Episode 13 School of Silence


Episode 13

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BELL RINGS

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Sssh!

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Sssh!

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Aaargh!

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Sssh! BELL RINGS

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Welcome to the School of Silence

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where they send the noisiest children in the country

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for intensive silent training.

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Today, four new pupils step up to the mark

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to prove they've got what it takes to stay completely silent.

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Will they keep their mouths shut when the going gets rough?

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It's time to find out.

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This rabble are from Kent. What a racket!

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They are currently being assessed by the headmistress and form tutor.

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Come to the front.

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Right, you, name.

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Danika!

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That's Danika. Apparently, her mum says she has a verbal diarrhoea.

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Here, that's the worst kind of diarrhoea to have.

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Name?

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Bruce.

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Bruce. He's often told off for being noisy and cheeky.

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I'm not sure he'll get away with that here.

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Next. You! Name?

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Luke.

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Luke is a keen footballer,

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often heard screaming his lungs out on the pitch.

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You, name?

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Rory.

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That's Rory. As his name suggests,

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he also has a good set of lungs.

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He can't play the guitar, but loves to have a good go,

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as he creates lots of horrible noise.

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It's a tough team, and with so much energy

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it's hard to imagine this lot will ever stay quiet.

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Right, get out. That's it. Yes, get out, all of you.

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SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

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Ssh! Here's how the day works. The new pupils have three

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classes to learn how to be silent, followed by the crucial final exam,

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which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

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If they are too noisy...

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..I will know about it.

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Thanks to this device.

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The Gobstop 2000, the latest in noise-monitoring technology.

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If they pass, they will graduate and receive the ultimate reward.

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The Golden Gobstopper.

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If they fail to keep that shut,

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them I will have no choice but to expel them.

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Now, before we begin, I must ensure the school has been hushed down.

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HOOTER

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Seven seconds to hush down.

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Seven...

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six....five...

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four...three...

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two...

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..one...

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Sssh!

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CREAK!

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It's time for their silent training to begin. First class, Mr Gross.

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A rabbit doesn't make any noise. All it does

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is twitch its stupid little nose and run around in a tiny cage.

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-KNOCKING

-Yes, come in. Goodness.

-Hello.

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Hello. Sit down, please. You're late.

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It looks like you have very smelly feet.

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Well, if you only had one pair of socks over a 40-year career,

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you'd probably have smelly feet, so don't be insolent.

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Right, I am Mr Gross, your teacher for general studies.

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This is the first lesson in your silent training.

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We will conduct a series of tests

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which must be completed in absolute...

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-Silence.

-Yes, well done, jolly good. Yes.

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You might learn something today.

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We will choose which child does each test

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by selecting a gobstopper from the jar. Is that clear? Jolly good.

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Remember, Miss Gobstopper will be listening at all times

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via these microphones.

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If you make too much noise, she will hear you on her Gobstop 2000.

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This is important training for your final exam.

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What will they face first?

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What You Looking At?

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Let's find out who's going to do the first challenge.

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Bruce, why don't you pick a gobstopper?

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Oh, what a shame.

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You are going to be doing What You Looking At, which means

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you'll have to stare at me for 30 seconds in absolute silence.

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-Do you think you can do that?

-Yes.

-Let's find out, shall we?

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-Are you ready, Bruce?

-Yes.

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Your time...starts...

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now.

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This is quite intense.

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Bruce is holding out.

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What can Mr Gross do?

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Pretend to blow his nose?

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It worked. That got him.

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-BELL RINGS

-Time up.

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Well, Bruce was holding out

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and then you cracked under pressure.

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Easily done. Too much noise.

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You must learn to be silent throughout all of the tests.

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Training is bound to get harder.

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Mr Gross, bin that tissue and get on with it. What's next?

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Gunge...Boot.

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Quite simply the chosen child must wear

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a pair of boots filled with gunge.

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Danika, would you like to pick a gobstopper from the jar?

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Remember, it might even be you.

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Wouldn't that be nice? In your own time.

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Oh, Bruce, what a shame!

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Pour in the first one. Lovely.

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Look at the grease at the bottom.

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I think that's from my ear wax.

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It's certainly not chocolate.

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My goodness.

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Are you ready? Remember, Bruce, don't just sit there,

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-stand up and give me a little jig, all right?

-OK.

-Jolly good.

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Your time starts...now.

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A bit of wincing there.

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BRUCE LAUGHS

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And Bruce is off again. Oh, no, it's all falling apart.

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Have a dance.

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You can't dance!

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This isn't good.

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-Time, stop. Does it feel horrible?

-Yes.

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Yes, isn't that lovely?

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Look at your disgusting feet, you horrible little child.

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I hope you're pleased with yourselves.

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You failed miserably once again.

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The Gobstop 2000 went off repeatedly throughout that task,

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-you hideous children!

-Just time for one more.

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Slush Avalanche.

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It means there will be an avalanche of slush

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down the back of the chosen child.

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You'll have 30 seconds to perform this task

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whilst remaining absolutely silent.

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Luke, you can pick, seeing as you've got such a big mouth.

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I hope it's you.

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Oh!

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Isn't it funny how the cookie crumbles?

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Stick your finger in.

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You've got 30 seconds to take the slushy avalanche

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down your back in absolute silence.

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Your time starts...

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now.

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That's got to be cold!

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Oh, dear, giggling from Luke.

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Oh, hang on,

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self-control at last.

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The training is working.

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Mr Gross raising the game a bit here, but...

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no, still good.

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BELL RINGS

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Right, time up. Bruce, to be fair to you,

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you actually managed to stay quite silent.

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The rest of you were giggling like maniacs.

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This sort of insolent behaviour

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won't be tolerated by the other teachers in the School of Silence.

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If you don't learn to keep it shut,

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you will not win the golden gobstopper and you'll be expelled.

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You're completely useless, get out of my classroom immediately.

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-Off you go.

-BELL RINGS

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CHATTERING

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What a racket.

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That was your first lesson with Mr Gross

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and your first taste of silence training.

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-How are you feeling, Bruce?

-Grossed out.

-A bit grossed out.

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What grossed me out was him picking his nose.

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He does that sometimes, that's why he's called Mr Gross.

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But now concentrate on the canteen, OK?

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Nora and Britney are waiting for you.

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Don't forget, silent as you can, see you later.

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TANNOY: Attention, attention, this is the School of Silence.

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Please make all purchases from the school tuck shop online.

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Coins are far too noisy.

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Time now for more silent training in the canteen with Nora and Britney.

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Cooee, it's lunch!

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Britney, dear, this isn't a time to be taking an afternoon nap.

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It's lunchtime. Look, we have children to feed.

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-Hello, my dears, how are you?

-Hello.

-My name is Nora, Nora Nugget,

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I'm the chief dinner lady here at the School of Silence.

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This is my lovely assistant, Britney Biscuit.

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Say hello to Britney, everyone.

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So, you're here as part of your silent training, are you not?

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-Yes.

-Good.

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We're going to be feeding you some rather delicious dishes

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from our very special menu this afternoon

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to see if you can remain silent while we test you. All right?

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What's up first?

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Feed A Friend.

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You will have 30 seconds to feed each other

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with rather long spoons from a bowl of custard.

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No, Britney, we don't need gobstoppers on this, dear.

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They're all involved, you see. You have 30 seconds

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to feed as much of that custard to your team-mates as you possibly can.

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I'd like to see that bowl cleared.

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Your 30 seconds of absolute silence starts now.

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Some giggling and chuckling there.

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This is meant to test them.

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It's very tricky to keep quiet during this one.

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They don't seem to be doing very well

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and they're completely distracted.

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-Come on!

-Miss Gobstop won't be pleased.

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That is time.

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I noticed the Gobstop 2000 going off a number of times.

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I'm afraid you were giggling the whole way through

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and look how much custard is left!

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Oh, dear, next up.

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This next test is called Mushy Pea Salon.

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Your chosen team-mate, whoever that may be, could be any one of you,

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will restyle your chosen team-mate's hair

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with mushy peas and a few accessories -

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some curlers and some little grips.

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Who wants to pick the first gobstopper?

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I think Rory.

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Reach in. Who's it going to be?

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Oh, it's Brucie!

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-Bruce, do you like mushy peas?

-No.

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Well, you could do with a new hairstyle.

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Here are our accessories.

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Are you ready?

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Your 30 seconds, Rory, start from now.

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Noise from Bruce.

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Holding it well.

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Oh, no, chuckling has started.

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That's Rory and Bruce.

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And they're losing it.

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They're gaining control again.

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That's time up. You set off the Gobstop 2000 a couple of times.

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That wasn't the first time. After this poor performance,

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I'm afraid it might be expulsion for you.

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Bruce, you do look a picture.

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I'd like to thank you all very much

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for coming to see me in my kitchen today.

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I wish you the very best of luck. Off you go now.

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-Good hairstyle.

-Yeah, a brilliant hairstyle.

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I don't like Bruce any more. Or Rory.

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Or Danika and Luke.

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Noisy!

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That's the end of your lesson with Nora and Britney in the canteen.

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-How do you think it's going?

-Bad.

-It's part of the silent training,

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so the idea is to try and test you to see how silent you can be.

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You've one more lesson for a few more tests -

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a science lesson with Miss Bunsen.

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-Will you be more silent?

-Yes.

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-Will you go away with the golden gobstopper?

-Yes.

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-Will you graduate from the School of Silence?

-Yes.

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Good luck, get cleaned up, and we'll see you in there.

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Good luck, guys. About time you got messy.

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Attention, attention, this is the School of Silence.

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Pupils are reminded that due to the banning of noisy tools in woodwork,

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this term's project will be about paper folding...quietly.

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The team from Kent now have their last class of the day

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with the very potty Miss Bunsen.

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How to bend the time-space continuum.

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Any individual can, by closing your eyes and straining like thus.

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-But not too hard.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

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Welcome, Rory, come in.

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Danika, nice to meet you, Luke, hello.

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Bruce. Come in, come in, nice to meet you all.

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My name is Miss Bunsen.

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I am the science teacher and I'm here to teach you science.

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This is your last class before your final exam.

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Hopefully, Miss Bunsen can turn this lot around.

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Instant Snowman.

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Who's giggling?

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Ssh! For Instant Snowman, I have created

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all-season snow.

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I just need to test that we are able to make a snowman

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from my all-season snow and that's where you come in handy.

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Who shall be picking?

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Luke, why don't you pick?

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Who is it going to be?

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Oh, dear, Luke, you've picked you.

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Put it back in.

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Wonderful.

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Now, then, you have 30 seconds to complete this task

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in complete silence.

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Your time starts...

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now.

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There's definitely some laughter, but it's at a minimum.

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It's getting louder.

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Giggling from Danika.

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Definitely quieter, but still a lot of chuckling.

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Time! Timer! Time is up!

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Time is up.

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Right, let's have a look.

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Before you melt completely, let's put on the finishing touches.

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No Snowman is complete without a carrot nose and, of course, a hat.

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Wonderful.

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You managed to keep quite quiet.

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Well done.

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Can they crack it with this last challenge?

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Turbo Takeoff.

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This is one of my very, very,

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very, very, very special inventions.

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It involves one of you putting on a pack

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made up of fizzy pop.

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Then the other person who will be assisting will drop in

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the turbocharged pellets which will send the other person zooming

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into the stratosphere.

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Let's have you, Rory.

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Oh, Danika, it's you!

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Let's just undo the bottle tops.

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As you know,

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all experiments are to be done in complete and utter silence.

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Your 30 seconds of silence starts...

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now!

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Can they stay silent?

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Stand back.

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No, a big cry of laughter from Rory, I think.

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Let's see that again.

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Yeah, Danika is soaked.

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She manages to keep pretty quiet,

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but the cries from her team-mates make it a total wipe-out.

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Danika, you are still here, aren't you?

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Rory, what did you do wrong?

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Laugh?

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Laugh, that's exactly right. You laughed.

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I cannot have noise in my laboratory.

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Colonel Kittens will not put up with this noise.

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Now, boys and girls, I suggest you get off to Colonel Kittens' lesson

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because he won't put up with lateness. Off you go.

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CHATTERING

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Have they finished?

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As a team, how do you think you've done?

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That is now your silence training over.

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Now it's the final exam with Colonel Kittens.

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How do you feel? Do you think you've achieved that silent status?

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I think we might have achieved it.

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-The girl has, but the boys...

-We've underachieved.

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Danika, whip them into shape. Your final exam with Colonel Kittens.

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Don't keep the man waiting. He is very strict. Best of luck.

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I think they'll do it.

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Attention, attention.

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Silence in the classroom, silence in the street.

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The biggest twerp in the world is the next one to speak. Thank you.

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Oh, God.

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They've had their three classes. Now it's their final exam.

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Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test.

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To graduate and win the golden gobstopper they must keep that shut.

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If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times, they will be expelled!

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It's now or never.

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Has their training paid off?

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It's time to find out as the team face their final exam

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with Colonel Kittens.

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Right...

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you miserable little monsters.

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I am Colonel Kittens.

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It is my job to make you crack.

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From what I've heard it's not going to be difficult,

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seeing as you've been cracking up all afternoon.

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And making an awful racket.

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These are the items at my disposal.

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You may not receive all of them, but you will receive most of them

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and particularly the gooey ones. Does that sound nice?

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-ALL: No, sir.

-Thank you very much.

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If you make three noises that set off the Gobstop 2000,

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you will be expelled.

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If you manage to make less than that, and keep quiet,

0:21:060:21:10

then you will graduate.

0:21:100:21:12

Whoopee for you.

0:21:120:21:14

Are you ready to suffer in silence?

0:21:140:21:18

ALL: Yes, sir.

0:21:180:21:20

Your time...

0:21:200:21:21

starts...

0:21:210:21:23

..now!

0:21:240:21:26

OK, what's up first? The feather duster, a classic.

0:21:260:21:29

He's gone straight for the feet.

0:21:310:21:33

Those are the bits that are opposite the hands, very ticklish,

0:21:340:21:39

but not a peep from anybody.

0:21:390:21:40

A good start.

0:21:400:21:44

Oh, dear!

0:21:460:21:47

Yes, the blue splat, straight to the face.

0:21:480:21:52

It is not easy, this.

0:21:520:21:55

Still performing well.

0:21:560:21:59

A little whine from Danika there, I think.

0:21:590:22:03

And he's gone for the green gunk hat for Rory.

0:22:050:22:08

Good control.

0:22:080:22:10

What about now? The silly hat and sprinkles.

0:22:100:22:14

Not something you see every day.

0:22:140:22:16

They've handled it well. Oh, no, it's the fart machine.

0:22:180:22:21

FARTING

0:22:210:22:23

It very rarely fails.

0:22:250:22:27

FARTING

0:22:270:22:29

Yes, definitely some hearty, farty laughter.

0:22:310:22:37

Oh, it's the shaving foam.

0:22:400:22:42

Straight for Luke.

0:22:420:22:44

And Danika gets the comedy straw hairdo.

0:22:440:22:47

That is the Peach Slop.

0:22:510:22:53

What a mess!

0:22:530:22:54

Time is up! Well, how do you think you did?

0:22:560:23:01

-Good.

-Good?

0:23:010:23:03

I wouldn't necessarily call that good.

0:23:030:23:07

You look like a flaming ice-cream!

0:23:070:23:09

Look, you've even got shaving foam on your head after the exam.

0:23:110:23:15

Ridiculous. Where is Bruce?

0:23:150:23:17

I can't even see you, boy.

0:23:170:23:19

You are so covered in junk.

0:23:190:23:23

GIGGLING

0:23:230:23:25

There you go, son, have that on your bonce.

0:23:280:23:31

I've had enough of you lot. Get out!

0:23:310:23:35

Off...my...team!

0:23:350:23:37

You still here, boy?

0:23:370:23:40

There we have it, the remains of what was the final exam.

0:23:430:23:46

-Did you feel prepared when you went into it?

-Yes.

0:23:460:23:49

-How do you feel now you've come out the other side?

-Sticky.

-Apart from sticky.

0:23:490:23:53

Do you think, in that final exam, you made three noises

0:23:530:23:57

loud enough to set off the Gobstop?

0:23:570:23:59

-Maybe.

-Luke, expelled or graduated?

-Graduated.

0:23:590:24:04

-Danika?

-Graduated.

-Bruce.

0:24:040:24:06

-I don't know.

-Rory?

-Expelled.

0:24:060:24:10

OK, you are about to find out.

0:24:100:24:13

Miss Gobstopper is waiting for you right now. Best of luck. Off you go.

0:24:130:24:16

It's time to get the results of their final exam.

0:24:200:24:24

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:24:240:24:26

Come in.

0:24:260:24:28

Quickly.

0:24:300:24:31

You were sent here today because you are all far too noisy.

0:24:350:24:39

I have put you through vigorous silent training.

0:24:390:24:42

Shall we take a look at your report?

0:24:440:24:47

Bruce, you obviously needed a lot of training today.

0:24:490:24:53

You got picked on many tasks.

0:24:530:24:55

Full of noise and cheek at the beginning of the day.

0:24:550:24:59

Then you got better.

0:25:040:25:06

Well done.

0:25:060:25:07

Danika, the only girl. A few cheeky giggles.

0:25:070:25:12

Rory, you are a cheeky, chatty chappie.

0:25:150:25:20

Not something I encourage in this school.

0:25:210:25:24

Luke, our little snowman.

0:25:290:25:31

Was it nice to be a snowman?

0:25:310:25:34

Quite the giggler, often at the misfortune of your team-mates.

0:25:350:25:40

But did you control your laughter in the final?

0:25:450:25:49

How do you think you did?

0:25:490:25:51

-Quite good.

-Quite good, Danika.

0:25:510:25:55

-Quite good.

-You are very quiet now, aren't you?

0:25:550:25:58

For four very loud pupils throughout the day.

0:25:590:26:03

Will you win the golden gobstopper?

0:26:060:26:08

Was that a yes, Danika?

0:26:100:26:11

Shall I tell you?

0:26:110:26:13

You will be expelled.

0:26:150:26:16

You set off my Gobstop 2000 three times.

0:26:160:26:22

That's a shame. Three times. Let's see who set it off.

0:26:220:26:27

Danika, that's one.

0:26:280:26:30

Bruce, two.

0:26:310:26:33

And Danika again. That makes three.

0:26:330:26:35

During the final exam my ears were ringing.

0:26:360:26:41

Unfortunately, I won't be giving you the wonderful golden gobstopper.

0:26:430:26:48

You...receive this.

0:26:500:26:52

Take it.

0:26:520:26:55

Take it.

0:26:550:26:58

Take it.

0:26:580:26:59

Take it.

0:27:000:27:02

Colonel Kittens to the head's office, please.

0:27:040:27:08

Colonel Kittens.

0:27:080:27:09

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

0:27:090:27:12

Colonel Kittens reporting for duty, Headmistress.

0:27:120:27:15

Colonel, please remove these students from the premises.

0:27:150:27:20

Certainly, Miss Gobstop.

0:27:200:27:22

I will make sure they are expelled and they know it!

0:27:220:27:27

Yes. Sorry.

0:27:270:27:30

Get out of her office.

0:27:300:27:33

Quick march, move.

0:27:330:27:36

Colonel, you forgot one.

0:27:370:27:40

-Get out of here.

-Can I not...?

-Get out!

0:27:410:27:45

Sorry, sir.

0:27:450:27:46

GIGGLING

0:27:460:27:48

Now get out of here!

0:27:480:27:51

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