Episode 13 School of Silence

BELL RINGS

Sssh!

Sssh!

Aaargh!

Sssh! BELL RINGS

Welcome to the School of Silence

where they send the noisiest children in the country

for intensive silent training.

Today, four new pupils step up to the mark

to prove they've got what it takes to stay completely silent.

Will they keep their mouths shut when the going gets rough?

It's time to find out.

This rabble are from Kent. What a racket!

They are currently being assessed by the headmistress and form tutor.

Come to the front.

Right, you, name.

Danika!

That's Danika. Apparently, her mum says she has a verbal diarrhoea.

Here, that's the worst kind of diarrhoea to have.

Name?

Bruce.

Bruce. He's often told off for being noisy and cheeky.

I'm not sure he'll get away with that here.

Next. You! Name?

Luke.

Luke is a keen footballer,

often heard screaming his lungs out on the pitch.

You, name?

Rory.

That's Rory. As his name suggests,

he also has a good set of lungs.

He can't play the guitar, but loves to have a good go,

as he creates lots of horrible noise.

It's a tough team, and with so much energy

it's hard to imagine this lot will ever stay quiet.

Right, get out. That's it. Yes, get out, all of you.

SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

Ssh! Here's how the day works. The new pupils have three

classes to learn how to be silent, followed by the crucial final exam,

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If they are too noisy...

..I will know about it.

Thanks to this device.

The Gobstop 2000, the latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass, they will graduate and receive the ultimate reward.

The Golden Gobstopper.

If they fail to keep that shut,

them I will have no choice but to expel them.

Now, before we begin, I must ensure the school has been hushed down.

HOOTER

Seven seconds to hush down.

Seven...

six....five...

four...three...

two...

..one...

Sssh!

CREAK!

It's time for their silent training to begin. First class, Mr Gross.

A rabbit doesn't make any noise. All it does

is twitch its stupid little nose and run around in a tiny cage.

-KNOCKING

-Yes, come in. Goodness.

-Hello.

Hello. Sit down, please. You're late.

It looks like you have very smelly feet.

Well, if you only had one pair of socks over a 40-year career,

you'd probably have smelly feet, so don't be insolent.

Right, I am Mr Gross, your teacher for general studies.

This is the first lesson in your silent training.

We will conduct a series of tests

which must be completed in absolute...

-Silence.

-Yes, well done, jolly good. Yes.

You might learn something today.

We will choose which child does each test

by selecting a gobstopper from the jar. Is that clear? Jolly good.

Remember, Miss Gobstopper will be listening at all times

via these microphones.

If you make too much noise, she will hear you on her Gobstop 2000.

This is important training for your final exam.

What will they face first?

What You Looking At?

Let's find out who's going to do the first challenge.

Bruce, why don't you pick a gobstopper?

Oh, what a shame.

You are going to be doing What You Looking At, which means

you'll have to stare at me for 30 seconds in absolute silence.

-Do you think you can do that?

-Yes.

-Let's find out, shall we?

-Are you ready, Bruce?

-Yes.

Your time...starts...

now.

This is quite intense.

Bruce is holding out.

What can Mr Gross do?

Pretend to blow his nose?

It worked. That got him.

-BELL RINGS

-Time up.

Well, Bruce was holding out

and then you cracked under pressure.

Easily done. Too much noise.

You must learn to be silent throughout all of the tests.

Training is bound to get harder.

Mr Gross, bin that tissue and get on with it. What's next?

Gunge...Boot.

Quite simply the chosen child must wear

a pair of boots filled with gunge.

Danika, would you like to pick a gobstopper from the jar?

Remember, it might even be you.

Wouldn't that be nice? In your own time.

Oh, Bruce, what a shame!

Pour in the first one. Lovely.

Look at the grease at the bottom.

I think that's from my ear wax.

It's certainly not chocolate.

My goodness.

Are you ready? Remember, Bruce, don't just sit there,

-stand up and give me a little jig, all right?

-OK.

-Jolly good.

Your time starts...now.

A bit of wincing there.

BRUCE LAUGHS

And Bruce is off again. Oh, no, it's all falling apart.

Have a dance.

You can't dance!

This isn't good.

-Time, stop. Does it feel horrible?

-Yes.

Yes, isn't that lovely?

Look at your disgusting feet, you horrible little child.

I hope you're pleased with yourselves.

You failed miserably once again.

The Gobstop 2000 went off repeatedly throughout that task,

-you hideous children!

-Just time for one more.

Slush Avalanche.

It means there will be an avalanche of slush

down the back of the chosen child.

You'll have 30 seconds to perform this task

whilst remaining absolutely silent.

Luke, you can pick, seeing as you've got such a big mouth.

I hope it's you.

Oh!

Isn't it funny how the cookie crumbles?

Stick your finger in.

You've got 30 seconds to take the slushy avalanche

down your back in absolute silence.

Your time starts...

now.

That's got to be cold!

Oh, dear, giggling from Luke.

Oh, hang on,

self-control at last.

The training is working.

Mr Gross raising the game a bit here, but...

no, still good.

BELL RINGS

Right, time up. Bruce, to be fair to you,

you actually managed to stay quite silent.

The rest of you were giggling like maniacs.

This sort of insolent behaviour

won't be tolerated by the other teachers in the School of Silence.

If you don't learn to keep it shut,

you will not win the golden gobstopper and you'll be expelled.

You're completely useless, get out of my classroom immediately.

-Off you go.

-BELL RINGS

CHATTERING

What a racket.

That was your first lesson with Mr Gross

and your first taste of silence training.

-How are you feeling, Bruce?

-Grossed out.

-A bit grossed out.

What grossed me out was him picking his nose.

He does that sometimes, that's why he's called Mr Gross.

But now concentrate on the canteen, OK?

Nora and Britney are waiting for you.

Don't forget, silent as you can, see you later.

TANNOY: Attention, attention, this is the School of Silence.

Please make all purchases from the school tuck shop online.

Coins are far too noisy.

Time now for more silent training in the canteen with Nora and Britney.

Cooee, it's lunch!

Britney, dear, this isn't a time to be taking an afternoon nap.

It's lunchtime. Look, we have children to feed.

-Hello, my dears, how are you?

-Hello.

-My name is Nora, Nora Nugget,

I'm the chief dinner lady here at the School of Silence.

This is my lovely assistant, Britney Biscuit.

Say hello to Britney, everyone.

So, you're here as part of your silent training, are you not?

-Yes.

-Good.

We're going to be feeding you some rather delicious dishes

from our very special menu this afternoon

to see if you can remain silent while we test you. All right?

What's up first?

Feed A Friend.

You will have 30 seconds to feed each other

with rather long spoons from a bowl of custard.

No, Britney, we don't need gobstoppers on this, dear.

They're all involved, you see. You have 30 seconds

to feed as much of that custard to your team-mates as you possibly can.

I'd like to see that bowl cleared.

Your 30 seconds of absolute silence starts now.

Some giggling and chuckling there.

This is meant to test them.

It's very tricky to keep quiet during this one.

They don't seem to be doing very well

and they're completely distracted.

-Come on!

-Miss Gobstop won't be pleased.

That is time.

I noticed the Gobstop 2000 going off a number of times.

I'm afraid you were giggling the whole way through

and look how much custard is left!

Oh, dear, next up.

This next test is called Mushy Pea Salon.

Your chosen team-mate, whoever that may be, could be any one of you,

will restyle your chosen team-mate's hair

with mushy peas and a few accessories -

some curlers and some little grips.

Who wants to pick the first gobstopper?

I think Rory.

Reach in. Who's it going to be?

Oh, it's Brucie!

-Bruce, do you like mushy peas?

-No.

Well, you could do with a new hairstyle.

Here are our accessories.

Are you ready?

Your 30 seconds, Rory, start from now.

Noise from Bruce.

Holding it well.

Oh, no, chuckling has started.

That's Rory and Bruce.

And they're losing it.

They're gaining control again.

That's time up. You set off the Gobstop 2000 a couple of times.

That wasn't the first time. After this poor performance,

I'm afraid it might be expulsion for you.

Bruce, you do look a picture.

I'd like to thank you all very much

for coming to see me in my kitchen today.

I wish you the very best of luck. Off you go now.

-Good hairstyle.

-Yeah, a brilliant hairstyle.

I don't like Bruce any more. Or Rory.

Or Danika and Luke.

Noisy!

That's the end of your lesson with Nora and Britney in the canteen.

-How do you think it's going?

-Bad.

-It's part of the silent training,

so the idea is to try and test you to see how silent you can be.

You've one more lesson for a few more tests -

a science lesson with Miss Bunsen.

-Will you be more silent?

-Yes.

-Will you go away with the golden gobstopper?

-Yes.

-Will you graduate from the School of Silence?

-Yes.

Good luck, get cleaned up, and we'll see you in there.

Good luck, guys. About time you got messy.

Attention, attention, this is the School of Silence.

Pupils are reminded that due to the banning of noisy tools in woodwork,

this term's project will be about paper folding...quietly.

The team from Kent now have their last class of the day

with the very potty Miss Bunsen.

How to bend the time-space continuum.

Any individual can, by closing your eyes and straining like thus.

-But not too hard.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Welcome, Rory, come in.

Danika, nice to meet you, Luke, hello.

Bruce. Come in, come in, nice to meet you all.

My name is Miss Bunsen.

I am the science teacher and I'm here to teach you science.

This is your last class before your final exam.

Hopefully, Miss Bunsen can turn this lot around.

Instant Snowman.

Who's giggling?

Ssh! For Instant Snowman, I have created

all-season snow.

I just need to test that we are able to make a snowman

from my all-season snow and that's where you come in handy.

Who shall be picking?

Luke, why don't you pick?

Who is it going to be?

Oh, dear, Luke, you've picked you.

Put it back in.

Wonderful.

Now, then, you have 30 seconds to complete this task

in complete silence.

Your time starts...

now.

There's definitely some laughter, but it's at a minimum.

It's getting louder.

Giggling from Danika.

Definitely quieter, but still a lot of chuckling.

Time! Timer! Time is up!

Time is up.

Right, let's have a look.

Before you melt completely, let's put on the finishing touches.

No Snowman is complete without a carrot nose and, of course, a hat.

Wonderful.

You managed to keep quite quiet.

Well done.

Can they crack it with this last challenge?

Turbo Takeoff.

This is one of my very, very,

very, very, very special inventions.

It involves one of you putting on a pack

made up of fizzy pop.

Then the other person who will be assisting will drop in

the turbocharged pellets which will send the other person zooming

into the stratosphere.

Let's have you, Rory.

Oh, Danika, it's you!

Let's just undo the bottle tops.

As you know,

all experiments are to be done in complete and utter silence.

Your 30 seconds of silence starts...

now!

Can they stay silent?

Stand back.

No, a big cry of laughter from Rory, I think.

Let's see that again.

Yeah, Danika is soaked.

She manages to keep pretty quiet,

but the cries from her team-mates make it a total wipe-out.

Danika, you are still here, aren't you?

Rory, what did you do wrong?

Laugh?

Laugh, that's exactly right. You laughed.

I cannot have noise in my laboratory.

Colonel Kittens will not put up with this noise.

Now, boys and girls, I suggest you get off to Colonel Kittens' lesson

because he won't put up with lateness. Off you go.

CHATTERING

Have they finished?

As a team, how do you think you've done?

That is now your silence training over.

Now it's the final exam with Colonel Kittens.

How do you feel? Do you think you've achieved that silent status?

I think we might have achieved it.

-The girl has, but the boys...

-We've underachieved.

Danika, whip them into shape. Your final exam with Colonel Kittens.

Don't keep the man waiting. He is very strict. Best of luck.

I think they'll do it.

Attention, attention.

Silence in the classroom, silence in the street.

The biggest twerp in the world is the next one to speak. Thank you.

Oh, God.

They've had their three classes. Now it's their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test.

To graduate and win the golden gobstopper they must keep that shut.

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times, they will be expelled!

It's now or never.

Has their training paid off?

It's time to find out as the team face their final exam

with Colonel Kittens.

Right...

you miserable little monsters.

I am Colonel Kittens.

It is my job to make you crack.

From what I've heard it's not going to be difficult,

seeing as you've been cracking up all afternoon.

And making an awful racket.

These are the items at my disposal.

You may not receive all of them, but you will receive most of them

and particularly the gooey ones. Does that sound nice?

-ALL: No, sir.

-Thank you very much.

If you make three noises that set off the Gobstop 2000,

you will be expelled.

If you manage to make less than that, and keep quiet,

then you will graduate.

Whoopee for you.

Are you ready to suffer in silence?

ALL: Yes, sir.

Your time...

starts...

..now!

OK, what's up first? The feather duster, a classic.

He's gone straight for the feet.

Those are the bits that are opposite the hands, very ticklish,

but not a peep from anybody.

A good start.

Oh, dear!

Yes, the blue splat, straight to the face.

It is not easy, this.

Still performing well.

A little whine from Danika there, I think.

And he's gone for the green gunk hat for Rory.

Good control.

What about now? The silly hat and sprinkles.

Not something you see every day.

They've handled it well. Oh, no, it's the fart machine.

FARTING

It very rarely fails.

FARTING

Yes, definitely some hearty, farty laughter.

Oh, it's the shaving foam.

Straight for Luke.

And Danika gets the comedy straw hairdo.

That is the Peach Slop.

What a mess!

Time is up! Well, how do you think you did?

-Good.

-Good?

I wouldn't necessarily call that good.

You look like a flaming ice-cream!

Look, you've even got shaving foam on your head after the exam.

Ridiculous. Where is Bruce?

I can't even see you, boy.

You are so covered in junk.

GIGGLING

There you go, son, have that on your bonce.

I've had enough of you lot. Get out!

Off...my...team!

You still here, boy?

There we have it, the remains of what was the final exam.

-Did you feel prepared when you went into it?

-Yes.

-How do you feel now you've come out the other side?

-Sticky.

-Apart from sticky.

Do you think, in that final exam, you made three noises

loud enough to set off the Gobstop?

-Maybe.

-Luke, expelled or graduated?

-Graduated.

-Danika?

-Graduated.

-Bruce.

-I don't know.

-Rory?

-Expelled.

OK, you are about to find out.

Miss Gobstopper is waiting for you right now. Best of luck. Off you go.

It's time to get the results of their final exam.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Quickly.

You were sent here today because you are all far too noisy.

I have put you through vigorous silent training.

Shall we take a look at your report?

Bruce, you obviously needed a lot of training today.

You got picked on many tasks.

Full of noise and cheek at the beginning of the day.

Then you got better.

Well done.

Danika, the only girl. A few cheeky giggles.

Rory, you are a cheeky, chatty chappie.

Not something I encourage in this school.

Luke, our little snowman.

Was it nice to be a snowman?

Quite the giggler, often at the misfortune of your team-mates.

But did you control your laughter in the final?

How do you think you did?

-Quite good.

-Quite good, Danika.

-Quite good.

-You are very quiet now, aren't you?

For four very loud pupils throughout the day.

Will you win the golden gobstopper?

Was that a yes, Danika?

Shall I tell you?

You will be expelled.

You set off my Gobstop 2000 three times.

That's a shame. Three times. Let's see who set it off.

Danika, that's one.

Bruce, two.

And Danika again. That makes three.

During the final exam my ears were ringing.

Unfortunately, I won't be giving you the wonderful golden gobstopper.

You...receive this.

Take it.

Take it.

Take it.

Take it.

Colonel Kittens to the head's office, please.

Colonel Kittens.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Colonel Kittens reporting for duty, Headmistress.

Colonel, please remove these students from the premises.

Certainly, Miss Gobstop.

I will make sure they are expelled and they know it!

Yes. Sorry.

Get out of her office.

Quick march, move.

Colonel, you forgot one.

-Get out of here.

-Can I not...?

-Get out!

Sorry, sir.

GIGGLING

Now get out of here!