Cocolocolistic Sadie J

.

One second!

Did she just do the finger waggle at me?

Dedes, this is major-tastically important!

Not as important as this.

-I'm studying talking therapy on the i-Shrink app.

-Because?

Because you said I needed to work on my communication issues.

OK, guys, be honest. We'd make a really cute couple, wouldn't we?

The best. He'd totally love you.

-Never going to happen.

-Huh?

There's more chance you'll get hit by a bus that's been hit by a meteorite.

Even if you did meet him at a gig,

you'll have less than 7.4 seconds to impress him

on a crowd capacity of at least 66,000. It's a total no-go.

-Thanks, Dedes(!)

-You're welcome.

What better way to learn to communicate than become a therapist?

You get to talk to people all day.

Lie down!

Anything you'd like to talk about, Miss Jenkins?

Yuh-huh! This!

# Looking, looking, looking, looking

# And boy, what I see I'm liking... #

'That's right, girls.

'The Coco Locos will be choosing one of YOU to join them.

'So, what are you waiting for? Get Coco Loco-listic!'

Ouch. That actually hurt my eyes AND my ears.

Are you crazy?! The Coco Locos are...

Worryingly high-pitched, unnaturally symmetrical...

..the next big girl band.

Girls Aloud are, like, 100 these days, and personally,

I can't see the Saturdays making it past next Friday.

This is the girl band of the future, and I'm going to be part of it.

Puh-leeze! What makes someone as unstylish and tuneless as you

think you've got a chance against someone like moi?

She's got a point.

Did I just say that out loud?

I'll just go get us some shakes.

For your information, Whitney, I've got a secret weapon.

OK! As the Coco Locos' biggest fan,

I know exactly what they'll be looking for.

I'm thinking sparkly salopettes, box-step, box-step!

Maybe a fascinator,

clutching tight-tight, jazz hands, dazzling smile!

He's good, isn't he?

All right, here's the deal.

You choreograph and style me instead of her, and when I get the gig,

I'll take you on tour as my chief creative director.

-BOTH: I can't do that!

-Why? What's she giving you instead?

What exactly do I get for helping you get into the Coco Locos?

The chance to see your BFF become an S-T-A-R! Duh!

She's trying to buy you, which is so wrong,

-it's not about you, it's about me.

-As per usual.

So I just have to do whatever you want me to do, with nada in return?

-That's what friends do.

-BOTH: No, they don't! Jinx!

Quit with the cuteness!

He is NOT going to help you, and that's an order.

The Kitty Kat doesn't do "orders." ..Whitney, I accept.

Coolio, so when do we get started?

Mmm...Now o'clock!

Fine, whatevs! I don't need your help anyway!

I can get the gig on my own, thank you very much. You're not all that!

I'll just put the pan on and turn the heat up high

cos the Sass-ter is cooking on gas!

Honestly, I can't leave you alone for one second, can I?

# Won't somebody tell me why

# I'm always surrounded by boys

# Give me a break

# They got attitude, kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble

# Takes a girl to save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place

# To be her

# Someone to back me up so I'll always have the last word

# Guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boys' world

# Girl, girl in a boys' world

# I know I'm strong because

# I've got a positive mental attitude

# Understanding, kind of sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be

# The only girl

# In a boys' world. #

Oh! You been using that fly spray again?

No, this is Armed Combat, the new gentleman's aftershave.

It's certainly waging war on my nostrils.

Got to make an effort, haven't I? Hannah's on her way over.

You like this girl, then, eh?

-She's no girl.

-Funny name for a bloke.

She's an academic doing a proper degree in history and everything.

Boxy, Spanner and Donkey are well jealous.

I'm the first one to date an intellectual.

I never thought I'd see the day when you'd go out with a girl

-because she was brainy.

-She's also insanely hot.

And he's back. So, tell me, if she's insanely hot and intelligent,

what's she doing with you?

That's bang out of order, that is, boss. I'm well offended, I am.

I told her I'd done a history degree, too.

-What?

-No biggie, I mean, how hard can it be?

Hiya. Sorry, not interrupting, am I?

As if. Hannah, Steve.

-Steve, Hannah.

-Hiya! Is that a Welsh lilt you've got there?

Guilty. I moved here from Trefil near Tredegar.

Oh, Treddy!

Err, yeah, anyway, she's at uni up here. ..Good day?

Fascinating. We're studying the British Empire at the moment.

Didn't that blow your mind?

Oh, yeah! I loved that module.

-Oh!

-Can you believe we gave modern America so much?

Politics, economics...

Simon Cowell?

Joke! Ha-ha!

Go on, admit it. I am smart, aren't I?

You'll have to start calling me Brains from now on.

-Game controllers?

-Check.

-All gamers present and correct?

-Check.

-BOTH: Imogen!

-What are you doing here?

I live here, dummy! Well, not "here" here.

We've bought a house in the next street.

In fact, my lounge faces this treehouse.

Great. We'll give you a wave when you go back there. Bye.

You won't be able to do that. You won't be here.

Are you deliberately trying to confuse me, cos it's working!

Don't be a silly billy, Jakey baby! I meant the treehouse won't be here.

It's blocking our light so unfortunately,

my dad's had to apply to the council and get it chopped down.

Good luck with that.

It takes forever to get anything done by the council.

They've agreed. You've got 48 hours

before the chainsaw hits the chestnut.

-She's making it up.

-Nuh-uh! This is for real!

BOTH: No!

You can hang out in my luxury new Wendy House

I'm having built instead.

Not you.

Who needs the Kitty Kat as creative director,

when you've got the A-Sass-inator? I'll be my own stylist

-slash choreographer slash...

-Enough with the slashing, already!

Oops. Sorry. You know when I get anxious I get scissorhands.

Interesting.

What are you up to?

Nothing. Just some psychological profiling on my i-Shrink app.

-And who are you profiling?

-You. Duh!

Relax. The more I know about you, the easier it'll be for me

to communicate with you.

Well, communicate with the hand, sister,

because the A-Sass-inator's got work to do.

# Looking, looking, looking, looking

# And, boy, what I see I'm liking

# You've got me so excited

# Once again, I'm thinking, oh-oh... #

So, what do you reckon?

-One moment.

-A disco disaster!

Look, I'm a nifty little mover myself, and I've got to say,

I've got more chance of getting in that band.

Dad, these are my dreams you're shattering here!

But if you can dance, don't stand there. Help me!

MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham

OMG! This is a total-istic pile-up!

There's only one thing I can possibly do.

-Give up?

-Nuh-uh!

Hey, Kit Kat! Nice neckerchief, that is totally cowboy-tastic.

Good news, boyfriend.

I've decided you can be my chief creative director after all. Yay!

You can dump Dung-breath and help me get into the Coco Locos.

High five, bestie!

I thought you didn't need my help, bestie,

and that I'm not all that anyway, bestie!

He heard me say that? Oh, curse my big mouth. ..That is so not true!

-Then why did you say it?

-Butt out, Dung-breath.

Don't be like that with her.

At least she didn't take me for granted all the time.

In fact, I feel properly appreciated by...

-BOTH: Kitney!

-Kitney?

It's a couple name like Brad and Angelina, Brangelina.

-Posh and Becks, Pecks.

-But that's stupid. You're not even a couple.

Oh, look, Kit, I didn't mean that. I just meant...erm...

We could be...Sitney!

How about I make you my chief executive creative director?

Forget it, Jenkster. I've already made him president

of creative direction for ALL the Coco Locos.

Like that's going to happen! That muppet'll believe anything.

OK, ladies. Places, please.

Let's go over our audition piece one more time.

Oh, my Gaga! That's it!

No-one takes advantage of my Kitty Kat...unless they're me, obviously.

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh! She tripped me!

Sass! Have you gone totally bonkalicious?

No! You have!

She's not going to give you anything if she gets into that band.

It's all lies!

You know how dedicated I am to Kitney!

Don't go there! My BFF's intelligent enough to know he's being duped!

You're right, Sass.

I certainly am, and I've been duped for far too long...by you!

You came here to deliberately wreck Whitney's routine,

just so you can have me all to yourself.

But I've got news for you, sister, nobody messes with my new sister.

This friendship is officially over. O-V-A-R!

Oh, my Lady Gaga! Kit's dumped me for that dung-breather!

I've got to show him what's really going on.

And if he happens to have an amazing outfit and routine then so be it.

Getting my friend back is the real deal,

but if I don't get into the Coco Locos it's a deal breaker,

-that's why I'm going to do both.

-And breathe.

So, Dedes, are you ready to show Kit the truth?

My i-Shrink app says the truth is only true

to whomever believes it to be, so you might be wrong.

You need to start downloading better apps, like Puking Pigs!

Are you using this as an excuse not to communicate?

What? I'm just trying to get this whole "dialogue channel" open!

-Don't do that!

-Is there an element of jealousy at play here

when you think of Whitney's hold over Kit?

Of course there's jealousy at play! It's playing all over town.

-Sold out!

-Wow, I'm getting good at this whole communication lark.

Dedes, focus! I just lost one of my bestest BFFs here!

I've got to show him that Whitney's making a muppet out of him.

-She's the bad guy here, not me!

-OK, I'm hearing you.

But there's one slight problem.

They're rehearsing in the Cheer Ups' hut.

They're not going to let you in there. Not after your last visit.

Already on it!

Give me a Y, give me an E, give me a Y-E-S! What does that spell?

Disaster! This is THE stupidest idea you have ever come up with!

99% of studies show that...

Those new communication skills are really working out for you.

What I meant was that this brings a lot of barriers into focus for me...

Save it, Dedes. You're coming.

-Boss, I need a name.

-I can think of a few for you right now.

That fat bloke, lots of wives.

That's no way to talk about Mr Johnson.

-He's one of our best customers!

-Not him. The king.

Harold the 10th, Howard the 5th...

-Henry the 8th!

-Brilliant!

Keith, why d'you disappear like that?

Oh, Steve-o was calling me. Needed a bit of help with this little beauty.

-You were saying, your favourite king is...?

-Henry VIII, obvs!

-Really?

I think he's a bit dull.

-Well, his eight wives...

-Six.

-..six wives didn't think so!

Debatable.

Got to dash. Lecture's in five. Call me, OK?

I am dying to get your thoughts on the Victorians.

-They're not a band, are they?

-No.

-This is a disaster.

-Not as easy as you thought, all this history?

I thought I could bluff it, but I know nothing.

You've got to give me a crash course.

-I don't think me and Hannah are going to last.

-You can't be that clueless.

Once you've got the two World Wars...

There were two? Who won?

Crash course it is.

Testing, testing, one-two-three. Testing...ooh!

What are you doing?!

Prepping my secret Dictaphone, duh! I'm going to need some hard evidence

if I want to out Whitney as a fraudster.

OMG, they're coming! Get down.

Nuh-uh! My i-Shrink app recommends total commitment

once a client has decided on a plan of action.

Hey, Kitney!

Nice pom-poms! Is that a new hat?

Mais oui, bien sur!

What? I spend 70% of my time with you guys,

and you don't think I know anything?!

Actually, 69.3%, but who's counting?

-And she's back.

-Do we know you?

Umm...yeah, I'm Katie, and this here's my girl Bebe!

We met at the cheerleading cheer-off last spring.

-We're thinking of joining your team!

-The Cha-Cha Cheerleaders, were you?

Y-yes?

Oh, wow! You were amazing that day!

That backflip star jump you did, it was off the hook!

Thanks.

So, who was that uber-cool guy you were with earlier?

-Kit-Kat? He is so not cool!

-That's interesting.

I thought he was your creative director,

you were going to take him on tour and all.

-You didn't know who he was a minute ago.

-Lucky guess?

-So, anyway, about Kit Karter...

-Oh, enough about Kit!

I'm only using him to get in the Coco Locos, all right?

-He's really not that interesting.

-Go on.

Actually, I think it's about time we put you and Bebe through your paces.

Come on, girls, let's do the pyramid move! You can do the triple flip!

No, I...

I'll take your bag, don't worry.

My bag, she's got my bag!

DRUM ROLL

BOTH: A-a-agh!

Well, at least we got what we came for!

I did not come for whiplash!

-Man, this stinks!

-Leaving the treehouse?

I was actually talking about this.

You're right. Leaving the treehouse stinks, too.

-We've come a long way.

-We've had success.

-We've had good times.

-But remember this...

BOTH: # Never forget where you're coming from

# Never pretend that it's all real

# Some day soon this will all be someone else's dream

# This will be someone else's... #

Hrr-hmm! When you've quite finished wandering down Memory Lame,

maybe you'd like to check out my luxury Wendy House.

-No way!

-I wasn't talking to you.

-Jakey-baby?

-I'm OK.

-It's got a 43-inch plasma screen TV with surround sound.

-Big deal.

-And built-in gaming technology.

-Wow! I mean...whatever!

-Two dedicated gaming chairs.

-JAKE GASPS

And the latest Ninja Warlord video game.

BOTH: Assassins of the Shogun Temple?!

I said the latest. Ninja Warlord, Army of Doom.

Assassins is, like, so three weeks ago!

Take me to the Wendy House!

No, what about us? The treehouse!

# Never forget where... #

I forgot. Let's go.

Fine, go! I don't need you, you traitor! Turncoat! Deserter!

-Nobody's listening to me now, are they?

-No.

Hey, Kit. Can I have a word?

Ex-friend. That's a word!

Technically that's two words.

But who's counting?

Kit, this is serious.

I'm not coaching you for your Coco Locos audition, Sass.

Backstabbers don't cut it with the Kitty Kat.

Then stop coaching her! She's so backstabby

she gives backstabbers a bad name!

Oh!

What in the name of Nicki Minaj is going on?!

-'Who was that uber-cool guy you were with earlier?

-Kit Kat?

'I thought he was your director, you were going to take him on tour?

'Oh, he is! And he's definitely coming on tour.

'I don't reckon he'll stay for long.

'Not when Gaga and Britney discover him. He's going to be huge.'

That's not what she said. I swear!

Save it, sister. Don't add lying to your list of Coco Loco crimes.

Dedes, you believe me, don't you?

Well, I didn't hear Whitney say what you said she said,

but the iShrink app says...

Enough with the iBonkers stuff!

Good communication is about peeps,

not apps. Get with the programme, Dede, and not the one on your phone.

What have you got to say about that?

I just...

-Why is nobody on my side?! ..Thanks, Ms V.

-What for?

I just come for the money for the shakes.

Do you think they grow on schnoodle trees?!

Oy!

You look like I feel.

You don't look so hot yourself.

-Why are you in such a funk?

-No reason. You?

-No reason.

BOTH: OK, you twisted my arm. Sorry. You first.

Me first. Whitney's turned Kit and Dedes against me.

She's going to win a place in the Coco Locos.

Imogen's getting the treehouse cut down and stealing Jake, too!

BOTH: I hate that!

-What are you going to do about it?

-Nothing.

-You?

-Same.

-BOTH: Are you crazy?!

Jenksters don't take stuff lying down.

Exactly. When a Jenkster hits the wall, they knock it down.

-What are you waiting for?! Go get her.

-You go get her.

I'm just going to brush my hair.

-I take it things aren't going well with Hannah.

-How did you guess?

You're trying to get your leg in the arm of those overalls.

-The history lesson didn't pay off?

-It paid off.

I talked about 1066 and the Charge Of The Bright Brigade.

It's...near enough.

Then I thought Winston Churchill was that dog off the telly.

Exactly, I totally thought it was game over.

Then Hannah turns round and says she thinks I'm cute

and funny for trying to impress her. Now she likes me even more.

So let me get this straight.

You have found a beautiful, intelligent girl,

who actually likes you for being you.

I know. Unbelievable.

-So what are you going to do about it?

-Dump her, obviously.

I've fallen for her mate, Charlotte.

She's doing a PhD in astrophysics.

Any idea what that is?

LAUGHTER

Order, order.

GAVEL BANGS

So, there is only one audition space left

for the Coco Locos.

Do we have any takers?

Here!

Excuse me. Thanks.

-Where do I sign?

-There and there.

This is the health and safety disclaimer.

-Basically, if you break anything, you're on your own.

-Oh!

-I'm getting used to that.

-OK, the rules are simple.

All competitors must dance at the same time on the dancefloor.

If one of the Coco Locos gives you a tapsky on the shoulder,

you must leave the dancefloor immediately.

The last person bopping

wins.

SHE SINGS

Go get boogylicious!

Tres luck, mon cherie.

Dedes, Dedes, look,

I'm really sorry, OK?

I know you're major-tastically angry with me, and you should be.

But I am 100%, categorically, make-no-mistake

going to prove to you I'm in the right and Whitney's wrong.

-How?

-Take her down with a shak-a-lack-a-shake.

Do anything to her, you can kiss goodbye your friendship

with Kit for ever. If she IS stringing him along,

-she won't need him once she wins...

-Of course, she must win!

Brilliant, Dedes. Now that was some good communication right there.

But that wasn't what I was... Actually, just go with it!

This better be good, Jenkins.

We're in the middle of Ninja Warlord Army Of Doom when you called.

-What? This old thing?

-Where d'you get that from?

-My dad.

He also got me the latest, latest one

Ninja Warlord Streets Of Fiery Doom.

-And assassins!

-Awesome!

-I've never heard of it.

-Wow, nerd alert.

How out of touch are you?

Who cares? You don't have a 43-inch plasma screen to play it on.

-45, right there.

-He's got a point.

-And where are your dedicated gaming chairs?

-Here.

-Every time there's a blast I make it judder myself.

-Whatevs.

The point is, you have to share this room with everyone.

You think this family's going to want you in here gaming all day?

Just admit it. I win, because you won't have a treehouse,

as of this afternoon when that tree gets the chop.

That tree can't get the chop. Got a tree protection order on it.

Too old. Too important.

Yes!

No!

Deputy Fastplay or Ninja Warlords Streets Of Fiery Doom AND Assassins?

Oh, yeah, I may have told a little white lie.

-The lie being...

-It does not exist.

# Never forget where you've come here from. #

Come on!

It's time to go Coco-Loco-listic!

CHEERING

Good luck, everyone.

OK. Here goes nothing.

Look it doesn't matter how hard you try.

-I'll still win.

-That's the idea.

# And, boy, what I'm seeing

# You've got me so excited

# Hearts soar and I'm thinking oh-oh... #

Oh!

CRASH

BELL RINGS

# You got me crazy loco

# You got me crazy loco. #

BELL RINGS

# You got me crazy loco

# You got me crazy loco. #

BELL RINGS

What in the name of Ksha?

LAUGHTER

Finally(!)

There is clearly only one winner here...Whitney Landon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much, everyone.

This is amazing.

And I never would have been able to do it

without one very special person...

..me!

But Whit-Whit, what about your chief creative director?

I made you the star you are. Couldn't even conga before me.

-Thought kaftan was a cup of coffee.

-Whatevs.

Couldn't creatively direct his way out of a paper bag.

THEY GASP

How big a doofus am I? I actually trusted her.

I'm sorry, Kit Kat.

I didn't want to say, "I told you so", so I showed you so.

I knew if she won she'd can Kitney.

-OMLG. You did not throw the contest from me?

-Too right!

That's what BFFs do. Friends again?

ALL: Yeah.

And so, I am delighted to announce

appearing here, with the Coco Locos,

Whitney Landon, for one night only.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You mean I went through all of this, for one night?

You can stuff your Cocos.

So, by process of elimination,

the winner is Sadie J!

No way can I accept this!

Not after lying, cheating and tickling my way to the final.

Who am I kidding? Come on, girls, let's rock!

# You're sitting there

# Looking good

# Don't think I haven't noticed

# You know I would. #

I so wish I still had that iShrink app.

-But why?

-'Cause I don't know which is more psychologically damaging -

watching Sadie make a total goon of herself

or watching the Coco Locos watch Sadie make a total goon of herself.

LOUD THUD

ALL: Ooh!

She's won, by a mile!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd