Bridesmaidamundo Sadie J

OMLG! You guys are not going to believe this.

It is the most fabulicious, amazamungous, brilltastic...

She's stuck in an infinite loop. Do something!

-POWER DOWN SOUND

-Thanks. Anyway, you know my Auntie Shirley?

-The one who lives in LA.

Yeah. Well, I haven't seen her in ten years.

But she coming over here to get married to Earl,

an actual real American guy.

So?

So, Dad's giving her away and I'm going to be her bridesmaid!

MUSIC: The Wedding March

Bridesmaid?! Oh, my Gaga.

Proud o'clock! I've got goosebumps on my goosebumps already.

I don't get it. What's the big deal about being a bridesmaid.

Ex-squeeze me? You watched the Royal Wedding, obvs.

No, it clashed with a Space Cargo marathon.

Besides, it was just a feudalistic celebration

of patriarchal hegemony.

Enough with the mega words, Deeds.

-Feast your eyes on total perfection.

-Who's that?

Oh! Only Her Royal Hotness, Pippa Middleton.

Princes Kate's more famous sister?

The bridesmaid who stole the show... I mean, wedding.

Oh! She is my style icon.

I'm pretty sure Pippa wouldn't walk around

-with her breakfast on her blazer.

-This is my new brooch.

From zwapyourjunk.com. I am obsessed with the site.

I give them broken blender and they give me...

Sick on a pin?

So anyway, perfect Pippa has made being a bridesmaid

a big deal. Bridesmaidamundo readers even voted her

number one bridesmaid of all time.

I still don't get it. A whole magazine

just about bridesmaids?

Duh! They're the new brides.

More than brides! The bride's a sideshow.

Kit's right. I'd give my life savings to be in this magazine.

Or you could save your 37p

and just apply for the Bridesmaid Of The Month competition.

MUSIC: The Wedding March

BOTH SCREAM

OMLG! All you have to do is send in a pic of you

and your bride beside the bridal cart.

The most bodacious bride wins a six-page spread.

Yowsers! Even the stylist gets a demi-page.

-But I don't have a...

-C'est moi?

C'est bon!

You know what, Kit? I feel like this is fate.

MUSIC: The Wedding March

It's practically in the bag, because it's going to be an LA wedding.

Which means it's bound to be glitzilicious, glamtastic

and bursting with A-list Hollywood style.

HE GRUNTS

-You've still got it, Sis.

-You've never had it, Bro.

These guns don't quit.

That's your aunt from LA? Where's the glitz? Where's the glam?

-Where's the A-list Hollywood style?

-How was I supposed to know

she'd gone biker bonkers in the last decade?

Maybe Earl's more California cool.

Oh! Sadie, Earl. Earl, Sadie.

SCREECHING BRAKES CRASH!

'Sup?

It's Bigfoot in a bandana.

How rocking is Sass

going to look as my bridesmaid, Sweets?

-Real rockin', I reckon.

-You're going to love your dress, baby girl.

-You bought me a dress?

-You bought her a dress?

As if!

I MADE a dress.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

So?

Er... Um...

-It's a real one off.

-Not quite.

It's an exact copy of mine.

You're kidding, right?

I don't believe it. The demi-page was almost in the bag(!)

DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC

-You what?

-Nothing, nothing. Except, er...

No-o-o!

# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude, kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble takes a girl to save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place

# Could you be here?

# Someone to back me up so I always have the last word

# I guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boy's world

# Girls, girls

# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive mental attitude

# Understanding, kind and sensitive don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be the only girl in a boy's world. #

I refuse to tell Bridesmaidamundo I styled you in that.

You think I want to wear this?!

What is this?

SHE GROANS

PHONE RINGING

-OMLG! Emergency.

-You're telling me there's an emergency.

No, space emergency.

I just found out that Tom Roberts, Captain Skylo from Space Cargo,

my all-time hero, is doing a book signing in town.

Today! Please say you'll come.

-I need some moral support.

-No can do, Deeds.

We have a clothing crisis over here. Every second you're on the line,

you're taking me further away from my demi-page.

Butt out, Kit! I'm not going anywhere

until somebody agrees to come with me.

Look, Deeds. Under normal circumstances, I would.

It's just right now I'm wearing a bridesmaid's dress

that even Gaga would find OTT.

-PHONE BEEPING

-Babcock? It's the Kitster.

Deedlebug needs a plus one

-for her one-on-one with Captain...Pylo?

-Skylo!

He's doing a book signing, you see.

-Deeds would really appreciate it if you'd...

-Don't do it, Delia.

Never meet your heroes.

I met Matt Smith once

and his grasp of string theory was rudimentary at best.

How dare you compare Tom Roberts to such an upstart!

Fine, it's your funeral.

For your information, Mr Roberts has been in the role

since the show started. Right up until...

-ALL:

-It got cancelled.

Right, that's it. I don't need any of you.

None of you are fluent in Cargonian anyway.

I will never understand the way of the nerd.

Me neither. Now seriously, what are we going to do about my dre...

-Mind the threads, lady!

-Don't pull it!

-CLOTH RIPPING

-Cha-cha-fandango! I am such...

A genius! Pass me the scissors, Kit Kat.

I'll do a Stella McCartney makeover on it. By the time I'm done,

it'll be Bridesmaidamundo-tastically fabulicious.

Guys, I'm lookin' for a couple of wingmen for the wedding.

BOTH: Say what?

Kinda like pageboys.

Pageboys?

Oh, with powder blue velvet coats and ringlets?

And stockings? Gross! No way!

Shame.

My pageboys were going to ride shotgun with me

on the Harley to the church.

Thought I might get them their own helmets and leathers too.

-BOTH: I'll do it!

-Cool, here's the deal.

-First you've got to promise to get me to the church on time.

-Done!

Next, you got to swear to tell me

when I get wind food in my dreads.

-We swear.

-In fact, there's an onion ring in there now.

Oh! Great, kid. You're a natural.

Ah, tasty!

Lastly, you got to take real good care

of these here wedding rings.

MUSIC: "Back In Black" by ACDC

Without 'em, we ain't gettin' hitched.

Do we have a deal?

Deal!

HE SIGHS

-Oh!

-All right, sunshine.

Out with it. I haven't got all day.

Got to get old Betty here in tip-top shape for the wedding.

That's just the problem.

I'm not even invited to the wedding and I live here.

Thought I was supposed to be part of the family.

You ARE part of the family! Of course you're invited, bonehead!

Well, I haven't had an official invite,

like on a fancy piece of paper.

A waste of fancy paper. We KNOW you're coming to the wedding.

Oh, well that's all right then.

Yeah. Not only are you invited, you also get a plus one.

-I get a plus one too?

-No, just the one.

No, I meant... Never mind.

HE CHUCKLES

-Brilliant!

-Well, now that's sorted, Let's do some work, shall we?

-Pass me the combination wrench, will you?

-Er... No can do, sorry.

-Why not?

-Duh!

I've got my own combination to sort first.

Pick my plus one for the wedding. This is going to take all day.

There's no place like space.

-Next crew member.

-Zingoblasters,

I can't believe this is happening!

I'm your number one fan.

Sorry I brought so much for you to sign.

First I was going to bring my Space Cargo annual

but I couldn't decide which year,

then the Skylo sword seemed like an obvious choice.

But then the Narzog head was literally staring at me in the face.

So, I thought I'd bring everything

-because if you don't dare to leap...

-You can never learn to fly.

Good call, cadet.

Ah, he called me a cadet! You're so right, captain.

It's kind of like that time when you tried to reverse

the polarity of the gluon flow to the titanium core.

Which reminds me, just how did you override the anti-matter failsafe?

Yikes alert! Please don't ask about that sciencey stuff, poppet.

-I never understood a word of the techno-babble.

-Really?

Yuh to the huh! I'll tell you a Skylo secret. I couldn't learn it.

I had to read it off idiot boards. What am I like? Such a duh-brain!

Now, what would you like me to write on these?

Erm...how about, "To Dede and friends at the Stephen Hawking Society."

-Gotcha. And how do you spell that?

-Stephen Hawking?

No, friends. Is it I before E? I can never remember!

Right, OK, so, we had a minor, make that major, wardrobe malfunction.

-It was Kit's fault!

-It was Sadie's fault!

What are you talking about, sweets? I loves it.

Seriously? Phew!

Yeah, very, very nice.

In fact, do you think you could change my dress to match?

-Oh, no problem, girlfriend.

-Now that we've had one nice surprise today,

I'm going to give you another. I introduce you to the beautiful...

Betty!

What is that...that...

-..thing?!

-My wedding car, you noggin-head!

-But that's not a wedding car.

-That's not even a CAR!

You're never going to get into Bridesmaidamundo

with THAT in the picture!

MUSIC: "I Hear Bells (Wedding Bells)" by The Del Vikings

A-a-a-a-a-agh!

BOTH: Born to be wi-i-i-ild!

Urgh-hurgh!

Sorry, dude. We're just really, really chuffed.

-No biggie. My part of the deal, right?

-Right.

And we've totally got our side covered.

-On it like a car bonnet.

-You will get to the church on time.

And we're both on hair duties.

And most importantly, each of us are taking extra-special,

no doubt about it, 24-7 care of the rings.

Problem?

N-no problem.

I must have, I must have left it back in the safe back at, erm...

The house! With, er...mine!

Glad to see they're taking their pageboy duties seriously, eh, Rog?

Woof! Woof!

I knew you guys weren't going to let me down.

ROG WHINES

Don't tell me. Tom Roberts didn't live up to the legend.

Err...well, I mean, I wouldn't say...

I knew it! Reality can be such a hard mistress, Delia.

It's like Potter-mania.

One minute you're traipsing up and down King's Cross,

looking for platform nine and three quarters,

the next you're in a smelly burger bar,

wondering if wizards do exist at all!

How dare you compare Skylo to that bespectacled pseudo-magician!

For your information, Tom Roberts was amazing!

I could barely tell him and Skylo apart.

In fact, he's even devised his own anti-antimatter theory.

-Really.

-Really, really?

Really, really, really!

Oh, enough with the reallys, guys!

Now, does anybody know anybody who can pimp up a Peugeot

in under...24 hours! I've got a Debbie old banger

that needs a bodaciously banging makeover

to get me into Bridesmaidamundo Magazine.

-Say what?

-D'a-a-a-aw!

Say nothing! She's wasting her time. Betty's just a skip on wheels.

Give it up. The Bridesmaidamundo dream is over.

-O-V-A-R-E!

-But I want it so badly.

-I'm sorry, this is already taken!

-What?

-On zvapyourjunk.com!

I give them a wobbly table and they give me all in one lycra bodysuit.

It's fab! In fact, I am expecting them any minute,

so keep your hands off the goods.

Say, what'll you give me for a clapped out old car?

BOTH: What are you doing?

Duh! If I get rid of the car, then Dad'll have to get a new one.

So, what'll you swap me for it?

-Pfft!

-What was that?

-She said "Pfft!"

OK, fine, just take it! Have it. No swaps. I don't want anything for it.

I will think about it.

But we don't have time for you to think about it.

-Ohhhh!

-Told you it was Game Over. O-V-U!

Not on my watch! I did not come this far.

I have not worked this hard to not get my Bridesmaidamundo moment!

As Gaga is my witness, I will never ride in that car!

BOTH: How?

Err, by wrecking it. Obvs! Come on.

Look who I just bumped into, Deeds!

Like an atom in the hadron particle collider, eh, Tom?

Headlines particle what? Oh, my Lady Gaga! Coincidence alert!

It's my number one fan. D'you know where I can find Vonda Vietsani?

We're doing swapsies.

This wedding is a total disaster.

So true! You're obviously very stressed.

Take a break and we'll cover for you.

-We will?

-Yuh-huh!

No, you don't understand, Sass. This is important. I've lost my mojo.

Try and think where you last had it and go from there. OK, goodbye.

No, no, my dating mojo. I've text Nisha, Danielle, Tina, Carly,

Kimberley, Emma, Rachel, Ruby, Lindsey and Jodie. None of them

have got back to me about being my plus one.

I just don't understand why.

Duh! Cos you haven't pressed Send! That's why!

No way! Send.

-OK, so now you've sent the same message to all of them.

-What?

Good luck with that!

OK, Kitty Kat, choose your weapon,

because this old banger is officially getting trashed!

Now go for it!

You'll have to take me down first!

Sadie! What are you doing?

Look, I'm really sorry, Dad,

it's just...I can't let this thing ruin my Bridesmaidamundo dream!

And if I have to ride in that scrapheap challenge,

then I'm sorry, I can't be your bridesmaid.

-CHOKED WITH EMOTION:

-And I can't be your bridesmaid stylist.

She does know about the car, right?

Well, no. I never...

Ohhh, nice one, Bonehead!

Give Betty a buff, boyo!

Come on, sweets. You've got a bit of catching up to do.

'Oh, there she is! There's the bride to be! Say hello to the camera, Tru!'

'Hello to the camera, Tru!'

But, it's Mum.

'Any words of wisdom for a single girl?

'I don't want to be a bridesmaid forever.'

'It'll happen when it happens, Shirley.

'Just like it did for me and Steve-o. From the moment

'I towed Old Betty here into the garage, it was fate.

'Three mechanics had told me she was a write-off,

'but Steve said he could save her, seeing as it was me.

'Hey! What are you doing here?

'I'm not supposed to see you till the church!

'Give me a break, love, eh? How am I supposed to keep away

'from this beautiful, beautiful creature?'

'Hear, hear!'

'You mad boys! One morning!

'We've got our whole lives together, thanks to Betty.'

'Aye. Good old Betty, eh?'

That car got you and Mum together?

I couldn't bear to get rid of it. Even when your mum died.

I'm so sorry, Dad. I didn't know.

You do now, sweets.

I just want my marriage to be as happy as my big bro's was.

So I thought starting it in the same car might help.

It will, I promise! It's going to be perfect-amundo!

Gingers' honour, guaranteed! That car is taking pride of place!

-OMLG, where's Betty?

-Betty?

Betty! The car!

Oh, yeah! Ms V took you up on that offer.

She just drove off in the rust-bucket.

-Oh, my...

-BOTH: Sadie?!

MUSIC: "Since You've Been Gone" by Rainbow

I don't believe it. Those rings have totally disappeared.

-We broke the deal.

-Earl will never want us for wingmen, now.

-Too right. He'll dump us and find replacements.

-Aww, man!

PING!

Jakey-boy, you're a genius! We just need to find replacement rings!

You know, those rings you've got, they're very nice.

Real nice for sure!

-What's with the accent?

-I don't know. I'm nervous!

Anyway, Jake here was just wondering where you got them

-because he wants to buy one for his girlfriend.

-Nan!

Erm, I meant his girlfriend's nan, obvs.

We got 'em at Candy's Superfine Store.

Great! And where is Candy's Superfine Store.

Duh! Las Vegas!

The only place in the world that sells 'em!

Pleasure doing swapsies with you, poppet.

The pleasure was all mine. It fits like a glove.

Until next time.

But, Mr Roberts, don't go!

You haven't finished telling us about how playing Skylo was nothing

compared to the hair commercial you did in Germany.

So true! At least with Gewuns Hair I got free samples!

Unlike Space Cargo, where I got to meet Professor Brian Cox.

Yawnsville!

You were in the Gewuns Hair commercial? No way.

Wa-a-y! Do you remember the jingle?

# If you want to get some bounce, bounce, bounce

# In your bonce, bonce, bonce Use Gewuns Hair! #

Stop, I can't take it any more! You've made your point, Babcock!

I should never have met my hero, OK? He's nothing like Captain Skylo,

and I'm a complete idiot for thinking he'd be anywhere near

as inspirational, dynamic or commanding as my idol!

But, I thought you were my number one fan?

Not any more! You're not a space hero! You're a bubble-brained actor!

-She has point.

-Miss V! Miss V! I need you to give me my car back!

Say what? First you beg me to take it, and now you beg for it back!

I know but I'll buy it back, I'll pay anything. Take my life savings.

-37 pence and half a piece of chewing gum.

-Take all of it.

You don't understand, that car brought my mum and dad together.

It has to be at the wedding. I didn't realise before but I do now.

It won't be the same without it.

Sadie Jenkins, you are a big schnoodle-brain...

but you have a big heart.

And I would be delighted to give you back your car.

Thank you!

Unfortunately, it's on its way to South America.

I am swapping it for a pair of Bolivian bongos!

SAMBA MUSIC PLAYS

-Can't a girl get a hobby these days?

-But there must be a way to stop it.

Only if you can get to the port in...five minutes.

-No!

-Perhaps I can help.

-ALL: How?

-Did you bring your spaceship?

-No! I may not be a real space captain,

but even bubble-brained actors can be heroes,

because if your heart is strong and true,

it will carry you to places you never even knew existed.

I have a high-speed moped outside.

So, navigator, if you'd care to plot a course, our mission is go!

Affirmative, Captain!

I cannot believe you didn't tell her about the car!

How was I supposed to know she was going to try and get rid of it!

-This whole thing is turning into a...

-Nightmare!

-Exactly!

-You don't understand...

-Not a good time, Keith.

-I just need to ask Shirley...

-Keith, I've said yes!

You've got an invite and a plus one!

I don't need a plus one. I need a plus six!

You can have a plus 25 for all I care!

I don't know if you've noticed, but there's not going to be a wedding

because I haven't got a car to take me to the church!

CAR HORN HONKS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"

Wrong!

-Ta-dah! I saved the wedding.

-BOTH: After you wrecked the wedding!

Details!

Come on, then. We got to get a move on, guys. Hey, guys!

What's with the civilian threads?

We got to get our helmets and leathers on!

-You tell him.

-No, you.

-You!

-You!

-Out with it!

-BOTH: We lost the rings!

One minute they were here, the next they were gone.

I don't suppose Roger was in the treehouse with you

when they mysteriously disappeared?

BOTH: I guess.

Well, in that case, he probably ate 'em!

ROGER WHINES

-BOTH: Huh?

-You do know the rings were made of candy?

Candy's Superfine Store!

Candy rings!

We brought a whole box of 'em back from the States!

BOTH: Yes!

We're wingmen again!

Come on then, Steve-o!

Let's rock and roll! See you at the church!

Not if I see you first!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Oh, don't do this to me. Not today.

ENGINE BACKFIRES ALL: Oh, no!

-Breakdown alert!

-I knew it was junk.

It's OK, I can fix it. I swear I can.

Hey, hey, look. Leave it, Sass.

You know, Old Betty was on her last legs as it was.

Perhaps it's time we let the old girl go, eh?

But it's Mum's car. It has to be at the wedding, it has to.

-I'm not giving up on you.

-We all wish your mum was here.

We don't need a car to remember her. Right, come on.

Bonkatron idea, I know, but you could bring the wedding to the car.

ALL: What?

Of course!

A Space Cargo captain is legally entitled

to perform a binding ceremony in any location in the multiverse.

Even in a garage.

Brilliant! Let's just do the show right here! Wedding. I mean wedding.

Those whom the Space Cargonian fleet has joined together, let no man,

woman or alien being, humanoid or otherwise, put asunder.

You may now demonstrate your affection according to the protocols

of your species and culture, as I pronounce you husband and wife.

THEY ALL CHEER

Come on, come on! She's about to throw the bouquet!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

So, did I make Bridesmaid Of The Month?

Unfortulistically not.

But you did get a double-page spread in the Weirdest Wedding section!

Ah! No way!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE