Gagalicious Sadie J

.

OK, guys, I seriously need some BFF TLC

cos day has finally ar... PHONE BEEPS

Oh, be a poppet and pop in my pocket, I'm Pinging.

-Check his text.

-Oh.

"Hey, Kit, got rugby training near you this weekend, fancy hooking up?

-"Cousin Io-lo."

-Say what?

-Ain't nothing to see here.

-Your cousin plays rugby?

-Iolo, is that a real name?

-Who cares? Can we move on?

-Better than real, it's Welsh.

And the Welsh rugby players are fantasta-listically awesome.

Ah, Mike Phillips, Shane Williams, Gavin Henson, Jamie Roberts.

-How do you know all their names?

-Because I'm Welsh.

No, you're not.

Yeah, well, Dad which makes me half Welsh. The better half.

-Know what this means?

-You're finally going to listen.

-You're going to polish my pinkies.

-Uh-uh.

Kit's going to invite his cousin Iolo and introduce moi to him.

I need somebody to take my mind off Taylor.

And Iolo is the one to do it.

-No way, never going to happen, ever.

-Why not?

Because the thing is, well, what is the thing? It's this!

Iolo is so boring, yes, incredibly dull.

They call him Z-head back in Wales

cos he puts everybody to sleep.

See, I'm even going now. There is no way I'm inviting him here.

I'm not even going to text him back.

-Urgh, gutted.

-I know, sorry.

And I'd have loved you to love him but that's a total no-go.

Oh, unlucky o'clock, got to fly.

Kit, you forgot your...

Oh, my Gaga, have you seen this picture of Iolo?

He's totally bebelicious.

-Sadie, focus on me. I need your...

-Who he cares if he's boring?

"Sounds cool, Iolo, let's hook up ASAP."

Smiley face, smiley face, exclamation mark, smiley face.

-What are you doing?

-You're right, too many smiley faces.

-Sadie, I really need your help.

-I'm sorry, Dedes,

cos I need to get shizza-fabulous for my cute Celt.

I'm so going to blind him with my beauty, style and grace.

# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys

# Give me a break

# They got attitude, kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble, takes a girl to save the day Save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place To be her

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# Guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boy's world

# Girl, girl in a boy's world

# I know I'm stronger cos I got a positive mental attitude

# I'm understanding, kind of sensitive Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be the only girl

-# In a boy's world.

-#

Come on, out with it.

What? I'm stressed. Today is the actual day.

-That you're having your braces removed.

-How did you guess?

The whiff of unbridled fear emanating from your pores.

-The twinkle of terror in your eye.

-Wow, you're good.

And also, you have the dental appointment card in your pocket.

Ah, right.

I'm feeling totally sick about it, Miss V, what if they look hideous?

Like donkey teeth. This metal is who I am.

-It gives me something to hide behind.

-Zip it.

You won't believe this but before I was beautiful swan,

I was mildly attractive schnoodle with braces.

-No way.

-Way.

Mark my words, Delia, today is the start of the rest of your life.

You're not going to believe how wonderful life will be from now on.

So, bin the tin grin and unleash your pearly white smile.

I should charge for this stuff.

Don't freak out cos I've kind of done something you might not like.

You bought that spandex outfit for the Y-Not Bop.

No, but I invited your cousin Iolo to come and visit.

Ah!

Way to go not freaking out. But how? Why? When?

In kind of, well, three, two, one.

-Shw' mae, byt?

-Hey, Iolo.

-Oh, my Gaga, this isn't happening.

-Kit, what are you doing?

Shedding layers, it's hot in here, don't come close. I'm burning up.

Trash or recycling?

Hey, buddy, what's up? How you doing? Let's blow this joint.

Er, Kitty Cat?

-What's going on?

-Don't say anything.

I may have told my cousin Iolo a teeny weeny white lie.

That you like rugby and sport

and wearing shapeless, one-size jerseys like him.

How did you guess?

Kit, you may not believe this

but before I was a sophisticated women of the world.

-You lied about being a rugger bloke too.

-Don't be ridiculous.

My cousin Vizniz did.

And I will tell you now what I told him then. Be yourself.

Otherwise it will all end in schnoodly-schneedly tears.

Customer.

That's not a customer that's a cash-flow problem waiting to happen.

-Tell him I'm not here.

-There he is, my little Stevo.

-How you doing, my son?

-Hello, sir, Mr Snodgrass, how are you?

Sir, Mr Snodgrass? A minute ago he was...

He don't change, do he, this little one?

-I've known him ever since he was an apprentice here.

-What, like me?

-Course he had curls them.

-Curls. Where?

Anyway, Mr Snodgrass, what can I do for you, sir?

-Take cover, here it comes.

-It's old Bertha, her end has fallen off.

-I think you need casualty, not a car garage.

-No, it is a car.

A very, very old car.

Ah, now, I would love to help Mr Snodgrass but it is a big job,

but it's just...

Say no more, Steve, I know it's a lot of work.

And that is why I insist to pay you double the usual fee.

Oh.

Half now and half when it's done.

-Bonbons.

-Complimentary valet included?

Of course.

-See you later, alligator.

-In a while, crocodile.

-You're doing a massive job like that for a bag of bonbons.

-Course not.

You are. Oh, you know, he's a lovely, old bloke.

That's what he used to pay me when I was apprentice.

-He's paid me the same ever since.

-Dump him.

I've never dumped anyone. Wouldn't know where to start.

You're in luck because you're in the presence of a master.

-You've got a lot to learn, my son.

-Don't do that.

-Ah!

-Ah! What is it?

-Code red emergency.

-The Imogen-ator is in the building.

-Seal the hatch! Seal the hatch!

Daniel. Jakey-baby.

Imogen, how many times have I told you? I don't want to go out with you.

Good. Cos I don't want to go out with you anymore.

I'm attached, thought you should know.

Congratulations, Jakey-boy, you're finally a free man.

Pow, ba-da bom bom.

-Meet my new boyf Max or DJ To The Max to you two.

-Yo, dudes.

What's he got that I haven't? BOTH: Everything.

Sorry, man, but what do you care?

You know when you don't want your last bonbon

but when it's gone you want it?

-Yeah.

-Well, Imogen's my last bonbon.

-Ah!

-Jakey-baby wants you back.

-Get real, I only date cool guys now.

-We are cool!

-Oh, yeah, can you DJ?

-What? Switch on a CD player.

Oh, yeah, that is so hard. Not. Of course we can DJ.

In fact, Jake To The Cake is the business.

What you going to do, spin me some doughnuts?

-Just go with it.

-Yeah, actually, I'm going to whoop your bony DJ butt.

Man.

Bring it. There's a DJ-off at the Y-Not Bop on Friday.

-You can show me what you've got.

-Like a duel. Only with dubstep.

I've never DJ'd in my life. Please tell me you've got a plan.

-I've got a plan.

-Really?

-No.

Today's the first day of the rest my life,

today's the first day of the rest of my life.

-Ready, Delia?

-No, I can't go through with it.

What if I have a massive gap like Madonna or Sir Elton John?

I mean, eh eh eh eh huh huh. Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh.

All done.

Or what I have an overbite or an underbite or no bite? I mean...

Wait, did you just say we're done?

So, what do you think about the Bees losing out on the penalty kick?

-Do you mean the Wasps?

-Do I? Of course I do, durr.

Ow.

-How's your passing coming?

-Great, I've passed.

-The ball.

-I'm rugger-tastic.

CRASH

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-What's with the voice?

-Nothing, I've got a cold.

What you want?

To meet his hot cousin, durr. Watch this.

It's nothing, just that a 50-foot, inflatable Lady Gaga

is sailing over the Y right now.

-I think it's a publicity stunt for her new album or something.

-Really?

One sec.

Gaga, I'm good.

-Bore Da. Sadie ydw i.

-Mae'n dda gen i gwrdd a ti.

-That's all the Welsh I've got.

-I've got enough English for both of us.

Yowzer, if he's boring, take me to snoresville.

I'm Kit's bezzie, his big BFF. I bet he's told you all about me.

-Not a word, actually.

-Really?

Noooooo!

Ah!

Ow, Kit, what are you doing?

-You think he's too good for me.

-Don't be a bonkatron.

-But it's true.

You lied about him being dull, you haven't told him about me.

And you've tried everything to keep us apart.

Fine, you're right.

Why would I want my cousin to hook up with someone like you?

You're clumsy, selfish and out for what you can get.

-There, you forced it out of me.

-Nice tackle.

You didn't tell me your BFF was so sbeisiog.

That's hot in Welsh.

I am not his BFF. But I am sbeisiog, thank you.

Looks like your lying and cheating thing is working out for you(!)

Now, young Jenkins.

The first thing you've got to do before you dump someone

is choose your weapon.

Now, this includes, but is not limited to, text, phone,

Ping, e-mail or social networking status.

-That stuff come off?

-Chillax, I'm re-spraying it this arvo.

You're respraying the Clio.

Anyway, the decision is yours. How you going to dump Mr S?

-I was thinking of doing it face-to-face.

-Schoolboy error.

It's not even on the list, Steve, it's so bad.

What else am I supposed to do?

Mr Snodgrass wouldn't know an e-mail from his elbow.

You'd better be ready, the face-to-face dump can induce tears.

-I'm not a crier.

-No, from them.

-So, what do I do?

-You've got to man up.

You got to be cool. You got to be calm.

But, most of all, you've got to stand firm.

Come on, really go for it. Dump me as an apprentice.

OK.

That's it, Keith. You've go to go.

You are the most unmechanical mechanic I have ever known.

You think a carburettor is an Italian pasta.

You think brake fluid is the tea you drink on your break.

There is a dog in there that is better with a spanner than you are.

Now, Keith, with regret, you're fired.

What?

But I try my hardest here, I give it my all.

-And I may not be the brightest spark plug but this garage is my life.

-Oh.

Oh, don't, oh, please don't cry. I'm sorry. Hey, come on.

Come on, of course you can keep the job, Keith.

You're never going to do it, mate.

Cup of brake fluid?

Lunch.

-Whoa.

-Ah. And to what do we owe the pleasure?

Nothing. I'm just being my usual, selfless self.

Not clumsy and really, really thoughtful.

Er, OK, out with it.

There is nothing to come out with.

Can't I just be nice? I'm not always out for what I can get.

Even though some people think I am.

-So, there is a problem.

-Problem solved.

-There is no problem.

OK, there is a problem.

Kit thinks I'm not good enough for his cousin

cos I'm selfish and clumsy.

-Which I'm clearly not.

-Would you put that down.

So what if you are a little bit of all of those things?

You're a lot of good things.

If Kit doesn't realise that, he's an idiot.

-He's an idiot.

-No, I meant to say that you need to tell him...

Yes, I need to tell him he's an idiot.

What are you waiting for? Tuck in.

-Who put those Oompa Loompas there?

-We're not Oompa Loompas, actually.

These are street threads.

-Jake's a DJ now and I'm his promoter.

-Jigga jigga boom.

I've just signed Jake To The Cake up for the DJ-off on Friday.

He's got his iPod on shuffle and he's going to tear the place apart.

Ah!

Boom.

Er, yeah, but you can't use an iPod. It says here vinyl only.

-Records?

-Records. You didn't say anything about records.

What are records?

-Now, this is a record.

-That is not going to fit in my CD player.

It's not meant to. It plays on a record player.

But where are we supposed to find records

a bit more up-to-date than...1982!

-Nowhere round here.

-I'm supposed to be DJing tomorrow.

Chillax, boys, you can use my music. This stuff is audible genius.

MUSIC: "Young Guns" by Wham

# Young guns having some fun

# Crazy ladies keeping them on the run

# Wise guys realise there's danger in emotional ties

# See me... #

What is this ancient-sounding noise? I'm officially dead.

There you go.

Two shacka-lacka shakes with extra sparkles, just the way you like it.

Are you kidding? I only drink man-shakes not milkshakes.

As you wish. (You liar.)

Hey, Kit, notice anything different?

-You're acting weirder than usual.

-Work that smile more.

-And you must be Iolo?

-Don't you start.

Ah. Hi, Sass, we were just leaving. Bye, Sass.

Nuh-uh. I've got something to say to you.

I am who I am and if you don't like it then take back your friendship

-along with your Robert Pattinson fanzine.

-That's not mine.

Your silky hair straighteners and your Miley Cyrus eye mask.

She's finally lost it. Total coo-coo.

Give me five with the little lady.

Oh, right. So, you two, got it.

-Little lady, I'll give you little lady.

-What's happening?

-Oh, nothing, just that my BFF is ashamed of me.

-That's not true.

I'm ashamed of me.

I love my cousin but I've never been able to be myself around him.

He likes all the things I don't.

-He's big, macho, sporty and I'm, well...

-Not.

So what? You're fashiontastic and fabulicious instead.

Yeah. Does Iolo even know what you can do with a peacock feather?

-As if. He'd hate the real me. He doesn't even know I like Gaga.

-Ah!

I can only be myself around you guys.

That's why I didn't want you to see me behaving so differently.

-OMLG, this means I can totally date Iolo.

-It's not about you.

Don't you get it? Kit's being forced into playing macho

cos of that rugger-obsessed lug-head.

-We've got to do something.

-Oh, right. Cos Iolo is completely out of order.

-Hot, but out of order.

-Don't even think about doing anything.

This is how it is and this is how it has to be for ever.

Depressed o'clock. Must dash.

-Don't you worry, we won't do anything.

-Won't say a word.

BOTH: What we going to do?

That's right, Mr Snodgrass, we have reached the end of the line.

-I'm going to have to let you go as a customer.

-No way.

-Way.

I chose my weapon. I've manned up.

Hey? Why, Snoddy? Why? Because you owe me too much mula.

Capiche?

Eh?

-Don't look at me like that. I just can't do it to him.

-Yes, you can.

And you will.

We're going to get Snoddy over here and you're going to dump him, yes?

All right, all right.

New bangles? Bangs? Brian Cox badge?

You seriously can't see anything different about me?

DOORBELL RINGS

Durr, of course, new glasses. Now, please can I get the door?

-OK, but remember what we agreed. Firm but fair.

-Firm but fair, got it.

Thanks for coming over, scrum-head, we want a word.

-Um, siol Gymreig.

-Huh?

-Huh?

It means Welsh shawl,

worn by young girls on St David's Day.

-Along with pointy hats and cloaks.

-I love Wales but that's just weird.

-We want a word about Kit.

-Me too, have you seen him?

-He's acting really strange.

-That's what you call it.

Throwing you in a bin?

You're a let down to your countrymen.

-I'm ashamed to call myself Welsh.

-You're Welsh?

-Half.

-That's not the point, dufus.

-Steady on.

-I will not steady on.

Just go, Iolo.

Take your weirdly spelt name and get out of here.

-You're a total embarrassment to Kit.

-He said that?

-As good as.

He can't stand you and neither can we. Just go.

-Way to go being firm and fair.

-Hm.

-These records are never going to get me Imogen back.

-You don't know that.

OK, maybe you do.

There they are, the little, musical genii.

-Yo.

-Wassup?

-Oh. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh. Never before has there been a DJ-off at the Y. A bop-off, yes.

A dance-off, yes. Even a belly dance-off. I won.

But not a DJ-off.

Look at Mr To The Max, he's been setting up for hours.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, I can't wait. It's going to be sick.

It's going to be a car crash, better bring your stretcher.

# Oh oh oh-oh oh-oh oh, my gosh. #

-So, that's how you do the robot.

-I feel ill.

We've got ancient records that no self-respecting tweenager

would ever dance to. And he's got the works.

You are so right, Jakey-boy. He's got everything we need. Cover me.

Here's little Stevo, Mr Snodgrass. And he's got something to say to you.

Oh, well, what would that be, then, my boy?

Ah.

I'm very sorry, Mr Snodgrass,

but I just haven't had time to fix Bertha's back end.

So, I put a brand new one on, no extra charge,

it's a lovely job, even valeted her myself.

Right you are then, Stephen.

And, as agreed, here's the balance of your payment.

-You be good. And if you can't be good...

-Be careful.

-Ah!

-Are you nuts?

-Oh.

I'm just being me. You know, like it or lump it, I'm a good guy.

I don't dump people.

Oh, forgotten something, sir?

Well, I meant to say I won't be bringing Bertha back here again.

I mean, I like you, Steve, you know I do.

But I can't keep giving you all this business

because I knew you as a lad.

And Mighty Motors are opening up round the corner from my place.

-So, take care.

-Ehh.

Now, there's a man who knows how to dump someone.

Let the DJ-off begin.

OK, peeps, get down on the dancefloor, it's time to par-tay.

MUSIC: "Moment For Life" by Nicki Minaj

# And I will retire with the crown Yes. #

-Try and beat that.

-With pleasure.

MUSIC: "Young Guns" by Wham

# Wise guys realise there's danger in emotional ties. #

Come on, people. Nobody rocked to a bit of retro before?

Get wise to the Whamsters.

HE RAPS: What's this? What's this? This ain't my banging beat

Maxy smells a rat, I think these guys are trying to cheat

But no matter what the tune My rhymes'll get you on your feet.

Lyrics so fly Even Wham's sounding street

Old school, new school Quid pro quo

Take these beats And I make it my own

Old school rocks Are you feeling my flow?

DJ To The Max And I'm stealing this show.

They're supposed to hate that stuff.

You stole Max's records but he can make the uncool cool.

So, I guess that's it then. We're officially over.

Even though we never actually started.

Nuh-uh. When I realised you went to all this trouble just to impress me

I knew I made a huge mistake.

Max is history, Jakey-baby, it's all about you and me now.

You know when you find out that your last bonbon isn't gone,

it's just down the bottom at the crinkly bit of the packet

and you don't want it anymore?

I give up.

Ex-squeeze me, boys, watch the... Oh, never mind.

-Hey, Kit.

-Crisis over, Iolo is out of here. Y diwedd, which means the end.

Getting quite good at this, aren't I?

-What do you mean?

-I told him everything so he's going.

-I just want to say...

-You don't have to.

Sadie told me, that's why you're going, isn't it?

-Why would I want to stay?

-Outrageous.

-What I thought.

-Not Kit, you.

-Me? What have I done?

-Hated on our BFF, that's what.

Just because he prefers dance to fighting and farting.

Kit put on that macho persona and that shapeless jersey

just to stop you judging him.

-He hates rugby.

-No, he doesn't.

-Yes, I do. I'm fabulicious and proud.

Like it or loath it.

I love Gaga.

CHEERING

-So what?

-Huh?

-Huh?

-Huh?

Just cos I like rugby I don't expect everyone else to.

I can't believe you think I'd judge you like that.

We're cousins, mates, I'd like you whatever you liked.

I could never hate you. I thought you hated me. That's what she said.

Huh. Obviously just got lost in translation.

Let me get this straight, who likes what now?

Oh, who cares? Iolo's proved that it doesn't matter

cos it's no big deal.

Some people like fashion and Gaga and some people like rugby.

Some people wear braces and some people have them removed. Like me!

BOTH: You had braces?

Yes. For three years.

Let me be the first to congratulate you

on joining the ranks of the dentally unchallenged.

Save it. My underbite's turned into a overbite, they're going back on.

Great. This means Kit can be who he is in front of you.

-As long as I can be who I am in front of him.

-Deal.

Does this mean I get to date Iolo now?

What? Worth a shot.

OK, enough of the oldies, let's put some 21st-century tunes on.

What? I always carry Gaga. In all formats.

MUSIC "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga

# I must be myself, respect my youth

# A different lover is not a sin

# Believe capital H-I-M Hey, hey, hey

# I love my life I love my this record and

# Me amore vole fe yah

# I'm beautiful in my way Cos God makes no mistakes

# I'm on the right track, baby. #

OK, so, run that by me again. I'm not Welsh? Not even half Welsh.

Nope, because I'm not Welsh.

-But you lived in Wales your entire childhood.

-True.

Every day except the day I was born.

Mam was up in Glasgow that weekend.

Och, macgee, I'm Scottish. How macawesome is that? Get in the noo.