Episode 12 Sam & Mark's Big Wind-Up

# Wind me up, put me down Start me up and watch me go

# Cos it's easy once you know how it's done

# You can't stop now it's already begun. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

'Ladies and gentlemen, let's get this party started.

'Give it up for your hosts, Sam and Mark!'

CHEERING

Come with me, come with me! Look at all these people!

Look at all these people! Come on!

-Welcome to the weekend!

-Oh, yes!

-Oh, yes!

It starts right here. We are winding things up for your weekend.

-And I want to know, who is along for the ride?

-Yeah.

How about you at home? Are you up for it? Are you? Yeah?

Oh, yeah! You will not believe what we've got in store.

This show is full to bursting with surprises, and they could be for you!

They could be for you! They could be for you!

-Or you. Don't think I've forgotten about you.

-Or you!

-Probably not me.

-Probably not.

For example, on today's show, we're going to try and pull off,

quite literally, our biggest surprise ever.

-And there's going to be a little slippery twist in the tale.

-Ooo!

-ALL:

-Ooo!

-Yeah.

We've also been out and about with an epic hidden camera prank

that involves some old friends, a bakery

and a very strange-looking woman.

Can we get that, Angie, please? Let's get this lady what she wants.

Pretty weird, that. See, no-one is safe from the Wind-Up cameras.

But right now, are you guys ready for this jelly? Are you? Are you ready?

Because I think it's time to walk the walk

and not just talk the talk.

Yeah! Remember, this is the show with a surprise around every corner.

No-one is safe. Especially if you're a huge embarrassment to your kids.

Let's do this. Let's do this right now. Yeah?

You following me? Following me? Yeah?

Oh, so many embarrassing people.

Eee! Ooo! You're all looking at me, going, "Don't come to me".

LAUGHTER

Right.

Sian, Lorelle.

-How are you, girls?

-Fine.

-Fine, yeah. Good?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well, you've got an embarrassing auntie, haven't you?

THEY LAUGH

She's pretty embarrassing. What does she do that embarrasses you?

When we're going shopping,

she'll go in her pyjamas

and then she'll start dancing

and shouting our names in front of everyone. It's really embarrassing.

She dances in her pyjamas everywhere?

-Oh! Where is she today? Do you know?

-She's at work.

-Is she at work?

-Yeah.

-It would've been brilliant if she was rocking out

-in the studio with everyone to see, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

Well, you know, never mind.

What's that?

She IS here?

And she's ready to perform right now?

-LAUGHTER

-Right, OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Aunty Nina.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's introduce to you a couple of friends of ours.

Wind-Up audience, please give a massive welcome to Niamh and Lauren!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Ladies, you are looking lovely!

-It's lovely to have you on the show.

You might recognise these girls because they appeared

on another or our smash hit but non-award-winning shows, TMI Friday.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

'There's Niamh, there's Lauren and there's Jedward.

'Why am I massaging her head?

'Why are we playing basketball with Justin Bieber's head?

'Jedward seemed to be enjoying themselves, anyway.'

'Ah, yes. Bursting balloons, Bieber and basketball.

'I think it's fair to say a good time was had by all.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good times.

-Great times, GREAT times, Mark.

Did you ever think you'd hear or see

from me and Sam again after the show?

-The occasional Christmas card? No?

-BOTH:

-No!

Actually, the fact we've got a bit of history

made these guys perfect candidates for our brand new game, In Yer Face.

Let me explain.

For this game to work, we needed two people who had met us in person

who would definitely recognise us if we bumped into them in the street.

And we also needed people we had intel on.

That stands for intelligence. I know that cos I got told today.

Now the big question was could we infiltrate their lives

without being recognised? Let's find out.

Niamh, say the magic words.

Roll VT!

Yeah!

'A beautifully peaceful day in Flint.

'Until we showed up.'

We're here to play a little game we like to call In Yer Face.

It's called that because we're about to get in the face of these two.

-'I'm taking Niamh.'

-'And I'm taking Lauren.'

'The aim of the game is not to get recognised.'

'We've got loads of disguises to help us out.'

'And whoever gets away with it longest is the winner.

'But if they uncover our true identity and make a positive ID

'right in our faces, it's game over.'

'We kick off with round one - Special Delivery.

'Will Sam and Mark be able to pass themselves off as delivery men?

'Up first, Sam.'

MARK GIGGLES

Don't mess it up, Sam.

COCKNEY ACCENT: All right? I've got a package for number 30.

OK. Mum!

If you just print and sign that, I just need a signature.

-It's not... Mum!

-Get her to sign it!

It's all right, you can sign. I just need a signature, darling.

-Go on, you sign.

-I don't know what to do!

Print your name there and signature there. Cheers, darling.

Stop saying "darling". Get out of there, get out of there, quick.

Thank you. Cheers, thank you.

THEY LAUGH

Oh! That was pretty nerve-racking!

-Now it's my turn.

-Your turn now.

-Off to Naimh's. Come on, Niamh!

-Ah-hah!

Horrendous cockney accent!

"All right, darling. How's it going?"

LAUGHTER

'That's 1-0 to Sam, but will Mark be able to deliver the goods?'

(Good luck.)

Struggling with t'gate! Hah!

Stop laughing.

Shut up. My moustache is coming off.

Excuse me, I've got a delivery. Can you sign here, please?

Just on there.

Right, just a quick signature, that's all. Anywhere there, love.

All right, darling. You take that in there. All right. Have a good day.

-Bye!

-Thank you.

MARK WHINES

-Go, go, go!

-LAUGHTER

'It's level pegging so it's time for round two, On Your Bike.

'Will Sam and Mark be able to cycle past without getting recognised?

'Let's find out. Up first, Sam.'

I'm going to tell you the rules.

Ride up to her, say good morning and then honk your horn.

Do it really slowly and do it coming towards her, not behind.

-OK.

-Good luck, you'll need it.

'Slowly.'

Morning. Lovely morning.

HORN SQUEAKS

Did she clock you then? Did she clock you?

'Lauren looks suspicious but remember,

'she needs to make a positive ID for the game to be up.

'So has Sam got away with it?'

I'm sure she clocked him then.

Morning. THEY LAUGH

Either she recognised me or she thought, "What a weirdo!"

What a weirdo!

'What a weirdo indeed, but he's taken a 2-1 lead.

'Next up, it's Mark.'

HORN SQUEAKS

OK, Mark. This is it.

Here comes Niamh.

-Morning.

-HORN SQUEAKS

Little look back!

She doesn't suspect a thing.

'Mark makes it two apiece. So it's still all to play for.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-We looked weird.

-Very strange. OK, let's start at the beginning.

What went through your head when that strange, hairy

delivery man with a dodgy accent turned up at your door?

That someone was just winding me up.

Straight away, you were thinking, "This can't be right."

Weirdo. What did you think when I cycled past, Niamh?

I thought, "Why would a grown man have a pink horn on his bike?"

Yeah, Mark. Why?

These are questions I was asking myself that day, Niamh!

LAUGHTER

OK, so that's 2-2. It's all hanging in the balance.

But one of us had to win and one of us had to become a big loser.

Let's see how it went down. Lauren, you know what to do.

Run VT.

'It's time for In Your Face Round Three.

'Can Sam and Mark pretend to be lost ramblers

'and ask for directions in a foreign accent?

'Off you go, son.'

OK, the rules are pretty simple.

All you need to do is ask directions to the town centre.

But do it in an accent.

SAM LAUGHS

-You look like a gibbering wreck.

-I am, I'm nervous.

-It doesn't help that you look like an American garden gnome.

-Ha!

I'll tell you what else doesn't help,

the fact that I've got a map of the Yorkshire Dales.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, granted, that's not going to work in your favour.

POOR AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, hi! Excuse me, I was just wondering

if you could tell me where the town centre is?

You'll have to go all the way to the front of the castle,

-follow the road around...

-OK.

-..you come to a little bridge...

-Back into Barnsley!

-..that's where the town is.

Follow round to the right, under the bridge. Thank you very much.

Have a good day. 'Bye!

HE LAUGHS

That was amazing! Keep walking, keep walking.

MARK LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

-Can't believe you did that.

-AMERICAN ACCENT: Excuse me!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, no, that means I've got to do it now.

Yeah, man! What accent are you going to give Niamh?

Well, it's got to be better than yours!

'It's 3-2 to Sam! Will Mark be able to level the scores?'

-I'm just enjoying a sandwich.

-What? Are you?

-Yeah.

-Save us some.

-I will.

You know the rules.

To be fair, I didn't put the map in front of my face.

I don't reckon you should, too.

We said what the rules were.

LAUGHING

-You're getting nervous now.

-I'm really nervous.

If I can't use the map, I am going to struggle.

-DUTCH ACCENT:

-Excuse me, could you please, er, help me?

I'm not from around here. I was looking at the map

and I was wondering if you could show me where the town centre is?

Please? Do you know?

Do you know? I have a map. The town centre.

I'm not from around here, so I don't know.

Where would you say?

To the shops? OK, thank you, please. A high five for that.

Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.

HE LAUGHS Awesome!

Careful, careful!

THEY LAUGH

-That was really good.

-What are the scores? 3-3?

-Yes. Three all. Wow!

-This is good. This is tight.

-I thought I'd be found out on that one.

-I'm surprised!

-Next one's a biggy!

'Mark makes it three apiece. So, it's on to round four.

'Can the lads serve their target in a bakery dressed as a lady?

'Let's find out. Up first, Sam.'

-Sam?

-Yep.

-What you need to do is serve her in a woman's voice.

How you doing, ladies? What can I get ya?

LAUGHTER

A tub of coleslaw. Can we get that, Derrin, love?

Couple of slices of that. Can we get that, Angie, please?

Let's get this lady what she wants.

LAUGHTER

It's your birthday? Oh, happy birthday!

-How old are you today?

-Ten.

-Ten? Wow, I remember being ten!

-Do you remember being ten, Derrin?

-No, it's too far!

-Oh, too long away!

-I don't remember yesterday!

-Here we go, is that it, love?

-That's it, thank you.

-£1.79 that please, love. Thank you.

There you go Angela, love. You do that.

I'm not good with tills me, I'm only new. There's your change.

-Thank you, my love.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Thanks.

-Thank you. Have a nice party. Happy birthday. See ya.

'Nothing half-baked about that!

'Sam seems to have got away with it, so the pressure's now on Mark.'

You all right, ladies? What do you want, darling?

-You don't want anything?

-She can't have bread.

Oh, no, what about coronation chicken down there?

-No, don't like chicken?

-I might have one of those.

Do you want a drink, Niamh?

Oh, Niamh, what a lovely name!

-There you go, thank you.

-Bargain! Look at that.

-Thank you very much.

-It's a pleasure. Take care, love, bye!

-Bye!

'So, that means Mark's levelled it up.

'Score draw, 4-4!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One quick question, Niamh.

-DUTCH ACCENT:

-Could you tell me where the dance centre is, please?

AMERICAN ACCENT: I have a map! I have a map!

My dad always said to me, "Never trust a woman with a beard!"

Lauren, surely, you must've started to smell a rat in that bakery?

Well, I could see it was you, kind of.

-Right.

-But I wouldn't, I didn't think it would be you.

I don't think anybody noticed me, cos when you left the shop,

the guy behind went, "Can I have a bacon sandwich, please?

LAUGHTER

Oh, brilliant.

And, Niamh, I thought you were totally going to get me there.

What were you thinking?

I thought it did look like Mark, and I just thought,

"I don't want to say anything just in case it isn't."

And I don't want to be rude.

That could have been awkward, bless you for being so polite.

That kept us in the game, you still didn't spot us.

So, it was down to the last resort - shadow walking.

Niamh, do it.

Run VT.

'It's time for the decider - shadow walking.

'Whoever can walk in the shadow of their target for the longest time,

'without being recognised, is our winner.'

'Looks like Niamh might have spotted Mark.'

-'Game over, son.'

-How're you doing?

-Fine.

-Are you all right?

'We've been playing a game with you'

all day, called In Your Face.

'Oh, and it looks like Lauren might have spotted Sam!'

Hello, Lauren, all right?!

'Winner!'

-How are you doing?

-You know the delivery person this morning?

That was me.

And then, you went for a little walk in the park, didn't you?

And there was a cyclist that went past you? Yeah, that was me.

-And I can't believe you didn't get me in here.

-I thought it was you.

You thought it was me?! You were being too polite, weren't you?

Hey, but something you don't know,

is that Sam has been playing the game also with Lauren.

-All right, Niamh?

-Hi!

I literally had to go up to her and go, "Hello."

-Did you enjoy that?

-You've got to say something to me.

-Happy birthday!

SAM AND MARK CHEER Don't forget the birthday.

CHEERING

All right, begrudgingly, I will say congratulations.

You pretty much had to jump into Lauren's face to get spotted there.

-That was funny.

-Lauren, it was actually your birthday.

The weirdest birthday ever?

-Yes, and thanks for making me late for my own birthday party.

-Oh, what?

-Sam!

-Oh, man!

-Oh, well, you've both been brilliant, brilliant sports.

Now, please, one more time...

-DUTCH ACCENT:

-Would you tell me the way to the town centre?

-I do not know.

-Give it a rest!

Ladies and gentlemen, a massive round of applause for Niamh and Lauren!

CHEERING

Bring on the finger!

CHEERING Whoa!

-Look at that!

-Hey, a party blower.

Wey-hey! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the finger of fun.

Now, finger, we need you to select someone,

someone who loves having some fun.

So, finger of fun, find us someone!

Who is it going to be?

Oh, it might be you, sir! Probably not you.

Oh, not you, mate, sorry.

Oh, it might be you, though.

Definitely not you.

Oh, it could be you.

Who's it going to be? Ohhh!

SAM: Wow!

Right, yes way, my friend.

-The finger has spoken, what is your name?

-Ben.

Ben, in that case, Ben,

get yourself down here, it's time to have some fun.

It's time for The Prize Surprise. Come on down, Ben.

CHEERING

Ben, it's brilliant to have you here with us.

We've got a surprise for you, don't worry, it's good.

Ben, who are you here with today?

I'm here with my mum, Sharon,

my dad, John, and my little sister, Molly.

Hiya, guys, you all right?

Well, to tell you the truth, Ben, we already knew that.

In fact, we know loads of stuff about you.

Yeah, we do, actually, for example,

-we know you played Oliver in a school play, is that right?

-Yes.

We also know that, when you grow up, you want to be a forensic scientist.

Yes.

We know that you know a few words in Turkish,

what kind of words do you know?

Like, "My name is Ben," say that in Turkish.

Uh, Ben Ben. That means "I, Ben".

-OK.

-"Ben Ben"? That's a stroke of luck, isn't it?

I might take up Turkish lessons.

-You could've said anything, I wouldn't have known.

-"Sam Sam."

"How are you doing, you all right?"

And, we also know that you love animals, in particular snakes.

-Is it true that you've got a pet snake?

-Three.

-Where do you keep them?

-In tanks.

-In tanks?

-OK.

One in my room, one in my uncle's room in his house,

-and one in my front room.

-Excellent.

-One in your room? Interesting.

We knew that fact, in fact, we know everything about your bedroom.

-Sounds like a cool bedroom, Ben.

-Yeah, really cool.

So cool we decided we'd like to see it for ourselves,

so we brought it here into the Wind-Up studio.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Ben's bedroom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ben, this is your bedroom, yeah?

-Yes.

-Good.

No, it's smaller than my bedroom.

-All right, all right.

-It's not that big a studio to be fair.

-My bedroom's twice the size of that.

-All right!

-Didn't get the dimensions right.

-Let's prove it.

Here's a picture of your bedroom before we nicked it.

-Nice.

-Good. This is what it looks like after we nicked it.

-Pretty bare.

-As we've sneaked into your room

without permission, we'll try to make it up to you

by giving you the chance to win some prizes from our Wind-Up Prize Stash.

-Yeah?

-OK.

-Yeah, that's only fair.

Ben, as you're a big fan of snakes, we've hidden loads

of the slippery suckers around your bedroom.

You've got 30 seconds to rummage through your bedroom and find them.

The more snakes you find, the more prizes. It couldn't be simpler.

Can we have 30 seconds on the clock, please?

-Thank you. Ben, are you ready?

-Yes.

-Audience, are you ready?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

The best of luck, Ben. In three, two, one, rummage!

That's it!

-Go on, yeah.

-Yeah!

-Have a good rummage.

-You've got it.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Where's he going?

-He's got something.

-Check the drawers.

Come on, Ben.

You've got 10 seconds left. Come on.

-Come on!

-Where are they?

-Come on!

-Where are they?

-Stop rummaging!

-Time's up.

-Come over here. Time's up.

-All right.

We'll give you that one. We didn't see that. OK, let's have a look.

How many have we got here? Come over here.

Let's take a look. We have got...

One! CHEERING

We've got...two! CHEERING

We've got three!

I'm not going to throw this one - it's heavy and might hurt someone.

We've got four! CHEERING

That's four snakes, which means you've won

four prizes from the Wind-Up Prize Stash. Not bad at all.

OK, but Ben, we are now going to wind things up a notch.

How do you fancy getting your hands on this?

That's right. It's a brand new laptop.

-You don't get the chimp!

-No, you don't get the chimp.

That's not all. As well as getting your hands on today's star prize,

we are also going to let you get revenge on your parents

because basically they were the ones who stitched you up

-by letting us "borrow" your bedroom.

-Borrow(!)

-We've got a pet snake as well. His name's Tiny and he's so cute.

-Yes!

-He's waiting backstage actually.

-You hold him, then!

Well, this is the thing. All you need to do is nominate either your mum

or your dad to come down here and hold him.

If they can do it for ten seconds you will win today's star prize. Simple.

-OK.

-Actually... Sorry. Sam, there's been a slight change of plan.

-Has there?

-Anybody tell you?

No, nobody's told me.

Come here, mate.

My chubby-cheeked friend. You stay there, Ben.

What we needed was someone who didn't like snakes,

who didn't understand what beautiful creatures they are.

-I think you know where this is going, don't you?

-Mm.

To win Ben our star prize, we want you to hold Tiny for ten seconds.

-Yeah?

-OK.

-Will you do it?

Yeah.

CHEERING

Right, so... Ben just said, "You WILL do it".

All right. I think it's time to meet Tiny.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

-Wow!

-Er... I'm not going to lie to you, Sam.

I didn't realise he was that big.

-How are you feeling about this?

-Great(!)

-Come over here.

Ben, any advice for Sam when handling snakes?

-Keep calm.

-Keep calm, yeah.

-Ignore it.

-Ignore it?!

SNAKE HISSES It's making noises and everything!

-All right. Are you going to put this over your shoulder?

-Yeah, all right.

It's going to ruin my suit!

No, listen, stick it over his shoulder.

-All right.

-Come on!

-SAM SQUEALS

-All right. All right!

-SAM SHRIEKS

It's a Burmese Python, four metres long. It weighs two stone.

-Start the clock!

-Start the clock!

Eats rats, pigs and TV presenters.

-Come on, Sam.

-AUDIENCE COUNTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good, good.

-Oh!

-Well done, Ben! You've won the Star Prize!

Welcome to the weekend!

Oh, my days! It's Sam and Mark!

Your dad isn't actually at the office today.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

The Foaminato-o-o-o-o-or!

-EXPLOSIONS

-Ooh!

That's all we've got time for today,

but join us next time on Sam And Mark's Big Wind-Up

for more of this...

-THE GIRLS SCREAM

-Bye!

MARK SCREAMS

Yeah!

OK, start the clock, will you?! Start the clock!

Are you all right, Nan?

-Yep.

-LAUGHTER