Episode 13 School of Silence

BELL RINGS CLUNK!

Ssh!

Ssh!

Ma'am.

GASPS

Yeargh!

CHILDREN YELL

Sssh! BELL RINGS

Welcome to the School of Silence.

This is where the noisiest children

are sent for intensive silence training.

Today four new pupils have got to prove they have got what it takes

to be absolutely silent after just one day's training.

Can they do it? Let's go and find out.

Sssh!

You should cover your ears. This raucous bunch are from Bristol.

They're having their noise levels assessed

by the headmistress and the form tutor.

Up to the front.

Right. You. Name.

RJ!

RJ is the first member of the team and makes so much

noise at home, he drives his little brother up the wall.

Next! You! What's your name?

Kira!

Kira loves music and likes nothing more

than cranking up her favourite tunes full blast.

Name!

Connor.

Connor loves to wind up his mum

by making lots of unnecessary noise. His mum is hoping

the school will change his ways.

You, name!

Lyndon.

Lyndon is a keen boxer and, as part of his training he loves to shout

at the top of his voice and at any other time, too, by the looks of it.

I have a feeling it's going to be

a tough day for the teachers at this school.

Right, get out! That's it! Yes, get out, all of you!

THEY YELL

Sssh! Here's how the day works. The new pupils

have three challenging classes to learn how to be silent

followed by the crucial final exam which will determine

whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If they are too noisy...

THEY CHATTER

THEY GIGGLE

..I will know about it, thanks to this device, the Gobstop 2000 -

the latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass they will graduate and receive

the ultimate reward, the Golden Gobstopper!

If they fail to keep THAT shut...

then I will have no choice but to expel them.

Ssh! Before we begin, I must ensure the school has been hushed down.

KLAXON BLARES

Seven seconds to hush down.

Seven...

six...

five...

four...

three...

two...

one!

Sshh!

SILENCE

Ssh! It's time for their silent training to start

with their first class of the day with Mr Gross.

Sssh!

Hands up who is aware

of my favourite period in history?

Any guesses?

The Ice Age.

Do you know why? Very, very quiet.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Come in.

Oh, good grief. Sit down please.

Right, I am Mr Gross. I am your teacher for general studies.

This lesson is the first lesson

in your silent training and it's very important

because it will prepare you for the rest of the day

leading up to your final exam in the gym

and if you fail that,

you will be expelled.

Remember Miss Gobstop is listening at all times

on these little microphones.

And if you make too much noise she will register it on her Gobstop 2000.

Do you think you can be silent? ALL: No!

Right. Well, that's not a good start, is it?

Silent training is about to begin.

Squirty Santa!

You have 30 seconds to turn your chosen teammate into a Squirty Santa.

Use a bowl of shaving foam to give them a big beard.

Fill the Santa's hat with the rest of the foam

and stick it on their head to finish.

And all of this must be done in absolute...

Silence? Yes, indeed. Correct.

This jar of gobstoppers will determine

which child is doing each test.

OK, Connor,

you can go first. OK.

Let's pick a gobstopper and see who's doing the task.

In your own time.

Red. Oh, RJ, what a shame.

How do you feel about being a squirty Santa, RJ?

Wicked. Wicked? Cool! Yes. Word up!

Never mind.

Are you ready? Mm-hm.

Your time starts...

now!

OK, here we go.

Pretty good to begin with.

Not a peep from anyone. Amazing.

Filling the hat now.

Lots of self-control from RJ,

who's absolutely covered in shaving foam.

Ho-ho-ho! TIMER RINGS

Time up! Did you enjoy that, RJ? Yes. You did?

Well, I didn't think that was too bad.

You're the strangest looking Santa I've ever seen.

Pretty good so far. Can Mr Gross make them crack?

It's about to get tougher.

Teddy...

Trump.

The chosen child will have 30 seconds to give

my teddy bear a lovely, nice cuddle.

And you'll have to do it in absolute silence.

Shouldn't be difficult. Lyndon?

Let's see who's hugging the teddy.

Pick out a gobstopper.

Remember, it might even be you. Green! Kira!

Delightful! Have you ever hugged a teddy before, dear?

Yeah. So you should be an expert. Let's see if you can do it quietly

and that goes for the rest of you, especially Santa.

Ho-ho-ho! Ssh!

So, Kira, what I want you to do is give him a lovely hug like this.

Huggy-wuggy woo! Huggy pie! Huggy pie!

Excuse me. Forgot where I was for a moment.

Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening. Your time

starts now.

Seems easy so far.

TEDDY: PHHHRPPPTTT!

This is a tough one. PHHHRRRPPPTTT!

But they are holding it together.

PHHHRRPT!

This is a first. PPHHRRPPTTT!

PRRPPPT! SHE CHUCKLES

Little chuckle from Kira there.

Still good.

PPRRRPPTT! TIMER RINGS

Spartacus! You naughty boy!

You hugged him too hard - you're squeezing out too many trumps. Oh!

I really caught that one right in the face.

This team are doing well. What has Mr Gross got up his sleeve?

Ssh! Say...

..what?

Say what? Say what?

What? No, no, no. It's called, "say what". It's not an instruction.

You'll have to hold up speech bubbles for the chosen pupil to read

in silence for 30 seconds.

Let's pick a gobstopper, Kira.

Who could it be? Right, you picked yourself.

Delightful. Ssh!

Are you ready? Yes!

There we go, that's better. Your time

starts now.

No, Kira is like stone.

Not even a smirk.

OK, next speech bubble.

Nothing. Oh, no, a giggle.

"My feet smell like baked beans" - nice!

OK, last one.

Oh, that got her!

TIMER RINGS

Good grief, boy!

Well, I finally got you.

Do you know what? You are one of the quietest classes I've ever had.

Unfortunately, one of your team let you down.

I wonder who it was?

Yes, you, you insolent child!

You sniggered all the way through

those ridiculous speech bubbles.

Get out of my class!

Dismissed! Ho ho ho!

Out you go.

Could have been a good start for this bunch

if Kira and Connor weren't in the class! Giggle,

giggle, giggle. At least Santa kept it shut.

Your first lesson's out of the way.

How do you think it went? OK. Yeah?

What did you do, Connor? I had a bowl of foam.

I had to put it all over RJ's face

and put a hat on him to make him like Santa.

I bet you hated that. Are you ready for the canteen - Nora and Britney?

ALL: Yes! Will you win the Golden Gobstopper?

Yes! Wicked! Off you go.

Through those doors. Good luck. See you in a bit.

MISS GOBSTOP ON PA: Attention! Attention! Pupils are reminded

that this is the School of Silence. Not the school

of whispering to your mates in the cloakroom. Yes, you know who you are.

With one class down,

it's time for some more silent training.

Coo-ee! It's lunchtime!

Hello, my dears. How are you?

My name is Mrs Nora Nugget but you can call me Nora, dear.

This is my assistant, Britney.

ALL: Hi!

Well, we are going to be feeding you a number of delicious items

from our menu this afternoon.

There is something I'd like to bring to your attention before we start.

Can you see the "silence" sign on the back wall? ALL: Yes.

If you see that flashing red at any point

it means you're making far too much noise

and it will have set off Miss Gobstop's Gobstop 2000,

which she pays very close attention to in her office.

What tasty treat is first on the menu?

Doughnut dip. Right, now,

so the chosen teammate

will be trying to fish the doughnut out of the sugar.

All right? Right, then.

Let's find out who's going to be doing it.

Who'd like to pick? I think ladies first.

Kira, Would you like to pick the first coloured gobstopper?

Who's it going to be?

Kira, you've picked yourself!

Isn't that marvellous?

Please remember this must be done, as I have said, in absolute silence.

So, your 30 seconds, Kira, my dear...

starts now.

And she's off.

Kira really needs to do well in this one

after her outbursts in the last class.

A little chuckle but well controlled.

Quiet as a mouse.

Nibbling on a sticky doughnut.

Nearly there.

TIMER RINGS That's time, Kira, dear.

Well done.

Complete silence.

You're brilliant, aren't you?

What a fabulous class you are.

Can they keep up the good work?

Feed...

a...

friend.

KIRA: Oh, no.

All right? Now, in this game

you will each be given a very long spoon

and you will be feeding each other chocolate mousse.

So you'll all...

I don't think we need gobstoppers, Britney, dear. They're all playing.

Thank you, Britney, dear.

Ssh!

Are you all ready? Yes?

Are you ready? Let me hear you say, "Yeah!" ALL: Yeah! Marvellous.

You have 30 silent seconds, my dears,

starting from now.

Will they crack?

Big laugh there from Kira.

Some definite sniggering going on.

Yep, definitely some chuckles.

They just can't seem to control the giggling.

TIMER RINGS

That is time. What a mess!

And there was quite a lot of giggling, wasn't there?

For your silent training, you'll have to work harder than you did there.

Well, I wish you very, very good luck

this afternoon in Mrs Bunsen's science class and good luck

for your final exam.

Right, off you go, then, dears.

Cheerio!

MISS GOBSTOP: Lunchtime.

What a wonderful beginning and what a TERRIBLE end!

The Gobstop 2000 was going...bananas. What were they doing in there?

Get me Nora Nugget!

So, you've met dinner ladies Nora and Britney, how was that?

It was weird. Very. Yeah?

I think things fell apart in the feed a friend test, didn't they?

When I was feeding Lyndon my mouth was eating one side,

and I was like poking him in the mouth and in the head.

Was it the idea to make RJ look like Fred Flintstone?

Is that what you were trying to do? Looking good!

You're off to science next with Miss Bunsen.

It's all down to how silent you can be. It's just testing you

before your final exam when it all comes into play. Ready to go? Yes!

Science lesson, Mrs Bunsen. Good luck, off you go. See you in a bit.

Thanks.

MISS GOBSTOP ON PA: Attention! This is the School of Silence.

A reminder that all pupils attending Colonel Kittens' Soldier Club

should march on tiptoes.

It's time for more silent training

in the last class of the day before their final exam. Sssh!

Space! The final frontier.

More specifically, the solar system,

which is a silent one. KNOCKING AT DOOR

Come in, children.

Come in.

CHILDREN ROAR AND YELL

What a noise!

Come and sit down! You'll end up setting off the Gobstop 2000!

This science class is to be conducted in complete...silence.

Good.

What does Miss Bunsen have in store for the giggling team from Bristol?

Star...

suit.

Star suit. One of you

will be getting dressed up in my special, patented suit.

That will represent the Sun and the others

will be throwing the planets to the Sun.

Hopefully, it will demonstrate the gravity within our universe.

Let's see who's going to be doing it.

Here we go. Let Santa pick.

Here we go.

Oh! Oh... Oh!

It's your buddy, Kira.

Now, this experiment is to be... KIRA GIGGLES

Zip it!

Is to be conducted

in complete and utter silence. Yes. Let's get started.

Your silent time starts...

now!

Good start.

Oh...

big outburst there.

BOYS CHATTER

Have they forgotten the rules?

Oh!

Oh, no!

Good aim,

but they are definitely

finding it a challenge to keep quiet.

BOYS GIGGLE

They're getting worse!

And time... TIMER RINGS

Time! Oh!

Very good, the experiment, that is. But there was far too much giggling

and talking all the way through it!

My goodness!

You seem to be getting worse!

Not better.

Oh dear. This is not how it's supposed to work.

Rain...

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Zip it!

Thank you. ..catcher.

CHILDREN SNORT AND SNIGGER

Rain catcher. What you have to do

is one of you will be up here

with boxing gloves on and you will have to catch the raindrops

thrown by somebody else. How exciting! Now,

who is going to be the one catching the raindrops?

Connor, why don't you pick? There we go.

Yes. Oooh!

Unlucky, Connor, it's you. Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Here we go.

Lyndon, we don't have very long. You have to throw these raindrops

and you, Connor, have to catch them. Ready?

Your silence...

starts...now!

Good catch and very silent.

Oh, a chuckle from Kira.

And again.

Connor's doing well.

Lyndon's getting through those raindrops quickly.

And it's all over. TIMER BUZZES

That's it!

So much giggling!

I thought my eardrums'd burst, honestly!

You're going to have to pull your socks up

if you want to pass Colonel Kittens' final exam.

Do you think you'll actually get your Golden Gobstopper at the end?

ALL: Yeah.

Do you? Yeah.

You'll have to be quieter than that because Colonel Kittens

just won't put up with it, he really won't.

Well, that's the end of my class.

Off you go then.

Yeah, I know. I couldn't stop laughing with that pink hair.

MISS GOBSTOP: As Miss Bunsen

continually says, "Science in silence."

What a shame that didn't get through

to Connor and Lyndon! A terrible racket!

That was Miss Bunsen and science. How did it go?

Good. How do you think you did?

Getting better at staying silent? Yeah.

From Mr Gross's class, you were quite quiet in there.

And then with Nora and Britney, you got a little bit louder,

a little bit noisier. But Mr Gross is scary. He is a bit scary.

Is that why you were so quiet in his class?

What's going to happen in your next exam? It's your final exam

and you must as quiet as you can to pass. We'll do it.

Going to do it? No...

If anyone's going to do it, we'll do it.

You are going to meet to Colonel Kittens for your final exam.

Come on. Are you going to win the Golden Gobstopper? ALL: Yes!

Best of luck. He's waiting for you out there.

Silence is the key.

MISS GOBSTOP ON PA: Attention. Attention.

This is the School of Silence. Pupils are reminded that in future,

the menu item bubble and squeak will now simply be known as bubble.

They've had their three classes and now it's time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test. To graduate

and win the Golden Gobstopper, they must keep THAT shut.

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times, they will be EXPELLED!

Their silent training

has all been building up to this -

their final exam

with Colonel Kittens.

Right, you noisy little nitwits,

I'm Colonel Kittens and it's my job to make you crack.

This is your final exam.

If you set off the Gobstop 2000 three times, you will be expelled.

If you manage to keep quiet and make less than three noises,

you will pass and graduate,

winning the Golden Gobstopper.

How does that sound?

ALL: Amazing! Right.

Behind me are the instruments of your downfall.

Believe you me, all of these will be coming your way,

during which you must try not to squeal, scream,

laugh, cry, shout or discuss

the horrible things that are occurring to you with each other.

Do you think you can do it? ALL: Yes, sir!

Yes, Colonel! Yes, Colonel! Good.

I don't think you can. So let's find out who's right, shall we?

Are you ready to suffer in silence? Yes, Colonel!

I don't think so.

Let's find out.

Your time starts...NOW!

He's going for the old favourite - the tickling stick.

Will it get them?

No, they are staying strong. Good start.

Here comes the orange splat.

It's warm.

Oh. A bit of talking there.

Who gets the leftovers, do we think?

Who's the most vulnerable? Lyndon?

Looking for signs.

Nothing. Good.

Colonel's going to have to step it up.

A jug of yellow goo, just for you.

Silly string.

Like an avalanche on Connor's head, but still nothing.

How about some gunge trifle?

It's a double whammy,

Kira and RJ. Still not a sound, though.

The girly feathers.

Oh. Was that a snigger?

TIMER RINGS Oh, time up.

Right, time up!

How do you think you did? Amazing. Good. Pretty good?

Yeah. Can't see, though. Sorry? Can't see.

You can't see, though. Well, you can't have everything, can you, boy?

Do you know, I don't think that was half bad.

But did you set off the Gobstop 2000?

Did you do it once, twice or even three times?

What do you reckon, Lyndon?

Once. Once?

I think I've had just about enough of you.

I'm sick of the sight of ya.

Get out of my gym!

You still here, boy?

So that's the final exam over and done with. Is it what you expected?

No. No! For exams at school,

do you have a pen and paper? Yeah. Well, not at the School of Silence,

you have gunge and rubber chickens. How do you think you did?

Good. Good. Are you going to graduate?

Yeah. Yeah. Would you like to find out? Yeah.

OK, Miss Gobstop's waiting for you, off you go.

They look nervous, and they should be.

It's time to find out how they did in their final exam.

You've been sent here...

because you're all far too noisy.

And I've put you through silent training today.

How do you think you did? Amazing. Good?

Well, let's take a look at your report, shall we? RJ...

or should I say, Santa Claus?

Nice beard.

Quite silent, I was impressed.

You seem to like beards.

You had a chocolate one in the canteen too.

Connor. A bit of a giggler.

But you managed to control yourself, well done.

Lyndon. Look into my eyes, Lyndon.

Could do better, a lot of laughing.

We pick it all up on the Gobstop 2000, you know?

Oh!

Kira, the only girl.

You did quite well at first.

Started to crack in Mr Gross's class, didn't you?

..Yes. I hear it all.

And steadily got worse.

PHHHRRRPPPTTT! PPRRRPPPT!

Oh, no!

So how did you do in your final exam?

Good.

Did you fail,

or can I graduate you?

Graduate?

Graduate?

I can reveal,

unfortunately,

for some, fortunately for others, you graduated.

Oh, the silent cheer. It's like music to my ears.

And I can now present you...

..with the Golden Gobstopper.

Isn't it pretty?

Yes. And so very silent.

No, not a peep.

RJ, it's nearly the same size as you, be careful.

So, get out, spread the silence.

(Don't say a word.

(Tiptoes.)

Goodbye, children.

Goodbye.

See you in a bit.

Shut the door. CHILDREN SHOUT: YES! YES!

Barney, go out there and tell them to be quiet. OK.

Miss Gobstop says you can make lots of noise.

Barney! CHILDREN: Yes!

Quick, run! I said, "Be quiet!"

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