Mamalicious Sadie J

Where's Kit?! I've a Kit-shaped emergency

measuring 4.4 million million on the Richter scale.

Duh. He's with his mum at the recording studio in the mall.

Obvs. They're recording their version of Don't Go Breaking My Heart

-for Mother's Day tomorrow.

-# Don't go breaking my heart... #

How lame-atronic.

I need him. Dad is taking me to the Classic Cadillac Car Show

in Codgington for Mother's Day, and I'm having a fashion disaster.

-Correction, you ARE a fashion disaster.

-Funny(!)

Anyway, of course you have to wear driving gloves to a classic

car show, even if you don't drive. But I don't know what to wear.

The black faux-leather ones? Or the charcoal-grey lace ones?

Or the brown, suede, tweed ones? Or do I wear the elbow-length satins?

Or the fingerless cream mittens?

What? I panic bought.

OK, stop already.

Firstly, you could wear washing-up gloves for all I care.

Secondly, didn't you get the Stella McCartney memo?

Nobody's wearing gloves this season.

They're, like, so over they've gone to Over Town and retired.

Strike that. Died.

Of course, you're right, gloves are so over. Why didn't I know that?

Don't answer that. Oh, well, problem solved.

Strap in, peeps, because the Jenkins are revving up their engines,

and it's going to be a vroom-tastic ride all the way to...

The salon!

Sadie J, you are about to experience the most fun, fabulous,

follicle-busting Mother's Day of your life - with moi!

But I'm off to the classic car show at Codgington tomorrow with my dad.

Not any more.

Gary Gilmot called - he offered your dad a spare ticket to the VIP

diesel tent at the car show with a certain Jeremy Clarkson.

I told Steve he's got to go.

You know how he feels about the Jezmeister. He's gone already.

-He's what?

-I said, "Don't fret about Saz.

"What 15-year-old girl is going to want to spend the afternoon

-"looking at old cars?"

-Me! And they're not old, they're vintage.

-Look, Bev...

-I said,

"I'm sure she'd much prefer to spend the day at Curls & Cuticles

"with me." We always have a bit of a do - mums and daughters, half price,

mani and pedi spa with optional extensions and French tips.

That sounds fabu-licious.

Fabu-licious doesn't even come near it, doesn't touch it.

We've got over 1,000 likes on whataweave.com.

The reviews are ferosh!

I'm telling you, it is beyond popular.

I'm lucky we can fit us in, and it's my salon!

It kicks off at two, please don't be late, love.

I've got Tammy the brow girl coming in to do brow lifts.

I'll see you there.

But...Mother's Day is mine and Dad's thing. It's the law.

Family law.

I mean, how dare she tell him to go off without me?!

She's only been dating him for five minutes.

It's not like she's my... I mean, I'm not her...

O-M-G. Bev's trying to take the place of my mum.

No-o-o-o-o!

# Won't somebody tell me why

# I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break

# They've got attitude Kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble Tricks are good

# To save the day, to save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place

# Could you be her?

# Someone to back me up so I always

# Have the last word

# I guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boys' world

# Girl, girl

# In a boys'...

# I know I'm strong because I've got a positive

# Mental attitude

# Understanding, kind of sensitive

# Don't want gratitude

# I just don't wanna be the only girl

# In a boys' world. #

It keeps going to voicemail.

Why is the phone coverage in Codgington so cruddy?!

As soon as I get hold of my dad, he's going to go bonkilistic

when he realises how not OK this is.

-Look...

-I mean, can you believe the cheek of the woman?

It's not enough that she came in here and tried to prettify

the place with her cutesy cushions and fancy figurines and potpourri.

No, she wants to be my mum as well.

You said you loved how nice she made it here.

You said it was great to have the smell of fresh air

-and not feet.

-I did not!

-MOBILE PINGS

-It's Dad. He's sensed my distress.

-Yeah, it's kind of coming out in waves.

-Exactly.

He'll be telling me to change the locks and get on the next

train to Codgington and cut Bev out of our lives for ever.

-What?

-It looks like he wants you to spend Mother's Day with Bev.

She's brainwashed him, clearly.

That's the only possible explanation.

She's literally washed his brain in her manicure Mother's Day madness.

I don't get why you're so upset. All she did was invite you to the salon.

That's sort of sweet, isn't it?

Sort of sweet? Will you stop being so gullible, Taylor?

Today, she's hijacking the car show, tomorrow,

-she's ruining my life.

-You think I'm gullible?

Yes, and nice, and naive and way too trusting.

And you always see the good in people

because you're the good guy, but you need to grow a backbone

and realise that not everyone is like you!

I'm sorry that you feel that way, but going crazy isn't going to help.

You're going to have to do the big thing and go to the salon.

I'll do the big thing all right.

I'll do the biggest thing I can think of.

I did the homework last week, so now it's your turn. That's the deal.

Yeah, but you did potato printing. This is algebra. It's not fair.

That's not the point.

Look, my dad said he'll buy us a new Ninja War Lord game

if we get a C or higher in maths. Don't let me down.

-But Dion...

-Keith, where's my dad?

-I see what you're saying, but Dion...

-That C in maths is looking

unlikely and, as a consolation, he has to buy a new Ninja War Lord game

for Jake's... I mean, my Victoria sponge in home economics.

Steve's gone to the Cadillac car show early

and I'm about to be dumped.

Look, I don't even know who Kiera is. I've never even met her.

And I wasn't even at the La-La Liquid Lounge last night,

I was at home watching Bear Grylls on the box with Boxy.

We had a chicken tikka masala and an early night, I swear.

I can't believe you're being such a wet wipe about this.

Just tell her any old guff.

Like, you never had feelings for Kiera,

and, "I've got such a Dion-shaped space in my heart

"that only you can fill."

-You really think that will work? DION:

-'Keith?'

Look, look, I couldn't care less about Kiera because I've got...

a Dion-shaped space in my heart that nobody else can fill.

-'I'm sorry I shouted.'

-She's sorry she shouted.

-She forgives me totally.

-'I feel closer to you then ever.'

She feels closer to me than ever! Yeah, fantastic. All right, see you.

Danny, you're a genius. You turned that right around.

You can speak woman. You're fluent.

I guess I've learnt a thing or two from living with Sadie

-all these years.

-But Sadie is even more blokey than me.

Well, maybe I've read a problem page or two. In Sadie's magazines.

-Problem page or two?

-Don't judge me.

-Don't worry, I'm not.

I think it's brilliant. You have to teach me this stuff.

No way, I don't want to waste my time teaching you when I can

waste my time doing something infinitely more satisfying.

Like armpit farts.

How about I buy you that Ninja War Lord game you were just

going on about?

I think we have a deal, Mr Woods.

Jake, have you seen Sas? I need her. I need her, like, now.

Before now. Yesterday, even.

I texted, voice-mailed, pinged and e-mailed her with zero response.

-She's out.

-That's it, I give up.

I've been planning this experiment for four weeks

and Babcock bailed on me this morning, and now Sadie's gone AWOL.

I'm never going to win the Young Rationalist of the Year

-(Midlands) Award.

-What's the experiment?

Well, in layman's terms,

it's to prove the fundamental improbability - nay,

impossibility - of neuro-linguistic programming as applied to

-the concept of inter-human manipulation.

-In Jakeman's terms?

Basically, it's mind control.

Asking someone a series of questions containing hidden messages

which are supposed to make you answer in a specific way.

-I'm out to show it's a whole load of poop.

-I still don't get it.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because without a volunteer,

I'm sunk.

Unless... No. Maybe... No.

-Perhaps you could be my volunteer?

-No can do.

I've got this much algebra homework with this much time to do it in

and this much maths ability to do it with. Basically, I'm very busy.

Algebra? I love algebra.

It's like going to a really great party except with

loads of people, there are loads of numbers and letters.

I could do algebra all day.

-Including this low-level homework of yours.

-Are you trying to bribe me?

-Do you want me to bribe you?

-Yes.

-Then I'm bribing you.

OK, peeps. Here's how we're going to roll with this one.

Taylor told me I should do the big thing.

You have to do the big thing and go to the salon.

So, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Oh, except when he says "big thing", I do think he means the small,

reasonable thing, whereas when I say "big thing",

I tend to mean the abso-tastically unforgivable big thing.

Monster-licious, right? Right. I haven't even started yet.

OK. Question one. Which of these pictures are you drawn to?

The one which you can SEE in front of you while you

FISH around for the answer, SAILING over the possibilities?

-Or the other one?

-The boat, definitely the boat.

-Are you sure? You don't want to change your mind?

-No.

OK. That was the first one. Let's try again.

Which of these do you prefer?

The one which BLOSSOMS in front of your eyes,

which LEAVES you feeling relaxed, ready to BRANCH out?

-Or the other one?

-The tree. I feel really drawn to it.

'Jeez, he's so suggestible. He's like a medical curiosity.

'I never thought it would work, but I can control him utterly.

'I could make him my miniature human slave.

'Of course, I wouldn't do that. I definitely won't do that.

'It would be so wrong to do that. Or would it?'

..Tessa Trumpington...

Job done!

What, don't look at me like that. You're supposed to be on my side.

Besides, she'll get over it.

SHE SOBS

Eventually.

There, there.

What kind of person would do such a thing just before Mother's Day?

-One of our busiest times of the year.

-Nobody I know. Shhh!

How am I going to face my customers with them

thinking this nonsense is true?

I don't even own a dog to have bitten Tessa. I don't even know Tessa!

-Have you had many cancellations for your Mother's Day do?

-Loads.

Get in!

-I just think the easiest thing would be to cancel it altogether.

-Result!

So that's what you're going to do, yeah?

No. Why should I?

So what if the other mums and daughters don't want to come?

That's their loss, it doesn't mean that you, me,

Nash can't have a fab day.

-Just the three of us.

-Just the three of us. Excuse me one second.

Agh-h-h-h-h!

Thanks for the mud pack, Jake.

What would you like to do next?

Something that keeps you AHEAD of the game, maybe?

Or stops you from RUBBING anyone up the wrong way?

Actually, I have a really strong urge to give someone a head massage.

Well, it's your choice, so if you're sure...

Operation Cancel Mother's Day Part Deux is go, go, go.

So either I unleash a swarm of giant rats after hours,

-or I flood it with...

-Sas, stop. No more making crazy plans.

Please, I can't take it any more.

Just tell Bev you don't want to spend Mother's Day with her

and you'd prefer to spend it with your dad. She'll be fine.

No, she won't, Beverley is made of nail files, iron tongs

and razor-edged hair scissors. She's not going to take this lying down.

-But...

-But nothing.

When are you going to realise - just stop with the good-guy stuff!

-Not everyone is as spongily soft as you are.

-Fine, I'm done helping.

I'm sorry I can't be the tough guy, but that's not who I am.

-If you don't like it, you know what to do.

-No, I do like it. I do.

I know, I'm an idiot. He's right, I'm wrong. Cheers for that.

Bev, there's something I need to tell you.

Well, make it snappy, cos I've got a whole lot of mud pack party packs

-to collect for tomorrow's celebrations.

-Yeah, about that.

You see, I... I've been looking forward to going to

the Cadillac car show with my dad for literalistically months.

When you told him to go without me, I was kind of upset.

I know I should have spoken to you direct,

but instead I scuppered Mother's Day at the salon.

-You put Tessa Trumpington up to it?

-No!

-Oh.

-..I am Tessa Trumpington.

-What?

Why would you do such a thing?

Dad and I have spent Mother's Day together every year since Mum died.

In fact, he's been my mum on Mother's Day since Mum died.

Suddenly, you come along and told him to go off without me.

It was like, hello, you're not my mum, so stop trying to be,

cos you can't replace her, not ever. She's my mum.

Oh, right.

-Of course.

-I'm sorry, you must really hate me.

-Not at all.

I understand. My mum died when I was about your age.

She did?

She did?

That's why I like to pull out all the stops every Mother's Day,

put on a happy face, a new bodacious weave

and a heck of a party, because that's my way of saying thank you to my mum.

-Even though she isn't here.

-And I ruined it.

-Kind of.

-But don't beat yourself up about it.

-Bev, I'm so sorry.

I'm going to make this up to you.

In fact, put your most bodacious new weave on,

cos I'm going to throw you the best Mother's Day ever.

OK, lesson one. Girls love to be asked how they're feeling.

-Doesn't that just give them free licence to moan at you?

-Precisely.

That's where the sensitive, listening face comes in.

And the caring but vague responses. Such as, "Oh, that's so bad.

-"Oh, that's really awful."

-This is pure gold.

-Lesson two.

Girls like you to look at what they're wearing before you say

-they look nice.

-What? I know nothing about girls' clothes.

-I know.

That's why it's key you use non-confrontational,

indeterminate responses such as, "Oh, yes, that's really nice,

"but maybe you could add a jacket, hat or handbag."

As they accessorise their outfit, they think you've helped

but not hindered the process.

This is blowing my mind, man.

It's like you're on the five-lane super-fast female highway

and I can't even get off the drive.

If I run out of conversation,

-I usually just start talking about motorbikes.

-Schoolboy error.

Yeah, I know. I need you to help me with my date tonight.

If I'm going to keep Dion and not mess things up again,

I need you to be there. She's already on the brink of dumping me again.

No way! How can I be there?

You may have conned your way into another date with her,

but she's not going to hang around if you bring me on the date.

I've got it.

I'll be in the kitchen with Dion and you'll be in the garage

sending me information in real time on my Bluetooth.

No way, that wasn't part of the plan.

I give you the lessons, you give me the game.

What, this game?

Oh, I was actually thinking about giving it to the Save The Puppies

on the high street. I mean, I reckon they deserve it more, don't you?

I've always found puppies to be really helpful.

They won't let you down in your hour of need.

You know what I'm saying?

Why are you putting on a party for my mum?

-Well, it's Mother's Day, so...

-Number one, she's not your mother.

Number two, Steve begged her -

we're talking bended knee and everything -

to invite you to the salon.

She wanted to spend Mother's Day with me, because guess what?

I'm her daughter and you're not.

-But she said...

-Number three,

me and mum don't want you poking your nose into our lives.

You're not part of our family, and you never will be. Don't you get it?

-It's Steve who Mum likes, not you.

-Girls?

Everything all right?

-No. Why didn't you just say if you didn't want me at the salon?

-What?

-Of course I wanted you there.

-That's not what you told me.

I didn't mean it like that, Ashlii.

I was uncomfortable about the situation initially,

but then Steve really wanted you there

and I thought you really wanted to be there, so I...went with it.

You "went with it".

Well, thanks a bunch, Bev, but you know what?

It doesn't matter, because you don't want to be my mum,

and I have no desire to be your daughter, so if you don't mind,

I would like to spend my Mother's Day party alone.

Please.

Right.

Knick-knacks, figurines! All Bev's, of course.

Got to clear every sign of her from the house.

Come on, guys, there's a cushion and a cat, and what I think is a bird.

Hey, no buy, no touch. Come on, guys. This is quality staff.

-This was...made in China - wow!

-I'll take the lot.

-Say what?

-Yeah, it's for my new crib.

-And you think that this would look nice?

Don't question me, lady. So I like a penguin in a little suit, so what?

-Me and my crew have eclectic taste.

-Whatevs.

How about we say 20 for the lot?

How about we say five, and you stop mucking me about?

I'm a busy guy, I've got things to be and places to do.

-I mean, the other way around. Get it?

-Yeah, I got it, I got it. Rude much?

-It's a deal.

-Thank you very... Whatever! Lose-atron.

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by Psy

# Op nam gangnam style. #

Oh, well. At least that means

the Jenkins household is officially de-Bev-alised.

The house has been totally re-Bev-alised!

I don't understand how!

Don't question it, lady. I had to do what I had to do.

Head exploding in T minus three, two, one.

You were the idiot guy in the diner?

Yep, you like me better for it?

No, you goon, I love you just the way you are.

I'm so sorry I had a go at you for being a good guy.

-It's good you're a good guy. Better than good.

-Good.

Now, tell me why you brought all this stuff back into my house!

Simple. Cos I wanted you to see that Bev is here to stay

and it's not something to fight against.

She's super fun, she loves your dad, even though

his only two topics of conversation are cars and how to fix them.

And it's another girl in the Jenkins household -

isn't that what you wanted?

Yeah, but she didn't want me at the salon in the first place.

You mean, the way you didn't want to be there in the first place either?

-Well, yeah, but...

-But nothing, you're quits.

It's crazy to criticise her for feeling the exact same way

that you did.

-Yeah, I guess so. So what should I do?

-Speak to her.

The kitchen is just through there, babe. I thought we'd dine in tonight.

I'm doing chicken a la Keith.

-Danny, do you read me? Over.

-Read you. Over.

-Roger that.

-No, Roger's upstairs.

No, roger that. They're the words they use on walkie-talkies.

-Even though these ain't walkie-talkies.

-Just get on with it!

# If I was your boyfriend I'd never let you go

# Keep you on my arm, girl You'd never be alone

# I could be a gentleman Anything you want

# If I was your boyfriend I'd never let you go

# Never let you go

# Never let you go

# If I was your boyfriend

# If I was your boyfriend. #

I couldn't, could I?

Yeah, why not?

Dion deserves somebody way better than a bonehead like Keith, anyway.

You sure you don't want a slice? You did make it.

No, I just really wanted to bake it.

Now, I had a sudden urge to apply for a year-long subscription to

the New Scientist magazine, even though I don't read it.

And now I'm really itching to wash those dirty feet of yours

-by hand, individually.

-OK, Jake, stop! I've done a terrible thing.

I've been controlling your mind and making you do chores for me.

-No, you haven't.

-And I've loved it, every minute of it.

All that control, I felt like Alan Sugar

and Duncan Bannatyne all rolled into one. Say what?

You haven't been controlling me.

I was just doing what you asked so you could prove your experiment.

And then do my algebra homework.

But the whole point of the experiment was to prove that

-mind control doesn't work!

-Ahh, right. Wait a minute.

So you've been making me your skivvy all day long for no reason?

Yes, you muppet!

You're like a guinea pig who puts on his own lipstick just to ruin

the results. You've ruined everything.

You can do your own algebra homework.

Danny, come in, over.

Danny, do you read me? Over.

Danny? Danny? Danny, are you there? Over. Danny?

So, did you see the footie last night?

Please, you don't understand.

That Ninja War Lord game is dependent on that algebra homework being done.

Tough.

Guess who just bagged themselves

a copy of Ninja War Lord VII: The Sword of Crackackaboom?

-Close the hatch on the way out, Baxter.

-Fine.

Leave it. Show me some skin. Awesome.

The thing is, I really regret what I did and I wish I hadn't done it.

I'm not sure there's a word to sum up what I'm trying to say.

How about, "I've been a right numpty, and I'm sorry"?

Bit harsh, but that should cover it.

-Bev, I'm really sorry I've been right numpty.

-So have I.

I owe you an apology too.

I should never have listened to your father

when he said we should spend Mother's Day together in the salon.

I should have trusted my own instincts.

They've never let me down - apart from that time when

I had a high-top wedge for the best part of 1992.

In my heart of hearts, I just knew it was too soon. And why would you?

-I'm not your mum.

-He's like a puppy, he gets overexcited.

-I know.

-It's cute, though, isn't it?

-If you say so.

The thing is, he hasn't had a girlfriend

in, like, a billion years,

so I kind of thought he'd never get another one.

Partly because I've seen how he eats pasta.

And partly because I don't want him to replace my mum.

Sadie, I don't ever want to replace your mum.

In fact, I can't ever replace her.

No matter what happens between me and Steve, she's your mum.

And always will be.

I'm sure wherever she is now, she's ever so proud of you.

Look, love, I just want to be friends.

Not mother and daughter, friends. What do you think?

I think that sounds like a good idea.

BTW, if you ever do anything to harm my salon again,

I will give you the mother of all mullets as a punishment, OK?

See, I told you she was tough as stick-on nails.

Nice new weave, by the way.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

# Oooh-hoo!

# Nobody knows it

# Nobody kno-o-ows

# Right from the start

# I gave you my heart

# Ohhh-hoh!

# I gave you my heart! #