Donkey Town Remotely Funny


Donkey Town

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Transcript


LineFromTo

"Dear Diary, today, I ate spaghetti for the first time

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"and it felt weird. I love marshmallows and Shawn Mendes."

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Uh...I was just writing script for today's Remotely Funny.

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Here's what's coming up...

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SHE SHOUTS

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Ahh!

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LAUGHTER

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And I don't even like marshmallows.

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Welcome to Remotely Funny.

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LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

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Hi, everyone, I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

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the game show that uses up all the hot water,

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so your mum and dad have to use the garden hose.

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After travelling the world in search of the very best cuisine,

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I've decided that the UK is the place for me.

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And today, I'm coming to you from Donkey Town, in Surrey.

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Hey, you at the back. No, no. Not you, the other one.

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Why the long face? Ha-ha!

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Anyway, if I'm in Donkey Town, where are my Remotely Funny players?

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Up first is Ashley. Hello, Ashley. THEY SCREAM

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Hi, I'm Ashley. I'm from North London.

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I'm 12 years old and I am an actor

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and this is my amazing team.

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Meet my dad, the champion arm wrestler.

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Meet my mum, she's the best cook.

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Meet my brother, he is the sugar bandit

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because he loves sneaking sugar.

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And he's also intelligent in arts and general knowledge.

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And that's my amazing team.

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Welcome. Let's see who you are up against. It's Freddie!

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Hello, Freddie. Ashley's team, say hello to Freddie's gang.

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THEY ALL SHOUT

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Hi, my name is Freddie and I'm from Lincolnshire.

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I like to perform and play my guitar and these are my team-mates.

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This is my mum, she's the best at cooking by far,

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but she can't bake a cake to save her life.

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This is my dad, he thinks he's the best that dancing.

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This is my best friend. His claim to fame is his Scottish accent...

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-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Hello, there.

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..and he's a lean, mean, sliding machine on the football pitch.

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So, Freddie, take a look at Ashley's team.

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What do you think of your competition?

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Well, I think my mum is the best cook. Not going to lie. So...

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Ooh! Ashley, what do you have to say to that?

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You look like a junior team. Junior.

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THEY BOO

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Interesting. Well, finally, we have everyone say hi to Grish's team.

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THEY ALL SHOUT HELLO

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Hi, I'm Grish from Warwickshire and I'm the ultimate team player.

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This is my team. My team consists of my dad.

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He's the handyman in the house and he loves exercise.

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And I'm the fittest man in the house!

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That really CRACKS me up.

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This is my brother.

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He loves making bad egg jokes.

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And this is my cousin. She recently moved to England

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after living in Nepal for 15 years.

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SHE SPEAKS HER OWN LANGUAGE

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So, Ashley and Freddie, what do you feel about Grish's team?

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Are they scary at all?

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-ALL SHOUT:

-No!

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Look at these. Yeah!

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Oh, wow. You guys are looking marvellous.

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Let me tell you about what you could be winning today.

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It is the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course.

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-ALL:

-Ooh!

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This prize is one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

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It sits comfortably between the Great Pyramids

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and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

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Make history by winning this prize.

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To the kitchen. Pretend you are the Queen and you're showing people

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around your palace.

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So today you are...

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And this is our wonderful cabinet.

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The finest crystal glass, only found within the depths of the abyss.

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Today's show is sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy,

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the fuel of the future.

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It's time to play Kitchen Lol-ympics.

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The team who fills the bowl with the most cereal wins three samojis.

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But this won't be quite as easy as it sounds.

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This is combat, after all.

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So the player will be wearing boxing gloves to make it harder.

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Team captains, who have you chosen to play? Freddie?

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Who's your champ and why?

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I've chosen Joe because he's a boxer...

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Oh, you think actually being a boxer is going to help him

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pour cereal into a bowl?

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He likes cereal.

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Oh, then we have a lot in common, man.

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Ashley, why do you think your dad can win this breakfast bout?

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He is the fastest in the house. Believe me!

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Does he have good hands, though?

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Have you seen his hands? Yeah, he has fantastic hands.

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I mean, that's his arm, can I see his hand?

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OK, those look good, too. Grish.

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What skills does your dad have to make him a winner?

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Well, my dad always wanted to be an MMA fighter,

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-so this could be his chance.

-OK.

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Limber up and show me some moves. I want to see some sparring.

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Now, OK, I see that Ashley's dad is already going in hard.

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And then, Grish. Grish's dad. And finally...

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OK, cool, cool, nice, nice. Remember that shielding hand.

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Boom, boom, boom. I know nothing about boxing. Cool.

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Now, let's get this thing started. Where's my microphone?

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In the blue corner, we have Freddie's friend Joe.

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And in the red corner, we have Ashley's dad.

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And in the yellow corner, we have Grish's dad.

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The gloves are on. Let's get ready to RUMBLE!

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Begin.

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60 seconds on the clock.

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It's the fight of the century.

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A jab there and a hook.

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There's nothing like a bout at breakfast.

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-That looks very awkward.

-Come on!

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Whoop! And remember, just the cereal.

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I don't need boxes in my bowls.

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THEY CHEER

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Grish's dad...

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This looks really funny, to be honest.

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Oh, he's hitting it. He's hitting it.

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Remember, you have limited amount of time.

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You need to get as much cereal as possible in the bowl.

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Freddie's friend is struggling.

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Come on, come on, come on.

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Is he going to get any cereal in the bowl? This is critical.

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I see Ashley's dad is really killing this game.

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Oh, yes, yes. Grish's dad. Ooh! Nice.

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Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four,

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three, two, one. Time's up. Stop!

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Stop, stop.

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Place your bowls in front of the camera and

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let me see who has fought the hardest.

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-Freddie's team, what you have in there?

-Not much.

-A lot of sweat.

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-You have a lot of boxes.

-Boxes.

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OK, I see Ashley's team has a whole bunch of cereal.

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All right, I think this is a clear game.

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Well done, Ashley. Three samojis to

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your team for filling the bowl with the most cereal.

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ALL CHEER

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And one samoji for Grish's team

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cos that was a very close bout.

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Congratulations.

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THEY CHEER

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Have I mentioned I absolutely love cereal?

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Ashley, can I have a taste of your winning cereal?

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You're going to love this one, trust me.

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Ah, hold it up for me.

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There we go. Thank you so much.

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-No problem.

-SHE CHEWS VERY LOUDLY

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I love it so much.

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DONKEY BRAYS LOUDLY Knockout.

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Freddie, it's your chance to win an extra samoji

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in a little something I like to call...

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BELLS DING

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..Home Truths.

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Freddie, I want you to stand back-to-back with your mum.

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No cheating and no peeking, none of that.

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Grab the whiteboards and pens.

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OK, here's the question,

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what's the most annoying thing about your dad?

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If you both give me the same answer, you got one samoji.

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Have you got an answer? DRUM ROLL

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One, two, three.

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-Dancing.

-Sniffing.

-BUZZER

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No!

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Oh, no. You did not get the same answer.

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You missed the chance of getting one samoji.

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THEY GROAN

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SHE SNIFFS What's that smell?

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Oh, it's samoji time.

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Freddie is on zero.

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THEY GROAN

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Grish has one samoji.

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THEY MOAN AMBIVALENTLY

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And Ashley takes the lead with three.

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THEY CHEER

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Beautiful work. Now, onwards to the bathroom,

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or wee-wee palace, as we call it in Finland.

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I want you to move to the loo as if the floor was made of lava.

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Is it hot?

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Ahh!

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Oh-oh!

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HE PANTS

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It is time for Toilet Takedown.

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OK, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to write your answers

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on the closest thing to paper,

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which in the bathroom is the loo roll.

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Here it is.

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Ever drunk so much liquid you might burst?

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Well, think about this, on average how many cups of tea does

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the entire population of the UK drink a day?

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SLURPING I'll give you a clue.

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It's to the nearest million.

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We have limited amount of time, so please write your answers

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and don't show me yet.

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OK, time's up. Pens down.

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Now, come to the screen and hold up your answers.

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-Freddie, what did you write?

-3 million.

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-Grish.

-7 million.

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-And Ashley.

-280 million.

-Hm.

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Interesting.

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The correct answer is...

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..165 million cups of tea.

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Ashley, you were the closest.

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Only 115 million out.

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Three samojis to you, Ashley. Congratulations.

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HE CHEERS

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It's time for the race to end all races.

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It's wind-up warriors.

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It's a Rumble In The Jungle when these mighty mammals meet.

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But who will be crowned king

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and who will be buying the drinks at the watering hole?

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It's the gorilla, elephant and giraffe.

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And they all want to be a...

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So, take position because it is time to Rumble In The Jungle!

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OK, players, so gorilla, elephant or the giraffe.

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Ashley, you are in first place.

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Pick your toy and tell me why you think they will win.

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I pick the giraffe because it has long legs and...ahh!

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It will go very fast.

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OK, that makes sense.

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Grish, you are in second place, who have you gone for and why?

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I picked the elephant. Slow

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and steady always wins the race.

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Slow and steady will win the race?

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OK, well, you know, we never know

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because you know, they are wind-up toys.

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We don't know which one goes the fastest

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cos they are not real animals.

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But hey, Freddie, that means that you get gorilla.

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What do you think the gorilla's chances of winning are?

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You know, I think they are high

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because normally the jungle

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has trees

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and elephants and giraffes aren't actually in the jungle,

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so maybe it could use a bit of geographical terms to win.

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It's time for the wind-up race of the year.

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Call your teams back in, guys.

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Let's see who will wind up the winner.

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CHEERING

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Get ready! Three, two, one...

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..go!

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Let's watch that again.

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CHEERING

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-King of the jungle!

-Congratulations, Freddie.

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Your weird tree psychology works.

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Three samojis for you.

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Tree whisperers.

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Ashley, it is your chance to win an extra samoji.

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-Are you interested?

-Yes.

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Let's do Home Truths. BELLS DING

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And now just like before, no peeking, no cheating, no conferring.

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The question stands,

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what's the one thing your mum couldn't live without?

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And if you both give me the same answer,

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you get bonus samoji.

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One, two, three.

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-My dad.

-My phone!

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BUZZER LAUGHTER

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Oh, my goodness. Wow!

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OK. That's a little awkward.

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Ashley's dad, how do you feel about that?

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I just can't believe it. You said one THING.

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It's OK. It's OK.

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Not the kids, not the husband, but the phone.

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All right, no samoji for your team.

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Let's check in with the samoji scoreboard.

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Grish has one samoji.

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Freddie moves on to three samojis.

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And Ashley, my dear, you are still

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in the lead with six samojis.

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CHEERING

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Wonderful, wonderful work.

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Now, let's live it up at into the living room.

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Move! I've got a chant. "Lads, lads, lads. We're the lads on tour."

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-Lads, lads, lads...

-Lads, lads, lads.

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Lads, lads, lads.

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Lads, lads, lads.

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It is time for Remotely Funny Families.

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Today's game is fun and educational,

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two words I never thought I'd say in the same sentence on this show.

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It is time for that old British party game - Flag Face.

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Everyone plays this here, right? Right?

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-Huh?

-No, no.

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Well, Freddie, whose face are you going to be painting and why?

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My dad's because he's better at guessing flags.

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OK, that makes sense.

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What about Ashley, who are you painting and why?

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I'll paint my mum because her face is nice and smooth.

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Oh, all right. A good canvas there. Grish.

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I'm painting my dad because he likes to think he knows a lot about flags.

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-Oh.

-Oh, likes to think?

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Well, let's see if he actually knows a lot about flags soon. Canvases...

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I mean adults. Screw up your eyes. No peeking. Here comes the flag.

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Look carefully.

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Look at it.

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You are going to be painting this on their face.

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Now, that's it. Start painting!

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You have 45 seconds on the clock to recreate this

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flag on your parents' faces.

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Ashley. Do it over the whole face.

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The whole thing.

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Wonderful. Grish, wonderful. I'm seeing great progress over there.

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All right, we are running out of time, guys.

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We are running out of time.

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Seven, six, five, four,

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three, two, one. Time's up!

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Time's up. Stop painting.

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Let's see who's flag-tastic and who's just...well, flagging.

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Open your eyes.

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Freddie, talk us through your work of art.

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-Uh...terrible.

-LAUGHTER

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Now, Ashley, how did you make this masterpiece on your mother's face?

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I think it was too smooth for the paint. Too smooth. Too smooth.

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I've got to tell you, I do prefer her without this make-up.

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Now, Grish, are you happy with the flag face you created?

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Oh, yeah, it looks pretty similar to the flag that we saw.

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You know what? it looks so great, I'm going

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to give you three samojis, Grish.

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CHEERING

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But does anyone actually know the country?

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Write your answer down on the white board.

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After three, everyone reveal your boards, OK?

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One, two, three!

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BUZZER

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Oh! I'm sorry.

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No-one had the right answer. It was the flag of the Seychelles.

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Grish, it is your chance to win an extra samoji.

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-Are you down for that?

-Yeah!

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Because it's time for some Home Truths.

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BELLS DING # Home Truths! #

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And here comes the question.

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If your dad was an emoji,

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what emoji would they be?

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If you both give me the same answer, you get the samoji.

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On three, shout the answer out loud and reveal, OK?

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One, two, three, reveal!

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-Smiley samoji.

-BUZZER

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What is that, Grish's dad?

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-QFC...

-That's not an emoji.

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LAUGHTER

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You guys didn't have the same answer,

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so you missed your chance to get a bonus samoji.

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I'm very sorry.

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Let's see who is at the top of the leaderboard.

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Freddie stays on three samojis.

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Grish is now on four samojis.

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And Ashley is still

0:18:090:18:10

in the lead with six samojis.

0:18:100:18:13

THEY CHEER

0:18:130:18:16

It's time to go upstairs.

0:18:200:18:22

Feel free to send someone ahead to pick your pants up off the floor.

0:18:220:18:25

Bring it on.

0:18:250:18:27

It is The Decider.

0:18:270:18:29

This game is called Say-What-You-See-mojis.

0:18:360:18:39

Look at my samojis and tell me what they are meant to represent.

0:18:390:18:43

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two samojis.

0:18:430:18:47

Now, get your buzzers.

0:18:470:18:48

Ashley, what do you have?

0:18:520:18:53

-I have...

-TOY SQUEAKS

0:18:530:18:54

-..a squeaky toy buzzer.

-Wonderful. Freddie, what about you?

0:18:540:18:57

-I have a maraca.

-Mm.

0:18:570:18:59

I like the originality.

0:18:590:19:01

Grish, what did you bring?

0:19:010:19:03

A spoon and a plate.

0:19:030:19:05

SHE GRUNTS Start the clock.

0:19:050:19:08

It is a reality style drama that follows

0:19:080:19:10

the lives of a group of dancers.

0:19:100:19:13

-Ashley.

-The Next Step.

0:19:130:19:15

Yes, correct! Here comes the next one.

0:19:150:19:17

TOY SQUEAKS Ashley.

0:19:190:19:22

See a ghost?

0:19:220:19:23

No.

0:19:230:19:24

It's a game that you might have played as a child.

0:19:240:19:27

-Grish.

-Peekaboo.

0:19:290:19:30

Yes, congratulations. And the next.

0:19:300:19:33

It's a song by Ed Sheeran

0:19:340:19:36

-Ashely.

-Brazil.

0:19:370:19:39

No.

0:19:390:19:40

Next. Freddie.

0:19:400:19:42

Galway Girl.

0:19:420:19:43

Yes, correct. Next one.

0:19:430:19:45

It's a saying you use when you might be in the wrong.

0:19:460:19:49

Grish.

0:19:490:19:51

Barking up the wrong tree.

0:19:510:19:53

Correct! Well done. Last chance.

0:19:530:19:55

-Ashley.

-The Boss Baby.

0:19:580:20:00

It's correct! Wonderful. Time's up.

0:20:000:20:02

Get your teams back in the room.

0:20:020:20:05

Mum, dad...

0:20:050:20:06

Hawaiian heroes!

0:20:060:20:08

And I can reveal...

0:20:120:20:14

..dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!

0:20:140:20:17

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:20:170:20:20

Ashley! CHEERING

0:20:280:20:32

Congratulations, Ashley.

0:20:320:20:34

Congratulations.

0:20:350:20:37

Ashley, I will be sending you a highly prized

0:20:400:20:42

Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:420:20:44

Freddie and Grish, you don't go home empty-handed.

0:20:440:20:47

We will be sending you a "Money can't buy Remotely Funny" cap,

0:20:470:20:51

from our sponsor, of course. There you go.

0:20:510:20:53

Beautiful. You love ruskeakastike! Just like me.

0:20:540:20:58

Today's show is sponsored by Ruskeakastike Gravy,

0:20:590:21:02

the fuel of the future.

0:21:020:21:04

Big thanks to you, Freddie, Grish and Ashley

0:21:040:21:07

and your teams for letting us turn your houses absolutely

0:21:070:21:10

upside down in the hope of landing a hoodie.

0:21:100:21:13

You have been immense, it's been remote,

0:21:130:21:15

and we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:150:21:17

-Take it away, Freddie.

-Bring on the music!

0:21:170:21:20

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

0:21:200:21:23

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

0:21:230:21:27

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

0:21:270:21:29

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

0:21:290:21:32

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh yeah

0:21:320:21:36

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

0:21:360:21:38

# Woo-woo!

0:21:380:21:39

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na

0:21:390:21:41

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh Na-na-na-na-na-na-na na na-na... #

0:21:410:21:45

-ALL:

-Bye.

-Bye!

0:21:450:21:48

# O-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh yeah! #

0:21:500:21:53

Saara continues her visit to the UK and connects remotely from the infamous Donkey Town with Freddie from Lincolnshire, Ashley from north London and Grish from Warwickshire. There'll be a face full of geography in Flag Face, a breakfast unboxing match in the kitchen and Wind-Up Warriors - all in an attempt to win the hallowed Remotely Funny hoodie. So fill the fridge and clean the toilet because Saara is dropping in with a sack full of chaos.


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