Girltastic, Part 1 Sadie J

# I'm always surrounded by boys

# Give me a break

# They got attitude kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble

# Takes a girl to save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place

# Someone to back me up so I always have the last word

# Guess it's hard to be the only girl in a boys' world

# Girl, girl, in a boys' world

# I know I'm stronger cos I got a positive mental attitude

# Understanding, kind and sensitive

# I just don't want to be the only girl in a boys' world! #

Right, guys,

it's a tough job, but I know you can take on this challenge and win.

Three, two, one, go!

Time to go, cheeky boy, let's roll.

Cheeky boy?

# She's so lovely She's so lovely

# She's so lovely... #

Sorry.

Anyway, be good for Jake's mum, squirt.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Actually, scratch that.

Don't do anything I would do. Laterz.

-Ready?

-Yeah. Case packed, Killer kitten heels on.

Sunnies sorted. This sassy little city break is going to rock.

Sadie, it's not a city break, it's a geography field trip to Cheddar Gorge.

Dedes, don't you get it? When they say geography field trip they mean hip-hop happening in the hillside.

We're going to party 'till dawn, in our dorm.

It's a three-man tent.

Yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

Dedes, this is our chance to rock out amongst the rocks.

And you know I know how to rock.

Oh, I know.

WOOF!

# Sorry I cannot hear you I'm kind of busy

# Just a second

# It's my favourite song they're gonna play

# And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, ey

# You should have made some plans with me

# You know that I was free

# And now you won't stop calling me I'm kinda busy

# Stop calling, stop calling... #

It's my party!

I knew how I was going to get up here

but I haven't a clue how I'll get down!

How am I supposed to find Cheryl in this place?

I'll worry about that. Concentrate on your limp.

-This is a great limp.

-Other leg.

-Oh, yeah.

We're on. Follow my lead.

-Hi there. Wow, what a gorgeous uniform.

-Yeah.

-Took the job cos it matches my eyes. What do you want?

-Thanks for asking.

Where's the new children's ward?

-It's closed off, security.

-Because of Cheryl's visit?

-Can't say.

How can I see her?

Look at my poor brother.

He hasn't smiled since the terrible accident.

It would mean so much to him.

He hasn't got long.

I've got a street dance at five.

# Stop telephoning me... #

Yes! No.

Right, let's do some damage.

I've just had another accident.

S to the A to the D-I-E, that's me!

RIPPING SOUND

Oh, why does everything have to be...?

# If you want some drumsticks come on in

# Fries and sides and onion rings. #

All soft drinks included, no refills after 6pm. Yummy!

-Where is she? Where is she?

-Who?

-D'uh, Lady Gaga. Who do you think?

-Sas.

-D'uh, she's on the bus which is where we should be.

Forget Cheddar Gorge, this is Cheddar gorgeous.

OMG! Sadie's been shortlisted to appear in Girltastic Girlalicious Tweenager of the Month column.

But how?

Moi. Now let's get her off that bus and back in here.

-Tracey Gilmot, their star reporter is visiting today to assess her suitability.

-Are you insane?

This trip is key stage three, the very foundation of our education.

Miss it and you mess up your whole academic career.

That's a bit much, isn't it, Dede?

When have I ever been wrong?

Junior Mastermind try-outs, contestant 29.

And your name is...

Well, you see, it's Delia Paxter, Dede for short.

And your chosen...

And your chosen subject?

PARP!

The award-winning televisual sci-fi spectacle that is Cace Spargo.

I mean Space Fargo. Space Cargo!

Your time begins now.

Question one, what is the name of Captain Skylo's childhood chinchilla?

I er... know this one, I swear I do.

Biffy. Torneyhead. Daffy.

It's Muffy!

Incorrect.

-OK, fine. When have I ever been wrong about schoolwork?

-Never.

But we can't not tell Sadie that she's been shortlisted to be the girltastic tweenager of the month.

It's what she's always wanted.

You're telling me.

Go get her off that bus.

Oh, no you don't! Steve, this is key stage three we're talking about.

Fine, fine. She doesn't need to be here.

I will talk to the girlficious magazine for her.

-Perfect. Come on, let's go.

-It's girltastic magazine.

I think I know my own daughter well enough

to get her featured in some funky magazine.

Firstly, don't ever say funky again.

And secondly, who's Sadie's favourite pop star?

The Bieber, Gaga or the MooMoos.

Ah...

The MooMoos. The MooMoos, definitely.

Uh-uh. They don't even exist. You don't get it.

They don't just let anyone be their girlicious tweenager for the month.

BEEP BEEP! Oh, come on. They're waiting for us.

You have to be fabulicious, fierce and fashiontastic.

Martine came this close and bombed out cos she liked Michael Buble!

Get on the bus, have fun, I've got it covered.

I'm going to tell them that Sassie's a groovy, hip, cool character

blah blah blah blah!

You don't even know her!

I'm joking. Ish.

SCREAMS: I heard that!

Oi. These are for Tracey from that girly-wirly mag.

This Girltastic boss. What? I can't read Car Crazy all day.

No, no, of course not. I suppose you could,

let me think, I don't know, work?

-Mrs Babbington's Beatle's up there waiting to be fixed.

-I was bored.

It's a really simple job.

Why do you think I gave it to you?

You trying to say I can't handle complicated stuff?

Tell me Keith, what colour paint did I ask you to use on this car?

Was it sunset silver or sunset amber?

What's the difference?

I'm a bit of a bike expert myself as it happens.

Just a couple of fuses gone on this one, that's all.

Really?

First off, you f-f-find the fuse.

ARGH!

What have you done?

It's not as bad as it looks!

I only asked you change the oil!

I know, but cars hate me today.

It's like I'm cursed.

Every thing I touch goes bad...

See? I'm the world's worst mechanic.

No, that's not...

because cars hate you.

You've just got to be a bit more careful, mate, that's all.

That's a coincidence.

If I don't cut back on my workload soon it's all going to come to a...

It already has!

Mr Beaton's engine just blew up.

It's in pieces on the ceiling... Floor!

-I'll just get back to that Beetle.

-Good lad.

She's here. Right.

Cup of tea and a bourbon and that mag's as good as in the bag for our Sas.

Just flash the old drinking smile. Put on the old Jenkins charm. Hello.

Put on the old Jenkins aftershave unless she likes the smell of diesel.

FLY BUZZING

-Hello!

-Hello, I'm Tracey Gilmot from Girltastic magazine.

Oh, come in.

-I'm here to see Sadie.

-That's me.

I'm her, well, for the day.

Didn't you get the message? I'm her dad, Steve.

-Steve Jenkins.

-Of course.

How weird. I was at school with a Steve Jenkins.

Carson's Secondary.

-1970... Something.

-Bingo!

Sorry, I don't remember you.

I hated you. You teased me every day for six years.

-In fact, it's safe to say, you ruined my childhood.

-Really.

Tin Grin Tracey, you called me on account of my brace.

Metal head, bumper mouth, grillface,

-train track teeth.

-I'm so sorry.

Don't be silly. It's all in the past.

Oh, good. That's great.

Let's hope Sadie isn't a chip off the old block.

A Girltastic girl is never nasty to others.

-Now, you can call me old school.

-Not old school, you're just old.

-I'm not.

-Enough. I know about the surprise party, OK?

-You what?

-I busted Kit and Dedes cos they're so bad at keeping secrets.

So I fired them!

-Ta-dah!

-We got everything you asked for.

-So what do you think?

-You're fired.

But then Chloe said if I didn't have a vaboosch party

we'd all end up on a farm in Wales.

That's not an option with your hayfever and Keith's sheep phobia.

So now I'm organising my surprise party.

Check on my surprise face.

-But...

-It's going to be awesome.

VIPs only and fake paps.

What do you mean, VIPs and fake paps?

I don't like the sound of this.

I can understand you not wanting me and the bugster on board but ferrying your own friends?

Well, I had to. How else was I going to get from D-list to borderline A?

What's happened to you?

This is not the sort of party I want my daughter to have.

Fine. Then don't come.

In fact, you're banned from coming.

You know guys, you're as bad as my dad.

You can't seem to bear I'm going to get the birthday party I deserve.

Well, if you can't accept that, maybe you shouldn't come either.

SMASH!

Houston, we have a problem.

What are we doing here?

-Nothing. Say cheese.

-Cheese!

Oh, MG, you just broke the teapot

Dede and I made and when I say Dede and I, I mean Dede.

-Ta and indeed da.

-Your new buzzer.

Correct. No points for that answer.

There, that's what I think of your revision!

Intruder alert. Warning. Warning.

Alarm has been activated.

Intruder. Intruder.

Ow. Ow...

Oops.

I'd better hide this before Dede's finds it.

She's behind me, isn't she?

I'm over here.

Dedes, I can...

-I can explain.

-Don't bother!

It was Dede.

What? Why?

Off the top of my head you know what a perfectionist she is.

She said it would never be good enough to win Robo fight night

so she just, you know...

CRAZY DRUMS

Not good enough.

That rule book was brilliant.

Yeah. Trust me, I'm her BFF, right?

On the bright side, at least we get to go to the concert together.

-Give me a yay.

-Yay.

Oh, bless. He'll get over it. Close the door on your way out,

-I've got a concert outfit to plan.

-What?

-See ya!

Sadie couldn't be nasty if she tried.

She seems to give it a good go though.

And if I told you how fashionable she is...

Oh, yes.

She's obsessed with shopping and clothes and all things girly.

-How horribly superficial.

-Exactly.

What?

A Girltastic girl needs to love her countryside as much as her couture.

Things couldn't get much worse, could they?

Not really, no.

Boss!

Excuse me a moment.

What have you done?

Stay here. Do not say a word.

Do not speak.

Is it always this chaotic around here?

No!

I've bagged my first date. My first date! My first date!

Jo! You made it!

Yippee!

Sorry we're late. You know how I like to arrive

within a 30-second window of the allotted time.

Awesome!

So what'll it be?

Vampire Death Squad or Zombie Hitman?

-Er...

-Or we could play a game.

Footy? WWE?

I...don't really play football.

Shut up! Looking like that you could practically BE Beckham

but no worries - let's wrestle!

Not literally, of course, unless you want to.

-I warn you, my power slam is deadly. Shall I show you?

-No!

Actually, I think I'd better,

uh...go.

Really? So soon? What a shame.

-Hey, where'd he go?

-For counselling, I imagine.

Think that went quite well, didn't it?

I am so going to breeze this.

Hey, Jo-ster!

There was something I wanted to ask you.

-Can it wait? I'm meeting somebody at one.

-Not really, no.

Chillax! It's not even five past yet, look!

Oh, what a candy floss brain! Here, let me.

-Oh, I'm sorry!

-I'm going to get going.

No, but I haven't asked you yet!

It'll only take a tweenie weenie second.

Sorry, but I really do have to run!

But, but...

Have you seen Jo?

You know Jo?

Let us begin.

Hang on, Miss V. I just need to get my secret weapon.

Secret weapon?

Now this, I've got to see.

# Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

# Got my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city

# Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack

# Cos when I leave for the night I ain't coming back

# I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes

# Trying on all our clothes, clothes

# Boys blowing up our phones, phones

# Drop-topping, playing our favourite CDs

# Pulling up to the parties

# Trying to get a little bit tipsy

# Don't stop, make it... #.

Ta-da!

SCREAMS

I've gone into acne overdrive!

The zits have landed, I'm a pizza face pus monster!

That's it. The T-hex is going down!

No!

-Where's my T-hex?

-Where's mine?

Sas, you're acting like a loonbag!

Correction, you ARE a loonbag, what are you doing?

To be a criminal, you've got to act criminal. Now wreck something.

-But I just had these buffed!

-It's time to get your hands dirty.

Are you tough or are you Toughy McTough?

LAUGHS EVILLY

I'm a man on the edge.

Phew!

All done.

Me too.

But wait, we've only just started.

I think I've heard quite enough

about how out of control your daughter is.

-What have you said?

-Nothing.

Ignore him. Whatever he said, it's not true.

Please, you should see her with her brother.

Her brother.

-I expect a certain level of hygiene in my home.

-What does "hygiene" mean?

It means not wearing your socks so long

it begins to smell like a cheese factory in here.

No, no, no, wait, hang on. This is serious.

Me and Jake and trying to see who can wear their socks the longest

without chundering cos of the smell. Three weeks, five days,

four hours, 32 minutes and counting.

I look the liberty of washing and pressing

these naughty little puppies last night.

You...what?!

Now SHE'S good.

Look!

What is that stench?

Lavender and honeysuckle washing powder.

She's a monster!

The crowd go wild, it's a terrific goal...

I don't think so!

Can't you see we're studying here?

FARTING SOUND

# Oh when you know what it means

# You've found that special thing

# You're flying without wings. #

Very nice. Very nice.

Very nice. That was tremendacious.

-I take it that's what you'll be doing for the karaoke night.

-No way!

Janny don't do sloppy love songs.

-Janny?

-Our band name.

-It worked for Jedward.

-Jedward.

So why can't Janny be a boy band?

-Cos we're rockers.

-You do like rockers, don't you?

-I prefer boy bands.

-We'll do you a love song.

# I've been waiting

# For a girl like you

# To come into my life

# I've been waiting

# For a girl like you

# A love that will survive #.

Oh, pur-lease!

See, Sadie's not all that bad.

SHE SOBS

I'm sorry.

Just reminded me of my little brother, Gary.

He was the only one who was there for me during the

years of torture you put me through!

-You did what?

-Don't ask. It's a long story.

-The Gilmot was my rock.

-The Gilmot.

Gary Gilmot.

He was my best mate at school!

"7th June, 1978.

"Our English teacher, Mrs Babbington, has a mole on her chin so hairy

"that Gary told her she should stick a collar on it and call it Rover!"

All right, I thought you two were setting up tent.

-We want to finish your journal first. Gary is ace!

-Really?

-Yeah.

I can't believe he ate the whole boiled egg without chewing! Nutter!

Or that he shoved your toothbrush up his nose, then watched you use it.

That's exactly what I did to Jake!

What?

Well... When I say "exactly", I don't exactly mean "exactly".

Anyway, what happened to Gary?

I can't quite remember.

We were best mates one day, then we just sort of grew apart.

I guess these things just happen sometimes, eh?

We've been on "Goonlineandfindyourmates.com."

And we found your old mate, Gary Gilmot.

No way!

-Way!

-Turns out you don't have to lose touch if you don't want to.

You can still be best buds, even now, when you're ancient!

Oh, I don't know, we haven't seen each other for years.

I wouldn't even recognise him if he came in here and said,

"All right Stevo, how's it going?"

All right, Stevo, how's it going?

GARY LAUGHS

The Gilmot is back in town!

You are so going to get it!

Don't!

Ha ha(!) You got me.

-It's a sock!

-You're hilarious(!)

-That wasn't us.

But it was very funny!

THEY LAUGH

Unlucky, mate. Stevo and the Gilmot strikes again.

Stevo and the Gilmot?

-That's our names.

-Don't wear 'em out.

Oh, mate, you've got something there.

Made you look, made you stare, even though there's nothing there.

-What's going on?

-Nothing. They're just back to being best buds.

-Our work here is done.

-But hasn't the Gilmot got a job to go to?

Oh, yeah, get this. I run a garage too.

Ooh! But I've just taken a couple of weeks off

-to get reacquainted with Stevo here.

-He's going to help me out.

-Steve, you don't need help.

-From what I hear, he does.

Six-inch pipe wrench, anyone?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, so good. It deserves a hustle.

THEY SING "Do The Hustle"

Whizz bang, isn't it?

This is the life, eh, Stevo?

Back to nature.

-Couldn't be better.

-Well, I'm not enjoying it that much.

-Me neither.

-Pretty soon we'll be able to do this every night,

when Mr Motors, Metal Motors join forces.

Cheers.

You know, mate...

Why did we ever stop being mates?

Beats me.

HE FARTS

I...can't...breathe.

It's not that bad.

HE FARTS AGAIN

My eyes. My eyes!

It's all coming back to me now.

Smell-o-vision. That's why we split up.

You were notorious. Gusty Gilmot.

Floored the whole rugby team once after a vindaloo one night.

Every man for himself!

I can't see.

Because Gary's my younger brother, and besides,

he always hung out with, erm...

Stevo.

Little, little Stevie J.

-Stevie J. I've grown a bit, yeah.

-A bit(!)

-Shut it.

-So you're not the Steve Jenkins I was in class with!

-No!

-You were much older than me. I mean, you know...

-Oh, sweet! I just...

You said... And then I thought...

Oh! Mwah! Mwah!

-Sorry! Sorry!

-Don't I get one?

I think I've got more than enough info here to make my decision.

-Stevo!

-Oh, Tracey!

Oh, I told you Sadie's going to owe me big time. This is in the bag.

I tell you what, I'd better get going.

I've just got one last girl to interview.

She's going to have to be pretty ruthless to beat Sas.

She's well got the gig.

I'm meeting her at the Y diner.

Y diner?

She's captain of the Cheerups.

-Cheerups?

-Whitney Landon.

-Whitney Landon. O.

-M.

G?

Yes.

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