Joe Swash Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind Up

'Who is this person?

'Why does this girl look worried?

'And what does this dad not want us to know?'

'Welcome to the show where no-one is safe.

'It's Sam and Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up!'

Welcome to the show that's been winding-up the world!

From studio two in Salford, it's Big Friday Wind-Up.

My name is Alex and I'm from the past.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Sam and Mark!

IRISH DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

IRISH DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

CRASHING

Yeah, I'm all right!

I'm all right!

BOTH: Yeah!

BOTH: Welcome to the weekend!

-Yeah!

-All right!

My name is Sam Nixon and I nearly won Celebrity MasterChef.

Just saying, just saying, just saying.

I'm Mark Rhodes and I nearly passed my cycling proficiency.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

I'm just saying. Cheers, thanks for that. That's very kind.

Don't cheer that.

Anyway, you lot and you lot at home are in for a treat tonight.

One member of our audience is about to meet

the celebrity of their dreams.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

We'll be leaving someone all shook up

when we put their Parent On Trial.

And find out what happened when we took our hidden cameras to

Aberdeenshire to play a game of In Yer House.

He's coming, he's coming.

So now it is time to get on with the show.

-I think it's time that we gave ourselves a brand-new look.

-Oh, yeah.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much. Here we go.

-It is very stylish, I think.

-Oh, here we go. Yeah!

Actually, is this having an effect on any members of our audience?

-Let's go and check.

-Does anybody find this really, really nice?

Is anybody enjoying it? How are you? Are you all right?

-A tremendous moustache.

-Thank you.

-Tremendous.

-I love a cane.

I think it may be having an effect on your mum, Molly.

-How are you doing? Are you all right?

-Yeah.

Why would that be? Why would this be having an effect on your mum?

Because she likes gingers.

-Emma, hi, there.

-Hi!

-You all right?

-Is Molly telling the truth?

-Yeah.

What is it you like about redheads so much?

I don't know what it is. I honestly don't. It's weird.

-Does it make you go weak at the knees?

-A little bit.

-Is this working for you?

-Not so much.

-What?!

Another wig, please! Another wig!

-So you like all redheads?

-Yeah.

OK, well, what about this redhead?

-Hi!

-He's got a really red head.

-He's lovely.

He's got a pretty red face as well, by the looks of it.

Are there any famous redheads that you particularly like?

-Any celebrities?

-Yes.

-Go on.

-Go on.

-Joe Swash.

-Joe Swash! Friend of the show, Joe Swash.

-Yea.

-He was in series one.

-Good lad.

What would you do, Emma, if I told you Joe Swash was sat in

this very audience right now?

Shut up!

-Well...

-He's not.

-He isn't, but we are going to

give you two the chance to win some prizes in a special

redheaded themed game.

-Do you fancy that?

-Of course!

-Yeah, course!

-In that case, ladies, come and join us

down here, because it is time to play Chin It To Win It.

Excellent, come on!

AUDIENCE CHEER

Welcome to the game that's all mouth and, well, all mouth.

Behind these picture frames are five lovely redheaded celebrities.

Molly and Emma, you have just one minute to identify each of them.

But only by the look of their chin and what they are saying.

-Understood?

-Understood!

Good. I'm glad someone does.

For every one you get right, we will give you a prize

from the Wind-Up prize stash. Pretty cool, eh?!

-How does that sound?

-Yeah, that sounds good.

Here we go. Best of luck. 60 seconds on the clock.

Your time starts now.

Who's this celeb?

-Hello, my brother is going to be the King of England.

-Prince Harry.

Let's see if you're right.

AUDIENCE CHEER

-Who is this celeb?

-I'm a singer-songwriter.

-BOTH: Ed Sheeran!

Let's see if you're right...

-You are doing really well.

-Who is the celebrity?

You are the weakest link.

Anne... Anne...

Robinson. Anne Robinson!

You are right! You are doing really well!

Who is this celebrity?

Harry, Harry Potter! I've broken my wand.

-Ron Weasley!

-Let's see if you're right.

We'll give you that.

-Last one. Who is this celebrity?

-Oh, Norris, stop gossiping.

-Go and make me a cup of tea.

-Norris...

Big soap.

-Rita Sullivan!

-Let's see if you're right.

-Rita from Corrie!

High-five to that. High-five to that.

Oh, yeah, awkward fives, awkward fives!

-That was brilliant.

-You did fantastically well there.

You got five right, which means you have won five prizes

from the prize stash.

Well done, well done.

Right now we're going to give you the chance to win tonight's

star prize, a camcorder.

But only if you can identify our final celebrity.

This time you only have ten seconds to do it.

The way you have been going,

it's nine seconds more than what you need.

-Do you understand?

-Yes, we understand.

-Best of luck.

I am going to reveal the curtain, the curtain of destiny.

Best of luck. Ten seconds. Here we go.

Your time starts now. Who's that?

All right! I used to play...

-That's Joe Swash!

-Is it Joe Swash?

Let's see if you're right.

-Well done.

-It is indeed, Emma.

It is your celebrity idol, Mr Joe Swash, which means

you have won tonight's star prize, as well as all those prizes.

-You won a camcorder, everyone!

-Fantastic!

-Brill. Thank you.

-You did so well they are.

That was such a fantastic impression of Joe Swash.

Who is actually behind there? Who's behind there?

-Give us a kiss.

-It's the real Joe Swash!

Give him a kiss! Give him a kiss!

Good to see you.

Hello, how are you? Lovely to see you.

-Well done, mate.

-Thanks, fellas.

-Lovely to have you here.

-I'm so well.

-How are you feeling?

-I'm totally hot and red.

He's hot and red as well.

Oh, fantastic. Brilliant.

Well done, Joe. Great impressions, by the way.

I think I've found a new career for myself.

And a new wife. And a daughter.

Bringing families together, Wind-Up!

Joe, you're sticking around.

-We're having a chat with you in a minute.

-Yes, I will be. Definitely.

Molly and Emma you are now going to be spending

the rest of the show in our VIP area, the Wind-Down Zone.

-It's lovely in there.

-Don't worry, Joe will be coming with you.

-He will.

-You'll be playing in our end game later on as well.

Does that sound good?

-BOTH: Yes!

-Fantastic.

You've been fantastic sports.

Please, ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for Molly, Emma and Mr Joe Swash!

CHEERING

-Go for it!

-Off you go.

Hi, I'm Shannon Flynn and I can't recommend watching

Sam And Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up enough.

I recommend it, I recommend it, I recommend it.

Actually, that probably is enough.

'Ladies and gentlemen, tonight on the Wind-Up Wheel, Mr Joe Swash!'

-Lovely Joe Swash, how are you feeling?

-I'm all right.

-I'm slightly nervous.

-Don't be nervous.

-Don't be nervous.

-It's fine.

When we rehearsed this there was a seatbelt and it's not here no more.

Let's gloss over that fact.

Yes, this is the Wind-Up Wheel where we are giving

the celebrity interview a whole new spin.

In a roundabout sort of way.

Yeah, yes, yes, yes! WHEEL!

SILENCE FROM AUDIENCE

Anyway, here's how it works.

We'll be giving Joe a right big spin. If he lands on Truth,

we'll ask him a relevant question about his showbiz life. Probably.

But if he lands on Wind-Up, we'll give him a forfeit.

It could be literally anything.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-How are you feeling now, Joe?

-Yeah, slightly more nervous.

-Right, let's get started and...

-ALL: Wind-up that wheel!

It's going quite fast, isn't it?

And... Stop!

It's a Wind-Up.

OK, pick a number between one and ten.

All right, I think I'll go for number two.

Excellent choice.

Do an impression of an elephant as loud as you can.

HE MIMICS AN ELEPHANT

-Pretty good, actually.

-I thought that was excellent.

And I had a little bit of mime going on with the nose.

I will give you that, Joe. I'll give you that.

OK, it's time to...

ALL: Wind-up that wheel!

Stop the wheel!

-Oh, same place.

-Wind-Up again.

OK, pick a number between one and ten.

-You've already had two.

-I've had two. I'll go for four.

-Number four.

-Yeah.

Excellent choice. Find three people in the audience to do the YMCA with.

-Go!

-Go, go, go, go!

What, do I just pick them out? I'll have you, I'll have you.

All right, who else? And I'll have you. Come on! Wicked!

-What do I do?

-Here we go!

-Ready?!

# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

# They have everything For young men to enjoy

# You can hang out With all the boys

# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

# It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A... #

Well done! Well done!

-I can't believe you made me dance on telly!

-Sorry, sorry!

-I hate dancing.

-OK, another spin...

ALL: Wind-up that wheel!

It's the last one, Joe, promise.

Stop the wheel!

-Truth.

-Joe, a number between one and ten, please.

Let's go for number one, shall we?

Oh, mate!

-Oh! Tough one.

-Go on, go on.

What was the name of the girl you fancied most at high school?

Oh, interesting.

-I went to a boys' school.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What was the name of the girl/boy you liked at high school?

It does say, "boy/girl."

-Yeah...

-All right, all right. So who did you look up to, boy wise, then?

I had a friend called Solomon.

-That's wrong.

-I'm afraid that's the wrong answer.

-What?!

-It was Ryan.

-Ryan.

-Do you remember little Ryan?

-No.

-You loved him.

-I don't remember Ryan!

-Do you not remember Ryan?!

You spinning on this wheel is making your head go a bit...

-I didn't know no Ryan.

-I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

You are meant to tell the truth.

Joe, thank you very, very much. How are you feeling after that?

Yeah, I've got a sweaty top lip.

I feel a little bit sick.

I'll tell you something. I think you've earned a good old rest now.

You can now head back to the good old Wind-down Zone.

-In fact, go and see Emma.

-Shall I go and see Emma?

-Yeah.

Give it up for Joe Swash, everybody!

VOMITING

Toilet's just round the corner, Joe.

Can somebody clean that up, please?

OK, it's time to meet some more friends of ours.

It's Blake and Rowan!

-All right.

-Hello, lads.

-How are you doing? Are you all right?

-Yep.

Now, not so long ago, we took our hidden cameras

to your house for a game of extreme hide and seek.

And your naughty parents were in on the whole thing.

Shall we take a look and see what happened

-when we played In Yer House? I think we should.

-We should.

OK, Blake, you can do the honours down camera number four, please.

Run VT!

You're entering the world of In Yer House,

an elite undercover task force, charged with winding-up the nation.

As an In Yer House agent, your objective is to go undercover

in viewers' homes and complete a series of highly skilled challenges.

Agent Rhodes, you will be manning mission control.

Agent Nixon, your accomplice is waiting for you at today's location.

You must both proceed there immediately.

And remember, don't get caught.

Gentlemen, this is your assignment. Please listen up.

This is today's target's house.

Agent Nixon, you will be hiding here in the garage.

This is today's target, Rohan, Agent Blake's brother.

Oh, they look alike, don't they?

-That's because they're twins, Agent Nixon.

-Oh...

This is Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman.

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-BOTH: Cha-cha-cha.

-That's enough of that.

Agent Nixon, this is your survival kit.

Please do not open this before I tell you to do so.

-Understand?

-Understood.

Agent Blake, how are we going to keep Agent Nixon quiet

-from your brother?

-Distract him with chocolates.

-OK.

Agent Blake, you now need to go and meet your brother.

Bring him back to the house. Once you've done that, Agent Nixon

-will be in his first position. Understood?

-Yes.

Cha-cha-cha.

-He loves a cha-cha-cha.

-I don't think he's taking this seriously.

Seven!

OK, Agent Nixon, I'm going to start you in your first position,

which is the garage.

Good luck and don't let me down.

-I won't let you down.

-Off you go.

-Save my chewing-gum.

-Argh!

I want it still to be there when I get back, by the way.

Sam, I've got to say this.

I'm not liking your attitude today.

HE GROANS

You're getting a bit too cheeky for my liking.

He's coming, he's coming!

-Hey, Mum.

-Hey, guys!

OK, In Yer House is go!

Mission one. Agent Nixon, opposite you there is a treadmill.

You now have six minutes to run 1km on the treadmill.

-Oh, my goodness!

-Come on, Agent Nixon, get out there.

Get out of there!

OK, Rohan is on the computer.

You've got six minutes. Come on, Agent Nixon!

TREADMILL BEEPS

Stop making the noise!

Make sure you put the emergency thing onto yourself

-and hold on to the rail.

-All right, Mr Safe.

TREADMILL BEEPS

You can go faster than that. You can go faster than that. Come on.

I'm just warming up.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Go faster, faster!

It says my heart rate is 103. That's not good.

I'd get to the doctors, mate.

Sam, you've done a marathon.

Come on, you can go faster than that.

What are you on now? What are you now?

-36.

-You can do this.

-You need to get to 100 to make 1km.

-100?!

Rohan is actually looking at the computer at the moment.

So he has no idea what you're doing.

-Are you sure he's not going to hear this?

-He's got his headphones on.

I think you are all right.

It is just really, really entertaining for me.

Come on, Nixon. You can do this.

-How far have you actually got?

-65.

66.

They will be coming in. This is going to be really tight.

Oh, my goodness me.

-How far have you gone?!

-I can't go any faster.

It don't go any faster.

-That's not what a real agent would say.

-90.

OK, you have got 0.1km left.

They are going to be coming any second. Come on!

Hurry up, hurry up! He's on his way, he's on his way.

Done!

He's on his way, he's on his way.

Sam, you have not got long to get there.

Be careful, be careful!

Hide, hide!

OK, mission two - you have to blow five raspberries loudly.

Now! Now! Now!

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

You've got to do it properly.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Come on!

-Were you playing football?

-Yeah.

He's gone. He's gone back to his seat.

OK, Sam. Mission three.

Congratulations, you've got through two missions.

Please, go into your survival kit and take out a mobile phone.

What I want you to do is call Agent Blake and have a chat with him.

Let him know that you will soon be relocating to the living room.

PHONE RINGS

The phone is now going.

Rohan's answering it.

Hello?

Hello, is Blake there, please?

Can I speak to Blake, please?

-Hiya.

-Hiya, Blake, it's Sam.

I need you to get Rohan somewhere and keep him occupied,

-so I can make my way into the living room without him noticing, yeah?

-OK.

-That's enough of that, Agent Nixon. That's enough of that.

-Brilliant.

All right, mate. I'll speak to you later.

As soon as he's taken him, you need to get inside the living room.

Rohan, I need to show you something in my bedroom. It's really cool.

I've just gone upstairs and checked. Do you want to come and see it?

-What?

-Just come up. It's really cool.

I'm not sure if it is still there.

Agent Blake is moving Rohan upstairs.

Go, go, go! Agent Nixon, go!

-Quick, get in position! Get in position!

-(What position?)

In the corner by the side of the sofa. In the corner.

Yes, that's it. Get in there.

Quick, lie down, lie down!

Use the beanbag, that's it. Well done, well done.

OK, Sam, they're back.

Don't worry, that's Blake, checking you're in position.

Well done, Agent Nixon.

I don't know how you've done it, but you've done it.

This is mission four.

What I need you to do, is to go into the front of your survival kit

and get out a remote control.

Turn on the TV, turn the volume up really, really loud.

Rohan's back on the computer.

Agent Nixon, is the remote control not working?

Sam, you can look round the sofa.

Rohan is still on the computer.

Go for it.

THE TV GETS LOUDER

There we go, there we go.

What?!

Argh!

Oh, he's got up.

What's happened?!

Hiya, Rohan!

ROHAN SCREAMS

Hi, Rohan, are you all right?

Me and Mark have been playing a little game

since you came in from school called In Yer House.

I have been hiding in your house ever since you got home from school.

-How are you doing? Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-You are rubbish.

-No!

Back to us in the studio.

-Oh, well done, lads.

-Well done. Brilliant.

What was that like watching that back, Rohan?

You are still shocked!

Say what?!

BOTH: Say what?!

-You were fantastic and you will not be going home empty-handed.

-Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! He's getting very excited. Don't get too excited.

We're giving you these In Yer House spy pens.

-Told you!

-But you will need to collect them from the Wind-down Zone,

where you will be spending the rest of the show. It's VIP!

-How does that sound?

-In all your faces!

I don't even know what that means. Give it up for Blake and Rohan!

Right now though, here's what else is coming up on tonight's

Big Friday Wind-Up. In your faces!

Mark gets a face full of kipper.

Two families crank up the tension in Splat In The Box.

And join us for even more in the Weekend Wind-Down.

'Oi, you lot! No silence in court.

'Please rise for his worship,

'Lord Justice Rhodes!'

Order! Order! Order!

Seriously, somebody order me a curry. I'm starving.

'And the parent prosecutor, Samuel Ethel Nixon QC.'

Well, what a suspicious looking bunch.

Something smells very, very fishy around here.

I'm sorry, that's my prawn bhuna.

Prawn!

Right, it's time to find out whose parents are guilty

of criminally embarrassing behaviour.

There's a few of you round here

and I know that you are very embarrassing, Hannah.

I've heard about you.

-You lost your suitcase once on holiday, didn't you?

-Yes.

Tell us what happened.

We lost our suitcase and I had to wear my husband's clothes.

This is so embarrassing! How do you find the defendant?

Guilty! Now apologise.

-I am sorry, world.

-Excellent.

But you are not the only guilty parent round here.

I know that you are very guilty, Mark.

-Yes.

-How are you doing, Mark?

-Not too bad, thank you.

-I've heard about you.

-Yeah.

I've heard that one day you got yourself on a little scooter,

-didn't you?

-It was electric, yes.

-And you went down the street, didn't you?

-Yeah.

Shouting what?

I am Batman!

-And this embarrassed you, didn't it, Connor?

-Yes, a lot.

Is he Batman?

I wish, but, no.

-How do you find the defendant?

-He's clearly not Batman.

-Guilty! Apologise.

-Apologise to the world.

-I apologise, world.

-Now, apologise to Connor.

-I apologise, Connor.

Apology not accepted.

-Apology not accepted!

-These crimes are far too petty.

We need to find the real menace to society.

In that case, it is time to call our star witness.

That star witness is you, Hannah.

You are shocked. Yeah, you're shocked.

Please, join us in the Wind-Up courtroom for Parents On Trial.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

Order! Order!

Hannah, have you any idea why you're standing before this court today?

-No.

-Well, maybe the following evidence will refresh your memory.

Mr Joe Swash, please bring out exhibit A.

Hannah, what can you see in this picture?

-Me.

-It's you, is it?

-Yes.

What we would like to know is, what on earth

are you wearing in this picture?

-An Elvis T-shirt.

-An Elvis T-shirt? Who dressed you like this?

-My mum.

-Why would your mum do such a thing?

She's a big fan of Elvis.

Oh, she's a big fan of Elvis.

Thank you, Mr Swash.

Elvis. Well, your mother sounds very embarrassing.

But I think we need more to go on.

Well, don't worry, your worship, because I have just the thing.

I give you exhibit B.

-An Elvis toilet seat. Look familiar, Hannah?

-Yes!

Really? Why does it look familiar?

It's in the downstairs bathroom.

There is your downstairs bathroom.

-Oh, dear!

-That is ridiculous.

-How many Elvis pictures are there?

-There's, like, 250.

-250!

It seems like an open and shut case.

But there is only one way to prove guilt. Bring out the accused,

Karen, the Elvis mum!

Here she is!

# You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

# Cryin' all the time

# You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

# Cryin' all the time

# Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

# And you ain't no friend of mine

# They said you was high class

# Well, that was just a lie

# They said you was high class

# Well, that was just a lie

# Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

# And you ain't no friend of mine... #

Thank you very much.

Let's hear it for Karen!

-Hannah, what did you make of that?!

-Horrible!

Horrible, eh?

Well, let's find out, shall we? It's time to reach a verdict.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?

Ah! It's unanimous.

Karen, the Elvis mum,

you have been found guilty of criminally embarrassing behaviour.

What do you have to say in your defence?

Long live the King!

-Long live the King, eh?

-She's not taking it very seriously.

Well, she should, because I sentence you to the next 20 minutes

being prodded by a tea lady with a stick.

Mr Swash, send her down!

Come on, Elvis. You're coming with me.

Leave the building.

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND CHEER

Justice has now been served.

But, Hannah, I think you deserve a reward for testifying.

So we are going to give you a tablet.

-How does that sound, Hannah?

-Great.

-Excellent stuff.

That is not all, because pretty soon,

you and your family are going to be going up against Molly

and her family in tonight's grand final.

You could win some more prizes.

-How does that sound?

-Great.

Excellent. So if you go and join those guys now in the Wind-Down Zone

and we'll see you later on.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up.

You've been a fantastic sport. It's Anna!

Hello, I'm Lauren Layfield and I always thought that

Sam and Mark was one person.

But now that I've watched Sam and Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up,

I can see that they are actually two people.

You guys should watch it, too.

Hey, is everyone here enjoying the show?

AUDIENCE CHEER

All right, this is the part of the show where Mark goes

head-to-head with a member of our studio audience, literally.

Mark, has anyone here have what it takes to beat you?

Oh, look at me, I'm all man and I'm going to win.

Whoever you put in front of me, big, small, medium sized.

OK, well, it's time to find out whose face you are about to face.

It's Isobel from Gloucestershire. Come on down, Isobel!

Here she is!

High-five! Sit yourself over here.

Don't sit, actually, just stand up!

-Don't sit down, we're standing up.

-Oh, right! Oh, right!

Isobel, tell us, why do you think you can beat Mark?

Because big dog's in town and big dog's hungry.

-And I'm the big dog.

-She's the big dog.

She's the big dog, Mark.

It's not the size of the dog, it's how you bite.

-Don't know what that means.

-I know what it means.

This is how we are going to play.

Here is Joe Swash with a box of Various Stuff.

Joe Swash, everyone.

AUDIENCE CHEER

-How are you?

-Right, here is how it is going to work.

Joe and I will be putting this Various Stuff onto

each of your faces.

All you have to do is tell us what's on your face.

-It sounds pretty easy, doesn't it, guys?

-So easy.

-Well, it's not!

Because guess what? You'll not be using your eyeballs.

-How does that sound?

-Scary.

-Mark, how does that sound?

I ain't scared of nothing, man.

Well, it's time to face the music and put your blindfolds on.

Mark, that's yours. Stick it on, please.

We've got a lovely one for you.

Right, we've also got these lovely little towels.

You're going to be laying on the floor, guys.

If you hold my hand, I'll show you where you're going.

Right, you sit over here.

OK, now sit yourself down and lay back flat on the floor.

Careful! No-one ever lays down like that.

Isobel, you will be going first.

Joe, would you like to show us here in the studio,

and everyone at home, what you will be putting on Isobel's face?

OK, I will be putting on Isobel's face a...

HE GROANS

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-Are you ready for this?

-Yes, I'm ready.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-You ain't ready!

-Yes, I am.

Stay still, Isobel, stay still.

Tell us what's on your face?

-It's cold.

-OK, interesting.

-I thought you were the big dog, Isobel.

-I am the big dog.

-Play the game.

-Come on, Isobel, we need an answer from you.

-What is it going to be?

-Is it a teaspoon?

It's a teaspoon!

Well done, Isobel!

One point to Isobel. Nice work.

-Mark...

-It's a stupid game, anyway.

..it's your turn. Are you ready?

-I was born ready.

-OK.

AUDIENCE GROAN

-Can I?

-You can do it, mate.

-I just want to open it up a little bit.

-Are you ready?

-Go for it.

Are you ready?

OK, Mark!

You need to tell us what's on your face.

It's a fish.

-Can you be more specific?

-Is it a t... tuna?

It's not, I'm afraid, Mark.

It's a kipper!

-It smells tremendous.

-Oh, my goodness me!

It gets right up the nostrils.

So the score so far is 1-0 to Isobel.

1-0 to Isobel.

OK, we're moving back over to Isobel.

Joe, if you would like to show everyone at home what

-you're about to put on Isobel's face.

-I love this game.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

I'll have to spread this on.

-Are you ready?

-What are you doing?!

Right, Isobel, tell us what's on your face.

It smells like chocolate.

It smells of chocolate. Interesting. So what could it be?

-What does it taste of?

-What do you think it is?

Chocolate spread.

Well done!

Right, Mark, we're about to show you what's going on your face.

Joe, if you'd like to show everybody at home.

GROANING

Here you go, Joe.

LAUGHTER

I love this game!

Mark! Mark!

Eh, come on, this is serious television.

Mark, tell us what's on your face.

I believe it's a banana.

It's a mashed up banana!

And it's going in my ear.

I'll wipe your face, mate.

My fingers still smell of that fish!

Right, it's 2-1. It is 2-1.

Isobel, it's time for the final one for you. Best of luck.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Here we go.

What is it, Joe?

Oh, dear. Go for it, Joe.

She's shaking, she's shaking!

Isobel, tell us - you might want to do it quickly -

-what's on your face.

-I don't know!

Are you forfeiting it?

No idea? Do you want to take a guess?

SHE SCREAMS

-Any idea?

-No!

-No idea. OK.

I'm in here! I've got you running scared!

Isobel, you don't have to be too scared. It was a fake millipede.

It was just a fake millipede.

-It was a little rubber one.

-Little fakey.

We are moving over to you, Mark.

It's 2-1. You could equalise here.

Best of luck, mate. Are we ready to find out what's going on your face?

Audience members...

CHEERING

..and you lovely people at home, here's what's going on Mark's face.

OMG!

GASPING AND SCREAMING

I was going to say, "Can I do it?"

But, Mark, I think I wouldn't touch this one, mate.

-It's that bad.

-In that case, I will put it on your face.

Go on, Sam! You're brave, Sam!

GASPING AND SCREAMING

It's eating the banana!

It's coming off a bit.

Let's put it round that way.

-No!

-Mark, you need to tell us.

What's on your face/neck?

It's a real millipede!

It is a real millipede!

Have a look.

Oh, my God! It's massive.

It's not going on the CV.

Thank you to our animal man.

Everyone, round of applause for our animal man.

Mark, congratulations. You got that last one right, which means

you've made things even Stevens. It's two each, people.

We have a tie-break situation. Tie-break situation.

Here's what's going to happen.

Joe and I are going to place an item on the top of your heads

at the exact same time.

Now, you can't use your hands. You have to tell us

what you think is being placed on the top of your head.

You need to shout out the answer.

Whoever shouts it out first will be the winner. Do you understand?

-Yes, I understand.

-Excellent.

For the viewers at home and everyone in the studio audience,

here's what we are putting on their heads.

GASPING

OK, ready, Joe? In three, two, one. Go!

Banana!

High-five! Well done!

-Right, Mark...

-How did you know that was a banana?

-The shape.

Banana!

Well done, Isobel.

Nice work. You got it straightaway, which means you are victorious.

And you get this I Beat Mark trophy.

Well done! Yeah!

-Anything you want to say to Mark?

-I knew I would beat you.

-Yeah! Anything you want to say to Isobel?

-I kind of knew that, too.

Well, congratulations, Isobel. Nice work.

Please give it up for Isobel and, once again, Mr Joe Swash!

-Come on, Isobel.

-See you later. Cheers, buddy.

Hi, guys, Bobby Lockwood here.

You are watching Sam and Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up,

The show that always makes me ho-o-o-w-w-w-l

in pain!

CHEERING

Welcome to the most spine-chilling game on TV.

-It's got tension lighting.

-It's got sinister music.

But most of all, it's got a big box with lots of horrible,

slimy stuff inside.

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

Let's welcome back our star players.

-Molly's team.

-And Anna's team.

-OK, Molly, please introduce your team.

-This is my best friend, Ellie.

-This is my Auntie Alison and this is Emma, my mum.

-Excellent.

Lovely to have you here, guys. Anna, introduce your team, please.

This is my friend, Eilidh.

This is my mum, Karen and this is my dad, Angus.

-Best of luck to everyone. This is a game of chance.

-And skill.

Each team will take turns to step up to...

BOTH: The box of horrors!

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

You've heard of jack-in-a-box, well, this is a splat-in-a-box.

Once there, guys, you will have just ten seconds to answer

a general knowledge question.

But be quick, because the longer it takes you to answer,

the more times you will have to wind-up the crank.

For example, if you take three seconds to answer your question,

that means three full turns of the crank.

But don't get one wrong, because if you do,

we have a triple T situation on our hands.

But, Mark, whatever is a triple T situation?

I'll tell you, Sam.

It is when a team must wind-up the crank for a maximum

ten terrifying turns.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

Nobody in the studio will know how many turns will make

the box open. Serious.

But when it does, ah, ah, ah, girlfriend!

In other words, one team will get very, very messy

-and the other wins the game.

-That's what I said.

Which means, the winning team will go home with

tonight's star prize, a games console.

For our viewers at home,

time to find out how many turns will open the box tonight.

And if you do not want to know, close your eyes now.

Now, to decide who goes first, Sam here has a genuine one smark coin.

-Let's have a look at it.

-There it is.

-No expense spared.

Molly, what'll it be?

Will it be Sams or Marks?

Sams.

What have we got? What have we got?

It is Sams, which means Molly and your team, you will be going first.

If you would like to get into position, please.

Molly's team, your time will start when Mark finishes

asking the question. Best of luck.

-Who wrote the book Hetty Feather?

-BOTH: Jacqueline Wilson.

Stop the clock.

-That was correct and you answered it in one second...

-Get in!

..which means one full turn.

One of the team members, Molly, if you'd like to turn it.

Here you go.

We're all right! We're safe.

OK, please swap positions.

OK, Anna's team, name three animals beginning with D.

Dog, dormouse...

Dinosaur.

Stop the clock.

-Sorry!

-I said dormouse.

You said dormouse, dog and dinosaur.

They were on this planet once.

Which is correct and you answered that in six seconds.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Which means six full turns of the crank. Anna, would you like

-to step forward?

-Probably not, but she will.

Best of luck.

BOTH: One, two, three,

four...

five.

One more.

Six...

Don't hide from us!

OK, You're safe.

Please, change places.

OK, Molly's team.

What is the sixth planet from the sun?

THEY MUMBLE

Uranus!

-It's wrong.

-Saturn!

-Oh!

-Saturn was the correct answer, but we have to take...

-Mum!

..your first answer.

It's a triple T situation,

ten terrifying turns.

Who's going up to step up to the crank?

Ellie, here we go. Ten turns. Here we go.

That's one, two,

three, four, five...

Keep your hand on the handle!

..six, seven, eight,

nine, ten.

We're all right! We're all right!

You nearly gave it an 11th crank there, you crazy person.

OK, well done, Molly's team. Change places.

The audience are getting panicky as well as us.

OK, good luck.

What country is hosting the 2016 Olympic and Paralympic Games?

-No idea.

-Come on, take a guess.

Japan.

-Wrong! It's Brazil.

-So it is.

-Mum!

-You know what that means, guys.

Ten terrifying turns.

Karen, you're doing it.

Ten turns, here we go.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight...

SCREAMING AND LAUGHING

LAUGHING AND CHEERING

Karen, if you'd like to stand there.

Oh! Guys, how are you feeling?

-Wet!

-Cold!

-Angus, you got the most of that, mate.

Bless you.

Well, you've been fantastic sports. You are not going home empty-handed.

We're going to be giving you

this commemorative smark coin set.

-Well worth it.

-It is worth it. How does that sound, guys?

OK, Anna's family, off you go.

A round of applause for Anna's family.

But the winning family, Molly's family, come over.

You are home and dry, which means you've won tonight's star prize,

-a games console.

-Yes!

-What do you think of that? Good?

-Fantastic.

-Thank you.

All in all, a pretty good day for you.

Let's hear it for our winning team.

It's Molly's team, everyone.

-That was scary.

-"I don't like him, or her. I don't know what it is."

Well, that is it from this week's Big Friday Wind-Up.

But the Weekend Wind-Down is just about to begin.

CHEERING

You are now all invited to our aftershow, backstage, VIP party.

Yeah, we're hanging out with everyone we've surprised tonight.

Joe Swash is going to be up there.

Yes, we've got more games, more gossip and behind-the-scenes extras.

So what are you waiting for? Come and join us!

Stay there! Now!

-You! You!

-How are you doing?!

I tell you what, we wound-up the week...

And now it is time to wind-down the weekend.

-Welcome to our very exclusive VIP Wind-Up Zone!

-Look at this!

Wind-Down Zone, I should say.

Absolutely, it's brilliant. Hey, we've got a brilliant telly.

-That's at least 53 inch.

-Absolutely!

-At least!

It's huge. Look, who we've got over there.

-It's Joe Swash. You all right, mate?

-Hey! Hello!

-Hey!

-Over here we've got Isobel, the winner of Mark Versus.

How are you doing, Isobel?

-She's got her trophy! Got her trophy!

-Rubbing it in my face.

We've got Rohan and Blake from In Yer House.

-You all right, lads?

-BOTH: Yeah!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but who on earth is that man out there?

Oh! It's not even a real dumbbell. Off you go! Come on.

What are you doing?! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

He's going the other way to what my hands are going.

That's fine. You do what you like, mate.

What a lovely location in the heart of Salford.

There's Bolton Wanderers football ground.

-No, it's Old Trafford - Man United.

-We've got families over here.

How are you doing, families? Bring it in, bring it in!

Oh, excellent.

OK, now, if you didn't see Big Friday Wind-Up,

here it is in a 30 second recap.

So, we started off the show with some Irish dancing. Why not?!

As you do.

I'm all right!

We put on some silly red wigs and we surprised Molly and her mum Emma.

-Joe slapped a fish on Mark's face.

-And a millipede was in my mouth!

Yeah, and we played Splat In The Box. It was all good. There you have it.

That was Wind-Up Round-Up.

Mark, sum that up using one facial expression, please.

Meh!

Come over here. Let's see what's over here. It's Joe Swash.

Let's have a smell.

He smells good! He's got the fish off his face.

Unbelievable! How are you, Joe?

-I'm all right. I've really had a good day today.

-I'm glad you have.

We love having you on this show, we really do.

Do you know what? I love being here.

My little boy, who's eight, he is a massive fan of the show.

So I have been going around stealing things.

So I can take them home to him later.

-He's called Harry, isn't he?

-Little Harry.

Thanks for being a fan of the show, Harry.

-Such a cool dad!

-Now, Joe, you enjoyed slapping that fish

-on Mark's face.

-I loved doing that.

I go through stuff like that quite a lot.

So to be able do it to someone else...

I got great pleasure from that.

Yeah, great satisfaction. The noise it made. It went PLEH!

A nice splat, yeah!

-Joe, we've not quite finished with you yet.

-OK.

We've got a general knowledge quiz, if that's all right?

-Oh, I'll smash this.

-Oh!

-Nice confidence.

Well, let's see if you smash it without using

-vowels in the answers.

-Oh, come on!

Best of luck. Question number one, what is your name?

No vowels.

-J.

-Yes!

-And the second name?

-Swsh.

-Very French!

-J Swsh.

-What colour is grass?

-Grn.

We'll give you that, we'll give you that.

What are our names?

Sm. Mrk.

-Sm.

-Somebody get him a towel!

-Mrk.

We'll give him that. Nice one!

What country is Neighbours set in?

Usala. Usalia. No?

No! That starts with a vowel!

Austr...

-It's Strl.

-What is it?

-Strl.

-Strl.

-Take the A and U out.

OK, which singer sang Chasing Pavements?

-Dl.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-You're getting good at this!

Who is the British Prime Minister?

Dvd... Yeah, Dvd.

-Cmrn.

-Yeah.

David Cameron, but it's close.

-What, what?! It's David Cameron?

-Yeah!

-You said it right, you said it right.

-I said it right.

Without saying the actual name.

What is the capital of Ethiopia?

-Have a guess!

-I think I know this as well.

-Do you?!

No, I don't.

Go on!

Tanzania. No, it's not that, is it?

It was Dds Bb.

So what was it really?

A dentist asks you to open your mouth and say what?

Hhh!

We'll go with that, we'll go with that!

-That's the end of the quiz. Let's end on "hhh".

-Hhh!

If you have just tuned in, Joe's not gone crazy, just so you know.

He's not allowed to use vowels.

-Well done, mate. Lovely to have you here, as always.

-Thanks, fellas.

We'll see you in a little bit. A round of applause!

Here they are. All right?

Earlier on Big Friday Wind-Up, we found out about Emma,

your obsession for redheaded men - Joe Swash in particular.

-Yes.

-He's just over there.

-Stop looking! Stop looking!

But Molly, we didn't talk about your obsession of all things stationery.

-Interesting. What's your favourite piece of stationery?

-Good question.

-Erm, laminators.

-BOTH: Laminators!

-Well, that's lucky, isn't it?

-There's one right there!

Just explain, what is a laminator? What does it do?

So you get a picture and you put a sheet over it

-and it makes it nice and perfect.

-So it puts plastic sheets on it?

-Yeah.

-So it's wipe clean. Good for recipes, Mark. Good for recipes.

-I'm loving the passion.

-Yeah!

-I'm loving the passion.

Now, due to your love of stationery, all things stationery,

we've devised a challenge just for you. Here's how it's going to work.

Do you want to tell everybody the name of it, Mark?

Yeah, it's called Punching Kittens.

Don't be alarmed. Don't be alarmed!

These are Mark's favourite pictures of his favourite kittens.

You've got loads of them, haven't you, mate?

Loads, but they are all in disarray.

I need you to organise them and stick them in my ring binder.

Does that sound like something you could do?

-It's a nice ring binder you bought, by the way.

-Yeah.

What?!

So here's how it's going to happen.

Molly, you are going to punch holes

in those pictures of the kittens. You are going to pass them to Emma.

Emma, you need to put them into Mark's ring binder.

If you manage to get eight in the ring binder, you will win a prize.

-Understood?

-Got it.

-We didn't tell them the kicker, did we?

-No.

-You've got to wear boxing gloves.

-There you go. They are yours.

-Stick them on.

-Get them on.

We should have told you before. It is going to take ages, this.

It is going to take ages.

-Go on.

-Get that on.

-That's wrong.

-There you go.

-They are two left ones.

-Really...

Yeah, yeah, we meant it, to have two left hands.

It's a challenge!

If you've got two right, then that's correct!

Exactly what we wanted, yes.

-All right, well, your time starts now.

-Go!

-I can't even pick...

-She can't even pick it up!

-Get in there!

Get them in there! That side, that side! You can do it!

That's it. Get it in there, Mum. Get it in there.

Can you put that one in first? I like him.

Wow, you are doing horribly.

Come on, you can do it.

This is teamwork, guys! This is teamwork.

Have you done it? You are doing a horrible job.

It's horrible.

-Well done!

-You're not punching them!

Stop punching me kittens!

Come on, you can do it, you can do it.

That's good hole punching, that is. That's good.

-You've not got long left, guys.

-Keep going.

Two, one, stop!

Stop punching those holes.

Excellent! Excellent! Good teamwork. I wouldn't cheer too much.

-You haven't seen this yet.

-I'm surprised you got any, to be fair.

-OK, we asked you for eight...

-Whoa, whoa, close it up.

OK, sorry.

-There we go, there we go.

-And clip them in. Thanks.

-Thank you.

-They're safe now, they're safe.

-We've got one, two, horrible job.

But, I've got to say, I liked your passion.

You don't win, but we are going to give you a consolation prize.

And that consolation prize is, you get to laminate

mine and Sam's faces for the rest of the show.

-Thank you.

-Fantastic, everyone's a winner.

Give it up for Emma and Molly, everyone!

It's now time for this.

-Playing tonight we have Joe Swash and Isobel!

-Are you all right, guys?

-Yeah.

-Still got a trophy. Still got a trophy.

Rub it in, why don't you?

Now, before the show we asked our Big Friday Wind-Up audience

which celebrity they think they look like.

Now, we're going to show you a clip of our audience members saying

who they look like. But we're going to stop it just before they say who.

-We want you to write down who you think they look like.

-OK.

-If it's right, then you'll win a point.

-Am I playing against her?

-Yes.

-No cheating. No cheating, OK?

-I'm going to win today.

First audience member, tell us who you think you look like.

I often get told I look like...

-Joe's right on there.

-Tough one, that.

Have a think, Isobel, write down an answer.

Who do you think he looked like? Have a write down.

-Joe thinks someone.

-I've got someone, yeah.

-Go on, write down an answer. You never know.

-I don't know.

Let's see Joe's. What's Joe got then?

I've gone from Rodney from Only Fools and Horses.

-He did look like Rodney.

-Nicholas Lyndhurst.

You've not managed to write anything down, Isobel.

But do you want to take a guess? You never know, you might get it right.

-Name a celebrity. No idea?

-Let's have a look!

I often get told I look like Daniel Craig.

You were close with Rodney...

Sam often gets told he looks like Brad Pitt.

That's about right, isn't it?

I don't really. Right, time for the next one.

Time for the next audience member.

I often get told I look like...

I know who that is! He's Hacker's mate.

She knows the name. It's not Hacker.

All right, you are writing one down.

Let's have a look. Audience member, who do you think you look like?

I often get told I look like

Peter Andre.

-What did you say?

-Dodge T Dog.

I like your answer better.

OK, we haven't got a lot of time left.

But thank you for playing the game.

I don't know who won, I don't think anybody did. Because who...?

I think we all did. In the name of entertainment, that was,

especially the Daniel Craig guy.

Joe, Isobel, thank you ever so much. It's been lovely to have you.

-And you.

-Give it up for Joe and Isobel, everyone.

But that is it.

Thank you ever so much for watching. It's been good fun, hasn't it?

It's been brilliant. Thanks to everybody who's been on the show,

Joe, Isobel, everybody else. It's been brilliant.

It's now time to end the show. Do you remember Karen,

who did that brilliant/awful impression of Elvis?

-Yes, I do, I do.

-Well, she's singing us out!

Oh, no! Did One Direction cancel on us?

Yeah, Louis is not very well, so he didn't turn up.

So here is Karen and her family singing another Elvis classic.

# When no-one else can understand me

# When everything I do is wrong

# You give me hope and consolation

# You give me strength to carry on

# And you're always there to lend a hand

# With everything I do

# It's the wonder

# The wonder of you... #

Well done, guys!