Scratchy Bottom Remotely Funny

Oh, hi! On today's Remotely Funny...

HE BELCHES

What? What are you staring at?

Welcome to Remotely Funny!

# Yeah! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

# Whoo-whoo! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

# Whoo-whoo!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

# Whoo-whoo!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

# Whoo-whoo!

# Oh, yeah. #

Hey, everyone, I am Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the game show that allows me

to poke around your homes without your neighbours calling the police.

After travelling the world in search of the perfect Wi-Fi connection,

I've decided that the UK is the place for me.

And today, I am coming to you from Scratchy Bottom, in Dorset.

I love this place, it's so...green and bottom-y.

Anyway, if I'm in Scratchy Bottom, where are my Remotely Funny players?

Who is up first? It's Yvie!

CHEERING

Hi, I'm Yvie and this is my team. This is my dad.

He's very...

This is my mum. She is very good at tidying.

She always helps me tidy my room.

This is my sister.

She's got a really good sense of humour

and she always makes me laugh.

Your team is looking swag. Give me a fist bump.

Welcome. Let's see who you are up against. It's Gregor.

Yvie's team, say hello to Gregor's mob.

ALL SAY HELLO

Hi, I'm Gregor from Rochford. This is my team.

My mum, she embarrasses me at school by giving me kisses.

My brother. We are lucky to have him because he is normally on his phone.

And my dad, he is the king of grumpiness.

Unless he is watching sport.

Take a look at Yvie's team,

how confident would you be at beating them in an arm wrestle?

-110%.

-That's a lot of confidence there.

Well, Yvie, come closer to the camera.

Let's see you both do a little arm wrestle, then.

One, two, three! Go.

And Yvie won. I'm sorry, Gregor.

Maybe you will win later on in the game.

And finally, it is Michelle.

Everyone say hello to Michelle's team.

Hi, Michelle.

Hi!

Hi there, I'm Michelle from Newport. And this is my team.

My mum, who makes the best Bolognese sauce ever.

My dad, the best dancer ever and he loves plantains.

And finally, my brother. This kid can. The best brother ever.

And a maths genius.

So your brother is a maths genius, right?

He also has a special talent for making you laugh. What is it?

Oh. He makes fart noises.

Can I hear one? HE MAKES FART NOISE

Now, that is top quality TV entertainment right there. Genius!

What a fine bunch, you are.

Let me tell you what one of you could be winning today.

It is the Remotely Funny hoodie, of course.

This prize is everything you think it is.

Cheap but highly desirable.

Make yourself the talk of the town by winning this absolute beauty.

Let's get serious. Come closer, my teams. Come closer.

Today, I've got a very special chance for you to win bonus samojis.

When I press pause on my TV remote, all you need to do is freeze.

Freeze like the hoodie depends on it.

There will be one samoji up for grabs per pause moment.

So, keep an eye out for my remote. Teams, look lively.

It is time to play Remotely Funny Families.

Your lounge may never recover

from the horrors of what it is about to see.

Today's game is the glorious strictly cringe.

SHE LAUGHS EVILLY

I'm going to show the old-timers a video

and they need to recreate the moves.

They will also be wearing pedometers

as the aim of the game is to win maximum steps.

And guess what,

and this time you get two parents dancing for double the cringe.

Yvie, how good are your mum and dad at dancing?

Do they have any special moves?

My mum is very embarrassing.

I would not let her dance in public.

Well, Mum, can you show me your go-to move?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's glorious.

Gregor, how do you think your parents will do against Yvie

and Michelle's mum and dad?

-Cringe.

-Really, you don't believe in your parents' dancing skills?

-No!

-Well, I hope they prove you wrong.

Michelle, do you think your parents have got what it takes?

I mean, your dad is the best dancer in the world, right?

-I know my parents have got what it takes.

-Michelle, you've got it.

Now, take a look at this for inspiration.

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY Sorry.

Show me that your pedometers are set to zero.

Show them up at the camera.

Parents, time to get those cranky hips moving.

Keep an eye out for my pesky TV remote. Ready?

Go! LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

Most steps win.

Pause!

Freeze.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. And...

..play! LIVELY MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

CLAXON Stop dancing. Woohoo!

Amazing work, everyone. Everyone did amazing.

Bonus samoji to Yvie's team for excellent pausing skills.

Yvie, what did you think of your parents' dancing?

Very embarrassing.

Like, hundreds of thousands of people are going to see that.

How do you feel about that, Mum?

-Devastated.

-SHE LAUGHS

Michelle, what did you think about your parents' dancing?

Did you think it was as good as you said it would be?

Yes.

-Wow! I like that. Parents, what did you think?

-It was awesome.

-It was awesome, yeah.

-I love that. It was awesome.

Now, Gregor, how do you feel about the dancing you guys

did in your living room?

It was really, really, really weird.

Do you think your mum or dad did better?

My mum.

Nice, mum points.

Now, bring me your pedometers.

Let's see whose old bones have still got it.

Wow. OK, I'm seeing some big numbers there.

Gregor's dad, what happened to your pedometer?

I think when you go over 1,000 steps, you break it, mate.

LAUGHTER

Three samojis for maximum dance steps goes...

..to Michelle's team.

CHEERING

Nice.

Even though Gregor's dad pedometer stayed on zero,

I was quite impressed with his moves,

so one samoji for style goes to his team.

CHEERING

OK, inputting my samojis.

Yvie and Gregor's team both have one samoji.

And Michelle takes the lead with three.

CHEERING

Now, onwards to the bog. Get moving.

I want to hear you neigh and see your...

Can I hear hooves?

SHE NEIGHS

THEY NEIGH

It's time for Toilet Takedown.

I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to write your answers

on the closest thing to paper, which in the bathroom is loo roll,

of course. You will have ten seconds to answer the question.

Here's the question, be ready.

To the nearest million dollars,

how much did the toilet on the International Space Station

cost to build?

Remember, you have limited time to answer.

So get to writing.

Write down your answers and don't show me yet.

BUZZER OK, pens down. Time's up.

Now, come to the screen and hold up your answers.

How many, Yvie?

-500.

-Hm, OK, Michelle, what about you?

150 million.

-Interesting, Gregor.

-3 million.

Well, the correct answer is...

..19 million, so that means three samojis for Gregor.

HE CHEERS Three samojis is a lot.

It's time for the race of the century in Wind Up Warriors.

Let's take a look at today's contenders.

This is...

Just three ordinary chattering teeth go

head-to-head in the ultimate battle.

But who will be getting the golden sticker from the dentist?

And who will be going home with a filling?

Chattering teeth A, B, or C.

You decide.

It's first chattering teeth pass the circular finish line that wins.

So take your positions because it is time to...

Gregor, you are in the lead for now.

You get to pick your toy first.

Who is it going to be? A, B or C?

-C.

-C.

Why do you think C will win this race?

I don't know.

You are just kind of throwing it out there, picking whatever.

OK, well, that's a tactic. Michelle?

-I would choose A.

-Why?

Because A stands for amazing.

Well, that means, Yvie, you get B.

I was going to pick that anyway.

I like your attitude, Yvie. You are going to get far in life.

I hope your teeth go, too. Are you ready for the race of the century?

-Yes!

-Call in your supporters, bring your families in.

Let's see who winds up the winner.

Come on, come on, come on.

Get ready. Three, two, one, go!

CLAXON

Oh! Oh!

CLAXON Hey!

CHEERING Yes.

Yes. Congratulations, Michelle.

Three samojis for your team.

Yvie and Gregor, great effort.

Now, let me see your beautiful teams.

Guys, hang on a minute.

Has someone left a smelly surprise in the bathroom?

BREAKING WIND Ugh, ugh, it stinks. It's gross.

Point to who you think it is in your team.

Oh, it stinks.

Pause.

Hold it. Michelle, pause.

Pause.

And play.

Pausing samoji for Yvie's team.

Great job, Yvie. You really know how to pause.

Let's check in with the samoji scoreboard.

Yvie has two.

Gregor moves onto four samojis.

And Michelle is still in the lead with six samojis.

CHEERING

Congratulations, everyone.

Now, to the kitchen!

Let's all beatbox on the way before we raid the fridge. I'll start.

SHE BEATBOXES

THEY BEATBOX

Today's show was sponsored by ruskeakastike,

the gravy you can slice.

Get the kettle on, it's time for Kitchen LOL-ympics.

Today's game is called big babies.

SHE CRIES

Team captains, you will be taking your parents on a culinary

journey into the wonderful world of baby food.

They fed it to you once,

so it is only fair that you get to pay them back.

Guess three of the main ingredients

and I will give you some sweet samoji action.

Now, where are my big babies?

Call in your big babies.

Oh, no. Oh! Oh.

I cannot un-see any of that.

Now, Gregor, I can't really see your baby.

Gregor's baby, step forward.

Nice. I see why you are hiding.

I understand now.

And actually, yeah, there is

absolutely nothing cute about you all.

Well, let's get to eating. Teams, get your baby food ready.

Guess three of the main ingredients

and I will give you some sweet samoji action.

First up, it is Yvie.

Yvie, is your baby hungry?

Yeah! She wants to eat the whole thing.

I don't think the baby thinks it's hungry.

But open wide, here comes the train. Choo-choo.

Come on, Yvie, you can do it.

Oh, there you go. Open wide. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mm.

I think she wants some more.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, and a big spoonful. Oh, there you go. Nice.

Now, Yvie's mum, do you think you know what's in the baby food?

Three ingredients.

Pasta, chicken and courgette.

Yvie, your baby's jar actually can change contained

courgette, chicken and tomato.

So, you get two samojis. You get two ingredients right. Congratulations.

Amazing for just guessing like that. Great work.

Now, Gregor, it is time to give your baby his din-dins.

Make sure you take a big spoonful.

-Ugh!

-Oh, yeah, take a big one.

Oh, baby's going to love that. SHE LAUGHS

Oh. Oh! Oh, yes.

Baby. Yummy, isn't it?

Oh.

He needs another spoonful. He's not full yet.

He's a big baby. A growing one after all.

Oh, yeah. Oh!

Now. Oh, yeah. Just savour on it. Just let it sit.

I can tell you are enjoying it.

Baby, can you name three of the ingredients in the baby food?

-Potato, broccoli...

-Pickles.

-..carrot.

Hm. Well, Gregor, your baby's food actually contained

potato, spinach and bet.

Which means you get one samoji for potato.

CHEERING

Come on, baby. Come on. You did a great job.

Now, Michelle, I'm sorry, your little baby had to wait.

You are a bad parent Now feed baby.

Oh, there you go. Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Open wide.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

You are enjoying that. You must know what is in it.

Can you name the three ingredients?

Chicken, potato and carrots.

Michelle, your baby's jar actually contained

cauliflower, broccoli and cheese.

You don't get any samojis.

I'm sorry, Michelle's baby. Maybe next time.

I want everyone to take one more big mouthful.

You are growing little ones after all.

Oh. GROANING

Pause.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

And play.

Bonus samoji for pausing for Gregor's baby.

Excellent pausing.

HE BELCHES

Let's serve up the samojis.

Yvie moves on to four samojis.

And sharing the top spot is

Gregor and Michelle on six samojis.

Congratulations.

CHEERING

It is crunch time. It's the Decider.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

Get up upstairs, you rascals.

Make sure to check your pride,

this might be the last time you ever see it.

This game is called Say-What-You-See-mojis.

Look at my samojis and simply tell me what they are meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins the samoji.

Now, show me your buzzers.

Test them out for me.

Start the clock. First Say-What-You-See-moji.

RINGING Michelle.

Hands and crosses.

BUZZER No, that is not the correct answer.

Gregor.

Cross hands.

Nuh-uh-uh. It's not that either.

-I know it, I know it.

-Yvie.

Fingers crossed.

Yes, Yvie. There you go!

Two samojis to you.

Here comes the next one.

Michelle.

Frozen. The movie Frozen.

Yes, Michelle! Two samojis for you.

Next one.

It's a song by Katy Perry.

Michelle.

Train station railway fire.

Sorry, Michelle, no.

-I know!

-Yvie.

-Firefighter.

Nope.

-Gregor.

-Fire builder.

Sadly, you all got that wrong. The answer was Firework.

Now, here comes the next one.

Clue, it is a saying you use when you aren't focusing.

Michelle.

Daydreaming.

-No. Yvie, what is it?

-Under the weather.

-No, not that either. Gregor.

-Cloudy head.

No. Not quite.

The correct answer was head in the clouds.

That is time up. That's it.

Get your teams back in the room.

Come on, families. Come on in. It is time to wrap it up.

I can reveal... # Da-da-da-da-da-da! #

..today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Michelle! CHEERING

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Michelle, I will be sending you a highly prized Remotely Funny hoodie.

Yvie and Gregor, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you a "Money Can't Buy Remotely Funny" cap

from our sponsor.

Put them on.

Today's show was sponsored by ruskeakastike,

the gravy you can slice.

Big thanks to Yvie, Gregor and Michelle

and your teams for letting us turn your houses absolutely

upside down in the hopes of landing a hoodie.

You've been a immense, it's been pretty remote

and we've all been quite funny.

Michelle, over to you!

Play the music.

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! Whoo-whoo!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

# Oh...yeah!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

Bye, Yvie, Michelle and Gregor!

Thank you so much for being on the show. I had a lot of fun,

-I hope you did too. ALL:

-Bye!

-Bye.

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! Whoo-whoo!

# Oh...yeah! #