Ben Haenow Sam & Mark's Big Friday Wind Up

-'Why does this man look so shifty?'

-LAUGHTER

-'Why do these two keep sniggering?'

-LAUGHTER

-'And was it him who let one go?'

-LAUGHTER

'Welcome to the show where no-one is safe.

'It's Sam And Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up!

'Wowzers! It's Sam and Mark!'

# Fell in love with the girl at the rock show

# She said, "What?" and I told her that I didn't know

# She's so cool Gonna sneak in through her window

# Everything's better when she's around

# I can't wait till her parents go out of town

# I fell in love with the girl at the rock show

# With the girl at the rock show... #

-Oh! BOTH:

-Welcome to the weekend!

-Oh, yeah!

-Oh, yeah!

-Good audience.

-Have we got a great show for you.

-Have we?

-We have, mate, indeed.

-Brilliant.

In a moment, some members of our audience

will meet their TV heroes.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

We'll also be punishing the UK's most embarrassing parents

and playing the wettest karaoke game ever.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And find out what happened when we travelled to Newcastle

for a comedy-based Face Off against the two and only Jedward.

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultrasound man.

-THEY LAUGH

-That is class!

What do you call a crocodile who's coming to rob your food?

-Crook-o-dile.

-LAUGHTER

And on top of all that, we've got a very special performance

-at the end of the show.

-Indeed we have.

But right now, remember, on this show, no-one is safe.

That's right. We know everything about every single one of you.

For example, Roza, apparently,

you can make your eyes rapidly shake.

-Let's see.

-Let's see.

-SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER Oh-ho!

-That's frightening.

-Strange.

And, Bea, you can do the Mexican wave with your tongue.

Show us.

-Very odd. Very odd.

-That's wonderful.

Ellie, apparently, you are a brilliant dancer

and your dream is to be on The Next Step.

Ooh! Well, look who's coming down the stairs behind you.

-That's right.

-Oh! It's Simeon Qsyea from Taking The Next Step.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

Yes, you and me are going to be doing a solo today.

-LAUGHTER

-Look at your face.

You're going to come with me now downstairs

and we're going to do a little solo.

Ellie, that's the performance we were talking about.

You're it. LAUGHTER

-Welcome.

-It's amazing.

-Nice one.

-You best get rehearsing, guys. Off you go.

-Let's go, let's go.

-Let's hear it for Simeon!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Aw! Nice, that.

-Brilliant.

-Nice. Making dreams come true.

That's what we do. OK, now... Wait. Wait a minute.

We're looking for someone

who recognises these objects.

A potato.

A cauliflower.

A frog hat.

And a doll called Bobby.

Who do all these belong to, please? Who?

-Oh!

-THEY LAUGH

Yeah, that's right, Arabella. It's you.

Stay right there because we're coming to you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hiya!

-Hi, Arabella. You all right? How you doing?

-I'm fine.

So, can you explain to us what all those things were about?

-Well, we did stand-up comedy at the library.

-Cool.

-And was that your box of props?

-Yeah.

-OK. All right.

So, what type of things do you do with this box of props?

Well, we got some random people up from the audience and just, like,

gave them random stuff and made them sing and dance to Lady Gaga.

-That sounds brilliant!

-Sounds like a fantastic act.

-With a cauliflower? That's amazing.

-Yeah.

Now, we've heard that you do quite a few impressions. Is that right?

-Yeah, I can do Cheryl Cole.

-Go on, then.

-NEWCASTLE ACCENT:

-I'm Cheryl Cole.

-LAUGHTER

-It's good. It's good.

-You need to teach us that, Arabella.

-Yeah, definitely.

-And, also, this is your mum Jan, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Hi.

Jan, you do impressions also,

and especially one of a famous CBBC star.

-Hiya, cocker.

-LAUGHTER

Might need work, that.

-Well, guys, I tell you what - we love you guys...

-Yeah, we do.

..and I think you both have earned the chance to win

some fantastic prizes in a game that is based on your love of comedy.

Yeah. So, come with us as we play...

-BOTH:

-Punchline Crunchtime.

-Come on down, guys.

Welcome to TV's funniest game show since

Richard Osman forgot his trousers on an episode of Pointless.

Here's how it works.

We are going to tell you guys the start of some funny

and not-so-funny jokes.

Now, all the punchlines are behind these doors,

so you must pick the door you think the correct punchline is behind.

We are giving you a minute to match all eight,

so this is a test of memory as well as comedy knowledge.

For every joke you complete,

you'll win a prize from the Wind-Up prize stash.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Does that sound good, Arabella?

-Yeah.

Now, before we go on, we need somebody

-to lurk behind those doors to give you guys the punchlines.

-Yeah.

If only we had a hilarious comedy expert to help us out.

-But who? Who?

-You all right, cockers?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wa-hey!

Welcome, welcome, welcome, me old cockers.

-Where you going? Come back.

-LAUGHTER

I heard your atrocious impression of me before.

LAUGHTER

OK, Hacker, back in your box. Go on, off you go.

Hey, I'm not a puppet, you know!

-We'll put a laugh on that later.

-LAUGHTER

-Arabella and Jan, are you ready for this?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Beautiful.

In that case, start the clock.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

-Pick a number.

-Three.

-Why did the chicken cross the road?

Hello. No, to get to the other side.

-Yay!

-That's the right answer. OK, OK.

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."

-Four.

-Number four.

-OK. Doctor, Doctor,

I feel like a pair of curtains.

Shark-infested custard.

-That's the wrong answer.

-That's the wrong answer!

-"My dog has no nose. How does it smell?"

-Eight.

My dog has no nose. How does it smell?

Swimming trunks.

LAUGHTER Wrong answer.

-"What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?"

-Five.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

-Pull yourself together!

-That's the wrong answer!

OK. "I'm on a seafood diet."

-Four.

-I'm on a seafood diet.

Shark-infested custard.

That's wrong. It's the wrong answer.

"What's a horse's favourite soap?"

-Four.

-Four?

-Again.

-It's still shark-infested custard.

-LAUGHTER

-KLAXON BLARES Oh, no!

-Was that wrong?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, deary me!

-That was hilarious!

So, Arabella, it's not all doom and gloom.

You did manage to complete one joke,

which means you get a prize from the Wind-Up prize stash.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, oh, oh! That was brilliant.

-Well, that went well, didn't it?

-Nice to see you, Hacker.

What did you think of their comedy knowledge there?

-Dreadful, wasn't it?

-It was pretty bad.

LAUGHTER Hey, don't worry, guys,

because we are now going to give you the chance

to win tonight's star prize.

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-And that prize - that prize -

is tickets to a comedy workshop.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-They need that.

So you can really learn some knowledge cos you need it.

LAUGHTER How does that sound, guys?

-Sound good?

-Sounds good.

-Excellent.

-Brilliant.

-I need it.

Now, as you can see, we have a series of funny characters

-lining up on our comedy carpet.

-There they are.

Guys, you will have 20 seconds to give them their correct names

from the wall of names behind you.

-Do you understand?

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

-Brilliant.

In that case, let's see who we've got.

Hacker, take it away.

A man in a paper suit,

a man with a seagull on his head,

a woman with a radiator on her head,

and a girl with two toilets on her head,

and two men in a window.

-Interesting. Arabella and Jan, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Remember, you've only got 20 seconds.

Match the names with the people. Best of luck. Your time starts now.

-Go!

-Go, go, go!

-Be quick, be quick, be quick.

OK, pass it to him, pass it to him. That's it.

-Pass it to him. Yeah, that's it.

-Hold it in front of you, guys.

That's it. Be quicker.

-Be better!

-Interesting.

-This is very interesting.

-Think about it.

Come on, think about it! Think about it!

-Oh, wait, no...

-This is...

KLAXON BLARES Wow!

-Wow!

-Well done.

-Time's up.

-Phew!

-Take a good look at the names.

Is there any ones you'd probably like to change or are you happy?

-SHE LAUGHS

-That one?

I'm going to give you the chance to change at least one of them

because I'd like you to win SOME prizes.

LAUGHTER

-OK, interesting, interesting.

-OK. All right, all right.

-I mean, it doesn't change anything.

-Nah.

LAUGHTER

"What do you call a man in a paper suit?"

-Russell.

-That's correct.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Cos it rustles.

-Rustles!

-Cos it rustles.

-Cos it rustles. It's a sound-based joke.

-Yeah!

-Exactly, Hacker. Here we go with number two.

"What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?"

-Cliff.

-That's the right answer!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah!

-See?

-We are cooking here.

-Cliff - clever.

"What do you call a woman with a radiator on her head?"

-Kate.

-I don't get it.

-I don't get it.

That's cos it's wrong. It's Anita.

-Anita, isn't it?

-It's Anita.

-Anita.

-Anita.

-Anita.

-"What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?"

-Anita.

-But why?

-LAUGHTER, FARTING

-Why?

-You could do.

-No, you don't. It's stupid. It's Lulu.

-Lulu, isn't it?

-Lulu, Bog-Bog, Lav-Lav.

-We know that now.

Oh, man!

And finally - finally - "What do you call two men in a window?"

-Curt.

-And Rod.

-CHEERING Curtain rod.

-Curtain rod.

-Excellent.

You didn't do well there, but I think you really need that workshop

to actually work on your comedy skills.

Shall we give her the prize?

-Let's give her the prize!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're going to give it to you - the comedy workshops!

CHEERING

-Well done, cockers.

-Yeah. Hacker...

-What?

-..have you any parting words for Arabella and Jan?

-Yes, I have.

-Cheers, cockers!

-LAUGHTER

-Hey, and the fun doesn't end there because you...

-Didn't start there.

..could win some more prizes later on

cos you'll be taking part in our endgame, Ball Fall.

-How does that sound? BOTH:

-Ooh!

-Yeah, it sounds pretty good.

Give it up one more time for Arabella, Jan,

and, of course, Hacker T Dog.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, cockers. Thank you.

-Hi, I'm Amy-Leigh Hickman.

-And I'm Jessica Revell,

and I think Sam And Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up

-is the funniest thing on TV.

-Yeah, I know.

Have you seen it? It's a joke!

'Ladies and gentlemen, tonight on the Wind Up Wheel,

'Mr Simeon Qsyea!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Simeon, how you doing?

I'm doing great and nervous all at the same time.

You look a bit scared in the eyes.

-You're holding on to that chair like that.

-I'm holding on.

I was like this before, like, "No, no."

Now, Simeon, like we said,

on this show, no-one is safe, even our celebrity guests.

Indeed, which is why we've attached Simeon

-to this non-government-approved wheel.

-It'll be fine, Simeon.

Besides, you signed all your human rights away

-when you sat on that wheel.

-Yes.

-Yeah, very true.

Here's how it works. We'll be spinning Simeon around

until he's dizzy, sick, or possibly much worse.

He could land on any of these categories,

but he has no idea what's in store for him.

-Simeon, are you ready?

-I am ready.

-Good! Because it's time to...

-AUDIENCE:

-Wind up that wheel!

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Am I allowed to put my arms up?

-Oh, yeah!

-That's good.

Stop that wheel!

-BOTH:

-Ooh!

-"Dance Like..." You'll like this, Simeon.

-All right.

-OK, so, Simeon, we want you to dance like

a penguin who really needs the toilet

-doing a slow bossa nova. So, come and stand here.

-Come on.

-You should be great at this.

-We have some music for you.

-Thank you.

-Cue the music. BOSSA NOVA MUSIC PLAYS

So, you're a penguin that needs the toilet.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

-That was easy.

-Mate, sit yourself down. Amazing.

Can we just have "Dance Like..." all the time? That was great.

-That was amazing!

-That was great. OK, it's time to...

-AUDIENCE:

-Wind up that wheel!

-MUSIC PLAYS

OK, stop the wheel!

-Ooh, Forfeit. AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yes!

-Someone in the audience going, "Yes!"

-Hey!

-"Yes!"

OK, your forfeit, Simeon, is to sing the highest note you can.

-Ready?

-OK.

-Highest ever. We only want dogs to hear this.

-Right.

-HIGH-PITCHED NOTE:

-# Wah-ah-ah-ah-ah

-# Wah-ah-ah. #

-LAUGHTER

-BUZZER

-What?!

-We needed a high C for you to pass.

-Yeah. I liked it. I liked it.

-Unlucky.

-I think it was good.

-Unlucky, Simeon. It's time to...

-AUDIENCE:

-Wind up that wheel!

-MUSIC PLAYS

Stop that wheel!

Ooh! Prize Question.

Right, this is Charlotte.

Charlotte is about to ask you a question

which I have written on this card.

If you get the correct answer to the question,

-Charlotte wins a fantastic prize.

-OK.

-So, no pressure, then.

Charlotte, I'm coming for you. Where are you, Charlotte? Where are you?

There you are over there. Let's have a look.

OK, stand yourself up, Charlotte.

OK. Right, I'm coming through. I'm coming through.

Soz. Soz. Right.

OK, so your question is this question here.

"How many months of the year end with the letter Y?"

-Think about it.

-So, go through it, go through it.

-I think I've got it.

-OK, and we're going for...?

Yes, I'm going for three.

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

-Four! Four!

-What are you going for, Simeon?

-I meant four.

-Four.

-You're saying four?

Exactly what I meant. I was tricking you all.

-OK.

-LAUGHTER

-Charlotte...

-I'm a comedian, as well.

..do you want to tell Simeon whether he's got the right answer?

-It's four!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, Charlotte, you win a digital camera.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice work. Nice work. Well done.

Simeon, thank you very much for that.

How are you feeling after all that spinning?

-I feel like I'm very dizzy right now.

-Sorry about that.

And it was a lot of pressure with the spinning.

Ooh, and by the way, how's the rehearsing going with Ellie?

-Ooh, I better check that out right now.

-You best go, actually.

Off you go. We'll see you later on. It's Simeon, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-SMASHING

-Oh. Oh.

-He'll be fine. He'll be fine.

-Good rehearsing. Great.

Right now, though, it's time to find out what happened

when we travelled to Newcastle for a Big Friday Face Off.

We didn't have any details of the challenge,

but that didn't matter because nothing could prepare us

for the chaos ahead.

'Somewhere on the streets of the UK,

'TV's dynamic duo Sam and Mark

'are about to go head-to-head with a pair of fearless celebs

'on a mystery mission.'

Let's go, let's go!

'Enlisting the help of the local community,

'they must do all they can to complete their surprise challenge,

'but only one daring double act will be victorious.

'This is Sam and Mark's Big Friday Face Off.'

-Hi there. We're Sam and Mark.

-And they are pop superstars Jedward.

-Yay!

-Thanks, guys.

-And we're in...

-But why on earth are we here?

-No idea.

Guys, we're going to know when we open these envelopes.

-Hoo-hoo!

-Ho-ho!

"Greetings, Sam, Mark, John and Edward.

"Welcome to the comedy challenge."

"You must write and rehearse a comedy routine

"using jokes, lines and ideas provided by the people of

"Newcastle."

-"Your routine must contain an animal joke."

-"A comedy prop."

"And somebody you meet must join you on stage.

"Now, make haste, for you will be headlining The Stand

-"Comedy Club at 2pm this afternoon."

-Oh, my goodness!

-Good luck.

-Yeah, good luck. You're going to need it.

-Oh!

-Oh, fighting talk already. I like it.

-Already bringing it.

The coolest people ever in Newcastle.

I'm genuinely very nervous about this.

-My comedy prop's going to be my hair.

-Oh, yeah, that's true.

-MR D:

-'All right, enough of this funny business.

'Time to get a move on.'

Good luck. Good luck, boys.

'So, our super duos have just a few hours

'to prepare a top-notch comedy set,

'but who will judge the pairs' performances?

'Meet Bec Hill.

'Bec's appeared on stage and screen

'and regularly stars on CBBC's The Dog Ate My Homework.

'What will she be looking for from our daring duos' stand-up?'

I'm looking for simple material that's funny and well-delivered,

and I really want them to hit those specific points of the challenge.

If they don't do that, I will deduct points.

'Let the challenge commence.'

-All right, let's go.

-Yeah.

-Come on.

-OK, let's do it.

-Let's do it. Let's steal some jokes.

Hey, is this a good prop?

All right, hold on a sec. We just need to find our props.

-Wait, can we spend money on our prop or not?

-No, we've no money.

We need to ask someone for something for free.

Hello. Hello. Sorry to interrupt.

I was just wondering if you know any jokes.

A little lad knocks on the door and he says,

"Your dog's chasing us on my bike."

-I said, "Take the bike off him."

-HE LAUGHS

-Excellent.

-That's good, and it's an animal joke.

It's an animal! We need an animal joke.

-'I don't get it.'

-He said...

-He said...

.."A lad knocked on my door

"and he said, 'The dog's chasing me on my bike.'"

So, I said...

NEWCASTLE ACCENT: 'Well, take the bike off him.'

LAUGHTER We best not do the accent.

'Er, why are Jedward having their fortune read?'

What do you think of Sam and Mark?

They are wanting to get where you're at. Yous are already there.

-Yeah, Sam and Mark...

-No-one's taking it away from you.

-No.

Yous are near enough like Ant and Dec, do you understand?

-The comedy prop...

-Yeah.

..I think we should use is like a custard pie

-or a cream pie or something.

-Right.

-So, you tell the joke.

If he or she doesn't laugh, I get pied in the face.

Oh, I like it!

# She's got her lipstick on Here I come, da-da-dum

# She's got her lipstick on Hit and run, here I come. #

-It's a song we had.

-Lovely.

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

-The ultrasound man.

-THEY LAUGH

That is class! That's a high-five moment right there.

-I like that!

-That was wonderful.

-Yeah!

-We still need to go find our prop.

-OK.

-We need to find jokes.

She just told our future. That wasn't in the list.

-Where's your notepad?

-I don't know. I lost it. It's gone now.

We have to get a cream pie, and we've got no money,

so we can't buy it cos then we'd be disqualified.

-We don't have to tell anybody that we've bought it.

-That is true.

Who are you?

'Chaps, I don't think this is on the to-do list.'

-Ah!

-HE LAUGHS

-Whoo! I think we've found our prop, Edward.

-'Ah.'

That's the type... That's the type of thing we're obviously...

-What, quiche?

-Yeah.

-Nobody's ever been quiched in the face.

-Exactly.

-HE LAUGHS

-Exactly.

Yes! We just got the cutest dog ever in Newcastle.

-You haven't got any jokes, have you, that you could tell us?

-I'm Russian.

-It's just reminded me of a joke.

-Go on.

-The Russian joke.

-The Russian joke.

-HE LAUGHS

I've got to go back to my home town, Moscow.

-Why? Are you in a hurry? BOTH:

-Yes, I'm Russian.

-Yes! See? She laughed.

-She loves it.

-Loves it.

-She loves it.

'Yes, you should be rushing to get better material than that.'

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Hey, hold up. Why are you in our...?

-Hide that joke.

We had our fortune told and they told us a lot of stuff.

-Well, you're wasting your time.

-Where's your pen and notepad?

We don't need a notepad. It's in our brain.

-So, you're just memorising the jokes?

-Yes.

-That means you haven't got many.

-Amateurs carry notebooks.

Let's get out of here, John.

'You might not need notebooks, but some jokes might help.

'And with time running out,

'Sam and Mark are still on the hunt for comedy gold.'

What kind of bagel can fly?

I don't know. What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.

Plain? Oh, yeah, a plain one, so it's just got nothing on it.

-Yeah.

-You're right - it wasn't great.

'Meanwhile, Jedward have become preoccupied...again.'

-So, how many have we got?

-So, we've got one, two, three, four, five.

-Six, seven with the two cheesy, corny bear ones.

-Yes.

-Maybe one more.

-Yeah. Then we can tell four each.

-Yeah.

Anybody know any jokes?

'Surprisingly, Jedward do.'

What do you call a crocodile who's coming to rob your food?

I don't know. What do you call a crocodile?

Crook-odile.

'A crook-odile?

'Sam and Mark still need a prop and Jedward are missing a person.'

-I don't suppose you sell any, like, big cream pies, do you?

-No, sorry.

I might have to go with a quiche.

-We need to find a person to be on the show with us.

-We've got the dog.

-We have the dog.

-Let's stop stressing.

-Don't worry. Don't worry.

-I'm not worried about anything!

'With tensions running high,

'both teams seem uneasy about their upcoming comedy debuts.

'They may have a collection of jokes,

'but did Sam and Mark manage to find a prop?

'Jedward may be popular with the public,

'but did they actually get any material from them?

'Funnily enough, we'll find out as our duos go head-to-head

'when Face Off returns.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, they're funny, those two, aren't they?

-Yeah.

-Find out what happens next very, very soon.

-But right now,

here's what else is coming up on tonight's Big Friday Wind-Up.

Don't be late for class.

Embarrassing parents join the School of Shame,

audience member Ellie gives her surprise performance

just before Ball Fall,

then Ben Haenow croons us into the weekend.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now it's time to play a game that combines our two favourite things -

-music and mess.

-All will be explained very soon.

But first, let's find out who's playing tonight.

Will it be this person?

# Altogether we can take it to the edge of the night

# Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. #

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good. That was brilliant.

Will it be these two?

# You're the one that I want You are the one I want

# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Or will it be this person?

# Hey, I want to dance with somebody

# With somebody who loves me. #

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't worry. It won't be any of you. Here's who's playing tonight.

It's Archie's family from Bedfordshire.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But who will they face?

It's Ruby-Jo's family from Staffordshire.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Teams, come on down as we play...

-BOTH:

-Karasoake.

Welcome to the game. It's basically karaoke with added water.

One member of each team will attempt to sing

while the other team soaks them through.

Whoever gets the most lyrics out correctly is the winner.

OK, Archie, who's on your team, mate?

My friend, Connor, and Charlie and my mum, Racheall.

-And your nominated singer is...?

-Racheall.

-Of course it is.

-Why have you chosen Racheall?

-Um...

-LAUGHTER

-All right.

Good a reason as any, I suppose. OK, Racheall, sing...

# Sam And Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up. #

# Sam And Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up. #

-Ooh!

-That's beautiful. Haunting.

-It was haunting.

-Very nice.

-It was haunting.

-Very nice.

Ruby-Jo, who have we got on your team?

-My sister, Rosie, my best friend, Lily, and my dad, Andy.

-Excellent.

-I'm guessing your dad, Andy, is your nominated singer?

-Yeah.

-Why have you chosen your dad?

-Cos he's too embarrassing.

-Cos he's too embarrassing! Does he embarrass you all the time?

-Yeah.

-But can he sing, Ruby-Jo?

-Yeah.

-He can? All right.

Well, let's hear it. Come on, sing us a note.

# La-la! #

-LAUGHTER

-I've heard worse.

-Nice.

-I've heard worse, Mark.

-I've heard worse.

All right. Well, OK, here we go, Racheall.

Please take your place on the Karasoake stage.

And whilst you do that, Ruby-Jo's team,

if you would like to select your soakers.

OK, Racheall, you've got Budapest by George Ezra

or Uptown Girl by Billy Joel.

-What are you going for?

-Uptown Girl.

-It's a classic, isn't it? It's a classic.

-Showing my age.

-OK.

So, there are 100 words in this section of the song.

You need to clearly sing as many as you can

-while you're getting soaked. Are you ready?

-I am.

-Soakers, are you ready? ALL:

-Yeah.

-Awesome.

In that case, let Karasoake commence.

MUSIC: Uptown Girl by Billy Joel

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

SHE BABBLES, KLAXON BLARES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hold fire. Hold fire.

Right, well done, Racheall. Fantastic work.

I can reveal you sang...

-..84 words correctly.

-Wow!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well done.

What have you got to say to your soakers?

-I'll get you!

-I'll get you!

-I'll get you!

-I'll get you!

-OK, well done, Racheall.

-Thank you.

-Andy, you're up next.

If you'd like to make your way onto the Karasoake stage.

-There you are, darling.

-Thank you.

-There you go, Andy.

Guys, you guys come over.

And, Archie's team, select your soakers.

Right, Andy, it's time to find out what song you'll be singing.

Would you like Reet Petite...

-Sounds weird when you say it.

-HE LAUGHS

Right Petite in Barnsley.

..by Jackie Wilson or Candy by Robbie Williams?

I think we'll go with Candy.

You need to sing more than 85 words to win the prize.

-Understood?

-I'll have a go.

-You're so scared.

-THEY LAUGH

-Soakers, are you ready?

-ALL:

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

Let Karasoake commence.

MUSIC: Candy by Robbie Williams

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

KLAXON BLARES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very impressive. Very impressive.

-That was good, mate.

-Archie, you scared me there with your face.

He was like, "I'm going to get you, Andy!

"I'm going to get you real nice. Oh, yeah!"

OK. So, Andy, you needed to sing more than 84 words

to beat Racheall's score.

And I can confirm that you sang...

..95 words correctly! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which means, Ruby-Jo and your team,

you guys are the winners!

-Well done. Well done.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, Archie's team, unlucky. But don't you worry - we are giving you

some Big Friday Wind-Up goody bags. Happy?

-Yeah!

-Excellent stuff.

And, Ruby-Jo, you guys are going home with a karaoke machine

which comes with 100 classic backing tracks.

-Andy, you'll be sorted, won't you?

-Great!

Well, let's hear it once again for our Karasoake superstars. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now it is time for part two of the Big Friday Face Off.

Here's what happened next.

-MR D:

-'Previously, on the Big Friday Face Off,

'just a few hours ago,

'Sam and Mark and Jedward were given a challenge to write a comedy set

'and then perform it at one of Newcastle's top comedy venues.

'As show time draws closer,

'our comedy heroes squeeze in some rehearsal time.'

I don't think anyone's ever been quiched in the face.

-We'll make history.

-Hey, guys.

-Oh, hello. You all right?

-What are you doing here?

We're here to, like, spy on yous and get some insight.

-Why, have you not got anything?

-Why are you guys sitting down?

We're standing up in there doing flips and everything.

We've not got much time here to practise our routine,

so I suggest you go in your room, we'll stay in our room

-and it'll all be great.

-All right, all right.

-They're so scared.

-They are.

-Sam, Sam...I'm so scared.

'I'm scared for both of you.

'The stage is set and the audience is waiting.

'It's performance time, but who will have the last laugh?

'Will they even get the first one?'

-Oh!

-Oh, perfect size!

Oh, hello, everybody. Sorry we are a bit late.

We're Sam and Mark. We had to come on the bus.

-We can't drive, but we avocado.

-Oh! LAUGHTER

-That's the kind of comedy you're in for tonight, people.

-Eh? Eh?

What kind of bagel can fly?

I don't know, Mark. What kind of bagel can fly?

-A plain bagel.

-Oh!

-Eh?

-LAUGHTER

I went down to the market earlier on this morning.

I met a lovely Russian lady.

She said to me, "I'm heading back to my home town, Moscow."

I said, "Why? Are you in a hurry?"

She said, "Yes, I'm Russian." LAUGHTER

-'Hmm, good start.'

-Eh?

-That's good!

-Right, I've got one for you.

Yesterday, a lad knocked on my door and he said,

"A dog, he's chasing me on my bike."

And I said, "Well, take the bike off him, then."

-LAUGHTER

-'Ah, there's the animal joke.'

Who is the nicest guy in the hospital?

The ultrasound guy. LAUGHTER

Right, so we need someone to come and join us on stage.

And do you know what?

I'm going to ask you right there, right in front of us.

Round of applause. APPLAUSE

-What is your name, darling?

-Ashvi.

-Ashvi.

Now, Ashvi, this is the quiche of destiny.

Now, Mark has one last joke to tell.

Now, if this joke is good

and you laugh, Ashvi,

then Mark gets to take that quiche home and eat it for his tea tonight.

That'd be nice, wouldn't it? That'd be lovely.

-However, if Mark tells this joke and you don't laugh...

-Ooh!

..then Mark has done a terrible job

and you get to quiche Mark in the face.

-You get to quiche my face!

-OK?

I'm very excited by this one.

What is red and invisible?

I don't know, Mark. What is red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

Quiche him in the face! LAUGHTER

She just lobbed it in your face! HE LAUGHS

Go on, one more time. Actually shove it right in his face.

-Stop talking!

-LAUGHTER

Brilliant. Thank you. So, a round of applause for Ashvi.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've been a wonderful audience.

-Thank you so much.

-Bye!

-AUDIENCE:

-Bye!

'So, Sam and Mark fulfilled each element of the challenge,

'but can Jedward do the same and get more laughs?'

Welcome to the stage, Jedward!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Erm, hey, guys. I've lost my twin. Seriously, I'm only one act now.

I've gone solo. I really need you all to be quiet.

I've got to order a twin on the phone.

Hello. Erm, I'd like to order a twin.

He has to have really, really cool, spiky hair.

He has to be able to fit into skinny jeans.

Really, really skinny. Like, I mean, like, girls' jeans.

Anyway, he needs to be here ASAP.

CHEERING

-That's right. I'm John.

-I'm Edward.

-And together...

-BOTH:

-Jedward!

-CHEERING

'Interesting start.'

"Why aye" noise. Go!

-AUDIENCE:

-Why aye!

Wi-Fi, where? Where's the Wi-Fi?

-'What?'

-LAUGHTER

# Ice, ice, baby Too cold. #

You don't know that song? All right, stop!

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Collaborate and listen.

-Yes!

That guy over there, the 40-year-old man knew all the words.

What's a pig's favourite move?

-AUDIENCE:

-What?

-A pork chop! Wa-cha!

-LAUGHTER

-'Brilliant.'

They've told one joke.

And we found this amazing person.

Give it up for the new member of Jedward, Ted!

'No jokes from the public yet,

'but they are bringing someone up on stage - a dog.'

We only met Ted today.

As you can see, Ted has his hand up cos he has a question.

What's his question, John?

All right, John's going to be the translator for Ted.

What does he want to say?

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-'Hey, everybody. It's me, Ted. I'm a Chihuahua.'

-What's better - Ted or an avocado?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ted!

'I'm so happy. Thank you so much. You guys are the best!'

These are for Ted. We're going to have a great party backstage.

And you can't go backstage cos you don't have any backstage passes.

'He's off!'

When I was actually backstage, there was a girl back there

and she had a frog on her head. Do you know what her name was?

-AUDIENCE:

-What?

-Lily.

-LAUGHTER

-'Blimey, a joke!'

APPLAUSE

Newcastle, you have been out of this world. Thank you, bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Not sure those gags came from the people of Newcastle,

'but will Ted alone win it for them?'

The challenge was they had to do at least one animal joke.

They fulfilled that.

They needed to use at least one prop,

and they both needed to bring someone on stage.

-Did they both do that?

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

-No, exactly. Now...

-We had a dog!

Yeah, but it's not a someone, is it?

-So, I'm afraid I have deducted points.

-Oh, no, no!

LAUGHTER

I thought, Sam and Mark, you had some very strong jokes.

I thought the quiche in the face was probably the best joke I saw today.

So, on that note, I'm going to have to make the winners Sam and Mark!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You have finished in first place. Here we go.

This goes to the winners, Sam and Mark.

'Worthy winners, I'm sure you'll agree.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We are Bars and Melody,

and we suggest you watch Sam and Mark's big Friday Wind-Up.

But only if you've really got nothing better to do.

VO: Right, everyone. Turn to page 22 of your wind-up textbooks.

Mr Sweaty Socks Nixon and Mr Sweaty Trousers Rhodes have caught

more embarrassing parents at it. Max's dad

tells the world's worst jokes.

Abigail's mum giggles like a lovestruck ninny whenever she

sees Gary Barlow, Courtney's mum dances to Justin Bieber in the car.

Georgia's mum fell through a deckchair in full view

of the public and James' mum once kicked a football

and her shoe fell off over the fence.

It's the School Of Shame.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Right!

Max, Abigail, Courtney, Georgia and James, we're giving you

the chance to get your own back

on these naughty, naughty parents, right?

In the process,

one of you will be going home with a fantastic prize, a tablet!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yeah. We're about to play a game of musical chairs, with a difference.

The difference being that your parents

could be getting covered in slop.

LIGHTNING AND DRAMATIC MUSIC

THEY LAUGH

-Juniors, are you ready?

-JUNIORS:

-Yes!

-That's right.

-Seniors, are you ready? SENIORS:

-Yes!

In that case, Mrs Stevenson, take it away.

MUSIC: LAMBETH WALK by Noel Gay

SLOW HANDCLAP

BELL RINGS

Right.

Max, write down the number chair you think your parent isn't sat on.

And to remind everyone at home,

could Max's parent please raise their hand?

Thank you very much.

And reveal to us all, what number chair do you think your parent

isn't sat on? Number four.

Interesting.

OK, well, it's time to see if you're right. Juniors, turn round.

You were right!

-It's James' mum!

-Sorry, sorry, love.

-You've got a bit on your hair there.

-Oh, no problem.

Which means we have to say goodbye to James and James' mum.

See you later, guys! APPLAUSE

All right. So, chair number four is out of the game.

We have four seniors left, four juniors left, Mrs Stevenson,

take it away.

MUSIC AND SLOW HANDCLAP RESUMES

BELL RINGS

All right, Abigail. We're coming to you next.

I need you to write down the number chair you think your parent

isn't sitting on.

Remember, number four has gone, so we have one, two, three or five.

To remind everyone at home,

could Abigail's parent, please, raise their hand? OK.

Reveal to us all, which number chair do you think your parent

isn't sat in?

Chair number three.

It's time to see if you're your right. Juniors, turn round.

Oh, you were right! It's Georgia's mum!

APPLAUSE Oh...

Which means we have to say goodbye to Georgia

and Georgia's mum. Sorry.

APPLAUSE

There are now just three cheers remaining. Chair one, two and five.

Mrs Stevenson, take it away.

MUSIC AND HANDCLAP RESUMES

BELL RINGS Ooh, that was quick, that was quick.

Right, I'm coming to you, Courtney.

I would like you to write down the number chair you think your

parent isn't sat on. Either chair one, two or five.

To remind everyone at home,

could Courtney's parents please raise their hand. OK.

Courtney, please, reveal the chair you think your parent isn't sat on.

Number two. Let's see if you're right.

You were right!

APPLAUSE

That was Abigail's mum.

So, unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to Abigail

-and Abigail's mum. Sorry, guys.

-Sorry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, then. It's the final round. We're going back to you, Max.

Mrs Stevenson, take it away.

BELL RINGS

Stay facing forward, Juniors. Stay facing forward.

Max, we're going back to you. There's only two chairs remaining,

one and five.

Which chair do you think your parent isn't sat in?

Could Max's parent, please, raise their hand?

Please.

OK, Max, please reveal the number chair you think your parent

isn't sat on.

Number five.

If you've got this right,

you win the tablet.

Is number five your parent? Turn around.

It isn't!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hey, hey, hey!

That means we do have our winners.

Congratulations, Max and Max's dad, you win the tablet, Max. Yes!

APPLAUSE AND DRAMATIC MUSIC

Unlucky, unlucky everybody else.

But don't worry, you'll get a tail and a goody bag.

You will indeed, everyone gets a goody bag.

And I've got to say, Max's dad, you got away scot free,

look how clean you are. You must feel pretty good, yeah?

-He's happy.

-You've got a little bit on your head, though.

Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just a little bit, just a little bit there. Sorry, Max. Sorry, sorry!

-It's good slop.

-Oh!

-It's good slop, that. You can't waste it.

Everybody, one more time, give a massive round of applause

to all our pupils in the School Of Shame.

LOUD CHEERING

Hi, I'm critically-ignored

Z-list children's television presenter Ian Stirling,

and when I'm not making sarcastic wisecracks, I watch Sam

and Mark's Big Friday Wind-Up.

Unfortunately, that was one of my sarcastic wisecracks.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we're just a few moments away from our final game, Ball Fall.

But before that, remember our amazing dancer

from the top of the show, Ellie?

Do you remember she's a massive fan of The Next Step?

Yes, well, all through the show, Simeon Qsyea

from Taking The Next Step has been helping her with a special routine

she's about to perform. Simeon, how's it gone?

It was absolutely amazing. She's done...

-I just can't wait to show you guys how well she has done.

-Exciting.

-Is she nervous?

-She is a bit nervous.

I feel like she'll overcome the nerves, cos her performance

-is so strong, so she's going to be brilliant.

-Beautiful.

-And we'll give her some support, won't we, guys?

-Yes!

-Beautiful.

-Nice one.

-Well, the time has finally come.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Ellie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran

# When your legs don't work like they used to before...

CHEERING

# And I can't sweep you off of your feet...

# Darling, I will be loving you

# Till we're 70...

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

# Baby, my heart

# Could still fall as hard at 23

# And I'm thinking about how

# We found love right where we are

# Baby, we found love right where we are

# We found love right where we are. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Whoo!

Well done, Ellie.

-Congratulations.

-How was that for you?

-Very good.

-Yeah? Did you enjoy it?

-Yeah.

-Simeon, how did she do?

She's done amazingly well.

Like, I have to say, what we've done in the studio compared to what

you've actually done on the floor was like steps above.

I feel like the audience again,

that energy from them really brought it out for you, so proud of you.

Do you reckon she could be in The Next Step?

-You definitely can be in The Next Step.

-Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Well done. That was absolutely fantastic.

Give it up one more time for Ellie and Simeon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've come to the final game of the show.

-A battle of wits, strategy and balls.

-Let's welcome back our teams.

It's Arabella's family!

APPLAUSE

And Ruby Jo's family!

APPLAUSE

OK, let's explain the rules.

Above our teams is a tank of balls, just waiting to drop on them.

We'll be asking you questions, each worth 1,500 bulls.

Get your question right and those balls will fall on a member

of the opposing team.

But get it wrong and the balls will fall on you!

THEY LAUGH MANIACALLY

Each player's cubicle can hold up to 3,000 balls,

so it's two strikes and you're buried.

Basically, the first team to be totally covered loses.

And the winning team will go home with tonight's star prize,

a games console!

WHOOPING

Remember, if at any time you want to get out of the tank...

-ALL:

-Push the door behind you!

-Catching on!

-It is. Right, here we go.

Arabella's team, we're starting with you

- and the question is for you, Jason...

What is the name of the film and musical

about a miner's son who wishes to become a ballet dancer?

Billy Elliot.

That's the right answer.

Which means you get to nominate. Which member of Ruby Jo's team,

-five, six, seven or eight?

-Number six.

-Number six, the balls have landed on you, Andy.

-Poor Andy.

MUSIC AND HANDCLAP

He's had a shocker today, Andy. OK, Ruby Jo, this is your question...

Who won The Voice UK in 2016?

-I don't know.

-No? It's Kevin Simm.

Which means the balls are dropping on number five.

LAUGHTER

Right, back over here. Summer, this question is for you.

Who painted the Mona Lisa?

Pass.

-Fair enough.

-He's good artist, Pass.

The right answer was Leonardo da Vinci.

Oh! Which means, number two, the balls are landing on you.

Smiling all the way through it.

OK, next question is for you, Andy.

What is the name of this song?

# But the answer is no, no

# Why you got to be so... #

So Good?

So Good?

So Bad.

It's actually... it's Rude by Magic.

-I can't wait for their second single.

-I'm waiting for that.

Which means that the balls are falling on you, number six.

-Sorry, Andy. See you later.

-Bye, Andy!

Give the thumbs up, Andy.

Hurray!

-Awesome!

-Right, Jan, here comes your question.

Crawl, backstroke and butterfly are different methods in which sport?

Swimming.

That is the correct answer, Jan.

Which means you get to nominate a member of the opposing team.

-Five, seven or eight. Who is it going to be?

-Five.

-Number five.

Which means, Ruby-Jo, you're out of the game.

Give us a wave, Ruby-Jo.

-There she is, she's at the top there.

-There she is. There we go.

Right, next question is for you, Rosie.

Who is the author of the Harry Potter books?

I don't know.

It's JK Rowling.

Which means it's going on you, number seven.

The balls are coming onto you.

Right, OK, back over to this team.

Arabella, it's time for your question, and here it is.

Which girl band released a song called Black Magic in 2015?

Is it Little Mix?

That's the right answer!

Which means you get to nominate a member of the opposing team.

Who's it's going to be? We've got seven or eight.

-Seven.

-Oh, no!

Seven. That means, Rosie, you're out of the game, sorry.

-Bye!

-Bye!

-She's in there.

-She's in there somewhere.

Next question is for you, Kirstie.

What does Paddington Bear keep in his hat in case of an emergency?

Oh, marmalade.

I'm going to give you that, it's marmalade sandwiches,

but it's marmalade-based, so we'll give you that.

All right, so it means, Kirstie,

you can pick one, two, three or four. What are you going for?

I feel a bit tight cos she's little, but I'm going to have

to go for number two... No, I'll go for number one.

Oh, she's changed her mind at the last minute. Sorry, Jason.

Right, OK, Jason, this next question is for you.

What number do you add to 67 to make 114?

60.

That's the wrong answer. It's 47.

Which means the balls are falling on you, Jason. Goodbye!

Oh! Double thumbs up. Double thumbs up.

OK, next question is for you, Kirstie,

because we've only got you left. OK.

Which Ed Sheeran song won Song of the Year at the 2016 Grammy Awards?

Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue and I can't think of it.

-I'm going to have to hurry you, I'm afraid.

-I can't think of it, no.

-Oh, I will when you say it.

-I think you're going to kick yourself.

It's Thinking Out Loud.

Which means the balls are falling on you, number eight.

Oh, deary me. Right, OK. So, we're back to Summer.

Now, Summer, if you get this question right,

you can only nominate Kirstie on the end there

and you guys will win, so no pressure, here we go.

Who is Peter Parker's alter ego?

-Pass.

-No idea?

-No.

-Are you passing?

It's Spider-Man, which means, number two, the balls are falling on you.

Hurray!

All right, Kirstie, this is to stay in the game.

How many sides does a hexagon have?

Oh.

Six.

You're right to say six.

Which means - it's getting close now -

-it's either three or four. What are you going for?

-Three.

You're going for three. OK, the balls are falling on you, Jan.

Right, OK. You get this right, Jan, you'll be the winners.

Who plays Jack Sparrow in the Pirates Of The Caribbean series?

Oh, I know it.

Johnny Depp.

That's the right answer.

Which means, unfortunately, number eight, Kirstie,

the balls are falling on you.

-Bye, Kirstie!

-Bye!

Let's see your thumbs up.

Hurray!

So, unlucky, guys. That means that Ruby-Jo,

your team, you didn't win. Shall we release the balls?

-Let's release the balls.

-Release the balls.

Push the balls out, everyone, push the balls out.

-You can't push that many out.

-Pushed them out, push them out.

Ahh-aah!

But I've got to say, Ruby-Jo's team, you're not going home empty-handed,

we're going to give you some Big Friday Wind-Up goody bags.

Is that all right, Ruby-Jo?

Excellent. Nice work.

Brilliant. But your winners are Arabella's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic. That means you're going home with tonight's star prize -

-the games console.

-CHEERING

-Yes!

-They look very happy. Are you happy, Arabella?

-Yes!

-Yeah!

Lovely, OK, let's hear it one more time for both our fantastic teams.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's almost it from us, but before we go, there's just time

to say thank you to everyone we've surprised tonight.

-Watch your step.

-I know, it's slippy.

A big thank you to all our guests. Hacker T Dog.

A round of applause.

Simeon Qsyea. And of course Jedward.

And a massive thank you to our wonderful Wind-Up audience.

-Give yourselves a round of applause.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you to you for watching, have a lovely weekend.

-Take care.

# Funny how the night-time

# Brings to light a darker side of me

# And I never found the right lines

# I'm always saying things that I don't mean

# And I know I'll never make time

# It's only now that I've begun to see

# Oh-oh

# While I was out there searching

# What I'm searching for is right in front of me

# Yeah

# So we can take this night

# To redefine what made us

# Oh, cos it's so clear now

# What I couldn't see back then

# Yeah

# So if I can take it back

# If I can take it back

# I'd say I'm sorry for the stupid things I said

# If you forgive me, babe I won't forget

# If I could take it back

# If I could take it back

# I'd say I'm sorry for the stupid things I said

# If you forgive me, babe I won't forget

# If I could take back all I know

# I wouldn't ever let you go

# I wouldn't want to let you be alone

# If I could take back all I said

# Then pick it up and start again

# You know that I can't do this on my own

# So, baby, take me back

# If I could take it back, yeah

# I'd say I'm sorry for the stupid things I said

# If you forgive me, babe I won't forget

# If I could take it back

# If I could take it back

# Yeah

# I'd say I'm sorry for the stupid things I said

# I'm sorry for the stupid things I did

# So come on, take me back. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE