Megatronic Sadie J

-Here, tell me if someone picks up.

-No, but that's mine!

Sorry, Dees. I'm on a Perry popilicious mission to get tickets

-to the girl wonder's one night in Wembley.

-She's bagging us

Katy Perry concert tickets.

Oh, my Lady Gaga! I just got through!

Now don't freak out, but there was no Vineleaf Vegan burgers.

I got you a Double-Double Meat Feast with extra buffalo.

Arrgh!

I knew the buffalo would tip her over the edge.

It's not that. It's Mega Myles, the Megatron. She's coming over!

MUSIC: "Smart Girls" by Weezer

-So?

-So?! She's the new head girl

and I put my name in the ring to be her second in command.

-This could be it!

-Guess who's top of the list

-to be my deputy?

-Selina Gomez?

-WHIP CRACK

-What?

Well, thankfully, rule 12

in the official Head Girl Rule Book clearly states all candidates

have to be enrolled at our school.

So, barring a bolt from the blue, I want you...

One Chockalaka Celebration Shake, cos I just got

the last ticket in town!

I thought we agreed we'd never go see the K-ster without each other?

-Oh, come on. What did you expect me to do?

-But, Perry!

You promised!

I'm officially huffing off.

An "excuse me" would have been nice.

That's what one normally does when one knocks a person over.

-Excuse yourself, lady!

-Who is this irritating personage?!

Er, Dede's BFF, that's who.

And, if you want a picture of irritating...

-Hello!

-What are you doing?

-It's just a joke.

-I'm so sorry, Megan.

My friend has a very unique sense of humour.

So anyway, back to this deputy stuff.

-You were saying you want...?

-You know what?

I think I might need another few days to make up my mind.

-No! But...

-But nothing.

A good deputy is a patient one.

It's all about the kind of person you are. And the company you keep?

Sadie! You just totally messed up my chances of becoming deputy head girl.

She would've given me the gig

if you hadn't been so unbelievably rude to her.

OK, OK. Relax, Deeds. I'm sorry, all right?

No, not all right! Apology not accepted.

I'm tired of being let down by you all the time.

You lie, you cheat, you mess up everything. You even steal my shakes.

You're incredibly selfish and you only care about you!

That is so not true.

Prove it! Get me back into Megan's good books in the next 24 hours

and I might actually believe

you're a selfless, good and kind friend. For once!

Am I really that bad a BFF?

Talk to the hand, you Katy Perry double-crosser!

Oh, no. Actually I'm worse than that!

Fine, I'll do it. The Megatron is in the bag.

Prepare to be satisfied with selflessness!

You don't realise what a good and kind BFF I am, guys.

Mine!

Whoops!

# Won't somebody tell me why

# I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude, Kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble, Tricks are good

# To save the day, to save the day

# I'd love another girl Around the place

# Could you be her?

# Someone to back me up so I always have the last word

# I guess it's hard To be the only girl

# In a boys' world

# Girl, girl

# In a boys'...

# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive

# Mental attitude

# Understanding, kind of sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be The only girl

# In a boys' world. #

Hey! Who wants to play Ninja Warlord: Return Of The Camutan?

-What's going on here?

-Er, nothing?

Knitting.

Knitting?! That is like so nafftastic!

-No, it's not.

-Yeah, it is! I hate it, but I've got to do it

as part of my arts and crafts assignment.

And I'm helping Jakey Baby.

My Nicolson says we have to knit an entire jumper.

It's going to take forever!

Who cares what SHE says?

Put down the needles, it's Ninja Warlord O'clock!

We haven't got time for that. This is a very technical craft.

It takes ages to master it.

Not like a dumb-dumb like you would understand.

Who you calling a dumb-dumb? Dumb-dumb!

-I could knit if I wanted to.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

Show me what you've got!

-Boss, I've got a major problem.

-Yeah, you and me both.

I promised Bobby, the local bobby, I'd fix his flashing light.

But the instructions are in Japanese. I haven't a clue.

I've got a real crisis here, Steve. Natalie...

-my new girlfriend...

-Ah.

..has asked me to go to a pool party.

Anyway, the flashing light. If you can just pass me that spanner.

-No, you don't understand.

-No, YOU don't understand.

This is a big job.

If I don't fix it, Bobby can't get back on the beat.

If Bobby can't get back on the beat, then the burglars can't beat Bobby.

Either way, it's way more important than you not being able to swim.

-I CAN swim...

-Well...

..as long as I wear my armbands. HE LAUGHS

Oh, my Lord.

-You not going to let me get on with this till I help you, are you?

-No.

All right. OK.

I'll give you 20 seconds.

Now, it seems to me that you CAN swim,

so you don't actually need your armbands.

It's like me and these Japanese instructions.

I could've told Bobby that I couldn't fix his light

because I couldn't read them, but did I?

No. I just ditched them, manned up and took the job.

That's exactly what you're going to do.

You're going to learn to swim without your armbands.

-But...

-20 seconds are up.

Yeah, but... POLICE SIREN WAILS

Three diner doughnut dippers and a double decker baguette.

Carbs, on a weekday? What gives?

-Katy Perry's sold out! I need a pick-me-up.

-Oh!

What, Katy Perry's musical concert?

-I prefer the term cultural event of the year.

-More like snorefest!

I'm a close and personal friend of the Perry's PR manager.

He always sends me backstage passes, tickets,

whenever there's a concert, but I never go.

Are you insane?! The Perry is perfect. Please take me with you!

I cannot bring myself to sit through that tuneless guff!

Pretty please with an extra kitty-cat on top?

Say yes, say yes, say yes!

Fine.

-So long as...

-Yay! Go Kitty Cat, go Kitty Cat.

-Don't say a word to Sass.

-Oh, never mind her. What about...?

-Zip it!

Talk about the perfect Perry payback.

Thinks she's all that, getting the last ticket?

I'll show her who's the Perrymeister when I go backstage on the night.

Kit? I just wanted to say, about the whole ticket situation, I just...

Oh, don't give it another thought, girlfriend. You go, enjoy yourself!

-I'll wave to you from the wings.

-What?

-Nothing!

-So, what's new in Sadieworld?

-Selflessness, that's what.

I've decided to push my pride aside

and apologise to Megan for all the, um...

stupid things I did.

I'm sure that'll get Dede in her good books as a shoo-in for deputy.

Looks like someone's got it worked out.

I like to think so.

MUSIC: "Smart Girls" by Weezer

Oh, my geez, it's the Megatron. Hey, Megan. Remember me?

Uh-oh! Looks like there a little bit of trouble in Nerd Town. Bon luck.

She just didn't see me, did she?

As head girl, naturally I've been asked to man the snack stall

at the library fundrasier.

Now, what do you think of microwaveable cheese strings?

Boil-in-the-bag bhaji balls? Come on, guys.

This stuff needs to sell like hot cakes.

So, why don't you sell hot cakes? Or, more specifically, cupcakes.

Rule 23 in the Head Girl Rule Book states,

"The head girl has to make all head-girl-related decisions."

Man, this chick likes her rules.

OK, so why don't you decide to sell cupcakes?

-I mean, they're like way popular.

-Says you!

Hands up who lies cupcakes!

-ALL:

-Yeah!

But how are we going to bake them? I know nothing about cupcakes.

Chill-a-mungo, my BFF Dede would love to help.

They don't call her Dede "The Baker" Baxter for nothing!

-But I've never made a cupcake in my entire life!

-Really?

I thought you did a cookery course last year?

Yes, on how to make sushi.

Did you honestly think making a few cupcakes

would get me back into Megan's good books?

-But, I just thought...

-No, you didn't think.

-That's why you just made everything a billion times worse, Sass!

-Nu-huh!

I was just trying to prove what a good, kind and selfless friend I am.

-You can't throw me at the first hurdle!

-You threw yourself!

Oh, come on, Deeds. I'm on it this time. All over it, in fact.

Just give me a chance. I promise this is going to work.

It has to, cos I have absolutely no alternative!

I'm not going to lie to you - it's going to be tough,

especially since I've never baked anything...

in my life...ever!

But I reckon with dedication and exploration,

there's a way we can make these cupcakes cupcakealicious. Agreed?

Ta and, indeed, da.

Not bad for a first batch, eh?

No, not those burnt ones! These ones!

Read it and weep, Imogen. The Danster is a natural with the needles.

OK, fine. I admit it.

Your cable stitch is sublime.

Argh! I just don't get it.

What's not to get?

Just knit one, purl two.

Knit one, purl two.

-Loop to the end, then turn.

-DANCE HALL MUSIC

-RECORD SCRATCHES

-Wait a minute. Are you...

ENJOYING this?

Are you kidding?!

It's rubbish. Totalistically nafftastic.

In fact, I never want to knit again in my whole, entire life.

Just a simple "no" would have done.

Hey, Miss V. Nice flicks.

Loving the dress. Is that a new suit in noir?

So, have you got that ticket? I'll meet you there.

HE GASPS Ah-ah-ah. Not so fast, kitty-cat.

We haven't even discussed terms yet.

Nobody said anything about terms.

What are terms?

You don't get something for nothing.

So, what are you going to give me for the ticket?

I hear your faux-French polish pedicure is to die for.

HE GROANS

Put down your rule-book and read my lips.

-This little lot are Dede-licious.

-Don't do it!

Can I just say, I know this entire situation is simply...

Remarkable! Looks like you've excelled yourself, Baxter.

Ah, right. Well, um...

-I try my best!

-Does she ever?!

This girl here can turn her hand to anything, can't you?

In fact, I'm amazed she isn't in pole position

for that deputy head girl role.

How unsubtle.

Agreed. Dede? You're back in the running.

Unsubtle works for me.

In fact, you're neck-and-neck with my only other choice.

-And that would be...?

-You, dummy!

-What?

-What?

-I mean, it's great to have practical skills like Dede,

but you had the idea, and that's also what I want -

a creative-thinking problem-solver.

Thankfully, I don't have to make my mind up until tomorrow.

Keep up the good work, girls.

-This is a disaster.

-Well, you're telling me.

Bobby the bobby's going to bang me up if I don't get this sorted,

and there's no way that this light fits on to this car.

I'm talking about not being able to swim without my armbands.

I have tried everything bar glue and rope.

-HE SPEAKS OVER RADIO

-'PC Woods to DI Jenkins,

'this is not about you, it's about me.'

I tried everything in that swimming pool. Breaststroke, butterfly...

doggy paddle,

but nothing works without my wings.

-HE SNIGGERS

-Sorry.

I tried to man up, but I let myself down.

ARMBAND POPS AND HISSES...

AND DEFLATES

-What, a bit like that?

-Boss, this is serious.

Natalie's going to think I'm a right Muppet wearing...

-LIGHT CASING CLATTERS

-Oh...

Nonsense. Look,

sometimes there's more to being a man than just manning up.

Sometimes it takes a big guy to admit that he can't do something.

I definitely can't sort out that flashing nonsense.

Now, you go, you take these armbands...

-ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SWELLS

-..and you wear them with pride.

-Are you kidding? I'll look stupid.

-No. You look in control.

Oh, yes.

The Keithmeister - he's no backseat driver.

He's got his pedal to the metal, he's got his gear in gear

and he's gliding up that pool wearing these wings with pride.

Yeah? Now, when I go and tell Bobby

that that flashing light has flummoxed me,

you go and you show those pool people

how to party with a pair of armbands!

-MUSIC FINISHES

-Boss, you're right. I'm going to.

I will. You watch me fly.

-Oh, yes.

-I mean, swim.

-Yeah.

-See ya.

-Yeah.

Right. One more time.

-Boss, do we have a puncture repair kit?

-Out!

You're going to have to talk to me sometime. Or just hang up.

Wait a second - have you already hung up?

Ooh, I don't want to talk to you.

I can't believe you're in the running to be deputy head girl.

Um, that's the point - neither can I. But we can sort this.

I'll just tell Megan I don't want the job.

Like you could even do the job. You wouldn't know where to start.

Uh, well, clearly I would, since I'm a creative-thinking problem-solver.

BELL RINGS More a non-thinking problem-creator.

-DING

-Well, I can't be that bad,

considering I got you back in her good books and back in the running.

DING If it wasn't for your stupidity,

I would never have been OUT of the running.

-DING

-Oh, my Lady Gaga.

You think I'm too dumb to be deputy head girl, don't you?

DING I didn't say that.

-DING

-You didn't have to. You know what?

-You always underestimate me.

-But...

-Well, not any more.

As of now, I am officially up for being Megatron's number two.

-Prepare to be de-deputised, Dede.

-DING

Bring it. DING

-Here, let me take that for you.

-On it!

-Uh, thanks, girls?

-Come, take a load off.

-A latte for the lady!

-OK, what's going on?

Nothing. Just showing you what life will be like when I'm your...

-second in command.

-Save it, Sass.

There's only one Deputy Dede, here.

Save it yourself, sister. Trust me, if you go with this one,

-it will be percentages over people, all the time.

-Says HER.

The only people she's interested in are the front page of Scandalicious,

along with a free sachet of naff nail-polish for your pet pooch.

Oh, that is rich!

Dede knows nothing about popular culture.

She thinks Chipmunk is a small, furry animal!

When clearly he's a rapper.

Says HER. Sadie thinks the Hadron Particle Collider

is a ride at Babington Towers!

I don't want to hear your opinions on each other,

I want to hear what each of YOU has to offer ME,

and, as rule 47 in the head girl rule-book clearly states,

you'll have to do this by preparing a 1,000 word essay

-on why I should pick you.

-Done.

-Done.

No way. Kit would never do anything that gross.

Who told you to stop, tootsie boy?

Work my piggies faster!

But I've already got finger burn.

Who cares? I'm going to have my bunions buffed after this.

Bunions? You can get a life.

It's your choice, but remember...

The bunions get you backstage.

OK. Who wants to play Ninja Warlord: The Return Of Kamutan 2?

All right, Jakester? Jakey boy? The Jake-atron?

-What's going on?

-Going on? I don't know what you mean.

-Are you hiding something?

-Me?

As if. Good one!

-SOMETHING CLATTERS

-What's behind the chair?

Um... It's Roger.

And he's ill. Feeling really poorly.

Doesn't want to be disturbed, do you, Rog?

-HE THUMPS TYRES

-Ruff.

Oh. OK, you want to play in the lounge, then?

Sorry, no can do. Really busy.

Flat out.

Looking after Roger.

-See you, then.

-What's this doing here?

Um...Imogen must have left it.

You know what girls are like. Heads like sieves.

Bye.

Heads like sieves?!

Insult me again and our little secret

won't stay secret for much longer.

'So, yeah. If you pick me, Megatron,

'there is no way you'll be sorrylicious,

'because A, I'm totally great to be around,

'and B, I can give you some seriously top fashion tips,

'and C, I'm, like, insanely...

..organised.

Hmm. Not bad. How many words is that?

Oh, 35?! Deeds is going to make mincemeat out of me.

"And so, as an addendum to my 1,000 word argument above,

"I say to you, what is a deputy?

"An elbow to an arm. A hinge to a door.

"Fuel to a jet-plane and so much more.

"I'll be your rock, your sounding board and your devoted servant."

Very nice.

Beat that, Jenkster.

See what I mean?

What do you mean all the Katy Perry tickets are gone?!

You realise you're talking to the head girl

of the Heather Chandler Memorial School here, don't you?

And the head girl rule-book states categorically that...

Hello? Hello?

And suddenly the Jenkster is back in the game.

Very good.

Hmm.

-Interesting.

-And there are footnotes at the foot of the page.

Obviously. And I have an appendix if you'd like to see it.

I'm fine. Sadie, may I see your essay?

With pleasure.

Sorry about the stains. That's mushy peas and not bogies,

and it's slightly under the word count.

950 words under, to be precise,

but, as they say, less is more.

Well, I think the choice is obvious.

Sadie, you've got the gig.

Yes! Get in, go Sassy, go Sassy. In your face, Baxter.

Not so full of yourself now, are you?

But I... I worked SO hard for this.

I really did.

I'm sorry. This is very unprofessional of me.

Well done, Sass.

NEAR TO TEARS: The best person won.

Ticket, please. For the K-to-the-P's concert.

Good work, deputy.

For the love of Gaga, Jenkster.

What have you done?

Oh...

All that fuss for that. It's hardly aglow.

-Whoop, whoop.

-Oh, crikey.

-Let's get this party started, boss.

Take it the armbands went down well?

-No. I haven't even been to the party yet.

-What are you so happy for?

Turns out it's not a swimming-pool party, it's a POOL pool party.

you know, with cues and balls.

I don't have to wear the armbands after all.

-Well, glad it worked out for you, mate.

-Just one thing. How...

How do you play pool?

Out. Now. Out!

Oh, by the way, your bulb's blown.

Oh...

All clear, let's go.

-Hit me with it.

-Read it and weep, Danny boy.

It's a three-part alpaca snood, with convoluted cross-stitch design.

-Knitting heaven.

-Awesome. I can't believe how cool these needles are.

It's even better than...

Ninja Warlord?!

I knew it! You're a secret knitter. You dumped me for her and her...

-alpaca!

-That's a lie.

Um... No, it's not.

I can't believe the betrayal. You said knitting was nafftastic.

It was. And then it wasn't.

And then I got hooked. What could I do? I'm sorry, OK? Forgive me?

-Never!

-What if I gave you this jumper I knitted

-for your arts-and-crafts assignment?

-Done. Just one thing...

Why has it got three arms?

IMOGEN GASPS

Call yourself a knitter? I don't think so.

No! What am I supposed to do without that convoluted cross-stitch design?

Let's never discuss this again.

Agreed.

OK. Arrest me.

-You what?

-I've done some really bad things in my time, but this...

This was a new low in the Jenkins catalogue of really low lows.

All right.

Anything you say can and will be taken down in evidence

and used against you. Forever.

OK, so here's the deal. I was supposed to show Dede

what a good friend I was by getting her the deputy head girl gig,

but I ended up getting it myself.

You're deputy head girl? That's brilliant!

I bribed my way into it.

Not brilliant.

I know, I was a total idiot, and I treated Dede so badly.

Well, just come clean to her.

-Even if I do, it's still not going to get her the job.

-Why not?

Cos this goes all the way to the top, Dad.

Megatron's the head girl and she's the one who took the bribe.

There must be rules behind these things.

-BELL RINGS

-OMLG, you're totalistically right!

BTW, you do know that's a Japanese click flasher light, don't you?

Thanks again, Dad. You're a genius.

And so, my girl, are you.

HE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY

Attention, please! Can we please get on with this meeting?

It can't start until both the head girl

and her deputy give their full attention.

Rule 68 of the head girl rule-book...

Looking for this?

"Come quick, Deeds. Professor Brian Cox is enjoying a Share-a-shake

"with Stephen Hawking in the diner."

-Yeah. That wasn't strictly...

-True? I know. How stupid do you think I am?

-You still came.

-Yah-huh. To hear your usual, garbled apology.

-Come on, then. Out with it.

-Can we please get on with this meeting?

Of course. Dede, take a seat.

I'm afraid rule 94 states that only head girls

and their deputies can attend head-of-department meetings.

That's a relief, cos Dede's the new deputy head girl.

-What?

-What?

-But she can't be. It's my decision.

Not if the current deputy quits the post. Rule 52.

"In such a case, the second choice deputy

-"immediately ascends to the post."

-But... But...

But you'd know that, seeing as this is your rule-book.

But you haven't quit the post.

I quit.

-Seriously?

-Yah-huh.

I'm sorry I've been such a stupid, selfish and ungenerous BFF, Deeds.

And besides, you worked so hard to get this job,

and I only bribed Megan into giving it to me.

-Sadie!

-Look, no matter who got what or how,

I'm not being lumbered with a deputy I didn't pick.

Rule 98, "I'M the head girl, so it's MY decision."

Well, you're not head girl any more, because according to rule 107,

"A head girl who actively brings the school into disrepute

"by engaging in larceny, felony or bribery,

"immediately forfeits her title, which then goes to her deputy."

-No way.

-No way.

-Way.

Congratulations, Deeds. You're the new head girl.

Zingon blasters! I'm the new head girl?

APPLAUSE

No...but, I... This is outrageous.

Beat it, Megan, before I throw this book at you. Literally.

I don't know what to say.

Say, "Thanks for realising what a idiot you've been, Sass,

"and how lucky you are to have a friend like me."

No! I can't take it any more!

Katy Perry or not, I can't possibly touch her corns.

-Katy Perry's corns?

-No! Miss V's.

Whilst you two have been blabbering on

about being deputy-headless girls,

I found out that Miss V has backstage passes to Katy's concert.

And I was going to upstage you by waving to you from the wings.

But nothing is worth that... That footsie-based terror.

MUSIC: PSYCHO-TYPE THEME

-Your loss, kitty-cat.

-That's it. There's no pity for the kitty.

Seeing as Megan's got my ticket,

which I should have given to you if I was any kind of friend,

I guess I could indulge in a little corn-rubbing to help you get there.

You work my verrucas and you can come to the concert, too.

Yay. Lucky me.

Wow. Katy's clearly got a wider fanbase than I first imagined.

Well, when you've been around for as long as he has,

you appeal to all sorts.

"He"? Um, the Perrymeister's a girl?

What are you talking about, you fools?

KT Perri is legendary banjo-playing Klyppoden folk-singer.

MISS V SIGHS Stuff your lug-holes.

He goes on for hours. In Klyppoden.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE SINGS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE

Kit!

Oh, look. Mistaken-identity o'clock. Must dash.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd