Beaudelicious Sadie J

'Hey, peeps. Remember Taylor?'

He's my perfect guy.

'Oh, yeah, and Ashley's too.'

OMLG, the poor guy is dating a monster.

-Don't talk to me.

-'Things weren't quite... Well, you'll see.'

What's up with him?

How were you to know he asked me to go back out with him?

Say what?

There is no way I'm getting into that costume with Taylor Bell.

-Then I'll take Taylor's place.

-Fine, whatever.

I really, really like Taylor but if he doesn't like me, then that's OK.

You can't help who you fall in love with, after all.

It's game over now cos he's asked moose head Ashley back out.

No, I haven't.

'But then...'

SCREAMING AND CHEERING

-Just go with it.

-I intend to.

'And now we're abso-totalistically,

'amaze-a-mungously in...'

-Guess what?

-Oh.

It's my 18th birthday on Saturday.

-You don't say.

-Steve-O's throwing me a birthday bash.

It's going to be awesome.

Box's DJing, Spanner's beat boxing, even Danny and Jake

are doing me a little B-day rap duet.

Hope you guys are going to be there to help me "partay".

-Sure.

-Yeah.

-Coolio.

You do know what this party is, don't you?

Yeah, it's Keith's birthday party. I thought we just established this.

No, Sass, it's the perfect time to tell your dad we're dating.

You've kept him in the dark for way too long.

OMGB, Taylor, that's such a good idea.

I mean, it's brill-tastic, perfect-a-mundo, mega-mungulously...

Horrific! I can't tell my dad we're dating.

He got freaked out when I bought a Bieber doll.

He thinks Taylor's a BFF like Kit, not an actual BF.

He'll go totally OTT!

OK, enough with the acronyms already.

Look, Deeds, as soon as my dad finds out he'll call Taylor a wrong 'un,

a bad boy, a rat who will break my heart.

I know what he's like.

I'm his baby girl, his bundle of joy. His two eyes, his world.

-What about Danny?

-Oh, yeah, he likes him too, obviously.

But there's no way he's going to accept his little princess is

growing up and has a boyfriend.

Steve has never called you his little princess.

-His little grease monkey maybe.

-Am I just splitting hairs?

-I'm facing a giganticus disaster this Saturday.

-This Saturday?

-No, I wanted you to spend that day with me. It's my birth...

-Deeds, focus on me.

-Oh!

Look, Sass, Steve is like the coolest dad ever.

He eats curry for breakfast and watches Strictly. He dances to Wham!

and knows all the words to Born This Way.

When he found out you bought Zombie Slayer 3 online,

he borrowed it off you. He's not going to care about you dating.

Yeah, you're right. I mean, he won't care at all.

Cos he's cool, dating is hip and he's hip.

-He's also right here!

-OK, so about my birth...

Hey, Daddy-O, Cool Boy, Mr...Chill.

What do you think of dating?

Dating? No. Awful.

Terrible. Don't do it. Never do it. I don't.

It's just wrong, on every level. No.

OK, guys, you know the drill.

NOO-OOOO-OOO!

# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude Kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble tricks are good

# To save the day to save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place

# Could you be her?

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# I guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boys' world

# Girl, girl

# In a boys'...

# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive

# Mental attitude

# Understanding, kind of sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't wanna be the only girl

# In a boys' world. #

"Come see our new collection of images from the...

"Magdelenic cloud galaxy?"

-Magellanic. How amazing!

-How boring!

It's my birthday on Saturday

-so I'm getting all-day passes for all my friends.

-Yikes.

Lame-oid alert.

Actually, the museum is fascinating.

Actually I wasn't calling the museum lame-oid.

Organising your own B-day is. Lose-a-tron.

Miss V, do you think organising your own birthday celebrations

is lame-oid?

100% lame-oid, with little sprinkles of lame-oid on top.

I assume you're asking

because you've heard about my new party planning business

and are considering using my services.

Vonda's Va Va Voom Dating Agency?

Wrong card.

It's just a little start-up. One has to diversify in this economy.

I do everything, from little tea parties

to fireworks and a ventriloquist.

Gottle of gear.

Gottle of gear.

I'm working on it.

Actually, if you want to see what I can really do,

come to the diner on Saturday.

I'm planning a very special birthday bash for that very special someone.

But who?

OMLG, it must be me!

-Me who?

-Me nobody.

-Just singing, "Me, me, me."

-Well, don't.

The Dad/Taylor date situation just went nuclear.

He actually thinks dating is wrong on every level.

Don't do it, never do it. I don't. It's just wrong.

So I need some serious advice from a serious problem solver. Where's Kit?

In the bathroom, where he's been the entire morning.

Just admiring my goat-ay in the mirr-ar.

Yes, ladies and gargoyles, the Kitty Kat has hit "maturite".

That's "maturity" in Italian.

French.

What she said.

My voice has dropped, my pecs have popped

and I've finally grown facial hair.

I am "un hombre."

A man.

Um, OK, man, look, I really need your help -

I haven't told Dad about the Taylor situation.

Save it, Sass. The Deed-o-poll has told me all about it.

You haven't told your Daddy-O that Tay-Tay's your BF.

-Exact-a-mundo, what do I do?

-Suck it up. Face your fears.

So you've got a beau, I've got a beard.

I don't mourn the passing of my youth.

Much. It's time to be grown-up and own up.

We're young adults now and what would a young adult do?

Hmm.

HE GASPS

You told Keith we'll do a birthday rap duet at his party?

No way, no how, no go. I am never doing that.

It's either that or we take back Nina War Lord 4: Warrior Blood

and use the cash to buy Keith a present.

# Hey, Keithy boy you're his dad's apprentice

# You help him out but not like his dentist

# Hey, Keithy man you're like a big brother

# That means you look after us but not like our mother. #

-We're on...

-That's not my birthday rap, is it?

-No!

-Yes.

-He means, "Yes, it's not."

-Good, cos that was rubbish.

By the way, your tea's ready.

OMLG, we've got to learn how to rap before Saturday.

-The alternative is already making me cringe.

-But how?

-I don't know.

Read the A To The Jay-Z Of Rap. Download a quick Kanye course.

Basically find a rap expert.

# I'm so fly I ain't never take the train

# Lyrics so phat everybody knows my name

# DJ Max. #

Now that's what I'm talking about!

Enjoy!

Hang on, you dragged us all the way down here for shakes?

I thought you were heading towards a giganticus disaster with Taylor

-and your dad.

-Look, Deeds, we're all growing up.

We're all young adults now,

so I'm going to deal with this like a young adult.

-So you're going to tell your dad the truth about you and Taylor then?

-No!

Lie, obviously.

Haven't you seen Gossip Girl?

-All young adults lie.

-I hear that, sister.

-Sadie.

-Look, Deeds,

if I tell my dad about Taylor he is going to go bonkerlistically mad.

And he'll call Taylor a wrong 'un, a bad boy,

a rat who will break my heart.

So isn't it best for everyone if I tell Taylor Saturday's cancelled

and he can go to the burger ball with his mates instead?

-Saturday? But Taylor can't miss my...

-I got your message. What's up?

-It's about Saturday.

-Keith's birthday party?

Keith's birthday party?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Oh, "Keith's" birthday party.

You're going to be there, right?

You have to be there. I'm trimming my goatee especially.

I'll be there all right.

I cancelled my trip to the science museum especially.

So look, about Saturday, it's going to be...

It's going to be awesome!

I can't wait to meet your dad as your BF and not your BFF.

It's a real sign of how serious we are, Sass.

You're really special to me.

Well...

I couldn't still do the lie thing, could I?

Thought not.

You know what's going to be awesome about this party, don't you?

The music. And do you know what else?

The people.

-In fact, the whole vibe is just going to rock.

-Crimpers.

It is.

Give me the crimpers.

Oh, sorry, boss.

Cheers for sorting all this out, by the way. I really appreciate it.

Don't really know how to thank you,

but it's really important you know how much this means to me.

You can make a speech on the day.

Right, listen, come here, hold the crimpers here carefully.

-A speech?

-That's it, you hold that.

You're right.

It'll be like The King's Speech.

Only it'll be The Keith Speech.

-Great. Shall we get back to work now?

-You're joking.

The speech is going to take all day to write.

OK, it's time to bite the bullet

or be shot by it. One or the other.

Wish me luck, people.

-FROM TV:

-Mario Balotelli or Wayne Rooney...

TV GOES OFF

Hey, what you doing? Nobody turns off the Clarkson mid-spiel, man.

-We need to talk.

-We do?

-About dating.

-Say what?

-There's something you need to know.

-I knew it.

-You did?

-Did I ever.

-So you already know? Oh, cringe.

-That you knew, yes.

-Huh?

-About Beverley.

-Beverley?

Yes, my friend who's a girl.

Well, girlfriend, if you will.

Least I think she is. I should ask her.

Anyway, as soon as you mentioned dating this morning I was like,

"Sadie's onto us, Bev." I didn't mean to keep it from you, love,

-it just sort of happened. It's only been a few months.

-Months?

Did I say months?

Oh, 16 weeks, 4 days...

7 hours and 10 minutes, not that I'm counting.

It's just that...

I was worried sick what I would tell you. I knew I wanted to and had to.

What with Bev coming to the party on Saturday and everything.

Let me get this straight.

My dad is dating.

OM-Girlfriend!

# Yo yo, Keith, you're not a thief you're a mechanic

# And that rhymes with giant. #

Stop, stop, stop. That's more Jedward than Jay-Z.

I was rhyming. Isn't that the first rule of rapping?

-The first rule is rapping is "there is no rule."

-But that's a rule.

-So there is one.

-Just let him speak.

Rapping ain't about words on paper, it's about what's in here.

-Your cardigan?

-Your heart, man.

-So you say what you feel? Not just what rhymes?

-Now you're cooking.

The Jakester he sees it, the Jakester believes it.

# It ain't about fun or trying to be cool

# It ain't about me looking better than you

# It's just about heart and it's just about soul

# Wow, man, you get me This guy's on a roll. #

Wow, you're right, Danny. This guy is awesome.

One double cream, shaka-laka shake, no cream, extra wheat grass

and one meat feast buffalo burger - no meat, just a bun.

Mind my thank you speech.

Really? A large tip is just fine.

It's not for you.

It's just a little something I'm putting together

for my party on Saturday, which I'm NOT organising myself.

-Sadie is.

-But it's Keith's party on Saturday.

Oh, my mistake, it's "Keith's" party, obviously.

Have you got a twitch?

Coming through, coming through, girl in a funk.

What are you looking at, moose face?

I don't know, but it's wearing last season's shades.

I take it your dad wasn't pleased with the boyfriend situation.

-She never got to tell him.

-Why not?

Because we were too busy discussing his girlfriend situation.

No way!

Way! Girlfriend.

Eugh, what's that smell?

Oh, guilty.

Now I'm a man who shaves, I need aftershave.

It's called Roar Splash. There's a picture of a lion on the bottle.

ROAR OF LION

It's just hideous!

Are we talking about Steve's girlfriend or Kit's aftershave now?

Her name is Beverley, apparently.

She runs a hair salon and nail bar called Curls And Cuticles

which is where they met, even though my dad has no hair.

OK, quotation mark overload. So what's the problem?

The problem is, she's clearly a wrong 'un, a bad girl,

a minx who will break his heart.

Everything you said your dad would say about Taylor then.

It's totally different!

-Ish.

-And you know all this about her because...?

Because I do. Call it women's intuition.

More like a child's overreaction.

Fine, I'll prove it.

And you must be Gail.

Yeah. Gail. That's me.

Gail Force.

-Interesting name.

-Hmm.

What? I got flustered making the booking.

I'm Beverley. But you can call me Sensational.

Fabulous will do.

-Wowsers, confident much?

-Anyway, what can I do for you?

Buff, scrub, polish, pinkie polish, French polish?

Um, the works. Anything that'll keep her talking.

# I'm the Jakester but you can call me Jake

# I ain't no gangster I'm doing love but not hate

# I'm the Maxster the little triple-A charge

# I'm a dub star and when I play I play hard. #

OK, OK, enough.

-What's happened to you?

-I just found my inner rapper.

Well, can you pull him back, please?

We're supposed to be doing the rap duet together, not you two.

-I'm just going with the flow, man.

-It's not working for me, man.

-Listen, he needs to go.

-But you brought him here in the first place.

-He's your friend!

-I know, I know.

I'll tell him to go and I'll unfriend him.

-I was wrong, we can do this on our own!

-Nuh-uh.

I'm only rapping if Max raps.

I don't want to look like a total numpkin on Saturday.

Hang on a second. So you're choosing him over me?

No, I just meant...

Go then. Both of you out!

-Is he for real, man?

-Danny, don't do this.

It's done. Now go.

-Are you seeing anyone, Bev?

-Is it that obvious?

I've just had this totally loved-up sparkle about me ever since

-I've met him.

-TMI.

-It's great because he's a mechanic.

So you can get your car fixed for free, yeah,

-so you can really take advantage?

-No, cos I can see him a lot more.

He's his own boss, like me.

So, what about his daughter?

I mean, his kids, assuming he's got kids, what with him being,

you know...old?

I haven't met them yet.

Cos you hate kids, think they'll get in the way? A nuisance?

And as soon as you meet us... I mean them,

you'll dump us... I mean, him?

No, course not, I adore kids.

We just haven't found the right time to do the intros, you know?

Anyway, enough about me, Gail. What about you? Have you got a boyfriend?

Well, I mean, there is my boyfriend Taylor

and he's just the most gorgeous guy ever.

I mean, we're not talking normal gorgeous,

we're talking could-be-in-a-boy-band,

out-of-this-world gorgeous, move aside, One Direction.

And he's so sweet and so kind and, oh, so unbelievably funny. I mean...

He sounds smashing. All done.

Great, thank you!

OMLG, Bev is amazing,

she totes adores my dad and she's such a good listener.

In fact, she's perfect stepmum-a-mondo material.

-Do you want me to trim the ends of that weave, poppet?

-Huh?

-This isn't a weave.

-There's nothing to be ashamed of, darling.

-I ain't seen my real hair since 2002.

-No!

WHIRRING

-Gail!

-Wowsers!

Must dash!

What do you think to this for my speech?

OK, fire away.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen... CLEARS THROAT

I'd like to say a few words.

-Which are?

-I haven't got that far yet.

You've been working on it since yesterday!

I know, but I'm really worried about saying the wrong thing,

like, do I thank my nan even though she won't be there

-cos she's in Magaluf?

-That'll be a no.

-But then Brenda,

her neighbour, is going and what if she tells her I didn't say nothing?

-And what about Sadie and Danny?

-What about them?

If I thank them, I can't leave their friends out

and if I thank their friends, my friends will get the hump.

I think I've got speech fright.

Don't say a speech!

Oh, I can't do that, not after all the trouble you've gone to.

Like you said, I'm an adult now - I have to do this.

Shall we cancel the party so I don't have to?

I met Bev and she's totalistically amazing

and then I accidentally trashed her salon.

She has a salon? I thought it was a nail bar.

Does she trim goatees?

That's not the point! Besides, you don't even have a goatee,

you've got like two hairs!

-Oh! Oh!

-Goatee gone!

You... You follicle assassins!

Oh, I am such a muppet. There's only one thing I can do now.

Apologise to Bev, profusely?

Avoid her! Until they split up.

-Which means no party for me on Saturday.

-You're kidding, right?

You have to be at my party.

For the love of Gaga, Deeds, it's Keith's party!

Chillax, Sass, I won't spoil the surprise.

I know you know it's my birthday on Saturday

and I know you've asked Miss V to plan a party.

Why do you think I've been writing an enormous thank you speech all week?

By the way, I left a copy in your room.

Could you read it to see if it's too long?

I'm happy with the 4,000 word count

but some people might think it's indulgent.

Wait, it's your birthday? On Saturday?

I mean, phew-ew! Busted!

Course it's your birthday on Saturday - I've been planning

your surprise party.

Keith, please, I'm begging you,

-you have to share your birthday party with Deeds on Saturday.

-No.

-This is a grown-up party. I'm 18, she's 16.

-Hang on a second.

You forgot Dede's birthday? You're one bad BFF.

Doesn't surprise me, though. All friends turn on you at some point.

The backstabbing backstabbers.

Dude, you are seriously not helping matters.

Look, Keith, please, I've already completely alienated

dad's new girlfriend and I've follicly undermined Kit.

If Dede finds out I've forgotten her birthday, I'm dead meat.

-With everyone!

-Well, tough.

-Keith, please!

She's written a 14-page thank you speech, for Gaga's sake!

Oh, well, now you say that I wouldn't want to ruin

Dede's special day.

Yes!

Everybody.

This is my, um...

my girlfriend, well, my friend who happens to be a girl.

A woman. Obviously.

-Beverley.

-No!

-Bev, this is Danny.

-Hi.

-This is Keith.

-All right.

And this is Sadie.

Gail Force! She trashed my salon!

I wanted to make sure Bev was right for you.

For us, for everyone.

Besides, she's the first person you've dated since...

Since your mum died.

Well, I, for one, would have done exactly the same thing.

Except I probably wouldn't have trashed the salon.

And I probably would have worn a better wig.

I'm so sorry, Sass.

I should have handled this better.

I should have told you from the off.

I'm still finding my feet when it comes to this dating thingy.

It's cool.

We are cool, eh?

Yuh-huh.

I love a little family bonding.

So, when am I going to meet this lovely boyfriend of yours?

Boyfriend?

He's banned Taylor from the house.

-Ouch. That's harsh.

-Until he's 50.

-And he's grounded me so I can't see Taylor.

-But why?

He kept his girlfriend secret.

Yes, but apparently I lied about Taylor

whereas he omitted to tell me about Bev.

Wow. You're dad should be in politics, not mechanics.

So, Kit, thoughts?

Oh, I'm still giving you the silent treatment.

Then why did you pick up the phone, you muppet?

MUSIC: "All by Myself" by Celine Dion

HE MIMES WORDS # All by myself

# Don't wanna be

# All by myself... #

MUSIC STOPS

Hey, Dad. Yo, Bev. How's it going?

Good.

-Your dad says you're missing your little friend.

-Who, Jake?

You're out there, you crazy woman.

I haven't thought about him in ages.

Then why have you got a Jake made out of cushions

in the middle of the sofa?

I can't take it any more. I want the Jakester back.

Aww. He hasn't gone anywhere. He's still your mate.

Of course he is.

Well, then, how come he's hanging around with Max

and rapping all the time?

You know, perhaps he just fancied a change, eh?

-And a change is good.

-It's true.

I've been blonde, copper and turquoise. This year.

Yeah, well.

But it doesn't mean to say that Jake doesn't like you anymore.

And if your friendship is to grow like a kit car,

from a wheel nut to a chassis...

..or a perm from a curler to a corkscrew...

..then you've got to accept that you can't do what you like all the time

just cos you want to. OK?

-I'm well good at this dad stuff, ain't I?

-Genius.

There, why don't you go

and apply the same logic to the girl you've just locked away upstairs?

KNOCKING

Sass?

KNOCKING

Sadie, can I come in?

You can only come in if...if I'm totally ungrounded

and Taylor is welcome here.

Or you've got pizza.

No pizza.

-You mean...?

-Duh.

-Oh, thanks, Dad.

-No, thank you for being so understanding about Bev.

It can't have been that easy.

And I just want you to know that I am not trying to

replace your mum, OK?

-I could never do that.

-I know.

And I just want you to know that even though I've got a boyfriend,

I'm still your little girl.

My little grease monkey.

Oi, watch it.

Taylor. What sort of name's that?

It's like a second name, isn't it?

Dad!

Step.

-BOTH:

-Ta-da! Happy birthday!

Keith AND Dede?

So, it actually is Keith's birthday today?

No.

Well, yeah.

-But this was meant for you too...

-Busted.

-..ish.

Sass, I cancelled a whole day at the Carston Science Museum for this.

The Magellanic Cloud Galaxy Exhibition

is only there for two days.

Lucky I've got all-day passes to see it tomorrow, isn't it?

Happy birthday, dudes.

-Yay!

-Kit, I got you a little something too, actually.

Please don't say it passes for the museum.

It's a shaving kit, Kit.

I'm sorry I dissed your goatee.

Yay!

-Hey, man.

-'Sup?

I just wanted to let you know that I'm totally cool with you

-hanging out with Max.

-You are?

My man Jake don't need your approval to hang out with DJ Max.

I know, I'm sorry, OK. Jake can hang around with whoever he wants.

Just let me know when you want to spend some time with me.

Now's good.

-Seriously?

-Yeah, of course. You can help us with the rap.

-I thought we had established that I can't rap.

-No.

But you can press play on our backing track.

No probs.

Word.

Don't say, "Word."

So, I say a big thanks to all of you for coming to help me

celebrate this very special birthday. But what is a birthday?

A passing of another year? A milestone on the road of life?

All these and more.

But, most importantly, however,

I think it is the best excuse to get all the people you love in one room.

Is that my speech?

Sadie? Sadie!

And, as Captain Skylo said to Emperor Zhe'hevideen

in season six, episode four of Space Cargo,

flerg, barg, de'moveder zhern.

Total muppet. Unbelievable.

Which means have a good night. Cheers.

CHEERING

He did well.

OK, deep breaths.

You can do this.

Dad? Taylor, this is my dad, you know my dad.

And, Dad, this is Taylor. He's my...

Squeeze, beau, love-bunny, boyfriend.

I get the picture.

-It's lovely to meet you, Taylor.

-You too, sir.

-This is Bev.

Pleased to meet you, Bev.

OMLG, it was that easy.

I've met Bev, he's met Taylor.

Could this not get any more fantastalistic?

Well, seeing as we are doing introductions,

I'd like you all to meet my daughter Ashley.

BOTH: You?

That would be a no.

# Yo, Keith, man

-# Come and get it

-Man

# Keep it real, top dude Don't let loose of your wheels

# Man

# It's his party today and we all showed up

# Cos we love him so much now he's all growed up

# Yo, Keith, happy birthday, bruv

# Yo, Keithy Yo, yo

# Happy birthday Yo, yo

# Yo, Keithy Yo, yo

# Happy birthday Yo, yo. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd