Episode 3 School of Silence

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Sh!

Sh!

Aaaagh!

KIDS SHOUT AND SCREAM

Sh!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Welcome to the School of Silence -

Where the noisiest children are sent for intensive silent training.

Shortly we'll be following four new arrivals.

But have they got what it takes to stay completely silent? Follow me.

Sh!

This noisy lot are from Glasgow. They're having their noise levels

assessed by the head mistress and the form tutor.

Right, you, name!

Louise!

As you can see, Louise is very noisy

and particularly enjoys singing loudly and banging on walls.

Aaaay!

You boy, what's your name?

Scott!

Scott says he is so noisy because

his parents are noisy. Should make for an interesting parents' evening.

Right, you, name!

Ross!

Ross enjoys nothing more than being loud and noisy at school. Oh, dear.

-You, at the end.

-Shannon!

Shannon says she likes to make a lot of noise by coughing loudly.

I hope she puts her hand over her mouth.

That's enough. Get out!

-Come on, get out!

-This lot have definitely come to the right place

for their silent training.

Sh!

Here's how the day works. The new pupils have three challenging

classes to learn how to be silent, followed by the crucial final exam,

which will determine whether they graduate or will be expelled.

If they are too noisy...

-Barff!

-Dah-nah!

I will know about it, thanks to this device... The Gobstop 2000.

The latest in noise-monitoring technology.

If they pass, they will graduate and receive the ultimate reward,

the Golden Gobstopper.

If they fail to keep that shut,

then I will have no choice but to expel them.

Now before we begin, I must ensure the school has been hushed down.

FOGHORN BLARES

Seven seconds to hush down.

Seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.

Sh!

It's time for silent training to start in their first class

-of the day with Mr Gross.

-Sh!

It's a shame we can't...

THUMPING

HE SIGHS

Come in.

-Sit down. Don't come anywhere near me.

-La-la-la! La-la!

Bang!

Yes, I get it, you're noisy.

-No!

-Yes.

-Good grief! It's not drumming.

-Yeah, it is.

-No, it isn't!

Look, enough! Shush!

I am Mr Gross and I am your teacher for general studies.

This is the first lesson in your very important silent training,

during which you must remain absolutely silent...

BANGING

..because Miss Gobstop will hear on the microphones,

which she will be monitoring on her Gobstop 2000.

If you make too much noise,

GIGGLING

it will not bode well for your final exam.

This is very important training.

I have here this jar of gobstoppers.

-Eat one.

-You will pick one of these out of the jar to find out

which child will be doing each test.

Each gobstop is the same colour as one of your ties.

-Time for silent training to begin.

-Sh!

Sticky Beak. You have 30 seconds to turn

your chosen team-mate into a bird.

-Quack-quack.

-You will smear syrup on the face, apply feathers and,

of course, finish with a beak.

-Mm-hm.

-But all of this must be done in absolute...

-Silence.

-Oh, you're learning already, Scott.

Let's find out who's going to be doing the test.

Oooh! Da da da!

-Yes, it is dramatic.

-It is.

-Scott, pick a gobstopper.

-Ross.

-Yes!

-Scott, it's you. Excellent.

Here are the items that we need.

Syrup.

Play feathers.

And a sticky beak to go on the end.

Ross, stand up.

When your time starts, make him into a sticky-beaked bird.

Remember, it must be done in absolute silence,

which you will probably find very difficult,

because children are rubbish.

Your time...

starts...

now!

Can they be silent?

SCOTT LAUGHS

Ugh!

No.

Oh, a lot of noise there.

LAUGHTER

Sticky Beak IS a tough one, but they're out of control.

SCREAMING

Screaming now.

They don't even look as though they're trying to be silent.

-Dah-nah!

-Oh, dear.

If they carry on like this, they won't pass the exam.

-ALARM RINGS

-Enough! A quick question.

Did any of you hear me when I said

this must be done in absolute silence?

-No.

-I wasn't listening.

That's clearly why, because you were incredibly noisy.

How does that make you feel?

-Great!

-You lot are hopeless!

-Sh!

-Let's see if they do any better with this one.

Teddy Trump. The chosen child will have 30 seconds to cuddle the teddy.

Very simple and it must be done in absolute silence. Mm.

Louise. Pick a gobstopper, dear.

-Oh, Shannon!

-Oh, dear.

-What a shame.

-What a shame!

Right.

Sh. Spartacus is very, very sleepy.

You must cuddle him quietly. And if you wake up Spartacus,

you'll probably annoy Miss Gobstop at the same time.

Stop licking your hands, you disgusting little twerp.

And I'll give this to you, Shannon.

Your time starts now.

-Sh!

-How will they cope this time?

FARTING

Oh, dear. More laughing.

FARTING

-I'm sorry.

-I was gonna do one...

A lot of talking.

FARTING

Shannon's still giggling.

FARTING

Poohie!

Oh, talking from Louise.

They must be the worst team we've ever had at the School of Silence.

-ALARM RINGS

-Time! Enough!

Enough please.

Give me the poor teddy. He's got an upset tummy. All that trumping.

-It's your face.

-It's not, it's you...

FARTING

See!

-He's got wind.

-You have a trumpet.

That smells quite nice, you know.

Mm. I might use that as aftershave.

They need this training. There's so much room for improvement.

-So what's next?

-Maggot Foot...

-Oh, no!

-..Spa.

Right, let's get Scott to pick a gobstopper. Who's it going to be?

My hand's stuck.

Ah, it seems, once again,

Ross, you're involved.

This is going to be your revenge, Scott. Do enjoy it.

Yeah!

-I certainly will.

-Sh!

Scott, wait here. I shall fetch my favourite creatures in the world...

maggots.

Come on, you beautiful little creatures. Aren't they lovely?

-They're not real.

-They are real!

Now, Scott, in absolute silence.

Your 30 seconds starts...

-Sh!

-...now.

Aaagh!

SCOTT LAUGHS

Ah, a lot of noise there.

-And banging.

-Oh, they stink.

And talking.

Yes. SCREAM

-Shush!

-OK.

"They're all out."

OK, they're settling down.

Phhtt!

-Hang on, this sounds better. Time is running out though.

-Sh!

Ross's feet will need a good wash after this.

ALARM RINGS

Time up.

-Were you enjoying that?

-Yeah.

Time flies when you're quiet.

-Yes, Louise.

-What if he gets one stuck in his toe?

They're good for getting the cheese off your feet, you see.

-They eat it.

-Ugh!

Otherwise my feet would be blocks of cheese if it wasn't for maggots.

That's disgusting!

Right, OK. Get back to your desk.

-Sh!

-How do you think you did in my class today?

-Fantastic!

-No. Hands...

-Terrible!

-Louise?

-Absolutely terrible.

Yes, you're quite correct.

The only thing you've got right today.

I do hope you manage to get the noise down by the end of the day.

-Thank you.

-Though somehow I severely doubt it.

-Aa-choo! Aa-choo!

Now please do me a favour and get out of my classroom.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Bye!

-THEY ALL SHOUT

Louise, Scott, Shannon, too much laughing, shouting,

especially for the first class.

Ross, on the other hand, was reasonably quiet.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS Sh!

OK, that's the first lesson done.

Tell me about Sticky Beak.

Ross put some sticky stuff, that I really enjoyed to eat,

all over my face and then feathers and then a beak, right,

-and it was really cool.

-Do you think you're getting better?

-Yes.

-No!

We're getting better at doing it badly.

By the end of Maggot Foot Spa, which I'm sure you enjoyed, Ross.

-Oh, maybe not.

-I enjoyed it!

-You were quite quiet.

But that could change.

-You're about to meet the dinner ladies, Nora and Britney.

-Oh, yes.

Off you go to the canteen. See you in a bit.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS Sh!

"Attention, attention! This is the School of Silence.

"Any pupils found eating crisps will have them confiscated

-and replaced with marshmallows. They're much quieter.

-Sh!

With one class behind them, it's time for more silent training.

Cooey! It's lunchtime. Hello, my dears.

Welcome to my kitchen. How are you?

-You look lovely.

-I'd like to introduce myself.

I am Nora, Mrs Nugget.

I'm the dinner lady at the School of Silence.

This is my lovely assistant, Britney Biscuit.

Isn't she a picture?

Right, dears, I understand that you have been sent here today

as a continuation of your silent training. We are going to be

feeding you a number of dishes from our special menu this afternoon...

-Ugh!

-And the idea is, you remain completely silent.

-So what's being served?

-Sh!

Now, the first item on our menu today is...

pink peach smoothie.

Cor, anyone fancy some of that?

-No!

-No?

Well, one of you is going to come around here and help

Britney to make a smoothie.

And then your chosen team-mate will have to drink that smoothie.

But what makes the peach pink? It's the salmon paste. All right?

Fishy fruit. Delicious.

-No!

-I can see you're all dying to try it.

-Help us!

-Right, Britney, Shannon

is going to pick the coloured gobstopper for us this time around.

Who's it going to be? Ross! Wonderful!

-I'm so excited.

-Ugh!

-I do hope you're thirsty, dear.

Sh!

You put in the peach.

Now in goes the salmon paste.

-Oh, come on!

-Oh, gross.

The fish is quite strong.

Mix it up!

I think that'll do, Britney. Thank you.

-Poor Ross does not seem happy about having to drink it.

-Ooh!

Look at that.

Lovely. Shannon, would you like to present that to Ross?

I am so, so sorry.

-Smoothie first please, dear.

-Oh!

I think it smells rather delicious.

I think it smells like sick.

You have 30 seconds to drink as much as you can in absolute silence.

Starting from...

-now!

-Sh!

Right, a fish paste smoothie.

-Ugh! That is gross.

-Oh, talking there.

Come on, Ross.

-Don't take it in little bits. You take it all!

-More talking.

Gulp it down!

Interesting technique from Ross, but it seems to be working.

Oops, some giggling.

I'm actually enjoying it.

They need to keep down the noise

and Ross needs to keep down the smoothie.

ALARM RINGS

That's time up. Well, I'm not sure about your technique there,

but I think you did rather well.

Would you like to take your seat?

Not bad. What's next?

Splatapult Choco...

-Somebody pick me!

-..mash.

-Oh, yum!

-Do you like the sound of that?

-No.

-Yes!

-Right, you all have 30 seconds

to catapult as much chocomash

into your chosen team-mate's face as is possible in the given time.

-Yeaah!

-All right. Britney dear, let Ross pick a coloured gobstopper.

-Yes!

-Ah, and it's the green one.

-I can see you're very excited about that.

-Sh!

Right then, Ross, I'd like to see you get as many of these

in young Scott's face as you can manage.

You have 30 seconds, but please remember, boys, absolute silence,

-all right? Are you ready?

-Yep.

You have 30 seconds, dear,

-starting from now.

-Sh!

-Scotty boy!

-Oh, some talking.

-Stop trying to catch them, Scott.

-Ah, more talking!

They can't seem to resist chatting in these challenges.

Some giggling there.

More giggling.

Oh...

Ah, this is better. This is much better.

-ALARM RINGS

-That's time.

Oh, don't you throw them back.

-Thank you...

-Ross is still going.

And a face full of chocomash for Scott.

Sh!

So that's the end of the tests in this part of your silent training.

I think you've done rather well, don't you?

I have every hope that you may well be graduating this afternoon.

So I wish you the very best of luck. Now off you go.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

While the others seem to have quietened down,

Ross has now become the master giggler. Not good progress at all!

-Sh!

-Well, you've had your second lesson.

-You had, what was it, pink peach smoothie? How was that?

-Nah!

-Yummy.

-It was all right.

-With salmon.

-That was my beautiful creation.

-Right then, come on, science class. Miss Bunsen.

-Let's go, ladies!

THEY ALL SHOUT AND SCREAM

Good luck, Miss Bunsen.

-Sh!

-"Attention, attention. This is the School of Silence.

"Would all those who signed up for tap dance

"please unsign up immediately. Honestly, what were you thinking?"

-Sh!

-Time for more silent training.

-It's their last class before their final exam.

-Sh!

Come in and sit down.

Now then, my name is Miss Bunsen and I am your science teacher.

-Ho-ho! Now this is your last class before your final exam.

-Sh!

-Can they keep quiet in this one?

-Invincible Glove.

We will be testing my invincible gloves. Da-dah!

Of course, it will be impossible for you to pop them, because, of course,

they are invincible. Ha ha ha!

Now then, Scott, why don't you pick a coloured gobstop?

No peeking. Who's it going to be?

-Me.

-Oh!

-You've picked yourself, Scott.

-Sh!

This is the testing stick. Ha-ha!

-You hold that.

-Yeah.

Now, you have a very short amount of time to

test all of my invincible gloves.

-Do you think you can do it?

-Yeah.

-In complete silence?

-Yep.

-Yes? Are you ready?

-Yeah.

Your silent time starts now!

So how will they do?

-Ooh!

-Well, a loud bang there, but Scott is staying quiet.

And again. Well, the invention isn't working very well,

-but they are all staying silent.

-Ooh!

Wow, they're finally getting the hang of it.

Oh, dear!

Er, well, well done for doing it in silence, but

my invincible gloves didn't seem to work.

Er, back to the drawing board I think.

Let's try one that's a bit harder.

-Sh!

-Well, let's hope this invention works.

Fizzy Jet Pack.

Right. One of you will be wearing a pack

full of fizzy pop and we're going to put some

pellets in which are power pellets.

They will help you take off into the atmosphere.

Pick a coloured gobstop. There we go.

Who is it gonna be? Make sure it's a good one, Louise.

Oh! Unlucky, Ross.

When you drop in the power pellets,

you must step back.

OK, as he flies through the air, you never know what will happen. Right.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Are you set?

-Yeah.

-Go!

-Will there be silence?

-Aaah!

-Oh, that's a mad scream.

LAUGHTER AND BANGING

Screaming, banging. This is not good before the final exam.

That was supposed to be done in silence!

You were really, really noisy through that.

Especially you guys. Terrible. And you, Ross.

Well done during the experiment. You were very focused,

ready to take off.

Still didn't fly. What a shame.

Right then, boys and girls,

off you go to your final exam.

And, er, good luck.

That was so funny!

Sh!

In the last lesson of the day with Miss Bunsen,

Ross, the little noisemonger, kept it quiet. Remarkable.

But if only his other two team-mates Shannon and Scott

had kept it schtum, it would have been a successful class.

-Sh!

-OK, so you've had your third lesson.

You've had all the silent training to prepare you for the final exam.

How do you feel, Louise?

-Scared.

-Do you want to go away with the Golden Gobstopper?

-Yes!

-All right. You're off to your final exam with Colonel Kittens.

Good luck, live long and prosper. See you later. Bye. Good luck.

Thanks, Scott. See you in a bit.

They're just not going to do it. That's it, close the door. Thanks.

-Sh!

-"Attention, attention!

"This is the School of Silence.

"I'm happy to announce a great victory.

"We won the under-13 Chinese Whispers Tournament."

Sh!

They've had their three classes and now it's time for their final exam.

Colonel Kittens will really put them to the test. To graduate and win

the Golden Gobstopper, they must keep that shut. If they set off

the Gobstop 2000 three times, they will be expelled!

Well, their silent training's all been building up to this -

their final exam...

with Colonel Kittens.

-Right! You ghastly little goblins!

-Yes!

-I am Colonel Kittens.

-Yes, sir!

Are you?

And it's my job to make you crack.

-Yes, sir!

-Like an egg!

-You like making a lot of noise, don't you?

Yeesss!

This is your final exam.

It's very simple to understand, which is lucky

cos you look quite stupid.

THEY LAUGH

-If you make three noises...

-Three.

-..that set off the Gobstop 2000, you will fail and be expelled.

-Yeah!

If you manage to make less than that, then you will graduate...

-Wooo!

-And win the Golden Gobstopper.

Golden Gobstopper! Game over.

These are my munitions and they shall be all coming your way.

And goodness knows, you deserve it.

Right, I've had enough of this.

-Oh, shut up!

-Let's shut 'em up!

-Are you ready to suffer in silence?

-Yes! No!

-Yes, kinda.

-Let's find out, shall we?

Your time

starts

now!

OK, what's first?

-Ooh!

-The tickle stick and a noise from Scott there.

Not a good start.

A bit of foot tickling.

Hold it.

Well, they're staying silent.

Oh, cheeky, Shannon.

Ah, the gunk ladle.

Some definite quiet giggling there.

Will that be a strike?

-LOUISE GIGGLES

-And a loud noise from Louise.

OK, what's next?

Ah, it's the splodge rocket. Straight to the face.

Yeah, more giggling there. Remember, three strikes and they're out.

One of the Colonel's trademark silly walks there

not doing the job, so he gets the silly string out.

OK, here comes the paint brush.

Scott gets it straight on the head.

Some more quiet giggles there. Will that be too much?

Definite noise being made here.

Oh, no, the gunge chicken. Surely this will set them off.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, thought so. Some definite laughing there.

OK, here comes the snow storm.

Who's gonna get it?

-That would be Ross.

-Ow!

A definite groan there.

Colonel listening hard.

They seem to be staying strong.

Come on, guys, just ten seconds left.

Here come the fun feathers.

Just hold it! Hold it a bit longer.

-ALARM CLOCK RINGS

-Time up!

Look at the state of you! You look absurd.

You boy, you look like a parrot!

You nasty little creatures.

-Thank you.

-Prrrt!

-Now, get out of my gym!

Get rid of them boys and girls.

-Sh!

-So you've come to this point, the final exam.

You look like you've gone through it fairly unscathed.

Scott, you look good. Are you happy with how it went?

-Yeah.

-That was fun.

-Oh, it was amazing.

-Yeah, you enjoyed it.

-I have slime in my hair.

-It looks good.

-I've got slime all over.

-The whole point of that

-was to see if you could be silent for long enough...

-Did I?

To graduate. I don't know. What do you think?

-Expelled.

-Have you graduated or are you expelled?

-You're about to find out.

-Slow.

-Sh!

So how did they do? It's time for the results of the final exam.

BANGING

Come in.

Quickly.

You were sent here because you were far too noisy.

And they've put you through rigorous silent training all day. Mm?

-Yeah.

-Let's look at the reports, shall we, Scott? Hands off the desk.

Thank you. Louise...

-Quite the chatterbox, mm?

-Sh!

Don't take it in little bits. You take it all in the one.

-FARTING Poohie!

-Sh!

In fact, noise in most of the tests. You and Shannon,

chatter, chatter, chatter.

-Scott, outrageous. What kind of bird were you in Mr Gross's class?

-Sh!

LAUGHTER AND SCREAMING

-Dah-da!

-Sh!

-I was a parrot, so if people could talk, I could talk, too.

Really? Ridiculous, boy.

Ross, you got off to a flying start.

I had high hopes. Silent through most of the tests,

-but you didn't quite take off in Miss Bunsen's class, did you?

-Sh!

LOUD GASPS

-No.

-Shannon, never before have I met such a noisy little girl.

-Quite sad really.

-Sh!

-Woooo!

Even hugging the teddy seemed to create chaos, didn't it?

That was not me.

Oh, wasn't it? Your twin sister?

So, you're noisy. You're noisy.

You're noisy. You, not so much.

So let's see, how did you do in your final exam?

Did you fail or will you graduate?

-Hmm?

-Don't know!

I can now reveal...

Scott, hands off the desk!

You will graduate.

-Yeah!

-You only set off the Gobstop 2000 once.

-Sh!

So let's see that strike.

-Oooh!

-It's Scott.

-Heh-heh!

-Your training has been terrible,

but you turned it around in the final exam.

So I now reward you

with the Golden Gobstopper.

Ross.

-Thank you.

-Go on your way. Spread the silence.

-Now get out! Out!

-Bye!

Bye, Barney!

SCREAMS

-You, too, Barney. Keep them quiet.

-Will do.

Brings me out in hives.

Sorry.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

THEY ALL SCREAM

Stop!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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