Donkey Town Remotely Funny

"Dear Diary, today, I ate spaghetti for the first time

"and it felt weird. I love marshmallows and Shawn Mendes."

Uh...I was just writing script for today's Remotely Funny.

Here's what's coming up...

SHE SHOUTS

Ahh!

LAUGHTER

And I don't even like marshmallows.

Welcome to Remotely Funny.

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

Hi, everyone, I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the game show that uses up all the hot water,

so your mum and dad have to use the garden hose.

After travelling the world in search of the very best cuisine,

I've decided that the UK is the place for me.

And today, I'm coming to you from Donkey Town, in Surrey.

Hey, you at the back. No, no. Not you, the other one.

Why the long face? Ha-ha!

Anyway, if I'm in Donkey Town, where are my Remotely Funny players?

Up first is Ashley. Hello, Ashley. THEY SCREAM

Hi, I'm Ashley. I'm from North London.

I'm 12 years old and I am an actor

and this is my amazing team.

Meet my dad, the champion arm wrestler.

Meet my mum, she's the best cook.

Meet my brother, he is the sugar bandit

because he loves sneaking sugar.

And he's also intelligent in arts and general knowledge.

And that's my amazing team.

Welcome. Let's see who you are up against. It's Freddie!

Hello, Freddie. Ashley's team, say hello to Freddie's gang.

THEY ALL SHOUT

Hi, my name is Freddie and I'm from Lincolnshire.

I like to perform and play my guitar and these are my team-mates.

This is my mum, she's the best at cooking by far,

but she can't bake a cake to save her life.

This is my dad, he thinks he's the best that dancing.

This is my best friend. His claim to fame is his Scottish accent...

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Hello, there.

..and he's a lean, mean, sliding machine on the football pitch.

So, Freddie, take a look at Ashley's team.

What do you think of your competition?

Well, I think my mum is the best cook. Not going to lie. So...

Ooh! Ashley, what do you have to say to that?

You look like a junior team. Junior.

THEY BOO

Interesting. Well, finally, we have everyone say hi to Grish's team.

THEY ALL SHOUT HELLO

Hi, I'm Grish from Warwickshire and I'm the ultimate team player.

This is my team. My team consists of my dad.

He's the handyman in the house and he loves exercise.

And I'm the fittest man in the house!

That really CRACKS me up.

This is my brother.

He loves making bad egg jokes.

And this is my cousin. She recently moved to England

after living in Nepal for 15 years.

SHE SPEAKS HER OWN LANGUAGE

So, Ashley and Freddie, what do you feel about Grish's team?

Are they scary at all?

-ALL SHOUT:

-No!

Look at these. Yeah!

Oh, wow. You guys are looking marvellous.

Let me tell you about what you could be winning today.

It is the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

This prize is one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

It sits comfortably between the Great Pyramids

and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

Make history by winning this prize.

To the kitchen. Pretend you are the Queen and you're showing people

around your palace.

So today you are...

And this is our wonderful cabinet.

The finest crystal glass, only found within the depths of the abyss.

Today's show is sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy,

the fuel of the future.

It's time to play Kitchen Lol-ympics.

The team who fills the bowl with the most cereal wins three samojis.

But this won't be quite as easy as it sounds.

This is combat, after all.

So the player will be wearing boxing gloves to make it harder.

Team captains, who have you chosen to play? Freddie?

Who's your champ and why?

I've chosen Joe because he's a boxer...

Oh, you think actually being a boxer is going to help him

pour cereal into a bowl?

He likes cereal.

Oh, then we have a lot in common, man.

Ashley, why do you think your dad can win this breakfast bout?

He is the fastest in the house. Believe me!

Does he have good hands, though?

Have you seen his hands? Yeah, he has fantastic hands.

I mean, that's his arm, can I see his hand?

OK, those look good, too. Grish.

What skills does your dad have to make him a winner?

Well, my dad always wanted to be an MMA fighter,

-so this could be his chance.

-OK.

Limber up and show me some moves. I want to see some sparring.

Now, OK, I see that Ashley's dad is already going in hard.

And then, Grish. Grish's dad. And finally...

OK, cool, cool, nice, nice. Remember that shielding hand.

Boom, boom, boom. I know nothing about boxing. Cool.

Now, let's get this thing started. Where's my microphone?

In the blue corner, we have Freddie's friend Joe.

And in the red corner, we have Ashley's dad.

And in the yellow corner, we have Grish's dad.

The gloves are on. Let's get ready to RUMBLE!

Begin.

60 seconds on the clock.

It's the fight of the century.

A jab there and a hook.

There's nothing like a bout at breakfast.

-That looks very awkward.

-Come on!

Whoop! And remember, just the cereal.

I don't need boxes in my bowls.

THEY CHEER

Grish's dad...

This looks really funny, to be honest.

Oh, he's hitting it. He's hitting it.

Remember, you have limited amount of time.

You need to get as much cereal as possible in the bowl.

Freddie's friend is struggling.

Come on, come on, come on.

Is he going to get any cereal in the bowl? This is critical.

I see Ashley's dad is really killing this game.

Oh, yes, yes. Grish's dad. Ooh! Nice.

Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one. Time's up. Stop!

Stop, stop.

Place your bowls in front of the camera and

let me see who has fought the hardest.

-Freddie's team, what you have in there?

-Not much.

-A lot of sweat.

-You have a lot of boxes.

-Boxes.

OK, I see Ashley's team has a whole bunch of cereal.

All right, I think this is a clear game.

Well done, Ashley. Three samojis to

your team for filling the bowl with the most cereal.

ALL CHEER

And one samoji for Grish's team

cos that was a very close bout.

Congratulations.

THEY CHEER

Have I mentioned I absolutely love cereal?

Ashley, can I have a taste of your winning cereal?

You're going to love this one, trust me.

Ah, hold it up for me.

There we go. Thank you so much.

-No problem.

-SHE CHEWS VERY LOUDLY

I love it so much.

DONKEY BRAYS LOUDLY Knockout.

Freddie, it's your chance to win an extra samoji

in a little something I like to call...

BELLS DING

..Home Truths.

Freddie, I want you to stand back-to-back with your mum.

No cheating and no peeking, none of that.

Grab the whiteboards and pens.

OK, here's the question,

what's the most annoying thing about your dad?

If you both give me the same answer, you got one samoji.

Have you got an answer? DRUM ROLL

One, two, three.

-Dancing.

-Sniffing.

-BUZZER

No!

Oh, no. You did not get the same answer.

You missed the chance of getting one samoji.

THEY GROAN

SHE SNIFFS What's that smell?

Oh, it's samoji time.

Freddie is on zero.

THEY GROAN

Grish has one samoji.

THEY MOAN AMBIVALENTLY

And Ashley takes the lead with three.

THEY CHEER

Beautiful work. Now, onwards to the bathroom,

or wee-wee palace, as we call it in Finland.

I want you to move to the loo as if the floor was made of lava.

Is it hot?

Ahh!

Oh-oh!

HE PANTS

It is time for Toilet Takedown.

OK, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to write your answers

on the closest thing to paper,

which in the bathroom is the loo roll.

Here it is.

Ever drunk so much liquid you might burst?

Well, think about this, on average how many cups of tea does

the entire population of the UK drink a day?

SLURPING I'll give you a clue.

It's to the nearest million.

We have limited amount of time, so please write your answers

and don't show me yet.

OK, time's up. Pens down.

Now, come to the screen and hold up your answers.

-Freddie, what did you write?

-3 million.

-Grish.

-7 million.

-And Ashley.

-280 million.

-Hm.

Interesting.

The correct answer is...

..165 million cups of tea.

Ashley, you were the closest.

Only 115 million out.

Three samojis to you, Ashley. Congratulations.

HE CHEERS

It's time for the race to end all races.

It's wind-up warriors.

It's a Rumble In The Jungle when these mighty mammals meet.

But who will be crowned king

and who will be buying the drinks at the watering hole?

It's the gorilla, elephant and giraffe.

And they all want to be a...

So, take position because it is time to Rumble In The Jungle!

OK, players, so gorilla, elephant or the giraffe.

Ashley, you are in first place.

Pick your toy and tell me why you think they will win.

I pick the giraffe because it has long legs and...ahh!

It will go very fast.

OK, that makes sense.

Grish, you are in second place, who have you gone for and why?

I picked the elephant. Slow

and steady always wins the race.

Slow and steady will win the race?

OK, well, you know, we never know

because you know, they are wind-up toys.

We don't know which one goes the fastest

cos they are not real animals.

But hey, Freddie, that means that you get gorilla.

What do you think the gorilla's chances of winning are?

You know, I think they are high

because normally the jungle

has trees

and elephants and giraffes aren't actually in the jungle,

so maybe it could use a bit of geographical terms to win.

It's time for the wind-up race of the year.

Call your teams back in, guys.

Let's see who will wind up the winner.

CHEERING

Get ready! Three, two, one...

..go!

Let's watch that again.

CHEERING

-King of the jungle!

-Congratulations, Freddie.

Your weird tree psychology works.

Three samojis for you.

Tree whisperers.

Ashley, it is your chance to win an extra samoji.

-Are you interested?

-Yes.

Let's do Home Truths. BELLS DING

And now just like before, no peeking, no cheating, no conferring.

The question stands,

what's the one thing your mum couldn't live without?

And if you both give me the same answer,

you get bonus samoji.

One, two, three.

-My dad.

-My phone!

BUZZER LAUGHTER

Oh, my goodness. Wow!

OK. That's a little awkward.

Ashley's dad, how do you feel about that?

I just can't believe it. You said one THING.

It's OK. It's OK.

Not the kids, not the husband, but the phone.

All right, no samoji for your team.

Let's check in with the samoji scoreboard.

Grish has one samoji.

Freddie moves on to three samojis.

And Ashley, my dear, you are still

in the lead with six samojis.

CHEERING

Wonderful, wonderful work.

Now, let's live it up at into the living room.

Move! I've got a chant. "Lads, lads, lads. We're the lads on tour."

-Lads, lads, lads...

-Lads, lads, lads.

Lads, lads, lads.

Lads, lads, lads.

It is time for Remotely Funny Families.

Today's game is fun and educational,

two words I never thought I'd say in the same sentence on this show.

It is time for that old British party game - Flag Face.

Everyone plays this here, right? Right?

-Huh?

-No, no.

Well, Freddie, whose face are you going to be painting and why?

My dad's because he's better at guessing flags.

OK, that makes sense.

What about Ashley, who are you painting and why?

I'll paint my mum because her face is nice and smooth.

Oh, all right. A good canvas there. Grish.

I'm painting my dad because he likes to think he knows a lot about flags.

-Oh.

-Oh, likes to think?

Well, let's see if he actually knows a lot about flags soon. Canvases...

I mean adults. Screw up your eyes. No peeking. Here comes the flag.

Look carefully.

Look at it.

You are going to be painting this on their face.

Now, that's it. Start painting!

You have 45 seconds on the clock to recreate this

flag on your parents' faces.

Ashley. Do it over the whole face.

The whole thing.

Wonderful. Grish, wonderful. I'm seeing great progress over there.

All right, we are running out of time, guys.

We are running out of time.

Seven, six, five, four,

three, two, one. Time's up!

Time's up. Stop painting.

Let's see who's flag-tastic and who's just...well, flagging.

Open your eyes.

Freddie, talk us through your work of art.

-Uh...terrible.

-LAUGHTER

Now, Ashley, how did you make this masterpiece on your mother's face?

I think it was too smooth for the paint. Too smooth. Too smooth.

I've got to tell you, I do prefer her without this make-up.

Now, Grish, are you happy with the flag face you created?

Oh, yeah, it looks pretty similar to the flag that we saw.

You know what? it looks so great, I'm going

to give you three samojis, Grish.

CHEERING

But does anyone actually know the country?

Write your answer down on the white board.

After three, everyone reveal your boards, OK?

One, two, three!

BUZZER

Oh! I'm sorry.

No-one had the right answer. It was the flag of the Seychelles.

Grish, it is your chance to win an extra samoji.

-Are you down for that?

-Yeah!

Because it's time for some Home Truths.

BELLS DING # Home Truths! #

And here comes the question.

If your dad was an emoji,

what emoji would they be?

If you both give me the same answer, you get the samoji.

On three, shout the answer out loud and reveal, OK?

One, two, three, reveal!

-Smiley samoji.

-BUZZER

What is that, Grish's dad?

-QFC...

-That's not an emoji.

LAUGHTER

You guys didn't have the same answer,

so you missed your chance to get a bonus samoji.

I'm very sorry.

Let's see who is at the top of the leaderboard.

Freddie stays on three samojis.

Grish is now on four samojis.

And Ashley is still

in the lead with six samojis.

THEY CHEER

It's time to go upstairs.

Feel free to send someone ahead to pick your pants up off the floor.

Bring it on.

It is The Decider.

This game is called Say-What-You-See-mojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they are meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two samojis.

Now, get your buzzers.

Ashley, what do you have?

-I have...

-TOY SQUEAKS

-..a squeaky toy buzzer.

-Wonderful. Freddie, what about you?

-I have a maraca.

-Mm.

I like the originality.

Grish, what did you bring?

A spoon and a plate.

SHE GRUNTS Start the clock.

It is a reality style drama that follows

the lives of a group of dancers.

-Ashley.

-The Next Step.

Yes, correct! Here comes the next one.

TOY SQUEAKS Ashley.

See a ghost?

No.

It's a game that you might have played as a child.

-Grish.

-Peekaboo.

Yes, congratulations. And the next.

It's a song by Ed Sheeran

-Ashely.

-Brazil.

No.

Next. Freddie.

Galway Girl.

Yes, correct. Next one.

It's a saying you use when you might be in the wrong.

Grish.

Barking up the wrong tree.

Correct! Well done. Last chance.

-Ashley.

-The Boss Baby.

It's correct! Wonderful. Time's up.

Get your teams back in the room.

Mum, dad...

Hawaiian heroes!

And I can reveal...

..dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

Ashley! CHEERING

Congratulations, Ashley.

Congratulations.

Ashley, I will be sending you a highly prized

Remotely Funny hoodie.

Freddie and Grish, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you a "Money can't buy Remotely Funny" cap,

from our sponsor, of course. There you go.

Beautiful. You love ruskeakastike! Just like me.

Today's show is sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy,

the fuel of the future.

Big thanks to you, Freddie, Grish and Ashley

and your teams for letting us turn your houses absolutely

upside down in the hope of landing a hoodie.

You have been immense, it's been remote,

and we've all been pretty funny.

-Take it away, Freddie.

-Bring on the music!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh yeah

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

# Woo-woo!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na... #

-ALL:

-Bye.

-Bye!

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh yeah! #