Ugley Remotely Funny


Ugley

Game show. It's Saara's birthday and she connects three contestants from all over the UK via remote Wi-Fi for games and mayhem.


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Transcript


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On today's Remotely Funny...

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Because she's very old and she's getting wrinkles

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and she needs a facial.

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Mm...

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Welcome to Remotely Funny!

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# Ohhhh, yeah!

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# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

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# Woo! Woo!

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# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

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# Woo! Woo!

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# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

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# Woo! Woo!

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# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

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Woo! Woo!

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# Ohhhhhhhhhh

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# Yeah! #

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Hi, everyone. I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

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the game show that allows me

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to be the worst friend you've ever brought home from school.

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Parents love me, ha-ha!

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After travelling the world on a mission to learn every single

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regional accent, I've decided that the UK is the place for me.

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And today, I'm coming to you from...

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..Ugley in Essex.

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It's not ugly, it's proper reem!

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Drop me out!

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Anyway, if I'm in Ugley, where are my Remotely funny players?

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Who's up first?

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It's Tabby! Hello, Tabby!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Tabby from Hertfordshire

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and I love gymnastics.

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This is my mum, she's really good face painting.

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ROAR!

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OOH-OOH-AAH-AAH!

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This is my dad, he's the best at making home-made Yorkshire puddings.

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This is my brother, he's cricket crazy.

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Tabby's team, I hear you're the one, yeah?

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-ALL:

-She's the one, yeah! She's the one, yeah!

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Nice!

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Wonderful.

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Well, Tabby, I might just need someone's vocal skills later.

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Can you give me a little something?

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# Yodelay-yodelay-hee-hoo! #

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Ooh! Let's see who you're up against.

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It is Lyle!

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Tabby's team, say hello to Lyle's gang.

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-Hello!

-Hey, Lyle's gang!

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Hi, Lyle.

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Hello, my name is Lyle and I'm from Glasgow

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and I can dance to any song.

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STRICTLY THEME PLAYS AND LYLE SINGS ALONG

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This is my dad and he likes trains.

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Choo choo!

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This is my mum and she likes frozen grapes.

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And here's my friend Alistair and he can speak Gaelic.

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MADAINN MHAITH, SAARA!

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Tabby's team, are you scared of Lyle's team?

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-ALL:

-No!

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And finally, it's Shazia!

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Everyone say hi to Team Shazia.

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-Hi, Shazia!

-Hi!

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Hi, my name's Shazia,

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I love dancing, gymnastics and baking.

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This is my younger sister, Aliya, she's a cheeky monkey

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and she always has a trick up her sleeve.

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This is my friend, Olivia, she would like to be a marine biologist.

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This is my mum, she has a big mouth.

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But she loves eating healthy.

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This is my aunt.

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She is the best aunt,

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but she is also the worst cook.

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That's my team for you!

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Well, let me tell you what one of you could be winning today.

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It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course!

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Priceless, inspiring, soft,

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all words that have been used to describe this prize.

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Create a winner's wardrobe and join the elite

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by being a champion today.

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Now, get in the zone

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because it's time to play Remotely Funny Families!

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Doosh!

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As famous in Finland as Father Christmas,

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me and of course ruskeakastike,

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it's Finish the Lyrics.

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Lyle, who have you picked?

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Er, my dad, my dad, my dad.

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Why is he going to be good for this?

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He's just got oldness in him.

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What about you, Tabby, who's going to be playing for you and why?

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My mum cos she's weird.

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Ooh, OK, so we have old, weird...

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Shazia, who's going to be playing for you and why?

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-My auntie!

-Oh, no!

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Because she's more of a 21st-century person that my mum!

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Whoa, nice! OK.

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Contenders, find something your singers can use as a microphone.

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I'm going to go...

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-Ahh.

-Ooh.

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Lyle, what do you have?

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-My little brother's toy.

-Interesting.

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Tabby, what did you bring in for a microphone?

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A spoon.

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Resembles a microphone. Shazia, what do you have for a microphone?

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I've got a microphone!

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WHAT?!

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Mind blown!

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Shazia, I like you.

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I'm going to play each of you a song and when the music stops,

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you need to finish the lyrics.

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If you don't know the lyrics, make them up.

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And for goodness' sake, give me a good performance.

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-Tabby's mum, you're going first. Play the song!

-OK.

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# Girl put your love on me

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# Cos I won't let you down

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# I won't let you down

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# And we'll be singing, singing

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# Singing, singing, singing, singing, singing, singing... #

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Here we go.

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We're coming closer.

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Tabby's mum, it's you moment, sing!

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# We'll be singing... #

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-AIRHORN

-# Ah put your love on me... #

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CAT SHRIEKS

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-# I don't know any more words but I'm going to sing...

-#

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Ahhhhh!

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Keep singing!

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# Sing it, sing it, sing it, sing it... #

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Stop, it's so terrible!

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Tabby, how do you feel?

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Ashamed!

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Ha-ha!

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And here's how Galantis and Hook N Sling do it.

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# Girl put your love on me

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# Cos I won't let you down

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# I won't let you down

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# And we'll be singing

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# Girl put your love on me

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# I feel it all around

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# I feel it all around

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# And we'll be singing... #

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OK. Lyle's dad, it's your turn.

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Hit the music!

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# She tells him, "Your life ain't gonna be nothing like my life,

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# "You're gonna grow and have a good life

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# "I'm gonna do what I've got to do"... #

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AIRHORN

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# So rockaway, rockaway...ay... #

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GLASS SMASHES

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Keep going, keep going!

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# Rockabye... #

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# Baby, rockabay... #

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CAT SHRIEKS

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# I know I've got your love

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# I'm going to something about your love... #

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I think my dad should get a samoji for cringe.

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I'll be the judge of that, Lyle.

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But Clean Bandit do it the best.

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Here it is.

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# Rockabye, baby, don't you cry

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# Rockabye

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# No

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# Oh-oh-oh-oh, rockabye

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# Yeah, yeah... #

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Finally, no pressure, Shazia's aunt.

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Go track!

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# Come and get it while you've still got time

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# Hey!

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# Get your boy on his knees and repeat after me, say

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AIRHORN Sing!

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# Something something secret potion # Something something secret potion

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CAT SHRIEKS

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# La-la-la-la I'm from the wrong century! #

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GLASS SMASHES

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Woohoo!

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-All right, thank you so much, thank you so much.

-Yes!

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Uh, Shazia?

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Sum that performance up in three words.

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Weird, embarrassing...

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The best.

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Oh! OK!

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Here's how the Little Mix girls do it.

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# Take a sip of my secret potion

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# I'll make you fall in love

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# For a spell that can't be broken

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# One drop should be enough... #

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Whew!

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It was a tight competition, all pretty equally terrible,

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but Tabby's mum, three samojs for overall best performance!

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-ALL:

-Yay!

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Shazia's aunt and Lyle's dad both get one samoji for cringe.

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-Woo!

-Yay!

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Lyle, it's your chance to win an extra samoji in...

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# Home Truths. #

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Lyle, I want you to sit back-to-back with your mum.

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Don't be shy.

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Write your answer down on the whiteboard.

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Here's the question.

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What would your dad take to a desert island?

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That's desert, not dessert.

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I've got that planned for later.

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Now, if you give me the same answer, you get the samoji.

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Do you have answers?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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After three, reveal.

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One, two, three!

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-Phone!

-Train timetable!

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BUZZER Good answers but unfortunately,

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they weren't the same so you missed your chance to get a bonus samoji.

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Sorry, Lyle's team.

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Scoreboard time.

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Lyle and Shazia both have one samoji.

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-Yay!

-Yay!

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And taking an early lead is Tabby with three samojis.

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-Yay!

-She's the one!

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Great. Now, I need the bathroom.

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Let's go, go, go, go! I can't hold it! Arrrgh!

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I want your whole family to move to the bathroom like a herd of cows.

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MOO!

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-Moo!

-Moo!

-Moo!

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Moo!

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-Moo!

-Moo!

-Moo!

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MOO!

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It's time for Toilet Takedown.

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I'm going to ask you a question

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and I want you to write your answers on the closest thing to paper

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which is loo roll.

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You will have ten seconds to answer the question.

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We all get stinky feet now and then but in thousands,

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how many sweat glands do you have on your feet?

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Write down your answers and don't show me yet.

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Quick fact, did you know there are 52 bones in your feet

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and they make up one quarter of all the bones in your body?

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BUZZER Now, pens down.

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Tabby, what do you have?

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7,000.

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What about you, Lyle?

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2,000.

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-And Shazia?

-10,000.

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Hmm.

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Well, the correct answer is...

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..250,000,

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so that means three samojis for Shazia!

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Yay!

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It's time for the race of the century

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in Wind-Up Warriors.

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The toy that travels the furthest will be crowned the winner.

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Let's take a look at today's contenders.

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It's...

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These unicorns love nothing more than

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leaving their competition in the fairy dust.

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But who will be crowned the magic stallion

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and who will be, well,

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just pony.

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Saddle up, it's...

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Shazia, what toy are you picking and why?

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I chose, um, C

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cos it looks far ahead.

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Tabby, you can pick next.

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Who are you going for and why?

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B because, erm,

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it looks pretty fast.

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Lyle, that means you get A. How does that make you feel?

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Do you think you have a chance in this game?

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Yes, because it means "ace".

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Mm. Well said.

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Doosh!

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Are you ready for the race of the century?

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Arrgh!

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Yes! Now,

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let's see who winds up the winner?

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Three,

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two,

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one!

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GOOOOO!

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Ohhh...

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Oh!

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No!

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NEIGH!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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WHOOOOOOA!

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AIRHORN

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That was a close one!

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Congratulations, Tabby, three samojis for you.

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Yeah!

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-Yeah!

-Tabby, it's your chance to play...

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Home Truths!

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Here's the question. Who's your mum's celebrity crush?

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No conferring.

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Have you both got an answer?

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-Yep.

-Yeah, I've got an answer.

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After three, reveal.

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DRUM ROLL

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One, two, three,

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shout it out loud!

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Ant and Dec! Kevin from Strictly!

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BUZZER

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Ah, so it's Kevin from Strictly and Ant and Dec.

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Unfortunately, those were not the same answers

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so you missed your chance for the extra samoji.

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I'm sorry, guys.

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What was it?

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I-I'd say Tom Hardy!

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-What?!

-Ha-ha-ha!

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Yeah for Tom Hardy!

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Woo!

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WOLF WHISTLE

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I smell samojis...

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Lyle still has one.

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Shazia is now on four samojis.

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Yay!

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And Tabby has moved into the lead with six samojis.

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Yay!

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Now, to the kitchen. I want to hear you beatboxing on the way!

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THEY BEATBOX

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Lyle, give me a little beatbox!

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HE BEATBOXES

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It's time for Kitchen Lol-ympics.

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Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy,

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the gravy so versatile, you can pour it on your ice cream,

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cornflakes or sunburn.

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It's my birthday today!

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Who remembered?

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Anyone? Anyone?

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This is awkward. Ahem.

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There's one way you can make it up to me though.

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Bake me a cake!

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But there's a twist.

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I want you to make it on your parents' faces.

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I'm going to show you all a picture

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and you need to recreate my chosen cake in the time allowed.

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Samojis for the face that looks most like the picture.

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Tabby, who's going to be your cake stand today?

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My dad.

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-Lyle?

-My mum.

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-Shazia?

-My mum!

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Because she's very old and she's getting wrinkles

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and she needs a facial.

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No!

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Shazia, don't go there, I tell you,

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don't go there, don't go there.

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I'm going to be showing you a picture

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of the cake you need to recreate

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and I want you to look carefully.

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Here comes my birthday creation.

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Three, two, one,

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cake bake!

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Use the hands.

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Use the hands.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Avoid the eyes, please, avoid the eyes.

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Ahhh! Ah!

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Ahh, no!

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Oh...

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-Right.

-Ahh!

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-SHE SCREAMS

-What do you need?

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Get those marshmallows on, I want to see sprinkles!

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I've got sprinkles!

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BUZZER Time's up!

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Let's look at our cake faces.

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Shazia, talk me through your cake.

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-Um, you've got one cherry...

-Ooh!

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-..loads of sprinkles and an icing face.

-Ooh!

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It fell off!

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Lyle, tell me about your cake.

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An icing face, cheese balls, marshmallows just everywhere.

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Mum, let's have a look closer.

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We look like the same person, ha-ha-ha!

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Tabby, tell me about your cake?

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A masterpiece!

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It really is.

0:15:550:15:57

Three samojis for the best cake face goes to

0:15:570:15:59

Tabby for getting all these sprinkles on.

0:15:590:16:01

-Yay!

-She's the one!

-Oh yay!

0:16:010:16:06

Tabby's dad, come closer, I want to have a lick at the winning cake.

0:16:060:16:10

Mmm...

0:16:100:16:12

SHE SMACKS HER LIPS Mmmmm!

0:16:120:16:15

I've got a bonus to give out.

0:16:150:16:17

Shazia, you ready?

0:16:170:16:18

-Yeah.

-It's time for...

0:16:180:16:20

# ..Home Truths. #

0:16:210:16:22

Write your answer on your whiteboard.

0:16:260:16:29

What's the worst thing your auntie cooks?

0:16:290:16:31

If you give me the same answer, you get the samoji.

0:16:330:16:35

No cheating, no conferring, no peeking, none of that.

0:16:350:16:38

Do you both have an answer?

0:16:400:16:42

Yes!

0:16:420:16:43

OK, after three, reveal and shout.

0:16:430:16:46

One, two, three.

0:16:460:16:48

Go!

0:16:480:16:49

-Roast chicken!

-Pasta!

-Oh!

0:16:490:16:52

Oh! You didn't have the same answer so you don't get the bonus samoji,

0:16:520:16:55

sorry, Shazia.

0:16:550:16:57

Shazia's aunt, how do you make pasta badly?

0:16:580:17:01

Very easily, apparently.

0:17:010:17:02

-You should come over, Saara.

-Any time, just message me.

0:17:030:17:06

As long as you're not cooking.

0:17:060:17:08

Samojis, a bonus round and delicious ingredients

0:17:080:17:11

that you can save and tuck into later, what's not to like?

0:17:110:17:15

Thank you, Remotely Funny, it's been a wonderful birthday.

0:17:150:17:18

Let's get a samoji slice.

0:17:230:17:25

Lyle stays on one.

0:17:250:17:27

He's saving himself for the last game.

0:17:270:17:29

Shazia is still four samojis.

0:17:290:17:31

And Tabby steams ahead onto nine samojis.

0:17:360:17:39

-Yay!

-Yay!

0:17:390:17:42

Wash off that cake mixture and those smiles,

0:17:420:17:45

you know what's coming.

0:17:450:17:46

Up to your bedrooms!

0:17:460:17:47

Cheer your team captains because...

0:17:490:17:52

..it's the decider.

0:17:520:17:53

This game is called Say What You See-mojis.

0:18:000:18:03

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:18:030:18:06

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two samojis.

0:18:060:18:10

Now go get a buzzer!

0:18:100:18:12

Hmm.

0:18:180:18:19

Lyle, what do you have and can you test it out for me?

0:18:190:18:23

I have my little brother's elephant toy.

0:18:230:18:26

SQUEAK, SQUEAK!

0:18:260:18:28

Perfect.

0:18:280:18:29

Tabby, what did you bring?

0:18:290:18:30

I have, like, this big spoon and fork.

0:18:310:18:34

Wonderful. Shazia, what's your buzzer?

0:18:370:18:40

I've got bells.

0:18:400:18:42

Could be better. Deep breath.

0:18:440:18:47

Focus.

0:18:480:18:49

Start the clock.

0:18:510:18:52

First Say What You See-moji.

0:18:520:18:54

It's a song from the movie Frozen.

0:18:540:18:56

Shazia.

0:18:560:18:57

Build-A-Bear.

0:18:570:18:58

BUZZER No. Anyone else?

0:18:580:19:01

Lyle?

0:19:010:19:03

Er, Let It Go.

0:19:030:19:04

BUZZER

0:19:040:19:05

Nope, it was Do You Want to Build a Snowman? Next.

0:19:050:19:07

It's a toy that keeps your fingers busy.

0:19:070:19:10

Tabby.

0:19:100:19:12

Fidget spinner!

0:19:120:19:13

Yes, correct. Next one.

0:19:130:19:15

This one, it's a bug that you find in the garden.

0:19:150:19:18

-Shazia.

-Earthworm.

0:19:180:19:20

Yes! Here comes the next one.

0:19:200:19:21

It's a CBBC show about different types of jobs.

0:19:210:19:25

It's the show about jobs on CBBC.

0:19:280:19:30

Anyone? No?

0:19:300:19:32

BUZZER It was All Over the Workplace.

0:19:320:19:33

Next one.

0:19:330:19:34

It's a movie about dinosaurs.

0:19:340:19:36

Lyle.

0:19:370:19:39

Jurassic World!

0:19:390:19:40

Yes!

0:19:400:19:41

BUZZER Time's up.

0:19:410:19:43

That's it, get your teams back in the room.

0:19:430:19:45

Team, come on!

0:19:460:19:48

I can reveal...

0:19:540:19:56

SHE IMITATES DRUM ROLL

0:19:560:19:59

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:19:590:20:02

HEARTBEATS

0:20:020:20:08

HEARTBEATS SPEED UP

0:20:080:20:12

Tabby! Congratulations, Tabby!

0:20:120:20:13

-Yay!

-Woohoo!

0:20:130:20:17

CHEERING

0:20:170:20:24

# Yodelay-yodelay-hee-hoo! #

0:20:240:20:27

Arrrrrgh!

0:20:270:20:28

Steady, Tabby, steady!

0:20:280:20:29

-Are you OK?

-I'm OK!

0:20:290:20:31

OK, good.

0:20:310:20:32

Tabby, I'll be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:320:20:37

Shazia and Lyle, you don't go home empty-handed.

0:20:370:20:40

Here's a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap from our sponsor.

0:20:400:20:43

Put them on!

0:20:430:20:44

Yes!

0:20:460:20:47

Today's show was sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy.

0:20:470:20:50

Gravy so versatile, you can pour it on your ice cream,

0:20:500:20:53

cornflakes or sunburn.

0:20:530:20:55

Shout, "I love ruskeakastike"!

0:20:560:20:59

-ALL:

-I love ruskeakastike!

0:20:590:21:03

Ah, that is music to my ears. I love it too!

0:21:030:21:05

Now, big thanks to Tabby, Lyle and Shazia and your teams.

0:21:070:21:12

I came and conquered your homes with mess and muck.

0:21:120:21:15

You've been immense, it's been remote,

0:21:150:21:18

and we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:180:21:20

Take it away, Lyle!

0:21:200:21:21

Play the music!

0:21:210:21:23

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:230:21:26

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:260:21:29

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:290:21:33

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:330:21:36

# Ohhhhhhhhhh

0:21:360:21:38

# Yeah!

0:21:380:21:39

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:390:21:41

# Woo! Woo!

0:21:410:21:42

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:420:21:44

# Woo! Woo! Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na...

0:21:440:21:46

-ALL:

-Bye!

0:21:460:21:49

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:490:21:51

# Woo! Woo!

0:21:510:21:52

# Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeah! #

0:21:520:21:55

Three more players are in with the chance of becoming a Remotely Funny champion. They are Lyle from Glasgow, Shazia from north London and Tabby from Hertford who'll be using the powers of the internet to connect to Saara in Ugley for more round-the-house madness. Challenges include Remotely Funny favourite Finnish the Lyrics and as it's Saara's Birthday - what better way to celebrate than turning the parents into a birthday Cake Face? All that and some very revealing answers in Saara's bonus Home Truths game, but who will go the full distance and reign victorious in the Decider - the final chance to claim the Remotely Funny crown?


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