Nether Wallop Remotely Funny


Nether Wallop

Game show. Saara is in Nether Wallop, Hampshire, where she connects three contestants from all over the UK via remote Wi-Fi for games and mayhem.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Yeah, I've spoken to Freddie and Adam.

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They'll be there at eight - but I'm not inviting Becky.

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Because she's a dragon, she'll totally destroy the place.

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On today's Remotely Funny...

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Oh, no!

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Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum!

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-ALL:

-Whoo!

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Welcome to Remotely Funny!

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# Yeah!

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# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

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# Whoo-whoo!

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# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

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# Whoo-whoo!

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# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

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# Whoo-whoo!

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# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

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# Whoo-whoo!

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# Yeah! #

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Hi, everyone, I'm Saara, and this is Remotely Funny,

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the game show that provides meals and accommodation during filming...

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Mainly because it's in your house.

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After travelling the world,

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I've realised I like nothing more than queueing patiently,

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so, decided that the UK is the place for me -

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and today, I'm coming to you from Nether Wallop in Hampshire.

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Did you know that there are two other Wallops, as well?

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Over and Middle. You Brits sure do love a Wallop.

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Anyway, if I'm in Nether Wallop, where are my Remotely Funny players?

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Up first is Emma!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Emma from Essex and I love to dance.

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This is my mum. She loves to cook.

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This is my stepdad. He loves to fish.

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This is my best friend. She loves to sing.

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Emma, what's your team motto?

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-ALL:

-We don't want fame, we don't want money,

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we just want to win Remotely Funny.

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-Yeah!

-Nice!

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Well, that's definitely the right attitude.

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I hear you can also sing the periodic table.

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Can you do that for me?

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# There's hydrogen, helium lithium, beryllium

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# Gold and carbon everywhere

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# Nitrogen all through the air and oxygen so you can breathe

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# Fluorine for your pretty teeth

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# Neon to brighten up the signs

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# Sodium for salty times

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# Magnesium... #

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Wow, amazing!

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Well, let's see if you have all the elements to win.

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Let's find out who you're up against.

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It's Marius!

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Emma's team, say hello to Marius' mob.

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Hi!

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Hi, I'm Marius from Edinburgh, and I speak some Italian.

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-This is my mom, she makes the best ice lollies in the world.

-Yum!

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This is my sister. She loves to play games,

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and also, she can't wait to win some...samojis!

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And this is my dad. He's taller than the neighbours' cat.

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-ALL:

-Meow!

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Marius! Give me some team spirit.

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-ALL:

-Cosine, tangent, SeaCat, ray,

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Marius, Marius, all the way!

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No way!

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Even more smart people - I was not prepared for this this morning.

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Well, if you are so smart, I bet you can't speak Klingon.

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I can speak a wee bit.

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Can you speak some Klingon to me?

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Qapla'!

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Qapla'! Everyone try.

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-Qapla'! ALL:

-Qapla'!

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Oh! Finally, it's Rosie.

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Everyone say hello to Rosie.

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Rosie, from South London.

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This is my mum.

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She's a whiz at washing.

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This is my dad.

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Sometimes he pretends to be my cat and puts on a really silly voice.

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This is my little cousin Aaron.

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He's the star player in his football team.

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Tell me more about your dad's inner cat.

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-GRUFF VOICE:

-My name is Inge and I am a pussycat.

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Rosie is my mum.

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That sounds nothing like a cat!

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It's her voice, not mine.

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What a fantastically fabulous bunch you all are.

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Now, let me tell you what one of you will be winning today.

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It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course!

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THEY CHEER

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This prize is my reason for living, and it should be your reason

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for getting up in the morning and putting on clothes.

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Be the envy of your friends by winning this prize!

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To the kitchen! Let's all walk to the kitchen in the style of a robot.

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Give me your best robot voice.

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ROBOTIC BEEPING

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Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike,

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the gravy guaranteed to make you feel groovy.

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It's time to play Kitchen Lolympics.

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Welcome to Kitchen Lolympics.

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Today's game is big babies.

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Team captains, it's time to broaden your parents' food palate

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and introduce them to the soft and squidgy textures of baby food.

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Guess three of the key ingredients

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and I'll give you some samojis as a reward.

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Now, where are my big babies?

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Bring them in! Bring the big babies in.

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Emma, what do you think about your baby?

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He's a bit stupid.

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No! I think he looks adorable.

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Rosie, what do you think about your baby?

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-He's very cuddly, and he looks very hungry.

-Aww!

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I love babies.

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What about you, Marius?

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He is very ignorant! Also, he's very hungry.

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An ignorant baby. Wonder what that means.

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Now, Emma, you're up first. Get your baby food ready.

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Open wide, baby.

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Here's comes the choo-choo!

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Oh, yeah! Mm!

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Just savour it. Move it around in your mouth.

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One more big spoonful.

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He's a big baby, after all.

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Open up!

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Oh, yeah!

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Now, Baby, can you name three of the main ingredients?

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Rice...

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..tomato...

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..and peas.

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Your baby's pouch actually contained...

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..chicken...

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..sweet-and-sour sauce...

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..and rice.

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Which means you get one samoji for rice!

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THEY CHEER

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Marius.

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Is your baby drooling?

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-No...

-I think he is. I think he's super hungry.

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-There you go. Ohh!

-SPLAT

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Oh, that sounded like... OK.

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There you go, Baby! Yes! Good boy.

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Wow! You're really living your role, Dad.

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Mm, does Baby like it?

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One more spoonful - and don't get it in Baby's beard.

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Oh, yeah, choo-choo-choo!

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Oh, there you go! Oh, and clean the mouth a little. There you go.

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Now, Baby, how do you feel?

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Terrible.

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Can you name three of the ingredients for me?

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Er, tomato...

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..um...

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..barley...

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..and rice.

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Marius, your baby's pouch actually contained...

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Peas...

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..rice...

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..and carrot. So, that means one samoji for your team.

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-ALL:

-Whoo!

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Rosie. Aww, I kept your big baby to last. You must be starving, Baby.

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Oh, yeah, ravenous.

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Mm. Well, you need an extra big spoonful for that.

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Oh, that looks... Eugh! Eugh...

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Eurgh! SHE COUGHS

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Oh, here we go. Come on, Baby. Come on.

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Take one for the team.

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-Oh...!

-Oh, yeah.

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Oh... Oh, yeah! Yeah!

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Yay, Baby, yummy, yummy, yummy.

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-Come on, Baby.

-Ugh...

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Your eyes are watering!

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Come on, Rosie, do the aeroplane.

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Eww! I can imagine the consistency.

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Beautiful, wonderful.

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-Baby...

-Yeah.

-It's time for you to name three of the main ingredients.

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I think, um...

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Definitely fish...

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..um...broccoli...

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..and I think maybe rice, as well.

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OK.

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It contained...

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..peas...

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..fish...and potato.

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So, you get one samoji for fish!

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-ALL:

-Yay!

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Whoo-whoo-whoo!

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Emma, if you can guess the lyric I'm singing,

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I'll give you an extra samoji. Are you down for that?

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-OK.

-Yeah!

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OK, but you need to look extra closely,

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because the sound is broken, and I have no idea how to fix it.

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Now, you can confer with your team, but only you must answer.

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Here goes Mute My Mouth - and tell me what lyric I am singing.

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SOUND MUTED

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So, Emma, what, in muted mouth, was I singing?

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Was it All About At That Bass by Meghan Trainor?

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Yes!

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That means one bonus samoji for you!

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Whoo!

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Well, let's hear what it sounds like at full volume.

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# I'm all about that bass 'bout that bass, no treble

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# I'm all about that bass 'bout that bass. #

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Yeah! Yeah!

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While you deal with what you've just seen, I'll tally up.

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Marius and Rosie are off the mark with one samoji,

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but Emma is just in front with two.

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THEY CHEER

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Onwards to the bathroom.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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I'm going to ask you a question,

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and I want you to write your answers on the closest thing to paper -

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which, in the bathroom, is loo roll, of course.

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You will have 10 seconds to answer the question,

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and you need to write down your answer on the loo roll.

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Have you ever sat on the toilet and thought about baked beans?

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Well, that might just help you with this question.

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How many beans, on average, are there in a tin of baked beans?

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Write down your answer, and don't show me yet.

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AWOOGA! OK, time's up.

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Emma, what do you have?

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-125.

-Mm-hm.

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Marius, what about you?

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2,500.

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Rosie, what about you?

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3,000.

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Well, let's look at the correct answer.

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It's 465 beans.

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Emma, three samojis for you.

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Yay!

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Time for the race to end all races. It's Wind-up Warriors!

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There's trouble at the turkey farm,

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and there's only one way to settle it - in Gobble, Gobble, Go!

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TURKEY GOBBLES Who said turkeys can't fly?

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Well, it's the fastest bird on the board...

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..but who will be going out to roost,

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and who will be Christmas dinner?

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It's game on for A, B or C.

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So, take position for some serious feather ruffling...

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..in Gobble, Gobble, Go!

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Emma, you're in the lead,

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which means you get to pick your toy first.

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Is it going to be turkey A, B or C?

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I'm going to go turkey C, because that one just standed out to me.

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Marius, which turkey do you pick?

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B!

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Because he's in the middle, and for some reason,

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I just prefer to choose things in the middle.

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Rosie, that means you get turkey A. How does that make you feel?

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Fine, because my favourite colour is blue, so...

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Wonderful. It's time for the wind-up race of the year.

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Call your teams back to the bathroom.

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Mum!

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Get over here!

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Steve!

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Time to see who will wind up the winner.

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Get ready. Three, two, one... Go!

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KLAXON It was B!

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Whoo!

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Congratulations, Marius. Three samojis for you.

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THEY CHEER

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Marius, it's your chance to earn a bonus samoji

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by guessing the lyrics I'm singing -

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but you'll have to look closely, because the sound is still broken.

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OK, here goes Mute My Mouth - and tell me what lyric and singing.

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SOUND MUTED

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Marius, what song was I singing?

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Eat It by Weird Al Yankovic.

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Let's see if you're right.

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# You got me wrapped up

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# Around your finger

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# I'd do anything for your love now. #

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Sorry, Marius, you just lost your bonus samoji -

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but I'm very impressed that you knew that song.

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Let's check in with samojis.

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Rosie still has one,

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Marius moves to second place with four,

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and Emma is still in the lead with five samojis.

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THEY CHEER

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It's time to move to the lounge.

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I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.

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-Chair.

-Chair, chair!

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Chair.

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Crayon!

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No, it was the common duck. DUCK QUACKS

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-Oh...

-Oh, do you actually have to see the thing?

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I never get this game.

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It's time for Remotely Funny Families!

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Today's game is called Do, Wear, Shout.

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Whoever comes up with these games' names needs a medal... Or a holiday.

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-Holiday!

-Not for you.

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This game is for everyone to play.

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So, mums, you can't nip off for a biscuit.

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I'm going to give you three instructions.

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The first one will be a doing thing,

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the second will be something you need to wear,

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and the third will be a word you need to shout -

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and everything at the same time,

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and the first team back doing all things

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will win a super samoji.

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Are you guys ready?

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-Yes.

-Wonderful.

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Your Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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Do...star jumps...

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..wear...pants on your head...

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..and shout... "Help, the Martians are coming!"

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Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go!

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The first team back doing all three things gets a super samoji,

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so, try and find clean pants.

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-ALL:

-Help, the Martians are coming!

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Help, the Martians are coming!

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Whoa!

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Rosie's team!

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AWOOGA! That's good. Stop!

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You guys are having too much fun.

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Rosie's team was back first doing all of it.

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THEY CHEER

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Rosie... Samoji for you, Rosie!

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Your next Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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You have to do The Robot,

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wear socks on your hands,

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and shout "Blubber-bum!"

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Go, go, go!

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You have to do The Robot with socks on your hands

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and shout "Blubber-bum!"

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Come on, who's going to be first? Who's going to be first?

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Er... Where's Marius?

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Marius' team?

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Blubber-bum!

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-ALL:

-Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum!

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OK, Marius was back... Oh, my goodness.

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Hey, Marius' team...

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Oh, oh, oh, oh...!

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Is everyone doing everything?

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The Robot, socks on hands and blubber-bum?

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Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum!

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Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum!

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You all look fantastic.

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AWOOGA!

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All right, that's enough.

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Blubber-bum!

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Yeah, well, it was tight,

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but Marius, your team was first in, so you get one samoji.

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-Whoo!

-Yes!

-Yes.

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Blubber-bum!

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Your last Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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You have to play air guitar,

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you have to wear something red

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and shout, "I love hedgehogs!"

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You have to play air guitar, something red...

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Oh, well, Marius' team is on fire. Oh, my goodness!

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-Whoo!

-I love hedgehogs!

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Oh, Emma is back.

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Hey, shout for your dad!

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Marius, shout for your dad. Everyone has to be in.

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Whoa!

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AWOOGA!

0:16:220:16:24

Enough, enough! That's good, that's good, that's good. Stop!

0:16:240:16:26

Stop!

0:16:260:16:28

That was brilliant.

0:16:280:16:30

I highly enjoyed it - but once again, it was Marius' team,

0:16:300:16:33

so, Marius' team, you get one samoji...

0:16:330:16:35

..but I also enjoyed Rosie's dad's rubber gloves,

0:16:360:16:38

so he will get one extra samoji for that.

0:16:380:16:40

THEY CHEER

0:16:400:16:42

Well done, everyone, well done.

0:16:440:16:46

Come a little closer, Rosie.

0:16:460:16:48

It's your chance to earn a bonus samoji

0:16:480:16:50

by guessing what on earth my muted mouth is singing.

0:16:500:16:54

You can confer with your team, but you must answer.

0:16:540:16:57

OK, here goes. What lyric am I singing, Rosie?

0:16:570:17:01

SOUND MUTED

0:17:010:17:02

Rosie, do you have any clue what, in muted mouth, I was singing?

0:17:110:17:17

Say You Won't Let Go by James Arthur.

0:17:170:17:19

Oh, sorry, that is not correct.

0:17:190:17:21

Let's hear what it sounds like in full volume.

0:17:210:17:25

# I've been here all day

0:17:250:17:29

# And, boy got me walking side to side. #

0:17:290:17:33

The correct answer was Ariana Grande's Side to Side.

0:17:330:17:36

Sorry, no samoji for you.

0:17:360:17:38

Let's see who's at the top of the leaderboard.

0:17:380:17:40

Rosie moves on to three samojis...

0:17:400:17:43

Yay!

0:17:430:17:46

..Emma stays on five...

0:17:460:17:49

-Whoo!

-Yay!

0:17:490:17:52

..and Marius takes the top spot with six samojis.

0:17:520:17:56

Whoo!

0:17:560:18:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

0:18:000:18:03

Go to your rooms!

0:18:030:18:04

You're in serious trouble.

0:18:040:18:06

It's the decider.

0:18:060:18:08

Go, go!

0:18:080:18:09

This game is called Say What You Seemojis.

0:18:180:18:21

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:18:210:18:25

The first person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two samojis.

0:18:250:18:28

Now, go get your buzzers.

0:18:280:18:31

Marius, what you have there?

0:18:380:18:40

-A brush...

-Mm.

-..and a brush container thingy.

0:18:400:18:43

Can you test it out for me?

0:18:430:18:44

CLACKING

0:18:440:18:45

Emma, what did you bring?

0:18:450:18:47

This has a duck on it - cos it makes a really loud sound.

0:18:470:18:50

Can I hear that?

0:18:500:18:52

QUACK!

0:18:520:18:54

Rosie.

0:18:540:18:55

I've brought a saucepan and a chopstick.

0:18:550:18:57

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK!

0:18:570:18:59

Classic combo, actually.

0:18:590:19:01

Everyone, deep breath.

0:19:010:19:02

Focus.

0:19:040:19:06

Start the clock!

0:19:060:19:08

First say what you seemoji.

0:19:080:19:09

It's a TV cookery show.

0:19:090:19:12

CLACKING Marius.

0:19:120:19:13

Is it, er...Cooking School?

0:19:130:19:15

No. QUACK!

0:19:150:19:18

Emma.

0:19:180:19:19

-MasterChef.

-Yes!

0:19:190:19:21

Here's next one.

0:19:210:19:22

It's a movie about a bear from Peru.

0:19:220:19:24

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK!

0:19:240:19:26

Rosie.

0:19:260:19:27

-Paddington.

-Yes! Next one.

0:19:270:19:30

It's a song by Adele.

0:19:300:19:31

It's not goodbye, it's...

0:19:310:19:33

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK! Rosie.

0:19:330:19:34

-Hello.

-Yes, correct. Next one.

0:19:340:19:37

You can mash it, boil it or bake it.

0:19:370:19:39

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK! Rosie.

0:19:390:19:40

Potato.

0:19:400:19:42

Not just.

0:19:420:19:43

CLACKING Marius.

0:19:430:19:45

Vegetables.

0:19:450:19:46

QUACK! No, no, no!

0:19:460:19:47

Emma.

0:19:470:19:48

Um... Is it, like, mashed potato?

0:19:480:19:50

No. The correct answer is hot potato.

0:19:500:19:53

Next one.

0:19:530:19:54

He's an adventure TV star with a grizzly name.

0:19:540:19:58

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK! Rosie.

0:19:580:19:59

-Bear Grylls.

-Yes! Wonderful.

0:19:590:20:01

Correct. Time's up.

0:20:010:20:03

Get your teams back in the room.

0:20:030:20:05

- Mum! - Team, team!

0:20:050:20:08

Rosie!

0:20:080:20:09

It is time to reveal...

0:20:140:20:16

Duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn...!

0:20:160:20:22

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:20:220:20:25

Rosie!

0:20:310:20:32

THEY CHEER

0:20:320:20:35

Yeah.

0:20:400:20:41

Rosie, I will be sending you

0:20:410:20:42

a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:420:20:45

Marius and Emma, you don't go home empty-handed -

0:20:470:20:51

we will be sending you a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap

0:20:510:20:55

from our sponsor.

0:20:550:20:56

Yeah!

0:21:000:21:01

Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike,

0:21:010:21:03

the gravy guaranteed to make you feel groovy.

0:21:030:21:07

Big, big thank you to Emma, Marius and Rosie and your teams.

0:21:070:21:11

You've been immense, it's been remote,

0:21:110:21:13

and I think we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:130:21:16

Take it away, Rosie!

0:21:160:21:17

Play the music!

0:21:170:21:19

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:190:21:21

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:210:21:25

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:250:21:28

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:280:21:31

# Oh...yeah!

0:21:310:21:35

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:350:21:37

# Whoo-whoo!

0:21:370:21:38

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:380:21:40

# Whoo-whoo!

0:21:400:21:41

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! #

0:21:410:21:43

Bye!

0:21:430:21:44

-Bye!

-Well done!

0:21:440:21:47

Well done, you guys!

0:21:470:21:49

# Oh...yeah! #

0:21:490:21:51

Saara continues her tour of the UK with a stop in Nether Wallop, Hampshire. She connects with Emma in Essex, Marius in Edinburgh and Rosie in Croydon for more Remotely Funny fun. Three contenders get revenge on their parents by feeding them cold baby food, but are they still cackling with glee when faced with one of Saara's legendary Toilet Takedown questions and dancing in the living room with pants on their heads? All for the love of Samojis and a bid to win the truly one-off Remotely Funny hoodie?


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