Tofutastic Sadie J

-Sign here and here.

-Sorry!

OK, what's the emergency? I got here as soon as I could.

-Hence the mismatching sneakers.

-And tights and scarf and bangles.

-I need to go home!

-Your lack of ability to accessorise

is nowhere near as important as this.

-It's vegetarian day?

-Is that even real?

-Of course it is.

I called you here to help me with my petition.

Ms V is refusing to put a veggie dish on the menu.

-Care to sign up?

-One sec.

Has nobody told you that this is a Kitty Kat special seat?

Well, it is, and it takes a certain degree of fabuliciousness to fill it.

I.e. moi.

Now, S to the C to the A-R-M.

Scram.

Anyway, we were discussing Sadie's fashion faux pas...s.

We were discussing the need to get a vegetarian dish on the menu.

Oh, look, it's two of the o'clock, I'll get our lunch orders in.

Meat feasts all round?

Look, Dedes, I love you and all,

but there's only you, Babcock

and that weird cat lady from the vegetarian book shop

who cares about this stuff.

-Hey, Dedes.

-# When love takes over. #

I hear you're campaigning for a veggie dish on the menu.

Where do I sign up?

-You're a vegetarian?

-For ethical, nutritional or political reasons?

All of those. Plus I really like tofu.

So the first person to get a tofu tamale on the menu

is being taken by lunch by me.

-For real?

-Yuh-huh.

-Oh, my Gaga.

More tofu tamale?

SHE GIGGLES

SHE SNORTS

Oops.

This is outrageous, Ms V.

As a vegetarian, non-meat-eating, beef-free tofu-lover myself,

I can not believe you treat us this badly.

-You're not...

-Bun it. This is my ticket to the T-zone.

Ven vill you potato fiends get it into your thick schnoodles?

-Vegetable dishes do not make moolah.

-Are you kidding?

-You've got three diners here just gagging for green.

-Exactly. Three.

Who likes bacon double buffalo burgers?

ALL: Me!

Well, I guess that's it, then.

It's a shame, I was really looking forward to that lunch.

Don't be bonkalicious, we can fight this, Taylor. Our shared love...

of tofu...will keep us going.

One triple meat feast buffalo burger for Sadie J.

-How dare you? I didn't order that.

-I know, Kit did.

He said it was your favourite.

Don't be ridonkulous, I'm a vegetarian,

like my new tofu buddy here.

-Whatevs, you're a total carnival.

-CarnivORE.

What she said.

Come away from the delusionoid, there's a good boy.

Don't worry, dude,

if it's the last thing I do, I will have lunch with you.

I mean, a veggie lunch with you,

once I've got a veggie dish on the menu, obvs, cos I'm a veggie.

# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys

# Give me a break

# They got attitude, kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble Takes a girl to save the day

# To save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place

# To be her

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# Guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boy's world

# Girl, girl in a boy's world

# I know I'm stronger cos I've got a positive mental attitude

# I'm understanding, kind of sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be the only girl

# In a boy's world. #

-Guess what?

-What?

-What's that old banger still doing here?

-I have to guess that?

-No, just tell me what it's still doing here.

-I don't get this game.

-No, it's not a game.

I have just landed us a contract to do the whole fleet of Karlov's cabs.

They're arriving first thing

and this old banger should have been out of here by now.

-Done by who?

-By you!

Please don't tell me

they're the invoices I asked you to post this morning.

When did you ask me that?

After I asked you to clear your breakfast things away.

All right, don't blow your bald patch.

I know I'm disorganised and unreliable

and all over the place and feel free to stop me at any time, here.

But I'm going to change, I swear.

You better had. I tell you, this is the a big job for us.

Mess it up and they won't use us again.

-We've got to be on top of our game.

-I am on top.

-I'm over the top, in fact. I'm on it, boss.

-All right.

What exactly was it you asked me to do, again?

-Ready to open this school report?

-Too right.

These things are the best laugh we have all year.

You're so right.

Remember last year when Miss Dunthorpe says I was,

"More keen on telling fart jokes than learning French."

PARP

Mine was way funnier. "Jake's sleeping in class was bad enough,

"but his train-like snoring takes it to another level."

Hugggh-hugggh.

Three, two, one. Let the comedy commence.

Oh, yes, my "irreverent burping is disturbing the other students."

HE BELCHES

This is a disaster!

Old Dunthorpe says I've "improved enormously".

I'm "on track to finish the year as an A-star student".

She wants me to enrol in the academic after-school club.

Three hours a day, five days a week.

Er, it's OK, mate, we can play Ninja Warlords when you get back.

For two minutes before bedtime. My social life is officially over.

Once my dad sees this, he's bound to make me go to those classes.

Well...

your dad doesn't HAVE to see it.

Jakey-boy, you're a genius.

No! Stop that dog!

OK, who's last season bucket bag is crowding my couch?

Ex-squeeze me?

That little carry-on is a classic, hence it needs sofa space.

-You clearly know nada about fashion, miss.

-Rebekker, double K, no A.

Well, Miss Double-K-No-A,

has nobody told you that this is a Kitty Kat special seat?

Well, it is. And it takes a certain degree of fabuliciousness to fill it.

I.e. moi.

We'll see about that, you sour-faced swamp mouth.

I mean, nothing. That is clearly a classic, defo deserves sofa space.

-Enjoy my seat, bucket bag.

-Have you seen Sadie?

I can't believe she'd hijack a serious campaign to impress a boy.

I won't work. As president of the local vegetarian club,

I have tried EVERYTHING to get a veggie dish on the menu.

She's not going to wreck our cause and reputation

with any more of her inappropriate, stupid schemes.

Did even you breathe then?

Dedes, I'm sure Sass is going to do nothing

to damage your cause or the club's reputation.

# You won't get no dessert till you clean off your plate

# So, eat it

#Don't you tell me you're full

# Just eat it Eat it

# Eat it Eat it.#

OK, I know what you're thinking.

How is dancing whilst dressed as a vegetable going to get

Taylor his veggie dish and make him take me for lunch?

Cos I'm the mascot for the veggie-tastic protest, duh.

-What do we want?

-Vegetables!

-When do we want them?

-Now!

-How do we want them?

-Fried.

-Boiled.

-Grilled.

We've still got teething problems.

OK, the costume is debatable but the turnout is well impressive.

Talk about people power.

Where'd you find these bean-burger-loving bongo-bashers?

-Um.

-Hang on, isn't that Colin Tives from the vegetarian book shop?

That's Mrs Higgins from my wool spinning class.

Ah! You didn't?

I did. Thanks, your contacts list is bursting with bongo-bashers.

How did you convince them to come?

With supreme social networking, duh. And free radishes.

Ms V, I demand you put a vegetarian dish on The Diner menu.

I demand that Marvin from JLS return my calls,

we can't alvays get what ve vant.

I can. The people have spoken

and these 100 veggies have the right to be fed, right?

-ALL:

-Yes!

-100?

-Haven't you seen the crowd outside?

KER-CHING!

In that case, tofu tamales for everybody.

Yay!

4.99 a tamale, no refund, no return and no taste.

-I'm taking somebody to lunch.

-Over my dead body.

I'd prefer a table, but if you insist.

Oh, GM-free, you actually did it, this is massive.

Who cares? Taylor's taking me to lunch.

Don't you understand? You're a serious voice for change.

You have to keep this up.

-Like that's ever going to happen.

-Sadie!

-W-What's going on? I just...

-Sadie! Sadie!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but as head of the vegetarian club,

I'd like to appoint you as our new spokesperson.

But I like meat. Chicken, pork, bacon - the meatier the better!

Nobody has to know you don't believe in the cause.

You're making a difference.

I'm sorry but there is no way I could keep this up.

Way to go, fighting for our rights. I am taking you to dinner.

So, what are you going to get? Tofu teriyaki? Tofu tagliatelle?

Tofu Taylor.

I mean tortilla, obvs.

Fellow vegetarians, your new spokesperson is in da house.

And she won't rest until there's a veggie dish in every cafe in town.

-She's veggie-licious.

-Tofu-tastic.

-Dead-meat-a-mundo.

ALL: Sadie! Sadie! Sadie!

-Sadie! Sadie! Sadie!

-Whoa.

-Arrrgh!

CRASH

-What's that you say, boss? I'm on time for once.

-Actually, I didn't...

The dishes are done. And the invoices are posted.

"Keith, you are organised today."

-You having a break-down?

-Yup.

A time break-down. Check it out.

I've got the on-time work organiser app on my phone.

I put everything I need to do in there

and then it keeps reminding me until I do it.

Genius. Right, get me a spanner.

-Get Steve a...

-No, no, just, just do it.

I've got Karlov's cabs coming and we've got to get this sorted.

Chillax, boss, I done it yesterday.

But today, there's a strange, ticking noise coming from it.

Can you hear it?

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK.

-So what?

-So, Mr Vellenti's a right, old fuss-pot.

We can't give him this back with a strange noise.

Maybe it's time to get Mr Vellenti some earplugs then.

-Spanner.

-I was only kidding.

-Wheel nuts.

-I was.

No, perhaps the noise is coming from the wheel nuts. Out of the way.

Do you hear it?

Here's the deal, I did something I'm not proud of,

but I didn't do it cos I wanted to,

I did it cos I didn't know what I was doing.

You're making as much sense as I usually do.

I may have accidentally been mean to someone in The Diner.

You sour-faced, swamp mouth.

-That I'd never, ever, ever normally be mean to.

-Gaga was in The Diner?

No!

Sass, what's your plan for getting a veggie dish

into every cafe in town?

Oh, yeah, about that, um.

Ex-squeeze me, here first.

I hear the veggie gang are your biggest fans.

Sadie! Sadie!

Oh, yeah, it's, er, brilliant, isn't it?

Will someone please give me some advice on what to do

when you've been mean to someone you didn't mean to be mean to.

-Just say sorry, duh.

-Are you Dede-mented?

That's ridiculous, I couldn't possibly do that.

If I did, then they'd know I was being mean. Get me?

No, you lost me at Dede-mented.

Look, Kit, all you need to do is cosy up to them

and be bonkaliciously nice.

They'll forget anything bad you've ever done.

-And that actually works?

-Yuh-huh, all the time with De...

With...?

WRAPPER CRACKLES

Sorry, guys, it's really bad reception here,

I'll call you back later when I've got a...

Them Karlov cabs are here, boss. And my on-time app says... Boss?

-Yeah, in here.

-In where?

Here, here.

You sure you want to be doing this right now?

It'll take me two secs to put it back together.

Ish.

Now, as Bear Grylls says, the best way to catch your prey

is to mount a surprise attack on their nest.

that way, the prey will feel calm and settled

and have their guard down.

How exactly can a school report have its guard down?

No, I was talking about Rodge.

Arrgh!

# One way or another

# I'm gonna find ya

# I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha

# One way or another

# I'm gonna win ya

# I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha

# One way or another

# I'm gonna see ya... #

-This is it, Jakey-boy. He's got nowhere else to go.

-Bag that dog!

-Got him.

-Grr, grr.

Boss, them taxis are going nuts out there.

I thought I was supposed to be the disorganised one.

-What have you done?!

-Shh.

-I can still hear the ticking noise.

-So what?

So I am a master mechanic, Keith. It's what I do. It's what I am.

I've spent, already, five hours on this old banger

and I will spend another 15 hours if I have to.

Because if I can't sort this problem,

then I have no business being in the business I'm in.

Your business is going to go bust if you don't sort it fast, buster.

My organiser app says we've got three minutes per taxi

every three minutes.

-And we're already behind.

-By how much?

-Three minutes.

-That's nothing.

Sorry, three hours.

Shh.

I don't understand, Jakey-boy. We've tried everything.

He hasn't let go of it all night.

Right, one last go.

Any luck?

Not a sausage.

-No!

-Way!

-Don't take any more chances.

If you don't want to be stuck in those after-school academic classes,

-you have to destroy this, right now.

-Agreed.

Awesome. Absolutely nothing left except for a few scraps of paper.

"A copy of this report will be emailed to your parent or guardian."

Hey, Rebbeker, nice scarf, there, so in-trend right now.

No, they're not, I just didn't have time to dry my hair.

Speaking of which, your bangs bang.

Can I get you a shake? Maybe we could hang out.

Oh, sorry, this sour-faced swamp mouth

-has got better things to do.

-Someone's had a change of heart.

I heard how you vhipped her with the viper's tongue yesterday.

You kidding? I love that little madam.

-You're feeling guilty about the vheels.

-Ah!

How dare you?! How do you dare?

For your information, I'm a keen supporter of all disabled divas.

-Is there anyone behind me?

-What? No, nobody.

-Phew.

I've managed to shake off those crazy veggies.

They followed me through a vegetable patch.

Do they have no sense of irony?

-I thought there were your knew BFFs.

-Don't be ridonkulous.

Order me a meat feast burger with pig fat fries, I'm starved.

Didn't you promise Taylor and the rest of them

that you'd get a veggie dish in every restaurant?

Yuh-huh, that's why I'm keeping a low profile, duh.

As soon as I've had my romantic meal with Taylor...

he'll fall head-over-heels in love with me...

and forget I said any of that stuff. They all will.

It'll blow over.

Yesterday's news is today's fish and chip shop.

Or, whatever.

There she is, that's Tofu Girl.

She's the biggest thing to happen to our vegetarian club.

since Gwyneth Paltrow sent us her leek and pumpkin pie recipe.

-What's going on?

-This is Mary-Anne Matterson, she's a journalist.

-I work for the Gazette.

-No way, I'm mad for the horoscopes.

-Ashlii called the paper to tell them about you.

-I bet.

It was the least I could do.

I know how crazy you've always been for this veggie guff.

In fact, I told her you only eat tofu.

# When love takes over

# Yeah

# You know you can't deny. #

-Can I get an exclusive on that?

-Um...

Boss. It looks like a bomb's dropped in here.

Yeah. Well, that's what happens

when you realise you're not the man you thought you were.

This even part of a car?

Admitting failure is hard enough but admitting failure

in your specialist area is...

-Insane.

-Exactly.

It's bad enough that Mr Karlov has taken his cabs to Metal Motors

or that Mr Vellenti will be here any second now for his car

which, plainly, doesn't even exist anymore.

But worse than that, much, much worse than that is the fact that

I still haven't sorted out this darn tick, tick, ticking noise yet.

Don't worry, Steve, I'll help you.

-Sort out ticking...

-Enough with that app already! Just turn it off.

All right, all right.

SILENCE

Stop.

-Do you hear that?

-No.

-Exactly.

It stopped.

-What did you just do?

-Turned off the on-time ticker app.

"On-time ticker app"?

It's called that because it keeps track of time by ticking.

Please. Not my face, anywhere but my beautiful face.

What I've got in mind for you is far, far worse than that.

Danny?

Danny?

All right, Jakey-boy. Um, I mean, hello, Jake. How are you today?

Dumbstruck. That's what I am. Now, what's going on, you melon-head?

-Nothing. Just getting my nerd groove on.

-"Nerd groove"?

All right, I won't lie to you.

Putting on this cardigan and these glasses was tough,

-but if that's my fate, so be it.

-By why is it your fate?

Cos I'm about to join the ranks

of the academic after-school classes, that's why.

I need to look the part.

Ow! These nerds are tougher than you think.

If you still want to get out of those classes,

get rid of the email report. Just like the paper one.

Yeah but that's...genius!

In fact, I could kiss you right now.

But I won't.

-You are joking?

-I never joke when it comes to business.

You made me take it apart, sunshine. You can put it back together.

# I've been driving in my car

# It's not quite a Jaguar... #

Ta-da! Back together again.

In the shape of a car, you muppet.

Worth a try.

# It was made in '59

# In a factory by the Tyne

# It says Morris on the door... #

-Not bad, eh?

-Voice-activated, is it?

Oh, man!

-That's only one little thing missing, ain't it?

-Not quite.

Wakey, wakey.

Read it and weep.

-I don't believe it.

-Believe it.

This little baby is ready to roll again.

Ish.

-Laptop.

-Check.

-Full battery.

-Check.

-Wi-Fi.

-Check.

-Mighty Motor's website on screen.

-Check.

-Go for it, Jakester.

Er, what's your dad's password?

May I just say, I'm Tofu Girl's closest BFF

and I have always encouraged her to be a librarian.

-Come again?

-Vegetarian, you dufus.

-And that.

W-where is Sadie, anyway?

I knew it. You're about as vegetarian as Ms V's wolfhound.

Wolfgang likes vegetables, actually.

Don't worry, your secret's safe with me, Jenkster.

Not.

Try "spanner".

BUZZ

Nah.

-"Tyre".

-BUZZ

-"Crankshaft"!

-No need to get uppity.

-No, I meant, try "crankshaft".

BUZZ

Look, that report is already in his inbox.

-In fact, it's as good as in his glove box.

-Try "glove box".

BEEP Woo-hoo, we're in!

That was so good, it deserves the robot.

After we've deleted my school report.

But I-I don't get it.

It says that your "irreverent burping is disturbing the other students."

-That's exactly the same as...

-MY report.

-Which means we must have got the paper ones...

-..mixed up!

PHONE BEEPS

"Well done, son.

"I can't believe my little Jake-in-the-box is such a brainiac.

"Love, Dad."

Better start brushing up for those academic after-school classes,

-Jakey-boy.

-NOOOO!

# These roses are... #

-Hey, watch it.

-Make way, we have a lady on wheels coming through.

-What are you doing?

-Just making things a little bit easier for you.

-A special girl deserves special treatment.

-That's the problem.

-What?

-I'm NOT special.

When we first faced-off, you were giving it all of that.

But when you saw my chair, you started being all nice.

Don't be thinking I'm too physically-challenged

to be challenged, boyfriend.

-So, you want me to hate on you?

-Well, if I deserve it, yuh-huh.

Well said. Dummkopf.

OK, deal.

Move your boney butt so I can put my banging Bolero down.

Don't think so, girlfriend.

Here first. BTW, Boleros never came in to go out.

In fact, the only thing banging about them are the beads.

-Read it and weep, Jenkster.

-I am weeping, look!

Please don't tell my veggie followers. They'll be crushed.

-I was never going to tell your "followers".

-Seriously?

Maybe she's not such a moosehead after all?

I'm going to tell this journalist instead

then SHE can tell your followers.

Isn't it awful when the media build you up to tear you down?

-They can be so fickle.

-There you are.

The world is waiting for a few words of wisdom from Tofu Girl.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Well, I wouldn't say the world.

OK, the whole town is waiting for a few words of wisdom from Tofu Girl.

Actually, we only sell to around a third of the town.

We get it, not many people are going to read this.

The folks who are need to hear your empowering voice

on the necessity of meat-free food.

-Um, OK.

-Don't listen to her. I have photographic evidence. It's...

-..a lie, I'm not a vegetarian!

-THEY ALL GASP

I wouldn't even know one if it came up to me and was like,

"Hey, I'm Veggie the vegetable and I'm a vegetarian."

-I love bacon!

-Oooh.

-And burgers!

-Aah.

And onion rings...

-on a big, fat, juicy steak.

-Aah.

I only said I was a veggie so I could impress someone.

I meant everyone.

But whilst I was lying and cheating,

pulling the organic wool over people's eyes, it hit me,

why isn't there a veggie dish on the menu?

We all deserve to be catered for.

-Here, here.

-Thanks, Dedes.

I may not be one of you but I really do believe in your cause.

And if you still want me, I'll happily be your meat-eating,

but pro-veggie, Tofu Girl.

Boo!

-I'll take that as a no.

-You got egg on your face, Sass.

I know, I'm such an idiot.

No, you've literally got egg on your face. It's right there.

-Oh. Thanks.

-And I don't think you're an idiot. I sure that someone

thinks that you did a really cool thing. That you're a nice girl.

# Feels like I've waited so long for this. #

Tay-tay, it's time to go-go. Ta-ta.

-Well, that wasn't a total car crash, thankfully.

-Are you kidding?

He called me nice! Nobody wants to be called nice.

And he never even mentioned lunch or dinner. But we had a deal.

I want that tofu tamale. Oh!

CRASH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

These tofu tamales are, like, seriously good, aren't they?

In fact, I love them almost as much as I love you!

BOTH: Right back at ya!

THEY ALL LAUGH