Episode 11 School of Silence


Episode 11

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Transcript


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Welcome to the School Of Silence. This is where the noisiest children

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in the country are sent for intensive silent training.

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Today, four new pupils have what it takes to stay completely silent.

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This noisy bunch are from Leeds and are having their noise levels

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assessed by the headmistress and the form tutor.

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-Come to the front.

-Come closer.

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-Right, you, name?

-Nicola!

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Nicola says she is silly all the time

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and is always chuckling and giggling.

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-Next.

-Armani!

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Armani is well-known in his class,

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as he gives them all earache from shouting so loudly.

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-Next?

-Rudi!

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Rudi's favourite thing is shouting and screaming loudly.

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He is renowned for his belly laughter.

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Better watch this one.

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Next?

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-Mollie!

-Mollie's older brothers are fed up with her screaming

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and shouting, so she makes number four in this rowdy team from Leeds.

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The teachers at the School Of Silence have their work cut out.

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That's enough, get out.

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THEY SHOUT AND BAWL

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Ssh! Here is how the day works,

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the new pupils have three challenging classes

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to learn how to be silent. Followed by the crucial final exam

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which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

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If they are too noisy...

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..I will know about it thanks to this device - the Gobstop 2000.

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The latest in noise monitoring technology.

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If they pass, they will graduate and receive the ultimate reward -

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the Golden Gobstopper.

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If they fail to keep THAT shut,

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then I will have no choice but to expel them.

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But before we begin....

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I must ensure that school has been hushed down.

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Seven seconds to hush-down.

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Seven...

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Six...

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Five...

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Four...

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Three...

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Two...

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One...

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Ssssssh!

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CRACK!

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It's time for their silent training to start

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with their first class with Mr Gross.

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Sssssh! Oh, good grief. Come in.

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Sit down, quickly, please. Into your seats.

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-Quicker. Quicker.

-BELL RINGS

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I am Mr Gross, your teacher for General Studies.

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Silence, please. Hush, please. You will be for the high jump.

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This is the first lesson

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in your silent training which must be done in absolute silence.

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This jar of gobstoppers will determine which child

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is doing each lesson.

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And remember,

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Miss Gobstop is always listening on those microphones.

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Yes, those microphones there, there and there.

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And up here, you will see the monitor for her Gobstop 2000.

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The Gobstop 2000 will go off every time you make too much noise.

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So, let's get on with your training.

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-What's up first?

-It's called maggot hold.

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Now, I don't think this needs a lot of describing, frankly.

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You are going to hold some maggots and you're going to have do it

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in silence for 30 seconds.

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Let's find out who's going to be the unlucky one. Armani.

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Would you like to pick, young man?

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Oh, well, what a shame.

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Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

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I had a feeling you would like that, Rudi.

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I shall fetch my favourite friends in the whole world,

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William, Tony, Geoffrey, Margaret...

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Take those, hold them gently.

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Remember, it is very important

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that you stay silent throughout this entire task.

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Armani, you will pour the maggots when I tell you.

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Once they're in your hand, I'll give the signal and the time will start.

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30 seconds. I doubt you will manage two.

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-Are you ready?

-No.

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Hold your hands tightly together. Pour the maggots!

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No! No! No! No!

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Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh!

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Your time starts - now.

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This is a tough start to their silent training,

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Rudi has a reputation for his laugh.

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RUDI CACKLES

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And there it is. That's just too loud.

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Oh, oh, oh! Oh. Oh...

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It's not looking good at all.

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Give it up...

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Nearly there.

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He'll have to wash his hands after this.

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-No! Help!

-TIMER RINGS

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Time's up! Put them down.

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I give up. I really do.

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A noisy start, but what's next?

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Gunge boot.

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You will have 30 seconds to put your chosen team-mate

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into a pair of gungey Wellington boots.

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Then they must parade around in front of you all,

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and this must be done in absolute silence.

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Let's find out who's going to be doing it.

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Nicola, which colour will it be?

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Have a little pick.

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White! Mollie.

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Mollie, you're going to get the gunge boot, dear.

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-How do you feel about that?

-I don't know.

-"I don't know!"

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RUDI CACKLES

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Oh, good grief! He's off.

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One pair of Wellington boots,

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two jugs of lovely gunk.

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What you'll be doing is pouring the gunk in the Wellington boots.

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You, Mollie, will put them on,

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and by all means have a little jump up and down,

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whatever you silly little children do in the playground,

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do it in the boot.

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Are you ready?

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Your 30 seconds starts...

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now!

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Oh!

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A bit of noise there.

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Eurgh!

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A lot of noise from Rudi

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and from Mollie.

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-Go!

-Talking from Rudi!

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GIGGLING

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And loud laughing now.

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Lots of noise here!

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They're going to need a lot of silent training.

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-TIMER RINGS

-Time's up.

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Sit down, Mollie.

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How did that feel, Mollie?

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-Disgusting.

-Disgusting?

-Yeah.

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Oh, dear. What's next?

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Ice slush...

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...mush.

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Mollie, you will be pouring

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a jug of slush down the back of your chosen team-mate.

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Have a dig around in there.

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-Blue.

-Armani, you have been sitting there quite quietly,

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haven't you? Very good. Let's see if you can keep quiet

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under pressure, and remember, this must be done in absolute silence!

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If Miss Gobstop's Gobstop 2000 goes off,

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then you've made too much noise,

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and that goes for everyone.

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Right. Let's get the lovely slush.

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Lovely slushy, mushy.

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Ahh! It's freezing.

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You're going to enjoy this.

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You have 30 seconds to pour it ALL down.

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Your time starts...now.

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-LAUGHTER

-Some laughing there.

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Ah. It's Rudi again.

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Keep it in, Nicola.

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Lots of noise, but Armani's staying silent.

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-RUDI:

-Oh, oh, oh!

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Despite all the noise around him,

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Armani's still doing really, really well.

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It's Rudi making most of the noise again.

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Just a few seconds.

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-TIMER RINGS

-Stop! Stop, please.

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Mercy! I beg of you, give me that!

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Go and sit down, Mollie.

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This does not bode well for your final exam.

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It doesn't! This alarm went off several times. The Gobstop 2000

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has never heard such noise.

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Right. Stand up. Get back to your seat, Armani.

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Class, there's no more time, and I have to say, thank goodness for that

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because you are without doubt

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the worst children I've had since the last lot of children.

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BELL RINGS

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Get OUT of my classroom!

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Rudi? Rudi?

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Why is he at MY school?

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Why Rudi?

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Dreadful boy! Ugh!

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Rudi, what's going on? Are you finding it hilarious?

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-Yeah!

-Do you think that by the end of it Rudi will be silent?

-ALL: No!

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Nicola, you filled Mollie's boots with gunge. You enjoyed that?

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-Yes.

-Was it easy to stay silent while you were doing it?

-No.

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Your next test is in the canteen. You'll meet Nora and Britney.

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-Britney's cool. You'll love her. You ready?

-Yes!

-All right then.

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Attention. Attention!

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This is the School of Silence.

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The new school hymn is Silent Night.

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Please practise it - quietly!

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So after a noisy start to the day,

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I think this lot need some more silent training.

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Cooee! It's lunch time!

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Ho, ho, ho! Well, hello. My name is Mrs Nora Nugget.

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Welcome to my kitchen.

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And this is my lovely assistant, Britney Biscuit.

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As part of your silent training, you have been sent here today,

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and we are going to feed you some of our fancy foods from the menu.

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You do know that Miss Gobstop can hear every sound you make.

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That includes your rather infectious laugh, young man, all right?

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I'd like to see you all graduate at the end of the day.

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Will they be able to stay silent for this one?

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So the first item on our menu today is the silent trump. You will have

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30 seconds in which to eat a plate full of baked beans

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and deflate a number of whoopee cushions

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without making a single sound.

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Who's going to pick? Rudi. Right. Here we go.

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Could you bring the coloured gobstoppers in, Britney?

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Lovely, Rudi. Don't peek!

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Oh, oh! You've picked yourself!

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Oh, oh, that's wonderful!

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Right. Wonderful. There's your lunch, dear,

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your spoon. So I want to see this plate clean.

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All right, then?

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-Are you ready?

-No.

-Your 30 seconds of silence starts now.

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PFFFRRRPPPTTT!

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Oh, Mollie laughing there.

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More laughing and giggling.

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Armani trying to control them.

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PFFFRRRPPPTTT!

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They're settling down a little.

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-Even Rudi's holding in the giggles.

-Well, that's it.

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-Time's up.

-Eugh!

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And you've managed to deflate all the cushions, but not very silently.

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Still room for improvement. What's next?

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Human pizza.

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Now, you will have 30 seconds

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to build a pizza on your chosen team-mate's head.

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Armani, do you want to pick this one?

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Who's it going to be?

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Woo!

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Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, Mollie, are you looking forward to a new hairdo?

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-No.

-No? Ah, ah, ah.

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Most of our pizza toppings are fish-based.

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We've got tuna and anchovies.

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Olives. Now, come on! Do you like fish?

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-Yes, but not anchovies.

-A rather delicate aroma there, isn't it?

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Could be a new perfume as well as a new hairdo.

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Your 30 seconds of absolute silence, Rudi,

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starts now.

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Oh, God! Oh, oh! God!

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Oh, a lot of noise there.

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Go on, Armani! Go on.

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-Revenge!

-Oh, yes!

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And lots of talking too. Nicola trying to hush them.

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You know you want to, Armani!

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SQUEALING

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This lot just can't be quiet!

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Aye aye aye ya!

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Three seconds left. And more noise.

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-BELL RINGS

-We're out of time,

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Armani. Well done.

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Oh, don't you look a picture? Are you hungry?

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I must tell you, I'm really concerned about you lot.

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You have been making an awful lot of noise, haven't you, Nicola?

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I hope you do better for Miss Bunsen in the science class this afternoon,

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and cut down the noise, dears!

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BELL RINGS

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Off you go - all right? Quickly, quietly.

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I admire Armani's dedication to silence.

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Such a shame that the others don't feel the same.

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Why are you waiting on me?

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OK. So you had the silent trump and the human pizza.

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How did silent trump go, Nicola?

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Not very well because Rudi,

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he was trying so hard not to laugh, and his face just made us all laugh.

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-Rudi, how was it for you, that test?

-Terrible.

-Armani,

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do you have anything to say to Mollie about the human pizza?

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I'm not going to say sorry...

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So do you think you can stay a little bit quiet?

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-Maybe.

-Are you going to try? Rudi, are you going to try?

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-Yeah.

-OK. Miss Bunsen awaits you in the science lab. Good luck.

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Attention.

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Attention. This is the School of Silence.

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Could everyone try not to breathe all at the same time?

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Wait your turn. I can barely hear myself think!

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Time for their last class of the day before their final exam.

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It's silent science training with Miss Bunsen.

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Oh, oh, here they are. Come in.

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Come in. Oh, hello, Rudi. Come in. Come in, Armani.

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Hello, Nicola, Mollie. Come on. Come on.

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NOW, my name is Miss Bunsen, and I am your science teacher.

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Now, I must impress upon you the importance of silence in science.

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Now, we're going to be conducting two experiments today -

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all in complete silence -

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your final bit of training before your final exam.

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What's Miss Bunsen got in store for them?

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The first game is called Levitation.

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Now, one of you has to sit on a balloon

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while the other person pumps up the balloon,

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thus thrusting someone into the air.

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Rudi, you can pick first.

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Who's it going to be?

0:16:050:16:08

Who is it? Who is it?

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-Is it you, Mollie?

-Unfortunately.

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Mollie again! Unlucky!

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Now, then, remember, absolute silence.

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Your 30 seconds starts...

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now! (Pump it!)

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A little squeal there.

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And a little giggle.

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But, otherwise, much quieter.

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Oh!

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What a din!

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-Yes!

-That was quick, Rudi.

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What a lot of pumping! Oh, well done! Well done!

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Oh, well, I never!

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Not sure about the silence, though,

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boys and girls - heard a lot of giggling during that.

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Now, I hope you can keep a bit more quiet. Shh. Shh, shh.

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-Very good.

-Time for one more and then the final exam.

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You are going to be my guinea pigs

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because I have invented something new, something radical.

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I have found a niche in the market, boys and girls.

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It's called the human car wash!

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Now, Nicola, you're going to be picking this one.

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-SQUEALING

-Oh, no! It's Mollie again.

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Mollie, oh, dear.

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You seem to be jinxed.

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Now, you must be quick doing this.

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You only have 30 seconds, and remember,

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it has to be done in complete silence.

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The human car...

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Was that a giggle?

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Remember, you're being monitored by Miss Gobstop constantly. Right.

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This is your last chance before the final exam.

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Let's see if you can do it!

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Ready?

0:18:000:18:02

30 seconds now - starting from...NOW!

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-Oops. Some noise there.

-RUDI:

-Oh!

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Oh, no. Rudi shouting again.

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Careful, Nicola!

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And some talking.

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Oh, yes, Nicola. You go, Nicola!

0:18:180:18:20

-Still SO much noise from Rudi.

-Oh, there's the wax!

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But everyone else is staying silent.

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Ahh! Argh!

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-Yes!

-Nearly time.

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-Oh! Oh!

-Time. That's it. That's it.

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That's it. Oh, look at the mess.

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-Mollie, Mollie, come over here.

-Oh, dear.

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Well, that hasn't worked at all.

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I'll have to go back to the drawing board. Rudi, honestly,

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you're so noisy. Colonel Kittens will not put up with that behaviour.

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And, Armani, I heard you giggling as well.

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-BELL RINGS

-You can leave the class.

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Off you go. Good luck.

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Hey!

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Yeah!

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What? I can't take any more of Rudi!

0:19:050:19:09

Right, then, science class - Miss Bunsen - how did it go, Mollie?

0:19:120:19:15

Funny.

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Did you manage to stay silent there?

0:19:170:19:19

-Not really.

-But you are trying hard, though,

0:19:190:19:21

to stay silent. It's not easy but you're doing well.

0:19:210:19:24

But, of course, if we come to the end of the table,

0:19:240:19:27

-you're not finding it easy at all, are you, to stay quiet?

-No.

0:19:270:19:31

You can hear it building. It gets bigger.

0:19:340:19:37

To win, you've got pass the final exam with Colonel Kittens.

0:19:370:19:40

He's strict. Can you do it?

0:19:400:19:42

YES, WE CAN!

0:19:420:19:44

Attention, attention!

0:19:480:19:49

This is the School of Silence.

0:19:490:19:51

Would all pupils attending this evening's bell-ringing class

0:19:510:19:56

please leave their bells at reception?

0:19:560:19:58

They've had their three classes,

0:19:580:20:00

and now it's time for their final exam.

0:20:000:20:02

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test to graduate

0:20:020:20:06

and win the Golden Gobstopper. They must keep THAT shut.

0:20:060:20:10

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times, they will be expelled!

0:20:100:20:15

Well, their silent training's all been building up to this,

0:20:150:20:19

their final exam with Colonel Kittens.

0:20:190:20:22

Right, you disgusting little creatures, I'm Colonel Kittens!

0:20:220:20:28

And it is my job to make you crack

0:20:280:20:32

and, believe you me, you most likely will.

0:20:320:20:38

This is your final exam!

0:20:380:20:41

It is very simple - just like you.

0:20:410:20:44

Rudi, do you think you'll be able to do it,

0:20:460:20:50

-to keep your little mouth shut?

-Yes, sir.

0:20:500:20:52

"Yes, sir"? Good grief, boy!

0:20:520:20:55

We have trained you well. I heard you've been laughing all day!

0:20:550:20:59

These are the instruments of your demise -

0:21:000:21:03

various items and appendages, some stuff

0:21:030:21:06

and some more stuff. Right!

0:21:060:21:09

I shall be throwing all of it -

0:21:090:21:11

at you. Believe you me,

0:21:110:21:13

I will spare you nothing.

0:21:130:21:16

Are you ready to suffer in silence?

0:21:160:21:19

-ALL:

-Yes, Colonel.

0:21:190:21:20

That'll do.

0:21:200:21:22

So your time starts...

0:21:220:21:26

-NOW!

-The Colonel's gone straight for the feather duster

0:21:270:21:30

and straight to the face.

0:21:300:21:32

Everyone's staying pretty quiet, though. Oh, no, Rudi! Will he?

0:21:320:21:36

Will he?

0:21:360:21:37

Yes, he did. That's a loud giggle.

0:21:380:21:40

Surely that has set off the Gobstop 2000.

0:21:400:21:42

Here we go with the gunk ladle.

0:21:420:21:46

Look at the concentration - such control - well done.

0:21:460:21:50

Not a sound.

0:21:500:21:52

You can see Rudi trying to hold in the giggles.

0:21:540:21:57

Oh, no. The Colonel's gone for it. Surely?

0:21:570:21:59

No. He stayed silent. Well done.

0:21:590:22:02

A bit more gunge here.

0:22:020:22:05

Very quiet giggles, but they can still be heard.

0:22:050:22:09

A gasp from Mollie.

0:22:090:22:12

Oh, confetti.

0:22:120:22:14

Yeah, that set them off!

0:22:140:22:16

RUDI COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

0:22:200:22:22

Some more laughing from Rudi.

0:22:220:22:24

-You!

-And he's talking now. Surely that's set off the Gobstop 2000.

0:22:240:22:28

Oh, no! It couldn't get any worse -

0:22:280:22:30

the gunge chicken is pulled out.

0:22:300:22:31

Yeah, lots of giggling there.

0:22:370:22:39

Not looking good for the team so far.

0:22:390:22:41

The Colonel gives Rudi the chicken.

0:22:410:22:45

He shakes it in frustration. He wants to be able to giggle,

0:22:450:22:47

and he throws it away.

0:22:470:22:49

Lots of giggles there.

0:22:510:22:54

Just a few seconds left. Oh, no. The snow.

0:22:540:22:56

TIMER RINGS

0:22:560:22:58

Right! Time's up.

0:22:580:23:00

You did very well, I think,

0:23:000:23:01

considering... considering what you've got.

0:23:010:23:04

Is your head normally blue, boy?

0:23:040:23:06

How do you think you all did? Mollie?

0:23:060:23:08

-..Sorry?

-Good.

-Good.

0:23:080:23:11

-You can speak now. It's over.

-Good.

-Good?!

0:23:110:23:14

I think I heard you sniggering. What about you, Armani?

0:23:140:23:16

-I think I did pretty well.

-You might've done.

0:23:160:23:19

I like the glittery look on your head.

0:23:190:23:21

You should probably take that home with you.

0:23:210:23:23

And you, dear? Look at that - smashing!

0:23:230:23:25

You look ridiculous, lad.

0:23:250:23:27

So do you.

0:23:270:23:29

-How would you know? You can't see?

-I can see!

0:23:290:23:32

Well...I wonder how you did do.

0:23:320:23:36

-Shall we find out?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Get out of my gym!

0:23:360:23:41

-You still here, though?

-Yeah.

0:23:420:23:44

So that was the final exam with Colonel Kittens. How did it go?

0:23:460:23:49

-ALL: Terrible!

-Really?

0:23:490:23:51

It was hard when he poured the paint on us without making any noise.

0:23:510:23:55

-Did you not think you were noisy?

-You were!

-You were!

0:23:550:23:58

Well, do you think you were noisy three times?

0:23:580:24:00

-No.

-Because you were quiet to start off with.

-I sniggered.

0:24:000:24:03

You might get away with sniggering.

0:24:030:24:06

-If you graduate, you win the Golden Gobstopper, yeah?

-Yeah.

0:24:060:24:08

-You excited about that?

-ALL: Yeah.

0:24:080:24:10

OK. Well, you're about to find out. Miss Gobstop's waiting for you.

0:24:100:24:13

(Good luck.)

0:24:130:24:15

So how did they do in their final exam?

0:24:150:24:18

KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:24:180:24:20

Enter.

0:24:200:24:22

Quickly.

0:24:250:24:27

Awful smell.

0:24:310:24:33

Ew!

0:24:330:24:35

You were sent here because you're all terribly noisy.

0:24:350:24:39

RUDI GIGGLES

0:24:390:24:41

And I put you through rigorous training today,

0:24:410:24:45

and let's look at your reports.

0:24:450:24:47

Nicola, terrible giggler.

0:24:490:24:52

Did show some self-control, but mostly rubbish.

0:24:590:25:05

Armani,

0:25:050:25:07

quite promising.

0:25:070:25:10

A little silliness in Mr Gross's class...

0:25:100:25:14

but overall you're a cool operator.

0:25:140:25:17

Stop!

0:25:170:25:19

Mollie,

0:25:230:25:25

very unlucky girl. How many tests have you done?

0:25:250:25:30

Did they work?

0:25:400:25:42

Not much. Not much.

0:25:420:25:44

Rudi,

0:25:440:25:47

your training has been a nightmare!

0:25:470:25:50

Stand up straight. You nearly broke the Gobstop 2000.

0:25:590:26:02

That laugh is like a hysterical hyena.

0:26:050:26:09

Nothing to be proud of, Rudi.

0:26:110:26:13

Your final exam,

0:26:140:26:16

it all started well,

0:26:160:26:18

quite promising.

0:26:180:26:19

-So did you pass...

-No.

-..and graduate?

0:26:210:26:25

No? Yes? Yes!

0:26:250:26:28

I can now reveal...

0:26:280:26:30

You...

0:26:320:26:35

will be EXPELLED!

0:26:350:26:37

You set off the Gobstop 2000 three times.

0:26:390:26:43

Let's see those three strikes.

0:26:430:26:45

-BEEP!

-That's Rudi.

0:26:470:26:49

-BEEP!

-Another one from Rudi.

0:26:510:26:53

You!

0:26:530:26:54

-BEEP!

-And Rudi again.

0:26:540:26:56

Now, I won't be giving you the Golden Gobstopper.

0:26:560:27:00

You will receive this.

0:27:000:27:02

-Take it.

-Yey!

0:27:030:27:05

Take it.

0:27:070:27:08

Take it.

0:27:090:27:11

Take it.

0:27:130:27:14

Now get out.

0:27:140:27:17

OUT!

0:27:170:27:18

Get out! You're far too noisy for my school.

0:27:180:27:22

Quickly. Chop-chop. Keep it going.

0:27:220:27:25

LAUGHTER

0:27:250:27:27

And you! You're the worst. Get out, Barney.

0:27:280:27:31

Shut the door behind you.

0:27:310:27:34

Quietly!

0:27:340:27:35

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