Girltastic, Part 2 Sadie J

OK, so last time on Sadie J, me,

Sas and Dedes were going on a fabulous city break.

-Ready?

-Yeah. Case packed. Killer kitten heels on.

Sunnies sorted. This sassy little city break is going to rock.

Sadie, it's not a city break,

it's a geography field trip to Cheddar Gorge.

Whatevers. Moments later...

I arrive with some gorgeous news.

Forget Cheddar Gorge. This is Cheddar gorgeous.

OMG. Sadie's been short listed to appear in Girltastic's

Girl-a-licious tweenager of the month column. But how?

Moi. Now let's get her off that bus and back in here.

Tracey Gilmot, their star reporter,

-is visiting today to assess her suitability.

-Are you insane?

This trip is key stage three, the very foundation of our education.

Miss it and you mess up your academic career.

So, obviously, cos Sadie wasn't there, Steve had to do it.

-Hello. I'm Tracey Gilmot from Girltastic magazine.

-Come in.

-I'm here to see Sadie.

-That's me.

I'm her, well, for the day.

Didn't you get the message? I'm her dad, Steve.

-Steve Jenkins.

-Course.

How weird. I was at school with a Steve Jenkins.

Naturally, he messed up.

-You ruined my childhood!

-Really.

"Tin Grin Tracey" you called me on account of my brace.

Metal head, bumper mouth, grill face, train track.

I'm so sorry.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Don't be silly. It's in the past.

Oh, good. That's great.

Let's hope Sadie's not a chip off the old block.

-Then he didn't.

-The Gilmot? Gary Gilmot.

He was my best mate at school.

You're not the Steve I was in class with?

No. No, you were much older than me.

-I mean, you know?

-Sorry!

I just, you said, but I thought...

Oh! Mwah! Mwah!

I've got more than enough info here to make my decision.

Stevo.

And it was almost in the bag.

I told you, Sadie's going to owe me big time, this is in the bag.

Until he found out who Sadie's competition was.

I'm meeting her at the Y Diner.

Y Diner.

She's captain of the Cheerups.

-Cheerups.

-Whitney Landon.

-Whitney Landon. O.

-M.

-G?

-Yes.

And that's what you missed on Sadie J. I've always wanted to say that.

# Won't somebody tell me why

# I'm always surrounded by boys Give me a break

# They've got attitude, kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble

# Takes a girl to save the day

# To save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place

# To be someone to back me up

# So I always have the last word

# Guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boys' world Girl, girl, in a boys' world

# I know I'm stronger cos I got a positive attitude

# Understanding, kind and sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be the only girl

# In a boys' world. #

Ta-ta for now, Stevo.

Tracey. CHUCKLES

Right, OK, now, I'm going to go round the back and get the car.

You get the coats.

We must not let this Whitney scapper this one off Sas, OK.

Aargh! THUD

-Watch out for Danny's skate...

-Arrgh! Argh, arg!

-..board.

Oh, I think I've slipped a disc.

I think I might have slipped a leg. Ow.

Stop being so dramatic.

Come on. It's probably just a sprain.

-Agh!

-Ooh, oh!

My foot doesn't face that way.

I don't think anybody's does.

You've got to get me to the hospital.

We've got to get to the diner.

Sas will never forgive me if Whitney Landon wins this.

You can't leave me like this.

When have I ever left you in the lurch?

Boss, I've got something to tell you.

-I quit.

-No. We've already been through all this.

You can't quit.

You're the car whisperer.

-Your vehicles need you.

-That's just the thing.

Now that I've discovered my power, I have to share it with the world.

A superpower is a big responsibility, Steve.

You're hardly Spider-Man.

No, I'm the car whisperer.

You've made yourself a costume.

-It's got matching pants, I'll show you.

-No, mate, stop.

Wowee, you weren't even looking.

You could play blindfolded and still win.

Well, I don't like to brag, but yes, yes, I could.

Shall we shuttle our way out of here?

Toodle-loo, enjoy. I'll just run the business.

I don't need a date to have fun.

Me and my three best mates,

Boxey, Spanner and Donkey are going clubbing.

-MOBILE VIBRATES

-Make that just Donkey and Spanner.

-Spanner.

-Yeah.

That's his nickname. Really funny story as to how he got it.

No, I mean pass me the spanner.

You're better than him. Yes, you are.

# You know that I can use somebody

# Someone like you Wo-ho, wo-ho

# Wo-ho, wo-ho Wo-ho, wo-ho...

-I wasn't doing anything, boss, honest.

-That's the trouble.

Read it and weep, Steve.

That quarter of every pound is going to cost you, big time.

I figured the best way to bring people in was to go all cosmopolitan

and offer them a free cappuccino or a cuppa

while they're getting their car fixed.

Bill? What bill?

The bill for the work I've done on your car.

That was for free. It said so on the poster.

No, it doesn't. It says free tea and full service while you wait.

Excuse me. I'll just have a little chat with my mechanic. Keith!

I can't afford to grow up yet.

In fact,

I don't want to grow up yet.

Well, it's going to happen, all right.

One day you'll come in here and say to me,

"Steve, I've grown up, I want to get me spanner and hit the road."

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm here until I'm as old and grey and decrepit as you are, boss.

Thanks, Keith.

That makes me feel a lot better.

"Can't do Friday. Sorry, mate.

"Going to a gig now with Spanner."

That's just brilliant, isn't it?

Back to square one in less than one minute.

I tell you what, if you want, you can stay in with me Friday night.

You mean like not go out. Are you bonkers?

It's hardly the Porsche of social events, granted.

It's more like a comfortable Ford Focus but I always have a great time.

No way. I'd rather go clubbing with my mum.

Yeah. Well, your mum plays bingo on a Friday night.

I'll see if my nan's free.

Bit of advice for you, boss, never try and eat chips

whilst going downhill on a homemade go-kart,

if it's only got three wheels, when you're not wearing a helmet.

Call me when you change your mind.

-Right. Keep to the right.

-Right of where?

-Towards me.

-Towards you.

-Just steady, boss, all right.

-Yeah. This is heavy, come on.

-Try and go to the right, boss.

-Your right or my right?

-To my right.

-Watch it. This really is a two-man job.

Argh! Man down. Man down.

Two men down. Two men down.

-I've got two tickets to Endurance.

-That sounds like an energy drink.

What are you like? It's only THE hottest club in town.

Now get on your best clubbing gear, so I can check it out.

They're well fussy about the dress code.

So, what do you think?

I think we're staying in.

HE SOBS All right, all right, all right.

Yes, all right! All right. We've got to be quick, OK.

I mean, how much damage can Whitney do in half an hour anyway?

# Who is fitter than the rest?

# Who's girltastic? Who's the best? Give me a W

# Give me an H

# Give me a W-H-I-T-N-E-Y

# Go Whitney! #

That's why I, Whitney Landon,

am the one and only girl for Girltastic magazine.

So, what do you think?

It depends.

Are the rest of the Cheerups coming here for shakes?

And burgers, and banana splits.

Believe me, you're going to make big bucks.

In which case it was magnifico!

That was the best presentation

I have ever seen in my entire life, ever.

I wouldn't go quite that far.

But it was very thorough, and long.

-And...

-Yes?

Pink!

Thank you. Your kind words mean a lot to a humble girl like me.

So, when do I get in the mag?

Well, that's not been decided yet.

There is another girl still in the running, you see.

Who?

I'd rather not say.

SHE SNIFFS

I smell wet dog, polyester and diesel.

Sadie J.

-How did you do that?

-It's a Cheerup thing.

Now, not that I'd ever dream of telling you how to do your job,

but you seriously don't want to put that back in your magazine.

Why not?

THEY LAUGH

No, really, why not?

Oh, dear.

Where do I start?

Look, guys, I can explain.

You see, I really did want to come to the awards and the convention,

but they were on at the same time and that time was the same time

I got asked to the Cheerups partay.

BOTH: Cheerups partay?

They think I got potential.

As what, a pompom?

Look, the point is, I didn't want to let you down, OK?

I'm not a monster so I thought I'd come here, show my face

and then zip off to where I really want to be.

Pah! I'll make it up to them.

Not Brainiac Babcock, the human snore fest.

Hey, Theresa.

Is that a bow in your hair?

Technically, it's an Alice band. But you're right, it's hideous.

Well, ex-squeeze me, but I like living like this

-and looking like a young lady.

-HE SNORTS

Maybe you're the one with the problem.

Maybe you need to grow up,

get your head out of science books and get a life.

SHE GASPS

I don't want a life if it's as freaky as this!

THEY GASP

What? I feel left out.

Hey, Dedes.

'Are you in the hardware store?'

Of course I'm in the hardware store.

Yep, picking up those nine inch nails right now.

-Shhh!

-Oh, really.

And what about the spring balanced coils?

Let me check.

Not there, not there.

Got them.

-One sec, Dedes.

-SHE GASPS

I knew you were bunking off, that's why I went there myself.

Sas, we're on a deadline.

The Trembler Teapot T-2000 won't invent itself.

-More's the pity.

-I've done that for you.

How you going to get Theresa to the prom for me?

You bought that rubbish?

Gaga, I'm good.

Sadie, why did I ever trust you?

Oh, come on, Dedes.

My dad has more of a chance of being prom queen than her.

Babcock wouldn't fabulous if it went,

"Hey, I'm Fabulous McFabulous but my mates call me Fabby."

Theresa, wait. Unbelievable!

-Dedes!

-No, Sadie, I'm never doing anything for you ever again.

She'll get over it.

You really want this job, don't you?

And you know I'm lying about Miss V.

Tricky.

Oh, look, Miley Cyrus.

Stop!

I think I've heard quite enough.

-Thank you.

-You see, Sadie J's an absolute nightmare.

I wouldn't say nightmare,

but she can be a little bit of a schnoodle sometimes.

Oh, if you know Sadie, what's she like with you?

We get on like forest and fire, cabbage and cheese, sponge and Bob.

-Except when she's attacking you or your diner.

-What?

Check out my surprise face.

LAUGHTER

Oops.

Oh, yeah, Sassie J got the move.

-She got the groove. Oh!

-Oh!

-Oops.

-SHE GROWLS

Who ordered the chilli chilli cheeseburger with double bacon

-and a side order of beef?

-Me! Me! Me!

Miss Jenkins, chop, chop, chop!

A bit busy waitressing, Ms V, no time to chop things as well.

What are you? Animals?

You need to learn some manners.

You want it? Too late, losers. Mm-mm-mm.

THEY SCREAM

OK. Maybe I went a little bit too far.

That does not look good in pink polyester.

Sadie, my darling, you know I think of you as daughter,

but daughter who trashes my diner and loses me money

is no daughter of mine.

-With respect...

-I know, I'm fired.

I got it all worked out.

I know JLS. I prefer XZJ. They're huge.

SHE SINGS

Ow! Ow! Hot! Crazy! # Digga-do, digga-do! #

Ooh! Ow! XJS.

Two shackalacka shakes, please.

Now drink up.

Three, two, one.

-Oh!

-Urgh!

Oh, no! The Y has a cockroach infestation.

Now what on earth is the health inspector going to make of that?

He'll close the place down.

What health inspector? There is no health inspector here.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

The health inspector's on his way. Oh!

-Urgh!

-Oh!

Did you just eat those cockroaches?

What cockroaches?

There are no cockroaches here?

No, but there are rats.

THEY SHRIEK

-Oh!

-FIRE ALARM BLARES

SCREAMING

My hair! My hair! My hair!

Oops!

You're right. What was I thinking? Sadie J is crazy.

See, is that seriously the kind of loser

you want to put in Girltastic magazine?

-Stop!

-Ow!

-Sorry.

Stop. Stand up.

Don't listen to a word she says.

She's got it in for Sas.

I will thank you to keep your voice down in my establishment,

unless schnoodley-boodley, you want to order something.

No, I'm fine, thanks.

I've got something far more important to do.

I'm standing up for my daughter.

-The daughter I promised would be in that magazine.

-Steve.

-Not now.

Not just because she's my daughter,

-but because she deserves it.

-Steve.

If ever there was a more girltastic girl...

-Steve.

-What?

I've got nothing to hold on to.

Great. That's great.

Where was I, please?

You were just telling us what a nightmare your daughter is.

Yes. No. No.

My Sadie's a good girl, most of the time,

some of the time.

OK, on bank holidays, except last bank holiday where she had...

Forget... Anyway, she's an angel compared to you.

You're taking your dad to see JLS?

Yeah. Problem?

No problem, apart from embarrassing dad,

an embarrassing dad, and further more, embarrassing dad.

One ticket, please.

Your prom queen is in the house.

THEY LAUGH

Next.

Jenkins. A word?

Fantabilicious.

I just meant I want a word with you.

-Me?

-Some of the girls think that you've got social potential.

They want me to join the team?

-I didn't say that.

-Right, OK.

Vabush. I'll get a funky new outfit.

No! I mean, you look fine, just as you are.

Cheerleaders club, 6pm, don't be late.

Let's get this party started cos Sassie J is in the house.

"Chics and geeks."

What kind of partay is this?

Well, let's put it this way, an A-lister

brings along a D-lister so all the other A-listers can laugh at them.

LAUGHTER

Ouch.

Nooooo!

Trying to practice a routine here, in case you hadn't noticed.

What exactly is it that you want?

Liberty. Freedom.

Emancipation from an outdated notion of what fabulous really is.

The people have spoken.

The prom is not a democracy, it's a dictatorship and I'm the dictator.

I know you should never think ill of your fellow sister,

but, grrr! I hate that small-minded, dung breath, dung muppet.

SHE GASPS

That is so not true.

-It is, too.

-Is not.

Papa grease monkey.

Keith.

-Still on the floor, boss.

-Great.

Good.

Well, you're not all that, you know. There with your pompoms

and your pink polyester,

but there's more to being girltastic than just being girly girly.

-What?

-Oh, yes.

So you talk to the hubcap, sister, because the mechanic's not listening.

Listen to this.

-You wouldn't dare.

-You want to bet?

Ha!

THEY LAUGH

Is that all you got?

You wouldn't dare.

-You want to bet?

-Stop... Ah!

SHE SCREAMS

I've taken just about as much of this as I can!

And believe me, I've seen some things.

I judged Miss Teen Dream in heels for 12 hours straight!

I was at the Popsicle Pop Off

where I had to referee a corkscrew girl fight!

But nothing, NOTHING has prepared me for this!

-Well...

-Eh!

I've heard everything I need to hear from you, and you!

My decision is made.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have an article to write. Ah!

Ow.

-THUD

-Ow!

DOG BARKS

Dad. Dad.

So?

How was the field trip? All right?

The caves were amazing.

Almost as good as the midnight feast.

Theresa Babcock barfed all over Mr Michelson, twice.

And then we all got wet, the tent blew away and I wore our helmet,

so I've got hat hair - blah blah blah blah blah.

Who cares? Enough of the stalling.

I know about Girltastic magazine. What happened?

Look, Sas, you are always going to be my tweenager of the month, OK?

You don't have to win some silly competition to impress me.

You mean I didn't win.

Sorry.

I did try.

I just couldn't convince the reporter to put you in the magazine.

You did.

-Me?

-Oh, yeah.

What did Tracey write in the article again?

And I quote, "To be a girltastic tweenager,

"you don't have to be perfect and that's exactly what Sadie J is."

"Not perfect." Huh? "She's messy and outrageous,

"and silly and thoughtless and the original OMG girl."

And this is a good thing?

"But most of all she's real.

"And that's exactly why I wanted her in our magazine.

"Somebody who loves their friends, loves their family,

-"and loves life."

-DOG BARKS

Oh, and loves their dog.

What? I couldn't leave him out.

You made the front cover!

THEY SCREAM

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

ALL: Surprise!

Again, again, again, again, again!

Thank you. 221, take one, A and B, Mark.

I've got the mud for you...

THEY GIGGLE

I've got the mud for your mud mask.

-Me too.

-Mine's the muddiest.

Whatever. Mine's the muddiest bit of mud... Sorry.

I've got the mud for your mud mask.

-HE LAUGHS

-Sorry.

I've got the mud for your mud mask.

-Me too.

-Mine's the muddiest.

Whatevers. Mine's the muddiest bit of mud you'll ever see.

HE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS

Papa Nougat!

To be a criminal, you've got to act criminal.

It didn't come off!

But I also know JXZ. They're huge.

SHE SINGS

Two shackalack shakes.

Not so fast.

THEY LAUGH

I can't get it off!

And each claws are like a thousand scales,

so there's at least a thousand snails.

THEY LAUGH

I know, eh? It's just, you know.

It's all right for you to do it.

Try and do it with cameras on you,

and you've got a hat on and you're overweight.

How did your fabulous party go?

-It didn't, OK?

-How come?

Nothing to do with the fact that...

"All hell broke loose at The Y diner last night,

"after a security team were compromised at a p-p-p... Pah!"

THEY LAUGH

And Chloe said if I didn't have a faboush party...

SHE STUTTERS

Sorry.

Sorry!

I'm so sorry!

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry, I got the wrong line.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry...

Sorry!