Braziliant Sadie J

Guess what, peeps? One Direction are playing the Brancombe Bowl

and I'm about to book my ticket. Jealous much?

I'm afraid your card's been declined, Miss Jenkins.

Looks like you've maxed out your Maxi Plus account. Unlucky.

How could I have maxed out my card?

Man, this place is quiet.

There are only...

323 tickets left.

Maybe the bag, hat, jacket and pumps you bought yesterday

had something to do with it.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

Three movies, two albums,

19 singles, a video of Josh Hutcherson...

Dede, this isn't helping. And there's only...

299 tickets left now.

Ah, Kit's here, thank Gaga! Kit,

you will not believe what's happened to me today.

-I bet I can beat it.

-Oh, I doubt that, you see,

because I was on hold for 57 minutes waiting to get 1D tickets,

and then when the misery-guts girl finally picked up,

she told me that I'd maxed out my card. And there's only...

287 tickets left. Beat that.

My mum and dad just told me they're getting divorced.

They've been "unhappy" for a long time

and they've finally decided to call it a day.

My mum's going to stay here

but my dad's got a job in Brazil and he's leaving.

This weekend.

OK, you win.

# Won't somebody tell me why I'm always surrounded by boys?

# Give me a break!

# They've got attitude Kind of cute

# But when they're in trouble Takes a girl to save the day

# I'd love another girl around the place

# You should be her

# Someone to back me up so I always have the last word.

# I guess it's hard to be the only girl

# In a boys' world!

# Girl, girl

# In a boys' world

# I know I'm stronger cos I've got a positive mental attitude

# Understanding, kind and sensitive Don't want gratitude

# I just don't want to be the only girl in a boys' world! #

I just don't get it. They still really love each other.

Cognitively, loving someone and being "in love",

is totally diametric.

Dude, you are seriously not helping matters

and there's only 100 1D tickets left!

I mean, I'm all for giving a mate a shoulder to cry on,

but this is just torture.

To top all that, my mum wants me to stay here,

but my dad wants me to move to Brazil with him.

But...you're not going to, right?

I don't know.

How would I commute to my salsacise classes?

That's at least a 6,000 mile round trip.

Actually, it's an 11,770 mile trip,

But with the stopovers and the added stress of the long, tearful,

overly sentimentalised goodbye...

Dedes, I need to get some of these 1D tickets before they sell out,

but with you blabbering on to Kit with your ridiculous comments,

I'm going to be here till Christmas with him!

Face facts, give up and realise

that you are terrible at this emotional stuff.

That's a lie! I've simply been trying to compartmentalise Kit's emotions.

I rest my case, Dede,

you are banned from the rest of the conversation.

I wonder if you could help me.

It's Ashlii's day off and I need some assistance for a few hours.

Why? It's empty in here.

That's because Finkel Lonogotolitis, our Klyperdan president,

just...passed away.

And I'm operating a skeleton service.

No pun intended.

I'm trying to organise a fitting tribute for...Finkel,

but my emotions keep on overtaking me.

I need somebody to help me through this.

I'm in. Let's do this, Ms V.

You think I stink at the emotional stuff, then think again.

MS V SOBS

I give her 16 minutes max.

Which is more than the number of 1D tickets left!

57, 56, 55...

Hiya, Sass, love,

I've come to take our kid shopping. Fancy a browse?

I told you, I don't want to go anywhere!

Just leave me alone!

I can't do right for doing wrong at the moment.

Kit's in pieces. I'd give anything to cheer him up, but what can I do?

I couldn't...

Could I?

So that's two tickets, One Direction, on the 27th.

Sure is!

This is such a lovely idea.

I know it's not going to make things better,

but at least it'll put a smile on his face.

Of course it will, Kell!

What? Don't judge me.

Kit'll totalistically love it.

SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS

Ahem!

Ohhh!

NEEDLE SCRAPES AND MUSIC STOPS

Sorry!

I just wanted to let you know that I've sorted the candles

for the candlelit procession,

a TV for the commemorative DVD

showing President Finkel's inauguration,

and a flower display in the shape of a pig,

in honour of the nation's national animal.

Ticking off your little jobs on your list

is not providing emotional support.

No?

I mean, of course not.

But it does help, though, right?

Undoubtedly, but...

being there for someone when the sadness is too much,

so that they can bear the pain no longer,

THAT'S emotional support.

SHE SOBS

There, there.

Isn't it a comfort to know

that President Finkel lived a long and valued life?

That's the problem.

How will my great nation of Klyperda

replace an irreplaceable leader?

With a democratic election.

SHE SOBS

Look, Ms V, I know you're really, really upset right now,

but I promise you the pain will lessen over time.

Especially since he wasn't directly related to you.

That's nonsense! Finkel was like a father to me.

To everyone.

Yes, but the fact is, he wasn't actually your father.

Facts! We're not dealing with facts.

We are dealing with FEELINGS.

SHE SOBS

Why do I have to babysit for Danny and Jake on my day off?

Let Sadie do it. He's her brother.

Oh, give over, Ash!

Stevo and I would like you to get to know the boys,

so while he's away is the perfect opportunity.

-You get to know them!

-I already do.

Besides, I've got this weave to restyle.

You ever seen a beehive with bangs like that?

So you get to do what you want

while I have to hang out with two five-foot maniacs for six hours?!

They are not maniacs, they are good boys.

Besides, they'll be no trouble, I promise.

-Promise?

-In fact,

I'm so sure, that if they do turn out to be a pain in the banana,

I will buy you that ra-ra skirt you've been banging on about

-down at Pasha's Boutique.

-Bribery, Mother?

I love it. Deal.

Good luck!

Unlucky, Bevvers. Danny and Jake were born bad.

I'll be in that chi-chi little ra-ra before you can say...

Oh...my...Gaga.

OK, what's the deal?

Nothing, except we have to be on our best behaviour

for the next 24 hours for Bev,

otherwise Dad won't take us paintballing at the weekend,

which means no...

BOTH: ..mega-splurge pump guns...

..with a ten-metre range

and enough paint to take down a Turbo Ranger.

God! I knew you were up to something.

Well, my mum's just promised me a new ra-ra skirt if you're bad.

So, there'll be no best behaviour on my watch, boys.

-Want a bet?

-Bring it.

Consider it brung.

Look, boss, I'm on it today. All over it, in fact.

By the time you get back I'll have that Fiat resprayed perfectly.

Really?

Awesome!

Thanks, Steve.

Right, see ya.

Nan!

What're you doing here?

Maureen Wilmslow's only gone and banned me

from the Senior Sunshine Club.

-No!

-She says I'm too wild and I don't act me age.

She has got a point.

That's why I thought, instead of staying out all night and partying

and getting all tattooed up like I usually do when I'm down,

I thought I'd come here and be a proper gran to you.

I don't want a proper gran. I like you the way you are.

That's very kind of you, sweetheart.

Mmwah! Mmwah!

But it won't get me back into the Senior Sunshine Club, will it?

No, but...

baking scones and making tea for my boy might.

If I can learn how.

I've got a really big job on, Nan.

Steve said if I can finish the respray on this Fiat properly,

-he'll give me a bonus.

-Oh, right.

Well, never mind then.

I'm sure you'll make a grand job of it, son.

No, it's all right, Nan, you can stay.

Stormin'!

You won't even know I'm here, baby doll, I swear.

Just don't get in the...

Oops.

..way.

Check it out, peeps. S to the A to the D-I-E

just got her 1D tickets. Go Sassy, go Sassy, go Sassy.

How great is this?

I get to see my favourite fivesome

whilst cheering up my mega-mungously miserable BFF.

Result!

BOTH: Surprise!

There you go, poppet.

Two front row tickets for you and Sass to go and see One Direction.

-Over the moon.

-I told you he'd love it!

Go Harry, go Niall, go Zayn...

I don't care about going to see some stupid boy band!

I have bigger things to worry about at the moment.

-Dad wants me to move halfway across the world!

-I know, love,

it's a big decision.

Sadie just thought this would cheer you up.

Oh, I bet she did.

Of all the selfish, self-centred things you've ever done,

this has to be the worst, Jenkins.

Using my parents' divorce to get your own way?

No, I...

Everything isn't always about you, Sass.

-Oi, watch it!

-Haven't you ever played human skittles?

It's awesome. You hit somebody so hard with the ball, they fall over.

BOTH: Cool!

-Danny first.

-Hang on.

I know your game.

This ball could miss you and smash a window or break an ornament.

So? We're having fun.

And my mum and your dad want us to get to know each other...

step-bro!

-Just chuck it at me like you want to leave a bruise.

-No!

Bruises and broken stuff equals bad behaviour.

Which means a bad report from Bev.

Which means no paintballing.

Sorry.

You're not getting your way this time.

Oh, you guys are so lame.

Stomp all you want, lady, but the only person in this room

who's going to behave badly

is YOU.

Actually...

that's not a bad idea.

OK, so are we done here?

No...

It's a whole day of mourning for Finkel.

SHE GIVES LOUD BLAST

I'm expecting the entire local Klyperdan population any minute.

-Say what?!

-There they are now.

Go, Delia, console each and every one of them.

Give them some tender words.

I simply don't have the energy.

Are you kidding?!

There's at least eight of them.

Eight different people with eight different reactions to the loss.

That's 64 variables I have to take into account

before I've even said one word to them.

Even then there's no guarantee they'll take my practical advice

on grieving or loss. Instead they'll just sit around spouting nonsense

and emptying their tearducts all day,

like YOU!

Why do you have to quantify and compartmentalise everything, Delia?

Are you scared of feeling those tough emotions?

I'm not scared of feeling any tough emotions.

Not that I've had to feel any.

My mum and dad still being together

and 100% of my immediate family still being alive

and...never having fallen in love to fall out of it...

or even having a pet goldfish die.

Nemo was older than me!

OMGB! Sadie is totalistically right -

I'm rubbish at dealing with this sort of stuff

because I've never had to deal with it.

Sounds about right.

So, go,

-console my fellow Klyperdans.

-SHE SPEAKS KLYPERDAN

Um...

Wow, is that the time?

Horribly uncomfortable o'clock. Must dash.

SHE SOBS

OK, Bev, crisis alert!

Whassup?

I want these One Direction tickets, but I'm maxed out my Maxi account

and then Kit told me that Kelly and Barry were doing the old

D-I-V-O-R-C-E thing and Kelly wanted to cheer Kit up,

so I suggested taking him to 1D. Check it out, peeps!

But it was more for me than for him. Kit found out and went ka-boom.

I don't care about some stupid boy band!

He told me I was super-duper selfish and spiteful and stormed off.

-What do I do?

-Blimey, that was a mouthful!

Oh, hey, Bet. What's with the housecoat and headscarf?

This is what proper grannies wear, silly,

when they bake scones.

Are those scones supposed to smoke like that?

I have no idea.

So anyway, what should I do?

Kit went totally ballistic at me.

It was like an EastEnders cliffhanger with a Corrie accent!

I'm not surprised. You bang on about tickets

and your best mate's about to lose his dad?

Barry's not dying, Bev, he's just moving to Brazil.

It's still a terrible situation, love.

Kit feels torn in two right now.

He wants his mum AND his dad, but because Barry's off to Brazil,

he feels like he's got to make a choice.

-So...

-So,

you've got to be there for Kit 100%.

You've got to show him that he can be there for his mum and his dad,

even if he is going halfway around the world.

You're totally right.

And I thought Delia was the emotional imbecile.

Turns out I'm the one who's been a mammoth idiot.

Oh, it's brilliant. I am the man.

Keithy, your tea's getting cold.

Keith!

Your tea!

-Did you say something, Nan?

-I certainly did.

Tuck in.

It's awful, innit?

Oh, I'm rubbish at this gran stuff, ain't I?

Actually, it's not bad.

It's not bad at all.

In fact, it's pretty nice.

I told you I could do this gran stuff.

I'll be back in the Senior Sunshine Club before you can say,

"Maureen Wilmslow looks like a bullfrog."

Nans don't punch, Nan.

No, right. Sorry, love.

Well, I'll just head back to the kitchen

and pop another batch in, shall I? Where's me tray?

See you, Nan.

Nan, it's stuck.

It's all right, you can just say it was done with love.

It's not all right!

Steve ain't going to give me a bonus if I've ruined the car.

I was just trying to be a proper gran.

But you don't cook scones and you don't wear housecoats!

-You DJ and teach boxercise.

-Yeah, but...

But nothing.

Just go.

RINGING TONE

PHONE RINGS

If this is about those stupid concert tickets,

-I'm hanging up.

-It's not, I swear. Hear that?

That is the sound of me ripping them up.

I don't even want to go. This is about me and you

-and how I haven't been there for you properly.

-Really?

Yeah, look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being such a fool.

It's really hard, your parents breaking up,

because you feel you have to choose.

And I just want you to know that I'm here for you

and I really think you can be there for your dad.

No way!

Way! I mean, so Brazil is halfway around the world,

but with video calling and email and text and Ping,

who needs to be in the same room these days?

I am so glad you said that, Sass.

I've been worrying about it for days.

My mum will have her family here, but my dad will have no-one.

Well, now he's got you.

I failed Ms V, just like I failed Kit. You were right,

I stink at this emotional stuff.

You think that's bad?

I just tore up two tickets to go and see One Direction

to prove to Kit that his friendship meant more to me than anything.

What? But that's fantastalistic!

If someone as fickle, shallow and utterly self-motivated as you

can turn your back on your favourite boy band just to show Kit you care,

then I have got to woman-up and move on from this irrational state

of fear and denial about my emotions.

Sadie J, you're amazing!

Did you hear that? I'm amazing.

That's right. "The Jenkster is A to the mazing.

"The Jenk-a-lenk has booked the train to "Mazing" Town."

The Jenkster is a nightmare!

"The Jenkster is a..." Wait, what?

Your words of wisdom to my son

have made him want to be there for his dad!

That...That's a good thing, isn't it?

Not when it's made him decide to move to Brazil!

What? I never said that!

Oh, really?

Cos he said you said...

With video calling and email and text and Ping...

"..Who needs to be in the same room any more?"

He's booked his flight, Sass!

Oh, my Lady Gaga...

OK, Bev, I really need...

Wowzer!

Impressive, huh?

That is a very fine weave, Beverly.

Ain't it just?

Bev, I hate to break it to you,

but your so-called advice I gave to my BFF

has made him want to move to Brazil.

No, it didn't.

So now I need some more advice to...

What?

Sass, Kit's got his own mind.

He obviously knows his mum will be fine,

but his dad needs him in Brazil.

And besides, no-one can tell Kit,

or anyone else, for that matter, what to do.

We are who we are. We go where we want, we do what we want to do.

If you don't, you're just not being true to yourself.

Do you really think so, Bev?

I know so, Elizabeth.

-Would I be wearing this shade of cerise if I was lying?

-Nah.

So wait, hang-a-lang a minute.

If you're saying what I think you're saying,

Kit should go to Brazil...

and I should...let him go.

See? You're not such a mammoth idiot after all.

Cool water bomb, huh?

Imagine what a mess I'd make of my fierce hair and chi-chi outfit.

I'd be officially bombed out.

Yeah, but that one moment of... pure pleasure

would equal a weekend of misery and no paintballing.

Did I mention it's not full of water?

It's full of CUSTARD.

Kind of like one big paintball bullet.

Save it, Summers, we're staying strong.

Which means we're not going to custard-balloon you.

I didn't ask you to, doofus.

Are you crazy?!

No, I'm clever.

MUM! DANNY AND JAKE JUST CUSTARD-BOMBED ME!

Sorry, guys, but there's a ra-ra skirt in Pasha's Boutique

with my name on it.

You just wrecked our changes of ever going paintballing!

This...means...war.

No!

No! NOO-OO-OOO!

Ohhh! Ohhh!

MUUU-UUU-UUUM!

Time out! Time out!

Put your weapons down!

See?

I told you they were maniacs.

-What have you go to say for yourselves?

-Careful, Mum,

they're, like, so devious.

Not as devious as you trying to custard-bomb yourself.

Dad said that if we were on our best behaviour for the next 24 hours,

he'd take us paintballing.

BOTH: And we'd hire mega-splurge pump guns with a 10-metre range

and enough paint to take down a Turbo Ranger.

I know!

And she wanted to make us bad so she could get her...

You know?

Of course I did. Your dad told me. That's why I struck a deal with Ash

to buy here that ra-ra skirt if you misbehaved.

Cos I knew you wouldn't!

They still feathered and slimed me, what have you got to say to that?!

Look, why don't we all just get cleaned up

and then go paintballing this afternoon?

BOTH: Awesome!

So I take it I can go to Pasha's and get that ra-ra then?

As if? 40 quid for a bit of fluffy fabric? Get real!

Besides, the boys are going to need someone to shoot the paintballs at.

-Cool!

-Awesome!

I was way too harsh on you earlier.

You were only trying your best at being a granny.

Look, it's all fine, darlin'.

No, it's not. Family comes first.

That's why I've made you

your own little OAP corner.

That's very kind of you, sweetheart,

but, um, I'm afraid I've got meself a new life.

And...

a lovely new weave.

If I'm not being who I am, I'm not being true to myself, am I?

There's gratitude for ya. You wrecked that respray for me

and instead of putting it right,

I was out getting all this lot because I felt guilty.

Chillax, Keithy.

Your old nan may be pants at baking scones,

but she's a dab hand with a spraygun.

-Really?

-Yeah! How do you think my monster truck looks the way it does?

They don't sell 'em in hot pink, I'll have you know.

Now, toss me a pair of those overalls and we'll have it done in a jiffy.

Whooo! It's good to be back.

Right, come on, let's be 'aving ya!

Ms V, I just want to say

that I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you in your time of need.

But now I'm ready to take on the emotional strain

that losing Finkel has caused you.

Don't even mention that two-faced ditchwater slime-monkey!

ALL GASP

-NEEDLE SCRATCHES

-He's not even dead!

It's all over the Klyperdan press.

He is living it up on the Isle of Wight,

using stolen resources from our Bank of Klyperda,

in which I have two life-savings and one hedge fund!

-Ah.

-Exactly.

SHE SCREAMS ANGRILY

ALL YELL ANGRILY

Sadie, I did it.

I manned up.

I actually offered to be Ms V's emotional rock,

crying and all.

But luckily she didn't need me because Finkel's dodgy.

He's not even dead. Phew!

Never mind all that. Kit's moving to Brazil with his dad.

What? No!

OMLG!

This is what emotional pain feels like.

No wonder I avoided it for so long.

Dede, this isn't about you, it's about...

Me.

Oh, Kit!

You can't leave!

I know I haven't been there as your friend,

but we can talk things through.

Just...once this pain stops.

-We need you!

-What we need is to support Kit,

no matter what decision he makes.

Right.

Yeah.

What she said.

Thanks for helping me make such a tough decision, Sass.

You're the best.

You're both the best.

But...

all good things have to come to an end.

Like Space Cargo.

And cheesy fries.

What?

When I'm sad, I get hungry.

Your dad's here, Christopher.

This is it!

Arrivederci, mi amore!

Au revoir, mon ami!

Auf wiedersehen, pet.

Ciao. Bye, my Kitty-cats.

Love, you've got a plane to catch.

Sorry.

Ciao.

GIRLS SOB

You OK?

Yeah, fine.

You?

MS V SOBS

SHE SOBS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

So, what's new, girlfriends?

-Since you talked to us two hours ago? Not much!

-How about you?

Well, I just signed up for a new salsasize class. In Brazil!

Who would have thought that the Latin American exercise craze

-originated here?

-In Latin America(!)

-So, did you have a good time?

-Totallistically. I even made

two new BFFs - Sadie and Dede, meet Sadelia and Dedania!

# You'll find us chasin' the sun. #