Kissalicious Sadie J

Sorry!

Sorry!

This better be worth it. I was in the bath when you called.

It is worth it. In fact, it's beyond worth it.

-Trog Face...

-Is...

Gone for ever! She quit.

No way! That's so fantastalistic, I have to bust a move.

Wait! It gets better.

Someone very close to you wants to replace her.

Who? You?

Danny? Jake? Keith? Dad? Roger...?

Me! Duh! I need the job cos I'm saving up to go to

the Fan-Fanatics Syfy Auction.

There's a sock of Captain Skylo's I simply have to have.

At the moment I can only afford the heel.

Erm...coolio. Anyway, the shakes are on you from now on, then.

So, Miss V, when does Dede start?

As soon as she can show me she can match my darling Chloe's charm,

beauty, finesse,

and her unbridled ability to make me moolah.

And how exactly is she supposed to show you that?

With a job interview, dummy! What did you think?

-An X Factor-style audition?

-That would be brilliant.

Picture it.

I'll be La Minogue, obviously.

Chantel can be Kelly Rowland

and we'll find someone incredibly dull to be the Barlow.

And Miss V can be...the Irish one.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-I tink this year

is going to be terrific, to be sure, to be sure.

OK. If it's good enough for Valsh, it's good enough for Vanda.

-I was joking, you muppet.

-Too late! Please let me do this!

My acting coach says I desperately need to work on my Australian accent.

I've missed out on Neighbours: The Musical twice now.

Fine. As long as I have new vaiter in time for the Y Not Bop.

I'm rushed off my feet as it is.

Deal!

For what it's worth, Deeds, you've got my vote.

I am 100% behind you, because you are my best mate and you deserve it.

And she can get me free fries.

OMG, he kissed me!

ROMANTIC MUSIC

-BOTH:

-Sorry, I...

-No, you go.

-After you.

I'm such a klutz sometimes.

No way, me too! He's my perfect guy.

Taylor. Taylor Bell.

Sadie. But you can call me Sass,

the Sasster, Sassy J, Jassy Sassy... What am I saying?

Jassy? I'm here for a waitering gig. Do you know if it's still going?

Oh. Yeah. The thing is, it's, um...

-totally going.

-Awesome! I could seriously use the cash.

There's a surfboard on CutTheCurl.com with my name on it.

He surfs? He's so cool!

I'll use it for a surf-a-thon for the puppy pound.

He likes puppies! He's so nice!

Don't worry, Taylor. Leave it with me. I will totally get you.

I mean, get you the job.

I mean, I practically run this place. Got a finger in every pie.

-Coming through.

-Not in that one.

# Won't somebody tell me why

# I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They got attitude, kind of cute

-# But when they're in trouble, takes a girl to save the day

-Save the day

-# I'd love another girl around the place

-To be her

# Someone to back me up so I always Have the last word

# Guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boy's world

# Girl, girl in a boy's world

# I know I'm stronger cos I got a positive mental attitude

# I'm understanding, kind of sensitive, don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be the only girl

# In a boy's world. #

HE WHISTLES

SNORING

Keith.

Oh! All right, Steve? Buddy, best boss in the world?

No! No, not really!

What are you doing?

I was just looking for the...

I was just about to do the, um...

Turning up for work early, obviously!

I love this job.

That's why I'll get here before you every day from now on.

Oh, and go to sleep?

On our invoices? Which Sadie hasn't sorted yet.

Chillax, boss. You say, "Go to sleep on our invoices,"

I say, "Horizontal paperwork." There's a difference.

Oops. Forgot Blankie.

MOUTHS: Blankie?

Yo, yo, yo, da Jakester is in da house!

-Stop!

-What?

Can't a boy at least try to sound a bit more street these days?

-No, not that! That!

-No!

-Yes!

-I don't believe it. You're finally tall enough

to go on the Ninja Warlord Death Ride at Babington Towers.

Yes, I've grown bigger! Just as we're about to start big school.

Check me and my bad self out!

OK, firstly,

stop with the street stuff.

And secondly, this doesn't make any sense.

We check that mark every week.

You can't have grown a whole inch in three days!

Unless... No, it can't be.

My mum made me eat porridge for breakfast this morning.

BOTH: Urgh!

But she did say it would help me grow into a big strong boy.

And, hey, it worked.

No fair! Why am I always the shortest one all the time?

I can't start secondary school like this.

They'll make mincemeat out of me!

That's it, Jakey-boy. You're going down!

Scratch that. I'm going up!

OK. Operation Make Taylor Love Me

By Making Him The New Trog Face is a-go-go!

I've got X Factor audience banners,

I've got T-shirts,

I even got him a pinny for his Boot Camp audition.

Nobody is going to be able to top this.

FANFARE

-Oh, my Lady Gaga.

-I know!

It's part of my campaign to ensure that I become the new Trog Face.

Oh, yeah. About that, Deeds...

I mean, are you sure you want to do that?

It's hardly the most rewarding of jobs.

Rude customers, greasy leftovers

and the boss from hell!

I'd say it's more suited to someone like, I don't know, Taylor Bell?

You mean the skateboarder you were staring at all morning?

He skates too! Just gets better and better.

Sadie! Just because you fancy him doesn't mean he deserves my job.

You don't understand, Deeds. I don't just fancy him.

This is serious. We had a moment.

Birds sang, sparks flew. It was like something out of the movies.

I was K-Stew, he was R-Patz.

We actually kissed.

You actually head-butted!

Sass, I've still got at least £20 to raise to secure that Skylo sock.

I need this job.

Seriously? A bright girl like you? You could have any job.

Miss V's job. Kit's job in Hot Weaves.

-Your job at the garage.

-Exactly!

-Then I'll take that one.

Just for a couple of days, until I make up the shortfall.

But you can't have my job! I need the cash!

I just forked out for all this...

It's a deal.

Cool. I'll go tell your dad.

Here's hoping this part of my plan goes a little smoother.

G'day!

Hey, Kit-Kat. Far be it from me to influence La Minogue

but don't you reckon Taylor would be perfect to replace Chloe?

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: I take it you want me to use me X Factor pull

to put Taylor in pole position?

Um, yeah. That's about the size of it.

Nice accent, by the way.

Thanks, it's my finest Dannii.

No can do, though. Sorry.

The Minogues are good girls.

They can never indulge in... AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: foul play,

-so neither can I.

-Fine! Whatevs!

Then I'll have to indulge in some foul play.

So, the thing is, as much as I love La Minogue,

AKA Kit, she's not even on The X Factor any more.

-Neither is Chezza.

-No?!

No, Chezza got dumped and Dannii got bumped.

-But Tulisa off N-Dubz...

-Who-Dubz?

-N-Dubz.

-Ah, with the Dippy-Dappy man!

-That's the one.

Do you seriously want to look bonkerlistically out of date

by having a Minogue in your line-up?

Who cares? As long as she picks me vaiter who makes me lots of moolah.

It's funny you should say that, Miss V.

And so, it gives me great pleasure

to introduce to you the newest addition to our X Factor panel,

-Ms Tulisa Contostavelpopolopolos.

-No!

I only did my exit!

Tulisa...

has been crucial in selecting our new Y Diner vaiter,

who is...

I can now reveal to you...

SHE CHUCKLES

..long pause!

Who is long pause?

Taylor Bell!

Taylor has vaitered on ten continents...

ALL: Ooh!

..in several avard-vinning restaurants...

ALL: Ooh!

..making an obscene amount of hard cash for his employers!

-MOUTHS:

-What?

Just go with it!

I'm sure that Taylor will be a magnificent success

at tonight's Y Not Bop,

for which there are still tickets available.

£4.99 per ticket, or £16.49 for two,

including the schnoodle roast.

No refunds, no returns, terms and conditions apply.

Oh, man, I do not know how to thank you.

CAR BRAKES SQUEAL

Please just tell me this is your friend.

An overly friendly friend.

Sadie, this is my girlfriend Ashlii.

With an I. No Y.

Actually, it's a double-I, which makes it more exotic.

Have you only got the one in Sadie? Oh, bless.

But... But we had a moment!

There were birds tweetering! No, twittering! Singing!

You saw it, didn't you? We're made for each other.

He's my perfect guy.

I think Sadie deserves a super-sized Shakalaka shake

-for helping you out, Tay-tay, don't you?

-I know.

But I...

But nothing. Just take the shake, then take a hike.

Taylor is totally off-limits to losers like you.

BTW, didn't you get the memo?

Fashion is supposed to improve your appearance.

OMLG! The poor guy is dating a monster!

I've got to get rid of her. Totally clueless how to, obvs.

-Here you go, Jassy.

-Thank you.

I hope you've got your dancing shoes on

for the Y Not Bop tonight!

Totally! I love to dance.

I live it. I'm practically pro.

Wonderful!

There will also be a prize for the best dancing duo.

Oh. Right.

Pity I haven't got a boyfriend who can move.

Not so clueless now!

I'm totally going to find Ashlii a boyfriend who can dance.

Go on, Danny boy. Do it for the big lads at the back of the class

who are going to tower over you if you're not tall enough.

You don't want them tripping over you.

Oi! What are you doing?

Eating that organic oaty muck

when we've got a cupboard full of Sugar Coated Space Blobs.

-"They turn your tongue purple and the milk green."

-Exactly.

Sorry, Dad. I have to do this if I want to walk tall

into the high school playground next week.

Nope. Not even a millimetre.

Looks like I'll have to start being mates with Liam Lankylegs.

No! This is all wrong!

I just got big in small school,

now I'm the smallest in big school!

Hey, relax. The best things come in small packages,

like this Choctastic variety pack, which you also made me buy.

-So get it down you.

-Are you crazy? This stuff won't make me grow.

That it, Jakey-boy. Bring out the big guns!

Toughy McTough's Extra-Strength Scottish Porridge Oats,

made with water.

Tastes so bad, I may have to eat it through my nose.

I'll get started in the garage, then, shall I?

Yeah, good luck. You get a bonus if you can sort out the mess in there.

You're on!

I can smell that Skylo sock already.

Never going to happen.

So your invoices go here, receipts go there, that box is for petty cash

and this little baby holds the key to your VAT.

Do I get the bonus?

-Too right!

-Yes! I can buy both socks now.

Keep this up, you'll soon have enough for a pair of tights.

Just one thing.

HE SNIFFS

-What's the smell?

-That's not me!

-Oh.

HE SNIFFS

HISSING

Keith!

Boss, it's not what do you think, all right?

I think you're cooking breakfast on Mrs Gilligan's engine.

-OK, it is what you think.

-Oh.

But I didn't want to disturb you in the kitchen,

cos, I mean, this is your house and I don't live here.

Um...I think you do.

Does he?

I mean, of course you do! You're living in the garage, aren't you?

No. What gave you that idea?

Um...your pants are drying on the air compressor.

OK, my mum's gone to Faliraki

cos she's fallen for this Greek bloke, Yanni,

and I'm meant to be staying with my nan

but I'd rather kip here cos she is totally off the rails.

How could an old lady be off the rails?

You haven't met my nan.

No, but I'm going to meet her.

Tonight, when she comes here to pick up you.

And your pants.

OK, before you mention one or both of the Minogue sisters -

for like the 50th time -

I've called to say I'm sorry and I want to make it up to you.

What would you say if I told you

I could get you an even bigger opportunity

to hone your Australian accent?

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-I'd say, I'm listening!

-OK, great.

-So we both know that Taylor is perfect for me.

-We don't know that.

Details!

Meaning I've got to get him and Ashlii to break up.

How are you going to do that?

-By finding Ashlii the man of her dreams, you!

-Moi?!

Are you a total bonkatron?!

Come on, it's simple. You see, Taylor can only do dad dancing.

But Ashlii lives to dance.

So if we can offer her someone with all of Taylor's plus points

and the twinkle toes of Justin Timberlake,

she'll fall head over heels in love with them instead.

-I hope.

-So what exactly do I get?

-The chance to play...

..a dancing Hugh Jackman.

I'm in.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Hey, guys.

I just love to bop at the Y Not Bop, don't you?

I mean, it's a bop at the Y. So why not bop?

-That's what couples are made for, isn't it?

-Er...I guess.

OMG! That Aussie surfer dude is amazing on the dance floor!

Anyone dancing with him is bound to win the dancing duo competition.

-Do you really think so?

-Mm-hm!

# The baddest of them all

# Yeah, it's gotta be the apple

# I'm the Mac Daddy, y'all

# Haters better step back... #

Hi, I'm Hugh but you can just call me the Jack-man.

OMG! He stole your girl!

Don't just stand there, get jiggy with it and jive on after them.

-But I can't dance.

-Never mind, I can't dance either. Look.

It's odd we have so much in common. Like fate's brought us together...

-Oof! What?!

-You're right, I've at least got to try.

Taylor! You're totally...!

# And I never felt this way before

# I swear... #

Amazing!

# And I owe it all to you

# Oh, I... #

You have got to be kidding me!

I'm sorry, Mr Bartleby,

there's absolutely no way we can service your Beemer.

Our repair pit doesn't meet EU regulations

for servicing foreign cars. Goodbye!

-Did you just turn business away?

-Illegal business.

And I filed your tax returns.

You owe quite a hefty sum, best pay it today.

-I don't believe it.

-You're welcome! Just keeping up the good work.

-Every bonus gets me closer to Skylo gloves.

-Thought they're socks?

-Yes.

But with the extra cash you're paying me,

I'm on course to buy the whole outfit.

Bye, Keith!

Oh, hi, Keith!

What are you doing hiding under there? Out!

-Hey.

-Where is he?

Where's my baby boy?

Aw! There he is!

Oh, mwah! Mwah!

Ow!

I was going out of my head with worry, thinking,

"Where's my Keithy gone?"

-I even got the search party out.

-Sounded more like a house party.

No, I only play N-Dubz just to cheer everybody up.

Well, no harm done, Mrs...?

Cocklethorpe. Nan Bet to me mates.

So you can call me Mrs Cocklethorpe.

SHE LAUGHS Oh-ho!

You must be Mr Jenkins. Lovely to meet you, darling.

Well, come on, then, sunshine,

grab your pants, I've got boxercise at seven. Hey-hey!

Oh, what a lovely motor!

Your nan goes to boxercise class?

No. She teaches it.

Please let me stay. You don't know what she's like to live with.

You couldn't last an hour with her.

-Nonsense.

-Half an hour.

I promise I'll go home and stay home if you can.

All right, you're on.

Uh, Nan Bets? Would you like to stay for a spot of tea?

Oh, that'd be stormin', Steve!

But I'll have to invite the bridge club in,

they're outside in the sunshine coach. Hey-hey!

Bridge club? Sunshine coach?

This is not a problem.

Hey, check it out. Ashlii and me won the dancing duo competition.

Ugh, yay(!)

It was close - that Hugh guy was totally going for Ashlii

but I showed him who's boss. Thanks to you!

-Don't mention it.

-Stop being modest.

If you hadn't made me dance, who knows what would have happened.

It's down to you me and Ashlii are still together.

How BAFTA-licious was I?

I think Hugh was my greatest acting accomplishment yet!

-Shut it!

-Did we manage to split up Taylor Dumdum and Ashlii Simpleton?

You what?!

Oh, em... Big mouth o'clock, got to fly!

Not cool, dude. I thought you were my friend. Ashlii's the one.

Yeah, the scary one. She's a monster!

You kidding?! She's the nicest girl ever.

She'd never say a bad word about anyone. Shame on you, Sass.

Oh!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Give me a whoop-whoop!

ALL: Whoop-whoop!

-They always this rowdy?

-This is chilled.

Oh! That must be Sadie!

She's the spit of her dad.

Here, Rene, ain't she the spit of her dad?

Gorgeous! Gorgeous, you are!

A big yo for the Sasster!

ALL: Whoo!

-Conga!

-Whoop!

Did I just get a shout-out from an OAP?

Please, tell me you want me, I need an excuse to get out of here.

-Good! Oi! Top acting!

-Ha-ha!

There, there. Good, crying.

Oh, hi, guys. I'm just clocking off now, Steve.

Before I go, I wanted to say that I've brought Mr Motors in-line

with the euro-wide legislation on transparency and ease of practice.

By using these bad boys to label!

Everything in the garage?

Tell me I don't deserve another bonus.

Wow.

-She's efficient.

-That's one word for her. All right, thanks for that.

You can go now, I only needed you to get me out of there.

Dad, I actually do need you.

What, haven't blown something up again, have you? Or stolen something?

Stolen something and blown it up?

SHE SNIFFS

Hey.

-I'm sorry, what's wrong?

-I've been totally stupid.

I thought I'd found my perfect guy

but he already had a girlfriend, but did I care? No!

I did a classic Sadie J and tried to break them up

cos I thought they weren't good together,

never mind what they think.

Now he's found out and everything's broken.

What am I going to do?

What we Jenkins always do when something's broken.

We fix it.

-Dad, people, not Peugeots.

-Oh, you'd be surprised.

Now and again we all need a full tank. And some TLC.

Eh?

Any change? I guess this is it, then. Nice knowing you, short stuff.

-Stop!

-Sorry, that was uncalled for.

I'm getting some practice in for big school tomorrow.

No, no! I meant stop right there!

-You've shrunk!

-No, I haven't.

I'm tall, I'm Jake "The Stretch" Healy. That's my new nickname.

Not any more! It must have been something you ate!

Think, what did you do differently today?

Nothing, I got up, had porridge, changed my socks,

even though I didn't want to,

cos they were new, warm and fuzzy and about this thick.

How thick?

You know what this means, don't you?

You're going to make mincemeat out of me

for making you eat all that porridge?

No, we get to stay mates! See you in secondary school, Jakey-boy!

Ahem! Can I have your attention, please?

I've...come to a decision.

You see, Keith, since all this business with your nan

and sleeping on the garage floor

and wrecking Mrs Gilligan's Corsa with your fry-up...

Well, the thing is... I think I'm going to have to...

Can I just interject there, please?

Getting rid of Keith might be a little more tricky than that.

He's been employed here too long to simply be fired.

You must give grounds for dismissal,

which could end up in a costly local government tribunal.

That wasn't what I was going to say but since we're on that track,

what if someone's only been employed for a short time, only a few days,

somebody like, I don't know, like you?

In that case, you could argue it was a trial period

and go for immediate sacking.

Great. Well, in that case, Dede, with respect, you're fired.

Sorry, you're just too good at your job. You're costing me a fortune!

But what about the Fan-Fanatics Syfy Auction?

I'd have thought with all your bonuses

you'd have enough to buy a Captain Skylo boutique by now.

-Sorry, eh?

-I'll just get my coat.

Maybe I can get the Skylo's coat!

What was you going to tell me, boss?

I can't believe it! My baby boy growing up and moving out!

You're a man now, Keith. A proper, grown man.

Here's your blankie!

Thanks for allowing him to stay, Steve. So kind.

You remind me of Keith's dad.

Only less hair, more teeth.

Yeah, cheers.

Mwah, mwah! I can't stay, darling, I'm bungee jumping at two o'clock.

Ciao, boys!

Why did you change your mind?

Because, with no offence, your nan is totally off the rails.

I wouldn't wish her on anyone.

-Welcome home, lad.

-Thanks, boss.

Wash your hands.

Der ve go, one deluxe Shakalaka Sherry Shake,

which should be served to you by Taylor,

the award-winning vaiter you found me.

Which awards did he vin, I vonder?

De Latest Vaiter In The Vorld, perhaps? De Laziest Vaiter?

De Lousiest Vaiter?

Er...yeah, I've got to go. Thanks!

-Ah, merci, Sass.

-You shouldn't have!

It's OK, I didn't.

-Who's it for?

-Where's the surfboard sale?

-Bagsy the boogie-woogie board.

-Where are the sales?

-Bagsy the kitten claws.

-Ah, yeah.

I might have told a teeny, weenie white lie about that stuff.

No surprise there, then!

But now you're here, I wanted to say I was an idiot

for trying to mess things up between you

and I hope this very expensive Sherry Shake will make up for it.

-What you did was totally whack, dude.

-Beyond whack!

Like at the back of whack and 20 miles south!

I know and I'm really sorry. I'll never come between you again. Truce?

-Cool with me.

-Ugh, fine!

-I'll grab us a booth.

Ashlii, I wanted to say that I'm genuinely sorry.

I had no idea that you two were soul mates, that he was, "the one".

That's cos he's not! Duh!

He's just the cutest boy in town,

which means he looks brilliant on my arm.

Kind of like my favourite handbag! See ya!

-Oh.

-My.

-Gaga! He's just her favourite bag but he's my perfect guy!

Right, that's it.

The battle for Taylor Bell... is back on!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

-And stay out! Schnoodle brain!

-She fired you?

Yeah, turns out waiting tables is way harder than riding waves.

I just didn't cut the mustard. Or the lemons. Or the gherkins.

Oh, unlucky. So who's the new Trog Face?

That would be me!

But I... Trog... You... When... How?

Now this little one knows how to make moolah!

In fact, she's the closest thing to Chloe I've ever met.

Just excuse me one second.

No-o-o!