Nether Wallop Remotely Funny


Nether Wallop

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Yeah, I've spoken to Freddie and Adam.

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They'll be there at eight - but I'm not inviting Becky.

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Because she's a dragon, she'll totally destroy the place.

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On today's Remotely Funny...

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Oh, no!

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Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum!

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-ALL:

-Whoo!

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Welcome to Remotely Funny!

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# Yeah!

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# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

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# Whoo-whoo!

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# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

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# Whoo-whoo!

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# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

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# Whoo-whoo!

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# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

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# Whoo-whoo!

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# Yeah! #

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Hi, everyone, I'm Saara, and this is Remotely Funny,

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the game show that provides meals and accommodation during filming...

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Mainly because it's in your house.

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After travelling the world,

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I've realised I like nothing more than queueing patiently,

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so, decided that the UK is the place for me -

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and today, I'm coming to you from Nether Wallop in Hampshire.

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Did you know that there are two other Wallops, as well?

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Over and Middle. You Brits sure do love a Wallop.

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Anyway, if I'm in Nether Wallop, where are my Remotely Funny players?

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Up first is Emma!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Emma from Essex and I love to dance.

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This is my mum. She loves to cook.

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This is my stepdad. He loves to fish.

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This is my best friend. She loves to sing.

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Emma, what's your team motto?

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-ALL:

-We don't want fame, we don't want money,

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we just want to win Remotely Funny.

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-Yeah!

-Nice!

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Well, that's definitely the right attitude.

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I hear you can also sing the periodic table.

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Can you do that for me?

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# There's hydrogen, helium lithium, beryllium

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# Gold and carbon everywhere

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# Nitrogen all through the air and oxygen so you can breathe

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# Fluorine for your pretty teeth

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# Neon to brighten up the signs

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# Sodium for salty times

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# Magnesium... #

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Wow, amazing!

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Well, let's see if you have all the elements to win.

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Let's find out who you're up against.

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It's Marius!

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Emma's team, say hello to Marius' mob.

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Hi!

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Hi, I'm Marius from Edinburgh, and I speak some Italian.

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-This is my mom, she makes the best ice lollies in the world.

-Yum!

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This is my sister. She loves to play games,

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and also, she can't wait to win some...samojis!

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And this is my dad. He's taller than the neighbours' cat.

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-ALL:

-Meow!

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Marius! Give me some team spirit.

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-ALL:

-Cosine, tangent, SeaCat, ray,

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Marius, Marius, all the way!

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No way!

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Even more smart people - I was not prepared for this this morning.

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Well, if you are so smart, I bet you can't speak Klingon.

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I can speak a wee bit.

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Can you speak some Klingon to me?

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Qapla'!

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Qapla'! Everyone try.

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-Qapla'! ALL:

-Qapla'!

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Oh! Finally, it's Rosie.

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Everyone say hello to Rosie.

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Rosie, from South London.

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This is my mum.

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She's a whiz at washing.

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This is my dad.

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Sometimes he pretends to be my cat and puts on a really silly voice.

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This is my little cousin Aaron.

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He's the star player in his football team.

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Tell me more about your dad's inner cat.

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-GRUFF VOICE:

-My name is Inge and I am a pussycat.

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Rosie is my mum.

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That sounds nothing like a cat!

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It's her voice, not mine.

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What a fantastically fabulous bunch you all are.

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Now, let me tell you what one of you will be winning today.

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It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course!

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THEY CHEER

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This prize is my reason for living, and it should be your reason

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for getting up in the morning and putting on clothes.

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Be the envy of your friends by winning this prize!

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To the kitchen! Let's all walk to the kitchen in the style of a robot.

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Give me your best robot voice.

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ROBOTIC BEEPING

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Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike,

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the gravy guaranteed to make you feel groovy.

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It's time to play Kitchen Lolympics.

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Welcome to Kitchen Lolympics.

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Today's game is big babies.

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Team captains, it's time to broaden your parents' food palate

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and introduce them to the soft and squidgy textures of baby food.

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Guess three of the key ingredients

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and I'll give you some samojis as a reward.

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Now, where are my big babies?

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Bring them in! Bring the big babies in.

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Emma, what do you think about your baby?

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He's a bit stupid.

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No! I think he looks adorable.

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Rosie, what do you think about your baby?

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-He's very cuddly, and he looks very hungry.

-Aww!

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I love babies.

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What about you, Marius?

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He is very ignorant! Also, he's very hungry.

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An ignorant baby. Wonder what that means.

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Now, Emma, you're up first. Get your baby food ready.

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Open wide, baby.

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Here's comes the choo-choo!

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Oh, yeah! Mm!

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Just savour it. Move it around in your mouth.

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One more big spoonful.

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He's a big baby, after all.

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Open up!

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Oh, yeah!

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Now, Baby, can you name three of the main ingredients?

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Rice...

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..tomato...

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..and peas.

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Your baby's pouch actually contained...

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..chicken...

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..sweet-and-sour sauce...

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..and rice.

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Which means you get one samoji for rice!

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THEY CHEER

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Marius.

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Is your baby drooling?

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-No...

-I think he is. I think he's super hungry.

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-There you go. Ohh!

-SPLAT

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Oh, that sounded like... OK.

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There you go, Baby! Yes! Good boy.

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Wow! You're really living your role, Dad.

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Mm, does Baby like it?

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One more spoonful - and don't get it in Baby's beard.

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Oh, yeah, choo-choo-choo!

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Oh, there you go! Oh, and clean the mouth a little. There you go.

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Now, Baby, how do you feel?

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Terrible.

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Can you name three of the ingredients for me?

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Er, tomato...

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..um...

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..barley...

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..and rice.

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Marius, your baby's pouch actually contained...

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Peas...

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..rice...

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..and carrot. So, that means one samoji for your team.

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-ALL:

-Whoo!

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Rosie. Aww, I kept your big baby to last. You must be starving, Baby.

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Oh, yeah, ravenous.

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Mm. Well, you need an extra big spoonful for that.

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Oh, that looks... Eugh! Eugh...

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Eurgh! SHE COUGHS

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Oh, here we go. Come on, Baby. Come on.

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Take one for the team.

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-Oh...!

-Oh, yeah.

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Oh... Oh, yeah! Yeah!

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Yay, Baby, yummy, yummy, yummy.

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-Come on, Baby.

-Ugh...

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Your eyes are watering!

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Come on, Rosie, do the aeroplane.

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Eww! I can imagine the consistency.

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Beautiful, wonderful.

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-Baby...

-Yeah.

-It's time for you to name three of the main ingredients.

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I think, um...

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Definitely fish...

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..um...broccoli...

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..and I think maybe rice, as well.

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OK.

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It contained...

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..peas...

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..fish...and potato.

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So, you get one samoji for fish!

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-ALL:

-Yay!

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Whoo-whoo-whoo!

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Emma, if you can guess the lyric I'm singing,

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I'll give you an extra samoji. Are you down for that?

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-OK.

-Yeah!

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OK, but you need to look extra closely,

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because the sound is broken, and I have no idea how to fix it.

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Now, you can confer with your team, but only you must answer.

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Here goes Mute My Mouth - and tell me what lyric I am singing.

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SOUND MUTED

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So, Emma, what, in muted mouth, was I singing?

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Was it All About At That Bass by Meghan Trainor?

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Yes!

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That means one bonus samoji for you!

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Whoo!

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Well, let's hear what it sounds like at full volume.

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# I'm all about that bass 'bout that bass, no treble

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# I'm all about that bass 'bout that bass. #

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Yeah! Yeah!

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While you deal with what you've just seen, I'll tally up.

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Marius and Rosie are off the mark with one samoji,

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but Emma is just in front with two.

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THEY CHEER

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Onwards to the bathroom.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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I'm going to ask you a question,

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and I want you to write your answers on the closest thing to paper -

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which, in the bathroom, is loo roll, of course.

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You will have 10 seconds to answer the question,

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and you need to write down your answer on the loo roll.

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Have you ever sat on the toilet and thought about baked beans?

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Well, that might just help you with this question.

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How many beans, on average, are there in a tin of baked beans?

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Write down your answer, and don't show me yet.

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AWOOGA! OK, time's up.

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Emma, what do you have?

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-125.

-Mm-hm.

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Marius, what about you?

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2,500.

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Rosie, what about you?

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3,000.

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Well, let's look at the correct answer.

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It's 465 beans.

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Emma, three samojis for you.

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Yay!

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Time for the race to end all races. It's Wind-up Warriors!

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There's trouble at the turkey farm,

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and there's only one way to settle it - in Gobble, Gobble, Go!

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TURKEY GOBBLES Who said turkeys can't fly?

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Well, it's the fastest bird on the board...

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..but who will be going out to roost,

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and who will be Christmas dinner?

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It's game on for A, B or C.

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So, take position for some serious feather ruffling...

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..in Gobble, Gobble, Go!

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Emma, you're in the lead,

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which means you get to pick your toy first.

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Is it going to be turkey A, B or C?

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I'm going to go turkey C, because that one just standed out to me.

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Marius, which turkey do you pick?

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B!

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Because he's in the middle, and for some reason,

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I just prefer to choose things in the middle.

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Rosie, that means you get turkey A. How does that make you feel?

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Fine, because my favourite colour is blue, so...

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Wonderful. It's time for the wind-up race of the year.

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Call your teams back to the bathroom.

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Mum!

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Get over here!

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Steve!

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Time to see who will wind up the winner.

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Get ready. Three, two, one... Go!

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KLAXON It was B!

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Whoo!

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Congratulations, Marius. Three samojis for you.

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THEY CHEER

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Marius, it's your chance to earn a bonus samoji

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by guessing the lyrics I'm singing -

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but you'll have to look closely, because the sound is still broken.

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OK, here goes Mute My Mouth - and tell me what lyric and singing.

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SOUND MUTED

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Marius, what song was I singing?

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Eat It by Weird Al Yankovic.

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Let's see if you're right.

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# You got me wrapped up

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# Around your finger

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# I'd do anything for your love now. #

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Sorry, Marius, you just lost your bonus samoji -

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but I'm very impressed that you knew that song.

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Let's check in with samojis.

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Rosie still has one,

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Marius moves to second place with four,

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and Emma is still in the lead with five samojis.

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THEY CHEER

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It's time to move to the lounge.

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I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.

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-Chair.

-Chair, chair!

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Chair.

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Crayon!

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No, it was the common duck. DUCK QUACKS

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-Oh...

-Oh, do you actually have to see the thing?

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I never get this game.

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It's time for Remotely Funny Families!

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Today's game is called Do, Wear, Shout.

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Whoever comes up with these games' names needs a medal... Or a holiday.

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-Holiday!

-Not for you.

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This game is for everyone to play.

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So, mums, you can't nip off for a biscuit.

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I'm going to give you three instructions.

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The first one will be a doing thing,

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the second will be something you need to wear,

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and the third will be a word you need to shout -

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and everything at the same time,

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and the first team back doing all things

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will win a super samoji.

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Are you guys ready?

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-Yes.

-Wonderful.

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Your Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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Do...star jumps...

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..wear...pants on your head...

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..and shout... "Help, the Martians are coming!"

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Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go!

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The first team back doing all three things gets a super samoji,

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so, try and find clean pants.

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-ALL:

-Help, the Martians are coming!

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Help, the Martians are coming!

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Whoa!

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Rosie's team!

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AWOOGA! That's good. Stop!

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You guys are having too much fun.

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Rosie's team was back first doing all of it.

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THEY CHEER

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Rosie... Samoji for you, Rosie!

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Your next Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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You have to do The Robot,

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wear socks on your hands,

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and shout "Blubber-bum!"

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Go, go, go!

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You have to do The Robot with socks on your hands

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and shout "Blubber-bum!"

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Come on, who's going to be first? Who's going to be first?

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Er... Where's Marius?

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Marius' team?

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Blubber-bum!

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-ALL:

-Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum!

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OK, Marius was back... Oh, my goodness.

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Hey, Marius' team...

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Oh, oh, oh, oh...!

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Is everyone doing everything?

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The Robot, socks on hands and blubber-bum?

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Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum!

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Blubber-bum! Blubber-bum!

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You all look fantastic.

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AWOOGA!

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All right, that's enough.

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Blubber-bum!

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Yeah, well, it was tight,

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but Marius, your team was first in, so you get one samoji.

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-Whoo!

-Yes!

-Yes.

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Blubber-bum!

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Your last Do, Wear, Shout things are...

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You have to play air guitar,

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you have to wear something red

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and shout, "I love hedgehogs!"

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You have to play air guitar, something red...

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Oh, well, Marius' team is on fire. Oh, my goodness!

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-Whoo!

-I love hedgehogs!

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Oh, Emma is back.

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Hey, shout for your dad!

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Marius, shout for your dad. Everyone has to be in.

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Whoa!

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AWOOGA!

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Enough, enough! That's good, that's good, that's good. Stop!

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Stop!

0:16:260:16:28

That was brilliant.

0:16:280:16:30

I highly enjoyed it - but once again, it was Marius' team,

0:16:300:16:33

so, Marius' team, you get one samoji...

0:16:330:16:35

..but I also enjoyed Rosie's dad's rubber gloves,

0:16:360:16:38

so he will get one extra samoji for that.

0:16:380:16:40

THEY CHEER

0:16:400:16:42

Well done, everyone, well done.

0:16:440:16:46

Come a little closer, Rosie.

0:16:460:16:48

It's your chance to earn a bonus samoji

0:16:480:16:50

by guessing what on earth my muted mouth is singing.

0:16:500:16:54

You can confer with your team, but you must answer.

0:16:540:16:57

OK, here goes. What lyric am I singing, Rosie?

0:16:570:17:01

SOUND MUTED

0:17:010:17:02

Rosie, do you have any clue what, in muted mouth, I was singing?

0:17:110:17:17

Say You Won't Let Go by James Arthur.

0:17:170:17:19

Oh, sorry, that is not correct.

0:17:190:17:21

Let's hear what it sounds like in full volume.

0:17:210:17:25

# I've been here all day

0:17:250:17:29

# And, boy got me walking side to side. #

0:17:290:17:33

The correct answer was Ariana Grande's Side to Side.

0:17:330:17:36

Sorry, no samoji for you.

0:17:360:17:38

Let's see who's at the top of the leaderboard.

0:17:380:17:40

Rosie moves on to three samojis...

0:17:400:17:43

Yay!

0:17:430:17:46

..Emma stays on five...

0:17:460:17:49

-Whoo!

-Yay!

0:17:490:17:52

..and Marius takes the top spot with six samojis.

0:17:520:17:56

Whoo!

0:17:560:18:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

0:18:000:18:03

Go to your rooms!

0:18:030:18:04

You're in serious trouble.

0:18:040:18:06

It's the decider.

0:18:060:18:08

Go, go!

0:18:080:18:09

This game is called Say What You Seemojis.

0:18:180:18:21

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:18:210:18:25

The first person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two samojis.

0:18:250:18:28

Now, go get your buzzers.

0:18:280:18:31

Marius, what you have there?

0:18:380:18:40

-A brush...

-Mm.

-..and a brush container thingy.

0:18:400:18:43

Can you test it out for me?

0:18:430:18:44

CLACKING

0:18:440:18:45

Emma, what did you bring?

0:18:450:18:47

This has a duck on it - cos it makes a really loud sound.

0:18:470:18:50

Can I hear that?

0:18:500:18:52

QUACK!

0:18:520:18:54

Rosie.

0:18:540:18:55

I've brought a saucepan and a chopstick.

0:18:550:18:57

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK!

0:18:570:18:59

Classic combo, actually.

0:18:590:19:01

Everyone, deep breath.

0:19:010:19:02

Focus.

0:19:040:19:06

Start the clock!

0:19:060:19:08

First say what you seemoji.

0:19:080:19:09

It's a TV cookery show.

0:19:090:19:12

CLACKING Marius.

0:19:120:19:13

Is it, er...Cooking School?

0:19:130:19:15

No. QUACK!

0:19:150:19:18

Emma.

0:19:180:19:19

-MasterChef.

-Yes!

0:19:190:19:21

Here's next one.

0:19:210:19:22

It's a movie about a bear from Peru.

0:19:220:19:24

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK!

0:19:240:19:26

Rosie.

0:19:260:19:27

-Paddington.

-Yes! Next one.

0:19:270:19:30

It's a song by Adele.

0:19:300:19:31

It's not goodbye, it's...

0:19:310:19:33

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK! Rosie.

0:19:330:19:34

-Hello.

-Yes, correct. Next one.

0:19:340:19:37

You can mash it, boil it or bake it.

0:19:370:19:39

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK! Rosie.

0:19:390:19:40

Potato.

0:19:400:19:42

Not just.

0:19:420:19:43

CLACKING Marius.

0:19:430:19:45

Vegetables.

0:19:450:19:46

QUACK! No, no, no!

0:19:460:19:47

Emma.

0:19:470:19:48

Um... Is it, like, mashed potato?

0:19:480:19:50

No. The correct answer is hot potato.

0:19:500:19:53

Next one.

0:19:530:19:54

He's an adventure TV star with a grizzly name.

0:19:540:19:58

TOCK! TOCK! TOCK! Rosie.

0:19:580:19:59

-Bear Grylls.

-Yes! Wonderful.

0:19:590:20:01

Correct. Time's up.

0:20:010:20:03

Get your teams back in the room.

0:20:030:20:05

- Mum! - Team, team!

0:20:050:20:08

Rosie!

0:20:080:20:09

It is time to reveal...

0:20:140:20:16

Duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn...!

0:20:160:20:22

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:20:220:20:25

Rosie!

0:20:310:20:32

THEY CHEER

0:20:320:20:35

Yeah.

0:20:400:20:41

Rosie, I will be sending you

0:20:410:20:42

a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:420:20:45

Marius and Emma, you don't go home empty-handed -

0:20:470:20:51

we will be sending you a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap

0:20:510:20:55

from our sponsor.

0:20:550:20:56

Yeah!

0:21:000:21:01

Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike,

0:21:010:21:03

the gravy guaranteed to make you feel groovy.

0:21:030:21:07

Big, big thank you to Emma, Marius and Rosie and your teams.

0:21:070:21:11

You've been immense, it's been remote,

0:21:110:21:13

and I think we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:130:21:16

Take it away, Rosie!

0:21:160:21:17

Play the music!

0:21:170:21:19

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:190:21:21

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:210:21:25

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:250:21:28

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:280:21:31

# Oh...yeah!

0:21:310:21:35

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:350:21:37

# Whoo-whoo!

0:21:370:21:38

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

0:21:380:21:40

# Whoo-whoo!

0:21:400:21:41

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! #

0:21:410:21:43

Bye!

0:21:430:21:44

-Bye!

-Well done!

0:21:440:21:47

Well done, you guys!

0:21:470:21:49

# Oh...yeah! #

0:21:490:21:51

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