Bieberlicious Sadie J

.

Bieber! Diner! Bopalicious! Brilltastic!

No, really? You don't say(!)

Speaking of which, yesterday I found the most amazing

canary-coloured headgear on fabuliciousfedoras.com,

and I can't decide whether it's fashion fabulicious

or style suicide.

Kit, listen to me! Remember that Justin Bieber competition I entered?

Which one? I lost count.

Win a lock of his hair, win all of his hair, win his pet hare?

No, the one to get your favourite hangout featured in a Bieber video.

-Don't tell me - they hung you out.

-Nah-ah!

I submitted the Y Diner, and it made the shortlist!

The director is coming here today to make his decision,

which means pretty soon Justin Bieber could be coming here, too!

-If we win.

-You've got to be kidding moi! Let me see that.

Aaaah! Justin Bieber is coming to the Y!

If we win.

# You know you love me

# I know you care... #

Great! Now we have to break the good news to...

Me.

Who is this Bieber? And why is he coming to my Y?

Only the best bopalicious boy to bop ever!

And when he comes to shoot his video here,

it'll be goodbye, Selina Goat-face...

BOTH: Maaaaa!

..Gomez, hello, super-cool Sassa J!

We'd make the perfect couple.

Oh, my Lady Gaga! Please can I be a pageboy at your wedding?

Chief pageboy!

Not so fast!

OK, fine. You can be bridesmaid.

I wasn't angling for that!

So, you say this Bieber would shoot his video in the Y?

I'm afraid no photography of any kind

is permitted in the premises without my prior permission.

And no-one has asked me for my prior permission.

# Won't somebody tell me why

# I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude Kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble Tricks are good

# To save the day, to save the day

# I'd love another girl Around the place

# Could you be her?

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# I guess it's hard To be the only girl

# In a boys' world

# Girl, girl

# In a boys'...

# I know I'm strong because

# I've got a positive mental attitude

# Understanding, kind of sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be The only girl

# In a boys' world. #

-(IN MS V'S VOICE)

-Of course I give permission for you

to photograph and film the boy wonder bopping in the Y!

In fact, Ms V...

..which, er, is me, would never say never to the Bieber! Ha-ha-ha!

Miss Jenkins!

That was undoubtedly identity theft!

From now on,

anyone wishing to use the Y Club,

for whatever purpose,

must get full, legal,

written confirmation

from the proprietor, i.e., me!

But, but, but...

No buts! She's totally right, Sas.

I mean, if the director did choose the Y, then Ms V would be inundated

with hundreds of Beliebers from all over the world

flocking here in droves, just to get a glimpse

of where the boy wonder boogied!

This place would never be empty again!

Well, when you put it like that,

maybe we can dispense with the legalities just this once,

and get Bieber bopalicious!

# When I was 13, I had my first love

# There was nobody that compared to my baby... #

OK, KitKat.

While I prep Ms V on how to wow the director,

you and Deeds can do a little makeover magic on this place.

I don't need Dede's help for that!

Besides, the bespectacled one is potholing in Powys

for her geography coursework, remember?

Aaaaaah!

Man, that girl will do anything for an A*!

So, when's Mr bigshot movie director due, then?

Actually, it's Judd. But you can call me Mr Bigshot if you like.

This is the most momentous Bieber moment of my life.

I mean, this ain't going to be no walk in the park.

This guy's going to be tougher to please than

Toughy McTough on Tough Tuesday!

So, how perfect is this place for a Bieber video?

-Yep, it's pretty perfect.

-No, but I haven't even told you about the...

What did he just say?

I think we should totally shoot JB's video right here!

I'm going to call Bobby, my producer, and set it up.

BOTH: OMJB!

# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

BOTH: What are you doing here?

-I'm shooting my video here.

-I own this establishment.

You guys know each other?

-She was the love of my life!

-I dated him once.

Er, but you're BFFs now, right?

There is no way that this rat of love

is going to shoot his Bieber video in my Y.

Get out!

Get out!

Get out! Get out!

Get out!

But, but, Bieber was in the bag! Nooooooo!

Boss, you are not going to believe what's just happened to me.

Boss?

-You ain't boss.

-I am for this week.

-Nobody told me.

-Really?

Steve said it's been on that calendar for two months.

"My mate Gary is boss for the rest of the week."

Oh, yeah. Steve's at the Wonderous Wheel convention.

Crazy Car convention.

And we have got a full body ruby-red respray on this Renault

before he comes back, so do not let me down.

On it like a car bonnet, boss.

So, anyway.

There I am in Donna's Doners, queuing up for my kebab,

when Tamika, the new griddle girl, starts giving me the eye.

Before you know it, we've arranged a date.

I think I'm in love.

Fancy a cuppa?

Keith, look. One thing you should know about me, yeah?

I don't do tea, I don't do coffee, and I don't do chit-chat!

Got enough dramas in me soaps. 'Enders, 'Oaks and Corrie.

At work, I like to work, so what you need to do is a little bit less

"Nya, nya, I think I'm in love," and a little bit more of

psssssh!

-Comprendez-vous?

-All right, fine.

Work it is. No more distractions.

-Yo, yo, baked potato!

-'Sup, fry-up?

Gary, this is my Boxy, my best mate. Boxy, this is Stevo for the week.

-All right, Stevo?

-No, it's...

-Problems?

-I'll say.

Pumping out more smoke than a Red Arrow.

I can't take Tamika on a date with it like this.

KEITH AND GARY: Tamika?

Yeah. Works down Donna's Doners. I think I'm in love!

Cuppa?

EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

OMLG!

I know, I was so broken by the Bieber blowout,

but I simply had to take a fashion risk,

and I totally made the right decision.

So, how are you doing with the Bieber loss?

What loss?

Nothing is going to stop the Sasster getting the JB into the Y!

Ch-ch-check it out!

This little baby is the answer to all of our Bieber woes.

"Hypnotise Ms V and Judd so they'll forget they ever knew each other."

-Mmm.

-You know less about hypnosis than Derren Brown's dog.

-But...

-Enough!

I was with you all the way this morning,

but the Bieber boat has sailed.

Game over, Sas. Kitty Kat is never wrong.

He is if that hideous hat's anything to go by.

Don't listen to the bad lady, baby.

And what would vous have to tell moi about fashion?

No way! She paired a perfect paisley print with her princess pashmina!

I love it!

So does everyone else.

Yeowza! She made Girltastic's style supplement.

It's official. The couture king is dead. Long live the style queen!

First Bieber, now this! I have to send it back!

I wish I could just turn back time and start this whole day over again.

Oh, come on, Kit! Don't take it to heart! You can't turn back time.

Or can you? OMLG!

I might not be able to go back in time

to stop Ms V and Judd breaking up,

but I can get them back together now,

and get Bieber back into the Y.

Come on, Jakey boy. Left hook, right hook, uppercut.

THUD!

Ouch! Where did that fist come from?

COMPUTER: You lose! Remote player Invincible 99 wins again!

I hate this guy!

If we lose to him one more time,

we'll end up on the Knockout Champ's list of shame!

-That's not manly, it's just majorly embarrassing!

-I know.

COMPUTER: Invincible 99 requests another match!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

-Let's never play Invincible 99 again!

-Agreed.

OK, Operation Get-Ms-V-And-Judd-Back-Together

is a go-go!

Don't even think about it, Miss J. I know what you want.

To get me back with that snake so you can bop with Bieber.

Well, it's not going to work.

No, I totally was not!

Totally was!

This conversation is...

But, all I'm saying is Judd, or should I call him,

the rat of love, must have treated you really badly

when you were dating.

How dare you! Judley was nicest guy in world.

He treated me like perfect princess

when we were together for six whole weeks of summer camp.

He was on the unicycle course, I was doing shadow puppetry.

It was just like that movie, Dirty Dancing,

which we saw on our first date.

I was Baby. He was Johnny.

# We had the time of our lives. #

Erm, so, why did you break up?

I will not talk about this with you.

I refuse to talk about this with you!

Anyway, it was our last day.

We arranged to meet on the beach at six.

I had flowers in my hair, new braces on my teeth.

But it was a no-show. Nada. Zip!

He stood me up.

Erm, so you didn't get the message Judd left you, then?

What message? Judley never left me messages.

If you wanted to say something to me in those days,

he would make me a mix tape!

He left me a mix tape?

Yeah, yeah, he must have left you a mix tape!

What's a mix tape?

The tide was very high that night. It must have been washed away.

Yeah, it must've been, washed away, yeah.

What was on the mix tape? Sssh! Don't speak!

Journey. What was it? Jefferson Airplane?

The Jackson 5! I Never Can Say Goodbye!

Of course! This was Judley's way of saying goodbye to me!

I have been such a nincompoop all these years!

-Give me his number.

-Yeah!

Man, did not think it was going to be that easy!

Gaga, I'm good!

Having fun, are we?

You betcha! Man, I've missed my Vee-Vee all these years!

-Vee-Vee?

-Me too, Judley budley!

So, that's one double deluxe shakalaka shake for our little...

Ding! ..Cupid!

I can't believe you brought us back together after all these years.

I honestly never thought I'd ever see her again

after that last day at summer camp.

I got to the wigwam at six. I waited there for hours.

-I can't thank you enough.

-No biggie.

Just the fact that you're shooting Justin Bieber's video here

-is all the thanks I need.

-Are you kidding?

Now I've got her back,

I'm not going to waste time working while I'm here.

-We've got 30 years to catch up on!..

-Which reminds me.

Bobby? Yeah, it's Judd. Listen, nix the film crew.

We're going to shoot this Bieber baby back in the States!

-Oooh!

-Shall we?

Aaaaah!

What? We've had it switched off for over 24 hours now.

There's no way Invincible 99 will still be online.

If you're sure.

I'm sure.

Unlucky. Invincible 99 is in da house!

Literally.

BOTH: You're Invincible 99?

Yeah.

But you don't play Knockout Champ, you play Pinky Pony Princess Castle!

What can I say? I like to mix things up.

Now, why did you guys pull the plug on me?

You weren't scared of ending up on the Knockout Champ

list of shame, were you?

BOTH: As if!

Whatevs. If you don't accept a challenge, a face-to-face challenge,

I'll text everyone at school that you two

wouldn't risk losing to a girl.

-BOTH: Bring it!

-Consider it brung!

So?

So what?

So, what's happening with you and Boxy and Tamika from Donna's Doners?

I thought you didn't do tea, biscuits and chit-chat.

You get your dramas from soaps. 'Enders, 'Oaks, Corrie.

Less of this, and more of that.

Tssssh! Weren't it?

Well, I thought it would be polite to ask, that's all.

Look, it's a non-starter, mate.

I might be in love with Tamika, but Boxy met her first.

-Going to have to tell her I can't see her again.

-No way!

Way. She's probably not my type, anyway.

I don't suppose we have anything in common.

Hi, Keith!

OMGG!

I brought you your favourite.

Chicken doner margarita with curry chips and mayo!

Thanks, babe.

So, what do you want to see me about? I haven't got long.

The thing is...

Gary!

What? Oh, sorry!

Look, it's about our date.

Oh, yeah? I thought we could go for a pizza pig-out, then paintballing,

then take in a movie.

Cows In Space looks awesome!

Wow! Sounds like my perfect night!

Mine too!

Oh, we've got so much in common! See you at seven on Friday, then?

Yeah, all right, then.

Feast your eyes on my fabulicious fedora.

OMLG!

It's awesome, right?

It was completely sold out, but luckily,

I fooled you into returning it.

But you said it looked hideous on me!

Looks like the KitKat's been played!

Boy, is that girl going to pay.

But Kit, my Bieber dream is officially over! O-V-A-H!

Get real! I thought my fashion dream was over, but it's not.

Now, if you really want to get Bieber in the bag,

you've got to play dirty.

Dirty?

Dirty!

Guess what's on the retro-reel at the cinema, guys?

Only the film that brought you two together, Dirty Dancing!

-Thank you!

-So kind!

But I'm afraid I can't close the diner

in the middle of the day, Miss J.

On it!

Oh, you'd better be going, because the film starts in 10! OK, bye-bye!

What? He's not going to need it in the cinema.

-(IN JUDD'S VOICE)

-Hey, Bobby. It's Judd.

Yeah, I was just saying nix the call I made earlier about Bieber.

The shoot's back on today in the Y diner!

I know what you're thinking.

What's Bieber and a film crew going to do without a director? On it!

Well, howdy, y'all!

What? I know I'm a bit shorter than Judd, but no-one will guess it's me!

Hey, Sas.

Just wanted to fill you in on my ferosh plan

to play Rebekkuh at her own...

Stop! I've got to get my Judd on!

What?

I took your advice to play dirty, and sent Ms V and Judd

to watch Dirty Dancing, while I direct the Bieber video!

-Nah-ah!

-Yah-ah!

PHONE RINGS

Withheld number! This could be it!

Hey, how you doing?

Say what? Bieber's on the move?

BOTH: Aaaaah!

He'll be here in five, four, three, two...

One!

Uh-oh! Busted! Must dash!

But... You're supposed to be at the movies!

Yeah, and we would have been, if Bobby hadn't gotten a call

from some girl pretending to be me, trying to get Bieber back in the Y!

But how did Bobby even ring you? I've got your phone...

Oops!

-What are you playing at?

-I'm sorry.

It's just, like, I'm Bieber's biggest fan ever!

I only did this so he'd come here and I could meet him.

Are you totally bonkerlicious? Justin Bieber's not coming!

He was never coming!

Look, this is the teenies. It's all done digitally.

We shoot the diner here, and we shoot JB's dance in Denver, Dakota

or Des Moines, wherever he's on tour.

Duh!

They what? So, no Bieber? Never a chance of Bieber?

Do you realise what I had to go through to get to this point?

I entered every Bieber competition in town!

I even stole her identity just to get the Y considered for this gig!

And when that worked, I had to content with you two

nearly ruining everything with your lame lovers' tiff!

And then I had to make up that lie about that stupid mix tape

just to get you back together for Bieber!

And now you tell me he was never coming anyway!

Oops, did I just say that all out loud?

So, you never made me a mix tape?

What mix tape?

I think you should go.

But Vee-Vee, what have I done?

Nothing, that's the point.

-It's over, Judley.

-But...

-Go.

-Look, Ms V, I...

-Please don't say any more.

I think I've been hurt quite enough for one day.

Are you crying?

Don't be ridiculous. I merely have watery eye.

And a sharp, stabbing pain in my heart!

-Now, I want a good, clean fight.

-BOTH: On it!

COMPUTER: Let's get ready to rumble!

BELL RINGS

Jab, jab!

I am jabbing! I am jabbing!

THUD!

COMPUTER: Rumble!

That was pretty good, Jakey boy.

What?

Watch out!

Man down! Man down!

COMPUTER: Knockout!

You lose! Invincible 99 is the undisputed World Knockout champ!

OK, guys.

It's time to enter your deets onto the Knockout Champ list of shame!

No, not that! Anything but that!

Let's play again, but this time, you're up against me,

and if I lose, I'll enter our deets on the list of shame.

Are you crazy? That's suicide, man!

Trust me!

-Dad! Dad!

-Ow!

He's still at the Big Wheels rally.

Crazy Car convention?

That.

What? But I totalistically need his advice!

I've just trampled all over Ms V's feelings

so she and Judd will never get together again.

So?

So give me some advice, doofus!

Well, you see, Sas,

it's very similar to the problem we had with Mr Stanley's Subaru.

We tried to get the engine going again, we really did,

but we just couldn't.

But if Mr S had gone to another garage, with better equipment.

Look, what I'm trying to say is that it was just a case of

wrong place, wrong time for Mr S.

Maybe that's what it is for Ms V and this bloke.

Oh, my Lady Gaga, you're right!

No way! Total fluke.

Because Ms V said...

We arranged to meet on the beach at six.

But Judd said...

I got to the wigwam at six.

Judd did turn up to see Ms V on the last day of summer camp,

he just went to the wrong place! Oh, thanks, Keith!

You know, I'm really disappointed in you, Kitty Kat.

I'd have thought you'd at least tried to play me back by now.

There's a time and a place for every play back.

Well, you'd better get your game on soon, boyfriend,

because you've already been played again.

Say what?

Read it and weep, Kitty Kat.

I heard you put a downpayment on this dainty little number.

Thanks for the heads-up!

Mon pleasure, girlfriend!

I put the downpayment down on that frankly hideous swimming cap

so you go gaga for it!

And I was right. You fell for it. Played much?!

Seconds out, round two!

Six! My pinky pony trumps over your wicked witch! Ha!

Come on, Imogen! Thought you were meant to be good

at Pinky Pony Princess.

Six again!

I'll whip your evil stepmother with my weave,

and rescue the six-pack Prince from the grouchy grandmother!

Yes! I'm the Pinky Pony Princess of the castle!

What? I used to watch Sadie play it when she was 10.

I cannot believe I've just been beaten by a boy!

Well, I won't tell anyone if you don't tell anyone.

About beating us.

Deal.

Just one thing. Pinky Pony Princess Castle only came out last year.

It wasn't around when Sadie was 10.

Let's never speak of this again.

All right, spill.

Well, there's not much to say, really.

-I couldn't bring myself to let Tamika go.

-Oooh!

-And I haven't told Boxy.

-Aaah!

-Told Boxy what?

-Boxy? What you doing here?

I've come to pick up my bike, duh!

So, what haven't you told me?

It's about Tamika from Donna's Doners.

-Gary!

-What about her?

She's cheating on you.

Gary, shut it!

-Tamika's a cheater?

-Say what?

Oh, this is better than 'Enders, 'Oaks and Corrie all together!

Look, Boxy. I'm, sorry, OK? But I've been seeing her behind your back.

-Hang about!

-Let me finish, Tam.

Now, I know mates trump dates, but I was weak, spineless.

But I'm not any more.

Tamika, it's over. O-V-A-R.

-But...

-No buts.

I'm sick of the kebabs you keep bringing me,

and I hate pizza pig-outs, and paintballing.

In fact, we've got nothing in common.

For your information, you muppet, I wasn't dating him.

You want to get your facts straight, mate.

I'm Tamika Taylor from Donna's Doners.

He's seeing Tamika LaToya from Donna's doners.

Brilliant!

Not brilliant. Keith, it's over. O-V-E-R, doofus!

EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

Two Tamikas in one tiny kebab shop?

You would never credit that, would you?

You know, sometimes in life there are bigger things than Bieber.

Not many times, but some.

Get on with it! They're going to be here any minute!

BOTH: I just got your text.

Spielberg is in the diner?

There's been a shakalaka spillage?

-Not quite.

-What's with the lights?

Erm, I just wanted to get you guys together.

What for? Bieber, no doubt!

Look, Sadie. I already told you...

No, it's not about Justin Bieber! I don't care about him any more!

It's about you two.

-What's going on?

-What in the name of Valerie Singleton is going on?

I thought you said Spielberg was...

Look.

Now, before you go all bonkerlicious on me, I just wanted to say

how sorrylicious I am,

and I should never have put what I want above your feelings.

Well, it's a bit late for that now.

Not quite. I've got one question for you.

When and where were you supposed to meet on the last day of summer camp?

-Six, on the beach.

-Six, at the wigwam.

-I thought you stood me up.

-I'd never stand you up.

You guys seriously need your mobile phones back, then!

See? It was just a case of right time, wrong place. Hit it, Kit!

# So we take each other's hand

# Cos we seem to understand the urgency

# Just remember

# You're the one thing

# I can't get enough of

# So I'll tell you something

# This could be love, because

# I've had the time of my life

# No, I never felt this way before

# Yes I swear it's the truth... #

Well, you know what they say. If you can't Bieber 'em, join 'em!

Aaaah!

THUD!

OMLG, you guys!

Have you seen the new Justin Bieber competition

in Scandalicious magazine?

Are you going to handle this, or shall I?

My pleasure.

I'll take that as a no.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd