Farthing in this stirring contest.

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There's nothing gentlemanly about the way these chaps compete.

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It's first old boy past the circular finishing line that wins.

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But which penny farthing will end up in a museum for years to come?

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And who will be left for scrap?

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Rider A, B, or C? You decide.

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Toodle-pip and secure your top hat for Fastest Farthing.

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So, you have to pick A, B or C.

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And, Olivia, you are in first place for now.

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Which toy are you going to choose? And why?

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I think I'm going to pick toy A

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because it's the first letter of the alphabet

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and to me it's just lucky.

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And you think it will do the best?

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-Probably.

-OK, well, we'll see about that.

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Ayana, you're in second place.

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Who have you gone for and why?

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I have gone for B because B is for the best.

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OK, I can work with that. Zeph, this means you are getting C.

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How do you feel about that?

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It's good because C stands for champion.

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Nice. Well, here we go. Let's get some teams spirit going.

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Get your teams back to cheer your toys.

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OK, everyone sit tight. Time to see who winds up the winner.

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What's it going to be? Come on, come on, come on.

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Three...

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..two...

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..one...

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..go!

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Let's watch that again.

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It was B!

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CHEERING

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B!

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That means three Samojis to Ayana's team

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for winning Wind-up Warriors.

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Congratulations.

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Well, it's bonus time.

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And I'm ready for another water bottle challenge.

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Zeph, who is going to be taking on the plastic nemesis in your team?

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-William.

-Me!

-Wonderful.

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So, one Samoji if they successfully complete a full rotation

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and the bottle is upright. You want to give it three goes?

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-ALL:

-Yeah!

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You have youth on your side.

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Oh! You have two left.

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Oh! You have one more, Will, come on.

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Oh! Sorry, Will. That means no bonus Samoji for you.

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Maybe next time. Let's tally up.

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Zeph is still on one Samoji.

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CHEERING

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But the top spot has changed.

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Olivia is on six.

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Yay!

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And Ayana is our new leader with seven.

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Yeah!

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OK, we're heading to the kitchen. Take me there.

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I want you to give yourself a dressing room pep talk.

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I'll just say that I'm amazing at stuff and I'm going to win this.

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-We can do it, come on.

-We've got this.

-Yeah, we're going to win!

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We're going to win.

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Clear eyes, full bellies, can't lose.

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Today's show is sponsored by Ruskeakastike,

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the gravy that makes you go, ooh, aah, and...

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aaaaaarghh!

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It's time for Kitchen Lolympics.

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Welcome to Kitchen Lolympics. It's PE but with spatulas and crisps.

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What more could you want, actually?

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And today's sport, it's Stacky Families.

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Played in Finland on ice-cold August evenings, everyone's at it.

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We even have a National League.

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The aim of the game is to stack as many onion rings

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as you can on a chopping board.

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But there's a twist.

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Someone will have to balance it on their head.

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So, team captains, who's up for the chop?

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OK, my dad because he's got a big head.

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Who have you gone for, Zeph, and why?

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I've chosen my mum because she has a really flat head.

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Mum, what do you have to say to that?

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Pancake head, what can I say?

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Wow, so you admit to it? Nice, OK.

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Olivia, who's got the best-shaped head in your team for this game?

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-My daddy.

-Nice.

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OK, well, get your heads in check and get into position.

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The team with most left standing at the end of the time wins.

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And time starts...

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..now!

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Which way?

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Gets stacking!

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It's a tower. I'm looking for a tower.

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And I see that Olivia's team is already doing very well.

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Much like myself.

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Great stacking. How is everyone doing?

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Ayana? Did you ever think you would be representing your country

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at onion ring balancing?

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No, but it's actually quite fun.

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OK, good, keep doing it

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because we don't have all the time in the world.

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I see that Zeph is doing quite well, actually.

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-Yeah!

-Good job, Zeph, keep it going.

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Nine, eight, seven, six,

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five, four, three,

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two, one...

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Time up. Stop stacking. Stop stacking.

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Olivia, can you please count how many onion rings

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you've managed to stack on top of your dad's head.

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-Six.

-Six. Lovely. How about Zeph?

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-Five.

-And Ayana?

-Five.

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Well, that means, Olivia,

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you win three Samojis for stacking the most onion rings.

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Wonderful.

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You guys are absolutely stacktastic!

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You did me proud.

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Ayana, I smell a bonus Samoji.

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Come closer. It's time to flip another lid.

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Who will be flipping?

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-My best friend Maya.

-Hello, Maya.

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How excited are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

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10 being the best, I think 10.

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Wonderful. Well, remember, you've got three chances to earn

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the respect of seven-and-a-half billion people worldwide.

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No pressure.

0:17:280:17:30

Good luck, Maya. Go ahead.

0:17:300:17:32

Oh!

0:17:320:17:34

Second attempt.

0:17:340:17:36

Oh! You have one attempt left, Maya.

0:17:370:17:41

Let's see if you get that bonus Samoji.

0:17:410:17:43

Oh! Condolences, Maya.

0:17:430:17:46

No bonus Samoji for you.

0:17:460:17:47

Let's see who's ahead of the game.

0:17:470:17:49

Zeph is saving it all for the final game.

0:17:490:17:52

He's on one Samoji.

0:17:520:17:54

Ayana stays on seven Samojis.

0:17:560:17:58

And Olivia has retaken the top spot

0:18:020:18:04

with nine Samojis.

0:18:040:18:06

Up until now, it's been something of a house party.

0:18:100:18:13

Well, put your red cups away and turn the music down.

0:18:130:18:17

They're heading to their bedrooms for The Decider.

0:18:170:18:20

This game is called Say What You See -mojis

0:18:240:18:27

Look at my Samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:18:270:18:30

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two Samojis.

0:18:300:18:34

Get your buzzers.

0:18:340:18:36

-OK.

-Zeph, what did you bring?

0:18:380:18:41

-I have a pot, I put some stuff in and it makes a sound.

-Wonderful.

0:18:410:18:45

Ayana?

0:18:450:18:48

-I brought my recorder.

-Lovely.

0:18:480:18:50

Olivia, what about you?

0:18:500:18:51

-I've got a harmonica.

-Everyone seems to be ready. Start the clock.

0:18:510:18:56

First one.

0:18:560:18:57

-It's a CBBC show. Zeph?

-Um, MODD, that kickabout show.

0:18:590:19:05

Yes. Match Of The Day Kickabout.

0:19:050:19:08

Next one.

0:19:080:19:09

It's a song by Little Mix.

0:19:100:19:12

-Olivia.

-Black Magic.

-Yes. Next one.

0:19:130:19:16

-Zeph.

-Heart frost.

-Not correct.

0:19:190:19:22

It's when you meet someone new.

0:19:220:19:24

-Ayana.

-Heartbreak.

0:19:250:19:27

No, not that either.

0:19:270:19:29

-Olivia, what is it?

-Cold heart.

0:19:290:19:31

No, it's break the ice.

0:19:310:19:33

Next one.

0:19:330:19:35

It's an animated musical starring a talking teapot.

0:19:350:19:38

-Ayana.

-Beauty And The Beast.

0:19:380:19:40

Yes. Next one.

0:19:400:19:42

You might be described as this if you're a bit melodramatic. Zeph.

0:19:430:19:47

Happy Queen.

0:19:470:19:49

No, that was so close, but not.

0:19:490:19:52

-Time up, it was drama queen.

-Oh!

-That's it.

0:19:520:19:56

Get your teams back in the room.

0:19:560:19:58

All right. Everyone sit comfortably.

0:19:580:20:01

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:20:030:20:05

..Olivia! Congratulations!

0:20:100:20:13

Congratulations!

0:20:130:20:17

Congratulations, Olivia.

0:20:180:20:20

Well played, everyone.

0:20:200:20:22

Olivia, I'll be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:220:20:27

Ayana and Zeph, you don't go home empty handed.

0:20:290:20:33

We will be sending you a money can't buy

0:20:330:20:35

Remotely Funny cap,

0:20:350:20:37

from our sponsor, of course.

0:20:370:20:39

Put them on.

0:20:390:20:40

Yeah, you love Ruskeakastike, just like me.

0:20:410:20:45

Today's show was sponsored by Ruskeakastike,

0:20:450:20:48

the gravy that makes you go, ooh, aah and...

0:20:480:20:51

..aaaaaargghhhh!

0:20:510:20:53

Big sing to you, Ayana, Zeph and Olivia

0:20:530:20:56

and your teams for letting me disturb the peace.

0:20:560:20:59

I hope Grandad hasn't woken up.

0:20:590:21:02

You've been immense, it's been remote

0:21:020:21:04

and we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:040:21:05

-Take it away, Olivia.

-Let's play the music.

0:21:050:21:09

Whoo!

0:21:090:21:10

THEY SING

0:21:100:21:13

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