Blackmailamundo Sadie J

Come on, ladies and gents, roll up!

Only a few tickets left for The Vanted's autograph signing.

That's right, all writing their names on anything they can find.

OK, OK, vun ticket per perzon.

No refunds, no returns.

What are you, animals?!

I vill not stand for it!

She got that right.

Hey, did I miss the ticket sale?

Miss it? You just bulldozed it.

Whoops.

-Who was that?

-He went that-a-way.

That's it, the tickets are gone.

CROWD: Awww!

Chillax, I already got you one.

But I thought it was "Vun ticket per perzon."

It vas, so I got one as moi, and one as...

nameless hoody-boy - safe.

Come on, tell me I'm a total genius.

If I'd known that I wouldn't have come.

I'm grounded for a week, remember?

-So how come Steve let you out?

-He didn't, I escaped.

You're right, Dad, I totally deserve to be grounded.

I should never have smashed my bedroom window, with a cricket bat.

What? I was trying to swat a fly.

Hot milky malt drink with extra cream and brown sugar.

Oh, I shouldn't really.

You know how sleepy I get after all this sweet stuff.

Don't be daft, enjoy.

Three, two, one...

HE SNORES

Works every time.

That is the stupidest escape plan ever.

Stupider than you locking your dad in the garage

when you broke your curfew.

Sadie!

Really? I quite liked that.

Stupider than when you locked me in with him as a decoy.

Sadie!

Now that was brilliant.

No, Sass, it was S to the T to the...

Stupid! Didn't your dad say it was code red lockdown

if you ever broke your curfew again?

Yeah, but I had to do something to get here.

What teenager isn't obsessed with the Wanted?

With the what?

-Oh, Dede, put it this way - they're...

-Save it.

I've got T-minus five minutes to get to the treehouse.

The treehouse?

-You have to get over here, Dede.

-Right now!

Danny and Jake got hooked onto Space Cargo online and now

they want me to give a fan fanatic commentary - on all 12 seasons!

-I love that show!

-I want to marry that show.

I'm on my way!

-It's going to be...

-So boring I'd rather eat my own hair.

Scratch that - my own head, waxy ears and everything.

-Philistine!

-Porcupine!

What? It's the best I could do.

You best get home before sleeping beauty wakes up and becomes a beast.

Chillax, malted milk makes him sleep for at least an hour.

It's my dad! I knew I shouldn't have used skimmed milk.

Turn it off!

No big deal, I just have to get into the house

without Dad noticing - it's not like he knows I'm here.

PHONE RINGS

Here is Vanda Viziani'sa Vy Diner, Vanda Viziani speaking?

-Hello, Ms V?

-Stephen Jenkins?

What a delightful surprise.

SHE LAUGHS

What was that? Ah, you want to know if Sadie is here.

Hide.

-Hello? What are you doing there, Jenkster?

-Um, nothing.

Ashlii, do you know if Sadie J is here?

Please don't say anything, my dad will ground me again.

My silence comes at a price.

Two Shakalaka Shakes and a buffalo burger?

-Do I look like I eat buffalo?

-Satsuma side salad?

Ashlii, I'm waiting.

OK, I'll do anything!

That's more like it.

Hmm, Sadie J? Let me think...

Skinny? Dishwater blonde?

My hair is not the colour of dishwater.

Compared to my mop of bodacious black it is.

Nope, I haven't seen that loser all day.

She hasn't seen that loser all day.

-Thanks, Ashlii, I owe you one.

-You certainly do,

and you're going to pay, big-time.

Oops - cupboard.

# Won't somebody tell me why

# I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude, Kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble, Takes a girl

# To save the day, to save the day

# I'd love another girl Around the place

# Could you be her?

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# I guess it's hard To be the only girl

# In a boys' world

# Girl, girl

# In a boys'...

# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive

# Mental attitude

# Understanding, kind of sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't wanna be The only girl

# In a boys' world. #

Sass?

Ah, I thought you'd broken your curfew.

Me? You kidding?

I've been here the whole time, just hanging out reading...

Scandalicious.

I've only got like three hours left until my seven-day grounding

is officially over - why would I wreck that?

-Where were you when I woke up?

-Call of nature.

You weren't in the bathroom.

Hmm, literal call of nature.

Yeah, there was this itty-bitty birdie outside,

so cute, I had to go and see.

I'm allowed in the garden, aren't I?

Fine, why don't you just tag me and be done with it?

OK, OK, it's just that I know what the old Sadie would have done.

Sorry, sorry! I forget you're all grown up now.

No, go on, fly, you've done your time, I'm proud of you.

You can have the last three hours on me.

Seriously?! Awesomundo!

Gaga, I'm good.

I've just come back from the park.

You don't say.

-I was out walking Roger.

-Hate to break this to you, mate -

that's not Roger.

-I know, this is Tinkle.

-Tinkle? That's a funny name...

GUSH OF WATER

-Hey!

-Tinkle by name, Tinkle by nature.

Where is Roger?

With Tinkle's owner - Samantha...

-I swapped them, accidentally on purpose.

-Why?

I wanted to get her number off Tinkle's collar, obviously.

Why not ask for her number?

Yeah, she's really going to give her number to some bloke in the park.

True, I mean, stealing her dog is so much better.

It's not stealing, it's borrowing.

We can just swap them back this avo.

I'll just give her a tinkle.

GUSHING

Will you stop saying "tinkle?!"

GUSHING

-Oooh! Out!

-Come on...dog.

STRANGE ALIEN LANGUAGE

That's right, Presidente Cargonian.

We certainly showed those Narzog death fighters

who indeed have the upper hand.

SLURPING

Or should I say, claw!

HE LAUGHS

Claw... What's he like?!

And that, my fellow Space Cargonians,

was the first ever episode

of the best sci-fi show in televisual history.

-Tell me that was NOT the show we saw online.

-Too right!

Where's the amazing CGI? How come the walls are moving?

And why does that monster look like it was made out of loo roll?

Cos it was!

But I don't understand. It says Space Farrago right there.

That says Space CARGO.

Oh! So that's why I wanted to put my head in a bucket

and beat it with a wooden spoon instead of watch it.

Right. We've got to tell Dede we don't want to see it any more.

-You tell her. My PE teacher says I have confrontation issues.

-Whatever.

It's not like she cares about it that much.

-Aagh!

-I can't believe you guys like the show too. Sadie used to love it,

and then she went gaga over Gossip Girl.

It's so good to find somebody else to share the magic with.

The tears, the laughter, the camaraderie.

You guys have really mended a broken sci-fi heart.

Is your lip quivering?

-No... Are you crying?

-No!

OK! who's up for Act Two?

-BOTH:

-Me!

Hey, Kit. Guess who got away with breaking their curfew.

-It was a lucky break, if you ask me.

-Whatever.

Does the cheesecake crumble come with double double cream

-or just cream?

-Who needs crumble when you've got Wanted Whoopee Pies?

-Erm...weird much?

-Nuh-uh!

Nathan's on the quest to find the perfect pie.

He celeb-trebbed it this morning.

The first fan to bake him the best one

gets backstage passes to their next concert. I'm a shoo-in to win.

I don't think so, Kitty-Kat.

Not when you take into account my wonderful Vanilla Whoopee Pies,

frosted with a viperberry finish. Raoww!

You're a fan of theirs?

I am THE fan.

Check it out.

Me with the boys, T in the Park.

The Big Weekend. And the V Festival. Or as I like to call it -

the Ms V Festival.

Those backstage passes are in the bag.

Yes, in my man bag, and battle on!

And back to the real world... I'll have the crumble with custard.

As soon as - you've collected my dry cleaning, and buffed my nails.

-Come again?

-Well, I have to look good when the boys arrive,

and you did say you'd do anything if I didn't blab to your dad.

Yeah, but... That was just words, I didn't mean it.

Then, I guess I'll have to tell him you broke your curfew.

I'll have to tell him I "broke my curfew". Get real! I'm off the hook,

not grounded any more. You can't tell my dad zip.

You've never even met him.

Hey, Dad, I'm ho...ley-moley.

Hey, Sas. Your mate's scooter had a puncture. I said I'd patch it up.

Huh, great(!)

It's really nice to meet your dad, Sas.

-He's so easy to talk to.

-DAD CHUCKLES

You can't do this. It's... It's... It's blackmail.

No, you're right, cos if I did that he'd ground you again

and you wouldn't get to see that band you like at the Y, would you?

But then, honesty is the best policy.

So what exactly am I picking up from the dry-cleaner's?

Oh, no, it's no use. You'll have to give me a hand with this oil gasket.

Sorry, boss, no can do. These are fresh on, especially for Samantha.

Oh, boy, you really do know how to spoil a woman(!)

I want to make an effort but I don't want her to know I have.

Know what I mean?

-No, you lost me when you stole her dog.

-Borrowed.

Speaking of which, where is Tinkle? She'll pick her up any time.

-BARKING

-Found her.

And Samantha can't get here fast enough to pick up the little...

-Hi!

-..lovable ball of furry fun.

-TINKLE GROWLS

-Gargh!

-You must be Smantha.

-I'm Keith.

-My hero. You saved my baby.

-Oh, it was nothing. You saved Roger.

-Not really.

One minute Tinkle was there,

the next she's gone and this was in her place.

-Weird that?!

-He's adorable.

-Yeah, so's Tinkle.

Maybe we could. I mean, they could be friends.

Yeah, and maybe we can go on long walks together.

-Yeah, long, romantic walks.

-Mmm.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

TINKLE BARKS AND GROWLS

I don't think Tinkle wants to spend time with Roger.

Poor baby, she's so sensitive to other dogs.

I dumped a boyfriend because of his wayward spaniel.

Don't sweat it. These two are going to be best buds in no time. Promise.

TINKLE GROWLS

OK, so we agreed, whoever draws the short straw has to tell Dede

we don't want to see, hear, or read about Space Cargo any more.

-Done.

-You go first.

Hang on! They're ALL the same!

-I told you to sort out the short straws!

-I did.

I ran out and bought a box of short straws.

OK, guys. Now, as you've seen all 27 episodes of the first season

of Space Cargo, we should take a little break.

-BOTH:

-Yes.

-In order to brush up on your Cargonese.

Yes, I'll teach you how to speak in the mother tongue

of the Space Cargons.

-Did you make that yourself?

-Guilty!

I spent all night putting it together especially for you two.

-BOTH:

-All night?!

Yeah. Zero sleep for the Dedester!

Which meant I drifted of in my history exam.

Which meant that I lost a point.

Which means I won't win the history prize this year.

For the first time.

But it was all worth it cos I knew you two would appreciate it

a much as me. Ready for your first lesson?

IN CARGONESE:

That was a tossed tomato burger with curly-wurly fries. A side order of...

Excuse me, I just need to check my celebrity chirps. Ooh, what's this?

Oh, only interested in choc-chip porky pies now. My speciality.

How funny. Mine too.

-Eurgh! What is that smell?!

-Ashlii's toe rings.

If you think that's bad, there's her belly button piercing.

It's gross, Kit. She's had me running around for her all day.

I cleaned her make-up bag, washed her weave Even waxed her moustache.

-Grosserific. Just tell her to stuff it!

-How can I?

She owns me until the Wanted turn up.

It's proper blackmail.

-Downright disgusting, despicable, amoral blackmail.

-Where is she now?

Just back from some crisis mission at Hot Weaves, apparently.

Had some trouble with her split ends.

-HE SNORTS

-Split ends? Pull the other one!

-She needs to do her roots.

-Say what?

That girls not Ravishing Raven.

Underneath the dye, she's field-mouse brown, make no mistake.

Gee, Kit - I think you might be right. How can you be sure, though?

-Trust me - takes one to know one.

-Anyway. This is brilliant!

If I can get some concrete evidence that she's actually majorly mousey,

I can blackmail her back.

-You said blackmail was disgusting, despicable, amoral.

-Duh!

Not when I'm doing it!

-Chop-chop! I need a foot rub.

-Oh, you're going to get it, all right.

Look, I know it's a long shot, Rog,

but if you don't do something to get Tinkle on-side soon,

you're going to scupper things between me and Samantha.

So I'm going to give you the old Keith Woods masterclass

in charming the ladies.

First off, you've got to set the ambience. Lighting is key.

So is the music.

Normally I'd put on James Blunt or something like that,

but, since you're a dog, I thought this might be better.

# ..And they called it puppy love. #

Next up, you give them a present.

Now, most girls like chocolates, flowers - that sort of thing,

but I reckon Tinkle has got more...specific taste.

What do you reckon?

ROGER WHIMPERS

This conversation isn't over!

-The plan is... Kit! Kit!

-Sorry.

The boys have been chirping again.

Nathan is open to trying pistachio whoopee pies now.

Hurrah!

So the plan is?

OK, so...you distract Ashlii with a complaint about your burger.

-Have you got the plaster?

-Affirmative!

While you bawl her out with the poor hygiene

and lack of standards, I'll sneak behind the counter

and get some photographic evidence of hair dye. Ready to rumba?

-I was born ready.

-Then go for it.

Waitress! A word. Right, lady. I've got a bone to pick with you.

-The service here is a complete disgrace.

-Don't call me disgrace.

You're the disgrace.

I've got a good mind to get Ms V

and ban you from ever coming in here again.

-So what's the problem?

-There's a dirty plaster in my burger.

Chew on it.

MUSIC: "Mission Impossible"

Yes, I want to know exactly what kind of pistachio

Nathan is keen on - minty or plain.

Get back to me when you know.

-Oh!

-I demand an apology!

Demand all you like, this sister don't know the meaning of sorry.

CROCKERY CRASHES

Oh!

Sadie? Sadie?

-Did you check the bag?

-Mm-hm. Empty.

-You wasn't supposed to steal it.

I didn't, it got stuck!

Why is it empty when she's just been to Hot Weaves?

And why does it say, "Property of Ms V" on the side of it?

BOTH: Got to put it back before she finds out!

She's behind me, isn't she?

She still denies she stole it, but nobody, Steven,

pulls the wool over Vanda Viazani's eyes.

So, what have you got to say for yourself?

This is like, totally unfair, I wasn't even trying to steal

her bag, I was TRYING to steal Ashlii's.

You don't understand! I don't want everything in it,

just one thing - to blackmail her.

I'm not making this any better, am I?

I can only think that she was after the tickets

to the event of the century that she didn't get.

-I got them at the diner, two days ago.

-You were grounded two days ago.

Did I say two days ago? Oh! See, I-I meant... I meant...

Good luck with that. I'll see you, Steven.

I trusted you. I thought you'd changed.

You're turning into a young lady, Sass, when are you going to start

taking some responsibility for yourself?

-But I...

-There's no "buts" about it. This is a code red lockdown.

It's a NUCLEAR code red lockdown. You're grounded for two weeks.

But then I'll miss The Wanted!

I only did all this to get tickets to see them.

We don't always get what we want, do we, Sadie? I'm sorry.

You're not going anywhere.

Emergency, emergency. Dede is on the move.

-I just saw her outside and she was heading this way.

-Lock the door.

We can pretend were not in!

-How long do you expect us to keep that up, you melon-head?

-Oi!

I got bonbons.

-Works for me.

-Hi, guys.

-BOTH: Hi.

I'm on a pretty tight schedule today, so we'll have to be quick.

How does three hours and 45 minutes of the first and only

Space Cargo made-for-TV movie grab you?

-By the throat.

-No! We can't do it any more.

-What are you doing?

I've got to get it out there before she starts another sob story

or makes another home-made dictionary. Dede, I'm sorry,

but we HATE Space Cargo!

I've seen cereal boxes with more charisma than Captain Skyler.

We actually thought you were into Space Farrago.

-You mean that gross-out space comedy on the chav channel?

-Yeah-hah.

Of course! That makes so much more sense now.

I was shocked when you guys said you liked the show.

I mean, Space Cargo is for the more...discerning viewer.

It's layered, complicated, intellectual - as opposed to

Space Farrago - which is just basically aliens farting.

-THEY SNIGGER

-I rest my case.

Hang on a second.

Are you saying we're too dumb to appreciate Space Cargo?

That we're just a couple of fat-heads with no taste? BOTH: Put that DVD on!

-But you guys don't like it...

-NOW!

-That told her.

-Too right.

BOTH: AH! WHAT HAVE WE DONE?

I guess that's it, then.

I'm just going to have to accept the fact that

if you're going to do the crime, you've got to do the time.

And I'm not going to get see The Wanted.

Yeah, right!

Nobody stops the Sasster.

-SHE GASPS

-Going somewhere? I don't think so.

There you go, Mr Gallagher. One cracking Corsa.

Just a sec...

Oh, nice try, Sass. You just got yourself an extra week's grounding.

What bit of nuclear code red lockdown don't you understand?

You ain't going nowhere.

Hey! What are you doing here?

Ah, someone's a barrel of laughs.

So would you be if you had to give up on the girl of your dreams

-cos of the dog.

-Ah,

-I take it the Sam/Tinkle situation isn't working out.

-No.

She's coming over any minute and I'm going to have to fess up.

-What, that you stole her dog?

-No.

I can't get these dogs to like each other.

DOGS GROWL

-Come on, Tinkle.

-Don't say it.

-I came as soon as I could.

What was it you wanted to tell me?

I'm sorry, Sam, but I just can't get Tinkle and Roger to see eye-to-eye.

-No, cos they're nose-to-nose.

-Oh, it's so cute! They're best buds!

-It's like that Disney movie.

-Beauty And The Beast?

-Lady And The Tramp!

-Oh, Keith!

-Oh, Sam.

-Oh, brother.

-See. I told you it was worth stealing her dog.

-You stole Tinkle? On purpose?

-No. Yes.

But I prefer the term, "borrowed".

I was worried sick. I didn't sleep a wink.

Get away from me, you... You dog-napper!

-I cannot believe it.

-I know. It's tragic.

No, the dogs have eaten all my lunch!

-How do I look?

-Surprised?

-Don't get snarky with me, Sass.

-You brought this all on yourself. It's Karmel.

-Karma.

-And her.

Anyway, got to go,

can't keep Nathan waiting for his perfect whoopee pies.

-Thanks, Kit. Cheers for rubbing it in.

-OK, it's official.

Your brother and his mate are weird.

And you've only just figured that out now?

Shak-alaka with a side order of five famous faces.

-I guarantee that'll cheer you up.

-If you insist.

-Coming?

-She can't.

-MOBILE PHONE CHIRPS

And neither can The Wanted!

They've just chirped that their limo has broken down

-and they need directions to the nearest garage - pronto!

-No way!

Way. Now, work those magic fingers, girlfriend.

You know I don't do maps.

I couldn't direct them here, could I? I mean, it IS a garage.

What?

Dad told me I couldn't go and see the band,

but he didn't say anything about them not coming to see me.

Everything OK in there, boys?

DOORBELL RINGS

Got it.

-Is it true that the boys are here?

-Sure are.

-This is low, Kitty cat.

And so underhanded of you to steal them away.

-But I think it will be me that will be having the last laugh.

-Too late.

Nathan already picked mine as the winner.

-But Nathan hasn't even tried these!

-He's not going to, either.

-Why not?

DOORBELL RINGS

On it!

Hey, Sass! Sorry about the whole evil blackmail mix-up.

Erm, I heard The Wanted are doing their PA here - how rad is that?

-Totally rad!

-Any chance I could come in and meet them? Girlfriend? Bestie?

Seriously, that's all you got?

I'll give you free shakes in the Y for life.

Nah. I've already got what I wanted. The Wanted! Bye!

Calm down, I'm not that bad. I'll let her in later. A lot later.

Like, in an hour, or three.

After they've all gone!

Come on, let's get this party started. Oops.

What?

It was a dance move!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Go on, say it. You've got the coolest BFF ever.

-I've got the coolest...

-Hey, guys!

Your dad has fixed the band's limo,

so they're going to continue the party at the drive-through.

They said anyone who needs a lift can join them.

BOTH: Come on!

-I don't think so.

-OK, OK, I get it.

Nuclear code red lockdown.

What? Like you wouldn't have tried.