Bridesmaidamundo Sadie J


Bridesmaidamundo

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OMLG! You guys are not going to believe this.

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It is the most fabulicious, amazamungous, brilltastic...

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She's stuck in an infinite loop. Do something!

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-POWER DOWN SOUND

-Thanks. Anyway, you know my Auntie Shirley?

-The one who lives in LA.

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Yeah. Well, I haven't seen her in ten years.

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But she coming over here to get married to Earl,

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an actual real American guy.

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So?

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So, Dad's giving her away and I'm going to be her bridesmaid!

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MUSIC: The Wedding March

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Bridesmaid?! Oh, my Gaga.

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Proud o'clock! I've got goosebumps on my goosebumps already.

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I don't get it. What's the big deal about being a bridesmaid.

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Ex-squeeze me? You watched the Royal Wedding, obvs.

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No, it clashed with a Space Cargo marathon.

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Besides, it was just a feudalistic celebration

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of patriarchal hegemony.

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Enough with the mega words, Deeds.

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-Feast your eyes on total perfection.

-Who's that?

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Oh! Only Her Royal Hotness, Pippa Middleton.

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Princes Kate's more famous sister?

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The bridesmaid who stole the show... I mean, wedding.

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Oh! She is my style icon.

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I'm pretty sure Pippa wouldn't walk around

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-with her breakfast on her blazer.

-This is my new brooch.

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From zwapyourjunk.com. I am obsessed with the site.

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I give them broken blender and they give me...

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Sick on a pin?

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So anyway, perfect Pippa has made being a bridesmaid

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a big deal. Bridesmaidamundo readers even voted her

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number one bridesmaid of all time.

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I still don't get it. A whole magazine

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just about bridesmaids?

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Duh! They're the new brides.

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More than brides! The bride's a sideshow.

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Kit's right. I'd give my life savings to be in this magazine.

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Or you could save your 37p

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and just apply for the Bridesmaid Of The Month competition.

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MUSIC: The Wedding March

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BOTH SCREAM

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OMLG! All you have to do is send in a pic of you

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and your bride beside the bridal cart.

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The most bodacious bride wins a six-page spread.

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Yowsers! Even the stylist gets a demi-page.

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-But I don't have a...

-C'est moi?

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C'est bon!

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You know what, Kit? I feel like this is fate.

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MUSIC: The Wedding March

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It's practically in the bag, because it's going to be an LA wedding.

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Which means it's bound to be glitzilicious, glamtastic

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and bursting with A-list Hollywood style.

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HE GRUNTS

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-You've still got it, Sis.

-You've never had it, Bro.

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These guns don't quit.

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That's your aunt from LA? Where's the glitz? Where's the glam?

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-Where's the A-list Hollywood style?

-How was I supposed to know

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she'd gone biker bonkers in the last decade?

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Maybe Earl's more California cool.

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Oh! Sadie, Earl. Earl, Sadie.

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SCREECHING BRAKES CRASH!

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'Sup?

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It's Bigfoot in a bandana.

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How rocking is Sass

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going to look as my bridesmaid, Sweets?

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-Real rockin', I reckon.

-You're going to love your dress, baby girl.

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-You bought me a dress?

-You bought her a dress?

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As if!

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I MADE a dress.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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So?

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Er... Um...

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-It's a real one off.

-Not quite.

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It's an exact copy of mine.

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You're kidding, right?

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I don't believe it. The demi-page was almost in the bag(!)

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DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC

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-You what?

-Nothing, nothing. Except, er...

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No-o-o!

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# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys

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# Give me a break

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# They've got attitude, kind of cute

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# But when they're in trouble takes a girl to save the day

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# I'd love another girl around the place

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# Could you be here?

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# Someone to back me up so I always have the last word

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# I guess it's hard to be the only girl

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# In a boy's world

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# Girls, girls

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# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive mental attitude

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# Understanding, kind and sensitive don't want gratitude

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# I just don't want to be the only girl in a boy's world. #

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I refuse to tell Bridesmaidamundo I styled you in that.

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You think I want to wear this?!

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What is this?

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SHE GROANS

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PHONE RINGING

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-OMLG! Emergency.

-You're telling me there's an emergency.

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No, space emergency.

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I just found out that Tom Roberts, Captain Skylo from Space Cargo,

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my all-time hero, is doing a book signing in town.

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Today! Please say you'll come.

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-I need some moral support.

-No can do, Deeds.

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We have a clothing crisis over here. Every second you're on the line,

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you're taking me further away from my demi-page.

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Butt out, Kit! I'm not going anywhere

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until somebody agrees to come with me.

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Look, Deeds. Under normal circumstances, I would.

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It's just right now I'm wearing a bridesmaid's dress

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that even Gaga would find OTT.

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-PHONE BEEPING

-Babcock? It's the Kitster.

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Deedlebug needs a plus one

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-for her one-on-one with Captain...Pylo?

-Skylo!

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He's doing a book signing, you see.

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-Deeds would really appreciate it if you'd...

-Don't do it, Delia.

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Never meet your heroes.

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I met Matt Smith once

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and his grasp of string theory was rudimentary at best.

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How dare you compare Tom Roberts to such an upstart!

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Fine, it's your funeral.

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For your information, Mr Roberts has been in the role

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since the show started. Right up until...

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-ALL:

-It got cancelled.

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Right, that's it. I don't need any of you.

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None of you are fluent in Cargonian anyway.

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I will never understand the way of the nerd.

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Me neither. Now seriously, what are we going to do about my dre...

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-Mind the threads, lady!

-Don't pull it!

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-CLOTH RIPPING

-Cha-cha-fandango! I am such...

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A genius! Pass me the scissors, Kit Kat.

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I'll do a Stella McCartney makeover on it. By the time I'm done,

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it'll be Bridesmaidamundo-tastically fabulicious.

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Guys, I'm lookin' for a couple of wingmen for the wedding.

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BOTH: Say what?

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Kinda like pageboys.

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Pageboys?

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Oh, with powder blue velvet coats and ringlets?

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And stockings? Gross! No way!

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Shame.

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My pageboys were going to ride shotgun with me

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on the Harley to the church.

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Thought I might get them their own helmets and leathers too.

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-BOTH: I'll do it!

-Cool, here's the deal.

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-First you've got to promise to get me to the church on time.

-Done!

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Next, you got to swear to tell me

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when I get wind food in my dreads.

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-We swear.

-In fact, there's an onion ring in there now.

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Oh! Great, kid. You're a natural.

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Ah, tasty!

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Lastly, you got to take real good care

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of these here wedding rings.

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MUSIC: "Back In Black" by ACDC

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Without 'em, we ain't gettin' hitched.

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Do we have a deal?

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Deal!

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HE SIGHS

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-Oh!

-All right, sunshine.

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Out with it. I haven't got all day.

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Got to get old Betty here in tip-top shape for the wedding.

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That's just the problem.

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I'm not even invited to the wedding and I live here.

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Thought I was supposed to be part of the family.

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You ARE part of the family! Of course you're invited, bonehead!

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Well, I haven't had an official invite,

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like on a fancy piece of paper.

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A waste of fancy paper. We KNOW you're coming to the wedding.

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Oh, well that's all right then.

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Yeah. Not only are you invited, you also get a plus one.

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-I get a plus one too?

-No, just the one.

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No, I meant... Never mind.

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HE CHUCKLES

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-Brilliant!

-Well, now that's sorted, Let's do some work, shall we?

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-Pass me the combination wrench, will you?

-Er... No can do, sorry.

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-Why not?

-Duh!

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I've got my own combination to sort first.

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Pick my plus one for the wedding. This is going to take all day.

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There's no place like space.

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-Next crew member.

-Zingoblasters,

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I can't believe this is happening!

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I'm your number one fan.

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Sorry I brought so much for you to sign.

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First I was going to bring my Space Cargo annual

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but I couldn't decide which year,

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then the Skylo sword seemed like an obvious choice.

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But then the Narzog head was literally staring at me in the face.

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So, I thought I'd bring everything

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-because if you don't dare to leap...

-You can never learn to fly.

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Good call, cadet.

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Ah, he called me a cadet! You're so right, captain.

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It's kind of like that time when you tried to reverse

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the polarity of the gluon flow to the titanium core.

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Which reminds me, just how did you override the anti-matter failsafe?

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Yikes alert! Please don't ask about that sciencey stuff, poppet.

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-I never understood a word of the techno-babble.

-Really?

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Yuh to the huh! I'll tell you a Skylo secret. I couldn't learn it.

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I had to read it off idiot boards. What am I like? Such a duh-brain!

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Now, what would you like me to write on these?

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Erm...how about, "To Dede and friends at the Stephen Hawking Society."

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-Gotcha. And how do you spell that?

-Stephen Hawking?

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No, friends. Is it I before E? I can never remember!

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Right, OK, so, we had a minor, make that major, wardrobe malfunction.

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-It was Kit's fault!

-It was Sadie's fault!

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What are you talking about, sweets? I loves it.

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Seriously? Phew!

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Yeah, very, very nice.

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In fact, do you think you could change my dress to match?

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-Oh, no problem, girlfriend.

-Now that we've had one nice surprise today,

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I'm going to give you another. I introduce you to the beautiful...

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Betty!

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What is that...that...

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-..thing?!

-My wedding car, you noggin-head!

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-But that's not a wedding car.

-That's not even a CAR!

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You're never going to get into Bridesmaidamundo

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with THAT in the picture!

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MUSIC: "I Hear Bells (Wedding Bells)" by The Del Vikings

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A-a-a-a-a-agh!

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BOTH: Born to be wi-i-i-ild!

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Urgh-hurgh!

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Sorry, dude. We're just really, really chuffed.

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-No biggie. My part of the deal, right?

-Right.

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And we've totally got our side covered.

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-On it like a car bonnet.

-You will get to the church on time.

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And we're both on hair duties.

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And most importantly, each of us are taking extra-special,

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no doubt about it, 24-7 care of the rings.

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Problem?

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N-no problem.

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I must have, I must have left it back in the safe back at, erm...

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The house! With, er...mine!

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Glad to see they're taking their pageboy duties seriously, eh, Rog?

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Woof! Woof!

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I knew you guys weren't going to let me down.

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ROG WHINES

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Don't tell me. Tom Roberts didn't live up to the legend.

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Err...well, I mean, I wouldn't say...

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I knew it! Reality can be such a hard mistress, Delia.

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It's like Potter-mania.

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One minute you're traipsing up and down King's Cross,

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looking for platform nine and three quarters,

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the next you're in a smelly burger bar,

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wondering if wizards do exist at all!

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How dare you compare Skylo to that bespectacled pseudo-magician!

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For your information, Tom Roberts was amazing!

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I could barely tell him and Skylo apart.

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In fact, he's even devised his own anti-antimatter theory.

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-Really.

-Really, really?

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Really, really, really!

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Oh, enough with the reallys, guys!

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Now, does anybody know anybody who can pimp up a Peugeot

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in under...24 hours! I've got a Debbie old banger

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that needs a bodaciously banging makeover

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to get me into Bridesmaidamundo Magazine.

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-Say what?

-D'a-a-a-aw!

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Say nothing! She's wasting her time. Betty's just a skip on wheels.

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Give it up. The Bridesmaidamundo dream is over.

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-O-V-A-R-E!

-But I want it so badly.

-I'm sorry, this is already taken!

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-What?

-On zvapyourjunk.com!

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I give them a wobbly table and they give me all in one lycra bodysuit.

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It's fab! In fact, I am expecting them any minute,

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so keep your hands off the goods.

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Say, what'll you give me for a clapped out old car?

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BOTH: What are you doing?

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Duh! If I get rid of the car, then Dad'll have to get a new one.

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So, what'll you swap me for it?

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-Pfft!

-What was that?

-She said "Pfft!"

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OK, fine, just take it! Have it. No swaps. I don't want anything for it.

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I will think about it.

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But we don't have time for you to think about it.

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-Ohhhh!

-Told you it was Game Over. O-V-U!

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Not on my watch! I did not come this far.

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I have not worked this hard to not get my Bridesmaidamundo moment!

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As Gaga is my witness, I will never ride in that car!

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BOTH: How?

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Err, by wrecking it. Obvs! Come on.

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Look who I just bumped into, Deeds!

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Like an atom in the hadron particle collider, eh, Tom?

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Headlines particle what? Oh, my Lady Gaga! Coincidence alert!

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It's my number one fan. D'you know where I can find Vonda Vietsani?

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We're doing swapsies.

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This wedding is a total disaster.

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So true! You're obviously very stressed.

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Take a break and we'll cover for you.

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-We will?

-Yuh-huh!

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No, you don't understand, Sass. This is important. I've lost my mojo.

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Try and think where you last had it and go from there. OK, goodbye.

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No, no, my dating mojo. I've text Nisha, Danielle, Tina, Carly,

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Kimberley, Emma, Rachel, Ruby, Lindsey and Jodie. None of them

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have got back to me about being my plus one.

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I just don't understand why.

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Duh! Cos you haven't pressed Send! That's why!

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No way! Send.

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-OK, so now you've sent the same message to all of them.

-What?

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Good luck with that!

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OK, Kitty Kat, choose your weapon,

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because this old banger is officially getting trashed!

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Now go for it!

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You'll have to take me down first!

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Sadie! What are you doing?

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Look, I'm really sorry, Dad,

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it's just...I can't let this thing ruin my Bridesmaidamundo dream!

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And if I have to ride in that scrapheap challenge,

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then I'm sorry, I can't be your bridesmaid.

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-CHOKED WITH EMOTION:

-And I can't be your bridesmaid stylist.

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She does know about the car, right?

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Well, no. I never...

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Ohhh, nice one, Bonehead!

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Give Betty a buff, boyo!

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Come on, sweets. You've got a bit of catching up to do.

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'Oh, there she is! There's the bride to be! Say hello to the camera, Tru!'

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'Hello to the camera, Tru!'

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But, it's Mum.

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'Any words of wisdom for a single girl?

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'I don't want to be a bridesmaid forever.'

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'It'll happen when it happens, Shirley.

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'Just like it did for me and Steve-o. From the moment

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'I towed Old Betty here into the garage, it was fate.

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'Three mechanics had told me she was a write-off,

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'but Steve said he could save her, seeing as it was me.

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'Hey! What are you doing here?

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'I'm not supposed to see you till the church!

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'Give me a break, love, eh? How am I supposed to keep away

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'from this beautiful, beautiful creature?'

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'Hear, hear!'

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'You mad boys! One morning!

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'We've got our whole lives together, thanks to Betty.'

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'Aye. Good old Betty, eh?'

0:17:450:17:48

That car got you and Mum together?

0:17:520:17:54

I couldn't bear to get rid of it. Even when your mum died.

0:17:540:17:59

I'm so sorry, Dad. I didn't know.

0:17:590:18:02

You do now, sweets.

0:18:040:18:06

I just want my marriage to be as happy as my big bro's was.

0:18:080:18:15

So I thought starting it in the same car might help.

0:18:150:18:19

It will, I promise! It's going to be perfect-amundo!

0:18:200:18:25

Gingers' honour, guaranteed! That car is taking pride of place!

0:18:250:18:30

-OMLG, where's Betty?

-Betty?

0:18:370:18:41

Betty! The car!

0:18:410:18:43

Oh, yeah! Ms V took you up on that offer.

0:18:430:18:46

She just drove off in the rust-bucket.

0:18:460:18:48

-Oh, my...

-BOTH: Sadie?!

0:18:480:18:51

MUSIC: "Since You've Been Gone" by Rainbow

0:18:550:18:59

I don't believe it. Those rings have totally disappeared.

0:19:040:19:08

-We broke the deal.

-Earl will never want us for wingmen, now.

0:19:080:19:11

-Too right. He'll dump us and find replacements.

-Aww, man!

0:19:110:19:16

PING!

0:19:160:19:18

Jakey-boy, you're a genius! We just need to find replacement rings!

0:19:180:19:22

You know, those rings you've got, they're very nice.

0:19:240:19:27

Real nice for sure!

0:19:270:19:30

-What's with the accent?

-I don't know. I'm nervous!

0:19:300:19:32

Anyway, Jake here was just wondering where you got them

0:19:330:19:36

-because he wants to buy one for his girlfriend.

-Nan!

0:19:360:19:40

Erm, I meant his girlfriend's nan, obvs.

0:19:420:19:45

We got 'em at Candy's Superfine Store.

0:19:450:19:49

Great! And where is Candy's Superfine Store.

0:19:490:19:51

Duh! Las Vegas!

0:19:510:19:54

The only place in the world that sells 'em!

0:19:550:19:57

Pleasure doing swapsies with you, poppet.

0:20:000:20:03

The pleasure was all mine. It fits like a glove.

0:20:030:20:07

Until next time.

0:20:070:20:08

But, Mr Roberts, don't go!

0:20:080:20:10

You haven't finished telling us about how playing Skylo was nothing

0:20:100:20:13

compared to the hair commercial you did in Germany.

0:20:130:20:17

So true! At least with Gewuns Hair I got free samples!

0:20:170:20:20

Unlike Space Cargo, where I got to meet Professor Brian Cox.

0:20:200:20:23

Yawnsville!

0:20:230:20:25

You were in the Gewuns Hair commercial? No way.

0:20:250:20:28

Wa-a-y! Do you remember the jingle?

0:20:280:20:30

# If you want to get some bounce, bounce, bounce

0:20:300:20:32

# In your bonce, bonce, bonce Use Gewuns Hair! #

0:20:320:20:35

Stop, I can't take it any more! You've made your point, Babcock!

0:20:350:20:39

I should never have met my hero, OK? He's nothing like Captain Skylo,

0:20:390:20:42

and I'm a complete idiot for thinking he'd be anywhere near

0:20:420:20:46

as inspirational, dynamic or commanding as my idol!

0:20:460:20:50

But, I thought you were my number one fan?

0:20:500:20:52

Not any more! You're not a space hero! You're a bubble-brained actor!

0:20:520:20:56

-She has point.

-Miss V! Miss V! I need you to give me my car back!

0:20:560:21:01

Say what? First you beg me to take it, and now you beg for it back!

0:21:010:21:04

I know but I'll buy it back, I'll pay anything. Take my life savings.

0:21:040:21:09

-37 pence and half a piece of chewing gum.

-Take all of it.

0:21:110:21:14

You don't understand, that car brought my mum and dad together.

0:21:140:21:18

It has to be at the wedding. I didn't realise before but I do now.

0:21:180:21:21

It won't be the same without it.

0:21:210:21:24

Sadie Jenkins, you are a big schnoodle-brain...

0:21:240:21:27

but you have a big heart.

0:21:270:21:29

And I would be delighted to give you back your car.

0:21:290:21:31

Thank you!

0:21:310:21:33

Unfortunately, it's on its way to South America.

0:21:330:21:36

I am swapping it for a pair of Bolivian bongos!

0:21:360:21:41

SAMBA MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:410:21:43

-Can't a girl get a hobby these days?

-But there must be a way to stop it.

0:21:470:21:51

Only if you can get to the port in...five minutes.

0:21:510:21:55

-No!

-Perhaps I can help.

-ALL: How?

0:21:550:22:00

-Did you bring your spaceship?

-No! I may not be a real space captain,

0:22:000:22:05

but even bubble-brained actors can be heroes,

0:22:050:22:09

because if your heart is strong and true,

0:22:090:22:12

it will carry you to places you never even knew existed.

0:22:120:22:15

I have a high-speed moped outside.

0:22:150:22:17

So, navigator, if you'd care to plot a course, our mission is go!

0:22:170:22:21

Affirmative, Captain!

0:22:210:22:23

I cannot believe you didn't tell her about the car!

0:22:350:22:38

How was I supposed to know she was going to try and get rid of it!

0:22:380:22:41

-This whole thing is turning into a...

-Nightmare!

-Exactly!

0:22:410:22:44

-You don't understand...

-Not a good time, Keith.

0:22:440:22:47

-I just need to ask Shirley...

-Keith, I've said yes!

0:22:470:22:49

You've got an invite and a plus one!

0:22:490:22:51

I don't need a plus one. I need a plus six!

0:22:510:22:54

You can have a plus 25 for all I care!

0:23:000:23:04

I don't know if you've noticed, but there's not going to be a wedding

0:23:040:23:08

because I haven't got a car to take me to the church!

0:23:080:23:12

CAR HORN HONKS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"

0:23:120:23:16

Wrong!

0:23:160:23:17

-Ta-dah! I saved the wedding.

-BOTH: After you wrecked the wedding!

0:23:170:23:22

Details!

0:23:220:23:23

Come on, then. We got to get a move on, guys. Hey, guys!

0:23:270:23:31

What's with the civilian threads?

0:23:310:23:33

We got to get our helmets and leathers on!

0:23:330:23:35

-You tell him.

-No, you.

-You!

-You!

0:23:350:23:38

-Out with it!

-BOTH: We lost the rings!

0:23:380:23:41

One minute they were here, the next they were gone.

0:23:410:23:44

I don't suppose Roger was in the treehouse with you

0:23:440:23:47

when they mysteriously disappeared?

0:23:470:23:50

BOTH: I guess.

0:23:500:23:51

Well, in that case, he probably ate 'em!

0:23:510:23:55

ROGER WHINES

0:23:550:23:57

-BOTH: Huh?

-You do know the rings were made of candy?

0:23:570:24:00

Candy's Superfine Store!

0:24:000:24:04

Candy rings!

0:24:040:24:05

We brought a whole box of 'em back from the States!

0:24:050:24:09

BOTH: Yes!

0:24:090:24:10

We're wingmen again!

0:24:100:24:12

Come on then, Steve-o!

0:24:150:24:17

Let's rock and roll! See you at the church!

0:24:170:24:19

Not if I see you first!

0:24:190:24:22

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

0:24:220:24:25

Oh, don't do this to me. Not today.

0:24:270:24:30

ENGINE BACKFIRES ALL: Oh, no!

0:24:310:24:34

-Breakdown alert!

-I knew it was junk.

0:24:340:24:37

It's OK, I can fix it. I swear I can.

0:24:370:24:39

Hey, hey, look. Leave it, Sass.

0:24:460:24:49

You know, Old Betty was on her last legs as it was.

0:24:490:24:52

Perhaps it's time we let the old girl go, eh?

0:24:520:24:55

But it's Mum's car. It has to be at the wedding, it has to.

0:24:550:24:59

-I'm not giving up on you.

-We all wish your mum was here.

0:24:590:25:03

We don't need a car to remember her. Right, come on.

0:25:040:25:09

Bonkatron idea, I know, but you could bring the wedding to the car.

0:25:130:25:16

ALL: What?

0:25:160:25:18

Of course!

0:25:180:25:19

A Space Cargo captain is legally entitled

0:25:190:25:22

to perform a binding ceremony in any location in the multiverse.

0:25:220:25:26

Even in a garage.

0:25:260:25:29

Brilliant! Let's just do the show right here! Wedding. I mean wedding.

0:25:290:25:33

Those whom the Space Cargonian fleet has joined together, let no man,

0:25:350:25:40

woman or alien being, humanoid or otherwise, put asunder.

0:25:400:25:43

You may now demonstrate your affection according to the protocols

0:25:430:25:47

of your species and culture, as I pronounce you husband and wife.

0:25:470:25:51

THEY ALL CHEER

0:25:520:25:55

Come on, come on! She's about to throw the bouquet!

0:25:570:26:00

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:26:050:26:08

So, did I make Bridesmaid Of The Month?

0:26:240:26:28

Unfortulistically not.

0:26:280:26:30

But you did get a double-page spread in the Weirdest Wedding section!

0:26:300:26:36

Ah! No way!

0:26:360:26:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:380:26:41

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