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Ugley Remotely Funny

Ugley

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Transcript

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On today's Remotely Funny...

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Because she's very old and she's getting wrinkles

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and she needs a facial.

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Mm...

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Welcome to Remotely Funny!

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# Ohhhh, yeah!

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# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

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# Woo! Woo!

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# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

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# Woo! Woo!

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# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

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# Woo! Woo!

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# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

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Woo! Woo!

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# Ohhhhhhhhhh

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# Yeah! #

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Hi, everyone. I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

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the game show that allows me

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to be the worst friend you've ever brought home from school.

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Parents love me, ha-ha!

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After travelling the world on a mission to learn every single

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regional accent, I've decided that the UK is the place for me.

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And today, I'm coming to you from...

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..Ugley in Essex.

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It's not ugly, it's proper reem!

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Drop me out!

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Anyway, if I'm in Ugley, where are my Remotely funny players?

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Who's up first?

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It's Tabby! Hello, Tabby!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Hi, I'm Tabby from Hertfordshire

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and I love gymnastics.

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This is my mum, she's really good face painting.

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ROAR!

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OOH-OOH-AAH-AAH!

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This is my dad, he's the best at making home-made Yorkshire puddings.

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This is my brother, he's cricket crazy.

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Tabby's team, I hear you're the one, yeah?

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-ALL:

-She's the one, yeah! She's the one, yeah!

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Nice!

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Wonderful.

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Well, Tabby, I might just need someone's vocal skills later.

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Can you give me a little something?

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# Yodelay-yodelay-hee-hoo! #

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Ooh! Let's see who you're up against.

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It is Lyle!

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Tabby's team, say hello to Lyle's gang.

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-Hello!

-Hey, Lyle's gang!

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Hi, Lyle.

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Hello, my name is Lyle and I'm from Glasgow

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and I can dance to any song.

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STRICTLY THEME PLAYS AND LYLE SINGS ALONG

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This is my dad and he likes trains.

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Choo choo!

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This is my mum and she likes frozen grapes.

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And here's my friend Alistair and he can speak Gaelic.

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MADAINN MHAITH, SAARA!

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Tabby's team, are you scared of Lyle's team?

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-ALL:

-No!

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And finally, it's Shazia!

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Everyone say hi to Team Shazia.

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-Hi, Shazia!

-Hi!

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Hi, my name's Shazia,

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I love dancing, gymnastics and baking.

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This is my younger sister, Aliya, she's a cheeky monkey

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and she always has a trick up her sleeve.

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This is my friend, Olivia, she would like to be a marine biologist.

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This is my mum, she has a big mouth.

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But she loves eating healthy.

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This is my aunt.

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She is the best aunt,

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but she is also the worst cook.

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That's my team for you!

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Well, let me tell you what one of you could be winning today.

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It's the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course!

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Priceless, inspiring, soft,

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all words that have been used to describe this prize.

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Create a winner's wardrobe and join the elite

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by being a champion today.

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Now, get in the zone

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because it's time to play Remotely Funny Families!

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Doosh!

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As famous in Finland as Father Christmas,

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me and of course ruskeakastike,

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it's Finish the Lyrics.

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Lyle, who have you picked?

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Er, my dad, my dad, my dad.

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Why is he going to be good for this?

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He's just got oldness in him.

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What about you, Tabby, who's going to be playing for you and why?

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My mum cos she's weird.

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Ooh, OK, so we have old, weird...

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Shazia, who's going to be playing for you and why?

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-My auntie!

-Oh, no!

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Because she's more of a 21st-century person that my mum!

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Whoa, nice! OK.

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Contenders, find something your singers can use as a microphone.

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I'm going to go...

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-Ahh.

-Ooh.

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Lyle, what do you have?

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-My little brother's toy.

-Interesting.

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Tabby, what did you bring in for a microphone?

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A spoon.

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Resembles a microphone. Shazia, what do you have for a microphone?

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I've got a microphone!

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WHAT?!

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Mind blown!

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Shazia, I like you.

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I'm going to play each of you a song and when the music stops,

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you need to finish the lyrics.

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If you don't know the lyrics, make them up.

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And for goodness' sake, give me a good performance.

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-Tabby's mum, you're going first. Play the song!

-OK.

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# Girl put your love on me

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# Cos I won't let you down

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# I won't let you down

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# And we'll be singing, singing

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# Singing, singing, singing, singing, singing, singing... #

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Here we go.

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We're coming closer.

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Tabby's mum, it's you moment, sing!

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# We'll be singing... #

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-AIRHORN

-# Ah put your love on me... #

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CAT SHRIEKS

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-# I don't know any more words but I'm going to sing...

-#

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Ahhhhh!

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Keep singing!

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# Sing it, sing it, sing it, sing it... #

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Stop, it's so terrible!

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Tabby, how do you feel?

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Ashamed!

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Ha-ha!

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And here's how Galantis and Hook N Sling do it.

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# Girl put your love on me

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# Cos I won't let you down

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# I won't let you down

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# And we'll be singing

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# Girl put your love on me

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# I feel it all around

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# I feel it all around

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# And we'll be singing... #

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OK. Lyle's dad, it's your turn.

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Hit the music!

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# She tells him, "Your life ain't gonna be nothing like my life,

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# "You're gonna grow and have a good life

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# "I'm gonna do what I've got to do"... #

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AIRHORN

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# So rockaway, rockaway...ay... #

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GLASS SMASHES

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Keep going, keep going!

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# Rockabye... #

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# Baby, rockabay... #

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CAT SHRIEKS

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# I know I've got your love

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# I'm going to something about your love... #

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I think my dad should get a samoji for cringe.

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I'll be the judge of that, Lyle.

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But Clean Bandit do it the best.

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Here it is.

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# Rockabye, baby, don't you cry

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# Rockabye

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# No

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# Oh-oh-oh-oh, rockabye

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# Yeah, yeah... #

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Finally, no pressure, Shazia's aunt.

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Go track!

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# Come and get it while you've still got time

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# Hey!

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# Get your boy on his knees and repeat after me, say

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AIRHORN Sing!

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# Something something secret potion # Something something secret potion

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CAT SHRIEKS

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# La-la-la-la I'm from the wrong century! #

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GLASS SMASHES

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Woohoo!

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-All right, thank you so much, thank you so much.

-Yes!

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Uh, Shazia?

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Sum that performance up in three words.

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Weird, embarrassing...

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The best.

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Oh! OK!

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Here's how the Little Mix girls do it.

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# Take a sip of my secret potion

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# I'll make you fall in love

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# For a spell that can't be broken

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# One drop should be enough... #

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Whew!

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It was a tight competition, all pretty equally terrible,

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but Tabby's mum, three samojs for overall best performance!

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-ALL:

-Yay!

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Shazia's aunt and Lyle's dad both get one samoji for cringe.

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-Woo!

-Yay!

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Lyle, it's your chance to win an extra samoji in...

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# Home Truths. #

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Lyle, I want you to sit back-to-back with your mum.

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Don't be shy.

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Write your answer down on the whiteboard.

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Here's the question.

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What would your dad take to a desert island?

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That's desert, not dessert.

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I've got that planned for later.

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Now, if you give me the same answer, you get the samoji.

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Do you have answers?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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After three, reveal.

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One, two, three!

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-Phone!

-Train timetable!

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BUZZER Good answers but unfortunately,

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they weren't the same so you missed your chance to get a bonus samoji.

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Sorry, Lyle's team.

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Scoreboard time.

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Lyle and Shazia both have one samoji.

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-Yay!

-Yay!

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And taking an early lead is Tabby with three samojis.

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-Yay!

-She's the one!

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Great. Now, I need the bathroom.

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Let's go, go, go, go! I can't hold it! Arrrgh!

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I want your whole family to move to the bathroom like a herd of cows.

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MOO!

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-Moo!

-Moo!

-Moo!

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Moo!

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-Moo!

-Moo!

-Moo!

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MOO!

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It's time for Toilet Takedown.

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I'm going to ask you a question

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and I want you to write your answers on the closest thing to paper

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which is loo roll.

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You will have ten seconds to answer the question.

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We all get stinky feet now and then but in thousands,

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how many sweat glands do you have on your feet?

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Write down your answers and don't show me yet.

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Quick fact, did you know there are 52 bones in your feet

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and they make up one quarter of all the bones in your body?

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BUZZER Now, pens down.

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Tabby, what do you have?

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7,000.

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What about you, Lyle?

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2,000.

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-And Shazia?

-10,000.

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Hmm.

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Well, the correct answer is...

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..250,000,

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so that means three samojis for Shazia!

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Yay!

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It's time for the race of the century

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in Wind-Up Warriors.

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The toy that travels the furthest will be crowned the winner.

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Let's take a look at today's contenders.

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It's...

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These unicorns love nothing more than

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leaving their competition in the fairy dust.

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But who will be crowned the magic stallion

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and who will be, well,

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just pony.

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Saddle up, it's...

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Shazia, what toy are you picking and why?

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I chose, um, C

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cos it looks far ahead.

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Tabby, you can pick next.

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Who are you going for and why?

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B because, erm,

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it looks pretty fast.

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Lyle, that means you get A. How does that make you feel?

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Do you think you have a chance in this game?

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Yes, because it means "ace".

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Mm. Well said.

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Doosh!

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Are you ready for the race of the century?

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Arrgh!

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Yes! Now,

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let's see who winds up the winner?

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Three,

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two,

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one!

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GOOOOO!

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Ohhh...

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Oh!

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No!

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NEIGH!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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WHOOOOOOA!

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AIRHORN

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That was a close one!

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Congratulations, Tabby, three samojis for you.

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Yeah!

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-Yeah!

-Tabby, it's your chance to play...

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Home Truths!

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Here's the question. Who's your mum's celebrity crush?

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No conferring.

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Have you both got an answer?

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-Yep.

-Yeah, I've got an answer.

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After three, reveal.

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DRUM ROLL

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One, two, three,

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shout it out loud!

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Ant and Dec! Kevin from Strictly!

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BUZZER

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Ah, so it's Kevin from Strictly and Ant and Dec.

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Unfortunately, those were not the same answers

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so you missed your chance for the extra samoji.

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I'm sorry, guys.

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What was it?

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I-I'd say Tom Hardy!

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-What?!

-Ha-ha-ha!

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Yeah for Tom Hardy!

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Woo!

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WOLF WHISTLE

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I smell samojis...

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Lyle still has one.

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Shazia is now on four samojis.

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Yay!

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And Tabby has moved into the lead with six samojis.

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Yay!

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Now, to the kitchen. I want to hear you beatboxing on the way!

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THEY BEATBOX

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Lyle, give me a little beatbox!

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HE BEATBOXES

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It's time for Kitchen Lol-ympics.

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Today's show is sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy,

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the gravy so versatile, you can pour it on your ice cream,

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cornflakes or sunburn.

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It's my birthday today!

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Who remembered?

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Anyone? Anyone?

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This is awkward. Ahem.

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There's one way you can make it up to me though.

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Bake me a cake!

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But there's a twist.

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I want you to make it on your parents' faces.

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I'm going to show you all a picture

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and you need to recreate my chosen cake in the time allowed.

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Samojis for the face that looks most like the picture.

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Tabby, who's going to be your cake stand today?

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My dad.

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-Lyle?

-My mum.

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-Shazia?

-My mum!

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Because she's very old and she's getting wrinkles

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and she needs a facial.

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No!

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Shazia, don't go there, I tell you,

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don't go there, don't go there.

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I'm going to be showing you a picture

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of the cake you need to recreate

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and I want you to look carefully.

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Here comes my birthday creation.

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Three, two, one,

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cake bake!

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Use the hands.

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Use the hands.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Avoid the eyes, please, avoid the eyes.

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Ahhh! Ah!

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Ahh, no!

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Oh...

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-Right.

-Ahh!

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-SHE SCREAMS

-What do you need?

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Get those marshmallows on, I want to see sprinkles!

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I've got sprinkles!

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BUZZER Time's up!

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Let's look at our cake faces.

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Shazia, talk me through your cake.

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-Um, you've got one cherry...

-Ooh!

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-..loads of sprinkles and an icing face.

-Ooh!

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It fell off!

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Lyle, tell me about your cake.

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An icing face, cheese balls, marshmallows just everywhere.

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Mum, let's have a look closer.

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We look like the same person, ha-ha-ha!

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Tabby, tell me about your cake?

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A masterpiece!

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It really is.

0:15:550:15:57

Three samojis for the best cake face goes to

0:15:570:15:59

Tabby for getting all these sprinkles on.

0:15:590:16:01

-Yay!

-She's the one!

-Oh yay!

0:16:010:16:06

Tabby's dad, come closer, I want to have a lick at the winning cake.

0:16:060:16:10

Mmm...

0:16:100:16:12

SHE SMACKS HER LIPS Mmmmm!

0:16:120:16:15

I've got a bonus to give out.

0:16:150:16:17

Shazia, you ready?

0:16:170:16:18

-Yeah.

-It's time for...

0:16:180:16:20

# ..Home Truths. #

0:16:210:16:22

Write your answer on your whiteboard.

0:16:260:16:29

What's the worst thing your auntie cooks?

0:16:290:16:31

If you give me the same answer, you get the samoji.

0:16:330:16:35

No cheating, no conferring, no peeking, none of that.

0:16:350:16:38

Do you both have an answer?

0:16:400:16:42

Yes!

0:16:420:16:43

OK, after three, reveal and shout.

0:16:430:16:46

One, two, three.

0:16:460:16:48

Go!

0:16:480:16:49

-Roast chicken!

-Pasta!

-Oh!

0:16:490:16:52

Oh! You didn't have the same answer so you don't get the bonus samoji,

0:16:520:16:55

sorry, Shazia.

0:16:550:16:57

Shazia's aunt, how do you make pasta badly?

0:16:580:17:01

Very easily, apparently.

0:17:010:17:02

-You should come over, Saara.

-Any time, just message me.

0:17:030:17:06

As long as you're not cooking.

0:17:060:17:08

Samojis, a bonus round and delicious ingredients

0:17:080:17:11

that you can save and tuck into later, what's not to like?

0:17:110:17:15

Thank you, Remotely Funny, it's been a wonderful birthday.

0:17:150:17:18

Let's get a samoji slice.

0:17:230:17:25

Lyle stays on one.

0:17:250:17:27

He's saving himself for the last game.

0:17:270:17:29

Shazia is still four samojis.

0:17:290:17:31

And Tabby steams ahead onto nine samojis.

0:17:360:17:39

-Yay!

-Yay!

0:17:390:17:42

Wash off that cake mixture and those smiles,

0:17:420:17:45

you know what's coming.

0:17:450:17:46

Up to your bedrooms!

0:17:460:17:47

Cheer your team captains because...

0:17:490:17:52

..it's the decider.

0:17:520:17:53

This game is called Say What You See-mojis.

0:18:000:18:03

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

0:18:030:18:06

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins two samojis.

0:18:060:18:10

Now go get a buzzer!

0:18:100:18:12

Hmm.

0:18:180:18:19

Lyle, what do you have and can you test it out for me?

0:18:190:18:23

I have my little brother's elephant toy.

0:18:230:18:26

SQUEAK, SQUEAK!

0:18:260:18:28

Perfect.

0:18:280:18:29

Tabby, what did you bring?

0:18:290:18:30

I have, like, this big spoon and fork.

0:18:310:18:34

Wonderful. Shazia, what's your buzzer?

0:18:370:18:40

I've got bells.

0:18:400:18:42

Could be better. Deep breath.

0:18:440:18:47

Focus.

0:18:480:18:49

Start the clock.

0:18:510:18:52

First Say What You See-moji.

0:18:520:18:54

It's a song from the movie Frozen.

0:18:540:18:56

Shazia.

0:18:560:18:57

Build-A-Bear.

0:18:570:18:58

BUZZER No. Anyone else?

0:18:580:19:01

Lyle?

0:19:010:19:03

Er, Let It Go.

0:19:030:19:04

BUZZER

0:19:040:19:05

Nope, it was Do You Want to Build a Snowman? Next.

0:19:050:19:07

It's a toy that keeps your fingers busy.

0:19:070:19:10

Tabby.

0:19:100:19:12

Fidget spinner!

0:19:120:19:13

Yes, correct. Next one.

0:19:130:19:15

This one, it's a bug that you find in the garden.

0:19:150:19:18

-Shazia.

-Earthworm.

0:19:180:19:20

Yes! Here comes the next one.

0:19:200:19:21

It's a CBBC show about different types of jobs.

0:19:210:19:25

It's the show about jobs on CBBC.

0:19:280:19:30

Anyone? No?

0:19:300:19:32

BUZZER It was All Over the Workplace.

0:19:320:19:33

Next one.

0:19:330:19:34

It's a movie about dinosaurs.

0:19:340:19:36

Lyle.

0:19:370:19:39

Jurassic World!

0:19:390:19:40

Yes!

0:19:400:19:41

BUZZER Time's up.

0:19:410:19:43

That's it, get your teams back in the room.

0:19:430:19:45

Team, come on!

0:19:460:19:48

I can reveal...

0:19:540:19:56

SHE IMITATES DRUM ROLL

0:19:560:19:59

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

0:19:590:20:02

HEARTBEATS

0:20:020:20:08

HEARTBEATS SPEED UP

0:20:080:20:12

Tabby! Congratulations, Tabby!

0:20:120:20:13

-Yay!

-Woohoo!

0:20:130:20:17

CHEERING

0:20:170:20:24

# Yodelay-yodelay-hee-hoo! #

0:20:240:20:27

Arrrrrgh!

0:20:270:20:28

Steady, Tabby, steady!

0:20:280:20:29

-Are you OK?

-I'm OK!

0:20:290:20:31

OK, good.

0:20:310:20:32

Tabby, I'll be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

0:20:320:20:37

Shazia and Lyle, you don't go home empty-handed.

0:20:370:20:40

Here's a money-can't-buy Remotely Funny cap from our sponsor.

0:20:400:20:43

Put them on!

0:20:430:20:44

Yes!

0:20:460:20:47

Today's show was sponsored by ruskeakastike gravy.

0:20:470:20:50

Gravy so versatile, you can pour it on your ice cream,

0:20:500:20:53

cornflakes or sunburn.

0:20:530:20:55

Shout, "I love ruskeakastike"!

0:20:560:20:59

-ALL:

-I love ruskeakastike!

0:20:590:21:03

Ah, that is music to my ears. I love it too!

0:21:030:21:05

Now, big thanks to Tabby, Lyle and Shazia and your teams.

0:21:070:21:12

I came and conquered your homes with mess and muck.

0:21:120:21:15

You've been immense, it's been remote,

0:21:150:21:18

and we've all been pretty funny.

0:21:180:21:20

Take it away, Lyle!

0:21:200:21:21

Play the music!

0:21:210:21:23

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:230:21:26

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:260:21:29

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:290:21:33

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:330:21:36

# Ohhhhhhhhhh

0:21:360:21:38

# Yeah!

0:21:380:21:39

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:390:21:41

# Woo! Woo!

0:21:410:21:42

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:420:21:44

# Woo! Woo! Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na...

0:21:440:21:46

-ALL:

-Bye!

0:21:460:21:49

# Na-na na-na na-na na-na na na

0:21:490:21:51

# Woo! Woo!

0:21:510:21:52

# Ohhhhhhhhhh Yeah! #

0:21:520:21:55

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