Episode 12 School of Silence

BELL RINGS

Shhh...

Shhh....

Oh!

Aaah!

LOUD CHEERING

-Shhh...

-BELL RINGS

Welcome to the School Of Silence.

It's where the noisiest children in the country are sent

for intensive silent training. Four new pupils have got a challenge.

The biggest challenge of their lives yet. Will they be quiet?

-I don't know. Let's find out.

-Shh...

This loud lot are from Ipswich and they're currently having

their volume levels assessed by the headmistress and form tutor.

Come to the front, come to the front.

Name?

-Callum!

-At his old school, Callum is renowned

-for talking in class. He'll have to watch that here.

-Name?

-Connor!

-Connor is constantly being told off by him mum.

No matter where

he is, he likes to start shouting...for no reason.

Next, you! Name?

-Saffron!

-Saffron dances so loudly in her bedroom

that she makes the living room ceiling shake downstairs.

You, name?

-Con.

-To create maximum noise, Con likes to play his trumpet

not only loudly,

but also as badly as possible. This is the right school for these four,

-but the teachers have definitely got a challenge ahead.

-Right,

get out, that's it. Yes, get out, all of you!

CHEERING

Shh... Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three

challenging classes to learn how to be silent, following by the crucial

final exam, to determine whether they will graduate or be expelled!

If they are too noisy...

LAUGHTER AND COMMOTION

..I will know about it, thanks to this device,

the Gobstop 2000, the latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass, they will graduate

and receive the ultimate reward, The Golden Gobstopper!

If they fail...to keep that shut,

then I will have no choice but to expel them. Shh...

Now, before we begin, I must ensure the school has been hushed down.

HORN BLARES

-Seven seconds to hushdown.

-SHOUTING

Seven...

Six...

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

Shhh...

CLOCK TICKS

TICKING STOPS

So, the day's silent training begins

with a visit to Mr Gross's class for general studies.

You know what that is? Do you know?

It's lovely silence.

KNOCKING

Only not for long. ..Come in!

ALL: Yay!

Sit down, please.

Child, why is your hand stuck to your face?

Put it down. Right, sit up straight, elbows off the desk.

Come on, we're not in the youth club now.

Listen carefully, I am Mr Gross.

I am your teacher for General Studies.

Saffron, you will be for the high jump.

This is the first lesson of your silent training.

We will use this jar of gobstoppers

to select which child is doing each test.

Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening at all times on these microphones...

..and she's monitoring it with her Gobstop 2000.

If you make too much noise, she'll hear it.

I've got eyes in the back of my head, I can see you, Saffron.

-Time for silent training to begin.

-Shh...

Puppy... Parp. The chosen child

will have to hug the puppy for 30 seconds in absolute silence.

The rest of you will sit there also in silence.

Right!

Con, put your hand in there and pull something out.

Oh, it's you! What a shame. I do like it when that happens.

-Now, do you think you can do this one, Con?

-Yeah.

-OK, let's get the puppy. Odysseus, are you there? Odysseus?

-Shh...

You have to give him a proper hug.

All right?

Like this. Oh...

Do you think you can do that in absolute silence? Good.

Your time starts...

now.

-Shh...

-Nice, quiet cuddling from Con.

-PARP!

-Oh, giggles from the rest of the team.

PARP!

PARP!

-Will those giggles set off the Gobstop 2000?

-PARP!

-PARP!

-Con's still controlling himself.

-PARP!

-Five seconds to go.

-PARP!

PARP!

ALARM RINGS Time!

Good grief! The poor puppy!

All that parp... Oh!

I thought it was you, Con. He appears to have a bit of tummy trouble.

Oh, Odysseus, what have you been eating?

PARP!

I definitely detected some sniggering there,

but I don't think you set off the Gobstop 2000. Not a bad start.

Let's try another test and we'll make it a little more...difficult.

-OK, what's next on the silent training syllabus?

-Flying...

Toilet...

Paper!

Now, I hope that's quite self-explanatory.

There will be something flying and it will be toilet paper.

The chosen pupil will wear a target round their neck

and whoever pulls the gobstop out of the jar will have to throw

the toilet paper at the target

and you will have 30 seconds to do this in absolute silence.

So, who's going to be the target?

I really hope it's you, Saffron.

Pick out a gobstopper, let's see what happens.

-Red...

-Never mind, it's Callum, but you'll be chucking the toilet paper.

Excellent! Now, it's quite important that you know

that the toilet paper hasn't been used, and although the water

is from the toilet there's no wee in it. I tasted it myself.

-Shh...!

-Have a feel, nice and squishy, aren't they?

Yes...

Right!

Your time starts NOW!

Masses of giggling from Saffron and Connor as well.

Remember, they've all got to be quiet.

-Throw harder.

-They've got to get these noises down.

The whole team are pulling it back now.

They're pretty quiet.

ALARM RINGS OK! That's enough. Time up!

Well, there was a lot of giggling,

particularly from you, boy. Connor... Connor the giggler.

-We're obviously going to have to make this much harder.

-So, next up...

Fishy... GIGGLING

Beans! Beans!

Avalanche.

The chosen pupil will have 30 seconds to remain absolutely silent

whilst one of your pours ice and then a fish down their back.

OK, Callum. Seeing as you did so well being a target,

you can pick this one and make someone else the target, hopefully.

Although, you could pick yourself, which is unfortunate,

but at the same time, mildly amusing.

Right! Pick away.

I wonder who it will be!

Oh! What a shame!

It's Saffron. How delighted...

Do you know what? I haven't been so delighted since my last birthday.

Anyway, Saffron! What luck!

-Shh...

-This is Linda.

She's only sleeping, don't worry. Right...

Give her the fish.

Careful with Linda. HE GIGGLES

Your 30 seconds starts...

..now.

Ha-ha-ha...!

Oh, giggles early on from Saffron.

Con's going as well... No, he's held it back, great work.

In goes the fish.

This could be tough.

Time!

Well, well, well... Let's get Linda out.

Stand up and shake that fishy out.

Shake it! There we go. There's Linda.

How are you, dear? Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine, thank you very much.

Right, you must make sure you wash your hands carefully afterwards.

Linda is beautiful,

-but she's not the most hygienic fish in the world.

-Shh...

So, you didn't do too badly.

However, there were a couple of team members, a couple of pupils

who weren't so good and were giggling almost constantly.

I shan't point them out now...

Why, thank you.

..but it was these two. OK, wait! I've had enough!

-Mr Hairstyle, you're getting it...

-Mr Gross!

Mr Hairstyle left four years ago, couldn't take it any more.

I've had enough! You're dismissed from my class.

BELL RINGS Get out! Quietly!

ALL: Yay!

Mr Gross certainly had his work cut out for him with these pupils.

By the look of the Gobstop 2000,

Saffron and Connor have certainly been sent to the right school. Hmm?

-OK, so, that was Mr Gross. How was it?

-It was all right.

-What about the fish?

-The only thing I didn't like is,

-I absolutely hate fish.

-You did pretty well. It's all designed

to test how silent you can be. Do you think it's working?

-Yeah.

-Your next lesson is with the dinner ladies, Nora and Britney.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Will you be silent, even if it's messy?

-Yeah.

-No.

-Well, we're about to find out. Good luck!

'Attention! Attention! This is the School Of Silence.

'When winning a race at sports' day,

'could pupils please remind their parents not to applaud?'

So, with one class behind them, it's off to the canteen

-to continue their silent training.

-Shh...!

Coo-ee, Britney, dear!

It's lunch time. ..Hello there, how are you?

Very pleased to meet you, my name is Nora.

Nora Nugget, I'm the dinner lady here at the School Of Silence.

I believe you've already met my lovely assistant, Britney.

It is my pleasure to welcome you to my kitchen

as part of your silent training. We will be feeding you

a number of delicious dishes from our menu this afternoon. All right?

-I hope you're nice and hungry.

-First up on the menu...

-Shh...

Gherkin jelly.

-Oh, I like jelly as well.

-This is one of my favourite recipes.

Your chosen team-mate will have 30 seconds to eat

as many gherkins from the jelly as possible.

And you, as the picker, will reach into the jelly

to find the gherkins for them to eat. All right? So, why don't we ask

Callum at the end, Britney, if he can pick a coloured gobstopper for us.

A green one!

Oh, Connor, how marvellous! Now, you are going to remember, aren't you,

that Miss Gobstop can hear every sound you make from your microphones?

-Shhh...

-That looks disgusting, doesn't it?

-It looks delicious.

-What a pity you're not eating it.

Right then, Callum, you have 30 seconds to retrieve

as many of those gherkins as you can and feed them to young Connor.

All right, dear? That's just marvellous. 30 seconds

of absolute silence, all of you.

Right, starting from...now!

A good start from the whole team here.

Oh...

Oh, a bit of chatting there, that's not good.

Now, remember, Connor's got to eat the gherkins as well.

-No, he's not going for it.

-(Try one.)

He's not eating the gherkins, but he is staying silent.

Time's running out!

ALARM RINGS Oh, that's time up.

Well, you managed to keep quite quiet, didn't you?

-Because you didn't eat a thing!

-Oh, dear,

-time for another delicacy.

-Right, I love this one.

This is called the Chin...Sundae.

Now, you will have 30 seconds

to make a sundae on the chin of your chosen team-mate.

We have chocolate sauce, some hundreds and thousands, and some

rice puffs that all need to be put on your team-mate's face. All right?

-Without making a sound, in 30 seconds. All right?

-Mm.

And I think we'll get young Con to choose the next one, shall we?

Oh, you've picked yourself. So you have to make

a sundae on your own face, dear. You can help young Con

put his chin sundae on, all right?

-Shh...

-Your 30 seconds of absolute silence,

to give Con a lovely chin sundae, starts now!

-Ha-ha!

-Oh, dear, a few giggles creeping out early on.

(Rice Krispies now.)

And some whispering!

Saffron and Connor getting great coverage on the chin.

Oh, it's time up!

Well, that was jolly good. You've made a fantastic chin sundae

and you all managed to stay really quiet! It's certainly an improvement

from Mr Gross's class. BELL RINGS

Off you go now, you can clear off.

Woo...

Generally quiet, generally good food...

Con did particularly well.

You've had a few tests now. How is the silence training going, Connor?

It's kind of going a bit...ugh.

-I did not like the first test, that was horrible.

-Gherkin jelly,

and then, of course...

-I helped him.

-Chin Sundae.

Let's talk about the test. You were quite excited about Chin Sundae?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Have you done it before?

-No, no...

-Your next lesson is Science, with Miss Bunsen. Ready?

-Yeah.

-Will you pass the next tests?

-Yeah.

-And be silent?

-Yes!

-Good luck. Off you go.

-All right.

-Thank goodness.

Try not to eat all that sundae at once. I think they're gonna do it.

'Attention... We will be observing one minute's silence

'in remembrance of the school pet, Charlie the guinea pig. Oh...

-'Let's make it an hour.'

-Shh...

-So, with only class left

before their final exam, the team from Ipswich head to the lab.

-Shh...

-Wonderful. Now, continue your colouring.

Come on in. ..Oh, hello!

Right, my name is Miss Bunsen and I am your Science teacher.

Now, I must impress upon you the importance of silence in my class.

Science in silence, have you got it?

-Yeah.

-And, of course, it's your last lesson of the day, isn't it,

before your final exam? Let's see if we can get you ready for it.

-Time for the first bit of silent science training.

-Human...

Human...air...

bag. It's one of my own inventions. I thought,

people are falling over all the time, aren't they?

What if you had an airbag in your clothing?

Brilliant, isn't it? I know! I can see you're shocked by my genius.

Let's see who's going to be testing my human airbag.

Connor!

Pick the coloured gobstopper, Connor.

Oh, Saffron. Unlucky!

-Shh...

-Let me get this straight. They have to inflate an airbag

inside their clothes, in silence?

You must remain silent, as you know.

No giggling. Are you ready?

Your time starts...now!

Nice and quiet from Saffron

and Callum and Connor on the bench - good work.

That's it. Keep going.

-Keep going...

-Oh, dear. I thought that might happen.

-It's popped! It didn't work.

-Well, the invention didn't work,

-but they stayed silent.

-Shhh....

The next one is called Sticky...

..hat.

I have invented a wonderful hat which is able to stick things onto it.

Con, you can pick this one.

Oh, Saffron, you are unlucky.

-Shh...!

-You're going to throw the balls at the sticky hat.

Your time starts...

In absolute silence!

Your time starts...now!

Oh, giggling.

Still giggling.

Yeah, this isn't good.

Saffron's losing it, starting to chuckle now.

The plastic balls are sticking to the hat,

but the team are giggling quite a lot.

Squeaking...

and tapping the desk, this is bad.

ALARM RINGS Time's up! Time's up!

Right...

Oh, the hat works perfectly.

A lot to remember in Colonel Kittens' final exam.

He just wumped the top of that and he's gonna throw much worse at you.

Yes, that is the end of my class. BELL RINGS

Class dismissed.

They all seem to be doing quite well, especially Callum.

Until Saffron put on the hat!

What's so funny about hats?!

Look at this. Look at the silence. The training's working, isn't it?

-No!

-Well, your bottom did explode, didn't it?

-It wasn't actually my bottom, it was the airbag.

-Oh, the airbag exploded.

Your bottom's still in one piece. You've now to face Colonel Kittens.

-Oh.

-He may sound cute and cuddly, he's not, he's a scary bloke.

-Do you want the Golden Gobstopper?

-Yes.

-Ready for the final exam?

-Yes.

-Colonel Kittens is waiting for you. Left, right. Good luck!

-Woo!

-Shh...

'Attention! This is the School Of Silence.

'The following foods are banned from the canteen -

'bangers and mash and chicken drumsticks!'

They've had their three classes and it's time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test.

To graduate and win the Golden Gobstopper,

they must keep that shut! If they set off the Gobstop 2000

-three times, they will be expelled!

-Well, their silent training

has all been building up to this, their final exam...

-with Colonel Kittens.

-You 'orrible little oiks! I am

Colonel Kittens and it is

my job to make you crack. And from what I've heard,

that might be a little bit tricky.

However, if anyone can do it,

the Colonel can. You're here for your final exam,

Miss Gobstop is listening on these 'ere microphones. Make three noises

that set off the Gobstop 2000 and you will be expelled!

Keep quiet, make less than that

and you will graduate and win the Golden Gobstopper.

-Are you ready to suffer in silence?

-Yeah!

-Your time starts...NOW!

First up, the tickling stick.

Good resolve from Saffron.

Oh, and well controlled by Connor.

OK, good start from the whole team.

Here comes the custard.

Oh, a bit of a peep from Con, but well handled.

Oh, and the roller...

but the whole team are keeping it together really well.

They're not cracking! Even with a close stare from the Colonel.

QUIET GIGGLING

Oh, a few giggles from Connor there, but was that enough

to set off the Gobstop 2000?

Can they hold it together?

Here comes the custard brush...

Slight giggles.

-It's sparkly.

-Oh, no, who said that?

-Surely that has registered?

-Ha-ha-ha!

-No, they're so close!

-No way!

-That's got to be too much volume.

-It's snowing!

Time up! Well, I don't know about you, but I rather enjoyed that!

-So did I.

-Who said that?

-Me.

-I can't tell. I can't see you.

-Is that your natural colour, boy?!

-Yeah.

-That looks lovely on you.

-I want to do some more.

-You want to do some more?

-Yeah.

-More?!

-Yeah!

Nobody ever wants more!

I've never had that in my entire life. Right, that's it.

I've had enough of you lot. How do you think you did?

-Very well...

-Very well. You're confident. Well, we shall see.

Now, get out of my gym! Dismissed!

-Shh...

-There's quite a lot of mess. Would you consider that

-a successful final exam?

-Yes.

-Well, the majority of the gunk and goo

-went all over you. Did you enjoy that?

-Yeah.

-I got most of it on my head and I look like a girl.

-Yes, you did.

I couldn't seriously see, because all that spray stuff

was mostly all over my goggles and I was just dazzled,

-having an eye through there.

-It's designed to make you make noise..

-I want some more.

-There's no time for more, you've got to

go and see Miss Gobstop for the verdict. Have you graduated,

-or are you going to be expelled? Have you graduated?

-Yeah.

-You've graduated?

-Yeah.

-You've graduated?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Miss Gobstop's office, off you go.

OK, it's time to find out how they did in their final exam.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

Quickly.

I could smell you all from outside.

You were sent here today because you're all far too noisy.

I've put you through rigorous training, let's see how you did.

-Callum?

-Yes.

What a giggler. You tried to hold your giggles in, and at one point,

-I thought you were going to pop.

-Shh...

HE GIGGLES

-Shh...

-Connor... The green boy. Another gigglebox.

You were laughing all the way through, distracting the others.

Shh...

PARP!

HE GIGGLES

-Shh...

-Saffron... You're the unluckiest pupil.

You were picked many times, destiny chose you,

but you deserved it, and quite frankly, you needed the training.

-Yes.

-Shh...

-SHE GIGGLES

-Shh...

-Con. Barely made a sound, boy.

-Did you come to the right school?

-PARP!

Really? So, overall, your constant giggling has given me earache.

So, let's see, how did you do in your final exam?

Did you fail, or did you graduate?

-What do you think?

-I think...we graduated.

You think you graduated?

Well, I can now reveal... you'll be expelled!

Ooh...

-You only set off the Gobstop 2000 six times!

-Well, they stayed strong

till the final few seconds. Let's see those six strikes.

-It's sparkly.

-BEEP!

-It's snowing!

-BEEP!

-For the first time!

-BEEP!

GIGGLING

-BEEP!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-BEEP!

-It's snowy!

BEEP!

Six times! Saffron and Connor - more than the others.

Giggle, giggle, giggle. No Golden Gobstopper,

but seeing as you like making noise, you can have these. ..Take it.

Take it.

Take it.

You get this one. You're too noisy for my school.

-Get out!

-BELL RINGS

Quickly... Yes, frightened little chickens.

-Barney...

-Yes.

Get out!

Just going, bye.

Shut it.

THEY SHOUT