Ed Petrie Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind Up

'Is this boy's real name Larry?

'Why won't this girl look anyone in the eye?

'And is this man from the future?

'Welcome to the show where no-one is safe.

'It's Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up!'

AUDIENCE CHEERS

'Welcome to the show that's winding up the world.

'From studio two in Salford, it's Big Friday Wind-Up!'

My name is Joe, and I'm extremely nosey!

NOSE SQUEAKS

Please give it up for Sam and Mark!

MUSIC: Fiesta by The Pogues

CHEERING

HE SCREAMS

Yeah! HE LAUGHS

Argh!

-Hey-hey!

-Yeah, boy!

-Oh!

-BOTH:

-Welcome to the weekend!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-Oh, yeah!

-All right.

-Oh, yeah.

Are you ready for an hour of unpredictable entertainment?

Like this!

-LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Unpredictable! Unpredictable!

-See?

-Yeah!

-Oh!

-Didn't see that coming, did you?

-I've always wanted to do that.

-Amazing.

-Now, you will love tonight's show.

-We are joined by Ed Petrie and Shannon Flynn!

-Woohoo!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-All Right!

We will witness the rise of the machines

in Parents On Trial.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And find out what happened when we took our hidden cameras

to Bolton to play a game of In Yer House.

I want you to make a funny noise...

about now.

Ah!

-HE LAUGHS

-That was terrible.

That was terrible.

Right now, though, next we are looking for somebody

who's daddy has also been their mummy.

-Say what?

-Watch this.

And today on Howard Carter news,

we will be talking with the one and only,

Tutankhamen.

Please, Tutankhamen, take a seat.

LAUGHTER

Asa, we're coming to you!

Thank you. Yeah.

-Hey!

-Hey, Asa.

-Hello, mate.

Hello.

So, Asa, tell us what did we just witness there?

What was that?

Oh, um, that was my homework in year three of Tutankhamen

when we were learning about Egypt.

Oh, really? Excellent.

And your dad was in that, wasn't he?

-Yeah.

-Dad, were you happy with that performance?

I had his pyjamas on my head, so...

Yeah, it was funny. It was the funniest thing ever, wasn't it?

-Well, it wasn't all smooth sailing.

-Mm.

-Check this out.

Tutankhamen...

THEY LAUGH

I love a good outtake! Love a good outtake.

Well, it appears that you get on very well with your dad.

Is that correct?

-Yes.

-Excellent, but how well do you know your mum?

-Ooh.

-I don't know.

-No.

-Well, we are going to find out.

Come and join us as we play Who's Your Mummy?

-Come on. Come on.

-Off you go. Off you go.

Welcome to Who's Your Mummy?

In this tomb there are six mummies. One of them is your actual mummy.

All you have to do is guess which one of them is your mummy.

You'll be asking each mummy a question.

They can only respond through mime

and blowing raspberries.

Then you will choose which mummy is your mummy.

If you get the right mummy, you'll win a brand-new camcorder.

-All right!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Yeah.

-Asa, are you ready?

-I think so.

-Good.

-OK, Asa, your questions are there

hiding behind the incredible balancing stones of Egypt.

If you'd like to take them out of the stones...

Release the mummies! EGYPTIAN MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

OK.

Asa, read out the first question

and tell us which mummy you'd like to ask that to.

Remember, they can only answer through raspberry and mime.

"What is your best dance move?" to mummy number two.

MUSIC PLAYS

MUMMY BLOWS RASPBERRIES

OK, interesting. Interesting.

Asa, before we go any further,

is that a type of dance you would see your mummy do at home?

-No.

-OK. OK.

-OK.

So, you may be thinking that number two is not your mummy.

Read out your next question

and choose which mummy you'd like to ask it to.

"What is your favourite thing to watch on television?"

Mummy number five.

MUMMY BLOWS RASPBERRIES

Interesting.

Interesting.

That looked like it was possibly The X Factor.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Does your mummy like to watch The X Factor?

She does, but I don't think it's her favourite.

-Really?

-Ooh, OK.

And just out of interest, is your mummy shorter than you?

-Uh, no.

-Right. Interesting.

OK. Well, just think about that for later on.

Now for your final question, please, Asa.

Use it wisely.

"Where in the world would you most like to visit?"

to mummy number six.

MUMMY BLOWS RASPBERRIES

OK, Asa, now you must choose the mummy

who you think is your mummy.

But before you choose the mummy who you think is your mummy,

let's have a recap of the mummies.

'Will it be mummy number one, who...'

-HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-'Mummy number two, who...'

-HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-'Mummy number three, who...'

-HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-'Mummy number four, who...'

-HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-'Mummy number five, who...'

-HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-'Or mummy number six,

-'who likes a spot of the old...'

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

'The choice is yours.'

-Hmm. Tricky.

-OK.

-Tricky.

So, Asa, what are you thinking?

Which mummy do you think is your mummy?

Hmm, Australia, which I'm thinking is the jumping for the kangaroos.

Ah, OK.

And my mum would like to visit Australia,

so I'm going to say number six.

OK, in that case, mummy number six,

could you please come and stand over here next to me?

Over here.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Over here. There we go.

-Hi, Mummy.

OK, here we go. Here we go.

OK, we're going to find out whether that is your mummy.

Mummy number five, just take this off.

Is this your mummy?

-No!

-Who is it?

It's Ellie from across the road.

-Oh! So it's not your mummy!

-No.

-OK.

Ellie from across the road.

OK, mummy number four.

Let's take this off and see...

-Is this your mummy?

-No!

-Who is this?

-This is my friend Noam's dad, Ian.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Ian is not your mummy. OK.

Let's go to number three.

Let's take this off.

See if this...is your mummy.

Is this your mummy?

No!

-Who is this?

-This is my friend Noam.

-So it's not your mummy.

-No.

-OK.

Doing well. Doing well. Asa, doing well.

Wow. Well done. OK, number two.

Is this your mummy?

Ah!

-Is this your mummy?

-No!

Who is it?

It's my friend's mum!

-Right.

-Interesting.

OK, going to leave number one because, Asa,

before we reveal the last mummy,

we are going to give you the opportunity to swap them.

It's entirely up to you.

Do you want to...

-BOTH:

-Swap!

with number one...

-who you didn't ask any questions to?

-At all.

-I think I'll swap.

-Oh!

-OK.

It could be risky. It could be risky.

All right.

Oh, Mummy.

OK. Time to reveal whether the mummy you chose is indeed your mummy.

Is this your mummy?

-Is it your mummy?

-Yeah.

-It's your mummy!

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Whoo!

This mummy is your mummy.

OK. Well done. Let's have a look.

See who you originally chose.

Hello. Here's this?

Miss...

Mrs Bidgely, our head teacher!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS Oh!

-She is not your mummy!

-Not your mummy!

Oh, well done, Asa. You've done brilliantly.

You've won the star prize - a camcorder!

Yay! AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

And, Asa, you will now be spending the rest of the show

in the Wind-Down VIP Zone.

-All right.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Yes.

And you'll be playing our end game later,

-so you could win some more prizes. What do you think of that?

-Great!

-Yeah!

-Great!

-It is great.

Please give it up for Asa and of course his family and friends.

-Well done.

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Hi, guys. Bobby Lockwood here.

You're watching Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up,

the show that always makes me howwwwwwwwl...

in pain.

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'tonight on the wind-up wheel, Mr Ed Petrie!'

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

-How are you doing, Ed?

-Yeah. Yeah, great.

-THEY LAUGH

-A little bit nervous.

I'm not going to lie to you.

Ed, we're going to spin you right round, baby,

right round, like a record, baby, right round.

-What's a record baby?

-I don't know, sweetheart.

-OK.

But we're going to spin Ed round like one.

If he lands on truth, we're going to ask him

a highly intellectual question.

But if it lands on wind-up, we'll give him a forfeit,

and it could be literally anything.

How are you feeling about that, Ed?

Uh, again, quite nervous.

This is the sort of thing that Mark normally does on this show.

-Get Mark to do it.

-True. True.

-All right, all right.

-They've stitched me up enough on this show.

-That is true.

All right, let's get started, and...

-AUDIENCE:

-Wind up that wheel!

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Whoo!

-It's not too bad.

It's not too bad.

Ah, yeah!

Stop the wheel!

-Ooh!

-Wind-up.

OK, Ed, please choose a number between one and ten.

Uh, five.

-Five.

-Five.

It's in the middle.

-Beatbox.

-Ooh.

Go on!

HE BEATBOXES Whoo!

HE CONTINUES BEATBOXING

-Yeah!

-Uh!

-HE CONTINUES BEATBOXING

-Big finish!

-IMITATES RECORD SCRATCH

-Wicky-wicky!

-Not too bad at all.

-Very good.

-You like that, do you? Yeah. OK.

OK, lovely audience, it's time to...

-AUDIENCE:

-Wind up that wheel!

MUSIC PLAYS

Ah, yeah! Ah, yeah!

Anyone got any travel sickness tablets?

Stop the wheel!

-Oh, truth.

-Truth!

-Yeah.

-Ed Petrie, pick a number between one and ten.

-Uh, I'm going to go one.

-Oh, nice. Nice choice.

-Ooh.

-Ah, yeah.

If you could meet any person, who would it be?

Uh...

HE LAUGHS

Her!

She's pointing at me going, "Me!"

Let's make your dreams come true. Come on, you!

Come on! Come on. Come and meet...

Come on. Come and meet Ed. Ed wants to meet you.

-What's your name?

-Rebecca.

-Rebecca. Rebecca.

-Hello!

-Ed, meet Rebecca.

-I've always wanted to meet you more than anyone else.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-What a pleasure.

Round of applause for Rebecca, everyone!

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS Off you go!

Excellent. OK, it's time to...?

-AUDIENCE:

-Wind up that wheel!

MUSIC PLAYS

-Ah, yeah!

-Ah, yeah!

-Ah, yeah!

And stop that wheel.

-Oh, no.

-It's a wind-up.

-OK, Ed...

-He's not happy. He's not happy.

..choose a number between one and ten. You've already had five.

-Eight.

-Eight.

-Because it looks nice.

-It does look nice. Round.

-Yeah.

Become...

Become a pirate.

-SEA SHANTY PLAYS PIRATE ACCENT:

-Arrrrrrrr!

Arrrr! It's been a long day at sea, me lad.

Arrrr, I feel mighty seasick

on the Good Ship Truth and wind-up wheel.

Arrrr, I be! What's that, Polly?

What's that you say?

Pieces of eight?

Arrr, yes.

We'll be finding aplenty on a day like this, I be sure.

I've turned into a farmer!

It's time to wind up that wheel!

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Very good.

Ah, yeah! Ah, yeah!

And stop that wheel.

-Ooh!

-Truth.

Edward, choose a number between one and ten.

I'm genuinely feeling a bit sick.

Pick a number.

-Uh, have I had nine?

-You've not had nine.

-No. Nine.

-Let's have it.

-When did you last buy new pillows?

-Hmm.

-It's the question everyone wants to know.

-Yeah!

Uh, ooh, it must have been a couple of years ago.

And I actually took it for a bit of a test drive in the shop.

I actually lay on the floor of the shop to test them out.

-No, you didn't. You didn't.

-That's the wrong answer.

-You didn't.

-I'm sure...

-It was last night.

-Was it?

-It was last night, yeah.

-I don't know my own mind.

Yeah. Sadly.

Well, Ed, thank you very, very much. You've been brilliant.

-How are you feeling after that?

-Well, questioning my own sanity.

Yeah!

So are we, and we do it every day.

Well, I think you have earned a well-good nice rest

and some relaxation time in the Wind-Down Zone.

-It's VIP there, Petrie.

-Ooh!

-We'll see you later.

Give it up for Ed Petrie! AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHEER

He's dizzy. He's dizzy.

-HE HEAVES AND VOMITS AUDIENCE:

-Ew!

-Oh, yeah.

-It's running all over his wonderful T-shirt.

-Ah, mate.

-Oh!

OK, it's time to meet some more of our friends. It's Maddie and Ruby.

-Hey!

-Hey!

How you doing, Maddie and Ruby? Are you enjoying the show?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

-Fantastic.

-Excellent.

Now, not so long ago, we took our hidden cameras

to these girls' house for a game of extreme hide and seek,

and Maddie and your parents, Ruby, they were in on the whole thing.

-You didn't know anything, did you, Ruby?

-No.

-Silly.

-Shall we take a look at what happened

when we played In Yer House?

-Yeah.

-OK. Ruby, could you please do the honours down camera number four?

Run VT!

'You are entering the world of In Yer House,

'an elite undercover task force charged with winding up the nation.

'As an In Yer House agent, your objective is to go undercover

'in viewers' homes and complete a series

'of highly skilled challenges.

'Agent Rhodes, you will be manning mission control.

'Agent Nixon, your accomplice is waiting for you

'at today's location.

'You must both proceed there immediately,

'and remember - don't get caught.'

Please listen carefully.

This is your assignment.

This is Agent Maddie's house.

Agent Nixon, you'll be hiding here in the kitchen.

This is the target.

This is Ruby, Agent Maddie's sister, and this...

-Oh...

-Eugh!

-Oh, um...

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Just get rid of that.

This is your survival kit.

You can use this, but only on my instructions.

-Understood.

-OK. Agent Maddie, do you think we can keep Agent Nixon

-hidden from the target?

-It'll be a challenge, but I think so.

I like that confidence.

OK, agents, enter the field.

-You mean the house.

-Y-Yeah. Enter the house.

OK, let's go, Maddie. Let's do it.

ALARM WAILS

Target has entered the area and In Yer House is a go.

Go, go, go, go.

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Quickly, quickly. Get in position.

Ruby!

Sam, how are you feeling?

(I can hear her upstairs.)

Come downstairs. We've got a really funny video to show you.

-I'm not ready yet!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

She's not ready yet!

Ah!

Ruby, we've been waiting for ages.

-I'm... Ooh!

-THEY LAUGH

Sit down, for goodness' sake!

Target has entered the area. In Yer House is a go.

-Have you seen this one?

-No.

Mission one, quietly open the survival kit

and remove the bag of crisps.

You must sandwich five crisps together, eat them in one,

and most importantly, don't get caught.

-Imagine that!

-SHE LAUGHS

She's just at the table, so do it quietly.

INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TABLET SPEAKERS

She's moving. She's on the move.

She's on the move. She's on the move.

As long as there's...

Be careful. Be careful, Sam. She's looking.

Just stay behind the door. Stay behind the door.

CRISP PACKET RUSTLES

How is she not getting him?

CRUNCHING

OK, Sam. Congratulations. You've done mission one.

I don't how.

Mission two, within the survival kit

you'll find a plastic bag with other plastic bags.

You must separate these bags.

Very important.

PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES

Congratulations. You've completed mission two.

OK, for your third mission, go back into the backpack.

You will find a wax strip.

I want you to use one of those wax strips on your arm.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Not so confident now, Mr Nixon.

Now you're in trouble. You're in trouble.

This is going to hurt, this is going to hurt...

INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TABLET SPEAKERS

THEY LAUGH

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

HE MOUTHS

Oh, bless him.

OK, well done.

You've done three missions.

Now it's going to get very, very tricky.

I want you to move from the kitchen to the dining room.

Once there, you'll find a serving hatch

which joins the two rooms.

You must pop into this hatch three times.

You have to pull a funny face the first time you pop up.

The second time you need

to be wearing the glasses in your kit,

and on the third time, you must make a funny noise.

You will need courage, stealth and speed. Get ready to go.

Get ready to go, Sam, Sam, Sam. She's out of the way.

Go, go, go, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.

He's gone, he's gone, he's gone. He's gone.

Well done, Sam. Well done, Sam.

You're in the dining room area. Well done.

Is the wax really hurting you?

Yeah. AUDIENCE LAUGHS

OK, Sam, what I want you to do is get under the serving hatch

and then I will tell you when I want you to pop up.

You're doing very well so far,

but it's going to get even harder now.

Ruby, I think she knows something is up,

but she doesn't know quite what it is.

Pop up and pull a funny face.

Pop up. Pop up. Go, go, go.

That was rubbish. That was rubbish.

I want you to do it for longer than that with the glasses, Sam.

With the glasses next.

Go, go, go.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Third and final time I want you to pop up.

I want you to make a funny noise. About now.

-Ah!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That was terrible.

That was terrible.

Congratulations, Agent Nixon.

You've done very, very well here, but now it's time for mission five.

In the room by you is a piano.

What I would like you to do is play this music on the piano.

RINGTONE PLAYS OVER SPEAKER

Oh, yeah!

Come on, Sam. You can do it.

THEY CHAT INDISTINCTLY

PLAYS TUNE SOFTLY

That is funny!

INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BACKGROUND

PLAYS TUNE SOFTLY

Do it louder. Louder. You can do it.

SHE LAUGHS

She absolutely hasn't got a clue.

You've done really, really well.

Sam, you need to get out of there quickly. Quickly, Sam.

Get out of there. Mission five completed. Well done.

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Wow. That was pretty impressive.

-Well done. Well done, stealth man.

-Look at this.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Look at that.

That is taking one for the team!

-That was so hard.

-Oh.

Opening that packet of crisps was the hardest thing I've ever...

It's never been harder opening a packet of crisps. Ridiculous.

-You had to those gloves on as well.

-Well, yeah.

Yeah, well done. You did well.

-You did me proud. Well done, Agent Nixon.

-Thanks.

Shall we go in and tell them what on earth has been going on?

-I think we should.

-Come on. Let's do it.

-What?!

-All right?

-Hi!

-How are you doing?

THEY LAUGH

How are you, Ruby? How you doing?

-I'm Sam.

-I'm Mark.

-Wow.

-Nice to meet you.

Now, we've been playing a game called In Yer House,

-and Agent Nixon here...

-How you doing?

..has been doing some missions.

Oh, you guys!

THEY LAUGH

You've been in this kitchen the entire time

and I've been in there doing different challenges

like eating a packet of crisps, and you didn't hear me do that.

I've had to wax my arm. THEY LAUGH

I've had to wax my arm.

Look, all the evidence is down here.

Look!

All the evidence is there!

-I don't believe it!

-THEY LAUGH

OK, so that's In Yer House. Mission complete.

-Well done, Agent Nixon.

-Good luck on the next challenge.

-I'd put some moisturizing cream on that if I were you!

-Really sore.

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Oh, well done, girls. Brilliant. That was really good.

The hair has still not grown back.

We filmed that months ago. The hair has still not grown back.

-It's quite smooth.

-Guys, you have been fantastic sports.

-You're not going to be going home empty-handed.

-No, you're not.

We are going to be giving you these rather excellent

In Yer House spy pens.

Yes, and because you went through all five challenges

with the fantastic help of Agent Maddie...

Thank you, Agent Maddie. You were awesome getting me through that.

..we're going to give you some spy watches as well. Yeah!

-All right!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

You guys will need to collect these from the Wind-Down Zone,

and that is where you'll be spending the rest of the show.

And it's VIP, baby!

-How does that sound? BOTH:

-Good.

-Excellent.

-Really awesome.

Give it up one more time for Maddie and Ruby.

-Off you go, girls.

-See you later, girls.

-Off you go.

-See you later. Off you go. Off you go.

-VIP style! Whoo!

Right now, though, here's what else is coming up on Big Friday Wind-Up.

Mark has a trying time trying to rhyme.

The tension is cranked up in Splat In The Box,

and join us for even more in the Weekend Wind-Down.

'Oi, you lot! No silence in court!'

AUDIENCE CHEERS

'Please rise for His Worship, Lord Justice Rhodes.'

Now, when I say "law," you say "and order". Law!

AUDIENCE: And order!

-When I say "just," you say "ice." Just!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ice!

That's what I'm talking about.

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-'And the parent prosecutor,

'the criminally good-looking Samuel Kathryn Nixon QC.'

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Just to clarify, there is nothing criminal about my good looks.

Time to find out whose parents

are guilty of criminally embarrassing behaviour.

I'll tell you who's guilty here.

You!

Or is it you?

No, it's you!

Tell us about that embarrassing time.

-Uh...

-Stop there, because it's not you. It's you, Julie!

Oh! Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh...

-Oh.

-..indeed, Julie.

-Is this your daughter?

-It is indeed.

-Hi. Is your name Ellie?

-Yeah.

-Hi, Ellie. Now, I understand, Julie,

that you do a fantastic impression of Donald Duck.

-Maybe.

-Much to the embarrassment of Ellie. Is that right, Ellie?

-Yeah.

-So you wouldn't want to hear this on television, would you?

-No.

-Julie, let's hear it.

-I just don't want to spit on their heads.

OK, yeah, don't spit on their heads. Cover them up. Cover them up.

OK.

SHE IMITATES DONALD DUCK

It's Donald Duck having a wash.

You are happy to spit on my face, though.

-Sorry. I like to share.

-How do you find the defendant?

Guilty. Apologise.

Apologise to the world.

I apologise.

Now apologise to Ellie.

Ellie, I apologise.

Hmm. Yes, we're on a roll, a justice roll,

and we need to fill that roll with something meaty.

Well, in that case, Your Honour, it's time to call our star witness.

It's you, Georgia!

Oh, my days.

Please join us in the Wind-Up Courtroom

for Parents On Trial.

Off you go. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Order. Order.

I should really clean this gavel.

Georgia, have you any idea why

you're standing before this court today?

No.

Well, I would like to bring your attention to exhibit A,

an audio clip.

Please open your ears, everyone, for this.

'Did you use any of your own bags?'

'Yes, I brought my own bags, thanks.'

-Does that sound familiar...

-Oh, no!

-..Georgia?

-Yeah. Yeah, it does.

-Who was that?

-That was my dad.

-What was he doing?

Basically, in the shops when they have

the little self-service machines, when it speaks to you saying,

"Please take a bag," he speaks to the machine.

Hmm, yes. Your dad talks to machines.

Well, I did have a very interesting conversation

with a pay and display machine once, but that's by the by.

Your Worship, I would like to call a witness to the stand -

Mr T Raffic Light.

Hmm. You look familiar.

-Mr T Raffic Light...

-Yes?

..what did the accused once say to you ?

Well, he was utterly ghastly to me.

I went red and he got very, very angry

and said some naughty words.

And then when I went green like this...

..he just drove off without an apology or a goodbye. Oh!

Order. I'm afraid I find this witness very unreliable.

His colours are always changing, makes me see red, then amber,

then green, then red, then green, then amber, then green,

-then red, then amber...

-Your Honour, Your Honour, stop!

You need your roots doing. AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Thank you, Mr T Raffic Light.

Huh!

-Now, Georgia...

-Hello.

..I want to know has your dad ever sung to a machine?

No. My dad, probably yeah.

Oh, interesting. Interesting.

Where is your dad today, Georgia?

-He's at work.

-At work.

Oh. Well, Georgia, I put it to you that he isn't there.

-Oh, my...

-He's here.

I'd like to bring out the accused, Georgia's dad!

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

MUSIC: Something Stupid by Frank Sinatra

# I know I stand in line until you think you have the time

# To spend an evening with me

'..to scan an item or press green to start.'

# And if we go someplace to dance

# I know that there's a chance you won't be leaving with me

'Did you use any of your own bags?'

# And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place

# And have a drink or two

'Please wait for assistance.'

# And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like... #

-'Unexpected item in bagging area.'

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Let's hear it for Colin,

and let's call her Leslie, the self-checkout machine.

-Hmm.

-Georgia.

-Hello.

What did you make of all of that nonsense?

-It's embarrassing.

-Yes. Yes, it is.

OK, well, we'll see how embarrassing.

Time to reach a verdict.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?

-Hmm.

-We've got one not guilty.

Oh, changed at the last minute. Changed at the last minute.

Unanimous, Colin. I think you're a man with your wires crossed.

What do you have to say for yourself?

-I'm sorry, Your Honour.

-Hmm.

Well, you have been found guilty of criminally embarrassing behaviour,

therefore I sentence you to the next 20 minutes

polishing our BAFTA we won.

Send him down.

Gently.

Bye-bye, Colin. Bye-bye.

And we and can we please have a round of applause

for the clerk of the justice, Shannon Flynn, everyone.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS Shannon Flynn.

It would appear that justice has indeed been served here today,

but, Georgia, I think you deserve a reward for testifying,

so we're going to give you a brand-new tablet.

-How does that sound?

-Thank you.

-You are very, very welcome.

And that is not all, because pretty soon you and your family

are going to be playing against Asa and his family

in tonight's grand finale, so you could win some more prizes.

If you'd like to go and join those guys now in the Wind-Down Zone,

we'll see you a little bit later on.

Please give it up for Georgia, everyone.

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

-I'm Jennie McAlpine.

-And I'm Ted Robbins.

Yes, and we love watching Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up.

Yeah, as long as Coronation Street isn't on, of course.

Oh, of course, yes.

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Hey, guys, is everyone enjoying the show?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Yay!

-Yay!

Well, seeing as everyone is happy as Larry,

it's time to play a game that we like to call As Rhyme Goes By.

MUSIC PLAYS

Yeah! This is the part of the show where Mark does battle

with a member of our studio audience.

Mark, are you feeling like a winner, winner, chicken dinner?

Thinner.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS Good. OK!

It's time to find out who you'll be facing.

MUSIC PLAYS

Who's it going to be?

# Bring it on! #

It's Ben from Oxford. Come on down, Ben!

Come on!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

boy!

All right.

Come next to Mark. Don't be shy.

Ben, tell me, why do you think you can beat Mark?

Because they call this show Sam & Mark not for Mark's credit

but because if they didn't call it that

-Mark would forget his own name.

-SAM LAUGHS

-AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

-He's right. Don't clap that!

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

He has got a good point.

Well, here's how you play.

This is the rhyme screen,

because we couldn't afford a machine.

It will generate a random word and you guys will take it in turns

to come up with words that rhyme with that word that's on the screen.

For example, let's see a word.

-Time. Rhyme it.

-Rhyme.

-Mime.

-Correct. Excellent. And we'll keep going.

If there's any problems at all during the game

and we're not happy with a certain word

and whether it actually rhymes,

dictionary corner, rhyming dictionary corner,

they will get in touch and they will say, "No, I'm not happy."

OK, Ben, you will always be going first

because we want to give you the advantage.

Best of luck. Here we go with the first word.

-Book.

-Nook.

-Luck.

-Tuck.

Truck.

-Suck.

-Muck.

Muck.

-BELL RINGS

-I think I may have said that, just.

Dictionary corner, have we had a repeat of that word?

I think we may have just had muck and then muck again.

Which means in round one, Mark, you win the points.

Course I do.

Yes!

Here comes the next word.

-Fill!

-Kill.

-Harsh. Mill.

-BELL RINGS

Harsh doesn't rhyme with the word.

-Yeah, that's...

-No!

You're stitching me up here!

No, we've got to take your first answer, Mark.

-Oh!

-Come on.

Here we go with the next word.

-Hair.

-Wear.

-Scare.

-Snare.

Ooh. Flair.

Bear.

-Tear.

-Fair.

Pear.

-Tear.

-He's said tear about 400 times.

BELL RINGS

-Ben, I believe that tear has been said before.

-Oh!

-An audience member wants to...

-Audience member, here we go.

There are two tears. Tear and tare.

Ah. Interesting. And who are you?

-I am Ben's dad.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Ben's dad. Come here, Ben's dad.

-You are genius.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Yes!

Ed Petrie, take off that mic.

Take off your mic.

-Right, go and sit in Ben's dad's seat over there.

-But it's...

-Go and sit...

-This is highly irregular!

-Go and sit in the audience.

-He can't be a judge.

-Sit in the audience.

-Be biased.

-All right.

-Completely impartial.

Ben's dad, sit down, mate. Sit down, mate.

I feel it is slightly biased.

-Right. Here we go. Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

-Meet Shannon.

-Hi. Nice to meet you.

-I'm Mark again.

-Mark.

-Ed has been replaced with Ben's dad. Are you all right, Ed?

-So, does that mean I'm now his dad?

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Yeah.

-Go on, son!

Ben, if you win this round, you have won...

-Oh, he probably will!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

OK, here we go.

Pants.

Plants.

Ants.

France.

-France?

-Yeah.

Perchance.

-Perchance?

-Aha!

Chance.

This has gone horribly wrong. AUDIENCE LAUGHS

BELL RINGS Three, two, one.

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Well...

Ben, you did get the final point there,

which means you are today's winner.

You have beaten Mark, which means you get this I Beat Mark trophy.

There you go. AUDIENCE CHEERS

Fair and square. Fair and square.

Mark, how are you feeling?

Really heartbroken.

Are you feeling sad because you're bad?

-No, I mad!

-SAM LAUGHS

Ben, you are now going to be spending the rest of the show

in the Wind-Down Zone with your lovely dad.

We'll see you later on. Give it up for Ben and his dad

and of course Shannon Flynn and Ed Petrie.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

No, this isn't a wind-up.

I am Nick Jonas and you are watching Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up.

What better way to start your weekend?

Welcome to the game that will make you feel

-like your backbone has been put in the fridge.

-That's right.

It's spine-chilling. It's also got a crank.

But most of all, it's got a big box with lots of horrible,

slimy stuff inside.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ew!

-GHOULISH LAUGHTER

Let's welcome back our star players.

-Asa's team.

-And Georgia's team.

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

OK. Asa, introduce your team.

I'm Asa. This is my friend Matthew, my mum Meryl and my dad Ali.

Excellent. Lovely to have you here, guys.

Georgia, please introduce your team.

I'm Georgia.

This is my sister Alex, my brother Liam and my dad Colin.

OK, now, this is a game of chance.

And skill!

Each team will take turns to step up to the...

-BOTH:

-The box of horrors!

-THUNDERCLAP

Once there, you will have ten seconds to answer

a general knowledge question.

But be quick, because the longer it takes you to answer,

the more times you will have to wind up that crank.

For example, if you take three seconds to answer your question,

that means three full turns of the crank.

Don't get one wrong, though, because if you do,

we have a triple T situation on our hands.

Mark, I'm really sorry, but I completely...

I forget this every time.

What is a triple T situation?

Well, I'll tell you, Sam.

It's when a team must wind up the crank for a maximum

ten terrifying turns.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Whoo!

Nobody in the studio will know how many turns

will make the box open.

But when it does,

it's S to the L to the I to the M to the E time.

-That spells slime.

-Yeah.

And the other wins the game.

Which means that they will go home with tonight's star prize -

a games console in a box.

-Yes!

-Amazing prize.

In a box! In a box and everything!

OK, for our viewers at home,

time to find out how many turns will open the box tonight,

and if you don't want to know, close your eyes around about now.

Now, to decide who goes first,

Sam here has a genuine one smark coin.

Asa, what will it be? Will it be Sam's or Mark's?

-Hmm, Sam's.

-OK.

-Oh, good flick.

-Big one.

-Nice.

It's Mark's, which means, Georgia's team,

you guys are going first.

If you'd like to get into position...

Now, your time will begin

when Mark finishes asking the question.

Name three Premier League football teams

that play their home games in London.

-Chelsea. Arsenal.

-Tottenham.

-Crystal Palace.

-Correct.

You answered that in three seconds, which means three full turns.

Who's going to be doing the honours?

Georgia, if you'd like to step up, please.

OK.

-Shall I go now?

-Go for it.

One. Two. Three.

Safe.

Please swap places.

Pacific, Indian and Atlantic are all types of what?

-Ocean.

-Ocean.

-Correct.

-You answered that very quickly.

-Mm.

-One second.

-Well done.

Which means one full turn.

Who's doing the honours?

Asa, off you go, mate.

-One.

-Safe.

-Safe.

OK. Please swap places.

Which Paris landmark was completed in 1889.

-ALL:

-Eiffel Tower.

-Correct.

You answered that in one second.

-Excellent.

-One full turn.

Georgia.

Yes. Confident.

Georgia was confident. OK, please swap places.

It's getting tense in the studio.

How many letters are there in the word alphabet?

-24.

-No, no.

It's wrong.

Oh.

How many letters are there in the word alphabet?

-It's eight.

-Oh!

Not IN the alphabet.

So, this means ten terrifying turns, Asa.

Who knows what will happen? Let's find out.

Best of luck.

-BOTH:

-One.

Two. Three.

PARTY WHISTLE BLARES

SCREAMING AND LAUGHTER

IT LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Oh, no!

Got it on my face.

You got it on your face? Don't say it to them!

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Well, guys, you're not going to be going home empty-handed.

We're going to be giving you some commemorative smark coin sets.

-Does that sound all right?

-Yeah. Fantastic.

Hey! All right. Give it up for Asa's family, everyone.

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

-Off you go.

See you later, Asa. See you later, guys.

-Oh.

-Byesie-bye.

-Georgia's family, come over here.

-Round of applause for Georgia's team!

-Yay!

-AUDIENCE CLAPS

-Well done. You did brilliant.

You are home and dry, which means you win tonight's star prize -

-the games console.

-Yay!

-Whoo!

-Are you happy?

-ALL:

-Yeah.

Well, you should be. You're very dry.

Let's hear it for both teams, but especially our winning team -

Georgia's team.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS

-Off you go, guys.

Careful. It's very slippy.

It is very slippy. That's it for Big Friday Wind-Up.

Thank you for watching, and thank you to our lovely audience.

-Give yourselves a round of applause.

-Hey!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS You've been lovely.

-Lovely audience.

-Absolutely, but the Weekend Wind-Down is about to begin.

You are now all invited to our VIP aftershow Wind-Down party.

Yeah, we're hanging out with everyone we've surprised tonight.

Yeah, CBBC's Ed Petrie and Shannon Flynn will be there.

Yeah, we've got games, gossip and behind the scenes extras.

So, come on, you. Come and join us, will you?

What's this? What's this?

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

-BOTH:

-Argh!

Whoo!

How you doing? How you doing?

-Don't drop your camera!

-Hey!

-Don't drop your camera!

-We wound up the week.

-It's now time to wind down for the weekend.

Welcome to our exclusive VIP Wind-Down Zone, everyone.

-Look at this!

-Hey! Hey!

Leave him alone.

OK, so, if you did miss Big Friday Wind-Up,

first off, why did you miss it?

-Yeah.

-But here it is in a 30-second recap scenario.

So, we just recycled the idea from the top of the show

and crashed into some boxes. Why not?

Asa identified his mummy in a game of mime and raspberry blowing.

Ed Petrie became a pirate and met his number one fan.

Georgia's dad Colin sang a duet with a self-service checkout

in Parents On Trial.

Ben's Dad chucked Ed off set when he played As Rhyme Goes By.

And Georgia's family beat Asa's family in Splat In The Box.

-And I got a bit of it on me as well.

-You did. You got covered.

So, there you have it.

That is Wind-Up round-up in just 30 seconds.

Mark, sum the whole 30 seconds up with a yodel.

HE YODELS

Not traditional, but I like it.

-Come over here. Hi, everyone.

-Hello. Hello.

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Look who it is!

Asa and family and Georgia and Colin with his self-service checkout.

'Did you use any of your own bags?'

Oh, look at that! It's talking and everything.

-How you doing, guys? You all right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

-On Big Friday Wind-Up,

Asa and his family got absolutely covered in slime.

-You still look great, though.

-You do look good.

-And you did win some prizes earlier as well.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah!

-Yeah, yeah!

All right, we'll be talking to you later on,

-but right now look who's over here.

-It's Shannon Flynn!

-BOTH:

-Yay!

-Hello, lovely. You all right?

-Hiya. I'm great, thanks.

-OK.

-Thanks for being here.

-Thanks for having me.

-You're more than welcome.

-It's a pleasure.

-I've been trying to get on this since series one.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-Aw! Thanks.

-Well, you'll love this then.

-Oh, great.

-This is a quiz but with a difference.

Shannon, we're going to give you the answer to the question.

-What you need to tell us is what the question is.

-OK.

-It's pretty simple.

-Oh, it's tense.

Here we go. All right. The first answer is banana.

-What's the question?

-Hmm.

Um, OK.

Name a fruit that's yellow. Name a fruit that's yellow?

-No, it's "Which fruit most resembles a telephone?"

-So close.

-So close.

-Close.

-That is a fact, yeah.

The next answer is why.

-Why?

-BOTH:

-Why.

Um... Who, what, where, fill in the blank.

-Close.

-No.

It's "What is the fifth longest river in the UK?"

-So close.

-It's the River Wye.

-Oh.

-The River Wye.

-You're doing well, though.

-The next answer is Kathmandu.

-It's KAThmandu.

-It's Kathmandu.

Or else the gag doesn't work.

The next answer is Kathmandu.

-Kathmandu?

-Yes.

What's the question?

What rhymes with...

We've got previous here.

-Poo. What rhymes with poo?

-Oh, OK.

-It's not. It's not.

You're close, though.

It's "What is the opposite of dog-woman-don't?"

-Kathmandu.

-Yeah, right.

-Yeah.

-The next answer is honeycomb.

-What's the question?

What would you like in your ice cream?

-It's not, no. It's "What rhymes with bunny gnome?"

-Of course.

That's the last one. You didn't get it right, sadly.

-I could've had that.

-Unlucky. Shannon Flynn, everyone.

-Round of applause.

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Still glad she was here since series one. Brilliant.

-Look, it's Maddie and Ruby!

-Yay!

-BOTH:

-Yay!

-Bring it in right there. Whoo!

Now, if you didn't see Big Friday Wind-Up,

Maddie and Ruby, they took part in a game of In Yer House

where I had to hide in their house.

You guys are sisters. Now, Maddie, you were in on the whole thing.

-Ruby, you weren't, where you?

-No.

-No!

So, what was the experience like, Maddie, for you,

cos you were in on it.

-It was really exciting cos then, like, we got to meet you two.

-Obvs.

And we had to hide it all from Ruby. It was quite hard, but...

It was hard.

It was hard for me as well, especially my first hiding position,

which I don't think I've ever been as close to the culprit

of the game, and it was so difficult.

And I was waiting there for ages at the beginning. Take a look at this.

Come downstairs. We've got a really funny video to show you.

-I'm not ready yet!

-THEY LAUGH

She's not ready yet!

-"I'm not ready yet!"

-"I'm not ready yet!"

But honestly, you didn't see that on the VT,

but you took absolutely ages.

What were you doing upstairs, Ruby?

Uh, I was getting changed.

Getting changed, doing your hair, watching telly.

I was there for hours.

That was very funny, but the funniest thing

that has ever happened on telly is when this happened.

Have a look at this.

This is going to hurt. This is going to hurt...

INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TABLET SPEAKERS

THEY LAUGH

MARK LAUGHS

The hair's still not grown back fully.

-I don't know if you can see it.

-It's stubbly.

Look. There's a line. Look. Can you see the line there?

-The things we do for telly.

-Yeah. The things we do for telly.

-It's your turn now, Mark.

-Oh, what?

-Can I have a wax strip, please?

-What are you doing?!

AUDIENCE CHEERS Come on, Mark. Come on.

Take the jacket...

-Do it. ALL:

-Do it. Do it. Do it.

Take your jacket off. Roll your sleeve up.

-Roll your sleeve up.

-Can you do my back?

Oh, deary me. I don't know which side to do it, but we'll try it.

The sticky side, I reckon.

-There we go. That's pretty sticky. Here we go, mate.

-Oh.

-Ready? Here we go.

-Oh!

Stick it on nice and hard!

Nice and hard!

-We didn't do this in rehearsal.

-OK, ready?

-Ready?

-Yeah. Go on.

-Shall I do it slowly or fast?

-Fast!

Three, two, one.

HE LAUGHS

Argh!

-Eugh! AUDIENCE:

-Ew!

-Good sport, mate. Good sport.

-Ow!

It's Maddie and Ruby, everybody.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

-Right. Come over here.

-It's fine. It's fine.

-Are you all right, mate?

-Yeah.

-Your jacket is going to stick to your arm now.

-Yeah.

Right, over here, on Big Friday Wind-Up,

we found out that Georgia's dad likes to sing and talk to machines

-like self-checkout machines, doesn't he?

-Yeah.

-He's a silly sausage, isn't he?

-Yeah.

-He's a silly sausage.

What we want you to do now is judge how silly Ben,

Shannon and our lovely Ed Petrie over here...

Yeah, cos we're going to play a game -

Are You Sillier Than This Silly Sausage?

OK? That's what we're going to play.

We've got the silly sausage-o-meter type thing here.

-Go through it, Mark.

-We've got sensible, which is not silly at all.

Occasional foray into silly,

which is on the borderline.

Silly con carne,

which is pretty silly.

Born in the Silly Isles.

That's getting, like, really silly.

But you're such a silly sausage

is where we want to get to.

-I mean, that's crazy.

-Yeah.

-That's crazy.

We're going to go down the line. You've each got a thing to do,

and we're starting with round one - who can pull the silliest face.

-OK.

-Ben.

-Oh, that's good.

-Georgia.

Georgia, where do you think on the silly-o-meter?

-Do it again, do it again.

-Do it again.

-OK.

-Pretty silly.

-Silly con... Oh, no!

-Yeah, silly con carne.

-Silly con carne.

-Silly con carne. OK, OK.

-Shannon.

-OK.

-Oh!

-That's pretty good.

-Pretty silly!

-That is silly.

-Georgia, what did we go for?

-I'm going for born in the Silly Isles.

-Yes!

-Born in the Silly Isles.

-Beat that, Ed.

-OK, Ed, can you go one step further and be really silly?

-I think he can.

-Ooh! Ooh!

-Oh! Weird eye!

-Yeah.

-He's such a silly sausage.

Yay! AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Well done, Ed. Well done, Ed.

OK, round two is silliest dance. Come on, Ben. You can do this.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Whoa!

-Oh, yeah!

That's not a silly dance. That's a fantastic dance, my friend.

-High-five.

-Born in the Silly Isles.

Well done, Georgia. OK, Shannon. Off you go. Come on.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Oh, my hip cracked.

-Oh, did it?

-Yeah.

-What do we think, Georgia?

-Silly con carne. Not bad.

-Sorry.

-I'm such a bad dancer. I thought that was cool.

Oh, thanks!

-Can't wait for this then.

-Here we go.

MUSIC PLAYS

Yeah, that's silly.

-He's won it again.

-Oh!

-Such a silly sausage, Ed!

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Can you make it a full sweep?

Round three. We want to hear the silliest sound.

-IMITATES GOLLUM:

-Gollum just loves riddles!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-That's pretty silly.

-Yeah, that's silly sausage.

-It's a silly sausage.

-Silly sausage.

Well done. OK, Shannon, over to you.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

-You can do it. You can win, Shannon.

-Come on.

-OK.

SHE GRUNTS

Uh...

-Silly con carne.

-Unbelievable!

-Ed, come on.

-Clean sweep. Come on.

HE BABBLES IN SQUEAKY VOICE