Episode 4 School of Silence

BELL RINGS

Shh!

NIB CRACKS

Shh!

THEY CHEER

Welcome to the School of Silence.

This is where the noisiest children in the country are sent

to be taught how to be silent. Four new pupils will step up today

to prove that they've got what it takes to be absolutely silent.

This noisy bunch are from Liverpool

and are having their noise levels assessed by the headmistress

-and form tutor.

-Come to the front. OK, name?

Oliver.

Oliver is always singing really loudly, annoying anyone

who will listen.

-Next. Name?

-Carl.

Carl loves noisily cheering on

his favourite basketball team.

-You, name?

-Leia.

Leia is ticklish, and when she's tickled,

her laughing is loud and controllable.

-Name?

-Connor.

Connor says when he drinks fizzy pop he does loud, squeaky parps. Eew!

Sounds like this lot have come to the right place

for their silent training.

That's enough. Get out.

Here's how the day works.

The new pupils have three challenging classes

to learn how to be silent followed by the crucial final exam,

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled... if they're too noisy.

THEY SCREAM

I'll know about it thanks to this device,

the Gobstop 2000, the latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass, they'll graduate and receive the ultimate reward,

the Golden Gobstopper.

If they fail to keep that shut,

then I'll have no choice, but to expel them.

Before we begin, I must ensure that the school has been hushed down.

Seven seconds to hush down.

Seven, six,

five, four,

three, two, one. Shh!

Time for silent training to start.

It's their first class of the day, with Mr Gross.

Come in.

Sit down, sit down quietly, please.

Good grief. I'm Mr Gross,

your teacher for General Studies.

This is the first lesson of your silent training,

which must be done in absolute silence.

Remember, at all times, Miss Gobstop is listening on her Gobstop 2000,

via these microphones.

To determine which child does each test we'll be picking gobstoppers

from a jar, which are the same colours as all of your ties.

-That clear?

-YES!

I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew.

Ouch. Time for silent training to begin.

Pink Poodle.

You'll have 30 seconds to turn the chosen pupil into a pink poodle

by smearing lovely syrup on their face

and then adding on some lovely pink poodle fur.

This must be done, no matter how humorous you might find it,

in absolute silence.

Leia, perhaps you could pick the gobstopper and find out who it is.

Oliver.

You'll be turned into a pink poodle. How does that sound?

Why can't you do it? You're better.

-Come on.

-You're the one going to silent training and I think I look perfectly well, thank you.

This poodle was freshly shaved this morning.

We took it down to the poodle salon and gave her a good trim.

She's now running around rather bald.

So we're going to pop the items necessary for your makeover here.

Right, Leia, what are you doing waiting there? Come over, quickly.

Good grief.

Absolutely outrageous.

Leia, are you ready?

Right, you'll have 30 seconds to turn Oliver into a pink poodle.

Your time starts now.

Screaming.

A lot of giggles.

Some talking there.

-That's cold.

-And some shouting.

I don't think Oliver has got the hang of this.

OK, now the fur.

Ew! Ew!

And more screaming.

BELL RINGS

-Time up.

-Nice.

Well, Leia,

Oliver, Carl, an unqualified disaster.

Noisy, messy, you don't look like a poodle.

You look like a poodle coughed up a fur ball on your face.

Get some of that fur on.

Aah!

There you go.

Connor, I think you sat there quite silently smirking

throughout the whole thing.

He looks very proud of himself.

Insolent, but silent. I'll take it.

Let's see if they do any better with this one.

Badger Sick Glove.

You're going to love this one.

Let me break it down for you.

A badger has thrown up.

We've collected his vomit and you're going to put it in gloves

and wear them in absolute silence.

Shall we find out who's doing this particular task?

ALL: Yeah.

Connor. Good.

Remember, it might even be you.

Pick a good one.

Oh, Leia.

Oh, good golly, Miss Dolly.

A bit of revenge, I think.

Good grief, this really stinks.

I can smell it over my socks.

It smells like chips.

Pour it in.

Right, get that gooey sick in there.

Now, that's not really badger sick.

But should we tell them? Nah.

I might add some myself.

There's corn in it.

Yes, it is. We fed him on sweet corn.

-Don't show me it.

-Yes, quite disgusting.

-In you go. All the way.

-Ugh!

Mind that splodge on the floor.

Come around, Connor. You have 30 seconds from when this glove goes on.

Your time starts now.

A bit of noise there.

-Never mind, Oliver, I like this.

-Some talking. And laughing.

Do that, Leia.

Leia is no better than Oliver at keeping quiet.

There's just too much noise here.

-Time's nearly up.

-Hope my mum doesn't mind.

BELL RINGS

-Time up.

-Oh, thank goodness.

Right, well. That didn't go very well, did it?

A complete shambles.

You've got a final exam at the end of the day.

You must stay silent.

If you want to win the Golden Gobstopper

then you need to learn to behave yourselves and keep it zipped.

-Is that clear?

-Yeah.

Good, or you'll be for the high jump.

Oh, dear. What's next?

Foot...paint.

Foot Paint. You'll have 30 seconds to take the chosen child's shoes

and socks off and paint their feet an array of lovely colours.

But this must be done in absolute...

Silence.

Let's find out who's doing it.

Let's see if you can't pick yourself, you silly boy.

Oh, it's you. What a shame. Carl, you've picked yourself.

That means you'll be having your feet painted.

Here are the paints. Here is your brush.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

Good. 30 seconds. In silence.

Your time starts...now.

HE GIGGLES

-Some giggles there.

-You're really good at that.

And talking, too!

Keep it in, keep it in.

Some more giggles.

Just a few seconds left.

BELL RINGS

OK, time up.

Well, the paintwork was fabulous.

But the silence was hideous.

Well, that's the end of my class and, thank goodness,

that's the end of you for me today.

This is your silent training.

Quite frankly, you've been useless.

Miss Gobstop will be spitting mad in her office,

listening to you on her Gobstop 2000.

If you want any chance of winning the Golden Gobstop,

you'd all better learn to be quiet.

BELL RINGS

Get out of my classroom.

Quietly.

No running.

General Studies? General giggling? General loudness?

Oliver! Shh!

So, how was your first lesson at the School of Silence?

Pink poodle first. Oliver, how was it?

-I don't want to talk about it.

-OK, that's fine.

It's to see if you can stay silent.

-Were you silent?

-A couple of times.

-You weren't.

You were screaming your head off.

It can't be nice to have syrup on your face.

OK, how was the foot paint?

-I stayed quiet, actually.

-No, you didn't.

Did it tickle a little bit?

Yeah, but I didn't laugh or anything.

I held it in, like.

They're designed to see how good you are at staying silent.

you're about to meet Nora and Britney, the dinner ladies.

Good luck. Off you go.

Don't forget, keep the noise down. It's all in silence.

'Attention, attention. This is the School of Silence.

'We'll be introducing fingerprint recognition systems

'for opening lockers as your keys are rattling around far too much.'

With one class down, it's time for some more silent training.

Cooee! It's lunchtime.

Britney, dear, no eating in the food preparation area. You know that.

Well, my dears, allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Mrs Nora Nugget

and I'm the dinner lady here at the School of Silence.

This is my assistant, Britney, who I can see you have already met.

Isn't she charming? Cute as a cookie.

We're going to be feeding you some delicious dishes

from our menu this afternoon.

Let's see what's first up.

No...Hands...Smoothie.

Now, your chosen team-mate, my dears,

will have 30 seconds to drink a smoothie without using their hands.

Britney, dear, can we have those coloured gobstoppers?

Thank you. Young Oliver,

would you like to choose who might be playing this?

-Oh, it's the blue one.

-Leia.

-How exciting!

Britney, dear, could you bring in the smoothie?

Marvellous. Now, it's full of lovely, fruity goodness, that is, Leia.

You have 30 seconds in which to drink

your No Hands Smoothie, starting from now.

Off she goes.

Good technique.

No noise so far. This is good.

Leia is doing really well.

A little dribbling, but still quiet.

Nearly there.

BELL RINGS

Oh, that's time.

It seems that Mr Gross was wrong about you lot.

I've never seen such perfect technique, Leia.

-That was brilliant.

-Can they keep up the good work?

Curdy...Jam...Face.

Your chosen team mate will have lemon curd and jam on either side

of their face, finished off with two nice slices of bread.

In fact, you're turning your friend into a curd jam sandwich.

I think we need the coloured gobstoppers again, please, Britney.

I'd like young Connor there to choose.

Who will it be? Who will it be, Connor? How exciting.

Have a good rummage. Oh, Leia, dear.

It's you again. How marvellous.

You really are lucky today, aren't you, Leia?

Nothing is going to happen to me.

OK, your 30 seconds

to make a Curdy Jam Face, start from now, young Connor.

A little giggle there.

Lemony curdy in your face.

Some talking from Connor.

And some giggling from Connor.

A bit more lemon.

Connor is the only one talking.

Jam facey bread.

BELL RINGS

Oh, dear.

Well, that's time up.

you were doing very well until the end when you started narrating.

I don't think we needed that, did we?

Oh, that's lovely!

You can take your seat now again, Connor. Thank you.

This is silent training.

That means we're training you to be silent for your final examination

this afternoon with Colonel Kittens.

You wait until you see what he's got in store.

I think you need to go and wash your hands before going

to science class this afternoon.

And you probably want to wash your face, Leia, dear.

BELL RINGS

Off you go, dears. Quickly and quietly.

Get revenge on you.

What could have been the perfect quiet lunchtime has been destroyed

by one little boy.

Connor!

What's going on in today's lessons in the canteen?

I gave Leia something mushy - a lemon curd and jam facial.

You look great, by the way. Your skin looks radiant!

How do you feel?

-Lucky.

-Lucky?

-Yeah.

-How do you think you're doing?

-Good.

You're doing well. Are you going away with the golden gobstopper?

ALL: Yes!

It's your next lesson with Miss Bunsen.

Don't forget - complete silence.

Loving your work, Oliver.

'Attention! Pupils are reminded not to torment the caretaker's dog.

'it has such a loud bark.'

Time for some more silent training

in their last class before the final exam.

Come in!

Come and take a seat.

My name is Miss Bunsen

and I'm your science teacher.

The most important thing about science class is silence.

Science in silence. Got it?

Now, then, this is the last lesson as part of your silence training -

before you have to go to Colonel Kittens and do your final exam.

-Can they keep it down in this one?

-Sticky Hat!

One of you lucky little ewoks will have a hat on,

which is a prototype of mine.

Very exciting. One of you'll have the prototype on, sitting here.

The others will be throwing balls at the hat, which will then stick,

hopefully. Let's hope it works.

Remember, this all has to be done in complete silence.

Which one shall we get to pick? Carl!

Yes, you're sitting very nicely.

Who's it going to be?

Oliver. It's you!

Now, then, are you ready?

Yeah.

-Steady.

-Yeah.

-Go!

A chuckle there!

The plastic balls are sticking

but they're also making Oliver squeal.

More giggling from Carl.

That's almost all the balls and time's nearly up.

BELL RINGS

Time, time. Stop!

Well, my goodness.

What a lot of giggling.

One more and then the final exam.

Camouflage Suit.

Da-da! One person will be wearing a suit.

The other person will be painting them to match the background -

thus being camouflaged!

Let's see who's going to be picking.

Maybe you this time.

Who's it going to be?

-Yes!

-It's Carl. Carl, it's you.

You're a real giggler,

so this will be pushing you to your limits, young man.

Now, we have to do this in complete silence.

Your silence starts now.

Very quiet so far.

OK, spots are going on.

Keep the giggles in, Leia! That's it.

Nearly there.

BELL RINGS

Time's up.

Not bad at all.

Look at that. Can you see him? No.

You can't. Why?

Camouflage! Wonderful.

Now, then, that's your science lesson complete.

Haven't you done well - generally speaking!

Now, then, you'd better get off to your final exam.

Are you ready for it?

ALL: Yes!

Good, off you go, then. Make sure you keep it down in the corridor.

Oliver squealed like a piglet.

Leia quiet as a mouse. With Connor and Carl,

the training seems to be working.

So, that was science.

Connor, you're on your way to the final exam.

How d'you think you're going to do?

-Pretty well and I can't wait to meet Colonel Kittens.

-He's quite strict.

-D'you think you'll stay silent for the entire time?

-Yeah.

How about as a team?

It's a team game, this one.

TOGETHER: Yes!

We like confidence. Colonel Kittens is waiting for you. Good luck.

-I hope the silent training will pay off. See you in a bit.

-Woo!

They've had their three classes and now it's time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test.

To graduate and win the Golden Gobstopper they must keep that shut.

If they set off the Gobstop 2000 three times, they'll be expelled!

Their silent training has all been building up to this, their final exam, with Colonel Kittens.

Right, you lousy little layabouts.

I'm Colonel Kittens. It's my job to make you crack.

This is your final exam.

It's very simple, which is jolly good, as you're clearly quite stupid.

If you manage to keep quiet, you'll pass,

winning the coveted Golden Gobstopper.

Does that sound nice, boy?

-Sir, yes, sir!

-Sir what?

Sir, yes, sir!

I think that registered. Good.

These are the instruments of your downfall, as I like to call them.

I can assure you they'll all be coming your way.

Is that clear?

ALL: Sir, yes, sir!

Are you ready to suffer in silence?

Sir, yes, sir!

Right.

Your time starts now.

OK, what's first?

The feather duster, the favourite of the colonel.

He's gone straight for the feet. A little noise from Connor there.

Hold those giggles.

You're not going to beat Oliver in a staring contest, Colonel.

He's gone straight for Conner.

He's breathing.

He's got it under control.

Oh, no, it's the snow shower.

Oliver's enjoying it, but not making too much noise.

Connor gets it on the head again.

Here comes the roller. A little bit of noise there.

It's the secret weapon, the silly string.

This never fails to get a noise.

Look at this. Connor is copping a face full,

but he's still hanging strong. Well done, Connor.

Look at the determination.

Yes, the bunny never fails. A big giggle there.

Look at Colonel. He knows how to work it.

Oh, no. More gunge. I think he's spotted a weakness here.

The paint brush in the face.

Colonel really not holding back today.

Oh, he's dropped the paint.

That may have been part of his plan.

And the watering can.

Lots of giggles there.

That's probably set off a Gobstop 2000.

BELL RINGS

Time up!

Well...

I threw just about everything I had at you then, didn't I?

-Sir, yes, sir!

-Yes, I did.

You, boy,

you did quite well, I think.

Sir, thank you, sir.

However, did your team mates let you down?

Sir, I think they did well for their strengths, sir.

Well, why don't you go and find out?

Get out of my gym!

-You still here, boy?

-Sir, yes, sir.

You can see, complete gunge devastation in what has to be

one of the most entertaining final exams I have ever seen.

Connor, a man for the military! What about the other three?

How do you think you did, Oliver?

OK, but I didn't do as well as Connor.

-Leia?

-I did rotten.

-How about you, Carl?

I think I'm a bit like Connor.

I sort of laughed under my breath.

You've done your final exam

and you're about to go and see Miss Gobstop.

-How d'you think you've done?

-I think we've graduated.

-Graduated.

Not too sure.

-Graduated.

-It's time to find out. Miss Gobstop's waiting.

Best of luck.

So all that silent training has led to this moment.

How did they do in their final exam?

Quickly!

So...

You were sent here

because you're all far too noisy.

Yup.

I've put you through silent training all day.

Shall we take a look at your reports?

Oliver, so much screaming and squealing.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Aah!

Then quieter and quieter. Well done.

Carl, you're a real giggler, aren't you?

Leia, the only girl.

Tiny bit of chuckling.

Otherwise very good.

Connor, started the day making an awful lot of noise.

Jam facey bread.

Over the day, I think your training worked.

What do you think?

You're the headmistress. I don't know.

Exactly.

So, the final exam. How do you think you did?

Did you fail or will you graduate?

I can tell you.

You'll be expelled!

You set off the Gobstop 2000 three times.

Carl was the only one who didn't.

Carl kept his mouth shut.

That's really disappointing because they came so close.

That's Leia.

That's Connor.

And that's Oliver. Three strikes.

I won't be giving you the Golden Gobstopper.

You receive this.

Take it. Take it.

Take it.

Take it. Noise is a pollutant

and is not allowed in my school.

Door! Open! Walk! Go!

Barney, you too. Barney, out!

Could you send Colonel Kittens down to my office

right now to get Barney out?

We don't like you!

Works every time. Out!

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