Episode 11 School of Silence

Welcome to the School Of Silence. This is where the noisiest children

in the country are sent for intensive silent training.

Today, four new pupils have what it takes to stay completely silent.

This noisy bunch are from Leeds and are having their noise levels

assessed by the headmistress and the form tutor.

-Come to the front.

-Come closer.

-Right, you, name?

-Nicola!

Nicola says she is silly all the time

and is always chuckling and giggling.

-Next.

-Armani!

Armani is well-known in his class,

as he gives them all earache from shouting so loudly.

-Next?

-Rudi!

Rudi's favourite thing is shouting and screaming loudly.

He is renowned for his belly laughter.

Better watch this one.

Next?

-Mollie!

-Mollie's older brothers are fed up with her screaming

and shouting, so she makes number four in this rowdy team from Leeds.

The teachers at the School Of Silence have their work cut out.

That's enough, get out.

THEY SHOUT AND BAWL

Ssh! Here is how the day works,

the new pupils have three challenging classes

to learn how to be silent. Followed by the crucial final exam

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If they are too noisy...

..I will know about it thanks to this device - the Gobstop 2000.

The latest in noise monitoring technology.

If they pass, they will graduate and receive the ultimate reward -

the Golden Gobstopper.

If they fail to keep THAT shut,

then I will have no choice but to expel them.

But before we begin....

I must ensure that school has been hushed down.

Seven seconds to hush-down.

Seven...

Six...

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One...

Ssssssh!

CRACK!

It's time for their silent training to start

with their first class with Mr Gross.

Sssssh! Oh, good grief. Come in.

Sit down, quickly, please. Into your seats.

-Quicker. Quicker.

-BELL RINGS

I am Mr Gross, your teacher for General Studies.

Silence, please. Hush, please. You will be for the high jump.

This is the first lesson

in your silent training which must be done in absolute silence.

This jar of gobstoppers will determine which child

is doing each lesson.

And remember,

Miss Gobstop is always listening on those microphones.

Yes, those microphones there, there and there.

And up here, you will see the monitor for her Gobstop 2000.

The Gobstop 2000 will go off every time you make too much noise.

So, let's get on with your training.

-What's up first?

-It's called maggot hold.

Now, I don't think this needs a lot of describing, frankly.

You are going to hold some maggots and you're going to have do it

in silence for 30 seconds.

Let's find out who's going to be the unlucky one. Armani.

Would you like to pick, young man?

Oh, well, what a shame.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

I had a feeling you would like that, Rudi.

I shall fetch my favourite friends in the whole world,

William, Tony, Geoffrey, Margaret...

Take those, hold them gently.

Remember, it is very important

that you stay silent throughout this entire task.

Armani, you will pour the maggots when I tell you.

Once they're in your hand, I'll give the signal and the time will start.

30 seconds. I doubt you will manage two.

-Are you ready?

-No.

Hold your hands tightly together. Pour the maggots!

No! No! No! No!

Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh!

Your time starts - now.

This is a tough start to their silent training,

Rudi has a reputation for his laugh.

RUDI CACKLES

And there it is. That's just too loud.

Oh, oh, oh! Oh. Oh...

It's not looking good at all.

Give it up...

Nearly there.

He'll have to wash his hands after this.

-No! Help!

-TIMER RINGS

Time's up! Put them down.

I give up. I really do.

A noisy start, but what's next?

Gunge boot.

You will have 30 seconds to put your chosen team-mate

into a pair of gungey Wellington boots.

Then they must parade around in front of you all,

and this must be done in absolute silence.

Let's find out who's going to be doing it.

Nicola, which colour will it be?

Have a little pick.

White! Mollie.

Mollie, you're going to get the gunge boot, dear.

-How do you feel about that?

-I don't know.

-"I don't know!"

RUDI CACKLES

Oh, good grief! He's off.

One pair of Wellington boots,

two jugs of lovely gunk.

What you'll be doing is pouring the gunk in the Wellington boots.

You, Mollie, will put them on,

and by all means have a little jump up and down,

whatever you silly little children do in the playground,

do it in the boot.

Are you ready?

Your 30 seconds starts...

now!

Oh!

A bit of noise there.

Eurgh!

A lot of noise from Rudi

and from Mollie.

-Go!

-Talking from Rudi!

GIGGLING

And loud laughing now.

Lots of noise here!

They're going to need a lot of silent training.

-TIMER RINGS

-Time's up.

Sit down, Mollie.

How did that feel, Mollie?

-Disgusting.

-Disgusting?

-Yeah.

Oh, dear. What's next?

Ice slush...

...mush.

Mollie, you will be pouring

a jug of slush down the back of your chosen team-mate.

Have a dig around in there.

-Blue.

-Armani, you have been sitting there quite quietly,

haven't you? Very good. Let's see if you can keep quiet

under pressure, and remember, this must be done in absolute silence!

If Miss Gobstop's Gobstop 2000 goes off,

then you've made too much noise,

and that goes for everyone.

Right. Let's get the lovely slush.

Lovely slushy, mushy.

Ahh! It's freezing.

You're going to enjoy this.

You have 30 seconds to pour it ALL down.

Your time starts...now.

-LAUGHTER

-Some laughing there.

Ah. It's Rudi again.

Keep it in, Nicola.

Lots of noise, but Armani's staying silent.

-RUDI:

-Oh, oh, oh!

Despite all the noise around him,

Armani's still doing really, really well.

It's Rudi making most of the noise again.

Just a few seconds.

-TIMER RINGS

-Stop! Stop, please.

Mercy! I beg of you, give me that!

Go and sit down, Mollie.

This does not bode well for your final exam.

It doesn't! This alarm went off several times. The Gobstop 2000

has never heard such noise.

Right. Stand up. Get back to your seat, Armani.

Class, there's no more time, and I have to say, thank goodness for that

because you are without doubt

the worst children I've had since the last lot of children.

BELL RINGS

Get OUT of my classroom!

Rudi? Rudi?

Why is he at MY school?

Why Rudi?

Dreadful boy! Ugh!

Rudi, what's going on? Are you finding it hilarious?

-Yeah!

-Do you think that by the end of it Rudi will be silent?

-ALL: No!

Nicola, you filled Mollie's boots with gunge. You enjoyed that?

-Yes.

-Was it easy to stay silent while you were doing it?

-No.

Your next test is in the canteen. You'll meet Nora and Britney.

-Britney's cool. You'll love her. You ready?

-Yes!

-All right then.

Attention. Attention!

This is the School of Silence.

The new school hymn is Silent Night.

Please practise it - quietly!

So after a noisy start to the day,

I think this lot need some more silent training.

Cooee! It's lunch time!

Ho, ho, ho! Well, hello. My name is Mrs Nora Nugget.

Welcome to my kitchen.

And this is my lovely assistant, Britney Biscuit.

As part of your silent training, you have been sent here today,

and we are going to feed you some of our fancy foods from the menu.

You do know that Miss Gobstop can hear every sound you make.

That includes your rather infectious laugh, young man, all right?

I'd like to see you all graduate at the end of the day.

Will they be able to stay silent for this one?

So the first item on our menu today is the silent trump. You will have

30 seconds in which to eat a plate full of baked beans

and deflate a number of whoopee cushions

without making a single sound.

Who's going to pick? Rudi. Right. Here we go.

Could you bring the coloured gobstoppers in, Britney?

Lovely, Rudi. Don't peek!

Oh, oh! You've picked yourself!

Oh, oh, that's wonderful!

Right. Wonderful. There's your lunch, dear,

your spoon. So I want to see this plate clean.

All right, then?

-Are you ready?

-No.

-Your 30 seconds of silence starts now.

PFFFRRRPPPTTT!

Oh, Mollie laughing there.

More laughing and giggling.

Armani trying to control them.

PFFFRRRPPPTTT!

They're settling down a little.

-Even Rudi's holding in the giggles.

-Well, that's it.

-Time's up.

-Eugh!

And you've managed to deflate all the cushions, but not very silently.

Still room for improvement. What's next?

Human pizza.

Now, you will have 30 seconds

to build a pizza on your chosen team-mate's head.

Armani, do you want to pick this one?

Who's it going to be?

Woo!

Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, Mollie, are you looking forward to a new hairdo?

-No.

-No? Ah, ah, ah.

Most of our pizza toppings are fish-based.

We've got tuna and anchovies.

Olives. Now, come on! Do you like fish?

-Yes, but not anchovies.

-A rather delicate aroma there, isn't it?

Could be a new perfume as well as a new hairdo.

Your 30 seconds of absolute silence, Rudi,

starts now.

Oh, God! Oh, oh! God!

Oh, a lot of noise there.

Go on, Armani! Go on.

-Revenge!

-Oh, yes!

And lots of talking too. Nicola trying to hush them.

You know you want to, Armani!

SQUEALING

This lot just can't be quiet!

Aye aye aye ya!

Three seconds left. And more noise.

-BELL RINGS

-We're out of time,

Armani. Well done.

Oh, don't you look a picture? Are you hungry?

I must tell you, I'm really concerned about you lot.

You have been making an awful lot of noise, haven't you, Nicola?

I hope you do better for Miss Bunsen in the science class this afternoon,

and cut down the noise, dears!

BELL RINGS

Off you go - all right? Quickly, quietly.

I admire Armani's dedication to silence.

Such a shame that the others don't feel the same.

Why are you waiting on me?

OK. So you had the silent trump and the human pizza.

How did silent trump go, Nicola?

Not very well because Rudi,

he was trying so hard not to laugh, and his face just made us all laugh.

-Rudi, how was it for you, that test?

-Terrible.

-Armani,

do you have anything to say to Mollie about the human pizza?

I'm not going to say sorry...

So do you think you can stay a little bit quiet?

-Maybe.

-Are you going to try? Rudi, are you going to try?

-Yeah.

-OK. Miss Bunsen awaits you in the science lab. Good luck.

Attention.

Attention. This is the School of Silence.

Could everyone try not to breathe all at the same time?

Wait your turn. I can barely hear myself think!

Time for their last class of the day before their final exam.

It's silent science training with Miss Bunsen.

Oh, oh, here they are. Come in.

Come in. Oh, hello, Rudi. Come in. Come in, Armani.

Hello, Nicola, Mollie. Come on. Come on.

NOW, my name is Miss Bunsen, and I am your science teacher.

Now, I must impress upon you the importance of silence in science.

Now, we're going to be conducting two experiments today -

all in complete silence -

your final bit of training before your final exam.

What's Miss Bunsen got in store for them?

The first game is called Levitation.

Now, one of you has to sit on a balloon

while the other person pumps up the balloon,

thus thrusting someone into the air.

Rudi, you can pick first.

Who's it going to be?

Who is it? Who is it?

-Is it you, Mollie?

-Unfortunately.

Mollie again! Unlucky!

Now, then, remember, absolute silence.

Your 30 seconds starts...

now! (Pump it!)

A little squeal there.

And a little giggle.

But, otherwise, much quieter.

Oh!

What a din!

-Yes!

-That was quick, Rudi.

What a lot of pumping! Oh, well done! Well done!

Oh, well, I never!

Not sure about the silence, though,

boys and girls - heard a lot of giggling during that.

Now, I hope you can keep a bit more quiet. Shh. Shh, shh.

-Very good.

-Time for one more and then the final exam.

You are going to be my guinea pigs

because I have invented something new, something radical.

I have found a niche in the market, boys and girls.

It's called the human car wash!

Now, Nicola, you're going to be picking this one.

-SQUEALING

-Oh, no! It's Mollie again.

Mollie, oh, dear.

You seem to be jinxed.

Now, you must be quick doing this.

You only have 30 seconds, and remember,

it has to be done in complete silence.

The human car...

Was that a giggle?

Remember, you're being monitored by Miss Gobstop constantly. Right.

This is your last chance before the final exam.

Let's see if you can do it!

Ready?

30 seconds now - starting from...NOW!

-Oops. Some noise there.

-RUDI:

-Oh!

Oh, no. Rudi shouting again.

Careful, Nicola!

And some talking.

Oh, yes, Nicola. You go, Nicola!

-Still SO much noise from Rudi.

-Oh, there's the wax!

But everyone else is staying silent.

Ahh! Argh!

-Yes!

-Nearly time.

-Oh! Oh!

-Time. That's it. That's it.

That's it. Oh, look at the mess.

-Mollie, Mollie, come over here.

-Oh, dear.

Well, that hasn't worked at all.

I'll have to go back to the drawing board. Rudi, honestly,

you're so noisy. Colonel Kittens will not put up with that behaviour.

And, Armani, I heard you giggling as well.

-BELL RINGS

-You can leave the class.

Off you go. Good luck.

Hey!

Yeah!

What? I can't take any more of Rudi!

Right, then, science class - Miss Bunsen - how did it go, Mollie?

Funny.

Did you manage to stay silent there?

-Not really.

-But you are trying hard, though,

to stay silent. It's not easy but you're doing well.

But, of course, if we come to the end of the table,

-you're not finding it easy at all, are you, to stay quiet?

-No.

You can hear it building. It gets bigger.

To win, you've got pass the final exam with Colonel Kittens.

He's strict. Can you do it?

YES, WE CAN!

Attention, attention!

This is the School of Silence.

Would all pupils attending this evening's bell-ringing class

please leave their bells at reception?

They've had their three classes,

and now it's time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test to graduate

and win the Golden Gobstopper. They must keep THAT shut.

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times, they will be expelled!

Well, their silent training's all been building up to this,

their final exam with Colonel Kittens.

Right, you disgusting little creatures, I'm Colonel Kittens!

And it is my job to make you crack

and, believe you me, you most likely will.

This is your final exam!

It is very simple - just like you.

Rudi, do you think you'll be able to do it,

-to keep your little mouth shut?

-Yes, sir.

"Yes, sir"? Good grief, boy!

We have trained you well. I heard you've been laughing all day!

These are the instruments of your demise -

various items and appendages, some stuff

and some more stuff. Right!

I shall be throwing all of it -

at you. Believe you me,

I will spare you nothing.

Are you ready to suffer in silence?

-ALL:

-Yes, Colonel.

That'll do.

So your time starts...

-NOW!

-The Colonel's gone straight for the feather duster

and straight to the face.

Everyone's staying pretty quiet, though. Oh, no, Rudi! Will he?

Will he?

Yes, he did. That's a loud giggle.

Surely that has set off the Gobstop 2000.

Here we go with the gunk ladle.

Look at the concentration - such control - well done.

Not a sound.

You can see Rudi trying to hold in the giggles.

Oh, no. The Colonel's gone for it. Surely?

No. He stayed silent. Well done.

A bit more gunge here.

Very quiet giggles, but they can still be heard.

A gasp from Mollie.

Oh, confetti.

Yeah, that set them off!

RUDI COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Some more laughing from Rudi.

-You!

-And he's talking now. Surely that's set off the Gobstop 2000.

Oh, no! It couldn't get any worse -

the gunge chicken is pulled out.

Yeah, lots of giggling there.

Not looking good for the team so far.

The Colonel gives Rudi the chicken.

He shakes it in frustration. He wants to be able to giggle,

and he throws it away.

Lots of giggles there.

Just a few seconds left. Oh, no. The snow.

TIMER RINGS

Right! Time's up.

You did very well, I think,

considering... considering what you've got.

Is your head normally blue, boy?

How do you think you all did? Mollie?

-..Sorry?

-Good.

-Good.

-You can speak now. It's over.

-Good.

-Good?!

I think I heard you sniggering. What about you, Armani?

-I think I did pretty well.

-You might've done.

I like the glittery look on your head.

You should probably take that home with you.

And you, dear? Look at that - smashing!

You look ridiculous, lad.

So do you.

-How would you know? You can't see?

-I can see!

Well...I wonder how you did do.

-Shall we find out?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Get out of my gym!

-You still here, though?

-Yeah.

So that was the final exam with Colonel Kittens. How did it go?

-ALL: Terrible!

-Really?

It was hard when he poured the paint on us without making any noise.

-Did you not think you were noisy?

-You were!

-You were!

Well, do you think you were noisy three times?

-No.

-Because you were quiet to start off with.

-I sniggered.

You might get away with sniggering.

-If you graduate, you win the Golden Gobstopper, yeah?

-Yeah.

-You excited about that?

-ALL: Yeah.

OK. Well, you're about to find out. Miss Gobstop's waiting for you.

(Good luck.)

So how did they do in their final exam?

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Enter.

Quickly.

Awful smell.

Ew!

You were sent here because you're all terribly noisy.

RUDI GIGGLES

And I put you through rigorous training today,

and let's look at your reports.

Nicola, terrible giggler.

Did show some self-control, but mostly rubbish.

Armani,

quite promising.

A little silliness in Mr Gross's class...

but overall you're a cool operator.

Stop!

Mollie,

very unlucky girl. How many tests have you done?

Did they work?

Not much. Not much.

Rudi,

your training has been a nightmare!

Stand up straight. You nearly broke the Gobstop 2000.

That laugh is like a hysterical hyena.

Nothing to be proud of, Rudi.

Your final exam,

it all started well,

quite promising.

-So did you pass...

-No.

-..and graduate?

No? Yes? Yes!

I can now reveal...

You...

will be EXPELLED!

You set off the Gobstop 2000 three times.

Let's see those three strikes.

-BEEP!

-That's Rudi.

-BEEP!

-Another one from Rudi.

You!

-BEEP!

-And Rudi again.

Now, I won't be giving you the Golden Gobstopper.

You will receive this.

-Take it.

-Yey!

Take it.

Take it.

Take it.

Now get out.

OUT!

Get out! You're far too noisy for my school.

Quickly. Chop-chop. Keep it going.

LAUGHTER

And you! You're the worst. Get out, Barney.

Shut the door behind you.

Quietly!