Episode 5 School of Silence

BELL RINGS

-Oh!

-Shh!

Shh!

Ahh!

Uhh!

CHILDREN SCREAM AND CHEER

Shh!

BELL RINGS

Welcome to the School of Silence.

This is where the noisiest children in the country are sent

for some intensive silent training.

Today, four new pupils have got to prove they've got what it takes

to stay completely silent.

What? They're here? Brilliant.

Yeah, but for how long?

This week's noise makers are from Sunderland.

They've been driving their families to distraction

with their non-stop racket.

They're now being assessed by the headmistress and their form tutor.

Come to the front.

Come to the front. Right, you, name.

DENNIS!

Dennis is a big fan of roller-coasters.

He loves to scream his head off all the way round the loop the loop.

You, name.

MATTHEW!

Matthew says he gets told off at least six times a day.

Let's see if the teachers here can get through to him.

-Name?

-BRANDON!

Now, Brandon is not just noisy.

He's got a bit of a rep for being cheeky too.

I'm sure the headmistress will keep an eye on him.

You, at the end?

LIAM!

Liam is the chatterbox

and usually spends his lessons yapping to his mates.

I don't think the teachers here will put up with that.

Right, let's get them out of here. Get them out!

Well, the staff have got their work cut out with these four tearaways.

Can't wait to see how they do.

BOYS SCREAM AND SHOUT

Shh! Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes

to learn how to be silent,

followed by the crucial final exam

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If they are too noisy...

-Ah!

-Ha-ha!

..I will know about it,

thanks to this device, the Gobstop 2000.

The latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass, they will graduate

and receive the ultimate reward, the Golden Gobstopper.

If they fail to keep that shut,

then I will have no choice but to expel them.

Now, before we begin, I must ensure the school has been hushed down.

KLAXON BLARES

Seven seconds to hush down.

Seven, six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

Shh!

Mmm!

It's time for the first class in their silent training.

The tutor is Mr Gross.

Shh! Hands up who's breathing.

Well, if you are, and I guess you must have to,

try to do it quietly, please.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Come in!

THEY MAKE NOISE

Oh, good grief!

BELL RINGS

What are you doing? Who's whispering?

MATTHEW GIGGLES

MR GROSS MIMICS MATTHEW

I am Mr Gross, your teacher for general studies.

This is the first part of your silent training.

You'll come to grief.

We will be conducting a series of tests

that must be completed in absolute silence.

Remember, Miss Gobstop is listening constantly

on her Gobstop 2000, through these microphones.

To determine which child does each test,

we will be picking gobstoppers from a jar

which are the same colours as all of your ties.

Matthew, attention, please.

Sit up straight.

You have a final exam at the end of the day

and if you do not listen to your training,

then you will fail and be expelled.

The first part of the silent training starts here.

-Dog. Sick.

-Ugh!

During this test, you will fill up two Wellington boots

with some lovely, disgusting, stinking dog sick.

And then your chosen team-mate will have to wear them for 30 seconds,

in absolute silence.

What does that thing do again?

That lights up if you make too much noise, Matthew.

Right, let's find out who's doing it.

Liam, pick

a gobstopper.

-A red one.

-I am so sorry, Dennis, bye-bye.

Oh, poor Dennis.

Ah, those poor lads. They think it's real dog sick.

Oh, you can see the sick all moving.

You see? Right, Liam.

It's very heavy.

Ugh!

And the next one.

There's a good boy.

Is it cold, Dennis?

Oh, my God!

-I should have warmed it up for you.

-Ugh!

I didn't want to get it mixed up with my soup. Right!

You have 30 seconds, in absolute silence, your time starts now.

Oh, no, bad start.

Oh, that is sick.

Matthew deliberately setting off the Gobstop 2000.

-It was him.

-Bub!

He doesn't seem to have grasped the idea yet.

The others are keeping pretty quiet, though.

MATTHEW IMPERSONATES CHICKEN

Miss Gobstop is not gonna like his performance one bit.

-Time up! Sit down!

-Oh!

Oh, good grief! Far too much noise.

Did you notice you set off the Gobstop 2000?

-Twice. That's it, wow.

-Twice.

Twice! Twice.

That's two times too many, Liam.

Let's hope they do better with the next part of their training.

Sludgy back. Brandon, I think you can pick with your slimy hands.

Hopefully, it's Dennis again.

Or Matthew. Silence, you'll come to grief!

-Bye-bye!

-Oh!

It dropped. Doesn't count.

Matthew, I'm afraid it does count, even if he dropped it.

It is you. Right, Matthew,

you will have 30 seconds to remain silent

whilst you have disgusting sludge poured down your back.

It's sludge that we gathered up

from all the dirty areas around the school.

Brandon, you'll be the sludge pourer.

Now, you have 30 seconds, and this goes for all of you.

Please, no, please.

Your time starts now.

Shut up!

-Oh, talking.

-Arch!

Oh, you're so dead.

Ah, you are so dead!

Laughing and talking.

-Here's the lumpy bits.

-I don't care about the lumpy bits.

-Oh, my!

-The Gobstop 2000 is off the scale.

You might.

Oh, there's wood in it!

Oh, I've got some on me!

Oh, dear.

-BELL RINGS

-Time's up.

Now, brilliantly done, Brandon.

Are you aware that throughout the whole thing you were giggling?

You were commentating. You were running a commentary.

Exactly. It's what your meant to do

once you get mud poured down your back.

Not in the School of Silence, Matthew.

My fellow teachers, I feel dreadfully sorry for them.

They're going to have an awful time trying to train you to be silent.

-Do you think you can manage it?

-No.

No. That's a fair assessment, Liam. Well done. At least you're honest.

-BELL RINGS

-Right, that's it, I've had enough of you.

Please, get out of my classroom.

Look at my Gobstop 2000.

Flashing lights.

Noisy, noisy boys.

It looks like you've been in an incident.

Mr Gross really had his work cut out for him.

They've a lot to learn and not a lot of time to learn it in.

Pah!

OK, fellas, that was your first lesson. How did it go, Brandon?

-It was all right.

-Yeah, I think as far as worse for wear goes,

Matthew, I think you got the wrong end of the stick on this one.

-How you feeling?

-Um...very badly soaked.

Could you stand up for us? Can you show us your back?

Look at that! This is part of your silent training.

You've to go to the canteen and have a science lesson before the exam.

Think they'll be easier than Mr Gross's class?

If it's worse than this, I'm just gonna run away.

No running away. The next one's gonna be a bit messy

in the canteen with Nora and Britney. Are you gonna be silent?

-Yes.

-No!

-It's all part of the training, Matthew,

we'll see how it goes.

Good luck, boys. You're off to the canteen.

Attention! Attention! This is the School of Silence.

Would the people with the creaky chair please stand up...

for the rest of the day?

Next up, it's Nora Nugget in the canteen for class two.

Coo-ee! It's lunch time. Oh, Britney, how exciting.

Four young gentleman today.

That is a change, isn't it?

My name is Nora Nugget and my lovely assistant, Britney.

And you've been sent to us this afternoon

as part of your silent training, isn't that right?

Yes? Right.

We have got a Gobstop 2000 in here.

If you see that flashing red at any point, boys,

that means you are making far too much noise.

Miss Gobstop will be listening. She is monitoring every sound you make.

So what's first up on the menu?

Horse berry sandwich.

Now, you might be wondering how we arrive at horse berry sandwich,

are you? Has that crossed your mind?

-Yes.

-Well, the horse comes from the horseradish, you see.

The berry is strawberry, right? Together they become horse berry.

Britney, dear, can we have the gobstoppers there?

Oh! The green.

-Yes!

-What is your name, young man?

-Brandon.

Brandon? Are you hungry?

-No.

-No? Well, you'd better eat all this sandwich up, I tell you.

Here we go, there's the ingredients.

We've got the strawberry jam and the horseradish sauce, all right?

Don't put too much jam on.

That will make it nice and sweet, won't it?

Put loads on! Away!

That's lovely.

-Put loads on!

-Give it a nice kick.

Now, are you happy with that, Dennis?

Just in half or do we want quarters? Right.

-OK, are you hungry?

-No.

-You'd better be.

You've got to eat as much of that sandwich as you possibly can

in 30 seconds without making a single sound.

That goes for all of you. Are you ready?

You have 30 seconds, Brandon, starting from now.

MATTHEW BEEPS

That weren't me. That weren't me. That weren't me.

We know it's you, Matthew.

-Ooh!

-I can't eat this.

-Swallow it.

Lots of talking there.

No, you've gotta eat!

This is not looking good.

You know you want to.

At this rate, the team don't stand a hope of graduating.

-Oh, get your teeth into that, man.

-Absolutely no self-control.

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, that's time.

-He's got to swallow it.

-Oh, well,

that didn't go down too well, did it, Brandon dear?

You very rarely close your mouth, do you?

You're supposed to stay silent.

Oh, dear. Hopefully they'll do better on the next one.

Custard...

-Salon.

-What?

Right. Now, you will have 30 seconds to restyle your team-mate's hair

using custard and a few choice accessories that Britney has lent us

from her private collection.

-Right? So, let's find out who it is going to be.

-You!

Now, who shall we get to pick this time?

Brandon, would you like to pick the coloured gobstopper there?

-No peeking!

-Any bets it's me.

Oh!

Dennis! Oh!

All right, 30 seconds, starting from now.

On your head, son. Sorry.

Noisy.

Matthew is still yapping away.

Giggling.

Put the pan on his head, man.

Put the pan on his head! Put the pan on his head.

Oh, come on, guys.

-BELL RINGS

-That's time up, I'm afraid, Brandon.

Well, you've done quite well with the custard gel there.

How are you feeling?

Is it going down my neck?

You were so noisy all the way through, weren't you? Ah! Oh! Ooh!

Thank you, Brandon, dear.

Matthew and Liam, if you keep talking

you're not going to pass your final examination.

Miss Gobstop will be very, very cross with you.

Well, I wish you very good luck, boys, and I'll see you soon.

Cheerio, dear. Come on, Britney, dear. Britney! Come along!

Amazing! One of them is learning.

The red one, darling Dennis.

Mine's worse than that.

If only the other three would take a leaf out of his book.

-Look at me back!

-Quietly!

Fellas, lesson two. Dennis, how's it going?

You know...

Can you tell us what happened? You've got a new look going on.

Um...yes. They just poured a lot of custard over us.

It was to see how quiet you could stay

whilst having custard poured on your head.

You're not quiet though, there's talking. Is there a reason?

Are you trying to wind the teachers up...

I'm trying to get them a bit wound up so we can get expelled.

You want to get expelled? Does everyone?

-He doesn't, he doesn't and he doesn't.

-You wanna graduate.

Brandon? You want to graduate. Liam, you too?

Matthew, you're outnumbered here. This is a team effort,

so if you make noise in the final exam, you can get the team expelled.

You've got one more lesson, that's with Miss Bunsen.

She's a bit mad but you'll like her. She's cool. Good luck, boys.

'Attention! Attention!

'This is the School of Silence.

'All pupils who applauded at the end of the school play

'stay behind for detention.'

So, for the final part of the day's silent training,

the team from Sunderland head to the science lab to see Miss Bunsen

and silently test some of her never-working inventions.

Oh, here they come. Here they come. Come in.

That's right.

That's... Oh, hello, Matthew.

Come and take a seat? Nice to meet you.

My name is Miss Bunsen and I am your science teacher.

Now, it's very important that you understand

you must do science in silence.

Got it? Good. Right, then.

I wonder what crazy invention she will use to test them first.

Invisibility suit.

One person has to get dressed up in a suit,

the other person has to splatter paint

to match the background, you see?

And then you'll just blend in with the backdrop like a chameleon,

d'you see what I mean?

Oh, we've got the coloured gobstops.

-Liam, are you going to pick?

-Yes.

All right, then, my dear, go on then.

Who is it going to be? Who is it going to be?

Oh!

Unlucky, Matthew. That'll teach you for being so cheeky, eh?

Ha-ha-ha!

You must dip the brush in

and it's probably best to get lots of paint on the brush. That's it.

Scoop it up and splat it on.

All right? You don't have very long to do this, boys.

Oops!

-Your time hasn't started yet!

-Sorry.

That's against us, come on!

Liam! Hold your horses.

Your time starts, in complete silence, now!

You're hitting everything but me.

Is Matthew ever going to get it?

I love this.

Oh, yes!

Liam, noisy.

Is the 30 seconds up yet?

Matthew, shush!

No! Whoa!

Oh, they're never going to get through the final.

Right, time, time, time! Enough, enough.

Well, I think we can safely say

the invisibility suit didn't work, did it, boys?

No, and neither was it silent testing.

Terrible. Let's try another one.

Go and sit down, boys.

Still not quite ready for the exam. What's next?

The human laundromat. Well, I was thinking to myself,

why waste time taking your clothes off to wash them,

why not wash them when you're in them?

Brilliant, isn't it? Brilliant!

Doesn't that sound great?

One of you will be standing, of course, in your clothes.

The other person will be washing the clothes,

getting them nice and spring-clean-y, you know.

Who is it going to be, though? Who is it going to be?

Let's have you, Dennis,

because I've heard that you have had a bit of raw deal, haven't you?

You've had to do a lot of the tests, haven't you?

Oh dear, Dennis.

Why did you do that?

That was a bit silly, wasn't it?

OK, never mind. Let's go.

Now, remember, the aim is to do this in complete silence, boys.

Yes?

And this is your last class before the final exam.

So, your silent time starts now.

Some bubbly soap on there.

Get it on the head, son.

A little giggling.

Is the team actually being quiet?

Even Matthew's sitting quietly. This is unbelievable.

-There's the conditioner.

-(Bend your knees.)

On the head. On the head!

Oh, it was going so well.

Time out, Time out. Oh, dear.

Let's have a look. Hmm.

-Doesn't seem to have worked, does it, Dennis?

-No.

-No. No.

Right, boys, back to your seats.

Back to your seats and back to the drawing board for me, I think.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Well, I don't know that you've done particularly well in my class, boys.

Let's hope you do better in your final exam with Colonel Kittens.

BELL RINGS

Well, off you go then. Bye-bye.

A terribly bad start in science.

At least you've had a bit of a good wash.

Dennis's silent behaviour

is obviously having an effect on the boys.

They all remained remarkably silent in the second experiment.

Very, very good.

That's it, that's all the silent training you're going to get

before the final exam, which is up next.

-Are you nervous about it?

-No.

-You're not nervous at all?

Do you think that the silent training has been working?

I've just been doing this. So I've been very noisy,

but at the end of the day, I'm just going to be silent on this one.

It's a team effort. Matt, if you let the boys down

you're letting everyone down. You've gotta do it for your mates.

-Brandon, you gonna stay clean by the end of it?

-No?

-Liam?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Hiding behind the furniture and everything.

OK, well, I don't think you'll be able to. You'll soon see why.

Colonel Kittens is waiting for you. Good luck in the final exam, boys.

'Attention! Attention!

'This is the School of Silence.

'Pupils are reminded that the list of unacceptably noisy pets

'now includes stick insects.'

They've had their three classes and now it is time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test.

To graduate and win the Golden Gobstopper,

they must keep that shut.

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times,

they will be expelled!

Well, their silent training has all been building up to this,

their final exam with Colonel Kittens.

Right!

My name is Colonel Kittens.

These are my munitions.

And, believe you me, they are all coming your way.

Miss Gobstop will be listening

on those little microphones in front of you,

monitoring every little snigger, every little whimper

and every scream on her Gobstop 2000.

Are you ready to suffer in silence?

-ALL: YES!

-Good! Because here it comes.

Your time starts...

NOW!

OK, we're starting with the strawberry plop.

Sniggering early on. Will that be enough to set off the Gobstop 2000?

Dennis looking good.

STIFLED GIGGLES

Oh, a giggle from Matthew. No surprises there.

Will that be enough to set off the Gobstop 2000?

The colonel gurning in his face.

And now applying a minty pedicure.

You can see the concentration from the boys here,

really trying to hold back those giggles.

Oh, not for long. Freezing cold water.

It's not easy, Liam. He's doing OK.

That might have been too much noise, though.

Dennis, so far, unshakeable. And he holds true to form.

Nice work, son.

A bit more noise there

but will that be enough to set off the Gobstop 2000?

Let's try a bit harder, Colonel, yes. Custard on the head.

And now silly string at close range.

Come on.

Liam, no talking. I can't believe Liam just spoke.

That will have almost definitely set off the Gobstop 2000.

What is he doing? Giggling, girly feathers.

It's a bit of a mess, a bit like the boys' performance.

Oh, dear.

BELL RINGS

Time up!

Not...half bad.

Considering what I've heard, however,

there was one little sniggerer who may well have let you down.

I wonder who it was?

Matthew.

The question is, have you set off the Gobstop 2000

three times?

MATTHEW GIGGLES

Now is the time to snigger, boy.

Now you can.

YEAH!

I think we should find out whether you have graduated

or whether you will be expelled.

I personally could not care less either way,

as long as I never see you again.

Now get out!

-How do you feel?

-Brilliant.

-How do you think you did?

Do you think you're going to get expelled

or did you graduate in the final exam?

-You graduated?

-Hopefully.

I think Miss is going to definitely, like...

boot us out.

-It's kind of like halfy-halfy.

-Graduate or expelled?

-Graduation.

-Graduated?

-Graduate.

-I'll go with them, graduate.

-Graduate.

-Let's find out, shall we?

Miss Gobstop's waiting for you, boys.

She will consult the Gobstop 2000.

It's very accurate. I hope you've done it.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Enter!

Could have cleaned yourselves up a bit.

So, you were sent here because you're all far too noisy

and I've put all four of you through rigorous silent training today.

Let's look at your reports.

Liam.

The giggler.

Found your team-mates were so very amusing, didn't you?

Especially when making your friend invisible in science.

I love this!

What a disaster.

Matthew.

The chatterbox.

Hmm? Talking all the way through Mr Gross's class,

even when having sludge poured down your back.

Ooh, you're so dead.

Oh, you are so dead.

Oh, there is wood in it!

Aaargh!

-Nice?

-No.

-No.

You want to try it out.

-Matthew.

-Sorry.

Brandon. One of the better ones.

You kept relatively quiet at first but got louder and louder,

setting off my Gobstop 2000.

Dennis.

My nice, quiet, Dennis.

Put the pan on his head!

If only your friends took a leaf out of your book.

Hmm? So let's see, how did you do in your final exam?

To my surprise, you all pulled your socks up.

Even though you weren't wearing any. Hmm?

So, did you fail or will you graduate?

Graduate.

Fail!

You still make a lot of noise, boys.

Noisy boys.

Hmm.

I can now reveal to you...

..you graduated.

ALL: Yes!

Ah, that was very quiet.

Oh, no!

You only set off the Gobstop 2000 twice in the final.

Who was it who set it off twice?

Who is speaking right now?

Let's see the strikes.

MATTHEW SNIGGERS

KLAXON BLARES

Oh, no!

KLAXON BLARES

-Oh, Matthew!

-Well done, though, well done.

So, I'm going to give this to Dennis.

There you are, Dennis.

Now, be on your way and spread the silence.

Get out!

Well done, fellas.

Go on, son.

I'll just...

THEY SHOUT AND SCREAM

Come on, son!

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